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Teddy Bear's Story



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Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:44 pm
MidnightVampire says...



This story has gay characters, so don't read this if you aren't okay with that. Harsh critiques are welcome along with your thoughts on my characters

The bell rang. Students started to fill the hall and I pushed through them to the art room.
“Teddy bear!”
“Oh gosh, not-” My sentence was cut short as I felt arms wrap around me and press me against an annoyingly familiar chest.
“Hey Teddy bear.”
“Hey Zack.” A crowd began to form as I suppressed a groan, and Zack noticed. He and I had been buds ever since last year, which almost scared me. Because, he was, well he was-
“Nothing to watch here,” he announced, “Just two gay men talking in the hall.”
Well… He was gay. “Wait, what do you mean 'two gay men'? I'm straight, you know that.”
“But you won’t always be,” he whispered in my ear. Yes I will, I have to be, will not be gay. Without saying a word, I struggled out of his hug and walked into the art classroom. Granted, I wasn’t escaping him in the first place when I went to my last class of the day. But it was impossible to avoid him when he sat right next to me.
My teacher, Mrs. Epstein, came in dressed in her usual kooky outfit. Today it was overalls with paint splattered on them over a bright yellow shirt with what seemed to be squares of checkered picnic fabric sewn on. The left pant leg was rolled up to her knee to reveal a striped sock which she had decided to match with a yellow pair of flip flops. Her hair was put up into a messy bun, pieces going in every which direction, and her glasses were almost falling off her face. “Alright guys,” she said, “Today we’re going to start our emotions project.” Throughout the room, there was a sea of groans. “Stop whining you guys, I think you may actually like this one.” She waited until people stopped talking before continuing, “I want everyone in this classroom to paint me a picture that shows an emotion.” From the corner of my eye, I saw Connor raise his hand. “No, Connor, I do not want you to draw a smiley face.” As he lowered his hand, people laughed. “That is the exact thing about this assignment. I want you to show an emotion without drawing someone who has a smile on their face.” She looked at Connor as she said this, which made more people snicker. “I want you to use other things. Symbolism. Everything you can think of. I want you to make me guess what your emotion is.” I was surprised that the assignment was normal. She had given us many crazy assignments in the past, and this one was perhaps the most normal one yet. Maybe the principal was threatening to fire her. I wouldn’t be surprised.
She handed paper to our tables, which were in groups of two. “I think you two will love this one,” she said as she handed both of us some pieces of paper to plan our paintings out on. I wasn’t sure what she meant. Did she think Zack and I were…were…dating? No, I thought, I’m straight. He may not be, but I am straight. And will always be. I gave Zack a questioning look, “What was that about?” He shrugged his shoulders.
“Not sure. It’s Mrs. Epstein, man. She doesn’t need explaining. She just is.” He stopped talking to me as we both worked. When the bell rang and we packed up, I still had a blank sheet of paper.

My brother, Jason, arrived home a good thirty minutes after me. He was a freshman at my high school. He worked out with his friends at the rec center not too far away, and then their moms would bring them home. “Hey Ted,” he said. After he was sure that Mom wasn’t in the house, he continued, “I got so many numbers from a lot of hot chicks today,but only a few were Christian.”
“Don’t rub it in,” I said. I knew he was good with the girls and all, but really…
“Oh, yeah. I forgot.” I hadn’t gotten a date with a girl since I was a sophomore, which was two years ago.
“Sure,” I said sarcastically. Jason gave me a pleading look.
“Go ahead,” I sighed. I tuned out the rest of his one-sided conversation about how all the girls were amazingly hot, as in volcano hot. Of course, he didn’t tell me any of the girl’s names. Figures that he wouldn’t remember that sort of thing. Just then, Mom walked in, and Jason quickly stopped talking. My brother and I tended to censor our talk around Mom. She was extremely religious, and didn’t like him talking about girls the way he did. Disrespectful, she called it. Jason was really religious too, but that doesn’t stop him from talking like that. I guess Dad was religious as well, but he didn’t care how we talked about girls.
I was the black sheep out. Yeah, I attend church every Sunday, but most of that is Mom’s doing, meaning she dragged me out the door. Not that she noticed that I had been trying to make excuses since seventh grade.

