Young Writers Society

There were only two things in the world a man like Edgar should fear, and one of them was sitting in front of him, consulting a world atlas.

“Mr. Taranis, have you ever visited the kingdom of Gardenia?”

Edgar blinked several times. The Baroness was speaking to him.

“No, milady.”

The Baroness made a note.

“I see… Lantica, either?”

“Briefly, as a mercenary.”

“Did you find the scenery enjoyable?”

Edgar blinked again. The Baroness was asking about scenery?

“They had lovely mountains and lakes,” he said, casting his mind back a few years.

“And the people? How did they treat you, as a foreigner?”

“They were indifferent, I think. As a mercenary, I don’t usually collect smiles.”

The Baroness stood up and walked to the computer, sitting down in a hovering chair and tucking her legs beneath her.

“Mr. Taranis, as the supervillains, we run tight operations. Tell me, do you enjoy your life as a fighting man?”

“It’s not a job I relish, if that’s what you’re asking,” said Edgar, resting his elbows on the table and watching the Baroness carefully. “Still, working under you has been an interesting experience. The lack of spells and torture dungeons, I mean.”

The Baroness chuckled and touched a joystick on the arm of her chair.

“Such crude wastes of time,” she said, maneuvering the chair around to face the gigantic screen that stretched across one wall. “Spells of power and torture devices. Barbaric.” The sound of a keyboard tapping echoed in the room, and various items flickered over the screen.

“Milady, if I may ask…”

The chair turned a little, the clicking stopped and the Baroness peeked around the edge of the chair. “Please go on.”

“If you don’t use spells or torture devices or kidnap people, how can you be considered a villain? Or villainess?”

The Baroness considered this, and the chair slowly turned to face him again.

“That’s an interesting question, Mr. Taranis.” She put her chin on her hand and stared at him. “But the answer is twice so. I am going to revolutionize the way villainy is used. Like I said, my fellow villains are mostly fools drunk on power, and too concerned with envy and such like that.” She waved a hand noncommittally. “And they don’t know the way to win.”

“What is the way to win, milady?”

The Baroness didn’t notice his boldness, or else made no sign that she was bothered by it.

“The way to win, Mr. Taranis, is to be the hero.” She smiled. The sight did not inspire any fear with Edgar. “Or, at least, to use the hero’s template.”

“I don’t think I understand,” said Edgar, still not feeling anything like fear at the look on the Baroness’s face.

“It’ll be easy to pick up on, once the plan is in motion,” said the Baroness. “But explaining it would be quite tedious, so I hope you don’t mind waiting to watch?”

Edgar bowed quickly. “Not at all, milady.”

“Thank you. Ah." The terminal beeped. "Here he is..."

A woman came through the door, carrying a wrapped bundle. The Baroness jumped down and held her arms up to receive it. Cradling it against her chest, she peered down and pulled a corner of the fabric away. "Thank you, Keira... your bonus will be added by this evening..." The woman bowed and backed out of the room.

The Baroness trotted to Edgar and said, "This is Linus. He is the extra-marital son of King Leo. He was expensive to obtain...Keira had to first get into the castle, and then into Leo's trust. Carried him for nine months... You will take care of him, Mr. Taranis. You are his legal guardian as of this morning." She looked up at Edgar, and offered the child to him.

Edgar accepted the baby boy, and looked at the Baroness over the bundle. She smiled again.

"I know you're sterile. This is your chance..."

The child woke and started to cry softly; Edgar rocked his arms, feeling clumsy and stupid. The Baroness waited.

"I will do it."

_______________

Fwah! Isn't Edgar a great name? XD

I was looking through some old files on the computer and came across this little crack piece. This is back from when my username was Baroness Ink and I was reading the one Artemis Fowl book when Opal attempts to take over Haven City. So I came across it and thought, "Hot diggedy! I like this! I think I'd like to write some more on it!" So I added the Linus bit and it's suddenly a lot more twisted.

As for the category, I couldn't decide on what section to put this in until I started giving the Baroness some backstory... and yes, this is sci/fi. ^_^

Anyhow, now, this is a prologue, and what I'm most interested in is its hooking properties. I suck at writing hooks and need help with that desperately. Also, if you'd like to read more, please say so!

~Sumi

EDIT: This ALSO happens to be my 3100th post! Awesome!

Hooking wise its great And I am definetly interested in reading more!! You've written this really well, I had to look very closely to find anything that I thought could be improved- here are a couple of things:

The chair turned a little, the clicking stopped and the Baroness peeked around the edge

'peeked round the edge' to me wasn't clear what edge. I'd change it to something like 'peeked back at Edgar.'

Cradling it against her chest, she peered down and brushed some of the fabric away.

Instead of brushed some of the fabric away I think you could say something like 'pulled back a corner of the fabric'.

Edgar accepted the baby boy, and looked at the Baroness over the bulk

When you say bulk do you mean the baby? I think bundle might work better.

I'd add in an extra sentence or two when the baroness first recieves the baby- something about carefully being handed over or the baroness's eyes lighting up as otherwise it goes by kind of quickly. I also think you should add an extra sentence before the last speech, something about Edgar looking up to face the baroness to make the words have more of an effect.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this -you have managed to show both characters really well and I really hope you continue!!

P.S. Edgar so is a great name!

Hello Sumi! Here as requested!

The Baroness stood up and walked to the computer, sitting down in a hovering chair and tucking her legs beneath her.

“Mr. Taranis, as the supervillains, we run tight operations. Tell me, do you enjoy your life as a fighting man?”

