Young Writers Society

So this is the first chapter of my book Lily Foxglove. I've finished the book and it's now with my literary agent, but after joining this amazing website i feel that the story can be improved a lot. I've been back through the first chapter and edited it the best i can, but i still feel that it's missing something and it can be further improved. Please help me! All reviews and comments will be greatly appreciated - even if it's just to say whether you enjoyed it or not. I'm sorry if it's long, but it needs to be kept together as the next chapter goes back in time. Hope you like it =]


As the crashing, blue waves retreated from the pebbled beach, I felt as if my life was drifting away with them.

My mind still ached from trying to take in what had happened over the last few weeks. None of it was my fault, yet it was my life that was being turned upside down. I kicked angrily at the ground, causing a few loose pebbles to fall into the sea with a loud plop. Sighing, I felt the pent up frustration trying to create tears. I wouldn’t let it though. That’s what he wanted and I wasn’t going to give in.

I turned abruptly from the foaming sea and almost immediately noticed a small, red haired figure coming towards me. The pink and green polka dot swimming costume was unmistakable. It was Pansy; my annoying brat of a half sister. Realisation dawning, I quickly tried to hide behind a cluster of fisherman, holding my breath so as not to gag on the smell of the fresh fish. Unfortunately though, she had already seen me and was making her way over with a scowl on her face.

“Mum says you’ve got to buy me an ice cream,” she ordered, coming to a halt in front of me and placing her hands on her hips.
“Liar,” I replied casually, “Mum doesn’t even know I’m at the beach.”
Pansy slid her hands off of her hips and folded them across her stomach, glaring at me intensely. She wasn’t about to back down.
“What?”
“I said, Mum doesn’t even know I’m at the beach,” I retorted, rapidly losing my patience.
Pansy’s scowl lifted and was replaced by a smile so broad it showed off her missing front teeth. “You’re gonna be in trouble.”
“Well I don’t care,” I shrugged impatiently, “I’m running away.”
Pansy gasped and put her hand over her mouth like the drama queen she is. “I’m gonna tell Mum.”
“I don’t care, I’ve made up my mind,” I retaliated quickly.

With that, I spun around and made for the slope leading away from the beach. My calf muscles began to ache as I started to climb the steep, concrete road that was the only way to and from the beach. Beer was full of hills, even the beach was angled downwards towards the sea.

When I had finally reached the top of the slope, I turned my attention to the high street. The shops were buzzing with people of all ages, like bees around honey. It was always like this in the summer holidays. Being located on the south shoreline of England, Beer is a natural holidaying resort.

Reaching The Ship Inn on the corner of the road, I decided to take the path that my house backed onto. When I had gotten about half way up the hill though, I realised that the gate to our garden was ajar. I walked over to shut it, but as I got closer I heard voices. I recognised the voice of my Step Dad straight away and could also make out the voice of Ralph Lowe, the landlord of The Ship Inn, but I couldn’t work out who the third voice belonged to.

Opting to be nosy, I poked my head around the side of the gate and sure enough I saw my Step Dad Paul and the landlord Ralph, but I still couldn’t identify the third figure. I decided to move around to the rose bushes to get a better view.

To my surprise the third man was Mr. Peters, the owner of the gift shop next to the old tea room. He was fiddling thoughtfully with his grey, bushy moustache that hovered over his thin lips like a fly over a rubbish bin. Ralph was shuffling about on his feet nervously. Suddenly, Mr. Peters removed his bear-like hand from his moustache and placed it in the back pocket of his rather worn out looking jeans. A moment later his hand was back in view with a piece of paper in its grasp. He passed the paper to Ralph who seemed to read it with interest, he even stopped shuffling and frowned, forcing his black eyebrows closer to his beady eyes. Ralph then thrust the document towards my Step Dad’s out-stretched hand. Paul seemed to read the paper slowly as if he was taking in every single bit of detail. When he finally looked up, Mr. Peters and Ralph stared at him as if they were looking for any sign of emotion, but Paul just shrugged effortlessly.

Paul is cocky, big headed, annoying…so seeing him behaving so submissively was really odd. You usually can’t shut the loud mouth up, but he seems strangely quiet. Not that I should be defending him in the slightest after what he did.

Ralph’s frown deepened and Mr. Peters looked impatient. My Step Dad on the other hand, looked calm.
Without warning, the two men turned away from Paul and headed towards the gate. I darted down lower behind the bushes so as not to be seen. I don’t think it would have mattered if I had stood in front of them waving my arms around frantically in the air as they both looked preoccupied and deep in thought. When they had disappeared through the gate, I spun around to an empty back garden. My Step Dad was gone.

Moments later, having left the lane, I leant against the ancient brick wall opposite the front of my house. Looking over at the beach, I let my mind wander freely over the events of the past few weeks. I must have been gazing at the pebbled beach for about five minutes before my Step Dad raised his head from behind the wall. This took me so unaware that I almost tumbled over backwards.

“Gotcha,” he smiled.
“Not funny,” I said whilst straightening up, although I suppose it was quite funny.
“Lost your friends have you?” he said smiling.
“No,” I retorted sharply.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, raising his uni-brow. Well, it wasn’t quite a uni-brow, but I’d always taken the mickey out of him for it anyway.
“Nothing,” I replied, “I’ve just had a rough day.”
“Me too,” he said, trying to sympathise with me, unaware of the fact that I had seen him with Ralph and Mr. Peters.
“What have you been up to?” I said smiling, wondering if he was going to tell the truth.
“Just pottering around in the allotment mostly,” he replied.

What a liar! “So you haven’t seen Mr. Peter’s and Ralph today then?”
I could see his face start to twitch with nervousness. “No, why do you ask?”
“Well I saw you with them in the back garden today.”
“Yes and what if they were?” he asked with an edge to his voice.
“They just looked like…well you know… they…you know,” I stuttered anxiously, not knowing what to say.
“Well if you must know,” he interrupted, “we were discussing gardening tips.”
That lie wasn’t worth the effort. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from arguing back.
He ran his mud encrusted fingers through his crimson hair and bent down to pick up the trowel that lay abandoned on the seed littered earth. He then straightened himself up and turned to walk away.
“What are you hanging around here for anyway?” he asked abruptly, still facing away from me.
Huh, if he’s gonna be like that then I don’t have time for him. “Whatever,” I muttered as I turned to walk away. I couldn’t be bothered to argue today.
Just as I reached the front door though, he responded by shouting across the road.
“I’m beginning to think that mine and your mother’s decision was the right one.”

At his words, my stomach knotted and my head started to spin. I felt winded. My breathing in short gasps. How dare he?
When I reached my bedroom, my eyes were on the brink of releasing floods of tears. I finally admitted to myself that I couldn’t keep this bottled up inside anymore. I knew I had to tell someone.