The next day it was Saturday. How I loved Saturdays. There wasn’t any church, and since I always procrastinated, there wasn’t really any homework. Normally, I slept in, but the phone woke me up. “Hello?” I answered groggily.
“May I speak to Ted?”
“Yes, this is he…who is this?”
“Hey Teddy bear, it’s Zack!”
“Hey,” I said, wondering why he was calling.
“How’s your emotions painting going?”
I laughed nervously.
“Terrible, isn’t it?” he guessed.
“I haven’t even started.” Another nervous laugh escaped me. Gosh, I was going to fail art. Why did I even take art? I couldn’t even draw that well.
“Want to come hiking with me? We can draw the landscape when we reach the top. It might get your creative juices flowing, you know, to help you with your painting.”
“Sounds okay to me, I guess.” As long as he didn’t pull a gay move on me, that was.
“Have you had breakfast?” I was going to lie and say yes, but my stomach growled loudly.
“No.”
“How about we go to breakfast first?”
“I-I’d rather not,” I replied, ignoring my protesting stomach.
“I’ll pay,” he tempted.
“That’s not fair,” I said, “You know I have to start saving up for college.”
“Is that a yes?” he asked, though I was sure he already knew the answer.
“Yeah.”
“Then I’ll be there at ten.” I looked at the clock. It was 9:30. I was going to have to hurry.
“Okay. Bye.”
“See you soon.” I hung up and went downstairs. Jason was already eating breakfast when I walked in.
“Where’s Mom?”
“Not sure. Why are you in such a hurry?”
“I’m going somewhere with a friend.” I grabbed a couple energy bars from the cabinet for snacks and threw them into a backpack.
“Where are you going?” Mom asked as she entered the kitchen.
“Me and a friend are going to go get some breakfast and then go hiking. We are going to draw the landscape when we reach the top.”
“Bring your cell phone.” Most parents probably didn’t have to remind their kids to turn on their cell phone and bring it with them, but I’d never really gotten the hang of that. I’d missed so many calls from my parents, friends, and girlfriends. Well, I hadn’t gone out with a girl in two years, but it still counted. I threw random things in my backpack for the next twenty minutes: oil pastels, pencils, erasers, my notebook, and other things. When I finished getting dressed, the doorbell rang. I grabbed my backpack and left.
The weather was nice, the sun was up and there wasn’t a breeze. We sat outside at a local place that served breakfast and coffee. If Zack dressed the same way at school as he did that morning, he would have had more girls lined up to date him than my brother. Wait, why was I even noticing that? I was straight! Straight! I should not have been noticing how a guy dressed and how good he looked and… I stopped myself right there and slapped my arm. Zack gave me an odd look, which I admit I probably deserved. “What was that for?”
“Nothing.” Well, nothing except my uncontrollable thoughts. I bit into my breakfast burrito. “So, where are we climbing?”
“I was thinking the Rock.” The Rock was a mild hike, and then a free climb. It was relatively easy because there were lots of handholds. Even if it weren’t, the view from the top was worth it. Since the Rock overlooked the town, it was a really good spot to see the mountains without a house or something in the way.
“Alright,” I replied. After we finished eating, we started off on the hike. On the way up, he pulled out his camera and took pictures of the scenery. That was one of the reasons I liked this hike; it was really beautiful, and there wasn’t anyone from town who usually went there. It was rare that anyone from school came here. They always spent their time at the movie theater, coffee shop, or somewhere equally as popular. Here, it was peaceful.

When we reached the top, we put our stuff down and took in the scenery before us. I had forgotten how much I loved this place. It had been such a long time since I had been there. Zack and I piled our pencils, oil pastels, and charcoal. I started to draw a church- one of the few buildings that were easily recognizable from the Rock, as it was also on a hill. I tried to capture the serenity of it when the light hit the windows, while still showing the creepiness of the dead trees behind it. I couldn’t see the trees, though- which might have been the problem- but I knew that they were there. Frustrated, I erased a tree for the fifth time. They weren’t working; there was just something wrong with them.
“Need some help, Teddy bear?” I wanted to tell Zack how he shouldn’t call me that, because people were going to think that I was gay, but I needed his help badly. He was a really good artist, and my drawing needed help.
“Yeah,” I replied. Zack came close behind me. I could feel his breath on my neck, his hard chest against my back. I imagined whirling around and slipping my hand under his- Damn it, I was gay! I mean…straight. I was straight! Straight, straight, straight, straight!
“What are you having trouble with?” he asked.
“The trees,” I said, “I can’t seem to get them right.” Zack pulled out his camera and showed me a picture of a tree he had taken on the way up. He rested his head on my shoulder with one arm holding the camera and the other supporting it, so his hands were wrapped around me. I was hoping I could have avoided this.
“Your trees are too perfect,” he said.
“What?”
“They’re too perfect,” he explained, “No tree has an even number of twigs or perfectly straight branches and trunks.” He released the camera with one hand, and put the other over mine. My heart picked up its pace a little. No, there was no way that it should be doing that. I did not like him. I hoped he couldn’t feel my blood pounding as he carefully guided my hand and drew the tree with a gnarled trunk and branches with twists in them.
“Thanks,” I replied. This was my clue to him to get his hands off of me. Instead, he rested his head fully on my shoulder.
“Zack,” I sighed as a breeze picked up and goose bumps appeared on my skin. “Please don’t. We have to go home soon.”
“You’re cold,” he replied, but didn’t budge.
“Am not,” I argued as breeze picked up.
“You have goose bumps,” he reasoned.
“So let’s go home then.”
“Sure, just put on a jacket. Then we’ll go.”
“I don’t have a jacket…” I said, and Zack tossed his at me.
“Then wear mine.” After I put it on, I realized that it smelled like sandalwood with soap and...I stoppped my thoughts short, but I couldn't help myself, I took a deep breath and smiled.
When I got into the car, I handed Zack his sweater. “Hey, how about you come over to my house?”
“Uh, I don’t think that’s such-
“You owe me for paying for breakfast,” he reminded me. “You can stay over, and we can feed you dinner and breakfast, and then we can go to the Rock again.”
“Sure,” I replied, though I was afraid of what could happen. God...I don't like the looks of this.

That night, he decided to sleep on the floor and give me the bed. I was relieved; there was no possible way that anything could happen if I was on a separate bed. Or so I thought. I didn’t know how it happened. I truly didn’t know. I was sleeping on the bed, which I guess was pretty low, and I did move around a lot in my sleep, but I didn’t know how I managed to fall on the floor without waking up immediately. When I did wake up, I felt Zack against me. One of his arms was around my waist as if I was a teddy bear-which I wasn’t, despite the nickname- and his hand had crawled up the shirt I was borrowing from him. Which smelled really good, not that I was paying attention. Zack’s head rested on my shoulder. Gosh, I hoped he didn’t drool or anything.
It was odd. There was a small part of me that wanted to slap him. That wanted to wake him up tell him never to do what he was doing again. The other part of me argued that I was the one who ended up on the floor, not him. The feeling of being next to him almost felt comforting, safe. I almost liked the feel of his cold hands under my shirt.
I slapped myself so hard that it gave me goose bumps. He didn’t even stir. Gosh, he was a heavy sleeper. I was tired, really tired. I blame my sleepiness as to why I didn’t move, because I was not gay. I couldn’t be.
In the morning, I wasn’t being held hostage anymore. Next to me, Zack was asleep on his back, and his shirt had ridden up and revealed muscle that I had never noticed before. Compared to him, I felt like a shrimp. I didn’t go to the bathroom to change, not that I really knew where it was anyways. I was about to put on my shirt when I was attacked from behind. By this, I meant I was hugged unwillingly. I let out a startled yelp and turned around. My shirt dropped from my hands and I hastily bent down to pick it up. Quickly, I put it on, failing to notice that it was backwards and inside out.
“You’re funny in the morning,” he said.

