Young Writers Society

The party was at Bridget Summer’s house. It was a big ranch-style home, situated on the outskirts of town. Her closest neighbor was nearly a mile away. When they arrived, light flooded the front yard and Veronica could hear the pulse of hip hop music. Nervous, she pulled on the hem of her shirt as Keith led her up the front walk. He knocked on the front door, Veronica standing off to the side in the shadows.
A boy answered the door, with a beer can in his hand and Cherie Sena plastered to his side. She giggled as she swayed, trying to keep her balance. “Hey!” The boy shouted. “It’s the new guy!”
“What’s up?” Keith smiled, slapping the kids hand in some sort of secret handshake. Veronica managed to slip in before the door was slammed shut.
Bridget glided into the entry way, wearing a seductive baby blue sweater dress. She eyed Veronica for just a minute, before practically throwing herself into Keith’s arms. “Want something to drink?” She asked, drawing a circle on his chest with her manicured fingernail.
Veronica knew this had been a bad idea. She didn’t belong here. Regardless how she looked or who she associated with, Veronica was still a Nobody. She was about to leave when a hand grabbed hers. Keith looked down at her, smiling reassuringly. “Come on, let’s get a drink.”
Bridget lead them into the living room where there was a cooler of beer. “We have beer, vodka, tequila, anything sound good?”
“I’ll take a beer.” Keith looked down at Veronica. She didn’t want to admit to him she had never drank before. Oh, sure she had a few sips of champagne at her Aunt’s wedding. Kayla convinced her to smoke pot once, but she had been so paranoid she hadn’t done it again.
“Beer is fine,” Veronica chimed in. Bridget handed Keith his beer and then thrust one at Veronica, splashing her with foam. She took a tentative sip, trying not to gag on the bitter taste. Keith eyed her and she took a big gulp.
“Chug! Chug! Chug!” The shouts of several guys rose above the throbbing music as two girls competed to see who could drink their beer faster.
“Hey you!” Holly was wearing a tank top and Daisy Duke cut-offs, like it wasn’t the middle of winter.
“Hi, uh, Holly?” Veronica was pleased when Keith couldn’t recall her name right away.
“Hey, their doing shots in the kitchen. Come do one with me.” Holly was tugging on his hand. Veronica followed, feeling like a lost puppy.
She watched as six of her classmates downed shots of tequila before popping wedges of lime into their mouth. “Come on Veronica!” Keith said after a few shots. He thrust a shot glass of clear liquid in her hand.
“One, two, three!” Someone counted it out and Veronica dumped the drink down her throat. Her eyes watered as it scorched her throat, but she had no time to recover as another drink was forced into her hand.
The rest of the night was a frenzied blur of laughing, screaming, drinking, and loud music. Veronica found herself on a couch, wedged between Keith and the quarterback from the football team. She watched dazedly as Bridget Summers made out with a girl from the volleyball team. Veronica hardly recognized her own sister when Victoria approached her.
“Veronica?” Victoria was holding a red plastic Dixie cup. “What’re you doing here?”
“What’re you doing here?” Veronica countered, her speech slurred.
Victoria smiled, tossing her hair over her shoulder. Like all of the other girls, she was scantily clad in a tight top and a short skirt. “Mom and Dad know you are here?”
“Nah, I’m studying at Kayla’s.” Veronica waved her off, suddenly feeling the urge to dance to the pounding beat. “They know you’re here?”
“Nah, I’m studying at Cherie’s.” Victoria grinned. Suddenly, someone grabbed Veronica and was pulling her towards the opposite corner of the room. Victoria didn’t seem to notice as a guy had come up to talk to her.
“Hey!’ Veronica shouted but then she realized who had a hold of her. “Hey,” she purred, pressing her body up against his.
Keith’s eyes were red and his breath smelled of beer. “You look so hot tonight!”
“Oh yeah?” Veronica had never felt so daring, so sexy. She was flirting and it felt so good. She found her hands wandering over Keith’s hard chest, his biceps, and then they were on his face bringing his mouth closer to hers. When they kissed Veronica’s senses seemed to enhance everything. She could taste of lime and vodka. Keith smelled of cologne and cigarettes. His breath was hot on her neck, as he nibbled on her ear, sending waves of splendor down her spine.
White hot with passion, Veronica didn’t protest when Keith pulled on her hand, leading her down a hallway. Suddenly, they were on someone’s bed, Keith on top of her, kissing her. His fingers worked nimbly on the button of her jeans and she didn’t even realize she was half-naked until she heard the distinct sound of Keith’s zipper.
Even though alarms were sounding in her head, Veronica felt helpless under his touch. When his hand slipped under her shirt, Veronica grabbed his wrist and pulled it out.
“I’ve never done this before,” she admitted, looking up at him through her lashes.
His lips curved up into a wicked grin. Gently he pushed her back against the bed.
“Don’t worry,” he assured her, as he slipped off her panties, “I know exactly what I’m doing.”