I flung myself onto my bed and reached for my mobile on the bed side cabinet. When I had it in my grasp, I rolled onto my back and dialled.
After a few moments of desperately praying for an answer, the ringing stopped and I heard a safe, familiar voice.
“Hello,” she said in that fake phone voice.
“Hey Roxy, it’s Lily.”
“Oh, hiya Lily, what’s up?”
“Meet me at Smugglers watch, okay.”
“What? Why? When?” she replied, obviously puzzled.
“No time to explain, just meet me there in five minutes.”
“Okay,” she said, “five minutes.”
“Bye.”
I placed my mobile back onto the cabinet and looked down at my pink and black chequered duvet, seeing droplets of water and mascara soaking through the fabric. The floodgates had finally opened.

When I reached the final turning on the way up to Smugglers watch, a rush of anxiety spread through me. What if she doesn’t come? My breathing quickened with worry and the wind picked up, making my light blonde hair whip against my cheeks.
Thankfully though, my doubts were cast aside as I saw a delicate figure with black hair seated on the bench, her knees tucked up under her hoody. When she saw me, she sprung up and ran over to where I was standing, her cheeks rosy from the sea breeze.

“Hey,” she said when she reached me, but before I could even reply, she had flung her arms around me and I was unwillingly pulled towards her.
“You’ve been crying,” she said, stepping back to observe my face.
“How do you know?” I replied, my voice cracking.
“You’re mascara isn’t as water proof as it says.”
“What?”
“Well, most of it’s on your cheeks,” she smiled, “and unless that’s the fashion now...”

Oops. I had been in such a rush to meet Roxy that I hadn’t bothered to check what I had looked like before I’d left the house. I must look so stupid.
I smiled back at her meekly. “You’ve had highlights.”
“That was random,” she grinned. “And yes, do you like them?”
“They’re great,” I answered, willing my smile to stay put as the real reason that I was here crept back to the foreground of my mind. Roxy had been thinking about having her hair dyed for ages and I never thought that she would actually have it done. I have to say her black locks look amazing with the underneath and side fringe purple.
“Thanks,” she replied. “Now for the real reason that we’re here.”
“Where did you get them done?” I asked.
“Lily, stop changing the subject,” Roxy said, looking at me in annoyance. “Please tell me what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Roxy’s my best friend of seven years and I know that I can trust her with my life, but it doesn’t make this any easier. I know the news will devastate her. She’ll take it even harder than me.
“Well, if you’re gonna be like that,’ she replied, looking exasperated at my feeble answers.
“No, don’t go,” I pleaded, my eyes welling up with tears again.
“Oh Lily,” she said, cradling me into another hug. “Just tell me what’s wrong, please.”

I took a step back and sighed. Looking down at my brand new green Converse, I saw that they were caked in mud, but I wasn’t that bothered as I knew they could be cleaned up - unlike my current life situation.
I took a deep breath. “I’m moving away,” my lower lip beginning to tremble yet again.
“What!” shouted Roxy, “but how can you? I mean your Mum and Step Dad both work here in their florists. They can’t just pack up and leave the shop.” She looked dumbfounded, her eyes watering.
“No Roxy, you’ve got it wrong. My family’s staying here. I’m the one who’s moving,” and with that, my life was officially over. Telling Roxy had made it seem so much more final. This was really happening to me and there was no going back. I didn’t think that I had any tears left to cry, but my eyes proved otherwise.

“Why?” Roxy asked, her mascara all down her cheeks now too.
“They say it’s for the best. That I’ll be better off living with Dad in Bristol, but what do they know? They just hate me that’s all.”
“Don’t be silly,” Roxy soothed, trying to reassure me.
“No,” I replied, defiantly. “I know the real reason why I’m being forced out of my own home.” I looked over at Roxy whose pink sleeves were now stained black with her own mascara. Her dusty, blue eyes were swollen red. “It’s Paul. I know what he’s been up to.”


Thank you for reading!

One

I'm not sure why you put the chapter number here....

Realisation dawning, I quickly tried to hide behind a cluster of fisherman, holding my breath so as not to gag on the smell of the fresh fish, but she had already seen me and was making her way over with a scowl on her face.

It's spelled as realization...

“I said, Mum doesn’t even know I’m at the beach,” I retorted, rapidly losing my patience.

I would italicized "I said", just to emphasize it a little more...

Instead, she was now pestering a small, blonde haired girl who seemed to be trying to collect shells in a bucket.

Blonde haired sounds a little fancy...I wouldn't expect it from a teenager...Just say blonde maybe?

Reaching The Ship Inn on the corner of the road, I decided to take a detour behind the row of houses where I live. That way Mum wouldn’t see me. When I had gotten about half way up the hill, I realised that the gate to our garden was ajar.

It's spelled as realized...

I walked over to shut it, but as I got closer I could hear voices. I recognised the voice of my step Dad straight away and could also make out the voice of Ralph Lowe the landlord of The Ship Inn, but I couldn’t work out who the third voice belonged to.

It's spelled as recognize...Oh, and I love how you wrote out the word "third"...You won't believe how many people don't...xD

To my surprise the third man was Mr. Peters, the owner of the gift shop next to the old tea room. He was fiddling intensely with his grey, bushy moustache that hovered over his thin lips like a fly over a rubbish bin. Ralph was shuffling about on his feet nervously. Suddenly, Mr. Peters removed his bear-like hand from his moustache and placed it in the back pocket of his rather worn out looking jeans.

Isn't it spelled as mustache?

Ralph then thrust the document towards my step Dad’s out-stretched hand.

Outstretched doesn't have a hyphen. It's toward, not towards. Why is Dad capitalized? And, this is phrased awkwardly. I would make this "Then, Ralph thrust the document toward my step dad's outstretched hand."


I know that Paul’s my big headed step Dad who’s always right, but seeing him behaving like this is really odd.
Big-headed is one word and dad shouldn't be capitalized. I feel like it should be behave not behaving.

Ralph’s face showed worry and Mr. Peters looked impatient. My step Dad on the other hand, looked surprisingly calm for a man who was obviously being pressured.

Without warning, the two men turned away from my step Dad and headed towards the gate. I darted down lower behind the bushes so as not to be seen, but I don’t think it would have mattered if I had stood in front of them waving my arms around frantically in the air as they both looked preoccupied and deep in thought. When they had disappeared through the gate, I spun around to an empty back garden. My step Dad was gone.

Leaving the garden, I carried on up the hill behind my house until I reached the end of the lane. I had a decision to make. I could either go back home and forget about running away or I could carry on to where ever I was going to go. I leant against the ancient brick wall and looked over at the beach, letting my mind wander freely over the events of the past few weeks. I must have been gazing at the pebbled beach for about five minutes before I drew back, but as I was about to decide on where I was going to go, my step Dad raised his head from behind the wall. This took me so unaware that I almost tumbled over backwards.

