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The End of the World: Chapter One



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Wed Apr 01, 2009 4:11 am
Eliza:) says...



This is an entry for Clo's Unfortunate Incident Contest. The prompt I used was number 11: outcome. This is also the first chapter of a story I am writing.

Melissa sat in the midst of a huge crowd of people thinking of only one thing: their family member in the front being honored for completing high school.

Everyone seemed so excited, but Melissa wasn’t in the slightest. What was so amazing about watching a bunch of kids walk in a straight line and talk for a while?

Sighing, she sat in her seat and waited for the terribly long day to be over with at last.

***

“Hello? Anya?”

“Who else would it be?” a voice groaned. “It’s three o’clock in the morning. What do you want?”

A startled voice replied. “But it’s still light outside. I thought…”

“This is why people don’t go around letting others from the past move to the present,” Anya quietly
thought to herself.

“What-“

“Never mind, Isi. What do you need?”

“How do you say ttlienc in English?”

“You woke me up in the middle of the night so I could teach you a mini vocabulary lesson?” Anya screamed.

“Mr. P. is in the other room and I forgot the word.”

“Mr. P. is with you? I thought you said he was in France.”

“He was, but he came back and wants to talk with me.”

“Just say hello to him. Ttlienc is hi, remember?”

“Hi. Okay, I’ll remember this time.”

“Good. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

***

“Melissa, be supportive of your brother and at least stay awake until the end. You can sleep later,” Melissa’s mother said.

After one hour of dull speeches from seniors, Melissa was ready to leave forever. She couldn’t believe how slowly the minutes passed.

“The senior class of ’04…”

As Melissa’s eyes slowly closed, a cloud shadowed the area.

“When we go off and…”

It began to rain, startling everyone as they rushed inside before they become extremely wet and waited for the gym to be prepared for the graduation.

Melissa once again fell asleep.

***

“Hello, Mr. P. How are you?”

“Fine, but I’m not going to be in a few hours.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Have you ever heard of a super volcano?”

“Um, no, not exactly.”

“A super volcano is basically a volcano with extra-ordinary size or a volcano with more than one vent. If one erupted, the whole world would be changed and turned into a winter wonderland.”

“Why are you telling me this, Mr. P.”

“One is expected in about four hours.”

***

Melissa awoke as the ground beneath her began to shake. The entire ceiling fell as the people beneath it tried to run outside.

“Melissa, come on!” her brother screamed as a light landed no more than two feet away from her and quickly made her realize the danger.

Jumping up, she rushed toward the only entrance. She never made it.

***

Two miles away from Johnston High School, a dormant volcano erupted, causing three smaller ones nearby to also explode.

No one three hundred miles from the volcanoes survived the natural disaster. It was the worst tragedy in history.

***

“Four hours?”

“Yes, Isi. Do you know a Anya Mana, or is your Anya someone different?”

“I know an Anya Mana, but-“

“Magnificent news. You must call her and tell her if she doesn’t want the world to end, she better get over her fast.”

“Why do you need Anya?”

“If she can time travel, she will be the only one who could possibly save us.”

“But how?”

“Isi, no one knew about the volcano until two months ago. Experts believe if some traveled to two million years ago, and with modern technology, physically drained the volcanoes before it became too dangerous and large to do it, the danger of it erupting today would be decreased greatly.”

“But-“

“We don’t have time to explain everything. Just call her.”

“Okay, Mr. P.”

“Oh, and also explain to her if she does this, she’ll save billion of lives, but she won’t live through this.”

“You mean she'll die?“

“Yes. She will die from the volcano, but she will save mankind.”
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
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Fri Apr 03, 2009 1:43 am
emmylou1995 says...



This was interesting. I think you should put less detail and drama in the beginning chapter. It seems overdramatic. Draw out the Dying of Melissa and the news of the earth about to be destroyed and all of mankind to die. Refrain from all that for a little while. Tell us more about the lives of Anya and Ivi and Melissa. Explain how Anya could time-travel in the first place. Tell the reader what time period this is and who Mr. P is. This is a little jumbled too. It was hard for me to remember who I was reading about. Perhaps make Melissa's death in the first chapters then tell about Anya and Ivy afterwards. That way the reader would know that this story was about volcano's.

Overall, this was great! Hope I helped!
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Thu Apr 16, 2009 6:08 pm
Conrad Rice says...



Hi Eliza! I'm here to give you a courtesy review since you entered this story in the CIA's contest.

This story does have a rather quirky sense of being about it. It's well written. I had a bit of a problem ironing out who I was supposed to be following at a specific moment at first, but I gradually got the hang of it. Overall, this is a nice story.

But I'm wondering why you entered it in this contest. I'm having trouble figuring out just what was supposed to be given up in this story, since that was what the contest called for it to be about. Perhaps you accidently submitted the wrong story. If so, just send me the right link and I'll be happy to help.

Overall, a good story. PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
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Sun Apr 19, 2009 1:39 am
peanutgallery007 says...



