Young Writers Society

My green belt Tae Kwon Do promotion.

"Come on everybody, pull your cards and get in line!" a tall mans shouts. "Let's start with white belt form!"

Long stance low block to the left, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat. Turn to the front, long stance low block, step forward, punch, step punch, step punch, yell. Turn to the right, long stance low block, step forward, reverse punch. turn around, repeat. To the back, long stance low block, step forward, punch, step punch, step punch, yell. Long stance low block to the left, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat, this time with a yell.

"Nice work, attention please." We turn and face the front, arms at our sides. "White belts, have a seat, yellow belts and higher, your turn. Go at your own pace."

To the left, walking stance low block, step forward, punch. Turn around, repeat. Long stance low block to the front, reverse punch. To the right, reverse in block, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat. Long stance low block to the front, reverse punch. Slide your back leg up, high block to the right, step forward, punch. turn around, repeat. Pick up your front leg, turn to the back. step forward punch, yell.

"Attention." An equally tall woman joins the man, who is the instructor. "Yellow belts have a seat, orange and higher, orange belt form."

Walking stance low block to the left, front kick, land in a long stance, face punch. turn around, repeat. to the front, high block, step forward, high block. All the way around to the right, reverse in block, turn around, reverse in block. To the front, reverse in block, step forward, reverse in block. To the back, front kick, punch, front kick, punch, front kick punch, yell.

"Orange belts, have a seat. Green belt form!"

This is it. My turn. I can feel the eyes watching me. I take a deep breath, then plunge in.
Walking stance low block to the left, front kick, double punch. Turn around, repeat. To the front, neck chop, step forward, neck chop. Turn to the left, knife-hand block, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat. to the back, low block, double punch, step forward, low block double punch, front kick, low block double punch, front kick, low block double punch, yell. I'd never heard such cheering before! apparently, I had done fairly well. I sit down, then watch the rest of the forms. Purple belt, blue belt, brown belt, red belt, red and white belt, then the last one testing, black belt.

"All right every body up!" Mr. Morris, the instructor, shouts. "Let's see your one steps!" Number one, step back, high block, low, middle, high punch. Two, step to the side, horse stance, palm heel strike, three punches. Three, step back and to the side, side kick to the floating rib. Four, the start of the yellow belts', step to the side, knife hand block, grab, twist the arm, round kick to the solar plexus. Five, slide backwards, outside inside crescent kick, turning back kick. Six, step forward, knife hand block, slide out, elbow strike to the face, elbow strike to the face. Seven is, step forward, vertical punch to the stomach, elbow strike. Eight, step forward, knife hand block, elbow to the face, neck chop returning, grab on the shoulders, pull in, knee strike to the stomach. Nine, the last for me, slide backwards, inside outside crescent kick, front kick waist level, round kick to the face.

Now, we have to break the boards Mr. Morris, and his wife, Mrs. Bri, have picked for us. I watch the white belts do their break, the step behind side kick, the yellow an axe kick, the orange belts a front kick, remembering when I did those. My turn. I take a deep breath, then do a practice round kick to Mr. Morris's hand, then go for the board.The feel of my foot leaving the floor, my body pivoting, my foot connecting with... nothing. I had missed!

"Try again, sweetie." Mr. Morris always has a kind word, even when we kick his fingers. I take a deep breath, aim, and the board cracks in two. I had done it! I was finally, after a year of hard work, a purple belt! I felt so proud, I didn't care when I was photographed. We lined back up, and the instructors started tying on our new belts. Working their way up from white to black, they tied the belts around each waist, shook each hand, and announced each name. when he got to me, the audience roared. I didn't hear them, I was so ecstatic! the highest belt in my family, a purple belt. afterwards, we celebrated with ice cream floats.


*Note: I may not have remembered everything exactly. I did my best.

The feel of my foot leaving the floor, my body pivoting, my foot connecting with... nothing. I had missed!

"Try again, sweetie."