“Gotcha,” he smiled.
“Not funny,” I said whilst straightening up, although I suppose it was quite funny.
“Lost your friends have you?” he said smiling.
“No,” I retorted sharply.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, looking slightly taken aback.
“Nothing,” I replied, “I’ve just had a rough day.”
“Me too,” he said, trying to sympathise with me, unaware of the fact that I had seen him with Ralph and Mr. Peters.
“What have you been up to?” I said smiling, wondering if he was going to tell the truth.
“Just pottering around in the allotment mostly,” he replied.
What a liar! “So you haven’t seen Mr. Peter’s and Ralph today then?”
I could see his face start to twitch with nervousness. “No, why do you ask?”
“Well I saw you with them in the back garden today.”
“Yes and what if they were?” he asked with an edge to his voice.
“They just looked like…well you know… they…you know,” I stuttered anxiously, not knowing what to say.
“Well if you must know,” he interrupted, “we were discussing gardening tips.”

That lie wasn’t worth the effort. I know there’s something going on, but he’s just not going to tell me.
He ran his mud encrusted fingers through his crimson hair that was flapping limply with the summer breeze and bent down to pick up the trowel that lay abandoned on the uneven earth, littered with slug pellets and a variation of seeds. He then straightened himself up and turned to walk away.

“What are you hanging around here for anyway?” he asked abruptly, still facing away from me.
Huh, if he’s gonna be like that then I don’t have time for him. “Whatever,” I muttered as I turned to walk away. To be honest, I can’t be bothered to argue today.
Just as I reached the front door though, he responded by shouting across the road.
“I’m beginning to think that mine and your mother’s decision was the right one.”
At his words, my stomach knotted and my head started to spin. I felt winded, my breathing in short gasps. How dare he?

When I reached my bedroom, my eyes were on the brink of releasing floods of tears. Finally admitting to myself that I couldn’t keep this bottled up inside me anymore, I knew I had to tell someone.

I flung myself onto my bed and reached for my mobile on my bed side cabinet. When I had it in my grasp, I rolled onto my back and dialled.
After a few moments of desperately praying for an answer, the internal ringing in my ears stopped and I heard a safe, familiar voice.
“Hello,” she said in that fake phone voice.
“Hey Roxy, it’s Lily.”
“Oh, hiya Lily, what’s up?”
“Meet me at Smugglers watch, okay.”
“What? Why? When?” she replied, obviously puzzled.
“No time to explain, just meet me there in five minutes.”
“Okay,” she replied, “five minutes.”
“Bye.”
I placed my mobile back onto the cabinet and looked down at my pink and black chequered duvet, seeing droplets of water soaking through the fabric. The floodgates had finally opened.

When I reached the final turning on the way up to Smugglers watch, a rush of anxiety spread over me. What if she doesn’t come? The grass was up to mid-calf and the wind picked up, making my light blonde hair whip against my cheeks.
Thankfully though, my doubts were cast aside as I saw a delicate figure with black hair seated on the bench, her knees tucked up under her hoody. When she saw me, she sprung up and ran over to where I was standing, her long, silky hair flowing behind her.

“Hey,” she said when she reached me, “what’s up?” But before I could answer, she had flung her arms around me and I was unwillingly pulled towards her.
“You’ve been crying,” she said, stepping back to observe my face. I fought back the blush that would confirm her suspicions.
“How do you know?” I replied, my voice cracking.
“You’re mascara isn’t as water proof as it says.”
“What?”
“Well, most of it’s on your cheeks,” she smiled, “and unless that’s the fashion now.”
Oops. I had been in such a rush to meet Roxy, that I hadn’t bothered to check what I had looked like before I’d left the house. I must look so stupid.
I smiled back at her meekly. “You’ve had highlights.”
“That was random,” she grinned, “and yes, do you like them?”
“They’re great,” I answered, willing my smile to stay put as I felt my stomach knot again. Roxy had been thinking about having her hair dyed for ages and I never thought that she would actually have it done, but I have to say her black locks look amazing with the underneath and side fringe purple.
“Thanks,” she replied. “Now for the real reason that we’re here.”
“Where did you get them done?” I asked.
“Lily, stop changing the subject,” Roxy said, looking at me in annoyance. “Now what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Roxy’s my best friend of seven years, but I really don’t want to tell her the news. It’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s that I know she’ll take it hard.
“Well, if you’re gonna be like that,’ she replied, looking exasperated at my feeble answers.
“No, don’t go,” I replied, my eyes welling up with tears again.
“Oh Lily,” she said, cradling me into another hug. “Just tell me what’s wrong, please.”

I took a step back and sighed. Looking down at my brand new green Converse, I saw that they were caked in mud, but I wasn’t that bothered as I knew they could be cleaned up, unlike my current life situation.
I took a deep breath. “I’m moving away,” I said regretfully, my lower lip beginning to tremble yet again.
“What!” shouted Roxy, “but how can you? I mean your Mum and step Dad both work here in their florists. They can’t just pack up and leave the shop.” She looked dumbfounded, her eyes watering.
“No Roxy, you’ve got it wrong. My family’s staying here. I’m the one who’s moving,” and with that, my life was officially over. I didn’t think that I had any tears left to cry, but my eyes proved otherwise.
“Why?” Roxy asked, her mascara all down her cheeks now too.
“They say it’s for the best. That I’ll be better off living with Dad in Bristol, but what do they know? They just hate me that’s all.”
“Don’t be silly,” Roxy soothed, trying to reassure me.
“No,” I replied, defiantly. “I know the real reason why I’m being forced out of my own home.” I looked over at Roxy whose pink sleeves were now black. Her dusty, blue eyes were swollen red. “It’s Paul. I know what he’s been up to.”

Thank you for reading![/quote]

Nice cliffhanger ending! (Except for its quite annoying as I want to know what happens ) I think this is pretty well written and doesn't really need much editing, I shall do my best though

With that, I turned on my heel and made for the slope leading away from the beach and up to the old fashioned village high street.
When I had reached the top of the slope, I looked back over my shoulder and saw that Pansy was no longer where I had left her.

I'd mention something imbertween these two sentences about struggling up the slope, maybe pebles slipping away beneath her as otherwise it goes by kind of quickly.

I turned my attention back to the high street and saw that the shops were buzzing with people of all ages like bees around honey, but it was always like this in the summer holidays.

I'd change the comma to a full stop or a dash and get rid of but. I'm not sure then if you would need to add a coma after ages.

He was fiddling intensely with his grey, bushy moustache that hovered over his thin lips like a fly over a rubbish bin.

really good similie! To me intensly doesn't seem to be the right word here, distractedly, thoughtfully, gravely or soberly might work better.

Mr. Peters and Ralph seemed to stare at him as if they were looking for any sign of emotion

In this paragraph you say 'seemed to' a few times but here I think it could just be missed out leaving the sentence as just 'Mr Peters and Ralph stared at him as if they were looking for any sign of emotion.'

Ralph’s face showed worry

It might be a bit more effective to show how he shows worry- is he biting his lip? wearing an even deeper frown?

