Young Writers Society

A/N: You don't really need to read the prologue to understand this, but if anyone wants to read it, it can be found here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic44939.html. Let the story begin!

The man who approached the counter hid his face behind a black scarf. His unique attire indicated that he was a cutthroat. Joriah stood tentatively at the back of the shop,watching the cutthroat move agilely toward him. Instinctively, Joriah touched the old pistol he wore at his belt. It gave him a sense of safety. A look of terror grew over his face. The cutthroat's intimidating, slow stride accompanied him to the counter.
“You are Joriah, are you not?” he said, rather than asked.
“Indeed.” There was no point in denying it.
“I hope, for more your sake than mine, that you have managed to acquire the article.”
“Have you brought my pay?” Joriah responded boldly.
“My employer will deliver it upon receiving the goods,” the cutthroat said.
“Well,” Joriah said, “kindly tell him that I will deliver his goods upon receiving the money.” The silence that followed his words subtly hardened the air.
“My employer was afraid you would say this,” the cutthroat said. “If this were to be your response, I was commanded to be a little more persuasive.” A knife materialized in the cutthroat's fingers.

Joriah's eyes locked on the knife. He slipped his hand into his belt, withdrawing a handgun.
“Well,” Joriah said, “I would have expected your esteemed master to have sent someone with a little more sense than to bring a knife to a gunfight.” He brought his gun up to face the cutthroat's forehead. “You can tell your master to take his head, and shove it up his...” Before he could complete his sentence, he felt a force hit the side of his hand. Joriah succeeded in firing two bullets before the gun was knocked completely out of his hand. Both of them went astray. The sound of glass breaking echoed from the opposite side of the store.

In a flurry of movements, the cutthroat had flipped over, landing behind Joriah. Joriah made as if to turn around, but the cold touch of metal on his neck stopped him. He let out a small gulp.
“Do I need to be any more persuasive than this?” the cut throat said.
“If you kill me, you'll never get it,” Joriah responded. He sounded desperate.
“I warn you now, Joriah,” the cutthroat's voice became aggressive. “You don't want to tempt me.”
“Go on. Kill me.”

The cutthroat flung Joriah into the counter and pressed his face down onto its surface. He forced one of Joriah's hands behind his back, and touched his blade to Joriah's little finger.
“I've got a better idea,” the cutthroat said. “How about I cut off one of your fingers every minute until you tell me where it is? And for each lie, I cut off another finger. How does that sound?”
“It's in the drawer labeled '3',” Joriah managed to say through several squeals of agony. His gritted teeth slowly relaxed together with the cutthroat's grip on his arm.

“Lead me to the drawer,” the cutthroat commanded. “Any attempt at sudden movement, and I swear to the creator that you will lose one of your precious fingers.” He followed Joriah, not relinquishing his grip on Joriah's wrist. He didn't seem to feel it necessary to remove the blade from Joriah's little finger.

Joriah slid the drawer open, and with his free hand retrieved a small velvet bag. Its violet color was tainted by only the golden emblem emblazoned on its front. The cutthroat snatched it from his hand, turned around without another word, and in a single leap, jumped over the counter to leave the store. As he reached the door of the shop, he drew out a silenced pistol. His single shot pierced Joriah's forehead between his eyes.

I would slow down just a bit and be more descriptive of the shop what was the cut throat wearing that labels him? Was their a design on the gold seal? How big was the bag? Make it so the readers can imagine the store clearly.




Nice storyline

Hey, this is really good! Particularly, the title drew me in. The dialogue flowed very well between characters, I didn't feel like any of it was forced, which is something I notice a lot of writers seem to have trouble with.

This Joriah character makes me laugh, and for some strange, unfathomable reason, I find the cutthroat to be funny, too. Odd, huh?

The only thing I have to criticize would be a little more description. Was the cutthroat's entire face hidden behind the scarf? Or just his mouth and nose? That's what I pictured.

Also, you said they were in a shop. Was this shop full of people, or was it deserted? That's something that's pretty important because if there were guys with guns inside a public shop, everyone would hit the deck, or someone would be brave enough to call the cops. That's the main thing that I strongly advise you shed more light on.

Another thing:

Its violet color was tainted by only the golden emblem emblazoned on its front.

