Purple Magic (old)

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Hey all! Just to let you know, this is actually a sequel to an unwritten story (hehe...), but the good news is that there are only a few characters in it from the old ones and they don't appear for quite some time. In other words, you aren't missing much :D

This section is rather old, actually, but I hope you like it!

_____

Imelda sat before the flickering fireplace as the rain beat against the roof of the house. Her brown hair was damp and plastered to her flushed cheeks, but she made no move to fix it. A book lay open in her lap, though Imelda's thoughts were far away from the print on the pages.

Her uncle had once again offered to open his home to Imelda and he had warned her that he would no longer support her if she stayed in her home. She was realizing that she would have to make the choice sooner or later, and later was approaching far sooner than she expected.

Ever since Imelda's mother had died, he had been struggling to find a way to keep Imelda in his household, but he had never succeeded.

Until now.

For as long as Imelda could remember, she had lived with her mother's friend, Martha, and her uncle had seemed content with that arrangement. Two years ago, however, Imelda decided to go back to her home and live by herself, taking the money that her uncle gave to Sarah for her care in order to do so. The shrinking bag of coins in her belt served as a constant reminder of her dependence on her uncle.

But Imelda didn't understand why he wanted her to live with him so badly. He had never actually visited her with the exception of her earlier birthdays and, as far as she knew, he hadn't so much as lifted a finger to help her father when he became an alcoholic. Even if he was her mother's brother, Imelda couldn't say that she trusted him.

Somehow, despite thoughts weighing heavily on her mind, consciousness slipped from her body and she drifted to sleep.

* * *
A blood chilling scream assaulted Imelda's ears. Her eyes snapped open, though all she could see were the flames slowly dying in the fireplace. All of her senses were suddenly sharp. She could feel the cold floor beneath her cheek and hear how the rain had turned to sleet. A sharp taste floated on her tongue... As if she had placed a metal spoon on it. Imelda listened, wondering if it had been a part of her dreams until the screaming started again.

It was woman's scream. A man swore and the shrieks continued, seeming to get closer to her. She heard the man shout and all sound immediately ceased. The change was so abrupt that Imelda sat up and quickly pulled herself to her feet, her heart pounding loudly in her ears. She listened carefully for any sound and slowly wrapped her fingers around the knife that rested in her belt. Imelda held it in front of her and waited, every muscle tense, for the next noise.

One second passed, then another.

A man shouted on the other side of the door and the wood bent in, immediately breaking apart into hundreds of slivers that flew across the room. Imelda raised her arm to protect her face and watched in horror as a hooded figure jumped through the doorway. The black hood shadowed his face, but she could feel his eyes lock on her and see the shine of his teeth as he pulled back his lips into a smile.

Out of instinct, Imelda held out the knife, making sure it separated her from the intruder, her hands shaking violently. He laughed, his voice like someone dropping logs on a pile of wood, and raised his right hand in her direction.

“Surmarsi!” he yelled.

Imelda twisted her knife and was about to throw it when she was struck by an invisible hand. Her throat constricted and she couldn't breath as the room began to swim around her. Her body was frozen in place. She felt her heart slow its beating and her thoughts start to fog as she quickly began to shut down.

The man lowered his hand and grinned darkly. An ashen hand reached from behind him and grabbed the back of his neck, pushing him forward. He screamed as smoke floated from his cloak and the next figure glided in. The new intruder pulled the man along for several strides before releasing his neck, dropping him on the floor.

“Idiot,” the figure hissed as she pulled off her hood to reveal her long, silver hair. “You just about killed her. Parmarsi!”
Immediately, air flowed into her lungs and her body started to work again. Imelda struggled to cry out, but she couldn't make a sound. She still had no control over her arms or mouth and her legs were held in place.

“I don't know why we were assigned to fetch this... child,” she said, stepping closer to Imelda. “Though she does strike me as an interesting little mutt.”

The woman laughed and took the blade from Imelda's hand, tossing it beside the crumpled man on the floor. She thrust out her pale arm and grabbed Imelda's face with her hot hand, forcing Imelda's head to move from side to side as the woman examined her. Imelda struggled with all her might to regain control of her body and break through the hex.

“Ah, it looks as though we shall be traveling with an honorary deihher tonight,” she said to her comrade, who was beginning to pull himself off the floor and pick up the discarded knife.