He ran his mud encrusted fingers through his crimson hair that was flapping limply with the summer breeze

Flapping doesn't seem right to me, blowing might be a better replacement. If you changed this I'd also change 'with the' to 'in the'.

the internal ringing in my ears stopped

I know what you mean but this sounds a bit odd, 'the ringing on the other line' or even just 'the ringing' might work better.

“Okay,” she replied, “five minutes.”

As you have just said replied I'd change this one to said.

When I reached the final turning on the way up to Smugglers watch, a rush of anxiety spread over me. What if she doesn’t come? The grass was up to mid-calf and the wind picked up, making my light blonde hair whip against my cheeks.
Thankfully though, my doubts were cast aside as I saw a delicate figure with black hair seated on the bench, her knees tucked up under her hoody. When she saw me, she sprung up and ran over to where I was standing, her long, silky hair flowing behind her.

You mention a lot about hair here- I'd change the last sentence on it to something about maybe her cheeks being flushed or how she's running. I'd also swap 'anxiety spread over me' to 'anxiety spread through me'.

I took a step back and sighed. Looking down at my brand new green Converse, I saw that they were caked in mud, but I wasn’t that bothered as I knew they could be cleaned up, unlike my current life situation.

I'd change the last comma to a dash.

Overall comments: Like I said the ending to this chapter is really good I like your story alot so far- I'm very interested in seeing where it's going. I think you have introduce the characters quite well so far, I'd like to know more on how the stepdad looks but I'm sure thats probably to come There's not really much that could be overall improved- I think this part to the story is very well developed. One thing I would like to mention is that a few times You would say how the main character was currently feeling whilst talking about the past- it confused me a little. I'm a bit unsure in this area so I would ask for some advice whether it makes sense like that or not, for instance- 'I don’t know why, but this made me feel uneasy. I know that Paul’s my big headed step Dad who’s always right, but seeing him behaving like this is really odd' I'm not sure if the is should be was.

Alot of the coments I have made are just my opinion, hope I've helped! *star*

Here as requested!

As the crashing, blue waves retreated from the pebbled beach, I felt as if my life was drifting away with them.

Nice opening!

When I drew back from the foaming water, I noticed a small, red haired figure coming towards me wearing a pink and green polka dot swimming costume. There was no doubt about it. It was Pansy. Realisation dawning, I quickly tried to hide behind a cluster of fisherman, holding my breath so as not to gag on the smell of the fresh fish, but she had already seen me and was making her way over with a scowl on her face.

~ From such a good hook opening to... nothing. It's so detached I re-read this to make sure there was such a sharp shift. Give us a hint as to what's wrong with her life please. ^_^

~ Who is Pansy? You describe her and have her talking to your MC, but you don't actually give her a relation to anybody.

~ After "It was Pansy" you have a sentence that is almost three lines long. Points for knowing how to make a long grammatically correct sentence, but don't make them so long we have a hard time following, kay?

Pansy’s scowl lifted and was replaced by a smile so broad it showed off her missing front teeth. “You’re gonna be in trouble,” she sang childishly at me.

I tend not to like tags both in front and behind dialogue. Actions should give the tone for a character's words.

Pansy gasped and put her hand over her mouth dramatically like the drama queen she is. “I’m gonna tell Mum.”

"Dramatically" and "drama queen" cancel each other out here. I would nix "dramatically" since the only description we really need is her being a drama-queen. ^_^

With that, I turned on my heel and made for the slope leading away from the beach and up to the old fashioned village high street.

~ Wouldn't turning on your heel on a pebbly beach hurt your feet? (I always think beach-goers are barefoot.)

~ Overly-long sentence again.

Beer was full of hills,

Sorry, as soon as I see "beer" I think of alcohol. Methinks it's a town in England somewhere?

Instead, she was now pestering a small, blonde haired girl who seemed to be trying to collect shells in a bucket.

Why is this important? Is Pansy a demanding brat to everybody? Since we don't have any history on her, it's hard to tell why she does things. Although after reading farther, I believe Pansy is Paul's daughter?

I decided to take a detour behind the row of houses where I live.

Hmm, she's trying to stay away from her house? How does she see that the garden gate is ajar then?

recognised the voice of my step Dad straight away and could also make out the voice of Ralph Lowe, the landlord of The Ship Inn,

~ The "step" in "step Dad" should be capitalized, since it's referring to a specific person. Do that throughout the work.

~ Grammar change in bold. (added a comma after "Lowe")

Opting to be nosy, I poked my head around the side of the gate and sure enough I saw my step Dad Paul and the landlord Ralph, but I still couldn’t identify the third figure. I decided to move round to the rose bushes to get a better view.

Call this being overly nit-picky if you wish, but you've used "around" and "'round" in the same paragraph. Since they technically mean the same thing, I would pick one spelling and use it. Or, if you think that both will be used throughout the story, don't make the different spellings right on top of each other. ^_^

He was fiddling thoughtfully with his grey, bushy moustache that hovered over his thin lips like a fly over a rubbish bin.

I have a hard time picturing this description....

Suddenly, Mr. Peters removed his bear-like hand from his moustache and placed it in the back pocket of his rather worn out looking jeans.

Since you mention the moustache, I thought it was uncovered. When we find out it's covered, we do a double-take.

he even stopped shuffling and frowned forcing his black eyebrows closer to his beady eyes.

Comma after "frowned."

Mr. Peters and Ralph stared at him as if they were looking for any sign of emotion, but he just shrugged effortlessly.

"He" could stand for any one of the three men here. Replace with the proper noun to avoid confusion.

I don’t know why, but this made me feel uneasy. [...] Not that I should be defending him in the slightest after what he did.

I find these two sentences cancel each other out. If she knows Paul's done something wrong, why would something out-of-character make her feel uneasy?

My step Dad on the other hand, looked surprisingly calm for a man who was obviously being pressured.

The reason I don't like seeing "obviously" in prose is because it either points something out to the reader that was obvious without any extra mention, or it emphasizes something that would need more emphasis in the first place. Your case is the later. I see no real clue that Paul is being pressured.

I darted down lower behind the bushes so as not to be seen, but I don’t think it would have mattered if I had stood in front of them waving my arms around frantically in the air as they both looked preoccupied and deep in thought.

Long sentence here. Break it up. A good place would be deleting the comma but (in bold) and replacing them with a period.

Leaving the garden, I carried on up the hill behind my house until I reached the end of the lane. I had a decision to make. I could either go back home and forget about running away or I could carry on to where ever I was going to go. I leant against the ancient brick wall and looked over at the beach, letting my mind wander freely over the events of the past few weeks. I must have been gazing at the pebbled beach for about five minutes before I drew back, but as I was about to decide on where I was going to go, my step Dad raised his head from behind the wall.

~ As soon as I read "I reached the end of the lane" I thought she was a few houses down. It threw me to find out her step-dad was right there.

~ "Running away" and "carry on to where ever I was going to go" mean the same thing to me. I found this paragraph confusing because of that fact.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, looking slightly taken aback.