When he got to me, the audience roared. I didn't hear them, I was so ecstatic! The highest belt in my family, a purple belt. Afterward, we celebrated with ice cream floats.

Hi! Nice story. I take karate, too. I know how anxious and nervous you feel when you test. At my black belt test, whooo. I was so scared! Haha. I just had some minor grammar and spelling corrections for you.
Bye!

That was tae kwon do, not karate. I missed this one, but I'm in Climber's class.

Good job, Sister.

Thanks. I'll fix those little errors. Oh, just a little F.Y.E. When I said

I may not have remembered everything exactly.

I meant I may have forgotten some part of the parts of a form or one-step. It doesn't really matter, Karate and Tae Kwon Do are pretty much the same, I believe.

Games again? No srlsly. Halp.

Tae Kwon Do! Nice!

Cliiimber! It's June! ^_^

So!

I like this a lot; firstly, because it's martial arts, and martial arts are just fabulous to read about, and secondly, because you took a personal experience, wrote it down descriptively and shared it with us all. That's a big accomplishment to do that, Squirrel-- it takes a lot to share personal stories with the world.

the highest belt in my family, a purple belt. afterwards, we celebrated with ice cream floats.

Capitalize the beginnings of those sentences, dear!

So! I really, truly enjoyed this! You get a star from me. There's nothing to change here-- I love the way you wrote it out. (And! Congratulations on that purple belt! You're ahead of me!)

Well done!

<3

June

To Fire: I know it's Tae Kwon Do, I'm in it, too. I just call it karate. Haha.

Here is your review as requested. My keyboard has been on the fritz, so please excuse any misspellings.

"Come on everybody, pull your cards and get in line!" a tall man[s]s[/s] shouts. "Let's start with white belt form!"

I'd like the instructor's name here, because otherwise it makes me think that he is a complete stranger.

Long stance low block to the left, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat. Turn to the front, long stance low block, step forward, punch, step punch, step punch, yell. Turn to the right, long stance low block, step forward, reverse punch. turn around, repeat. To the back, long stance low block, step forward, punch, step punch, step punch, yell. Long stance low block to the left, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat, this time with a yell.

Doing the moves for each belt seemed very redundant and eventually I got to the point where I was just skipping over that section. Perhaps you could do the moves for one belt and then your own. That way we can still see the moves, but not be overwhelmed by it.

Apparently, I had done fairly well. I sit down, [s]then[/s] to watch the rest of the forms. [s]Purple belt, blue belt, brown belt, red belt, red and white belt, then the last one testing, black belt[/s].

THe list of belts at the end wasn't necessary, and I felt like it dragged this sentence down.

I felt so proud, I didn't care when I was photographed.

This bit threw me off. What did this have to do with karate? Do you not like being photographed? It just seemed weird in the middle of it all. Also, I noticed that you don't show any emotion until almost the very end. Weren't you nervous when everyone else was doing their forms? Were you judging the others, comparing yourself, wondering how well you are going to do? I'd like more emotion and feeling in this piece.

The highest belt in my family, a purple belt. Afterwards, we celebrated with ice cream floats.

Overall: Non-fiction isn't really my thing, but this did flow well, and I enjoyed reading it. However, as I pointed out before I'd like more of what you were feeling. Also, could you possibly describe more of your surroundings? When my sister was in karate, she did it in a gym that smelled of rubber and sweat. But then my little brother did karate in a school cafeteria that always seemed to smell of tomato soup and grilled cheese. I want to feel like I am there, cheering you on as you get your belt. This has mjor potential, polish it up and it will be great!

Hope that helped!

Hiya Climber! Here as requested!

Alright, so this is non-fiction, I know, but perhaps you could give us less details? It was hard to picture, since I don't know what half those moves are.

A tip for making it less long: Tie everything into your MC. Like how you can now do those movements in your sleep, how nervous you were when you took the test, how you're simply counting down until it's your turn, ect. ^_^

Some confusion I had was what's going on. Are you doing all of these movements, or are you simply watching? Tying things into your MC should help with that.