Zack’s parents were both already at work, and he was the only child. We were the only ones in the house. He led me into the empty kitchen. “You can have anything you want for breakfast.”
“I-I’d rather not. This is your house. What do you want?”
“You” he responded, making me laugh nervously.
“I meant for breakfast.”
“I’d still rather have you.” God, I wouldn’t have mind if lightning had struck me right then.
“So, cereal?” I started searching the cabinets.
“We don’t have any.” I looked into the cabinet I had just opened and raised one eyebrow. Inside were numerous boxes of cereal.
“Really?”
“You’re not allowed to eat cereal.”
“What? Why?”
“You’re too special. I love you too much.” He had barely even finished the sentence when he closed the cabinet door and pushed me against it.
And then kissed me.
Damn it. Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit. God, please make someone murder me. Now. It was only a small peck on the cheek, thankfully, and he didn’t continue.
“What was that for?” I demanded.
“Well, after last night…” His voice trailed off.
“What are you talking about?”
“You got out of bed and fell asleep right next to me. I watched you.” Man, was my brain trying to get me to commit suicide? It was true, I sleep walked, but this type of thing had never happened to me before.It was hard to believe. I had, apparently, sleptwalked into a guy's bed. Not just any guy, either, a gay guy's bed. And worst of all...Zack's bed.
The more we hung out the next few weeks, and the less he did things like that, the more I began to trust him again. After two weeks, I wasn’t afraid of anything happening. The worst he had done was call me embarrassing names. After school Thursday, I got a call from him.
“Teddy bear?”
“I take it this is Zack?” I said bluntly.
“Good guess. Anyways, do you want to come over to my house for dinner?”
“Sure.” I replied with little enthusiasm. Then I remembered how good the breakfast he had cooked me when I had been at his house was. “Actually, yeah, it’d be great.”
When I entered his house I barely had any time to put any of my stuff down before I was shoved in the direction of the kitchen. There was a small table with a stark white cloth, set for four. The only light was coming from the candles in the middle of the table. “The lasagna will be done soon,” Zack surprised me. I hadn’t noticed him come up behind me. We sat there in silence for a few seconds, both of us were mesmerized by the flickering light dancing on the walls from the candles. The phone rang, and we both jumped. He picked it up and talked for a few moments. “Well, I hope you're hungry,” Zack said after he hung up, “Because Mom and Dad just bailed.” While we waited for the lasagna to cook, we talked about school, and mainly Mrs. Epstein. She had recently handed back our emotions paintings. Mine was of a regular man walking down a deserted street. His shadow on the wall, though, wasn’t as normal. Red tears dripped off of the shadow’s face. His foot was chained to a cross, which was making it harder for the shadow to move. I wasn’t really sure how the painting came to be, but I had just decided to paint that day. Mrs. Epstein had asked me what it signified. Not sure what it really meant myself, her told her that “It was personal.”
When the lasagna was done, we decided not to sit at the table. Instead, I sat on the island in the kitchen and he leaned against the counter across from me. We were both done eating when he walked closer to the island and said, “You have something on your face.” I realized that I had a bit of the sauce next to my mouth. I moved to get off of the island to get a napkin. Zack being, well, Zack, grabbed my wrist and moved me back towards the island. He leaned in and licked the sauce off. Licked it!! Then, before I could get away- well, if I could have, I was so shocked that I couldn’t move- he kissed me. This time it wasn’t any simple peck on the cheek. No, this was a real kiss. All I could do was stand there in shock for several seconds. And I thought this would be a simple dinner.
“No.” That was the first thing I said. “I-I can’t do this. I’m straight. I can’t like another guy. It-it’s just not right.”
“Well,” Zack said, “You were straight. I don’t think you will be for much longer, if you haven’t changed.” With that, he kissed me again.
He continued this. My hand was forced into one of his, while the other roamed the inside of my shirt, and his tongue had slipped into my mouth. What scared me was that, with each kiss, each hug, I didn’t mind it as much. By the end, I was the one kissing him.
God…please forgive me. I tried.
~
Jason had just gotten home when I started to head out. "Ted, we gotta talk," I heard him say. In his hand was a folded piece of paper.
"Sorry," I yelled back, "I'll talk with you later."
Later, Zack and I were on top of the Rock. We often ended up going there to escape any odd looks. Jason didn’t know about me yet, about Zack and I. I knew that Jason wanted to speak to me, but I didn't think it would be important enough for him to follow me, and yet I heard him calling my name. “Wait here,” I whispered to Zack. He nodded as I left the comfort of his arms and climbed down to meet my brother. “What?” He leaned up against a rock and pulled the same piece of paper that he had had earlier that day, out of his pocket.
“Mrs. Epstein said that she saw this next to your desk and she figured it was meant for you, said that I should give it to you.” In my mind, I sighed a sigh of relief. It was just something I had left in Mrs. Epstein’s room. Nothing more. He still didn’t know, but then why had he followed me to show me a picture? When I unfolded the picture and looked at it, I wasn’t relieved at all. In water color there was a picture of Zack and I. I was in his arms, and he was looking happily down at me. In the background, there was the backdrop of what could be seen from the top of the Rock. My hand started to shake as I looked at him. “Is it true?” he asked. “She said you and that kid,” he pointed to Zack in the picture, “were dating. Is it true?”
“Y-yes.” It almost came out as a whisper, “We are.”
“You can’t.” Jason looked at me, straight in the eye. “You can't date him. It's...It's just not normal, not right. I'm sure Zack's a good guy, though he is gay, but you can't date him. The Bible says that it's not supposed to be that way.We are supposed to date girls. You could break up with him now. I won't tell Mom and Dad, and I'm sure God will forgive you.”
It took me almost a minute to tell it to him. “No.”
“What?” The rage that he felt was portrayed clearly on his face. “What do you mean ‘no’? Why? Why do you not want to be a child of God, free of sin? God created Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve.”
“Because,” I said. “I like lasagna.” I paused for a moment and thought about it. “No… because I love lasagna.”
“What does his cooking have to do with any thing?”
“It’s not his cooking,” I said. Jason looked at me, confused, but I refused to explain more. That was just between Zack and I.
“Fine,” he huffed, “If you want to be a sinner then go ahead. I’m giving you till Monday to tell Mom and Dad and then break up with him.”
“Alright,” I replied as I watched him sulk as he walked away, but I knew I wouldn’t.
“So,” Zack replied. I still didn’t get how he managed to get down so quietly. “Do you really love lasagna?” A grin stretched across his face from ear to ear.
“Yes.” His face got closer to mine, and I knew what was coming, but this time, I wasn’t going to pull away.
~
“Teddy bear!” It was Monday afternoon, and I was off to art. I stopped. Zack pulled me backwards and gave me a brief hug. “So, have you told your parents yet?” People began to stop and watch us, or slow down as they walked by.
“No, but I don’t care right now. I’ve got you. They’ll be mad. They’ll be furious, but I don’t care right now.”
“Oh.”
This was beginning to bother me. “Alright guys, there’s nothing to see here,” I announced to the passerby’s, “just two gay guys talking.” Zack smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek. Well, it was two gay guys just talking. God, thanks for giving me Zack.
Last edited by MidnightVampire on Fri Mar 20, 2009 4:09 am, edited 3 times in total.
I realized that I said I'd be gone for only two weeks...but I was gone for much longer.I hope to stay on this time. :)
  