Imelda didn't understand. If anyone looked like a deihher, it was the woman. Her silver hair and purple lining around her black, iris-less eyes seemed to come right out of the horror stories that ran through the town. Except that she wasn't a wolf.

The woman ran her fingers through her captive's hair, causing Imelda's scalp to tingle. She abruptly took her hand and smacked it across Imelda's face.

“Most likely a traitor's offspring. I don't know what he would want with any of that sort, past revenge. But Christopher has always had a way of choosing,” she stared at Imelda with a mixture of distain and hunger. “But if he is wrong, we could always use another Aninoid.”

“You should not refer to your superior in such casual terms,” the man said sharply, glaring at her murderously from beneath his charred hood.

The woman waved her hand dismissively and turned to face her challenger. “To call him otherwise would be to grant him respect, and since he has done little over the past years to impress me, he has earned none.”
Imelda concentrated, focusing all her energy on moving her hand. Her fingers twitched.

“The man who reawakened the art of our magics? The man whose ancestors survived our people's fall?” he growled, stepping in front of the woman and drawing his massive body up to full height.

Imelda slowly broke through her paralysis and reached her arm toward the fire poker on the floor. She hoped that she could knock out the woman with it and have recovered enough speed to evade the man. She knew that if she were captured again she would be worse off, but she couldn't wait for them to reveal what they were going to do with her.

“He's a coward,” the woman laughed mirthlessly. “The only reason his family survived at all is because they placed themselves before their cause. They should have all died with the failed magic user those centuries back so we could have started over without his leadership.”

Imelda's hand brushed against the metal rod.

“We would not have half the spells we have now if it wasn't for his family's survival.”

She wrapped her hand around it and began to lift it up behind her.

“You are as arrogant as he. I suppose that if he asked of you to-” a loud clattering cut the woman off when the poker fell to the floor.

The two intruders stopped and stared at Imelda. I'm dead, Imelda thought. She waited for them to say the word to freeze her heart again, forcing her body to shut down as she slowly suffocated... But it didn't happen.

“You're a slippery little snake, aren't you?” the woman said with little emotion. She closed her eyes and thought for a moment. “The average length of the partial immobilization spell on a non-magic user is an hour, fifty-two minutes and twenty seconds.” She opened her dark eyes and stared at Imelda. “While the average duration of the spell on a person of typical magical capabilities is approximately an hour and four minutes.”

“Did you cast the spell properly?” the man demanded.

“Of course I did, but how can this be? We can't have been here for more than twenty minutes.”

Imelda realized that they had forgotten her, for they were too busy arguing, and began quietly edging around them as fast as her stiff legs could move her. They continued to bicker, discussing things that Imelda knew nothing of, as she approached the gap where the front door used to stand. A meaty fist came down on the side of her face and she crumpled halfway through the doorway, dazed and bleeding from her split lip. Splinters dug into her arms and neck and a lump already began forming on her head as sleet rained down on her face.

“You little-”

“Calm yourself. We were sent here to take her back with us in one piece. She's no threat to us. But tie her up. I don't want her jumping out of the cart.”

The man stepped away from her to find something to bind her with. Imelda looked outside and noticed that the town was completely quiet. The neighbors hadn't heard the noise before. Imelda coughed up a clot of blood that had gone down her throat and took a raspy breath.

“HELP!” Imelda yelled into the night until the word faded into a frantic scream.

Thin, long fingers pressed down over her mouth, cutting off her cries and causing her lip to bleed all the more. The heat that radiated off the hands was so intense that Imelda was sure that her face was being incinerated. The woman's deep eyes entered Imelda's vision, seeming to steal all the light from the room. Imelda couldn't look away. She felt her body melt into a strange mixture of calm and raw terror.

“You're safe, child,” the woman said softly, holding Imelda's gaze in hers. “We're taking you where you belong. We are going to take care of you.”

Imelda felt her ankles being bound, then her wrists. But that didn't matter. She was going to be taken where she belonged. They were going to take care of her.

She was lifted off the ground and carried the rest of the way out of the house into the freezing rain. A small wooden cart pulled by two horses was waiting outside. Waiting for her.

The man placed her limp body on the bundles in the cart before sitting up front to drive the horses. The woman, however, sat next to her in the back, placing a bag of items beside her. Her hood was up again, but Imelda could still see her dark, abysmal eyes whenever they looked down on her.

