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For The Girls: Chapter Three



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Fri Feb 20, 2009 5:16 am
Moriah Leila says...



The writing juices have really been flowing, so I've been writing a ton. This is just the first of many installments to follow soon hereafter. Again, as always please rip this piece to shreds. Any and everything that needs correcting, PLEASE point it out. And I apologize, I've been struggling with my punctuation (especially with the dialouge), so please bear with me. Thanks for reading!



“You told him no?” Delilah was incredulous. They were standing before a row of mirrors in the girl’s bathroom. “Were you even thinking when you told him no?”
“I’m grounded! I couldn’t go out with him even if I had said yes,” Veronica countered, throwing her hair up into a messy ponytail. Frustrated, she ripped out the hair tie, running her hands through her hair.
Kayla had perched herself on the bathroom counter, playing with her earrings. They were miniature unicorns, one purple and the other green with glittery tails and manes. She had a matching necklace and a graphic t-shirt that said Conserve water, drink chocolate milk. “You could just sneak out.”
Veronica stared hard at herself. Kayla could sneak out, she had the guts to do something like that. But not Veronica. She was as courageous as a mouse. “I can’t sneak out.”
“Why not?” Delilah rummaged through a huge bright green tote bag and handed Veronica a tube of lip gloss. “Veronica, think about it, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Who knows when a cute guy is going to invite you to a party?”
“Gee thanks.” Veronica ripped the gloss from her friend’s hand. “You know my self-esteem really appreciated that.”
“Whatever, get over yourself,” Kayla said. “Delilah’s right, the only time you’ve ever gotten a guy’s digits is when Nathan cornered you in Biology. You have a chance to not only go to a party with a guy, but an attractive one at that. I say sneak out.”
Veronica didn’t say anything as she applied a layer of the strawberry scented goop to her lips. She smacked them audibly, having made her decision. “I swear if I get caught, I am blaming you,” she said this directly to Kayla. Kayla smiled as she hopped off the counter.
“Better not get caught then!”

Veronica was surprised when she arrived to first period and Keith was already sitting in the back next to her desk. Holly Hadley was propped up on the corner of his desk, unabashedly flirting with him, her cleavage practically Velcroed to his face. Her courage fading quickly, Veronica felt silly with the little make-up Delilah had convinced her to wear.
Plopping into her seat, she pulled out a notebook and started to invent a new recipe. It would have chicken and a cheesy rice pilaf. She jotted down ingredients like shallots, mushrooms, garlic, fontina cheese, and thyme. Delilah was turned around in her seat, chatting incessantly but Veronica hardly heard what she was saying. Feeling a presence next to her, Veronica looked up, surprised to see Keith staring right at her.
“What are you writing?” he asked, Holly already sitting in her desk at the front.
Veronica grinned, closing the notebook on her recipe. “It’s nothing, just doodling.”
“Hey, I wanted to apologize if I came on too strong yesterday. You just seemed pretty chill and I just thought,” he trailed off as the late bell sounded.
“Yeah about that,” Veronica felt her intestines twisting themselves into a maze, “I can go to the party with you after all.”
“I thought you were grounded?” He looked pleased.
“We worked out an agreement.” Veronica was surprised how easily the lie slipped off her tongue.
“Awesome, when can I pick you up?” He asked.
Veronica panicked. She couldn’t have him pick her up at the house but she didn’t want him to know she was sneaking out either. Veronica ransacked her brain, trying to come up with a solution and was graciously saved by the arrival of her English teacher.
“Heeello class!” He glided into the classroom, holding a big cup of steaming coffee. He placed it on his desk and began to remove his gloves. “Poor Miss Muffet, she is being kept at the Kitty Hospital until she gets better. They are administering antibiotics, but there is no cure for distemper. Hopefully, she pulls through all right. Make sure you get all of your pets properly vaccinated, you do not want to deal with this kind of headache.” His scarf was baby-poop-green today. “Today is Tuesday, so we all know what that means!” He smiled even as several students groaned in protest. “Vocabulary quiz!”
As he was passing out the worksheets, a piece of paper landed on her desk. Veronica unfolded it and read what Keith had jotted down. Be ready at seven, we’ll get a bite to eat before we go over to the party. Even though she had no idea how this was all going to work, Veronica couldn’t help but feel excited at the prospect of going on a date. It was a date, right? Inviting her to dinner and a party sounded like a date. Veronica shoved the note into the pocket of her jeans as Mr. Draper handed her a worksheet.
“Don’t worry Mr. Seidel,” she overheard him address Keith “I’ll give you the vocabulary words and you can make-up the test on Friday.”
There were three sections to Mr. Draper’s vocabulary tests and they were so easy a third grader could do it. She flew through the test and was done before anyone else. She turned in the quiz and returned to her cheesy chicken dish. She decided it definitely needed bacon. Everything was better with bacon. When the period was over she had finished her recipe and had even come up with an excuse why Keith couldn’t pick her up at her house.
This time when the dismissal bell rang, she managed to gather her things in an organized fashion. Keith was already halfway down the hall when she caught up to him.
“Hey,” she said breathlessly, “can you pick me up at the library at seven instead? It was part of the agreement with my parents. You know, go to the library, work on my grades, all that garbage.” She was getting really good at lying.
“Sure.” he grinned and Veronica had to restrain herself from becoming a puddle at his feet. “See you later.” He waved as he disappeared into a classroom.
I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.
  





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Sun Feb 22, 2009 6:52 am
anti-pop says...



I am on a roll, I tell ya!


No worries on punctuation. You'll get the hang of it. Aaand, I'm here to help out! ^^


“You told him no?” Delilah was incredulous.