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Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:23 am
Dreamwalker says...



Okay so I'm not going to go full out critic right at this moment in time, but I will definitly fully review this work when I have some time on my hands.

Okay, so basically speaking, I loved it.

I loved this bit because it was cute and potrayed and different side of things.

Although there were some things I picked up that I didn't much like, like with Jason being all 'I just got some chicks numberes' to 'You can recieve god's forgiveness!'. It just sounded so completely out of character.

Oh and the beginning where he kept jumping to and from the idea of being gay. He seemed pretty sure of himself not being gay, and complimenting another males clothing isnt exactly a gay thing to do. My friend Brad who is fully straight jokes around my saying he would like to 'tap' my brother becasue my brother is apparently a good looking guy. Doesnt mean he's gay. In story book world, yes that could have been acceptable, but I would find it much more interesting for things to be really from the guys persceptive. Like come on! They slap eachother's butt's all the time. I'm sure thinking their clothing is nice isnt the end of the world, and definitly not something to make them think they are gay.

Also, a gay male doesnt tend to bug a male who ultimately says he's straights. I guess you could call it gay-dar (radar but gay) but if the one male was uncomfortable, the gay male would back off. It's just how things are. You cant force someone to like you and especially be gay.

Of course, those little things did not take much away from this piece. I very much enjoyed that bit with the 'Two gay guys talking, nothing to see here' bit. That was very cute and very well put together. I love foreshadowing and you did quite a nice job with it. Kind of reminded me of the Kite Runner when Hassan told Amir that he would run the kite a thousand times over for him, and at the end Amir tells Sorab (Hassan's son) that he would run the kite a thousand miles over for him.

Very nice job. A few grammatical errors here and there. Just got to fix those out, really make your work shine!

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S
  





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Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:18 pm
Demeter says...



Hey, Vampire! Here as you requested, and of course I'd do this for you! You shouldn't even think I wouldn't like to :)


The bell rang and students filled the hall.


This was a bit in-your-face as an opening line. I think it would look better if it was "The bell rang. Students started to fill the hall and I pushed through them..."


I didn’t hate Zack, he and I had been buds since last year, but it was the fact that I didn’t hate him that scared me. Because, he was, well he was-


This piece is unfortunately very awkward. Also, people are automatically thinking that Zack and Ted are friends, and no one will think Ted groaned because he hated Zack. To me, it seemed all the time that he groaned because he was so surprised and a little embarrassed. Also, I've never cared much for abrupt sentence cuts, like the one you have in the end of the quote. Of course, no one cares about what I dislike, but I think you should work it smoother. And try to re-think about your phrasing here.


Well… He was gay. “Wait, what are you talking about “two gay men?” I’m straight.”

“But you won’t always be straight,” he whispered in my ear. Yes I will, I will, I will, I will always be straight.


