Young Writers Society

WARNING! Some of this may contain graphic or obscure things that may not be suitable for children.

Prologue


"In which we meet two men, the shepherd and a lamb."

“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.”
-Emmanuel Teney





The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement. The one lying on the floor was a Mr. Steven Miller. He was on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood. They were all still connected to him. The other one was standing besides the man. Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp. Steven began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.
“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to Steven. However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon. He was dressed in finely garmented, and expensive clothing. Someone would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family. “There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. Jack shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy.

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor. He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth. Steven was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?”

The elegantly dressed man stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender hand on his chin he pondered his question. “You do not understand why?”

He started to giggle, which lead to full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. Jack's heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes Jack feel both pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before Jack.”

The man than stomped his foot onto Steven's back. He wailed like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “Jack grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”

He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You little lamb have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. You have done whatever you can to make the devil's paper. You have lied, raped the innocent for your amusement, and you have forgotten God. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because Jack shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence the man began to repeatedly jab the knife into Steven's back, till he stopped squirming. Blood squirted out of the cuts and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! Jack has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbor.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”





*How was that! I hope I made the crazy man talk really fancy!*

Bravo Bravo, This is a really good start to a story. The way you describe the movement and emotions of the characters was really good, I had no problem visualizing what was going on. Also, good use of adjectives.
I only have a few suggestions to make it better:

one of which was lying on the floor with his organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood.

Here you could describe the organs on the floor instead of just telling us there are organs on the floor,

Thats about all of the suggestions I have for You. I really like this and I can't wait to read the rest of the story. I love crazy killers in disguise

HURRAY! I am glad you liked it Zakku! I somehow randomly got an idea for a story. A girl who lives next to a murderer. *W00T*

I will definitely describe the organs better! Also, tehehe... this will be much more than just a horror story. Much more. Well the next chapter you meet our beloved (and diluted) heroin!

Here's the review you asked for!

In which we meet two men,

the shepherd

and the lamb.

Hmm, not too sure about this. You should put it in quotation marks and have it as a reference, and then have one at the beginning of each chapter.

The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas.

Nice starting sentence. A little too long for my liking, but I still think it's good!

The organs included his intestates, gallbladder, spleen and liver.

You don't need this... It sounds a little too matter-of-fact-ish, and it pulls the reader out of the scene.
-Oh, and you spelt "intestines" wrong-

The other one was standing besides the man. He was holding a red colored butcher knife. The man lying on the floor was trembling with fear. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.

This is also a little too obvious. How about this:

Asxz wrote:Shaking in the other mans hand was a butchers knife, glinting in the weak basement glow it pierced his eyes, but he didn't notice. The thought of his impending doom caused the former to stutter.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult [COMMA HERE] especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him[s]self[/s].

He was no doubly going to sleep [COMMA HERE] and never open his eyes.

Umm... Not sure what this means. You mean that he was "no doubt going to sleep, and never open his eyes." Even if you touch it up like that, it is a very weak sentence. It needs some work. how about this:

Asxz wrote:This is what it feels like, he thought to himself, still petrified at the concept that his eyes would never open again. No butterflies or reminiscing in the good old days, just lying on the floor in a pool of your own blood. How pathetic!

“My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its [own] troubled mind.

Ending his sentence the man jabbed the butcher knife into the backside of the man’s head. Blood squirted out of the cute and splashed against his pearl white face.

LOL... cute. You mean "cut" I presume!

“Oh, it is past noon! This one has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbors.”

I know you want the man to talk fancy, but abbreviations are really what happens now-a-days!

Any-who - Good story, i look forward to reading more! Can you please PM me when the first chapter is up?

Thanks for using my (Will review for food - Free service - )

Thanks for the review! I will edit this, however I have a question.


In which we meet two men,

the shepherd

and the lamb.


Hmm, not too sure about this. You should put it in quotation marks and have it as a reference, and then have one at the beginning of each chapter.

I tried to slant the words and put some space between the phrase and the main part, but nothing happened. what does that mean?

You did slant the words! you might just want to have it as a famous quote or something, from another book... or a famous saying. I've read books like that, and it works alright. I just seems off to have a little saying like that with nothing directly after it, you know what I mean?