I don't see "tainted" being used here. Generally, tainted means to pollute, stain, infect. I do understand what you were trying to say, though. Here's what I would write: "The flow of the violet color was interrupted by the gold of the emblem emblazoned on the front." That's just a suggestion, though. But I would take my advice and take out "tainted".

So, all in all, I really liked this. If there's ever more, I'd like to read it. I wanna know what's inside that bag. PM me if you put up the next chapter. Don't forget, got it?

Ciao, keep dreamin'

Dream.

First off, I wish to say that you have a great title, in drew me in almost immediately. I like the idea you have come up with so far, very flowing.

A few problems I found follow as such, edits in bold:

He followed Joriah, not relinquishing his grip on Joriah's wrist. He didn't seem to feel it necessary to remove the blade from Joriah's little finger.

The use of to is unnecessary here, and it breaks the flow a little. I would suggest instead "He didn't deem it necessary to remove the blade from Joriahs little finger."

His single shot pierced Joriah's forehead between his eyes.

I personally found the word single to be useless here, and it might sound better without that word.

In a flurry of movements, the cutthroat had flipped over, landing behind Joriah. Joriah made as if to turn around, but the cold touch of metal on his neck stopped him. He let out a small gulp.

I guess I found this a bit cliche', why is your cutthroat superman? I imagined him as a big guy, muscled and fearsome. Not someone capable of flipping over peoples heads. Try describing him a little more so we can see what he is like.

The sound of glass breaking echoed from the opposite side of the store.

Why does it echo? How big is this store? Describe it to us some more so we get a feel for it.

His unique attire indicated that he was a cutthroat

As stated before, try describing him more, I don't think that a black scarf is necessarily unique attire.


Overall good job though, I will be looking for part two whenever it arrives!

Hey Matthemus, Rubin, and Dreamworx

Thanks so much for the reviews!

It seems that the biggest complaint here is my lack of description of setting and characters. So, with that in mind, I'm going to describe the cutthroat a little more. You should be seeing the setting in the first part of the next chapter. There is a reason I left it out here.

And Dreamworx, the fact that you found my characters funny is likely due to their competitive aggressiveness. Or maybe it is just you. :p

A look of terror grew over his face.

Why does he suddenly become frightened?

The cutthroat's intimidating, slow stride accompanied him to the counter.

"Accompanied" doesn't seem like the right word in this sentence.

Joriah's eyes locked on the knife.

"Onto" instead of "on" could make the sentence sound better.

“Go on. Kill me.”

Who's saying this - the cutthroat or Joriah? It is hard to tell at first.

He didn't seem to feel it necessary to remove the blade from Joriah's little finger.

You don't need to say it was the little finger because you already said that.


Your story is good. The only thing that could be better is description, and you already know that. I would like to read more of your writing.

The cutthroat's intimidating, slow stride accompanied him to the counter.

Accompanied? It sounds almost like the cutthroat's stride is walking next to him. I don't think accompanied is the proper word here.

“Well,” Joriah said, “kindly tell him that I will deliver his goods upon receiving the money.” The silence that followed his words subtly hardened the air.

How can you harden the air? I know you are trying to turn a new spin on tension in the air, but I don't think this works. Harden sounds awkward. Perhaps you could say something about friction being added to the atmosphere. Idk, something like that.

He let out a small gulp.

I don't think a gulp is something audible enough to be "let out".

“Do I need to be any more persuasive than this?” the cut throat said.

The whole story you have the cutthroat with his name spelled like that, but here you have a space in between cut and throat. You need to keep this consistent.

“I've got a better idea,” the cutthroat said. “How about I cut off one of your fingers every minute until you tell me where it is? And for each lie, I cut off another finger. How does that sound?”

“It's in the drawer labeled '3',” Joriah managed to say through several squeals of agony. His gritted teeth slowly relaxed together with the cutthroat's grip on his arm.

Just the paragraph before this, Joriah seems fearless in the face of death. He is egging the cutthroat on to go ahead and kill him. And now he is all of a sudden afraid of losing his little finger. It doesn't match up.

His single shot pierced Joriah's forehead between his eyes.

I loved the ending, it is awesome.

Characters: The only thing that I didn't understand was why you had this chapter from Joriah's perspective if you are going to kill him off. It doesn't give the reader much time to develop a relationship with him and thus being more shocked when he dies. But that is up to you. Perhaps you could put in more description of his appearance and let us see someof his innermost thoughts when this cutthroat comes on the scene.