Ted's line would be better as "Wait, what do you mean 'two gay men'? I'm straight, you know that." or something other with what Ted could assure he's straight. To put it more emphasis, you know. :) I also think the repetition in the end is a little repulsive. You could think of another way for him to swear to himself. As for the good news, I really like Zack's filrty and pushing comment here! (Though it would maybe sound smoother and flirtier if it were "But you won't always be." Nudge ;))


Stop whining you guys, I think you may actually like this one.” She waited until people stopped talking before telling us the rest of her assignment. “I want everyone in this classroom to paint me a picture that shows an emotion.”


The bolded bit is telling. We see from her second line that she is continuing telling her assignment, you don't need to tell it separately. "She waited until people stopped talking before continuing." would be better, but you decide.


1)“How’s your emotions painting going?” 2)I laughed nervously. 3)“Terrible, isn’t it?” he guessed.


You see the numbers I put in? They mark the places where you have to press 'enter'. All of these three sentences need a line of their own.


…wait, why was I noticing this?


You – I mean Ted – seem to say this quite a lot, and it's repetitive, even though they're not close to each other. I think it's a good thing that he's starting to 'slip on the other side' every once in a while, and that he tries to keep it away, but I think you should find different and more delicate ways to express it.


There was a small part of me that wanted to slap him.


Just a little typo there.


“You’re funny in the morning,” he said.


Aww! So cute!


It was true, I sleep walked, but this type of thing had never happened to me before. Let's just say that day was really…awkward.


Sleepwalked? I thought he only fell from his bed! And day? Didn't that happen at night? Also notice the bolded apostrophe I put in.


“Well, I hope [s]your[/s] you're hungry,” Zack said after he hung up, “Because Mom and Dad just bailed.” While we waited for the lasagna to cook, we talked about school, and mainly Mrs. Epstein. She had recently handed back our emotions paintings. Mine was of a regular man walking down a deserted street. His shadow on the wall, though, wasn’t as normal. Red tears dripped off of the shadow’s face. His foot was chained to a cross, which was making it harder for the shadow to move. I wasn’t really sure how the painting came to be, but I had just decided to paint that day. Mrs. Epstein had asked me what it signified. Not sure what it really meant myself, I lied and told her that “It was personal.” (How is it lying if he doesn't know the truth himself?) She handed Zack’s project back and told him “You’re welcome.” He still refused to tell me what she was talking about.


The underlined thing is quite random and unneeded, since the meaning of it didn't become clear in the end, as I thought it would. So either reveal why the teacher said that, or nix the whole thing.


By the end of two months, I was the one kissing him.


I'd actually accidentally read this bit wrong and supposed it was the end of the dinner scene when he was the one kissing Zack, and didn't think of anything else than 'Awww!' Now as I read it again, I was a little taken aback. Two months? Would it take so long for him to kiss Z back? Especially when he's already showing signs of 'breaking', if you will.


Zack and I were on top of the Rock after school one day. We often ended up going there to escape any odd looks. Jason didn’t know about me yet, about me and Zack. It was the last place I had expected him to look for me, and yet I heard him calling my name. “Wait here,” I whispered to Zack. He nodded as I left the comfort of his arms and climbed down to meet my brother. “What?” He leaned up against a rock and pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket.


I think you should expand that Jason is actually coming to the two boys, otherwise it's a little 'What? When did Jason arrive?'


You could [s]brake[/s] break up with him now.


Typo again. :)


His face got closer to mine, and I knew what was coming, but this time, I wasn’t going to pull away.


Yes!

***


Your characterization:

Was great. I don't know whether it's unrealistic for a gay to hit on a straight guy, but I loved how determined Zack was! It was just so... awwww. :) Also, Ted was pretty good, too, if a little abrupt with that 'I'm straight' thingie. Jason was a little random character, I don't know what his function in the story was. We could handle without him, I think. Not saying you should ditch Jason, though. I just didn't see any strong reasons for Jason to be here.


Your main problem:

Was the telling at some points, and some awkwardly phrased sentences. You'll grow out of it, I think, by just reading lots of different things and keeping on writing. Also, if you have any problems or questions about it, you can ask help from anyone who's purple. They should be able to help. =)


The story:

Was overall enjoyable. I especially liked how you sewed it all together by repeating that 'two gay guys' scene in the ending. It was very clever, and after reading it, my heart clapped for you. (Weirdly said. :D) I haven't read almost any 'slash' (isn't that what you call a two-sex romance?), I just haven't been very familiar with it. But your story made me want to read some more. :) After some editing and polishing, I think you have a good piece here. Thanks for the read!

See you around!


Demeter
xxx
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

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Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:05 am
Lizzard says...



MidnightVampire wrote:

The bell rang and students filled the hall. I pushed my way through them to the art room.


Too jagged and not just for an opening sentence. Try rewording it because it sounds too awkward.

MidnightVampire wrote: “Teddy bear!”
“Oh gosh, not-” My sentence was cut short as I felt arms wrap around me and press me against his chest.
“Hey Teddy bear.”
“Hey Zack.” A crowd began to form as I suppressed a groan, and Zack noticed. I didn’t hate Zack, he and I had been buds since last year, but it was the fact that I didn’t hate him scared me. Because, he was, well he was-


I LOVE the cut off there, it expresses the main character's awkwardness with the situation and how his nature is so disturbed by gay people. I'm already drawn in by this point. The only correction I would make is to what I have bolded. It, again, sounds jagged. Maybe: I felt familiar arms around me, locking me to to a hard familiar chest. Idk, by removing the word his it could make it a bit more suspenseful.


MidnightVampire wrote:I struggled out of his hug and walked into art.


Change that. Too jagged.



MidnightVampire wrote: She waited until people stopped talking before telling us the rest of the assignment.


Her assignment sounds...wrong. It modifies the subject incorrectly.