EDIT: Oh, sorry about that... You aren't going to have it in the actual book, right? I was thinking that it was a little saying that fits in with the chapter, what you have is more of a preface-ish sort of thing!

it's ok ^_^ I am just not too sure what famous quote to use. Is it ok if I add one in and you can tell me what you think of it?

Sure, just Make sure it's relevent to teh story, and then it'll be fine!

Thanks! I will try my best. Besides if it has nothing to do with ANYTHING I will just change it.

Hey there,

First off - I like the way you start your story with the quotes.

Secondly... here's the review! *cheer* (Hehe, yes; I'm mildly overenthusiastic ^^ but I'm having a good day, so bear with me while I *squee* my way through the review, 'kay? )


The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas. Good opening sentence: it immediatly catches the reader's attention. I'd advise a slight rewording though, such as: The blood splattered against the cement floor, the way a paintbrush smudges crimson red paint against a black canvas. Okay, bad example; but... try to reword the sentence to make it stronger.

Repetition:

Be careful with it; read your sentences out loud (this also allows you do find out if the sentence 'flows' well. Two birds with one stone! *squee*!) and pay extra attention to words that you use too often.

Characters:

You've written some mean maniacs of characters; well done! Nothing negative to say about the characters, really; they're good enough to be worth a positive mention ^^ 'cause the crazy guy was pretty damn crazy.

Also, you write good dialogue. I like it.

Spelling:

Unfortunately the English language has too many words that are far too alike when you say them, but when you write them a single letter (or several of them) can change the meaning entirely. Examples:

He whaled like a newborn infant. Whale = the animal. Wail = what a baby does. ^^

took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. [s]hanker chief[/s] handkerchief. Also, the "black formal jacket chest pocket" is too much of a word cluster of telling.


I love the last sentence; it's super creepy. Well done. The piece was well-written, I think... just take care of the abovementioned things and then it's great.

PM me for anything!

XxxDo

Ps. *squee!* xD

Here I am as you requested , and it seems the first review since you last edited it, so I really hope this helps you out!! (:
As always, all my comments etc will be in bold and I will talk you through my review at the end =D
[?]= I've added something in that I'm not too sure about

Maki-Chan wrote:[s]The[/s] Blood was splattered [s]against[/s] across [I think that word fits better?]the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement [Try showing instead of telling here. I can see after this you go on to describe the two men, so instead of stating that they're there and then going on to describe them, show us that they're there by describing them instead - does that make sense? So you could say: two men lay on the floor of the basement, blood splattered messily across their otherwise pristine uniform... That's bad writing, but do you get what I mean - just basically cut the bit I've underlined and instead go straight into describing them - what do you think?]. One of which was lying on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood [this is great imagery, well done (: ]. [s]They were all still connected to him.[/s] The other one was standing besides the dead [?] man; glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher's knife in his ___ [I think a verb is needed here to describe his grasp, otherwise the sentence doesn't flow too well - and amazing descriptions so far, well done!! (: ] grasp. The man lying on the floor began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.
“P-please…” he [s]tried[/s] whimpered, but he found [s]it[/s] speaking quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood. [I think some work is needed on this sentence here... I've gone over it, and added and taken a few bits out, but I'm still not quite too sure how to phrase this sentence... If I was you, I would go over this and try and rephrase it?]

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher's knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to him. However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon; he was dressed in such a finely garment [s]someone[/s] that [?] would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family.
[NP >>]“There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. This one shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His [now, there are two men in the room so just using the pronoun could cause confusion for your reader, as we lose the gist as to who he/him etc actually is, so try and come up with some kind of nickname or something that we, as readers of your novel, can use to differ the two men - what do you think?] tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher's knife his words would have been as sweet as candy.

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor. He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth [now, this sounds like a leap from the last paragraph, causing them to not flow into each other nicely, which isn't good =P . So, I would look over the ending of the previous paragraph and the start of this paragraph and find some way to link the two together to avoid this paragraph sounding as though it's been dropped out of nowhere - which it certainly hasn't!! (: ]. He was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?” [As I said in the last piece I reviewed for you, try not to overuse stuttered speech]

The elegantly dressed man [brilliant you've used a term to split the two men apart from each other, so we don't get confused as to who's doing what - brilliant!! ] stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender [both descriptions basically mean the same thing - just pick one of them (: ] hand on his chin he pondered his question. “You do not understand why?”

He [again, who's he?] started to giggle, which lead to full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. This one’s heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes this one both feels pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before this one.”