Overall: I think this chapter was great. I liked all of the twists and intrigue. The ending was fantastic, I liked the struggle between the two men, and the mystery behind the article that is worth murdering someone for. Very interesting. I really liked it, I think it is very good and really doesn't need that much improvement. I can't wait to read more. Good job.

Hi,
WOW! This was really good, better than the prologue. I adored the way you wrote all the action, although I agree with RubinLikes2Write. You could add some more description to balance it out. But not too much. You have a really good plot here, with the writing skill to go with it! Bravo! xD. Keep writing!

Here, as requested.

His unique attire indicated that he was a cutthroat.

Unique attire meaning simply the scarf? Or something else also? And the scarf wouldn’t really be enough to indicate he’s a cutthroat.

A look of terror grew over his face.

Describe it to us. “His eyes widened in terror.” “His mouth was a gaping hole of terror.” “His entire frame shook with terror.”

“You are Joriah, are you not?” he said, rather than asked.

“Rather than asked”: if that’s the case, take out the “are you not” and the question mark.

Before he could complete his sentence, he felt a force hit the side of his hand. Joriah succeeded in firing two bullets before the gun was knocked completely out of his hand.

You could add a little more detail to your description of what happens here.


Joriah seems to be the focus of this scene; even those he’s dead by the end of it, we should be able to relate to him, or at least see into his head a little more. How is he feeling? You mention once that he’s terrified. How does he act as a result? Are his hands shaking as he pulls the gun? Does he stutter? Is he trying to hide his fear, or not bothering? What is it about the man that makes him afraid, and what does he try to draw confidence from?
I think someone else suggested describing the cutthroat here, but I think (besides clearing up that first sentence) it’s more important to give enough detail to Joriah. Obviously he’s not important; he’s gone within the first scene. But we still have to care; like or dislike, we have to feel something.

This is a very short scene. For what happens in that amount of time, one would expect something action-packed, which this is… sort of. What I noticed is that it gave me no emotions. I didn’t care what happened to either of the people, it didn’t make me wonder what the item was, I felt no suspense, no tenseness. I didn’t care why he killed Joriah, or who his master was, or where they were.
One thing I would do is describe where they were in a subtle enough fashion to hint as to the type of place it was. Hint as to what the object is, and what trouble Joriah went through to get it, or why it wasn’t trouble for him to get it, if that were the case. Give us hints, but not answers.
This is the beginning of your story, the hook. It’s very important to draw your readers in. You have a scene with action: good. It’s a lead. But it should leave us with questions that we have to know the answer to; it should leave us in suspense, which it does and it doesn’t. Somehow you need to: capture the emotion of the thing and get it through to your readers, hint at things without revealing what they are, and make us feel sorry for Joriah, or impressed by, or disgusted with, or something.

Keep working. =)

And Dreamworx, the fact that you found my characters funny is likely due to their competitive aggressiveness. Or maybe it is just you. :p

Eh, who knows? Maybe I am just weird like that.

Hiya! Here as requested!

Joriah stood tentatively at the back of the shop,watching the cutthroat move agilely toward him.

The first time I read this, I thought Joriah was far away from the counter. Perhaps mention he's in a store-room? ^_^

The cutthroat's intimidating, slow stride accompanied him to the counter.

How could it accompany him? Doesn't that mean that Joriah was escorted to the counter? Tell us the meaning please!

“You are Joriah, are you not?” he said, rather than asked.

Ask yourself this: If he said it, would there be a question mark there?

“Indeed.” There was no point in denying it.

Why was there no point?

“Well,” Joriah said, “kindly tell him that I will deliver his goods upon receiving the money.”

Capitalize "K" in "kindly" and replace the comma after "said" with a period. ^_^

He slipped his hand into his belt, withdrawing a handgun.

Since we know he has a gun already, you can replace "a" with "the" to make it more important. Unless he has more guns hidden on his person somewhere, which is what "a handgun" implies.

“Well,” Joriah said, “I would have expected your esteemed master to have sent someone with a little more sense than to bring a knife to a gunfight.”

Hmm, I don't know how much I like both of Joriah's bits of dialogue starting with "well." Even though people speak like that in real life, it can get flat in fiction.

Before he could complete his sentence, he felt a force hit the side of his hand. Joriah succeeded in firing two bullets before the gun was knocked completely out of his hand.