I find the shift here from being asked about scenery to the supervillains a bit sharp. I would add a little bit where the Baroness ponders what he's said to make it less sudden.

“Still, working under you has been an interesting experience. The lack of spells and torture dungeons, I mean.”

He's scared of her, right? In my mind, if one person is scared of another, they do not just open up like this unless they really are under the influence of some spell or another.

The chair turned a little, the clicking stopped and the Baroness peeked around the edge of the chair.

This list feels a little long. At the least, I would replace "and" with "as" just to make things feel more immediate.

“But the answer is twice so.

No idea what you mean by this piece of dialogue.

The sight did not inspire any fear with Edgar.

This line is rather dead. Yes, it hints that her smile has inspired fear in the past, but why do we care? She's a villain, after all. Her smile in some cases would inspire fear. Either give us a reason why her smile in this case would inspire fear, or nix this line.

still not feeling anything like fear at the look on the Baroness’s face.

Same note as above.

The Baroness jumped down and held her arms up to receive it. Cradling it against her chest,

You're missing a line in which she actually receives the bundle. Some questions to ask: How is that done? With reverence? Fear? Does the Baroness snatch the bundle away or tenderly take it in her arms?

Answering those questions would give us a bit more depth into the Baroness, and, really, she needs the extra description.

He is the extra-marital son of King Leo.

I don't quite understand the term "extra marital." Personally, I would replace that with "iligetimate" but that's up to you.

She looked up at Edgar, and offered the child to him.

Edgar is sitting, correct? Unless the Baroness is short, then she can't exactly be looking up at him.

The Baroness waited.

"I will do it."

This is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but I find that the way these two lines are arranged, it can be interpreted that 'I will do it' was said by the Baroness.

~

Tags- I really dislike it when dialogue starts each paragraph where there is dialogue. I find it makes the dialogue rather flat and robs your characters of life because they don't have mannerisms before they talk like most people do.

Also, in the cases when you do put the action in front of the dialogue, you use said. Using "said" every time a character speaks annoys me. If they are simply saying something, then do you really need to announce that they are simply saying something? That also goes for "said" after the dialogue. You really count nix most of these "said"s and replace them with just action.

Characters- I find the Baroness alright, a bit flat, but alright. All we know about her is that she's possibly inspired fear in the past and that she's got a plan to take over the world.

Edgar, however, is strange. You announce right at the start that he's afraid of her, which I liked, but in his dialogue he doesn't show that he's afraid. He's talking to her like she's his boss, not his feared boss. It doesn't help you put in lines saying he doesn't have any reason to fear. Well, you haven't exactly shown us why he doesn't have any reason, or why he would even have a reason to fear her in the first place.

Hook- As a hook, this was okay. You brought in a new twist at the end, something I wasn't expecting, but at the same time, I feel you've given away a bit too much with the Baroness talking. I can see how things will fit in, and, really, I've seen the villain-plays-hero thing on cartoons. Unless you really twist this around (and quickly) this doesn't have much of my interest.

Overall- Well, sci-fi isn't really my thing, but I'm going to be brutally honest and say that if I were reading this prologue and could only pick one book out of two to buy, this one would get put back on the shelf because of this:

“The way to win, Mr. Taranis, is to be the hero.”

That line, to me, gives away too much of the plot to make this worth my while.

I hope my comments help. If you have any questions about the review, PM me.

~Rosey

Hey!

You've got an interesting plot here. The idea that you have to be qualified to be a villianess is interesting. This could be a great story, but I think you should have a "good guy" too. A story all about bad guys doesn't really have a whole lot of character. But good job on this piece!

Vet

Sumi!!!
Hohoho, I have been ensnared by your story.
It's so intriguing, and you've left out enough 'to-die-for' details,
That would make your readers come back for more
The Baroness is scary o_o
Argh, so many questions to ask,
So many answers not to be given yet >_<
You're real cunning, Sumi. In a good way.
Here is where simplicity comes in place.
Normally, I'd be real impressed with elaborate, creative, beautiful descriptions.
But in this case, I loved how to coneyed so many things in so little words.
And now you've got me thinking about the villain playing a hero thing.
I'd definitely come back for more!
(I'm skipping the errors because those I've found (and not found) were pointed out by Rosey *applauds*)

~Have a nice day!
Meep(:

Hello Sumi!

You complain about your ability to hook, but you've done a great job here.

There were only two things in the world a man like Edgar should fear, and one of them was sitting in front of him, consulting a world atlas.

You have neglected to tell us the other thing he should fear. I don't know if this was your intention, but you have so much room to make a wisecrack here that I wouldn't even resist the urge. Perhaps, add on to the end something along the lines of: "The other thing that Edgar feared was the absence of a restroom when he needed it most desperately." Alternatively, you could use a line like the one above to end off your chapter.

“I see… Lantica, either?”

Perhaps, "How about Lantica?"

The Baroness stood up and walked to the computer, sitting down in a hovering chair and tucking her legs beneath her.

You imply in this line that she stood up and sat down at the same time. Perhaps a period after "computer". You could then rephrase the remainder of the sentence: "She sat down in a hoverchair and tucked her legs beneath her."

I am going to revolutionize the way villainy is used.

Perhaps, "I am going to revolutionize the very idea of villainy."

Like I said, my fellow villains are mostly fools drunk on power, and too concerned with envy and such like that.” She waved a hand noncommittally. “And they don’t know the way to win.”

When did she say this?

"I know you're sterile. This is your chance..."

Ouch, this is vicious!

I really like the style with which you carry out the narration of this piece. It's light, and it's gripping at the same time. I hope the review helped.

Have a good one!

Yoda