Young Writers Society

This is the second part of my prelude to MT. Enjoy.
[s]&&&&&&&&&&&&&[/s]


Kelly-
He wasn’t the same. But I could tolerate it. At least he was spending time with me again.
After the hell of sophomore year was done and gone with, I was starting to think my life wasn’t completely over. I’d been so close to Joshua, that when he’d started to ignore me, it felt like a knife through my back.
Saturday night was here in all its mid-weekend glory, my parents had gone to dinner, and we were watching Titanic. Joshua and I were all stretched out on the couch, curling up to each other with a buffet of cheetos and pretzels on the coffee table, just like it used to be. But he wasn’t how he used to be.
His form against mine was rigid and stiff, he hardly moved at all from the same position during the whole film. While I was burning to know what was bothering him, I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to ruin the night we were finally spending together.
The ship was sinking, little by little the thousands of tons of iron disappeared into the sea. The stern flashed across the screen, bearing the title, Titanic, Liverpool.
I could never get through this part without crying, without letting everything go and just sobbing. I never watched this movie with anyone but Joshua, he was the only one I chose to see me cry.
He sat up and I curled up to sit on his lap, turning myself from the screen. His arms wrapped around my back, but loosely, gingerly, like he was carrying something fragile. I pushed myself up and sat straight, staring into his eyes. I didn’t know what to make of them. So clouded and struggling they were.
Before I could open my lips to say anything, he shoved me away violently onto the couch. He began pacing in front of me, running his hands through his hair every few seconds, knotting it between his fingers before grunting and crossing the threshold once more.
Carefully I reached for the remote with a graceful hand and pressed the mute button. I sat up and didn’t even bother to wipe the smudged tears from my face.
“What’s wrong Joshua? God, whatever it is you can tell me. I love you.” I wrung my hands together nervously; he was really starting to scare me.
The light of a rescue boat flashed across the television screen, illuminating the room just enough so that I could see his face, but it wasn’t his. In that half a second time period when I looked upon him, I could tell that something was wrong, too wrong. In the next half second he was upon me, pinning me to the couch cushions with one hand while the other was desperately battling with the drawstring of my sweatpants.
I grabbed handfuls of his tee shirt in my fists trying to control him, but it did no good. My pants came off with one swift motion. Then it all hit me. Joshua was raping me. Raping. Me.
The thing that was declared from newsstands, and broadcasted from eleven o’clock shows with the serious faces of local reporters. The thing that had happened to my mother two days before she was killed. It was happening to me.
I struggled against him, pushing every muscle I had against his brawn. Fighting to curl myself away from him. But he was stronger, much stronger.
He had his fingers at the waistband of my underwear, a few more seconds and it would be all over. It wouldn’t end like this, it couldn’t. With every ounce of emotion I had I screamed his name into the shocked to silence air.
And he stopped. It felt like everything in the world stopped, except my trembling. My extreme fear, and hope that this was all a twisted nightmare materialized in the violent shaking of my entire body.
I stared up at his face, watching and waiting to see what he would do. Realization started to creep into his eyes, his thumbs resting at my hipbones trembled ever so slightly, but through it I could feel him completely crumble.
Another half second and I could feel the room’s air settle over my body once more. Joshua stood and grabbed his jacket from the coffee table, he wouldn’t look at me.
Another half-second and he was at the front door, pulling it open and then slamming it as he ran off, the warm September night greeting him with soft zephyr’s he didn’t deserve.
The quiet fell upon me now, as I pulled my knees to my chest, blanketing my stunned figure in thick waves of somber reflection.
The happy ending was upon the screen now, gorgeous sunlight pouring through the glass domed ceiling, as hundreds of Titanic victims finally got to witness the beautiful and heavenly moment of a reunited love.
I’d always loved this part, the dream ending for the people who had suffered long enough to deserve it a thousand times over.
But the only boy in the world who knew that, had just run off with every chance of me ever having one.

Hello! Here again as requested for the second apart!