Imelda lay there, feeling content. There was something wrong and she knew it. Something was wrong with the way the bags below her smelled and felt, but she couldn't concentrate.

What am I doing here? Imelda wondered, her thoughts slow and jumbled.

She turned her head to the side and watched the wheels as they rolled over the paved road. The path was flat and empty until they passed a motionless body. Imelda blinked. Black hair was sprawled around the woman's pale face and her neck was twisted at a grotesque angle. Her eyes were frozen open and glassy, looking into nothing with an expression of utter horror.

“Sarah?” Imelda gasped, staring at the mangled body of her recent guardian.
Last edited by LydiaB on Sun Mar 29, 2009 7:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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That was awesome! It held my attention the entire time. I love how you describe your characters, just enough so I can picture them but not so much to where it annoys me. :)

Awesome job, and please stay with this idea!

-Monday
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Wow, very good. It grabbed my attention and I was totally enthralled once I started reading. I definitely want to read more, so PM me when you post more. Honestly, as for critiques, I have very little to give you.

He had never actually visited her with the exception of her earlier birthdays and, as far as she knew, he hadn't so much as lifted a finger to help her father when he became an alcoholic.


I'm not sure alcoholic fits this time period. Typically when I think fantasy, I think of swords and bow and arrows, and I'm not sure they would have that terminology. Perhaps you could reword it to say something like: He hadn't so much as lifted a finger to help her father when he lost himself in the cup. IDK, you get the idea, right?

It was a woman's scream.


She felt her heart slow its beating and her thoughts start to fog as she [s]quickly[/s] began to shut down.


Imelda lay there, feeling content. There was something wrong and she knew it. Something was wrong with the way the bags below her smelled and felt, but she couldn't concentrate.


I am angry that she is so content, obviously invoked by some enchantment, but she recovered so quickly from the paralysis spell, that I want her to recover from this spell just as quickly. Elaborate more on how she feels, besides just contentment. If something is wrong and she doesn't know what it is, how does that make her feel?

What am I doing here? Imelda wondered, her thoughts slow and jumbled.


That question seems weird. I mean, she does remember being put on the cart, right? And whatever village they are leaving, Imelda went there. So she should know where she is at and why she is there. Perhaps you could have her wonder where she is going? Or who these people are that are kidnapping her. Or who the man is that they keep talking about.

Setting: I'd like to see more of a description of the setting, but I think you did a fantastic job with what you had. I especially liked it when Imelda woke up and you used all five senses. That definitely deserves a gold star.

Characters: I think you did a beautiful job of describing the characters. I agree with Monday. You gave us just enough so we could visualize them, but you did it a way that wasn't a total info dump. My only request is that you describe Imelda a little more. What color is her hair? What color are her eyes? How old is she? And I was a little confused as to who Sarah and Martha were. I am also confused as to what a honorary deihher and an Aninoid is. I'm sure you are going to explain this later on, I just wanted to make sure that you do.

Plot: I like it so far, although it isn't one-hundred percent clear what is going on. You have very good flow and transition well. Keep up the good work!!

Hopefully my input helped and please PM me when you post more! Thanks!
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Hiya! This title caught my attention (rather story as to why). Some comments:

Proper Introductions: Take the time needed to properly introduce all characters you MC knows well. Give a bit more history on the uncle, the mother, the father, and a bit more back-history on the characters in general.

Sarah, in perticual, needs proper introductions. Named characters should have about a paragraph to introduce them, especially if they'll hold a vital role later in the story, and it seems your MC's memory of her, at least, will.

Person: Just from the nature of this work, I'm wondering if this would be better in first person. Since you have a lot of characters of the same gender, it would be easier to identify your MC by seeing "I" or "my" instead of "Imelda," "she" or "her." Personally, I find seeing the MC's name fifty times a bit annoying and cumbersome. And because it's needed to show who is doing what, I would suggest making this first person.

Confusion: My confusion factor here is about 8. Mostly, it's due to improper introductions of characters and the past-perfect tense in the opening paragraphs. Past perfect is stuff like "had been"; seeing that a lot can be distracting and confusing. Only use past-perfect once or twice, then switch to normal past tense. It's less confusing. ;)

Overall: This was interesting, for sure. I do wish you spent a little more time on explaining things, but other then that it was a nice beginning.