I did like how you put those emotions into the end. Pretty easy to see being elated (as you should! Purple belt is amazing! ), and nerves are felt. Nice work on that part!

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hi, Sorry I took so long! First... I think you have to be 13 to use this site. I'm pretty sure that that is the minnimum age. But I suppose we just go here to improve, so here I go!

Long stance, low block to the left, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat.

okay, so this is good, but notice the comma in the first part, I added that in. And I think that 'low block to the left' is is long and arduous to read, seeing as what you have before/after are all short and snappy!

Long stance low block to the left, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat. Turn to the front, long stance low block, [s]step forward, punch, step punch, step punch, yell. Turn to the right, long stance low block, step forward, reverse punch. turn around, repeat. To the back, long stance low block, step forward, punch, step punch, step punch, yell. Long stance low block to the left, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat, this time with a yell.

Hmmm... reading on I get a little bored. I actually slipped the second half because I realized it was all of the same. I don't do tai kwon do, but not many people who do would care about the first five sequences. Repetition is good, you have just overdone it here. Try and cut out the second-last sentences, and the first one will be much more effective.

"Come on everybody, pull your cards and get in line!" a tall mans shouts. "Let's start with white belt form!"


Long stance low block to the left, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat. Turn to the front, long stance low block, step forward, punch, step punch, step punch, yell. Turn to the right, long stance low block, step forward, reverse punch. turn around, repeat. To the back, long stance low block, step forward, punch, step punch, step punch, yell. Long stance low block to the left, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat, this time with a yell.


"Nice work, attention please." We turn and face the front, arms at our sides. "White belts, have a seat, yellow belts and higher, your turn. Go at your own pace."


To the left, walking stance low block, step forward, punch. Turn around, repeat. Long stance low block to the front, reverse punch. To the right, reverse in block, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat. Long stance low block to the front, reverse punch. Slide your back leg up, high block to the right, step forward, punch. turn around, repeat. Pick up your front leg, turn to the back. step forward punch, yell.


"Attention." An equally tall woman joins the man, who is the instructor. "Yellow belts have a seat, orange and higher, orange belt form."


Walking stance low block to the left, front kick, land in a long stance, face punch. turn around, repeat. to the front, high block, step forward, high block. All the way around to the right, reverse in block, turn around, reverse in block. To the front, reverse in block, step forward, reverse in block. To the back, front kick, punch, front kick, punch, front kick punch, yell. [/s]

Okay, actually You have repeated a lot. I skipped this whole part because i relized. I'm justa reader, and I don't acutally care. I want sparring and blood, guts and action. I really think that you would be best to cut his entire piecs out. I skipped all that was striked out in the quote, but you should get rid of it all. It would be muck more effective starting with 'green belts form'

I have a good article here
It tells you how to put more description in your writing. How about you read this for the next part.

This is it. My turn. I can feel the eyes watching me. I take a deep breath, then plunge in.

okay, first, what d the eyes feel like. They are usually described as daggers, portruding in your back, making you sweat. life and death type of thing. Second - what do you meam by plunge in? I think plunge usually means diving into a pool, decreasing in altitude. It doesn't fit the context.

Walking stance low block to the left, front kick, double punch. Turn around, repeat. To the front, neck chop, step forward, neck chop. Turn to the left, knife-hand block, step forward, reverse punch. Turn around, repeat. to the back, low block, double punch, step forward, low block double punch, front kick, low block double punch, front kick, low block double punch, yell. I'd never heard such cheering before! apparently, I had done fairly well. I sit down, then watch the rest of the forms.

Okay... I don't like this. Put more feeling into it. This is your moment! Roll with it! Get the emotion. Stretch it out into grueling moments. I wan't to know more. Not to have to skip more of your writing. Check out that article I posted aboce. It will help.