Here we go -


Joshua and I were all spread out on the couch, curling up to each other with a buffet of cheetos and pretzels spread out on the coffee table, just like it used to be. - You used spread twice in a short space. Use a thesaurus to try and change up the words so it flows better. I don't like repetition, although I am sometimes guilty of it without noticing lol

little by little the thousands of tons or iron disappeared into the sea - I think you meant of instead of or

knotting it though his fingers before grunting and crossing the threshold once more. - through not though. I make that mistake a lot lol

before grunting and crossing the threshold once more. - Did you mean that he started to pace again? To me threshold means like a doorway. As in some crosses the threshold into a house or something like that. Perhaps another word would work better here.

was47 desperately battling - 47? I don't think you mean to put that there

The thing that had happened to my mother two days before she was killed. - I felt like this line was oddly placed. It just kind of felt weird in a dramatic scene to reveal this sort of plot point. It threw me completely out of the story.

But the only boy in the world who knew that, had just run off with every chance of my ever having one - I think you meant me

I quite liked this part of the prelude, although to me it did feel like I was reading a chapter rather than an introduction to a story. The almost rape scene definitely caught me, I stopped really thinking about critiquing and was absorbed in the story to the point where my heart was hammering slightly lol so well done on that!

I feel like we didn't have as much time to get into Kelly's head as we did to get into Joshua's head in the previous part. I would have liked to have had more of her thought processes about why Joshua was ignoring her. Perhaps you could even do a rundown of her past couple of years like you did with Joshua, so we know how every thing that Joshua has done, has affected her.

I enjoyed this though Pm me if you have any questions or want any help.

Bex x

Here's 2/2 reviews... enjoy!!

silverSUNLIGHTx wrote:Kelly-
He wasn’t the same, but I could tolerate it. At least he was spending time with me again.
After the hell of sophomore year was done [s]and gone[/s] with, I was starting to think my life wasn’t completely over. I’d been so close to Joshua, that when he’d started to ignore me, it felt like a knife through my back [brilliant!! Now I'm really getting to know your MCs thoughts/feelings about their 'separation' - so do the same as you've done here for Joshua (: ].
Saturday night was here [again, this seems kinda random, so I have a little suggestion. You need to keep the above bit, so I would start it off with this paragraph, and slip the above bits into the rest - what do you think? Now, if you don't at all understand what I just said, then say (: ] in all its mid-weekend glory. My parents had gone to dinner, and we were watching Titanic [Names of films/novels etc should always be in italics]. Joshua and I were all stretched out on the couch, curling up to each other with a buffet of cheetos and pretzels on the coffee table, just like it used to be. But he wasn’t how he used to be.
His form against mine was rigid and stiff, he hardly moved at all from the same position during the whole film. While I was burning to know what was bothering him, I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to ruin the night we were finally spending together.
The ship was sinking,[replace with semi-colon] little by little the thousands of tons of iron disappeared into the sea. The stern flashed across the screen, bearing the title, Titanic, Liverpool.
I could never get through this part without crying, without letting everything go and just sobbing. I never watched this movie with anyone but Joshua,[replace with semi colon] he was the only one I chose to see me cry.
He sat up and I curled up to sit on his lap, turning myself from the screen. His arms wrapped around my back, but loosely, gingerly, like he was [s]carrying[/s] holding something fragile. I pushed myself up and sat straight, staring into his eyes. I didn’t know what to make of them. So clouded and struggling they were [this is quite awkward sounding - I would try and link it up with the previous sentence?].
Before I could open my lips to say anything, he shoved me away violently onto the couch. He began pacing in front of me, running his hands through his hair every few seconds, knotting it between his fingers before grunting and crossing the threshold once more. [What is your MC thinking/feeling whilst she's watching this...]
Carefully I reached for the remote with a graceful [wrong word to use - I always think of it as a word that someone else uses to describe, not themselves, so I would try and replace it?] hand and pressed the mute button. I sat up and didn’t even bother to wipe the smudged tears from my face.
“What’s wrong Joshua? God, whatever it is you can tell me. I love you.” I wrung my hands together nervously; he was really starting to scare me.
The light of a rescue boat flashed across the television screen, illuminating the room just enough so that I could see his face, but it wasn’t his. In that half a second time period when I looked upon him, I could tell that something was wrong, too wrong. In the next half second he was upon me, pinning me to the couch cushions with one hand while the other was desperately battling with the drawstring of my sweatpants.
I grabbed handfuls of his tee shirt in my fists trying to control him, but it did no good. My pants came off with one swift motion. Then it all hit me. Joshua was raping me.
[NP to add impact>>]Raping. Me.
The thing that was declared from newsstands, and broadcasted from eleven o’clock shows with the serious faces of local reporters. The thing that had happened to my mother two days before she was killed. It was now happening to me.
I struggled against him, pushing every muscle I had against his brawn. Fighting to curl myself away from him. But he was stronger, much too strong[s]er[/s].
He had his fingers at the waistband of my underwear, a few more seconds and it would be all over. It wouldn’t end like this, it couldn’t. With every ounce of emotion I had I screamed his name into the shocked to [deosn't make sense] silence air.
And he stopped. It felt like everything in the world stopped, except my trembling. My extreme fear, and hope that this was all a twisted nightmare materialized in the violent shaking of my entire body.
I stared up at his face, watching and waiting to see what he would do. Realization started to creep into his eyes, his thumbs resting at my hipbones trembled ever so slightly, but through it I could feel him completely crumble.
Another half second and I could feel the room’s air settle over my body once more. Joshua stood and grabbed his jacket from the coffee table, he wouldn’t look at me.
Another half-second [you've used 'half-seconds' to show the timing a lot through this - there's no need to say the exact timing with which it all happened] and he was at the front door, pulling it open and then slamming it as he ran off, the warm September night greeting him with soft zephyr’s he didn’t deserve.
The quiet fell upon me now, as I pulled my knees to my chest, blanketing my stunned figure in thick waves of somber reflection.
The happy ending was upon the screen now, gorgeous sunlight pouring through the glass domed ceiling, as hundreds of Titanic victims finally got to witness the beautiful and heavenly moment of a reunited love.
I’d always loved this part, the dream ending for the people who had suffered long enough to deserve it a thousand times over.
But the only boy in the world who knew that, had just run off with every chance of me ever having one. [Oooh... awesome ending!!]

