River flows in you

*So, I wrote this in my Arts class. It's a bit 'sketchy', so I need a lot of help! And if some of you wonder, I based this on a dream I had and polished it up listening to "River flows in you". Enjoy!*

River flows in you

by Kat (*writewatiwant*)

Can someone stop a river from running? Maybe with a dam or a deck.
Life is like a river. It runs its course then ends at the sea. Has my river stopped running?
Could it be that my life… stopped? A worried expression appeared on my face, but it was quickly replaced by a surprised one.
“Is that… my face?” I wondered, shocked, looking at the mirror. I’ve changed so much. I was like a walking ghost. My body was small and skinny. My eyes were tired and had big dark lines under them. I knew I didn’t sleep much, but did I not sleep at all?
Sure, the nights did seemed endless; but aren’t they supposed to seem like that, since you’re hurting?
I closed my eyes again, trying to keep comfortable, but not even my bed could bring me such delighted feeling. My mind divagated between lost memories of past times and the terrible feelings that overpowered me. Lost, pain, and hurt. Could I even name them all?
His memories comforted me; bringing the slightest shine of hope to me. Blurry memories, they were. To make my pain worst, my mind had decided to erase anything that could hurt me. My heart wanted to remember him, while my mind, unconsciously, was erasing him bit by bit. It hurt too much. I wanted to remember him so eagerly! To remember his touch, his scent, his bright emerald eyes and his hazelnut hair. How it felt when he kissed me, or how my heart raced when we talked.
Only after a few weeks I realized why it hurt so much to have lost him. I not only lost love, but a best friend too. My heart was ripped and pulled out, played with. How can someone support something like this?
My eyes opened with tears; I could barely see my bedroom's ceiling. I needed to breathe! It seemed like my chest was full of pain, suppressing my organs and lungs, making it hard to breathe.
I heard the shy raindrops falling on my window. One memory I would never allow to be erased, was the time he first kissed me. We were in my garden, playing around and dancing. I remembered it very clearly, this one. I was about 15 years old. I had known him since I was six and loved him as a friend. He kissed me and I smiled.
“I love you,” he told me.
I smiled and said, “I love you, too.”
It was a perfect moment that no one could ruin. It was pure, innocent. The sky started to cry.
“Let’s go inside” I said, already wet.
He grabbed my arm and embraced me in his arms. And we danced. We danced until the rain stopped and the sun shone again. A smile never left his lips, even when the next morning we both woke up with a cold.
I smiled, reliving every moment. Only he could make me smile now. I jumped off the bed, which had been my nest for the past three months. I walked downstairs. My parents weren’t home. Even if they were, they wouldn’t notice. Only Stephan cared. I opened the door and stood on the front porch. Would I dare?
I ran into the front lawn, my feet feeling the grass and earth that were mixed up. I was instantly wet. I smiled at the sky. The clouds were shaped into a million forms, some recognizable, some not. I ran on the lawn, enjoying the freedom. I suddenly stopped, seeing two figures semi-transparent in front of me. Was that me, four years ago?
The scene played again, lively, in front of my bare eyes. I was seeing as if it was happening. Tears burned my eyes again, and my tears mixed with the ones from the sky. I seemed to be crying as hard as the skies. I fell to my knees.
“My river, my life, stopped moving!” I screamed.
I covered my eyes with my hands until I felt something lightly touch my arm. I looked up to see you. My imagination playing tricks, but it felt so real.
“River flows in you” I heard him say. I smiled and held on to his image for as long as I could. The rain wasn’t stopping this time, and after a while all I could see was black. There was no more tomorrow. Finally, I could live in the past.

Hey, I'm MJ.

Can someone stop a river from running? Maybe witha dam or a deck.

Life is like a river. It runs its course withit ending at the sea. Has my river stopped running?

Could it be that my life… stopped? A worried expression appearson my face, but is quickly replaced by a surprised one.

“Is that… my face?” I wondered, shocked, looking at the mirror. I’ve changed so much. I’m like a walking ghost. My body is small and skinny. My eyes are tired and have big dark lines under them. I knew I didn’t sleep much, but did I not sleep at all?

Sure, the nights do seem endless; but aren’t they supposed to seem like that, since you’re hurting?
I close my eyes again, trying to keep comfortable, but not even my bed can bring me such delighted feeling. My mind divagated between lost memories of past times and the terrible feelings that overpowered me. Lost, pain, and hurt. Can I even name them all?

His memories comforted me; bringing the slightest shine of hope to me. Blurry memories, they were. To make my pain worse, my mind had decided to erase anything that can hurt me. My heart wanted to remember him, while my mind, unconsciously, was erasing him bit by bit. It hurt too much. I wanted to remember him so eagerly! To remember his touch, his scent, his bright emerald eyes and his hazelnut hair. How it felt when he kissed me, or how my heart raced when we talked.

Only after a few weeks I realized why it hurt so much to have lost him. I not only lost love, but a best friend too. My heart was ripped and pulled out, played with. How can someone support something like this?

My eyes opened with tears. I heard the shy raindrops falling on my window. One memory I would never allow to be erased. The time he first kissed me. We were in my garden, playing around and dancing. I remember very clearly, this one. I was about 15 years old. I had known him since I was six and loved him as a friend. He kissed me and I smiled.

“I love you,” I smiled and said “I love you too.” It was a perfect moment that no one could ruin. It was pure, innocent. The sky started to cry.

“Let’s go inside,” I said, already wet.

He grabbed my arm and embraced me in his arms. And we danced. We danced until the rain stopped and the sun shone again. A smile never left his lips, even when the next morning we both woke up with a cold.