Example:

The butterfiles in my stomoch coud have lifted me off the ground. I clutched my stomach and I got ready to heave. This is it. I had practiced for weekes on end. Building up to this moment. what if I forget the movement? What if I fall down? Oh no. Oh no! I can't do this. I took a queazy look around and realized that evryone was waiting for me. Cursing myself for makiing sucka stupid mistake, I felt the cool air on my clammy skin. [s][/s]THis is it.[s][/s]

"All right every body up!" Mr. Morris, the instructor, shouts. "Let's see your one steps!" Number one, step back, high block, low, middle, high punch. Two, step to the side, horse stance, palm heel strike, three punches. Three, step back and to the side, side kick to the floating rib. Four, the start of the yellow belts', step to the side, knife hand block, grab, twist the arm, round kick to the solar plexus. Five, slide backwards, outside inside crescent kick, turning back kick. Six, step forward, knife hand block, slide out, elbow strike to the face, elbow strike to the face. Seven is, step forward, vertical punch to the stomach, elbow strike. Eight, step forward, knife hand block, elbow to the face, neck chop returning, grab on the shoulders, pull in, knee strike to the stomach. Nine, the last for me, slide backwards, inside outside crescent kick, front kick waist level, round kick to the face.

OMG! Another paragraph to skip over. You should stop trying to bulk up, small, well written stories are the best, compared to long, arduous and tiresome ones. Skip all of this repetition out! I don't care what you had to do! I'm a reader and I have no idea. I want the greuling details. Chech out some of the other entries on this site, nad you'll see what I mean.

"Try again, sweetie." Mr. Morris always has a kind word, even when we kick his fingers. I take a deep breath, aim, and the board cracks in two. I had done it! I was finally, after a year of hard work, a purple belt! I felt so proud, I didn't care when I was photographed. We lined back up, and the instructors started tying on our new belts. Working their way up from white to black, they tied the belts around each waist, shook each hand, and announced each name. when he got to me, the audience roared. I didn't hear them, I was so ecstatic! the highest belt in my family, a purple belt. afterwards, we celebrated with ice cream floats.



*Note: I may not have remembered everything exactly. I did my best.

again, I need more detail. Keep working on this, and you'll have a great story. Don't worry about not having everything detailed. we want action - not lists. Keep writing and you can only improve!

Not to sound rude, but if you want blood and guts, then don't read about Tae Kwon Do. I know I asked you to, but I can't work in blood into a Tae Kwon Do promotion. Otherwise, it wouldn't be non-fiction. Tae means 'hand,' Kwon means 'foot,' and Do means 'way of life.'

Nate let me join. All you have to do if you are under-age, is sign and mail/fax a permission thing to him.

OKay... sorry! I wasn't exactly meaning blood and guts literally. I meant it as an action type of thing! Sorry!

I really liked this piece. It grabbed me. I like the repetition in it, it gave the feel of hard work, and watching my brothers Karate sessions, i can see how hard it is (I imagine that Tae Kwon Do is just as hard).

Maybe just look at sentence structure to build a bit of pace, Short sentences can make a chunk of writing seem fast, where as long sentences make a chunk of writing seem slow. Maybe for some of the slower movements make the sentences longer and when there is a fast movement make the sentences short punchy and dynamic.

Good tale and congrats on the belt!

Hey Squirrel --

I feel you're focusing on the wrong things. Notice those huge paragraphs detailing your exact movements. That's all well and good, but not for a story. Few people -- even martial arts buffs, I suspect -- will be particularly thrilled by a rundown of moves you performed.

No, what the reader really wants to hear about are your thoughts and feelings. You put a bit of that in there, but not nearly enough. I wasn't drawn in. I couldn't get inside your head, and I couldn't see the environment the story was taking place in. Where was this? Could you feel the tension? Did the audience distract you? Had you been dreading this day or looking forward to it with excitement?

That's the kind of stuff I want to see, not every kick and thrust. It shouldn't be about the mechanics of martial arts; it should be about you, the people, and the event.

Prokaryote