Young Writers Society

[Dreamy Manifestations]

I was your average girl, living. I had a family. A mother, a father, siblings, I was the youngest. But they took it away from me.

“Who are they mama?” I asked her in my six-year old voice, she did not answer. Tears just kept on falling from her eyes. Back then I can’t even understand what was happening.

There stood, a man in black shirt and pants, he was plain. He was plain before I saw the fire from his eyes. He was plain before I saw the fire from his hands. He was plain before I saw how he killed my family, looking them straight in the eye, holding them tight. BURNING THEM. And I sat there, just sat there. Hearing the screams, the pleas, the cries of my family and doing nothing to stop the agony. I sat there, hearing the bitter chuckle of the man who killed them. I was afraid to look at him, I was afraid of him. And I still am.

“Now, kill the girl” the man said, I trembled. Then, I saw someone standing in front of me. He was about my age, six? , I can’t see him clearly. Besides the fact that fire was everywhere, my vision was cloudy because of the tears, tears of fear. The little boy held my wrist, I felt a burning sensation, and I looked at him, and knew what was going to happen. The last thing I heard was when he whispered.

“Sorry” in a tone so soft only us: he and I would hear.

Then everything went black.

CHAPTER 1
[Cold Summer]


I opened my eyes. I was panting. My throat was so dry with all the screams in my dream.

A DREAM! I thought. It was all a dream.

I hope it really was just a dream. But unfortunately, it did happen. I did lose so much. I happen to be the little girl that was terrified, killed, and lived again.

I was in a coma for five months and when I woke up, the two things I remembered were my name and the day five months before. It was all a blur to me, how I woke up again, because as far as I am concern, I died. Someone killed me, that boy killed me. How would I live if my heart stopped? How would I live if right there that little boy KILLED ME? Answer.

I am now sixteen. I am a sophomore and living here in Salem, New Jersey. Hazel-colored eyes, long dyed black hair, very, very pale skin, and 5’8 in height, that’s pretty much what I could say about myself.

Also, the couple who had found me inside the house had adopted me. Their names are Brianna and Harold Sparks. Brianna has strawberry blond hair in a bob, icy blue eyes and ivory skin. While Harold, or Dad, has brown hair, brown eyes and tan skin. He is also built but not bulky. They are actually just like siblings to me, she is 31 and he is 33.

“SUMMER!”

“Yes mom, I am very much aware that I am late now.”

“Good.” Was all she said, funny? Well no. Even though she acts mother-like, she still sound like an older sister.

“I’m going Mom”

“Okay” She shouted from the kitchen which is by the way three rooms away from where I am. (Just so you know)

I walked towards school, don’t pity me, I don’t do this because I have to, it’s because I want to. I needed to think. I needed to process the images that went vivid in my dreams. It had been hunting me for ten years now.

My recalls were suddenly interrupted by someone who was plain stupid not to know where to go.

“You know, there’s a thing called ‘Sorry’.” I said this complete with the air quotes.

“It’s not nice of me to not say that word but I’ve been saving that word for one person only. I hope you understand.” He said in his most calm voice. Okay, so why did I know he was calm? He could have killed me, then and there.

“Look, mister-not-nice-of-me-to-not-say-sorry you are so goin—“

I simply could not finish my statement because he suddenly wrapped his arms around me. His grip was so cold it burnt to the touch.

I was in a state of shock. All my brain cells are dying one by one. My heart is skipping beats. It feels like I know this guy from somewhere, I’m feeling he was or is a part of me. I just can’t remember.

“You will understand” then he walked away.

I stood there, taken aback. Who wouldn’t? Being hugged by a guy you don’t know, who wouldn’t be freaked out?

Surprisingly, I kind of, felt like, uhm, know him.

[Dreamy Manifestations]


I was your average girl[s], living.[/s][The whole 'living' part doesn't really fit.] I had a family: A mother, a father, and siblings[s],[/s]. I was the youngest. But they took it away from me.


“Who are they mama?” I asked her in my six-year old voice. She did not answer. Tears just kept on falling from her eyes. Back then I [s]can’t[/s] couldn't even understand what was happening.


There stood[s],[/s] a man in black shirt and pants[s],[/s]. He was plain. He was plain before I saw the fire from his eyes. He was plain before I saw the fire from his hands. He was plain before I saw how he killed my family, looking them straight in the eye, holding them tight. BURNING THEM. And I sat there[s],[/s] ... just sat there. Hearing the screams, the pleas, the cries of my family and doing nothing to stop the agony. I sat there, hearing the bitter chuckle of the man who killed them. I was afraid to look at him, I was afraid of him. And I still am.


“Now, kill the girl” the man said[s],[/s]. I trembled. Then, I saw someone standing in front of me. He was about my age.[s], six? ,[/s] I [s]can’t[/s] couldn't see him clearly. Besides the fact that fire was everywhere, my vision was cloudy because of the tears, tears of fear. The little boy held my wrist[s],[/s]. I felt a burning sensation, and I looked at him, and knew what was going to happen. The last thing I heard was when he whispered.


“Sorry” in a tone so soft only us[s]:[/s], he and I, would hear.


Then everything went black.

A mother, a father, siblings, I was the youngest.

“Who are they mama?” I asked her in my six-year old voice,[but] she did not answer.

Back then I can't even understand what was happening.

And I sat there, just sat there.

“Now, kill the girl” the man said

“Sorry” in a tone so soft only [s]us:[/s] he and I would hear.