"Hand" here is repeated twice in two sentences, almost right on top of each other. Re-work this so it's a bit less repetitive. ^_^

The sound of glass breaking echoed from the opposite side of the store.

Hmm, you mention the breaking glass here, but I see no mention of it anywhere else. Why does glass break in the first place?

In a flurry of movements, the cutthroat had flipped over, landing behind Joriah.

Please mention that he flipped over the counter so we know the cutthroat didn't simply do a flip.

the cut throat said.

Before this, you had put "cut-throat" as one word. Here, there is a space between them. Pick one for consistency. ^_^

“If you kill me, you'll never get it,” Joriah responded. He sounded desperate.

Instead of telling us he sounded desperate, why not show us with some physical reactions? Maybe add the feeling of fear-sweat between his shoulder blades, his mind shutting down from paralysis, ect. Put them before the dialogue (on the same line), too, so we know how to read it. ^_^

“It's in the drawer labeled '3',” Joriah managed to say through several squeals of agony. His gritted teeth slowly relaxed together with the cutthroat's grip on his arm.

~ So, your tags here are such that you need to read the dialogue over again to find out how things are said. Play around with putting tags in front of your dialogue instead of after so the physical reactions dictate how things are said. ^_^

~ It's hard to understand what you mean with the second line. Is Joriah getting used to the cutthroat's grip? Is the cutthroat's grip relaxing? Are his teeth beginning to crack? Expand on this description please, so we know what the situation is.

“Any attempt at sudden movement, and I swear to the creator that you will lose one of your precious fingers.”

"Creator" should be capitalized, since it's the god of the land. Ie- It's a proper noun.

he drew out a silenced pistol.

How is a "silenced pistol" different from a normal pistol? Was that the gun Joriah had before? Expand on this description, so we know what this gun is, how it got there, ect.

His single shot pierced Joriah's forehead between his eyes.

This is either an amazing cliff-hanger, or an end to the story. Since we think Joriah is the MC, him dieing is a bit odd. However, since you don't actually say he dies there is a cliff-hanger element, but, I'm not that crazy about the way this is ended.

~

Description: Thin. Very thin. We don't know what kind of shop this is, what the character's movements are, basic physical sensations and thoughts. Since it doesn't look like Joriah is going to show up again you don't have much room for thoughts, but everything else you can add stuff in. Is the shop a magic shop? A weapon shop? A convinence store? Add in just a bit more information on that shop so we at least know what it is.

Also, you make references to some items and don't elabourate. Like the handguns. Are they top-of-the-line? Midrange? Herilooms? Has that handgun ever failed Joriah before? Why is it "instinctive" that he reaches for it?

Tags: I only pointed it out twice, but tags after dialogue consistentnly dive me a little nuts. Not only do they have an overuse of "said" and words like it, but they also take away any chance you have of putting in nuances for characters. For example: Does Joriah lift his chin to make himself look impressive when he asks for the money? How about how he stands when he issues that bold threat? You could add that in with just a handful of action tags.

Emotion: You don't really have any emotion in here. Everything is instinctual or the emotion is simply left out. How does Joriah feel when he's pinned? How about when he's forced to get the article before he gets his money? Joriah is the viewpoint character for this chapter. Make sure we can relate to him and want to keep reading! Even though he seems to die at the end, this scene is too involved with the characters not to have some emotion in it. Really, without character relation, readers won't stick with your story.

Feel: In all honesty, this reads as a prologue. All the overall points I've mentioned above make this feel like a prologue. The lack of emotion and description, along with the (supposed) MC's death... it all points to a pretty good prologue. And, yes, this is pretty good. It's just missing some stuff that would make it a good chapter one.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

nineteen
Hello there, yrclever. I must say that I found this rather enjoyable, although I do have my requests and ideas of what to fix. Anyway, I've done a line by line critique, and I do not do this to fix grammar and such, I merely do it to comment on individual lines, and then I have given you a small critique at the end. Now;

Let us start with the title, or perhaps, perhaps we should end with the title, or perhaps we should talk of the title before and after so as to expand my opinion upon it, and see if it succumbed to what I expected of it.