Hello Eliza! I'm here, as you wanted ;) ... *whispers*; I was going to look at this anyway, but thanks for posting ;)

Melissa sat in the midst of a huge crowd of people thinking of only one thing: their family member in the front being honored for completing high school.


I would have a comma after 'people', and I would change that colon to a semi- colon. I would also try putting a comma after 'front'.

Sighing, she sat in her seat and waited for the terribly long day to be over with at last.


I would toss the 'with'.

“This is why people don’t go around letting others from the past move to the present,” Anya quietly
thought to herself.

“What-“


This part is confusing. If she is quietly thinking to herself, then how can the other one, Isi, hear it? If it is in thought form, then it should be italicized, and if you actually meant she was talking to herself in a low voice, then I would say something like; "Anya muttered to herself"... or, something like that at least.

It began to rain, startling everyone as they rushed inside before they become extremely wet and waited for the gym to be prepared for the graduation.


You switch tenses in this sentence. You should change 'become' to 'became'. Erm... I don't get why you added on the whole 'and waited for the gym to be prepared for the graduation. ' It just doesn't make sense... have you thought about getting rid of it completely? If you don't want to do that, and you think it is crucial in moving the story forward, then please think about changing it and making it clearer for us :)

extra-ordinary


I'm pretty sure extraordinary is one word... the dash is not needed.

The entire ceiling fell as the people beneath it tried to run outside.


I would change 'as' to 'and'.

No one three hundred miles from the volcanoes survived the natural disaster. It was the worst tragedy in history.


I would put "within" between "no one" and "three".


Nice story! Was this inspired by Mt. St. Helens, or something like it? I love it. Absolutely. Love. It!

One thing you might need to do; switch back and forth a little less often. Make the sections a little longer, just so we can follow along better ;) . The sentence fluency was a little off in some places, but I always say that to people... not that I lie, I just say it a lot :oops:

Keep on going, and I hope I helped, and that you will consider taking my advice! :D
Have a peanut =)

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Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:44 pm
JFW1415 says...



Another critique for entering the CIA sacrifice contest:

In stories, people like to see variation. In sentence structure, sentence length, paragraph length, chapter length – everything. All your paragraphs are the same length, which becomes dull to read, and isn’t that aesthetically pleasing. Add a long one full of details every once in a while and it’ll improve tenfold.

This is actually much better than I would have thought. Yes, there are some problems, but I love the way you tie things together. The two scenes are interwoven beautifully, and I love that. Suspense was built up because of it, and it really salvaged your story.

There are several things that could be fixed up, though. Look at the following sections, expand on them, show emotions, details, all five senses. [Try to get Heather (Kitty15) to critique this actually – she can really help you with details.]

1. Work on your time a lot more. Why’s the man say four hours when it’s happening at the same time to the girl? Why doesn’t the girl realize what will happen if she went back in time? When was the phone conversation? How’d her brother get to her so quickly?

2. Stretch out everything during the destruction scene. The emotions, fear, confusion. What’s going on in the girl’s head? She knew this would happen. Does the other girl feel bad?

3. What is the language, and what’s the point of it?

Basically, just stretch everything out and show us more. You have the suspense with how you arranged this story – now just add some meat to the story to draw out the suspense even more. Don’t say she never makes it – let us figure it out. Your last line should show us that she doesn’t make it.

This is a good story, but I want to know more. This is chapter one – set the scene more. Let me get to know the characters and what’s going on. At this point, I wouldn’t read on – I have no need to. I’m not attached to any characters, and all I know of is wrapped up, so in my mind the story is done. This is just the beginning, but you need to give hints that it’s continuing.

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415
  





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Fri May 08, 2009 2:20 am
Lorens_01 says...



Hi there! I won't go over grammar pointing since some of the reviewers already dealt with it, I'll focus more on the story plot.

1. Stretch things up:

There are some scenes in need of desperate elaboration like the one with the volcanoes, how can the person time travel, and some physical description of the places the character are in would do.

2.Where am I?

There are instances wherein I get confused of where am I, there seems to be a drastic shifting of ideas and places in the story. Giving it transition would definitely do it.

3. Nice plot! (thumbs up)

This is practically the first story wherein I read volcanoes can destroy the world and wipe out human race. I am really intrigued of how they will prevent it from happening. Such a short time span serves as a pressure for the characters to find the person they need and lastly, can they persuade her to save humanity in the exchange of the person's own life? How will that happen? Those questions keeps me wondering and wanting to read the next installation of your story.

All in all, I love it! Don't take my advices too hard, this is some piece indeed. Improve the right transitions of your scene, elaboration, aesthetic use of words and a great working on that plot you have can nail you the 1st place of the contest you entered in. =)
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Mon May 18, 2009 3:36 am
Jackie_Perez09 says...



It was good but towards the end I got kinda confused. I mean, I knew two different people were talking but I didn't know what they looked like or who they were. Other time travellers from an even farther future kind of deal or whatnot? Also, you should let us get to know the characters a little more before jumping straight into all the drama and action, that I will agree too.

I'm not really good at grammer or punction so I'll just end it with saying that it was good and once you fix it up, I'll definatly want to read more.
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