World of War Part I

In 2017, the president of the United States was assassinated. In 2019, America goes to war with China. What happens next can be read through the portal to the future below

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Caleb--

Hi, there! So, at the beginning, I knew that this was going to be really good. You certainly have a great jumpstart for this story. In fact, I really enjoyed reading this. I thought it was really clever, and I love reading about end of the world wars. It's fun to read and write about! Don't you think?

I think one thing you can do with this is expand on it. After all, there are huge gaps in this story. Many years are missed, and instead of stating what has happened in the next chapter/entry/whatever they were, I think you should re-write this as a novel. I really think that you could go far with this. I have discovered that you are great with action, so use that to your advantage. Stretch this story out, play with the characters. Instead of us just getting to know a few of them, let us get to know every one. Have you seen Band of Brothers? We don't just stick with one of the soldiers the entire series. We go through a whole bunch of them, to get to know their strengths, weaknesses, personality. Things like that. I really like Scott, your main characters. He's pretty good, but at the same time, I know that there is more to him than what you've stated here. He's a real person, you know. Even if he just exists in our brains, he's real.

So make him real. Make him act like a real human being, instead of just another character in a story. Because this has the potential to be huge, Caleb. An actual novel. Think of that! It would be amazing to read.

So, what I'm trying to get at here is, if you feel you are up to the immense challenge, I would very much like you to take this step by step and elongate this into a novel. I think it would work out very well.

INTRODUCTION

This is a really critical time in your plot, no? The president gets shot, the war begins, we are introduced to the various armies. So, instead of making this one page, make it much, much longer. Expand on every aspect. And don't just tell us these things. Instead of telling us the President is shot, show us! Show us the actual scene where he's shot! It would be very interesting, and a lot more captivating that way.

Next, add more scenes between the years. I mean, seriously, a whole heck of a lot can happen in a few years in a war. Millions of people could be killed. Add some spice to this story. Right now, it's a bit bland, but I know that you can do this. I really do. I want you to show us these scenes, like you've done later with the part where he is tied in the chair in China.

Description is vital in war stories. Especially in intense situations, writers like to mess with the reader's brain and stretch the suspenseful scenes out, just to keep the reader at the edge of his seat. So, add a lot of description whenever things get exciting to keep yourself from rushing the plot.

I think I've mentioned a lot of critical points in this critique. If you have any questions, please feel free to comment in this thread, or PM me, or anything really. I'm always on YWS.

Welcome to YWS! I really liked this story, and I know you're good enough to make it even better.

-Jared

Thankyou soooo much. You see, i had to write a short story for my english class.and i told my friends if i get an "a" on it i will finish it out and revise the story (the missing years).
But how can a 15 year old write a full novel. and if i did write a full novel,i would make it at least 250 pages .and part II is about a guy in america when the asian axis invades us,in 2019. it starts out by the new main character is at the speech where the president is assassinated . then it jumps to october(from june) where he is in class at virginia tech, and the asian axis takes over the college and takes the american males prizoners and make them into asian axis soldiers. and they execute the girls.
and the story will jump back and forth. like one chapter will be about scott, then the next chapter will be about the main character (from part 2 which will be part one) working as an a-a soldier

Calebdial wrote:Thankyou soooo much. You see, i had to write a short story for my english class.and i told my friends if i get an "a" on it i will finish it out and revise the story (the missing years).
But how can a 15 year old write a full novel. and if i did write a full novel,i would make it at least 250 pages.

How can a 15 year old write a full novel? I've written two of them! Really, it's not that hard; just extremely fun and time consuming. You just have to put your all in it, and you'll be able to accomplish anything you want to. I know you can do it, and if you ever do write more to this, please let me read it! I'd love to help you out with your novel as you continue writing!

-Jared

ill keep you updated with it then

The over all idea was good, I enjoy stories like these, I only edited a few pages of this, in the hopes you can get the repeated mistakes corrected yourself.

One thing though is try to review 2 pieces of work for ever one that you post. As it says in the rules it keeps things flowing.

I read how you described your story would be, and I would try to write this into a full novel, or many if possible if I were you. It is a fantastic idea, that has proved interesting so far, and probably would in the long run too. Just work on your grammar and sentence style a little, i felt most of your sentences could have been blended together, and you will do great!

Don't stop writing!

matthemus, Thanks for the revised. I liked it alot.