MidnightVampire wrote: I’m straight. He may not be, but I am straight.


I love the expression of the main character's internal opposition and embarrassment to homosexuality.



MidnightVampire wrote: She was extremely religious, and didn’t like him talking about girls the way he did.


There is a lot more you could have done with this and his family.



MidnightVampire wrote: How I loved Saturday.


Make that plural





MidnightVampire wrote: There wasn’t any church, and since I always procrastinated, there wasn’t really any homework. Normally, I slept in, but the phone woke me up. “Hello?” I answered groggily.


Really good internal conflict. Opposition to church. This plot is looking to turn very interesting.





MidnightVampire wrote: Wait, why was I even noticing that?


Go into detail. Explain exactly what Teddy. a.k.a nuh-uh-wanna-be-gay-boy, is thinking about in the exact moment. Just repeating the "I'm straight, I'm straight" doesn't tell your audience why he is so against calling this homosexual handsome.


MidnightVampire wrote: This was one of the reasons I liked this hike; it was really beautiful, and there wasn’t anyone from town who usually went there.


This is too formal in tone. Maybe you should replace some of the words. Maybe: That was one of the reasons I liked this hike; it was all really beautiful and there wasn't anyone from town that usually went there.



MidnightVampire wrote: “Yeah,” I replied. Zack came close behind me. I could feel his breath on my neck, his hard chest against my back, and his legs pressed up against my lower back.


I think that this would sound better if you left the part I bolded out..



MidnightVampire wrote: I imagined whirling around and slipping my hand under his- Damn it, I was gay! I mean…straight. I was straight! Straight, straight, straight, straight!


The statement "I was straight, straight straight, straight, straight! " is used too much in the story. Express exactly what Teddy is feeling.



MidnightVampire wrote: One of his arms was around my waist as if I was a teddy bear-which I wasn’t, despite the nickname- and his hand had crawled under the shirt I was borrowing from him.




MidnightVampire wrote: Then I remembered how good the breakfast he had cooked me when I had been at his house was.


Confundaling (yes, I make up my own words!) wording. Maybe you should try to reword it.


MidnightVampire wrote: Jason didn’t know about me yet, about me and Zack.


This sounds off. Maybe: Jason didn't know about Zack and I yet (that would have sounded better) or Jason didn't know about me yet, he didn't know about Zack and I.


MidnightVampire wrote: “Because,” I said. “I like lasagna.” I paused for a moment and thought about it. “No… because I love lasagna.”


Win them with the cuteness.

You're story was wonderful and gripping. I really enjoyed it and this couple. There were only a few minor problems with it. Your wording in certain areas would have been confusing to the audience. Your plot, i think, could have gone much farther than you took it. But for a short story it was good. Jason and Teddy's characterization could be stronger.

I really enjoyed your piece. *applause* Thanks for being my first review.
"It means I want to see you happy! You piss me off! You make laugh! You're annoying as hell! I never want you to change!.. Okay that's a lie, I want you to change a little! And I want to know you always! For the rest of my life!" (Fake ID)
  





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Fri Mar 20, 2009 11:25 pm
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MidnightVampire says...



You guys are amazing! Thanks for the reviews. I've made changes. I stil have a couple more changes to make, because I just got what some of them ment (I was confused and tired)...so yeah! Thanks guys!
~MV
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Sat Mar 21, 2009 2:38 am
marnie.grace says...



This a going to be really late but I love this story so I though I mite review.

They are only simple and theres only a few but they still might help, if you haven't done the changes already.

1. “Go ahead,” I sighed. I tuned out the rest of his one-sided conversation about how all the girls were amazingly hot, as in volcano hot. Of course, he didn’t tell me any of the girl’s names. Figures that he wouldn’t remember that sort of thing. Just then, Mom walked in, and Jason quickly stopped talking. My brother and I tended to censor our talk around Mom. She was extremely religious, and didn’t like him talking about girls the way he did. Disrespectful, she called it. Jason was really religious too, but that doesn’t stop him from talking like that. I guess Dad was religious as well, but he didn’t care how we talked about girls.
-I noticed a lot of paragraphs like these go for a while. You need to break them down a little, for the reader. Mainly because between '"Go ahead," I signed' and 'I tuned out the rest of his one-sided conversation about how all the girls were amazingly hot, as in volcano hot. Of course, he didn’t tell me any of the girl’s names. Figures that he wouldn’t remember that sort of thing' It actually hasn't got any thing to do with eihter what he said or what he did, like sign. So start a new line between the two.

2. 'Of course, he didn’t tell me any of the girl’s names. Figures that he wouldn’t remember that sort of thing. Just then, Mom walked in, and Jason quickly stopped talking. My brother and I tended to censor our talk around Mom. She was extremely religious, and didn’t like him talking about girls the way he did. Disrespectful, she called it. Jason was really religious too, but that doesn’t stop him from talking like that. I guess Dad was religious as well, but he didn’t care how we talked about girls.'
- again, it just a little to long. Break it down by starting a new line between sentences that start talking about something different.

3. 'The next day it was Saturday'
-this doesn't really flow. Try re-writing it like, the next day was a Saturday or The next day was Staurday

4. 'Normally, I slept in, but the phone woke me up'
-this one doesn't really matter but I thought that it mite flow more it you try re-writing it like, Normally I would sleep in, but the phone woke me up. But again it up to you weather or not you wish to change it.