I felt that "incredulous" was a bad word choice here. Just emphasize on how she said it rather than what she felt like.
"You told him no?" Delilah gasped. See? Simple and effective. You don't want to go too crazy with the adjectives. ;)

She had a matching necklace and a graphic t-shirt that said Conserve water, drink chocolate milk.

Since the shirt has a title, write it like this: 'Conserve Water - Drink Chocolate Milk'.
That is very funny, though.

Kayla could sneak out, she had the guts to do something like that.

Semi-colon after "sneak out".

Her courage fading quickly, Veronica felt silly with the little make-up Delilah had convinced her to wear.

Aw.
I know what that feels like! :(

You just seemed pretty chill and I just thought,” he trailed off as the late bell sounded.

I'm sorry, this just really bugged me. I'd replace "chill" with "cool" or something. I don't know anyone who says chill! ^^
Also, for an actual criticism, nix the first "just". Compare the two and figure which one seems more necessary. My vote is the second!

“Awesome, when can I pick you up?” He asked.

"He" should not be capitalized.

“Poor Miss Muffet, she is being kept at the Kitty Hospital until she gets better.

New line break here.

His scarf was baby-poop-green today.

Haha! Just nix the second hyphen and it's great! *cracks up*

It was a date, right?

I'd write it like this: It was a date, right?
Add emphasis to the "was", since Veronica is questioning her thoughts.

“Don’t worry Mr. Seidel,” she overheard him address Keith “I’ll give you the vocabulary words and you can make-up the test on Friday.”

Coma after "Keith".

Everything was better with bacon.

Amen to that! ^^

When the period was over, she had finished her recipe and had even come up with an excuse as to why Keith couldn’t pick her up [s]at her house[/s].

Here's what I fixed in this sentence and why:
>Coma after "over".
>For added effect (this is just personal preference), italicize "and". Makes it sound more impressive.
>I added the "as to" because otherwise, this portion of the sentence doesn't make much sense.
>This sentence drags a bit, and there is an easy way to fix that. Nix the last three words ("at her house"). We already know that she doesn't want him to pick her up at her house. ^^

“Sure.” he grinned

Hmm... tricky. There are two options here:
1. Replace the period with a coma.
2. Capitalize "He".
I would suggest #1, but either would work. *shrug*


Again, this was short, but there were less nit-picks! (If you notice, most of my comments now are just that: comments. lol) ^^
So, yay! You showed us a lot more of Veronica's personality! Now I feel like I know her a little better! I'm very glad you decided to do that little recipe quirk-thing. That was written really well; I liked that whole part describing what recipe she was coming up with. (And you added bacon, which is automatically awesome!) Ahh, my mouth is watering. ^^

Also, you showed us that she feels bad about lying and sneaking out, which reveals a lot about someones character. Nice job with that.

That is all! ^^ If you'd like me to comment on something more specific rather than this general overview, just let me know and I will get right to it.
Great story you've got going so far. I'm really enjoying this now. But! You need to spice it up a bit. While it's nicely written, as I've said many times before, it's cliche! I need an unexpected plot twist in here somewhere!
Even if it's not totally unexpected, that's fine. Just something. I said earlier that cliche is fine, but now I want you to forget that. Now you're at the point where this story is all your own, so make it your own.


~anti-pop
...Bitter cold, it grows
changing holds
cynicism the new norm...

-Libretto
  





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Sun Feb 22, 2009 5:25 pm
Mars says...



Hey again! So, I don't have much to say that's already been said. Anti-pop did a good job of pointing out the nit-picks, so I won't go into those.

So! I'm still waiting for something to happen. But it's okay, because you're leading up to the party and creating suspense and all that. And that's good. And since there's pretty much nothing wrong with this bit, please indulge my crazy ideas.

And don't pay attention if you've thought of this or done this already! Since I haven't read the other parts yet.

As far as I can tell, you have one basic storyline going here, which is Veronica/Keith, right? There are other things, as in, Veronica hating Victoria, etc, but that doesn't seem to be a separate storyline so much as it is a factor. Which is totally okay! But I think it would make the story a little more interesting if there were some more threads, more events. And you have minor characters to work with - The Perfects, Kayla & Delilah, Veronica's family, Keith's family, Holly Hadley, etc. Or you can have new ones. I think it would definitely make this more fun.

That said, you are doing a wonderful job with this thread! Please, give me something to actually critique.
-Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


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Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:10 am
asxz says...



I'm sorry, but Anti-pop has already done a great job. I didn't even notice whalf of he things that she pointed out. Good work!
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Thu Mar 12, 2009 9:34 am
Nutty says...



Sorry about the delay. All of a sudden I got a life 0.o

Veronica didn’t say anything as she applied a layer of the strawberry scented goop to her lips.

Didn't say anything is a little long. 'Was silent', maybe?

Anti got most of the grammar mistakes. Good thing too, I don't always pick them up.

Hrmm, this part is better. I like how you are bringing out your characters, I'm starting to distinguish between the bit-parts now. I would still suggest you give a little more information on Veronica's friends, and set up the distinguishing factors early.
I also think you should work on their 'voices'. Every character, like every real person, has a different attitude and you should try and let this show through their dialogue. Every little bit you can do to refine the characters is worthwhile, to avoid them all running together.

One way to really get to know your characters as an author is to write out scenarios, and decide how each character would react. Would one be the leader, one freak out? The better you know your characters, the better you can portray them to your reader.

Another thing is, I think you should show a little of Veronica's life outside of school, so far it has been the main setting. More sets means more possibilities, or if you are happy with keeping it in school, elaborate on the other classes. I would like to see something come through that does not revolve around the relationship, and see Veronica in more varied situations.

Maybe this comes in later parts, however, so I won't stress over it too much at this point.

Next part! ^_^
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Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first. Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you.
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