Instead of telling us he looked slightly taken aback, why not show us? Did his head jerk? Eyebrows shoot up? Just one eyebrow going up? It would not only make your prose richer, but also give us some characterization on Paul. ^_^

I know there’s something going on, but he’s just not going to tell me.

~ If this is her thoughts, it should be in italics.

~ Later on you contradict yourself by saying she knows what Paul's up to. With first person you have to be pretty careful that you drop hints without contradicting yourself.

He ran his mud encrusted fingers through his crimson hair that was blowing limply in the summer breeze and bent down to pick up the trowel that lay abandoned on the uneven earth, littered with slug pellets and a variation of seeds.

Whoa. Adjective overload in here. Strangely, when you break up sentences, a lot of adjectives is suddenly a lot less overwhelming.

To be honest, I can’t be bothered to argue today.

~ You change tense here. "Can't" should be "couldn't," since these aren't her thoughts.

~ Your first-person style is slowly changing from her simply thinking to her talking to the audience. This is where the change is really evident. Since you haven't really established the new style yet, I would delete "to be honest" or rewrite the beginning so she's talking to us earlier.

Just as I reached the front door though, he responded by shouting across the road.
“I’m beginning to think that mine and your mother’s decision was the right one.”

Huh? So their front door is across the road from their back door? Or did Paul simply sneak up on her?

Explain this please. ^_^

Finally admitting to myself that I couldn’t keep this bottled up inside me anymore, I knew I had to tell someone.

I would make this two separate sentences so things feel more rushed and immediate. A rule of thumb I use is: The more panic/urgency you want to show, the shorter you make your sentences. This works especially well after a bunch of long sentences. Doubles the effect, at least. ^_^

I flung myself onto my bed and reached for my mobile on my bed side cabinet.

"My" is a wee bit repetitive here. "My mobile" and "my bed" are almost on top of each other too; that's what I find makes it repetitive. Replace one of those "my"s with "the." Since we've gotten some "my"s already, it'll be pretty clear those are her things.

and looked down at my pink and black chequered duvet, seeing droplets of water soaking through the fabric.

Her mascara is running, yes? Wouldn't that show up on the pink? Or does the water only land on the black squares?

What if she doesn’t come? The grass was up to mid-calf and the wind picked up, making my light blonde hair whip against my cheeks.

These two sentences are rather detached, in my opinion. "What if she doesn't come?" is an anxiety, while the description that follows is just that, a description. If you put something like the grass being so long one of them might not see the other, it would help with the detachment.

“Hey,” she said when she reached me, “what’s up?”

Your tag is a little off here. The comma after "me" should be a period, and "what's" should be capitalized.

But before I could answer, she had flung her arms around me and I was unwillingly pulled towards her.
“You’ve been crying,” she said, stepping back to observe my face.

These actions seem counter-intuitive to me. Wouldn't Roxy have noticed that Lily had been crying earlier?

I fought back the blush that would confirm her suspicions.
“How do you know?” I replied, my voice cracking.

Again, these actions seem counter-intuitive. If she doesn't want to confirm Roxy's suspicions, why does she ask in the first place?

I had been in such a rush to meet Roxy, that I hadn’t

You can delete this comma.

I must look so stupid.

Thoughts should always been in italics, dear.

“That was random,” she grinned, “and yes, do you like them?”

This tag is another that needs to be fixed. Check my earlier nit-pick for details. ^_^

“They’re great,” I answered, willing my smile to stay put as I felt my stomach knot again. Roxy had been thinking about having her hair dyed for ages and I never thought that she would actually have it done, but I have to say her black locks look amazing with the underneath and side fringe purple.

~ The tag plus the rest of the description equals an unfinished idea. Why is her stomach knotting?

~ The bloded bit is all in present tense, while bit before it is past. Each sentence should have one tense only.

Thanks,” she replied. “Now for the real reason that we’re here.” [...] Roxy said, looking at me in annoyance. “Now what’s wrong?”

Roxy has used "now" twice when talking about Lily's odd behaviour. Just thought I'd point that out, since it seems a bit unnatural.

“Nothing.” Roxy’s my best friend of seven years, but I really don’t want to tell her the news. It’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s that I know she’ll take it hard.

~ The tag is in present tense.

~ You've contradicted yourself here. First, Lily had to tell somebody her news. Now, she doesn't want to tell anymore? Explain the shift a bit more, or just rewrite things so there is no need for a shift. ^_^

I took a deep breath. “I’m moving away,” I said regretfully, my lower lip beginning to tremble yet again.

This dialogue is double-tagged. Now, in this case, I don't mind the double-ness as much. What I do mind is "said." I would delete the whole "I said regretfully" bit and make the rest able to stand on it's own.

and with that, my life was officially over.

So, actually voicing the problem makes it a reality? Wouldn't her moving be a reality in the first place? Explain this sentence a bit more please. ^_^

I looked over at Roxy whose pink sleeves were now black.

With that description, I thought that her whole sleeve was now black. Put some more description in there so we know her sleeves are black from Lily's mascara.

~~

Contradictions: In your hints at to what is going on, you tend to contradict yourself later on. I've pointed out those locations, and it would be an excellent balancing act if you could drop hints and not contradict yourself.

Characters: I enjoyed them. It was a bit hard to get into their personalities because you told us about their reactions/actions instead of showing us their reactions/actions. Something that would help with this is the addition of more action tags (tags that do not contain said and are usually in front of the dialogue.)

Their dialogue and such seemed pretty real, as well. Your MC talking to herself (well, us) at the end threw me a bit, since that's not established early on, but other then that it was very real.

Plot: I am very interested in this plot you have. It will be interesting to see if it plays out the way I think it will (which isn't a bad thing, ) or if you'll take it on some massive twist.

Explanation: I'd like to see a bit more explanation to the choices your MC makes, especially the sudden shifts in mood. Why does she think this about that person? Why does she choose to go back home and not run away? Characters are about 90% emotion, but since emotions rarely make sense to other people, take the time to explain every shift properly. ^_^ Your readers will thank you for it.

Long sentences: You tend to make really long, adjective loaded sentences-- frequently. Once and awhile those don't hurt, but those sentences all the time just bog a work down. I've pointed out the really long ones that could stand to be broken up.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hey! Mimi here as requested
Ok so the bold parts are my comments, underlined things are stuff I have added and crossed out things are... crossed out.

As the crashing, blue waves retreated from the pebbled beach, I felt as if my life was drifting away with them. Great introduction


My mind still ached from trying to take in what had happened over the last few weeks. None of it was my fault, yet it was my life that was being turned upside down. I kicked angrily at the ground, causing a few loose pebbles to fall into the sea with a loud plop. Sighing, I felt the pent up frustration trying to create tears. I wouldn’t let it though. That’s what he wanted and I wasn’t going to give in. Great job in keeping the reader's attention to the story. This paragraph was great and flowed well


Turning abruptly from the foaming water, almost immediately I noticed a small, red haired figure coming towards me. Hmm... not too sure about that last sentence. Maybe it would be better off as: I turned abruptly from the foaming sea and almost immediately noticed a small, red haired figure coming towards me. But it's up to you whether or not you think that sounds right. The pink and green polka dot swimming costume was unmistakable. It was Pansy; my annoying brat of a half sister. Realisation dawning, I quickly tried to hide behind a cluster of fisherman, holding my breath so as not to gag on the smell of the fresh fish. Unfortunately though, she had already seen me and was making her way over with a scowl on her face.