5. '“Bring your cell phone.” Most parents probably didn’t have to remind their kids to turn on their cell phone and bring it with them, but I’d never really gotten the hang of that. I’d missed so many calls from my parents, friends, and girlfriends. Well, I hadn’t gone out with a girl in two years, but it still counted. I threw random things in my backpack for the next twenty minutes: oil pastels, pencils, erasers, my notebook, and other things. When I finished getting dressed, the doorbell rang. I grabbed my backpack and left'
- the same as most. Too long, try to break it down.

So that was pretty much it. Love your writing, keep it up!
  





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Sun Mar 22, 2009 9:36 pm
Clo says...



Hey MidnightVamp!

---

Well… He was gay. “Wait, what do you mean 'two gay men'? I'm straight, you know that.”

Ellipses! Bah! ^_^ I think they destroy good sentences. See, wouldn't this look so much better as: "Well, he was gay" or even, "Well. He was gay."

“But you won’t always be,” he whispered in my ear. Yes I will, I have to be, will not be gay.

This whispering seems a bit creepy, unsettling, making this guy off to be almost villain-y. And I suggest a period later on in the sentence: "Yes, I will. I have to be. I will not be gay."

I was surprised that the assignment was normal. She had given us many crazy assignments in the past, and this one was perhaps the most normal one yet. Maybe the principal was threatening to fire her. I wouldn’t be surprised.

This sort of means nothing to us, unless you give us an example of the craziness. A really quick one, nothing too in-depth.

“Have you had breakfast?” I was going to lie and say yes, but my stomach growled loudly.
“No.”

Er, when did it become morning? I didn't sense any apparent transition in time. Perhaps make that more obvious. I remember him saying the next day was Saturday, but I thought that was musing about the coming day.

Wait, why was I even noticing that? I was straight! Straight! I should not have been noticing how a guy dressed and how good he looked and

Well, HOW was he good looking, how was he dressed? You mention him being dressed different, and then sprint off into these panicked thoughts before the reader has any idea on exactly how this individual is dressed any different than usual. Or why he would dress different, or anything.

I wanted to tell Zack how he shouldn’t call me that, [s]because people were going to think that I was gay[/s], but I needed his help badly.

I think we can understand that without you having to tell us -- remove it to take away some of the tell-y tone of this piece.

The more we hung out the next few weeks, and the less he did things like that, the more I began to trust him again. After two weeks, I wasn’t afraid of anything happening. The worst he had done was call me embarrassing names. After school Thursday, I got a call from him.

Whoa, quick transition! DESCRIBE more in here. How is he feeling? What motions does he go through? Your transitions seem to happen so fast, and I have to backtrack to get a grip on what just happened in the story. You can use breaks in the paragraphs to create a plot pause for a time transition as well, and those work more effectively than this.

This was beginning to bother me. “Alright guys, there’s nothing to see here,” I announced to the passerby’s, “just two gay guys talking.” Zack smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek. Well, it was two gay guys just talking. God, thanks for giving me Zack.

Hehe, that's cute.

---

This was a very cute and well-written story, albeit possessing a few issues. So, I enjoyed reading the story, but let's address a problem:

Chemistry
You have a lot of actions that happen between Zach and Ted, telling us why they get along well together romantically, but there's not a lot of you showing the reader how they are romantically attracted. Why, from the get-go, does Zach pounce on Ted, even though he avows he is straight? I don't understand why he is so attracted to him, enough to be so bold to risk their friendship by openly pursuing him in public. What makes him that bold? Let us get a sense on how close they are as friends, because we don't to really glimpse any of their friendship outside of Ted freaking out on whether he is a homosexual or not. How did they get close? What made it okay for Zach to openly pursue Ted?

And what feelings does Ted have for Zach, altering from friendship to romance? You tell us how how he feels, but I don't sense a lot of actual FEELINGS of romance and attraction. Yes, he sees the muscles on Zach's arm. Detail the attraction. The feelings inside of him, so the chemistry is more apparent, and their relationship has more of a foundation -- even the friendship seems to lack an overall explanation.

We need to understand what Ted is feeling more, beyond "I'm straight! I'm gay!" Bring us into his head, so we can be shown his thoughts.

Other than that, enjoyable story! Just needs some editing.

PM me if you have questions!

~ Clo
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Tue Mar 24, 2009 7:28 pm
Mars says...



Hi! I'm so sorry this took so long, but here goes!

Mrs. Epstein had asked me what it signified. Not sure what it really meant myself, I told her that “it was personal.”

Small typo. ;-)

Oh! This was cute. So cute. However. There were two things that actually bothered me.

I. The part at the beginning, when Zack is chasing relentlessly after Ted. Obviously, Zack knows Teddy well enough to know that there's a chance they'll be together. But...to completely out Teddy in the middle of the hallway? That's just not cool. You know? Because figuring out one's sexuality, especially when your parents are against homosexuality, is a very personal and difficult thing. And for Zack to make a joke about it and say "just two gay guys talking" seems to me to be pretty heartless. It makes me not like Zack. Do you know what I mean? And it's so cute at the end when you tie it back in, when Teddy says the same thing, but...ugh. I hated Zack right then, because Teddy's going through this horribly confusing experience and Zack's just fooling around about it, and Zack went through the same thing, so you'd think he'd be more understanding and caring and like, "take your time, I'll be waiting" and...yeah.

II. I wish we could know about the part when he tells his parents. The ending seems definite, so I assume you're not continuing this, but it also feels a bit unfinished, knowing that he'll have to tell them and not knowing what happens. Does Jason forgive him? Do his parents disown him to live with a tribe of gypsies, travelling the green hills of Scotland? You know.

That might just be personal preference, and my wanting more of a good story, but it's an idea. :)

Good luck, and keep writing!
-Mars
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Fri Mar 27, 2009 6:08 pm
AceWolf says...



