Young Writers Society

Like I said, I was on a roll and I am just so excited to get some feedback on this story. I appreciate everyone's input and don't feel shy about tearing this up like a puppy would a new leather shoe. Focus especially on character development, flow, and entertainment value. Thanks!


When Saturday afternoon arrived, Veronica was ready. Veronica had ironed out her plan and had even rehearsed it with Kayla in study hall on Friday. At five-thirty, Veronica loaded her backpack with a change of clothes and several textbooks before jogging down the stairs. She found her parents in the living room, her Dad reading the newspaper and her Mom absorbed in one of her trashy romance novels.
Her Mom glanced up, using her hand as a temporary bookmark. “Where are you going?” She demanded arching a well-manicured eyebrow.
“Well, Kayla promised to help me on my research paper for science. I figured you’d be okay with that.” Veronica tried not to let her fear show in her eyes. She sighed dramatically. “Don’t you want me to graduate? I don’t care, I guess I could just drop-out.” She turned away, afraid her quivering voice would give her away.
“When are you going to be home?” her Mom stopped her.
“I don’t know, it is supposed to be at least ten pages. You know how teachers are, no double spacing and all that jazz. We were going to the library for a little while and then end up back at her house so we can type it up on her new computer.” Veronica thought she should take up acting, she was doing such a wonderful job.
“I don’t know. Will, what do you think?” She nudged him with her book.
“Huh?” He looked up, obviously not listening.
“I’m going over to Kayla’s to work on my science paper,” Veronica reiterated.
“Okay,” he returned to his paper.
“I expect to see a Science paper when you get back!” her Mom called, as Veronica was walking out the front door.
She was giddy with adrenaline as she halfway jogged down the street. She flipped open her cell phone and dialed Kayla. “Phase one is complete.”
“Seriously?” Kayla sounded surprised. “Wow I didn’t think you would actually have the balls to do it.”
“Yeah, well, is Delilah there yet?” Veronica snapped.
“Yeah and you should see this spread. I didn’t know there was so much stuff you could put in your hair and on your face. Don’t worry Veronica, when Keith picks you up you will look just like the hookers on COPS.”
“Great. Okay, I’ll be there in ten.”

Delilah answered the door when Veronica arrived at Kayla’s apartment. She screamed excitedly, pulling Veronica into the apartment. “We’re in the bedroom. I’m so excited for you Veronica. What did you bring to wear to the party? You are definitely a cool tone, you’ll look really good with this new eyeliner I just bought. It’ll make your eyes pop.”
“I think she’s more excited about the makeover than you are about having a real date.” Kayla mused from her dark blue futon. She looked comical in a paisley house robe and neon green eye shadow. Paramore was playing quietly in the background. “I was her guinea pig,” Kayla confessed.
Veronica laughed, fishing her outfit out of the bottom of her book bag. “You got that science paper?”
Kayla crossed over to her desk and pulled a thick stack of papers off her printer. “You owe me big time,” she said, handing her the paper. Veronica shoved it into her backpack.
“You’re wearing this?” Delilah demanded holding up a pair of skinny jeans and a t-shirt with an image of Cookie Monster on the front of it. “Are we six?” She crumpled up the shirt, throwing it into the corner and retrieved her own tote bag. Delilah pulled out a top that was hot pink, skin tight, and had a big pair of glittery lips splayed boldly across her chest.
“No way,” Veronica held up her hands.
“Just try it on,” Delilah demanded, shaking the garment at her.
Veronica relented, yanking it away from her friend‘s outstretched hand. She threw Kayla a glare, who was snickering. Veronica disappeared into the bathroom and struggled to pull the top over her head. “What is this made of? Spandex?” She turned from side to side to examine her appearance. Veronica didn’t want to admit it, but something about the shirt made her actually look shapely. She emerged from the bathroom to model the shirt for her friends.
“Fabulous!” Delilah clapped her hands. “All it needs is the right skirt.” She was back in her bag, digging around.
“No skirt, no way! My legs aren’t shaved,” Veronica protested.
“Gross.” Kayla had pulled a bag of Doritos onto her lap and was munching on the chips.
Delilah wrinkled her nose. “Who doesn’t shave their legs?”
“Uh, me, when it is thirty degrees out. Especially since I don’t even wear skirts.”
Delilah pulled something else out of her bag. It was a razor. “Go shave your legs. Even if you don’t end up wearing the skirt, there is no way you can go on a date with hairy legs.”
Kayla laughed, spraying half-chewed bits of chips all over the front of herself. “I want a picture of Veronica in a skirt for my Facebook.”
Veronica slammed the bathroom door shut. She resurfaced twenty minutes later with the denim mini-skirt on. “There is no way I’m wearing this. I feel like I’m going to moon someone.”
“Come on Veronica, you want to make an impression, right? This will definitely make an impression.”
“Two dollar, two dollar make you holler!” Kayla crowed as her digital camera’s flash went off.
Veronica sighed. “Come on guys, help me out here! Do you have another skirt I could try? This is like a strip of fabric. How much did you pay for this?”
Delilah ignored her as she offered up another skirt, this one black with lacy frills everywhere. When Veronica gave her a look she shrugged. “It’s all I have.”
“I think I’m going to be overdressed,” Veronica said as she shimmied into the skirt.
At six-thirty Veronica took a hard look at her reflection, surprised by what she saw. Delilah had relented and allowed her to wear the jeans. Delilah was still working on her hair, but her make-up had been done in a way that was dramatic and yet, still tasteful. Veronica was feeling pretty good about herself. “Okay, close your eyes.” Delilah grabbed a can of aerosol hair spray and began to douse Veronica’s hair with the stuff.
“There goes half of the Ozone,” Kayla announced.
“Just don’t stand too close to anyone smoking a cigarette,” Delilah warned, giving Veronica another spritz.
“I don’t want to be a helmet head!” Veronica cried when it appeared Delilah was going to spray more.
“The key to keeping a hair-style perfect is a lot of product. Trust me, I read it in Glamour,” Delilah assured her, arranging a strand of hair. Satisfied she stepped back so Veronica could assess her appearance. Her hair looked like it should be in a Pantene commercial.
“Wow.” Even Kayla was impressed.
“I look like a totally different person.” Veronica felt a boost of confidence.
“I’d tear that up,” Delilah purred, winking at Veronica in the mirror.