Dreams of Giants This is certainly an interesting one. We first question whether dreams of giants is implying that someone is dreaming of giants, ie I am having dreams of giants, or if you are implying that the giants are the ones doing the dreaming and that this piece is about the dreams. Somehow the title drew me to think of the 'Standing on the shoulders of giants...' quote. Contrary to the way I usually take things I thought of this quite literally today and have no idea as to why I did so, but I did. So, taking into account that I'm taking this quote literally this made me think of someone standing upon the giants' shoulders dreaming of the giants' dreams. That was confusing, but basically I'm thinking of a philosopher standing upon the giant pondering whether the giant is doing the same, the same being the pondering, not the pondering whether the giant is doing the same. Right, I think I should get on to this piece before I confuse you more.

The man who approached the counter hid his face behind a black scarf.

Now, as a first sentence this is fine, but it's a tad bland. You don't set an air of anything about this story and you don't really interest me. Basically you're using two actions in the first sentence, you're telling us that the man moved up to the counter and that he hid his face, rather you need none of these. You set about this much too many descriptions &c. I've always found substituting 'the man', for 'he,' adds much more layers of interesting-ness to your story. It sets about the character an air of uncertainty, a hazy character, one that we therefore want to know more of, hence our reading on. Furthermore you need to elaborate upon this 'black scarf', that comment you may deem quite contrary to the ones previously mentioned about having too much description, but it's not really too much description, more of the wrong type. You need to make this sentence better, and really it's up to you to revise it.

His unique attire indicated that he was a cutthroat.

Really? Is not that to stereotype to an extent that even society would look down on? We can't really judge people by their clothes &c. He has a scarf over his face, that could be a mere religious belief or maybe, slightly less believable, he has not confidence in his appearence enough to reveal himself <that being from television of course as opposed to my personal opinion.

Joriah stood tentatively at the back of the shop,watching the cutthroat move agilely toward him.

I despise stereotypes and so I find this stereotyping rather annoying. Perhaps instead of saying his unique attire indicated you could say that it conveyed something that was true, so that we're not completely reliant upon stereotypes. If you are so reliant upon stereotypes this is going to be a rather cliched, uninteresting story.

Instinctively, Joriah touched the old pistol he wore at his belt. It gave him a sense of safety.

No, it doesn't really, does it? You need to elaborate upon this, it doesn't give him a sense of safety, it gives him fake belief that he is not in danger, yet he is, for if he feels the need to possess a gun in order to protect himself he's not really emotionally protected, so to speak, as he feels the need to own a gun. If that makes sense.

A look of terror grew over his face. The cutthroat's intimidating, slow stride accompanied him to the counter.

If Joriah deems this man a cutthroat from the beginning why is it only now that he feels fear? In this situation would not you feel scared at the very sight of him? Most would run at the sight of him, but you stand, watching him, not at all bothered and then suddenly you're terrified? This is another example of a place where you need to elaborate, we can't simply be told this, you need to expand upon the reasoning for the sudden abrupt mood change, so abrupt that it completely changes his mood.

“You are Joriah, are you not?” he said, rather than asked.

If he said it rather than questioning him there's no need for a question mark, also the phrasing is slightly strange. A simple he stated would work just as well. Your main problem is that you're elaborating upon the wrong parts, and the parts that need to be elaborated are being ignored.

“Indeed.” There was no point in denying it.

Maybe there was no point in denying it, but would not there be point in running? Or was he feeling the need to face up to this person for fear of being killed if he ran, if so please tell us that. Elaborate, elaborate, elaborate.

“I hope, for more your sake than mine, that you have managed to acquire the article.”

“Have you brought my pay?” Joriah responded boldly.

So Joriah always knew that the cutthroat was a cutthroat? If so why did you have him seemingly judging him by his clothes?

“My employer will deliver it upon receiving the goods,” the cutthroat said.

Joriah was scared of the cutthroat earlier, implying that the cutthroat was superior to Joriah, yet now we are told of the cutthroat having a boss, which kind of disrupts the hierarchical feeling you had between the cutthroat and Joriah.

“Well,” Joriah said, “kindly tell him that I will deliver his goods upon receiving the money.” The silence that followed his words subtly hardened the air.

Subtly hardened? Lol, I rather like that expression. I was going to complain of it being rather strange but I find it somewhat hilarious and so suggest that you leave it. xD

“My employer was afraid you would say this,” the cutthroat said. “If this were to be your response, I was commanded to be a little more persuasive.” A knife materialized in the cutthroat's fingers.