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey
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Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Thanks all for reviewing~! I just thought I'd let you know (before you bite my head off) that I'm not going to put in the edits in this post. I'm going to put it into my actual document and then post it when I do more editing. I just didn't want ya'll to get angry because you thought I didn't take your advice :D

I also wanted to tell you that this is the first half of the chapter (yes, I do like long chapters ;)) and that some of the explaining will take place in the second part.

Thanks everyone! Your reviews were awesome!
-Lydia <3
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Wow.

That was really good. The story had me hooked from the beginning and the cliffhanger at the end is pure torture!

I can't really see anything wrong that the others didn't get, but I wanted to let you know that I do think a little bit more introduction for characters would help the story a lot.

All in all, amazing job and I look forward to reading more. PM me when you write some more or edit this one, will you?


@;~ Saph
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Hi great story!! :D You've got a good introduction and a really interesting story so far, I'm really curious as to what happens next!

Her uncle had once again offered to open his home to Imelda and he had warned her that he would no longer support her if she stayed in her home.


I'd change the second home to something else like house so you're not repeating home :)

Two years ago, however, Imelda decided to go back to her home and live by herself, taking the money that her uncle gave to Sarah for her care in order to do so.


You kind of brush over who Sarah is here which can be a little confusing- I'd introduce her a bit more properly.

But Imelda didn't understand why he wanted her to live with him so badly.


I think this sentence might sound better without But at the beginning- just my preference

She could feel the cold floor beneath her cheek and hear how the rain had turned to sleet.


Instead of saying 'hear how the rain had turned to sleet' I'd write about how she knew it had- does it sound louder and heavier? Does it make a different sound on the roof?

Imelda listened, wondering if it had been a part of her dreams until the screaming started again.


I'd rephrase this a bit, it might sound better as something like this- 'Imelda listened, wondering if the noise had come from her dreams- until the screaming started again.'

It was woman's scream. A man swore and the shrieks continued, seeming to get closer to her. She heard the man shout and all sound immediately ceased.


you need an a before woman's :)

Imelda held it in front of her and waited, every muscle tense, for the next noise.


You go from holding it in her belt to holding it in front of her- I'd maybe add a bit about drawing it out silently or something.

He laughed, his voice like someone dropping logs on a pile of wood, and raised his right hand in her direction.


I'm not that keen on this simile- a description on the harsh tone or another simile might work better.

He screamed as smoke floated from his cloak and the next figure glided in.


I'm not sure about this sentence, I'd maybe change 'the next figure' to 'another tall figure glided in'.

“The man who reawakened the art of our magics? The man whose ancestors survived our people's fall?” he growled, stepping in front of the woman and drawing his massive body up to full height.


he needs to be He and I'm not that keen on massive- another word like hefty/vast/giant might work better.

She hoped that she could knock out the woman with it and have recovered enough speed to evade the man.


'have recovered' should be just 'recover' I think.

“You're a slippery little snake, aren't you?” the woman said with little emotion.


the needs to have a capital T :)

“Did you cast the spell properly?” the man demanded.


same here

The woman's deep eyes entered Imelda's vision


I'd maybe say something like 'filled' here instead of entered.

Overall: Really brilliant story! I could barely pick out anything, I think you have done very well in describing the characters too.

I'd like a little more on Sarah at the beginning as you don't really say who she is and seeing as its her dead body we see at the end, it might be a good idea to introduce her properly. You've managed to show how the two intruders look wonderfully, I've got a good image in my head of them both :) Maybe a little more on the room would be nice- perhaps you could have her looking around the room or looking back at her home as she is bundled into the carriage? I don't think its entirely necessary but could add to the story.

I noticed you said 'hand' quite a lot, I'd go back and see where it could be replaced with something else or left out :) I noticed barely any punctuation and grammar mistakes, but a couple of times you forgot to capitalise the letter after speech but I think I pointed them all out. Other than that great job!

The story is a little confusing- but that's good in a way as it makes me want answers! As long as things start to become clear later on I think it works well ;)

All these are just suggestions, I really enjoyed reading this :D Hope I've helped! *star*
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^_^ Sorry I'm a bit late, but hopefully I can be of some help without repeating whatever anyone else has already said. <_< I'll try to stick to larger things about the story instead of picking through little things, so I'll hopefully avoid repetition, yes? =D Well, here goes!