Veronica groaned the next morning as a ray of sunlight burst through her blinds and hit her square in the face. Her head throbbed and her mouth tasted like stale French fries. She threw an arm over her eyes, her stomach roiling as she rolled onto her side. What happened last night? How did I get home? Suddenly, her cell phone went off, the ring tone making her head ache. As she groped for the phone she wondered how much she had to drink.
“Hello?” She answered groggily.
“So, how was it?” Delilah’s voice was way too cheerful for this early in the morning. “I want gory details.”
“Gory?” Veronica pulled the phone away from her ear to look at the clock. It was already eleven-thirty. “I got drunk, we had sex, the end.”
“What?” Delilah screamed, causing Veronica to grimace. “You had sex? Oh my God, oh my God. Seriously? Seriously? Oh my God! Tell me, what was it like?”
Veronica sighed. Staring at the whiteness of her ceiling she tried to remember. “Fuzzy.”
“Huh? You can’t remember?” It was evident in her tone that she was disappointed.
“Delilah, I was so drunk! I don’t even remember how I got home last night!”
“Wow, I mean, wow! So you think that you’re in the In Crowd now? I mean, you did go to Bridget Summer’s house. You think you could get me in? I mean, wow!”
Veronica’s stomach pitched and she reached for the trashcan under her desk. As she was vomiting she could hear Delilah’s voice. “Are you puking? Roni? You okay?”
Veronica snapped her phone shut, hanging up on her friend as chunks of vomit dripped off her chin. Disgusted, Veronica slinked to the bathroom and turned on the shower. Looking at her reflection she did a double-take. Her hair was tangled, she still had on her outfit from the night before, and the make-up under her eyes made her look like a raccoon. She got undressed, surprised by the red taint in her underwear. As she stood under the hot water she was jolted. Did he use a condom? Oh shit. She slapped her forehead, praying he used protection. Wouldn’t that be the fricken’ cherry on top? Hey, Mom, Dad. I know I’m already an embarrassment to this family, so I figured you wouldn’t mind if I went and got myself knocked up.
Veronica scrubbed cucumber melon shampoo into her hair, racking her brain for memories of the night before. She wondered if she could get a pregnancy test this soon. Fuck! Veronica felt like an idiot. But just as she felt like slipping down the drain with the bubbles, she remembered his voice. The way he touched her, that made her whole body tingle with delight. A warm sense of acceptance washed over her and made her glow.
Keith Seidel had sex with me. With me, not my sister! This obviously meant that he found her more attractive because Victoria had been at the party. Shit, Victoria was there! Veronica quickly rinsed off and turned off the water. Wrapping a towel around her body, she didn’t bother getting dressed before barging into her sister’s room.
“So help me Victoria,” Veronica was growling into her sister’s face, before Victoria even had a chance to wake up. “If you snitch on me!”
“Chill out!” Victoria pushed herself up onto her elbows. “I can’t tattle on you without ratting myself out, so calm down.”
Veronica plopped down at the foot of her bed, her wet hair sticking to her shoulders. “How did I get home last night?”
“Keith helped me dump you in my backseat.” Victoria smirked. “You were so trashed last night. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“Please,” Veronica scoffed, “this coming from Miss Goody-Two-Shoes herself. I mean, I knew you were friends with that crowd, but I never realized-”
“Crazy, huh?” Victoria slipped out from under the covers, wearing an oversized t-shirt and blue sweat pants. Even rumpled, Victoria had a certain attractiveness to her.
Veronica stared at her prune-like fingertips, wondering if her secret would be safe with her sister. “I slept with him.”
“Yeah, I figured that. You know, it’ll probably be all over school on Monday.” Victoria sat down in front of her vanity. She picked up a brush and began to pull it through her matted hair.
Somehow, Veronica figured that was the least of her problems. “I-I can’t remember, if he, uh, you know.”
Victoria laughed, sending her sister a scornful look over her shoulder. “My, my aren’t we the little tramp?”
“Whatever,” Veronica felt burned my her sister’s remark. She had felt like they were actually getting along. Standing up, she went to leave.
“Here,” Victoria threw her something wrapped in silver cellophane, “Now you’ll never have to wonder again.”
Veronica looked down at the package in her hand. It was a condom.

Okay! So! Wow. Yeah. Things happen in this chapter, don't they? I actually skipped the second bit of chapter 3 for this. I mean, I read it, but I haven't reviewed yet. Anyway.

There are some things that need to be changed, though!

The party was at Bridget Summer’s house. It was a big ranch-style home, situated on the outskirts of town. Her closest neighbor was nearly a mile away.

