Young Writers Society

Alright, I've already posted a short story called Message Three and it was suggested that I write a "before" story for it. So here it is in all its wordy glory. This is only the first part of my prelude, and there's another part to come shortly.

I know it's really not the greatest, so rip it apart as you please and I'll rebuild.
[s]&&&&&&&&&&&[/s]
Joshua-
We were best friends in love. Kelly and I. Any onlookers glance would for sure determine that we were a couple, and none of our friends were ever absolutely sure of our relationship status. But Kelly and I knew, and that was enough.
We weren’t a couple and we weren’t just friends. We were best friends, the most important people in each other’s life. The way we were in sync with one another I couldn’t even begin to describe. But it had always been so easy; being to Kelly was the most natural thing in the world to me.
The first time I saw her, she pushed me off a swing. A faint skid of blood marked my loss of kindergarten pride that day, and the deluge of tears I cried, caused her enough guilt to salvage me a purple band-aid from the nurse’s office. Since that incident, we were inseparable. I always said, once a girl gives you a purple band-aid, there’s no going back.
Our relationship grew fast from that time on. By the time we’d been herded through second grade, we’d gotten as close as any two people get at that age. Parents, teachers, and schoolchildren alike teased us for it constantly. But we didn’t care, we were happy. Throughout all those years it felt like the sun shined on us alone. For us alone. For our antics and our pleasures and every summer day we passed together outdoors, dying our hair blond in the lazy rays.
High school came like a tidal wave. Filled with new friends, homework, crushes, sports, peer pressure. All that cliché stuff. Our steel forged bond started to wither ever so slightly. I could tell it hurt her. It was an immense blow to the solid structure we’d built out of each passing year.
I couldn’t make it to her house three times a week anymore. I joined the basketball team. She was on the Academic Squad. I could tell when I cancelled on her multiple times, she would cry about it that night. She would mourn for hours the perfect childhood we’d once entertained.
Sophomore year was when every candle in my life burnt out. Every candle except hers. The year that my string of girlfriends started.
In September I started dating a girl named Grace. She was pretty and smart, and things between us started to heat up within the first month. I never planned on anything that would go too far. I just thought we’d fool around a little and that would be it.
I was still on the basketball team then. And every so often on half days, we’d all get together for pizza.
“So Joshua. How are things getting along with Grace nowadays?” asked Trevor, his sandy brown hair falling into his eyes as he leaned over his Pepsi.
“Me and Grace? Fine.” I answered, wondering why the hell he even cared.
“So…” started Landon, with a crooked smile on his face, “Have you scored yet?”
I began to feel uncomfortable; I ran a hand through my hair and took a sip of my water. “None of your business, man.”
“Come on, tell us. We’re all dudes here,” he retorted.
I rolled my eyes, “No we haven’t done anything like that, no.”
“Aw bummer.” said Trevor. “Valerie and I hooked up a couple nights ago. Aw, man. Best time of my life.”
The other guys praised this with a chorus of congratulations and high fives. And it got me thinking. Should Grace and I go there? Did she want to? Did I want to?
Two nights later we had the opportunity, she was willing and I was curious. So it happened, and I liked it. Too much.
I started to pressure her to have sex with me two and three nights a week, more and more as time continued to pass. And when she failed to comply, I dumped her mercilessly.
But I was hooked now. Slowly but surely it began to take over my life. I started going for the sluttiest girls I could find. I thought about it constantly and how I could get more. That one thing was running my life. Every other part of myself was screaming, this is wrong! Stop! But I couldn’t. It was as if I was a man possessed.
School was horrible that year, my desires made me tense all throughout the day. In class I’d grip onto the metal bars of the desks, trying to make them subside so I could focus. But I never could, I never did. I barely scraped by that year.
I tried as hard as I could to hide it from Kelly. When those times arose when I couldn’t deny my lechery, I stayed away from her; I told her I was too busy to see her. I dished out every lie in the book to keep me from her, to keep her from finding out.
She tried not to cry in front of me when I refused her, but a few times she barely made it. I couldn’t remember why she thought she couldn’t cry in front of me anymore.
This went on for months. I tried to see her as often as I could when I’d been okay for a few days. I pretended like my life depended on it, I tried to act like nothing was wrong, but sometimes I just couldn’t do it. She often asked me why I was acting this way, why I was so different. Mostly, I told her I was getting really stressed out. She bought it, sort of.
I suffered like this up until junior year. I’d had at least ten girlfriends the following year, and had cheated multiple times. Kelly was starting to get worried about me, and confronted me often about my “stress problem.” But I kept distancing myself from her more and more. As much as it hurt, it hurt more to have her as a constant reminder of what I was doing.
So at the beginning of junior year I’d had enough. I tried to stop cold turkey. I broke up with my current girlfriend and didn’t ask out another. I tried to spend more time with Kelly, I tried to ignore those thoughts that kept creeping into my head, smashing them down so far into myself, I tried to bury them. This went on for a month; I thought I was doing well. Life was getting to be a living hell, but I hadn’t given in yet. I hoped to God I wouldn’t again.