Hey! I'm new here, I'm AceWolf. I'm an author from another site called Yiffstar.com. I'm pretty sure your stories would be put high up on a pedistle on that site. We love homosexual stories on that site so you'll fit right in. I liked how you wrote this story and I found a few mistakes but no big deal.

If you wanna know more about Yiffstar.com, please send me an email at Blackace7@live.com or PM me amd i'll be very happy to answer all of your questions. TTYL!! ^.^
  





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Sat Mar 28, 2009 6:54 am
RoryLegend says...



God created Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve.

I don't know if that was meant to be funny but I pretty much died laughing when I read that. It was great. I totally don't agree with the meaning behind it and what Jason was trying to say, God just wants people to be happy, but that was fan freakin tastic.

I really liked this piece, I didn't think I would at first, but that is just because some of the grammar and wording at the begining need to be rearranged. There is a whole paragraphy that needs to be separated. But I'm pretty sure everyone else has touched on that and I am terrible at grammar. My advice is read it out loud to yourself and use word haha.

The characters were good but you could have gone into wayy more detail. Given us descriptions of who they were and like how they look. I sort of get them on a small level but I want to understand them a lot better. I feel like I understand his brother Jason, more than I understand Zack.

I like the story line, I hope you write more. You could expand on the idea of his parents and brother disowning him or like what happens to them after they graduate. I would love to read more about them both. This story really drew me in and made me sad when it ended!

-Rory
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Tue May 19, 2009 4:50 pm
Dr. Who says...



Ok, I'm not goignt to full out critic you right now. I just wanted to give you some encouragement. I really liked the way you made Zach all flirty. The ending caught me by suprise! I'll be waiting for a sequel!
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Wed May 20, 2009 1:14 am
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Absynthe says...



:elephant: :smt026 :smt044 YAYS FOR GAYS AND CHEERS FOR QUEERS!!!!! :smt044 :smt026 :elephant:

lol

I re-read your piece, and i'm still enchanted by it. You're so bold to go into such a rather... obscure topic. Not many people our age are brave and creative enough to go into a homosexual topic for a story like you! Yeah, i may have just one character in one story that is gay (Paxton rules!!) but i tend to tiptoe around the topic. I may have Paxton bluntly ask for Felix, make Paxton stalk and tease poor Felix, and i even have a scene where Paxton pounces on Felix and kisses him -then promptly gets his butt kicked all over the place-, but i never really directly approach the topic.

You're so bold and gifted, but i have the feeling that you're still kind of embarassed about going into detail and developing this masterpiece. WHO CARES ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK!!!?!?! i really REALLY hope you start belting out this story with no heisatations and just let it write itself. You just need to throw away all of the embarrassing boundries (not in a pervy way, mind you!) to let you and your story go into their full potential.

Zack and Teddy are such a cute couple! :smt060 XD! this story is just adorable! You really need to add the six flags piece, with Zack winning a real teddy bear and Teddy getting all irritated by the comparison.

Also, a gay male doesnt tend to bug a male who ultimately says he's straights. I guess you could call it gay-dar (radar but gay) but if the one male was uncomfortable, the gay male would back off. It's just how things are. You cant force someone to like you and especially be gay.


haha, i disagree. My take on why Zack is so persistant is the same with my homosexual Character, Paxton. Paxton knows that there aren't very many other gay men out there, so when he targets a boy that he thinks could possibly be shifted to the homosexual alignment, he is even more persistant than a leech! And in my story, he succeeds eventually with his first target -not Felix, sarah & claire :smt040 -

If i was a guy, i would end up being gay :oops: , lol. I like boys too much. :smt118
Why did you hit me?" he groaned groggily, blinking like an owl.

"Why are you in my bed!?" I countered, wriggling in embarrassment.
  





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Wed May 20, 2009 1:49 am
LovelessSummer says...



Hi! Miss Summer Night at your service!

First of all I'd like to say that I really enjoyed reading your story and I hope you write more.

I really like the way you wrote about gays!!! I wrote well write about gays mostly. I was afraid to put it up or let anyone read it because most people act homo-phobic!! Yeah well keep writing and the only thing I found wrong is a couple of spelling errors, but hey, we all make them. Don't we?
LoVeLeSs I review short stories and novels.

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Wed May 20, 2009 6:47 pm
crazyforyou says...



MidnightVampire wrote:My shirt dropped from my hands and I hastily bent down to pick it up. Quickly, I put it on, failing to notice that it was backwards and inside out.
“You’re funny in the morning,” he said.

Zack’s parents were both already at work, and he was the only child. We were the only ones in the house. He led me into the empty kitchen. “You can have anything you want for breakfast.”
“I-I’d rather not. This is your house. What do you want?”
“You” he responded, making me laugh nervously.


okay i loveeeeeeed it. it was sooo good. i want another chapter!! or sequal orrr whatever. :) but the lines above i thought were weird. i felt lke you skipped something. maybe go back and add something, that reveals more about his feelings of why zack flirts with him so much. ya know? :)
keep writing though, it was EXCELLENT!
  





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Wed May 20, 2009 11:03 pm
MidnightVampire says...



Yikes! Man, you guys all reviewed on this at the same time almost! I actually do have a homo-phobic friend,and she's wanted to read this (she has no clue what its about), so I know what you mean. The only people in my family who would care that I write this stuff would be my dad and his side of the family. : )

I am thinking about making a little short with Zack's childhood and I'm making one right now where they end up going to elitches. Absynthe- I can easily imagine Paxton (with little cat ears for some reason) pouncing on Felix. Hysterical.

Thanks so much! You guys are amazing! I'll try to be less shy
~MV
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Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
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