Veronica felt silly, tottering into the library in her black patent leather high heels and cosmetic-caked face. The librarian eyed her suspiciously and Veronica dived into the women’s bathroom. Breathing hard she stared at her reflection. Her eyelashes clumped together with too much mascara and her lips felt sticky from the lip gloss. What if he doesn’t come? What if it is some sick joke?
Anxious, Veronica snuck out of the bathroom and peered out the double glass doors into the parking lot. She checked the clock on her cell phone. It was six fifty-five. Too nervous to sit still, she returned to the bathroom. She bared her teeth and rubbed a smudge of red lipstick from her front tooth. Digging in the purse Delilah had lent her, she retrieved a pack of Altoid’s. She grabbed a mint and then for good measure she popped two more in her mouth. The taste was overpowering, but she grimaced through it.
Maybe he doesn’t know where the library is. Maybe he forgot and went to my house to pick me up. Panicking she checked her phone again. It was six fifty-nine. She was trying not to let her emotions get the best of her, but Veronica couldn’t help but feel sick to her stomach. What if she got caught? What if he didn’t show up? What would she do? How long would she wait before calling it quits and going home? Another glance at the glowing screen told her it was seven o’clock.
Her adrenaline pumping, Veronica scooped up her purse and exited the bathroom. She stood in the library entrance for just a moment before hearing the distinct rumble of Keith’s Mustang. When the car pulled into view, Veronica felt the smile stretch her face as she pushed the doors open. Reminding herself to take small steps, she made it to the car without falling over her feet. When she slipped into the front seat, Keith was grinning.
“Wow, you look amazing,” he said, putting the car into gear.
“Thanks.”
“So you hungry?”
“Starving.”

^_^


Oh, this was so much fun to read! The scene in Kayla's apartment pretty much sums up me and my friends. You most definitely have the entertainment aspect of this story down, as far as I'm concerned.
I'm going to get these tidbits out of the way first, then on to overall stuff.

When Saturday afternoon arrived, Veronica was ready. Veronica had ironed out her plan and had even rehearsed it with Kayla in study hall on Friday. At five-thirty, Veronica loaded her backpack with a change of clothes and several textbooks before jogging down the stairs

Here, you use the MC's name more than once in the same paragraph. Just replace the second two "Veronica"s with "she".