Hello! I thought this was really good, especially for a prelude. It gives some background information that is probably important.
But I'm in a nitpicking mood today, so let's get crackin!

I could never really describe our relationship fully.

Fully doesn't sound good right there. Maybe use another adverb, like completely.

And every so often on half days we’d all get together for pizza.

Take out that and. It doesn't sound good there.

Slowly but surely, it began to take over my life.

Don't forget those commas. You did that a couple of times all through the post.

Good job again! This was good. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Hey, silver sunlight nice to meet you. I'm here as requested!

So here it goes -


Any onlookers glance would for sure determine that we were a couple, and none of our friends were ever positive of our relationship status. - I don't quite understand this sentence. So when you see them they look like a couple but their friends don't know if they are a couple or not? I think you need to re-think this sentence. Reading on it seems a bit clearer but I think you should replace 'and' with 'but'.

But it had always been so easy, like talking to Kelly was the most natural thing in the world. - I think you could stand to lose the word 'like' in this sentence. It seems a bit redundant and I don't think it is the correct use for it.

“Me and Grace? Fine.” I answered, wondering what the hell he was doing sticking his nose into my business.
“So…” started Landon, with a crooked smile on his face, “Have you scored yet?”
I began to feel uncomfortable; I ran a hand through my hair and took a sip of my water. “None of your business, man.” - You used business twice in the sense of his personal life. I think it would be good to perhaps change one of these to something else.

Even though he is supposed to be out with the basket ball team, I think you had too many names floating around here. You introduced too many people in other words. Perhaps Joshua only talks about these things with a few of his friends or maybe he is just casually talking to a couple of the basketball team and not a whole load of them.

Ever other part of myself was screaming, - I think you meant Every

It was an interesting prelude, I sort of like how you are introducing us into the story and of course that is what a prelude should do. One problem I have is a likability factor with Joshua, even though you put that he knows it is wrong but keeps doing it, still doesn't make me like him lol Perhaps this is what you wanted though. You run through his thoguhts very well if not a little fast sometimes but it is a prelude. I got a good sense of what is going on in his head and that is good when your writing characters I think.

It's interesting though, I'm wondering at the moment why it is in Other fiction and not Romance but perhaps you will reveal that later or maybe I should read your short story lol

Keep writing and if you have any questions feel free to PM me I'll head on over and review the second part now.

Bex x

Ok jade, I loved it! It explained the situation well and is great for a prelude. There is just a few things i saw.

I could never really describe our relationship fully.

this sentence doesn't really make much sense. do you mean:

I could never completely describe our relationship.

I joined the basketball team. She was on the Academic Squad

maybe combine this into one sentence, i don't know. Sorry this isn't the best but i'm half falling asleep here. sorry jade, i'll have to finish later!