The man than stomped his foot onto the injured man’s back. He whaled like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “This one grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”

He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You[comma] little lamb[comma] have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because this one before you shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence the man jabbed the butcher knife into the backside of the man’s head. Blood squirted out of the cut and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment wasted he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker[delete gap - it's all one word]chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker[delete gap]chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! This one has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbors.”
[Now that was a perfect imagery and I could just picture everything exactly, so great job (:]

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.” [Oooh, eerie ending - great job!!]

Last Minute Views
Stuttering
I noticed this (and pointed it out) in your last piece I reviewed - you seem to like your characters to stutter a lot. Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with using stuttered speech, it's just that if you overuse it, it just becomes meaningless, so lets say for arguments sake you have a character that is stuttering because they're really scared, but because the speech throughout has used a lot of stuttering, the overall effect is lost, so we as readers don't get the feeling that they're scared. It's a bit like the case of the boy who cried wolf - do you get my drift or am I just speaking jibberish. You must say if I am (: Anywhoo, on to the next point!!

He = who?
Now the last paragraph where the man killed the other one was amazing writing, so well done, however it was slightly ruined by the fact that I didn't know who he was!! I couldn't tell the difference between the two, which slightly lost me through reading it (and other points of the chapter), and is certainly what you don't want happening as it's such a great chapter with amazing imagery, descriptions, and writing (: . So, I was thinking of ways to help this little spot of bother out and I figured that because the man who killed the other one called him lamb, maybe you could refer to him as 'his little lamb' - what do you think?

Descriptions/Imagery
I could find absolutely nothing wrong with the descriptions and imagery of this chapter - you did an amazing job, so well done!!

Overall Comments
I thought that this was a really great chapter (and if I may say so) a lot better than the other piece I reviewed for you - I just knew you were an amazing writer, which you certainly proved here!!!
Well done on a great chapter Maki-Chan, and I really hope this review helps you out!! Also, if you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to PM me =D.

Good luck with this piece and keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx

thanks for your guys review. I wish I could edit but at this point I can barely read. I hate having colds v_v

Hey Maki! Thanks for added this to my "Will Review" thread! I am more than happy to review! And to apologize before hand, I didn't read the comments above, so I may be repeating a few things here and there. Anywhoo, moving on:

The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas.

I have a few nitpicks here. Where you say "smudging" makes no sense. You first begin by saying it was splattered, now you're saying it's been smudged. Those are two entirely different things. You may want to say "like a crimson red paint against a black canvas". Which brings me to another thing; You've said "against" twice in this sentence. When you read it out loud, it sounds weird. So perhaps find another word to describe it?

the man Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

No need for 'glinting' to be capitalized, dear.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

'He tried to whimper'. I also thing that there should be a semicolon after "difficult", to bring more flow into the sentence. But you don't have to listen to the old lady behind the green curtain.

He was no doubly going

Doubt, I think you mean.

He started to giggle, which lead to full out maniacal laughter

Giggle seems a bit too... girlish in this case. I might suggest "chuckle" in this case?

But enough of the nitpicks!

You've got a nice prologue going on here. It certainly makes you wonder just who this 'elegantly dressed man' is and why he's so obsesses with sheep. He actually seems like quite the catch, despite being some wack job murderer. I love the muted suspense you've got going on here. It's not a whole lot, but enough to where the reader is hoping for this poor man's life not to end. Get away! Escape! Anyway, awesome start to a novel! Excellent job!

-Holly

Hey, Maki-chan!

Here as requested. I guess you liked my review of your Silent Hill fan fic, huh?

Onto the review...

"In which we meet two men,
the shepherd
and the lamb."

I'm a bit confused as to why this is in quotes. No one is using it as dialogue. If it is simply meant to be a description for the prologue, I would put it in italics. That is generally how you write summaries/subheadings.

The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas.

Excellent first sentence.

The other one was standing besides the man Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

You forgot to add a period before Glinting.

The man lying on the floor began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.

This seems odd to me, because I know he must have been mutilated by some sort of weapon before this -- why should he be surprised by a butcher knife?
I feel like he should be begging for death and already shaking in the first place.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

The part a bolded made no sense.
First of all, de-capitalize the "he".
Try rewording it as, "he tried to whimper,"
The choking on blood part made it seem like you were trying to hard to make the story graphic.
Make the violence flow with the sentence...