“Where are you going?” She demanded arching a well-manicured eyebrow.

"She" should be in lowercase form, and "demanded" should be followed by a coma.

She turned away, afraid her quivering voice would give her away.

Nix the first "away". Otherwise this sentence is too redundant.

“Okay,” he returned to his paper.

Close! Period after "okay" and "he" should be capitalized.

“I expect to see a Science paper when you get back!” her Mom called, as Veronica was walking out the front door.

Nix the coma. Also, "Mom" does not have to be capitalized here, since it is being used as a common noun rather than a proper one.

“Phase one is complete.”

New line break.

“Wow I didn’t think you would actually have the balls to do it.”

HAHA! Great use of colloquialism! (This is something my friends and I would say to each other.) ^^

“We’re in the bedroom.

New line break here.

“You owe me big time,” she said, handing her the papers. Veronica shoved [s]it[/s] them into her backpack.

Makes more sense this way, plus I'm just really obsessive-compulsive. ^^

“What is this made of? Spandex?”

New line break.

“Okay, close your eyes.”

New line break.

Maybe he doesn’t know where the library is. Maybe he forgot and went to my house to pick me up.

Since these are her thoughts, they should be italicized and/or in quotations. Also, they need to be in their own mini-paragraph. ^^

Panicking she checked her phone again.

Coma after "Panicking".


Character Development

Alright, so now we know Veronica a little more. You've begun to use different situations to explain her character a bit more. Her talk with her mom and dad was great example, for one. She's obviously very nervous about lying to her parents, and feels somewhat guilty, but at the same time has a sudden sense of confidence and freedom.
And how she interacts with her friends - that's a fantastic way to describe a character while being subtle. Kids always act differently around their parents and friends, whether they want to or not. When Veronica is getting ready with Kayla and Delilah, we get to see a totally different side of her. Not necessarily the shy, introverted younger sister, but a confident, joking teenage girl. Nice work on that scene! It was fun to read. ^^

Before I wrap this bit up, I do have one thing to say about Keith.
Although we love the perfect dream guy, we can't relate to a story with a perfect boy in it. That just doesn't happen in real life. I believe most of your loyal readers will always be people who feel like they can connect to a certain aspect in your story. Yes, there will be girls with low self-esteem who read stories like these, but it will probably only make them scoff. They've never been swept off of their feet by a dreamy new student.
So basically, what I'm trying to say is this: give Keith some human flaws.
Flaws are good. Everyone has flaws, so why shouldn't your characters? Remember: flawed characters make good characters. ^^
The only reason I say that is because Keith is played up a bit too much here. From what we've seen so far, he's absolutely perfect, hands-down.
Hmm... but we know that's not true, right? ^^
You've still got one more chapter left for me to critique, so I'll wait until then to judge whether or not he's completely perfect.


Flow

I thought the transition between the scenes in this chapter were pretty smooth. I think you just kind of left us hanging as to how Veronica got to the library from Kayla's house, but it's really not a big deal.
The only jarring thing in this piece was the rather stiff dialogue between Veronica and Keith once he gets to the library. Not that the dialogue was completely formal or anything - it just seemed a little stuffy. Also, I would like to hear more about his reaction to the new and improved Veronica! Sure, he said she looks great, but what do his features say? What does he do? Does he become nervous? Or is he still relaxed?
Sorry, I kind of went off on a tangent. ^^ Don't worry about what I mentioned; it really wasn't a problem.


Entertainment Level

On a 1 to 10, I'd give this a 9. Way up there! I really have enjoyed this story so far, and I've been very happy to review it along the way. This type of story definitely appeals to teenage girls (at least me and my friends). It's your basic high school fantasy come true: you're a loser and suddenly an ultra-hot guy comes and whisks you off of your feet. Of course every girl dreams about that.
Plus, your smooth additions of humor add to the reality of this, even though it's been done before. You're a pretty funny person, you know that? ^^
I personally liked the part where Delilah made Veronica shave her legs, and then she ended up not wearing a skirt anyways. ^^ My friends and I have done similar things. Girls are so crazy sometimes!