Last Minute Views
The Beginning
Now, as I probably confused you earlier on, I'll try and make myself a little clearer. So, this bit here:
He wasn’t the same, but I could tolerate it. At least he was spending time with me again.
After the hell of sophomore year was done with, I was starting to think my life wasn’t completely over. I’d been so close to Joshua, that when he’d started to ignore me, it felt like a knife through my back
Is really great and I want you to keep it, but then the next paragraph starts off as Saturday night was here... and the whole thing just doesn't link together. So, what I suggest is for you to take the beginning (He wasn't the same, but I could tolerate it.. bit) and subtly add it into the rest of the story - maybe have her being pleased about them both finally being together and then carry on with the above... do you get what I mean?

Your MC's thoughts/feelings
The same as with the other chapter, extend into your MC's thoughts/feelings and delve deep into her mind.

Overall Thoughts
This was an amazing chapter, brilliantly described and written - great job. I think the prelude to this story is very good and together it will certainly draw the reader in to read the rest of you novel, which is great!! =D I also certainly didn't see the rape coming, so well done on concealing that surprise so well!! =D. Amazing job - gold star for both pieces I think are in order .
If you have any questions/need any further help, please don't hesitate to PM me, as I'll be more than happy to help . Also, if you're in need of another review, just click the link below!!

Great job on this and keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx

Ooh!! And good luck with the rest of your novel

I really like the story. The story consists of a good mood and the details especially the physical description of the character was well done. You have also describe the environment well especially the character, lantern.

One thing I like in this story is the sense of twist. You gave the character Lantern a kind and sensible attitude when you first introduce her but near the end, you were able to contradict lantern’s behaviour and show her what she really is, a murderer. However, the ending was a little poor. I do not know what is it yet but there is something missing there. But all in all, the combination of twist, detail and how you deliver the characters is what I like best. One question though…why would a mass murderer be kind

foxfire wrote:I really like the story. The story consists of a good mood and the details especially the physical description of the character was well done. You have also describe the environment well especially the character, lantern.

One thing I like in this story is the sense of twist. You gave the character Lantern a kind and sensible attitude when you first introduce her but near the end, you were able to contradict lantern’s behaviour and show her what she really is, a murderer. However, the ending was a little poor. I do not know what is it yet but there is something missing there. But all in all, the combination of twist, detail and how you deliver the characters is what I like best. One question though…why would a mass murderer be kind

Huh?