“Mum says you’ve got to buy me an ice cream,” she ordered, coming to a halt in front of me and placing her hands on her hips. You immediately show how bratty the half sister is. This is great because you are basically giving proof to what you said earlier about her.

“Liar,” I replied casually, “Mum doesn’t even know I’m at the beach.”

Pansy slid her hands off of her hips and folded them across her stomach, glaring at me intensely. She wasn’t about to back down.

“What?”

“I said, Mum doesn’t even know I’m at the beach,” I retorted, rapidly losing my patience.

Pansy’s scowl lifted and was replaced by a smile so broad it showed off her missing front teeth. “You’re gonna be in trouble.”

“Well I don’t care,” I shrugged impatiently, “I’m running away.”

Pansy gasped and put her hand over her mouth like the drama queen she is. “I’m gonna tell Mum.”

“I don’t care, I’ve made up my mind,” I retaliated quickly.


With that, I spun around and made for the slope leading away from the beach. My calf muscles began to ache as I started to climb the steep, concrete road that was the only way to and from the beach. Beer was full of hills,"Beer" was full of hills? I don't understand this... Is beer the name of the village/town? even the beach was angled downwards towards the sea.


When I had finally reached the top of the slope, I turned my attention to the high street. The shops were buzzing with people of all ages, like bees around honey.I loved that last line It was always like this in the summer holidays.


Reaching The Ship Inn on the corner of the road, I decided to take the path that my house backed onto. When I had gotten about half way up the hill though, I realised that the gate to our garden was ajar. I walked over to shut it, but as I got closer I heard voices. I recognised the voice of my Step Dad straight away and could also make out the voice of Ralph Lowe, the landlord of The Ship Inn, but I couldn’t work out who the third voice belonged to.


Opting to be nosy, I poked my head around the side of the gate and sure enough I saw my Step Dad Paul and the landlord Ralph, but I still couldn’t identify the third figure. I decided to move around to the rose bushes to get a better view.


To my surprise the third man was Mr. Peters, the owner of the gift shop next to the old tea room. He was fiddling thoughtfully with his grey, bushy moustache that hovered over his thin lips like a fly over a rubbish bin. Again... Last line was great Ralph was shuffling about on his feet nervously. Suddenly, Mr. Peters removed his bear-like hand from his moustache and placed it in the back pocket of his rather worn out looking jeans. A moment later his hand was back in view with a piece of paper in its grasp. He passed the paper to Ralph who seemed to read it with interest, he even stopped shuffling and frowned, forcing his black eyebrows closer to his beady eyes. Ralph then thrust the document towards my Step Dad’s out-stretched hand. Paul seemed to read the paper slowly as if he was taking in every single bit of detail. When he finally looked up, Mr. Peters and Ralph stared at him as if they were looking for any sign of emotion, but Paul just shrugged effortlessly.


I know that Paul’s my big headed Step Dad who’s always right, but seeing him behaving like this was really odd.That last sentence was a bit confusing.. try rephrase it because I had to read it two or three times before it made sense to me. You usually can’t shut the loud mouth up, but he seems strangely quiet. Not that I should be defending him in the slightest after what he did.


Ralph’s frown deepened and Mr. Peters looked impatient. My Step Dad on the other hand, looked calm.

Without warning, the two men turned away from Paul and headed towards the gate. I darted down lower behind the bushes so as not to be seen. I don’t think it would have mattered if I had stood in front of them waving my arms around frantically in the air as they both looked preoccupied and deep in thought. When they had disappeared through the gate, I spun around to an empty back garden. My Step Dad was gone.


Moments later, having left the lane, I leant against the ancient brick wall opposite the front of my house. Looking over at the beach, I let my mind wander freely over the events of the past few weeks. I must have been gazing at the pebbled beach for about five minutes before my Step Dad raised his head from behind the wall. This took me so unaware that I almost tumbled over backwards.


“Gotcha,” he smiled.

“Not funny,” I said whilst straightening up, although I suppose it was quite funny.

“Lost your friends have you?” he said smiling.

“No,” I retorted sharply.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, raising his uni-brow. Well, it wasn’t quite a uni-brow, but I’d always taken the mickey out of him for it anyway.

“Nothing,” I replied, “I’ve just had a rough day.”

“Me too,” he said, trying to sympathise with me, unaware of the fact that I had seen him with Ralph and Mr. Peters.

“What have you been up to?” I said smiling, wondering if he was going to tell the truth.

“Just pottering around in the allotment mostly,” he replied.


What a liar! “So you haven’t seen Mr. Peter’s and Ralph today then?”

I could see his face start to twitch with nervousness. “No, why do you ask?”

“Well I saw you with them in the back garden today.”

“Yes and what if they were?” he asked with an edge to his voice.

“They just looked like…well you know… they…you know,” I stuttered anxiously, not knowing what to say.

“Well if you must know,” he interrupted, “we were discussing gardening tips.”

That lie wasn’t worth the effort. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from arguing back.

He ran his mud encrusted fingers through his crimson hair and bent down to pick up the trowel that lay abandoned on the seed littered earth. He then straightened himself up and turned to walk away.

“What are you hanging around here for anyway?” he asked abruptly, still facing away from me.

Huh, if he’s gonna be like that then I don’t have time for him. “Whatever,” I muttered as I turned to walk away. I couldn’t be bothered to argue today.

Just as I reached the front door though, he responded by shouting across the road.

“I’m beginning to think that mine and your mother’s decision was the right one.”


At his words, my stomach knotted and my head started to spin. I felt winded. My breathing in short gasps. How dare he?

When I reached my bedroom, my eyes were on the brink of releasing floods of tears. I finally admitted to myself that I couldn’t keep this bottled up inside anymore. I knew I had to tell someone.


I flung myself onto my bed and reached for my mobile on the bed side cabinet. When I had it in my grasp, I rolled onto my back and dialled.

After a few moments of desperately praying for an answer, the ringing stopped and I heard a safe, familiar voice.

“Hello,” she said in that fake phone voice.

“Hey Roxy, it’s Lily.”

“Oh, hiya Lily, what’s up?”

“Meet me at Smugglers watch, okay.”

“What? Why? When?” she replied, obviously puzzled.

“No time to explain, just meet me there in five minutes.”

“Okay,” she said, “five minutes.”

“Bye.”

I placed my mobile back onto the cabinet and looked down at my pink and black chequered duvet, seeing droplets of water and mascara soaking through the fabric. The floodgates had finally opened.