I am now sixteen. I am a sophomore and living here in Salem, New Jersey. Hazel-colored eyes, long dyed black hair, very, very pale skin, and 5’8 in height, that’s pretty much what I could say about myself.

Their names are Brianna and Harold Sparks.

They are [s]actually[/s] just like siblings to me, she is 31 and he is 33.

I needed to process the images that went vividly in my dreams.

It had been [s]hunting [/s]me for ten years now.

My recalls were suddenly interrupted by someone who was plain stupid not to know where to go.

“Look, mister-not-nice-of-me-to-not-say-sorry you are so goin—“

Surprisingly, I kind of, felt like, uhm, know him.

First of all, i would just like to say i really liked this and thoroughly enjoyed it! Also, sorry if i repeat advice already given to you But, now to review!

“Who are they mama?” I asked her in my six-year old voice, she did not answer. Tears just kept on falling from her eyes. Back then I can’t even understand what was happening.

There stood, a man in black shirt and pants, he was plain.

He was plain before I saw the fire from his eyes. He was plain before I saw the fire from his hands. He was plain before I saw how he killed my family, looking them straight in the eye, holding them tight. BURNING THEM.

I can see what you were trying to achieve with repeating 'he was plain', but in my opinion it just seemed a bit repetitive. You could use something like I soon realised he wasn't plain when i saw the fire in his eyes... and just carry on with that? If you get my drift... Also, when you capatilised 'BURNING THEM' i understand that you were trying to emphasize this, but it's really not necessary, if you just left it as 'Burning them', it would be emphasized really well.

He was about my age, six? , I can’t see him clearly.

I was your average girl, living. I had a family. A mother, a father, siblings, I was the youngest. But they took it away from me.

I asked her in my six-year old voice

BURNING THEM.

And I sat there, just sat there.

Hearing the screams, the pleas,

I sat there

I was afraid to look at him, I was afraid of him.

“Now, kill the girl” the man said, I trembled.

He was about my age, six?

I can’t see him clearly.

The little boy held my wrist, I felt a burning sensation, and I looked at him, and knew what was going to happen.

Hello, darling! I'll review overall for prologue and chapter 1 and edit grammar for chapter one [since everyone else did the prologue.]

[s]My throat was so dry with all the screams in my dream.[/s] My throat was dry due to all the screams I had omitted in my dreams.

I think the sentence was a little choppy, so I re-worded it.

A [s]DREAM[/s]dream! I thought.

I hoped it really was just a dream. But, unfortunately, it [s]did happen[/s]had happened. I [s]did lose[/s]had lost[/s] so much. I happen[b]ed to be the little girl that was terrified, killed, and lived again.

You're mixing up your tenses here. Keep it in past tense, the one you used first.

I was in a coma for five months, and when I woke up, the two things I remembered were my name and the day five months before. It was all a blur to me, how I woke up again, because as far as I [s]am concern[/s] was concerned, I had died. Someone had killed me, that boy had killed me. How [s]w[/s]could I live if my heart had stopped? How [s]w[/s]could I live if- right there- that little boy [s]KILLED ME[/s]killed me? Answer.

Hazel-colored eyes, long, dyed black hair, very, very pale skin, and 5’8 in height[s],[/s]; that’s pretty much what I could say about myself.

Brianna has strawberry blond hair in a bob, icy blue eyes, and ivory skin. While Harold, or Dad, has brown hair, brown eyes, and tan skin. He is also built, but not bulky. They are actually just like siblings to me[s],[/s]; she is 31 and he is 33.

“[s]SUMMER[/s]Summer!”

“Yes, mom, I am very much aware that I am late now.”

“Good.” Was all she said[s],[/s]. [s]f[/s]Funny? Well, no. Even though she acts mother-like, she still sounds like an older sister.

“I’m going, Mom.”

“Okay,” [s]S[/s]she shouted from the kitchen, which is- by the way- three rooms away from where I am[s]. (Just so you know)[/s]- just so you know.

I walked towards school[s],[/s]; don’t pity me[s],[/s]- I don’t do this because I have to, it’s because I want to. I needed to think. I needed to process the images that [s]went vivid[/s]had been presented vividly in my dreams. It had been haunting me for ten years now.

“You know, there’s a thing called ‘Sorry’[s].[/s],” I said this, complete with the air quotes.

“It’s [s]not nice[/s]rude of me to not say that word, but I’ve been saving that word for one person only. I hope you understand[s].[/s],” [s]H[/s]he said in his most calm voice. Okay, so why did I know he was calm? He could have killed me, then and there.

“Look, mister-[s]not-nice[/s]rude-of-me-to-not-say-sorry, you are so goin—“

I simply could not finish my statement, because he suddenly wrapped his arms around me.

I was in a state of shock. All of my brain cells [s]are[/s]were dying, one by one. My heart [s]is[/s]was skipping beats. It [s]feels[/s]felt like I kn[s]o[/s]ew this guy from somewhere[s],[/s]; [s]I’m feeling[/s]it felt as if he was or is a part of me. I just [s]can’t[/s]couldn't remember.

“You will understand,” he said, and then turned and walked away. [s]then he walked away.[/s]

I stood there, taken aback. Who wouldn’t? Being hugged by a guy you don’t know[s],[/s]; who wouldn’t be freaked out?

Surprisingly, I kind of[s],[/s] felt like[s], uhm,[/s]I kn[s]o[/s]ew him.

Overall:

Hi, and nicely done! I want to know who killed her family and why. Your grammar wasn't perfect; try to double check for any careless mistakes before posting. I want to know what will happen between these characters!
Anyway, good job! Keep it up!

Love,
Music.