What I mean is, right now, it feels like you are adding violence just for kicks.
To me this sentence reads like, "He tried whimpering but OMG GUESS WHAT! HE'S CHOKING ON BLOOD! ISN'T THAT SCARY AND GRAPHIC???"

It seems like you trying too hard to gross me out. Whereas a sentence such as, "The mans whimpering gurgled in his throat, and he spat out a globule of blood. His chest heaved as his own lifeblood drowned him."

I personally think mine flows better. The violence has become a part of the basic story instead of added awkwardly.

Does that make any sense?

In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to him.

Take this out. I realize the dying man isn't a fan of his murderer. ^_^

He was dressed in finely garmented, and expensive clothing.

This sentence makes no sense because you have two verbs -- dressed and garmented. Choose one.

"He was dressed in fine garments." makes the most sense.

I would also remove to expensive clothing -- fine garments and expensive clothing are basically the same thing.

man weren’t

Wasn't.

besides him.

Beside him. Besides is an entirely different word.

Maki -- I have to go now, so I am going to post this review in two parts, okay?

Sorry!

I will review the rest later.

--Sakura

Dear, you posted in at least nineteen different 'Will Review for Food' threads. Although I'm not sure if there's a concrete rule for this, it slightly irritates me and I'm sure not everyone will be too keen to review your piece after realizing this.

But, I'm a girl of my word, so I'll give a quick overview.

He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood

You should proof-read before posting. This has both a grammar and a spelling mistake, which makes us think you don't care enough about your work to even read it a second time.

Should be: He tried whimpering, but found it quite difficult since he was choking on his own blood.

He was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man.

Makes no sense. Unless I'm reading it wrong?

Description:

Not sure if the dying man's organs should be partially out of his body. . I'm pretty sure he'd be dead by then, and at least unconscious. Maybe he is drowning in his own blood, sure, but organs? He'd be long dead.

Other than that, your description is done well. I can imagine the crazy murderer in his prim and proper suit, weilding his knife. It's a nice touch that he thinks he's doing this for God. I think you could elaborate a bit more on his movements; does he twitch as the knife glistens in his hand? Dies he blink a lot? Is there the look of a maniac glinting in his eyes, or is the beat of his heart exactly in time to the victim's favorite song? How is he saying these things? With menace? As if he's doing the victim a favor? These are little things that a dying person could notice. It would make us sympathize more with this poor guy, methinks.

Dialogue:

What bugs me the most is how the murdere keeps saying 'this one'. I understand that it's a choice you made to try and characterize him more as being eccentric and out-there, but there are other titles one could come up with the call themselves if one happened to be a mass murderer. Third person, for example. He could call himself by his name. He could even use a whole assortment of names, changing from day to day for no apparent reason. There's so much you could do with an eccentric character, and oftentimes they can be the most fun to develop.

Anyhoo, the killer's dialogue seems very forced. All the repition is good, how he keeps muttering 'little lamb', but a lunatic would hardly be in a state of mine to utter these long, flowing phrases you have coming from him. I can imagine a jolly laugh as he stands with his knife, or even absentmindedly whistling a random tune. But this fancy talk (I know that was what you were going for, so I suppose you did it right) just doesn't seem the most plausible. Ya?

Your style as a whole

It's very nice, methinks, although I'd like to see you add more of what either character is thinking; right now it's as if we're witnessing this on the other side of a sheet of glass. We can't fully connect with what's going on, because we're not sure how your characters are feeling. Bad, of course. Someone dying would certainly be in pain. But what about the killer? Does he realize what he's doing? Does he consider himself a saint. You don't necessarily have to actually write down his thoughts, but little things -- abnormal, strange dialogue, quirks like biting his nails -- could add so much to allow us to get a solid grip on these characters.

Continuing

I do not think it would be wise to make this terribly gory. One can only stand so many organs spilling over the floor, and you'll have to tread carefully as you consider how you're going to excecute this manic psycho killer; you don't want us to nurse a deep hatred for him that we'll never get over. It would be to your benefit to give this murderer some redeeming qualities, or even a great personality. I'd love to have my heart and mind torn in two whether to hate or love this lunatic. Sounds weird, I know, but if you make your readers truly feel something, you're doing your job.

I'll be interested in where this goes. But next time, try to not ask nineteen people for reviews. Then, they tend to lose their meaning. Understand?

~Evi