When I reached the final turning on the way up to Smugglers watch, a rush of anxiety spread through me. What if she doesn’t come? My breathing quickened with worry and the wind picked up, making my light blonde hair whip against my cheeks.

Thankfully though, my doubts were cast aside as I saw a delicate figure with black hair seated on the bench, her knees tucked up under her hoody. When she saw me, she sprung up and ran over to where I was standing, her cheeks rosy from the sea breeze.


“Hey,” she said when she reached me, but before I could even reply, she had flung her arms around me and I was unwillingly pulled towards her.

“You’ve been crying,” she said, stepping back to observe my face.

“How do you know?” I replied, my voice cracking.

“You’re mascara isn’t as water proof as it says.”

“What?”

“Well, most of it’s on your cheeks,” she smiled, “and unless that’s the fashion now.” I think you should do a: '...' after 'and unless that's the fashion now. Would make it better I think.


Oops. I had been in such a rush to meet Roxy that I hadn’t bothered to check what I had looked like before I’d left the house. I must look so stupid.

I smiled back at her meekly. “You’ve had highlights.”

“That was random,” she grinned. “And yes, do you like them?”

“They’re great,” I answered, willing my smile to stay put as the real reason that I was here crept back to the foreground of my mind. Roxy had been thinking about having her hair dyed for ages and I never thought that she would actually have it done. I have to say her black locks look amazing with the underneath and side fringe purple.

“Thanks,” she replied. “Now for the real reason that we’re here.”

“Where did you get them done?” I asked.

“Lily, stop changing the subject,” Roxy said, looking at me in annoyance. “Please tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Roxy’s my best friend of seven years and I know that I can trust her with my life, but it doesn’t make this any easier. I know the news will devastate her. She’ll take it even harder than me. The 'even' is just a suggestion

“Well, if you’re gonna be like that,’ she replied, looking exasperated at my feeble answers.

“No, don’t go,” I pleaded, my eyes welling up with tears again.

“Oh Lily,” she said, cradling me into another hug. “Just tell me what’s wrong, please.”


I took a step back and sighed. Looking down at my brand new green Converse, I saw that they were caked in mud, but I wasn’t that bothered as I knew they could be cleaned up - unlike my current life situation.

I took a deep breath. “I’m moving away,” my lower lip beginning to tremble yet again.

“What!” shouted Roxy, “but how can you? I mean your Mum and Step Dad both work here in their florists.Is 'florist' supposed to be plural here? They can’t just pack up and leave the shop.” She looked dumbfounded, her eyes watering.

“No Roxy, you’ve got it wrong. My family’s staying here. I’m the one who’s moving,” and with that, my life was officially over. Telling Roxy had made it seem so much more final. This was really happening to me and there was no going back. I didn’t think that I had any tears left to cry, but my eyes proved otherwise.


“Why?” Roxy asked, her mascara all down her cheeks now too.

“They say it’s for the best. That I’ll be better off living with Dad in Bristol, but what do they know? They just hate me that’s all.”

“Don’t be silly,” Roxy soothed, trying to reassure me.

“No,” I replied, defiantly. “I know the real reason why I’m being forced out of my own home.” I looked over at Roxy whose pink sleeves were now stained black with her own mascara. Her dusty, blue eyes were swollen red. “It’s Paul. I know what he’s been up to.”

Great job!
I could not really find that many mistakes except for the few nitpicks I found.

Characters
You brought out all the character's personalities well. The only thing I got a bit confused about is the relationship between Lily and her step dad. At first he's joking around with her and suddenly they're having a row? I guess I can't really tell how their relationship is yet but I found it to be sort of on the edge of a cliff... With the slightest nudge they could go either way. Have a fight or be all happy with each other. This is actually pretty cool once you continue with it etc. I also loved Roxy by the way .

Plot
I love how you kept things as a secret sort of, did not give much away but only gave hints until the very end.

Grammar
Not much wrong here except for one or two things I pointed out above.

I really enjoyed reading this. The entire piece flowed beautifully and you did awesome at describing stuff!
Keep up the awesome work.
PM me if you need any other reviews or have any questions.
xxmimixx

My main review is in the word document, but here are some things I picked up on whiclst reading through it:

Pansy & Roxy
I would like some more background incorporated into these two characters to make them a little more 3D. Even if you don’t do it in this chapter (as it is only the first chapter after all), you need to add in more MC experiences with these two characters.

Mum?
Lily and Pansy’s mum was mentioned only once (between the conversation that Pans and Lily had at the start), and I didn’t get a feel of what your MC thought/feels towards her mum. Do they have a good relationship, in which they tell each other everything (and then why is that)? Or a bad one where they hardly ever talk (again, and why)? Or just one where they get along fine, but Lily keeps everything that happens in her life a secret to her (and again, why)? Or just a bit of all of them… You decide!! This is your character, and remember, the character defines the relationship and what happens in the novel!! =D

Lucyy’s grammar lecture
I’m going to give you a little grammar lecture (don’t get too excited! =P) on when to end your speech in full stops instead of commas, so here goes … (:
“I don’t know.” He shrugged – I have ended this speech in a full stop (or an exclamation/question mark if necessary) as the speech is followed by an action. Also, when a speech is followed by an action, the start of the following word must be capitalized.
“Let’s see,” she said – this speech is ended in a comma, as you’re describing how the speech was said. Also, when the following words after a speech are describing the speech, the first word must never be capitalized, even if the speech ends in an exclamation/question mark. For example:
“I don’t know!” she shouted.
My grammar lecture has now ended (: I hope everything made sense to you =D

Step-dad vs. step-dad…
My step dad = no capitals
Lily’s step-dad = no capitals
Step-dad (a direct indication, e.g. if Lily were to call him: “Step-dad!”) = capitals

The same goes for Mum:
“Mum, what are you doing?” = capitals
Lily’s mum = no capitals
My mum = no capitals
Simple, eh? =P

Overall Thoughts
This was very enjoyable to read and I love your style of writing and the way you casually slip details in to keep us readers on the edge of our seats – it’s just great!! If you just try and read over your work a couple of times (even reading it aloud helps to gain a different perspective, and it’s also really helpful ) so you can see if you’ve missed something out, or something’s a bit vague, or whatever so you can change it then it will be totally perfect!! You’re a great writer, so keep this up!! I hope this review helps you out and please don’t hesitate to PM me if you need any further help or have any questions at all, please just ask me, I’ll always be happy to help out!! =D

Good luck with this piece and Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx

Hey! Here’s your requested critique as a prize for entering CIA’s February contest before the 15th. I know – I’m super late, but better late than never, si?

Anyways, you said you thought this was missing something, and you’re right – it’s missing emotion. You have her cry and storm off and go through all the motions, but I don’t really believe it. I don’t feel what she feels.