I. After Reading Once

Meh. =/ So, it seems rather bland. I mean, of course the events of this piece are fantastic and tense and scary, but from the very beginning, it all felt like it had been done before -- a fire, strange villains, main character somehow different from everyone else, kidnapping, death of those she cared about. Do you get my drift? You'll need to spice the story up from here on in, and give a hint of that spice in the beginning, or it might lose readers. =P

I also can't find any road in to identifying with the main character. You haven't given her any real feelings at all in this part, or if you have tried, they don't come out as strongly and affect me as much as you'd like. But maybe that's just me? =P

II. Going Back Through

Imelda sat before the flickering fireplace as the rain beat against the roof of the house.


Just. So. Overdone. :C I'm sorry, but it really is. I feel like this story might be ten times more interesting if you left out this part completely, worked the information into the story, and started with the kidnapping. =/ In media res! =O

A sharp taste floated on her tongue... As if she had placed a metal spoon on it.


Really don't need the ellipses, just connect the sentences. ^_^ It's meant to try to match the tension of the scene, right? Instead it breaks the flow, so you should put them together! =D

One second passed, then another.


:C Bleh. You could come up with a better way of saying time passed. Maybe put some of Imelda's feelings in here? Thoughts? Connect us to her in the empty spaces?

“Though she does strike me as an interesting little mutt.”


How would this villain already have an impression of Imelda? =/ If you're not hiding that they've been spying on her or something, then this seems kind of TOO quick -- one couldn't really judge someone interesting by their looks unless the person dressed differently? Know what I mean?

Except that she wasn't a wolf.


This is good to try to hint at the definition of the word, but you might want to avoid confusion by just defining it in your text in parentheses?

She abruptly took her hand and smacked it across Imelda's face.


Why on Earth would she do that, and why do you think it significant to add? It doesn't seem realistic to me, after that woman was telling her accomplice to stop abusing the girl...

“He's a coward,” the woman laughed mirthlessly. “The only reason his family survived at all is because they placed themselves before their cause.


I skipped completely over the tag in the middle. Just say 'the woman said', because chances are, other readers are going to skim over the tag as well, so you don't need to waste those words. It's also kind of a rule to try not to use adverbs unless they are absolutely necessary, so you might want to check through your piece for other ones. ^_^

Imelda realized that they had forgotten her, for they were too busy arguing, and began quietly edging around them as fast as her stiff legs could move her.


Again, overdone and unrealistic. =( I mean, I know it's fantasy, but people are still people and they'd notice someone moving in the room.

But that didn't matter. She was going to be taken where she belonged. They were going to take care of her.


Try to make it clearer here that her mind is being invaded. ^_^

“Sarah?” Imelda gasped, staring at the mangled body of her recent guardian.


Nehhh, bad way to end this, as well. =( So, you're trying to imply that Imelda cares for Sarah to a point, to the point that she'd be shocked when she was dead, yes? Well we know nothing about Sarah, so it just comes out of nowhere. D:

This is a good start and good writing, but you should spice it up a bit for future parts! ^_^ Good work.

-Hannah-




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Over all it seems like it' really good.
I want to see more of who Sarah is though. We don't really get a sense of what she likes, her morals, and what what's really important to her though. It was also a bit confusing. I wasn't sure what some of the terms mentioned were or what people were talking about with the blood traitor and every thing. Other than that ti was really good.




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Yay reviews!

The grammar and everything is already done. SO I will state that I REALLY like this =D

I loved how you worded the scream assaulting Imelda's ears. I liked it and you should write more =D I like the title too.

thank you for writing such an awesome piece =D




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Hello! I'm going to be your reviewer today!

This was very, VERY well written. I'm not sure I can add anything as everyone already seems to have caught what I was about to say! This piece kept my attention the whole time, which is great! :D

I do agree, though, that you need to take time and describe your main character more. Also, describing the setting would be nice too. Other than that, I really don't think I have anything else to say.

So. I doubt this review was very helpful, but I just had to comment after reading that. Great job! I can't wait to read more! PM me when the next part's up!

~SOUL~
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you did really well, there is a very thin line between to much detail and the right amount, and you hit it perfetly.



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