Now, I took off one point because of the cliche-ness of this. It's time to grab a hold of this idea and lead it in a fresh direction. By 'fresh', I mean new, different concepts and ideas stemming from one huge cliche. Think Lord of the Rings or Star Wars.
Both are majorly cliched story lines, but at the same time they are completely original works. See what I mean?


Nice work with this. I think I'm going to give this chapter a star! *Gold Stars*
Now, make me say that for the rest of your updates!


~anti-pop

“Yeah and you should see this spread. I didn’t know there was so much stuff you could put in your hair and on your face. Don’t worry Veronica, when Keith picks you up you will look just like the hookers on COPS.”

People want to look like to hookers on cops? That seems a little odd to me!

Veronica relented, yanking it away from her friend‘s outstretched hand.

I don't think that relented is the right word for this context. It's more like she wanted to wear it, from what I understand, and if she gave in, it wouldn't be this quickly.

“Two dollar, two dollar make you holler!”

Huh? What's that mean?

At six-thirty Veronica took a hard look at her reflection, surprised by what she saw. Delilah had relented and allowed her to wear the jeans.

This change seems too sudden. Describe how she feels, You could bulk up this chapter a lot saying that she was arguing with her friends while they ate chippies, and then have her glance at the clock and gasp at how late it was getting. Right now I feel like I'm reading a script. It's all Delilah said this, and Veronica put on a dress. You could go well with this story, but I don't like your writing style. It might just be me, but this book is making the characters look a bit flat right now. You said to focus on character development, but you haven't don't that yourself. How about you put yourself in that situation, and think how anxious you would be. maybe you're picturing his reaction when he sees her dressed up, Think of how sweaty her palms are getting. I don't know much about Veronica, she seems to be a good chef, but nothing else. Does she usually wear skimpy clothes and dress like a slut? What type of taste does she have. You mentioned that one of her friends doesn't care what others think, but what about Veronica. Sometimes your main characters are worse than your second and tertiary ones. Oops, sorry about that rant there, I wasn't looking at what I was writing!

>> Okay, is it just me, or do you usually hear about girls who go out of their way to look pretty, and then the guy doesn't like them because they are a different person? Wait... let me re-phrase that. Usually, Kieth would go out with a hot, fashionable girl, right? But he is attracted to Veronica, so doesn't he like her as she was at school, and wouldn't be so easy going for this new look?
>>Try and make Veronica register his reaction, is she disappointed her wasn't head over heels? How about she thought that she looked ridiculous, and she was annoyed that he didn't agree. How many times would she keep on doing this?
>>Put more thoughts into it. I find it a lot easier writing in first person, because then I can put stuff in like:
>>I wiped my hands on my jeans, and then tasted the bite in the cooling air. In my peripheral vision, I saw the blue mustang, and my heart jumped into my mouth. It was time. He was finally here! I couldn't possibly describe what relief I felt when he smiled at me from the drivers seat. I walked down the steps, concentrating on not tripping. How embarrassing would that be? I set about cataloguing the evening chronologically, ready to describe the perfect look I got was i walked around to the passenger door...
>>Okay, I went a bit far there, but you get the point. You can still do that in third person, so keep on thinking about how you would react, and put it in.

Well, overall, it was good! Nice pace and good plot, but you need to work on the events a bit more. Good luck!

She demanded arching a well-manicured eyebrow.

Comma after demanded. ^_^

Veronica tried not to let her fear show in her eyes. She sighed dramatically.

Maybe you should insert the reaction of the mother here, to see what veronica's reacting to in turn?

Delilah answered the door when Veronica arrived at Kayla’s apartment. She screamed excitedly, pulling Veronica into the apartment.

Two lines here finish with 'apartment'. It effects the flow of the piece, which is otherwise quite good. Maybe rephrase to "pulling Veronica in the door."?

glittery lips splayed boldly across her chest.

As the shirt isn't being worn, and has no gender, her should be the. ^_^

I love this scene. It really shows how Veronica fits into the group. Well done. One thing though, they are at highschool, right?
Why does Delilah have her own apartment? I think most of the people in my year (the seniors) are still living at home, and Veronica lives at home.

I like the next bit too!
You really have the nervousness down. I know the feeling she's having well. Which means you did well, as I can relate.

I don't actually have much to say in these later parts, which is a good thing, trust me. I'm beginning to enjoy the character development. I shall continue and see if I can be more helpful in later parts.