Build up her emotions more, in addition to the five senses. Is she scared – does every sound feel amplified? Can she hardly hear a thing she’s crying so hard? Does she run so fast she falls and scrapes her knee, then feels the blood trickle down her burning leg, adding to the mental hurt?

Things around us help show our emotions. Right now, outside my window is a gorgeous day. I’m in a great mood, so it’s mirroring me. If I were in a bad mood, it could be mocking me, saying it’s happy when I’m not, showing that I can’t go outside and enjoy it – whatever. Anything can fit any emotion – it’s your job as a writer to alter it so it does fit smoothly.

Also, conversations are supposed to be natural, but they’re not supposed to be copied from real life. Every word should keep the plot moving. So yes, her asking where her friend got her highlights is great, because it shows she’s avoiding the subject, but her friend saying ‘that was random’ feels too much like real life.

Finally, start with more of a bang. Let her allow her emotions to get the better of her. Have her whip rocks into the ocean and scream and run away – anything! Build it up, and then, once you have us hooked, slowly cut back on the drama so you can tell us the unbiased facts.

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

Hey Dudette

I don't have that much time, but I'm going to see how much of a review I can write in any case. I'm only going to point out glaring disturbances in the actual reading matter, and will attempt to give you my basic impression of the piece.

xDudettex wrote:Sighing, I felt the pent up frustration trying to create tears.

You sigh subconsciously, your narrator doesn't notice herself sighing.

It was Pansy; my annoying brat of a half sister.

I think that a comma might better replace this semi-colon.

Realisation dawning, I quickly tried to hide behind a cluster of fisherman, holding my breath so as not to gag on the smell of the fresh fish. Unfortunately though, she had already seen me and was making her way over with a scowl on her face.

This seems remarkably flat. There is no emotion when you say this, and all I can advise is for you to elaborate. The "Unfortunately though," doesn't quite cut it.

“Mum says you’ve got to buy me an ice cream,” she ordered, coming to a halt in front of me and placing her hands on her hips.

At the end of the day what you want to do is to get the words across. We can guess that she "ordered" it as your words are emotive enough. Therefore, I think you should stick to "said." Also what is it about her putting her hands on her hips that you as the narrator notice? Is it an act of arrogance? Tell us how you feel about it.

“Liar,” I replied casually, “Mum doesn’t even know I’m at the beach.”

How often do you notice the tone of voice that you're speaking in? I'm sure it's not as often as your narrator does. Nix the "casually."

Pansy’s scowl lifted and was replaced by a smile so broad it showed off her missing front teeth.

Perhaps it's just me, but I think even a small smile should show off her missing front teeth.

I recognised the voice of my Step Dad straight away

You don't need to capitalize step dad.

Opting to be nosy, I poked my head around the side of the gate and sure enough I saw my Step Dad Paul and the landlord Ralph, but I still couldn’t identify the third figure. I decided to move around to the rose bushes to get a better view.

I suggest that you introduce these two properly the first time as this is kind of repetitive.

He was fiddling thoughtfully with his grey, bushy moustache that hovered over his thin lips like a fly over a rubbish bin.

While this simile is no doubt effective, I can't help but feel that it isn't one your persona would feel in this situation.

Paul is cocky, big headed, annoying…so seeing him behaving so submissively was really odd. You usually can’t shut the loud mouth up, but he seems strangely quiet. Not that I should be defending him in the slightest after what he did.

This change in tense is a little uncomfortable. I would stick to the past tense as I don't really think that there is any reason to change tenses like you've done.

I don’t think it would have mattered if I had stood in front of them waving my arms around frantically in the air as they both looked preoccupied and deep in thought.

This sentence seems a little interruptive. I'd cut it out. But if not, at least add “Post facto,” or something similar at the beginning of the sentence.

When they had disappeared through the gate, I spun around to an empty back garden. My Step Dad was gone.

Get more personal. Call him by his name.

“Gotcha,” he smiled.
“Not funny,” I said whilst straightening up, although I suppose it was quite funny.
“Lost your friends have you?” he said smiling.
“No,” I retorted sharply.

This is great. I love it.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, raising his uni-brow. Well, it wasn’t quite a uni-brow, but I’d always taken the mickey out of him for it anyway.

Why do you notice it as a unibrow now? Elaborate a little. Maybe it grosses you out? Etc.

What a liar! “So you haven’t seen Mr. Peter’s and Ralph today then?”
I could see his face start to twitch with nervousness. “No, why do you ask?”

I think this is a little too blatant.

“I’m beginning to think that mine and your mother’s decision was the right one.”

Did he doubt it?

At his words, my stomach knotted and my head started to spin. I felt winded. My breathing in short gasps. How dare he?

This doesn't seem built up enough and looks a little artificial.

I placed my mobile back onto the cabinet and looked down at my pink and black chequered duvet, seeing droplets of water and mascara soaking through the fabric.

I think that checkered is spelled like I've done now... I'm not sure though.

“You’re mascara isn’t as water proof as it says.”

“Your”. She is not mascara!

“Nothing.” Roxy’s my best friend of seven years and I know that I can trust her with my life, but it doesn’t make this any easier. I know the news will devastate her. She’ll take it even harder than me.
“Well, if you’re gonna be like that,’ she replied, looking exasperated at my feeble answers.

Try a response more along the lines of: “Well if that's the case I'll just go back home.”

I took a step back and sighed. Looking down at my brand new green Converse, I saw that they were caked in mud, but I wasn’t that bothered as I knew they could be cleaned up - unlike my current life situation.

These cheesy comparisons don't work when your character is so depressed.

“Why?” Roxy asked, her mascara all down her cheeks now too.

You're too melodramatic. Try, “her eyes had gone a little teary as well.”

“No,” I replied, defiantly. “I know the real reason why I’m being forced out of my own home.” I looked over at Roxy whose pink sleeves were now stained black with her own mascara. Her dusty, blue eyes were swollen red. “It’s Paul. I know what he’s been up to.”

A very nice ending

Overall
Characters: To be perfectly honest I couldn't really feel your character. I couldn't quite capture her personality as there were several inconsistencies. I think you could improve this by limiting your description to only what a character in her position would feel. Also, don't describe things that she wouldn't notice, and try to give us a little more depth when you describe something she would notice.

Description: You have gone very out of your way to describe certain things. Take this quote for instance.

Paul is cocky, big headed, annoying

Try incorporate sentences like this into your narration of the actual story. You don't want to interrupt our reading of the story itself.

Feel and Emotion: I don't think you quite achieve the desired reality here. You need to add more emotion. You can do this by focusing the chapter more. This means a little less all over the place. Only describe things necessary for this part of the story. The rest you can describe later as we need to know this. What you do describe, describe vividly.

Dialogue: Great. Because your dialogue is so good, you can afford to replace most of your tags with “said”. It's emotive enough for us to read without needing the tags and we get to focus on the dialogue.

Overall: I don't like this quite as much as your untitled story, but it does certainly have potential. You need to work on this quite a bit, but I have every faith that you'll produce a great piece.