I assume you mean materialized in the sense of appearing out of nowhere as opposed to the becoming material from being a ghost or such, yes? I think the word seems a little placed, as though to show off your vocabulary or an abusive session with the thesaurus.

Joriah's eyes locked on the knife. He slipped his hand into his belt, withdrawing a handgun.

This is fine, but again you could elaborate upon this and perhaps add some imagery.

“Well,” Joriah said, “I would have expected your esteemed master to have sent someone with a little more sense than to bring a knife to a gunfight.” He brought his gun up to face the cutthroat's forehead. “You can tell your master to take his head, and shove it up his...” Before he could complete his sentence, he felt a force hit the side of his hand. Joriah succeeded in firing two bullets before the gun was knocked completely out of his hand. Both of them went astray. The sound of glass breaking echoed from the opposite side of the store.


In a flurry of movements, the cutthroat had flipped over, landing behind Joriah. Joriah made as if to turn around, but the cold touch of metal on his neck stopped him. He let out a small gulp.

“Do I need to be any more persuasive than this?” the cut throat said.

“If you kill me, you'll never get it,” Joriah responded. He sounded desperate.

“I warn you now, Joriah,” the cutthroat's voice became aggressive. “You don't want to tempt me.”

“Go on. Kill me.”


The cutthroat flung Joriah into the counter and pressed his face down onto its surface. He forced one of Joriah's hands behind his back, and touched his blade to Joriah's little finger.

“I've got a better idea,” the cutthroat said. “How about I cut off one of your fingers every minute until you tell me where it is? And for each lie, I cut off another finger. How does that sound?”

“It's in the drawer labeled '3',” Joriah managed to say through several squeals of agony. His gritted teeth slowly relaxed together with the cutthroat's grip on his arm.

Hm... Joriah seemed rather strong, but now he has given in, again, this really needs elaboration.

“Lead me to the drawer,” the cutthroat commanded. “Any attempt at sudden movement, and I swear to the creator that you will lose one of your precious fingers.” He followed Joriah, not relinquishing his grip on Joriah's wrist. He didn't seem to feel it necessary to remove the blade from Joriah's little finger.


Joriah slid the drawer open, and with his free hand retrieved a small velvet bag. Its violet color was tainted by only the golden emblem emblazoned on its front. The cutthroat snatched it from his hand, turned around without another word, and in a single leap, jumped over the counter to leave the store. As he reached the door of the shop, he drew out a silenced pistol. His single shot pierced Joriah's forehead between his eyes

I'm not too sure about this piece, I'm not a fan to be honest. However, that said, this does have potential, you should elaborate upon it.
Elaboration - complex: having many different parts or a lot of detail, and organized in a complicated way
an elaborate system

2. finely or richly decorated: made with a lot of intricate detail or extravagant ornamentation
an elaborate headdress

3. detailed and thorough: thought out or organized with thoroughness and careful attention to detail
elaborate preparations



v [i lábbə ràyt] (past and past participle e·lab·o·rat·ed, present participle e·lab·o·rat·ing, 3rd person present singular e·lab·o·rates)
1. vi give more detail about something: to go into greater detail about something that has already been spoken about or described in broad terms
Would you care to elaborate on that?

2. vt work out something in detail: to work out the details of something
3. vti make or become more complex: to make something more complex or ornate, or become more complex or ornate


[15th century. < Latin elaborat- , past participle of elaborare "produce by effort or labor" < labor "labor"]


-e·lab·o·rate·ly, , adv
-e·lab·o·rate·ness, , n
-e·lab·o·ra·tion [i làbbə ráysh'n], , n
-e·lab·o·ra·tor [i lábbə ràytər], ,n

Elaborating upon this piece will really improve it, and I mean really. You need some imagery, paint us some scenes and tell us some pictures, the latter being intentional as a story is told but we see pictures, so to speak. I think some abstract imagery for this piece would make us feel for Joriah more, just now we have a man that dies and we feel nothing for him, no compassion, no pain, nothing. You need to change that.

Why does Joriah do the things he does? Elaborate, use some philosophical ideas and thoughts to get into the head of the killer, question Joriah's motives for fighting back, his motives for succumbing to his fate and his motives for... for everything that he does. If we don't have reason for doing something, even if it's merely that we deem it the act that should be completed in the moment, we're not human. To make your characters real, make them think, make them ponder and question, make them wonder.