Do you remember the very first critique I gave you, when I ranted about info dumps? Yeah. This is kinda like that. It's absolutely all telling, which is not good. So like, instead of her closest neighbor was a mile away you could integrate this more, like Veronica didn't see another house for miles; Bridget Summers lived on the very outskirts of town. Well, ew, that's not good, but it's a good example. Or try and start this off with some action, and then describe it to us.

“What’s up?” Keith smiled, slapping the kids hand in some sort of secret handshake.

It's funny that he's so new and already knows the "secret handshake." Not a bad thing, just interesting. Or maybe it's a "guy thing?" Either way, it would be cool for Veronica to notice this.

“Want something to drink?” she asked

there was a cooler of beer. “We have beer,

I don't like that beer is repeated so soon. Especially since you say there's a cooler of beer, and then you contradict that by saying that there's more than beer. Also, would Veronica immediately have been able to tell what was in the cooler? Also, would that have been the first thing she noticed? It's really important to get into your characters head for these descriptions. You as the author might know all, but this is Veronica's POV, so the readers should see what she sees, you know? (I'm not totally talking about this one line anymore, just in general.)

“Hey, they're doing shots in the kitchen.

She could taste [s]of[/s] lime and vodka

“Don’t worry,” he assured her, as he slipped off her panties, “I know exactly what I’m doing.”

Veronica groaned the next morning as a ray of sunlight burst through her blinds

Maybe this is just me, but I'm sort of wishing there had been more of a separation between these two scenes, not just a new paragraph - like a * or something, just to divide it up. It would be clearer in published form, of course, but for now, it was just like Whoa! What? Oh, okay. I had to read that paragraph over again. Also, you might want to make it clearer that she's in her own bed, as the events of the past night would have made waking up somewhere else plausible.

“Gory?” Veronica pulled the phone away from her ear to look at the clock. It was already eleven-thirty. “I got drunk, we had sex, the end.”

Okay. I have *major* problems with this bit. VERONICA JUST LOST HER VIRGINITY IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR. She has to be feeling something, remorse, depression, shock, worry about STDs/pregnancy, or, even happiness if she now thinks she's in the popular group. You know? Plus she doesn't even fully remember that they did it, so would she want to assume that they did so easily? I demand to know more of what Veronica is thinking right here. I demand it.

“Wow, I mean, wow! So you think that you’re in the In Crowd now? I mean, you did go to Bridget Summer’s house. You think you could get me in? I mean, wow!”

That is an excellent bit of characterization, Delilah caring more about her friend being popular than about how Roni is dealing with it.

Just to reiterate: Veronica just had sex, for the first time, with basically a stranger, in a foreign place, and she can't remember it. You cannot just blow off a huge event like that.

Hey, Mom, Dad. I know I’m already an embarrassment to this family, so I figured you wouldn’t mind if I went and got myself knocked up.

I feel like these thoughts should be italicised. I know that the whole thing is basically Roni's thoughts, since it's her POV, but especially where it's in first-person.

Okay, done! So, overall, again, this story is getting really good. I still standby what I wrote on, I believe, Chapter Two Continued about different storylines, but the Veronica/Keith one is developing quite nicely. I'll get on that last part soon (Chapter Three Continued) and I'll be happy to review any more of this that you post! I probably will anyway, actually.
Keep it up!

SLUT! (Sorry, I just had to say)
Anyway, I had no objections to this chapter. You might want to describe how the music made her feel, and more about the party. But anyway, it was good. I can't find any nit-picks, so that's a big thumbs up from me!

She watched as six of her classmates downed shots of tequila before popping wedges of lime into their mouth.

Don't they also lick salt? ^_^

She could taste of lime and vodka.

He tasted of lime and vodka, or She could taste lime and vodka.

Woah, apart from that, I couldn't see any errors. Now down to the story itself.

I think you should describe more of the party, what it looked, smelled, tasted like. Often with that many bodies in a room you can almost taste the sweat, and this is a great opportunity to set up the feel of the popular kids, and Veronica's reaction to that. Does she want to be part of the 'in' crowd? Does she find them petty and idiotic? This scenario is full of opportunity to expand and deepen your character, as well as add a plot twist.

I think you should also expand on what her first reaction on what losing her virginity was, once she wakes up. Was it shame, guilt? Pride, even? Relief? Confusion? Terror?

Also, maybe you should lead up to the sex scene a little more. It was a tad Bam-Bam-they are in bed. If you know what I mean. Maybe describe the surroundings, expand on her thoughts, and highlight the importance and the fact this is not usual behavior.


I apologize for being so late, school got over my head and I've spent the last month scrambling to finish assignments. Saying that, this is another excellent entry which I can find little fault with, well done! ^_^

-Nutty