Young Writers Society

II.
Ones are bad. Any number under ten is bad, except for fives and sevens. Fives are always good. Seven is lucky. Sevens shouldn’t be the last digit of a number though, unless it makes a pattern.
Odd numbers are horrible, except for fives. If they make a pattern like eleven or three hundred-forty-three, it’s also fine.
Fours and sixes aren’t great either. They’re too close to five and five is better.
Nines and ones are the worst. They are too close to a nice, round, even zero. The only acceptation is if they make a pattern.
Patterns are good.

_______________________
My parents just don’t get it. They don’t understand how gross this world is and why everything is just better in some kind of order.
They scowl when I wash my hands before and after I touch something. They get angry when I take thirty minute showers to decontaminate myself, and they get even angrier when I insist on doing it at least three times a day.
They don’t get it.
When I get mad at them for touching my things and messing up their order, they ground me for being rude. When I fix everything they put down, they get angry; and when I try to explain to them why their order is wrong and they should just listen to me, they make me go to my room.
They just don’t get it.
They finally ‘had it’ and demanded that I talk to someone about my ‘issues’. I don’t have any issues. They’re the ones that don’t understand. I’m perfectly fine.

________________________
My therapist asks to see my hands.
“Why? What’s wrong with my hands?” I ask.
“Nothing is wrong; I would just like to see them.” She smiled kindly at me.
I obediently put my hands in front of her. They could not touch her desk or any of her things. Those things are contaminated.
She gently took one of my hands in hers and ran her fingers carefully over my knuckles and joints. I didn’t understand what she was trying to do here. It was just spreading germs.
“Your hands are very dry, Jakeb. Why do you think that is?”
Was this some kind of trick question?
“I don’t know.”
“How many times a day would you say you wash your hands?”
Her questions were so confusing to me. She was making it seem like washing your hands was a bad thing or something.
“I don’t know.”
“Would you say a lot, like more than twice an hour?”
“Yeah.”
“How many times an hour do you typically wash your hands? Maybe that’s a better way to put it.”
“I don’t know, maybe three or four.” I still did not see what was wrong with this.
“What do your parents think about this?”
“They don’t like it because they don’t get it.”
“What don’t they get?”
“How many germs we are contaminated with every second of every day.”
“Do you see anything wrong with how much you wash your hands?”
“No. I’m getting rid of the germs.”
She paused for a couple of minutes to right things down in her notebooks. I counted her ceiling tiles. There were sixty-five. What a great number. However, one of the tiles had a stain on it which not only repulsed me but also made me upset. That one soiled tile ruined the other perfect sixty-four.
The therapist once again interrupted my thoughts.
“Before you go today Jakeb I just want to show you what your doing to yourself.” She motioned for me to come closer.
I didn’t understand. What I was doing to myself? I’m helping myself. I’m saving myself from being eaten away by germs.
She took my hand again. “You are ruining your skin, Jakeb.” Her fingers went over the super dry patches I hadn’t even noticed before. “By washing your hands, and your skin this much you are stripping away the essential oils of your skin, which means your skin is going to dry out like this.” She put my hand down. “I’m not asking you to stop washing your hands so often, because I know you won’t do that. Take this lotion, and for every time you wash your hands I want you to squirt some lotion on right after. It won’t give you germs, I promise.” She smiled and handed me a small blue bottle.
I grabbed it with the hand that was already contaminated, the one she had touched.
I wasn’t sure if I would follow her advice or not. I couldn’t decide if it was worth the risk.

Hello there, I’ll be reviewing your story today. c:

Seven’s shouldn’t be the

‘Sevens shouldn’t be the’

like 11 or 343, it’s also fine.

‘like eleven or three hundred and forty three’

I love the whole of the first part – it gives a really good insight into your character’s mind, letting us see the world through their eyes without being overly obvious about it. Love it.

take thirty minute showers to

‘thirty minute showers’ sounds a little awkward – maybe try something like, ‘thirty minute-long showers’, or something? I’m not sure, though; it could just be me being fussy.

insist to do it at

I think this would work better as, ‘insist on doing it’.

being rude to them.

I don’t think ‘to them’ is necessary – you’ve already mentioned your character’s parents as ‘them’ and ‘they’ already, and I think the sentence would flow better if it ended just in ‘being rude.’

They finally ‘had it’ and

‘They had finally ‘had it’ and’?

They are the ones

Considering your character’s voice, I think this would go better as, ‘They’re the ones’.

They could not touch her desk or any of her things. Those things are contaminated.

For some reason, I really love these two sentences; I can totally imagine your character hovering his hands just over the desk, eyes darting, ready to get up and run – all in two sentences. Lovely.

was trying to do here.

I’d advise you take out ‘here’, as it seems unnecessary (to me).
So just: ‘was trying to do.’

I’m helping myself. I’m saving myself from being eaten away by germs.