I think maybe a glimpse into what his life would've been had be acted differently could be used for the questioning. Yes, yes I think that would work rather well. Use some imagery, make us empathise, make us care for your characters before you kill them.

Dreams of Giants I think that now, perhaps the title signifies the end of the dreams of giants, as in the giants' deaths. Or that this is in fact a philosophical debate between a man and his possible outcomes of life, that he is dreaming of the different circumstances that he could come under, the undoing of the dreams of giants.

Anyway, I enjoyed this, PM me if you post another chapter, need anything, question any of my ideas on this piece, or if you revise this and want me to re-review, or so to speak.

~Kirsten

Hey =]

As you've been so kind to review my Untitled stroy, I though I'd return the favour

So it looks like I'm a tad late and all of the mistakes have been pointed out and corrected, but I'm going to go ahead and review anyway.

As others have already mentioned, I really like the title of this story. It definitely made me want to read on and see what it was all about.

I agree with the reviews above in that you could maybe describe the shop a bit more and add in more on how Joriah is feeling. You say at the start that he is suddenly scared. Is it because he has been expecting the cutthroat? He knows that meetings with a cutthroat rarely go well? Little bits of information help to give background to the story and in turn, makes it all seem more realistic. Although this is a fantasy so not much will seem realistic to the 'real' world

Anyway, I enjoyed reading this

On to part 2!

xDudettex

Here I am, on the first chapter. ^^ Since I haven't looked at the other reviews, if I'm bringing up points that have already been trod on, feel free to ignore me.

His unique attire indicated that he was a cutthroat.

First of all, what kind of "unique attire" is this? Just the scarf, or his other clothes as well? Make that more clear.

I'm not liking the "indicated that he was" phrasing; it sounds too formal, like from a textbook.

Joriah stood tentatively at the back of the shop,watching the cutthroat move agilely toward him.

Quick succession of adverbs = painful. It's better to use a single strong word than a lot of adverbs. It'll convey a clearer picture, too. For example, the cutthroat might glide towards him, or weave, or pad, or any other way of agilely moving. Each word presents a different image.

Instinctively, Joriah touched the old pistol he wore at his belt. It gave him a sense of safety. A look of terror grew over his face. The cutthroat's intimidating, slow stride accompanied him to the counter.

This succession of short sentences doesn't really work at building up Joriah's tension. They feel too...basic and elementary. I especially don't like the "look of terror" line, since it pulls the audience away from the scene by making them distant observers instead of getting right into Joriah's head. The main reason why this paragraph is bothering me is because it's such a shallow reading into Joriah's feelings. Besides the "it gave him a sense of safety" bit, I don't get any of what Joriah's thinking/feeling about the cutthroat approaching.

“You are Joriah, are you not?” he said, rather than asked.

If he said this instead of asking, there shouldn't be a question mark.

“Have you brought my pay?” Joriah responded boldly.

Ugh, no, not the "Character dialogue-tagged adverbly" construction. It's all right once in a very, very, very blue moon, but in this context it's just jarring and an example of telling instead of showing. Show us Joriah's boldness in the hard cast to his eyes or in him stepping forward to confront the cutthroat.

The silence that followed his words subtly hardened the air.

I like this imagery; it isn't over-the-top and purple like so much fantasy description is, but is a unique way of describing silence (a rather overdone topic). I like the usage of synaesthesia as well, when it comes to the silence being something tangible (it can harden).

A knife materialized in the cutthroat's fingers.

Now, this wouldn't be a problem if the story wasn't a fantasy one, since I can accept it as figurative language, but since this is fantasy, it's making me wonder if the cutthroat makes the knife suddenly appear out of thin air, by usage of magic, or if "materialized" is just figurative language for him drawing the knife very quickly. Might want to clarify this.

Joriah's eyes locked on the knife.

This terminology, along with the depth we've gotten of Joriah earlier, is seriously making me wonder if he's a robot. XD I don't think he is, but "eyes locked on to" is much too technical if you're describing a human character.

he felt a force hit the side of his hand.

A force? You're not being clear enough. Did the cutthroat simply knock Joriah's hand aside, or did he use...the Force? *shot* Or magic of some kind. Just like the "materialized" example before; you need to be more clear.

In a flurry of movements, the cutthroat had flipped over, landing behind Joriah.

I can't really see this. The "had" especially ruins the flow for me...and it seems weird/overly showy that the cutthroat would use a "flurry of movements" for a simple flip. Then again, I'm no fight scene expert myself...

the cut throat said.