I smiled, reliving every moment. Only him could make me smile now. I jumped off the bed, which had been a nest for the past three months. I walked downstairs. My parents weren’t home. Even if they were, they wouldn’t notice. Only Stephan cared. I opened the door and stood on the front porch. Would I dare?

I ran into the front lawn, my foot feeling the grass and earth that were mixed up. I was instantly wet. I smiled at the sky. The clouds were shaped into a million forms, some recognizable and some not. I ran on the lawn, enjoying the freedom. I suddenly stopped, seeing two figures semi-transparent in front of me. Is that me, four years ago?

The scene played again, lively, in front of my bare eyes. I was seeing as if it was happening. Tears burned my eyes again, and my tears mixed with the ones from the sky. I seemed to be crying as hard as the skies. I fell to my knees.

“My river, my life, stopped moving!” I screamed.

I covered my eyes with my hands until I felt something lightly touch my arm. I looked up and saw you. My imagination playing tricks, but it felt so real.

“River flows in you” I heard him say. I smiled and hold on to his image for as long as I could. The rain wasn’t stopping this time, and after a while all I could see was black. There was no more tomorrow. Finally, I could live in the past.

The bold words are some mistakes or things I thought needed to be changed to make sense.
The the first italicized word was misspelled.
The second confused me. I don't know what you meant there.

Hope this helps you!

Don't hesitate to PM me if you need anything else.

MJ

Kat! *hugs* You should have dropped by my Will Review For Food thread and told me about this! Haha; no matter.
Onward with the review!

Grammar:

It runs its course then ending at the sea. Has my river stopped running? The first sentence didn't come out right. Perhaps try, "It runs its course and then ends at the sea." or something similar to that. I loved the second one.

Tense change alert! You went from...

Present:A worried expression is shown on my face, but is quickly replaced by a surprised one.

To past:“Is that… my face?” I wondered, shocked, looking at the mirror.

I closed We're going to make it past tense. my eyes again, trying to keep comfortable, but not even my bed [s]can[/s]could bring me such delighted feeling. My mind divagated between lost memories of past times and the terrible feelings that overpowered me. Lost, pain, hurt. [s]Can[/s]Could I even name them all?

Blurry memories, they were. A Yoda sentence, this is.

To make my pain wors[s]t[/s]e, my mind had decided to erase anything that [s]can[/s]could hurt me... was erasing him bit[s]s[/s] by bit[s]s[/s].

I had not only lost love, but a best friend, too. My heart was ripped and pulled out, played with. How [s]can[/s]could someone support something like this?

I heard the shy raindrops falling on my window. Gorgeous line. One memory I would never allow to be erased[s]. T[/s] was the time he first kissed me. We were in my garden, playing around and dancing. I remember it very clearly, this one.

“I love you,” I smiled and said “I love you, too”. She said I love you to herself? That doesn't seem right... Perhaps you meant:
"I love you," he told me.
I smiled and said, "I love you, too."
Sounds better.

And we danced. We danced until the rain stopped and the sun shone again. A smile never left his lips, even when we woke up the next morning [s]we woke up[/s] with a cold.

Only [s]him[/s]he could make me smile [s]k[/s]now. I jumped off the bed, which had been my nest for the past three months.

I ran into the front lawn, my [s]foot[/s]feet... Or does she only have one leg? feeling the grass and earth that were mixed up.... some recognizable, some not. I ran on the lawn, enjoying the freedom. I suddenly stopped, seeing two figures semi-transparent in front of me. [s]Is[/s]Was that me, four years ago?

“River flows in you,” I heard him say. I don't think that sounds quite right. You just said, "I saw you." Now, you're saying "him". Are there two people? I smiled and [s]hold[/s]held on to his image for as long as I could.

Language Usage: You had some great figurative language. Some of the text was a bit choppily written and didn't flow well, though. Try saying things aloud if you think they read a bit funny. I like it when the mood of the text fits how it's written. That's a bit poetic, but I think it goes nicely with short stories at times. For instance, if something is continually compared to tears and rain (like this piece), I'd like the words to flow like a river of tears and rain would. Maybe I sound crazy. Maybe I am crazy.

Tenses: Kat, darling, watch those tenses! You jumped around from past to present and all over again a lot in this story. Try to keep it down to just one tense so the simpler folk can follow along, okay? Haha.

Writing Style: This could really fit in under Language Usage, especially the comment about the flowing sentences. It came across as quickly written, but editing will fix that for you!

Imagery and Emotion: I put these two together because I felt I didn't get enough of either. Sometimes, there were brilliant, absolutely, gorgeously, brilliant, moments of imagery when you used your figurative language. But, most of the time, I wasn't able to picture the scenes as they played in my head! Try to create more imagery with descriptive words to make the piece sound better.
Second is the emotion. I didn't really feel anything, you know? I felt like I should have- with this plot, but I really didn't. Perhaps more descriptions about her emotions as well would help. Joyous or agonizing. Whatever fits!

Plot: The plot was pretty good, but a little forgettable. I had to save this review and come back to it, and I barely remembered what had happened except for her remembering dancing in the grass, saying I love you, and then wondering if her life, her river, had stopped. So try and make things more memorable by playing up the plot a bit more. Then again, editing the piece's writing style would help make it a bit more interesting. Don't get me wrong, I would really like to see this piece turn into something wonderful- which it could!

Overall: Overall, I thought it was interesting. Since it was hastily written, it could use some improvement in that department. If you decide to revise it, please PM me with it! I'd like to help if you need it!

Hope I was helpful!

Love,
Music.

Thank you moon jumper!

Oh my, Music, so many mistakes! Many thanks for such a detailed review and I'll make sure to remember to drop by your Will Review for Food thread the next time!