Tense switch. Keep it in the past (and I think it would go better as): ‘I was helping myself, saving myself from being eaten away by germs.’
Lovely, powerful imagery here, though. c:

I want to read more now, though. (: Damn cliffhanger endings. Just a few minor things here, really - this is a very nice piece.

I've never seen a story based on this before, but I after reading it I can't understand why? It was a great character study, and you portrayed a very realistic depiction of this disease. I really feel for Jakeb, and I'm excited to see where this is going.

My one criticism, however, is that there really isn't a story set up at all. Granted, your piece is very short, but I was hoping to get an aspect of what it will be about in chapters to come.

That's about it. Just don't stop writing it, please! I'm really invested in your character and I don't want to see him disappear. In fact, could you please PM when you release more of your story?

Keep up the good work!

Thanks for the reviews! Edited
(Oh and if you haven't already read the first part too. It's not crucial to 'get' this part, but ya know )

-Carly

((Whoot! 550 posts! ))

Hey =]

I've just read both parts of this and I really enjoyed it.

This story seems really original - I haven't read a story from the point of view of someone with OCD before

I think you describe the stereotypical thoughts and actions of someone with OCD really well.

I couldn't find that much wrong with it either, although - She paused for a couple of minutes to right things down in her notebooks. - 'right' should be 'write'

I look forward to part three =]

Great job!

xDudettex

Hey part two. Awesome!

Because I didn’t find any nitpicks grammatically or style wise aside from one, and that was your typo which was already pointed out, I’m just going to give my opinion on each of the three sections.

So this way of opening was interesting for me to read after the first section, though I’m sure anyone who was reading it without reading the first part are probably just thinking that this is a bunch of craziness. Not so, I like how you go into these little details. That’s the way OCD is. It’s about the little details we all miss. But what about eight and three. They must feel very left out right now.

The information that you give in the second portion sounds a bit like a typical parent/child relationship with that twist of the fact that Jakeb is in trouble for wanting order and cleanliness rather than general teenage chaos. Not only that, but it’s good to get Jakeb’s opinion of his parents. We didn’t see too much of that in the first part.

Lastly we have the therapist again. It’s good to see that you’ve taken into consideration that Jakeb washes his hands a lot AND that there is a result to this action. Cause and Effect. People often forget this. There’s cause but they forget the effect. The character spills juice but there is no stain or leaves the light on all day and doesn’t come home to a burnt out light bulb. It’s good to see a very effective example of cause and effect.

What I think I probably enjoy most about this is that it reminds me of the television series Monk without all the investigative mumbo jumbo. However, throughout this section, there is a lack of the short powerful sentences that so impressed me in the first section. Perhaps go in and cut down a few sentences so that we still have that effect in this section.

Drop me a line in the will review forum when the next part is up. I’m dying to read more.

~lilymoore

Eeep, there's more! I haven't read this part yet, so yay! You are automatically awesome for posting a second part.


That whole first part about the numbers.... Huh? Where is he/she when he/she is thinking about this? What caused the sudden tyrade? You probably explain it later though, so I'm going to stop throwing questions at you and read. ^^

They finally ‘had it’ and demanded that I talk to someone about my ‘issues’. I don’t have any issues. They’re the ones that don’t understand. I’m perfectly fine.

I like this. Here, we see a normal teenage person, a little angsty and just a bit in denial. This is good. Things like these make a character.

She smiled kindly at me.

Eep! Tense mix-ups! You'll learn quickly that I have OCD about grammar like your character does about posters and numbers, and tense mix-ups are a major pet-peeve of mine. Smiled should be smiles.

Your hands are very dry, Jakeb.

I think the correct way to spell the name is Jacob? But I've seen Molly spelled Molleigh, so you can keep it this way if you'd like. I was just wondering if it was a typo...

Before you go today Jakeb I just want to show you what your doing to yourself.

Comma before and after Jakeb, and your should be you're.

What I was doing to myself?

Grr, tenses! It should read: What I am doing to myself? But since that sounds wonky, perhaps: What am I doing to myself? You're choice, darling.

By washing your hands, and your skin this much

No comma after hands. Also, you repeat "your skin" a lot in that one sentence. Consider substituting with 'it'.



Alright. This definitely showed a stronger character and clearer relationships between the MC and other people in his life. I lovelovelove how you utilized cause and effect to show how Jakeb was not only ruining his mental state, but his body as well. I can't find anything else to say about this, so wonderful job and gold star. ^^

Hello, me again, reviewing for your review that you won in the competition.

They’re too close to five and five is better.

They're too close to five. Five is better.

I find it odd that you think that odd numbers are bad, but your two favorite numbers are both odd... strange.

That's all for the nit-picks, but I can't say too much for the rest of the story. It was very short, and I could just about say the same as I did for the other one. I like the 'parents just don't get it' thing, but the sentences you use in the second section are a little too long for the OCD feeling. Try and break them up.
Well, sorry I couldn't be much help on this one, but I'll be back to review another for your stories soon! Only three more to go, and if you have any that you want reviewed especially just let me know!