"Cutthroat" is one word. ~_^

“If you kill me, you'll never get it,” Joriah responded. He sounded desperate.

More distance. Maybe the distance is intentional, but...I'm not liking it much. It's hurting my ability to become invested in the scene.

“It's in the drawer labeled '3',” Joriah managed to say through several squeals of agony.

Is he squealing because the cutthroat is already cutting off Joriah's fingers, or because he's squeezing tight or something else?

“Any attempt at sudden movement, and I swear to the creator that you will lose one of your precious fingers.”

The reference to the "creator" is interesting; it ties in a small way back to the prologue.

Its violet color was tainted by only the golden emblem emblazoned on its front.

Not liking the usage of "tainted". It clashes with the common image of gold as being something beautiful and of value, so the usage of that imagery feels clunky. And when I think "tainted", I think of an impurity that's spread throughout, not concentrated in a single area as an emblem would be.

The cutthroat snatched it from his hand, turned around without another word, and in a single leap, jumped over the counter to leave the store. As he reached the door of the shop, he drew out a silenced pistol. His single shot pierced Joriah's forehead between his eyes.

Now, this...this is a rather anticlimactic end. I'm getting absolutely no emotion from any of this happening. I almost feel like I'm reading a textbook, which is bad for a fantasy novel (all right, Tolkein can get textbook-tastic at time...but he's Tolkein). This can easily be fixed by throwing in some emotional reactions from the characters--either character--but as it is, it feels abrupt and almost pointless.

Overall thoughts:

I'm going to have to confess that I didn't like this chapter nearly as much as I did the prologue. >_> Part of that comes from it being so..sparse. Not just with descriptions, but with characters as well. In fact, the biggest problem in this chapter is its sparsity. Let's tackle both:

Sparsity in description: The sparse description comes as an especial shock after the prologue, which had some very beautiful pieces of description in it, especially in regards to the world. This chapter, though, feels more like a rough sketch or outline than a satisfying chapter in of itself, especally description-wise. I couldn't picture either character and there wer epoints where the description confused me (mostly about whether magic was involved). Nor could I see what the shop looked like. What does it sell, exactly? In this first chapter, even if Joriah isn't ever going to show up again, you have an opportunity to develop your world. Show us in detail (though don't overwhelm) how this world differes subtly from ours. It's an interesting tidbit that characters have guns, but that only makes it harder for the read to perceive this as a fantasy world. It's such a sharp contrast from the prologue it's alienating.

Sparsity in character: More egregious than sparsity in description is how sparse both characters feel. I couldn't connect with either. The cutthroat was just a stereotypical, if slightly sadistic, assassin while Joriah was...I didn't even know what Joriah was like. I'm certain the cutthroat will show up again, so an initial shallow portrayal is understandable, but Joriah is less excusable. You seemed to be keeping the perspective distant, but that's hurting more than helping in this case. Readers need a character to latch on to immediately, even if the character is just going to die (it's a trope, "bait and switch protagonists"). In fact, because I couldn't connect to Joriah, I felt no sense of tension or mystery even though I know a plot important even happened. I couldn't bring myself to care. In the rewrite (or expansion, I should say) I'd recommend anchoring the scene more strongly around Joriah's perspective. Give us his thoughts and feelings, add little details such as his familiarity with the shop or a mention of his family to humanize us. It'll give the story stronger stakes from the beginning, and make us realize just how heinous the cutthroat is.

I know I came across like I didn't like it, but I do think this is a good work. ^^ This chapter is just somewhat weaker compared to the prologue. Actually, like I said before, it reads like a sketch or outline--which is why I suggest that instead of completely rewriting it, just use it as a springboard for a greatly expanded version. It'll be the much better for it.

I look forward to reading more "Dreams of Giants". You've got a very intriguing story here, and for the most part well-written with no severely detracting errors. Hope this review helped. ^^

PM if you have any questions, and the best of luck in your endeavors.

First off, that was really good, it really got my attention and kept me reading. Now to the critiques... I thought it moved a little too fast, you could have spent a moment to describe the characters and the setting more. I thought that when the cutthroat pinned the other character, you could've made that part a little more clear; I was a bit confused on what happened. For instance, at first I thought that a third person had pinned him, rather than the cutthroat. That's pretty much all I got! Nice work!