My gaze broke first, and Derick and Melissa move away.
You put me on tenterhooks wondering if Ellen and Derick would get together in the end. I'm very glad they did though, they're both likable characters!
The sinus-clearing smell of chlorine filled my nose
][i“Over my dead body!”[/i]
He searches for the right words:
Suzanne had managed to get a partner for the night
In any other situation, I would laugh and tell him to relax. But I could tell even without looking at his face that he was struggling. He stumbled a little and squeezed my hand as a result.
“Derick?”
“Do you hate me now?”
“What?”
The taste of him, the intoxicating smell of him, the feeling of his body so close to mine . . . all of it seemed like a dream.
This seems a bit redundant to me. People usually are disappointed when they're let down... and it seems a bit strange for a casual narration to use "one".adopting the disappointed feeling one gets when one is let down,
It should be "principal".When the principle held an assembly stating that all men are created equal and should be treated equal, she joined Derick and me at our secluded lunch table.
That's a great line.Why do I have the feeling that I’m face-to-face with the devil?
There's a tense change here. There might be other places too, but I wasn't paying attention. Haha, sorry.I adjusted my purse and say, “Yes.”
This is perfect. I love how you described it making it seem as if our eyes are travelling up him slowly.My eyes traveled up him slowly. Ironed gray suit pants; the loose belt; the clean white shirt; the rolled up sleeves; the hands settling easily in the pockets. The broad shoulders. The handsome face. The Bohemian eyes filled with unease.
his talking and laughing—and tenderly touching—another girl
Melissa sent me a calm, cool look of absolute triumph.
Derick and Melissa moved away.
the disappointed feeling one gets when [s]one is[/s] let down,
Anything, but think of those two.
Melissa’s pretty and popular, and known all around as an absolute angel.
half-drunk glasses of milk
Nuh-uh, doesn't sound very good. Try half-empty – or half-full, it's up to you.As I guide him through the literature textbook, I’m not focused on studying, and judging by the nervous action of stroking his pencil with his thumb, neither is he.
I suggest that 'neither is he' would get its own sentence. Thus, stop the previous sentence at 'thumb'.Derick, whose parents are half-Jewish, half-Austrian, lifts his sky-blue, Bohemian eyes to me.
I don't think one would say 'half-Jewish, half-Austrian' since you can be Jewish and Austrian at the same time. And do you mean that it's his parents who are half and half, or Derick? Because wouldn't that make him one quarter Austrian and so on? Also, how are the eyes Bohemian? I like the image, but explain it a little.He’s as apposed to Hitler as we are.
Opposed?She shrugs and [s]is silent. She[/s] doesn’t say another word, which is suspicious to me.From a distance, I see the back of Derick’s dark head, bending too closely to Melissa’s bright yellow one. I'm shocked a moment later when I realize they are kissing. Without a glance at me, they leave the square, hand in hand.
This is after the flash-back, so the tense is past again, like you've had it.He looked at me, slightly like a child does pleadingly to his mother.
The word order seems a bit off in here.Moments, a pair of shiny back shoes appeared right in front of my delicate little heels.
Moments? Also, aren't heels supposed to be behind you, so how could the shoes appear in front of them? Unless it means her shoes, 'high heels'.Ironed gray suit pants; [s]the[/s] a loose belt; [s]the[s] a clean white shirt; [s]the[/s] rolled up sleeves; [s]the[/s] hands settling easily in the pockets.“Would you dance?”
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