Heyy, here's your promised 1/2 reviews (: I haven't read the other reviews so I'm sorry if I repeat anything, and I hope this review helps you out!! Here we go... =D

silverSUNLIGHTx wrote:Joshua-
We were best friends in love.[replace with comma] Kelly and I. Any onlookers glance would for sure determine that we were a couple, and none of our friends were ever absolutely sure of our relationship status [that's quite an awkward sounding sentence, I would try and rephrase it? You could maybe try: Any onlookers sneaking a glance would determine that we were a couple, even though none of our friends were sure of our relationship. I've hardly changed anything, but it sounds a lot better, what do you think?]. But Kelly and I knew, and that was enough.
We weren’t a couple and we weren’t just friends. We were best friends, the most important people in each other’s life. The way we were in sync with one another I couldn’t even begin to describe. But it had always been so easy; being to Kelly [that doesn't make sense... have you missed out a word?]was the most natural thing in the world to me.
The first time I saw her, she had pushed me off a swing. A faint skid of blood marked my loss of kindergarten pride that day, and the deluge of tears I cried,[delete comma] caused her enough guilt to salvage me a purple band-aid from the nurse’s office. Since that incident,[delete comma] we were inseparable. I always said, once a girl gives you a purple band-aid, there’s no going back.
Our relationship grew fast from that time on. By the time we’d been herded through second grade, we’d gotten as close as any two people get at that age.
[NP>>]Parents, teachers, and schoolchildren alike teased us for it constantly. But [try to cut down on starting a sentence with a connective. You can probably cut this one as it isn't really needed] we didn’t care, we were happy. Throughout all those years it felt like the sun shined on us alone. For us alone [try not to repeat the same word closely together - try and replace this one]. For our antics and our pleasures and every summer day we passed together outdoors, dying our hair blond in the lazy rays [I would cut this bit as it doesn't really fit in - it sounds slightly out of place].
High school came like a tidal wave. Filled with new friends, homework, crushes, sports, peer pressures, and all that cliché stuff, our steel forged bond started to wither ever so slightly. I could tell it hurt her [say her name instead as you haven't mentioned it in a while and by this point I've forgotten what it is (oopsies =P ) so it sticks out a little (: ]. It was an immense blow to the solid structure we had [try to refrain from using non-common shortened terms like we'd, he'd in narrative as it doesn't sound too good (yes that is how nit-picky I am )] built out of each passing year.
I couldn’t make it to her house three times a week anymore [why?]. I joined the basketball team. She was on the Academic Squad. I could tell when I cancelled on her multiple times, she would cry about it that night. She would mourn for hours the perfect childhood we’d once entertained. [we know about 'her' feelings (you need to mention her name once in a while and not overuse the pronoun), but about your MC's thoughts/feelings about this all - at the moment it's very vague to me]
Sophomore year was when every candle in my life burnt out. Every candle except hers. The year that my string of girlfriends started.
In September I started dating a girl named Grace. She was pretty and smart, and things between us started to heat up within the first month. I never planned on anything that would go too far. I just thought we’d fool around a little and that would be it.
I was still on the basketball team then. And every so often on half days, we’d all get together for pizza.
“So Joshua [now, up to this point I thought your MC was a girl (unless this was the effect you were going for), I would try and make this clearer nearer the start. Also, would his friends (I'm guessing this is his friend) really call your MC by his full name?]. How are things getting along with Grace nowadays?” asked Trevor [when is this happening? Now or is your MC thinking about a past conversation? You need to lead off onto the monologue into speech with some kind of warning, otherwise it seems like this conversation has dropped down from nowhere. And who is Trevor to your MC? (: ], his sandy brown hair falling into his eyes as he leaned over his Pepsi.
“Me and Grace? Fine.[replace with comma]” I answered, wondering why the hell he even cared.
“So…” started Landon, with a crooked smile on his face, “Have you scored yet?”
I began to feel uncomfortable; I ran a hand through my hair and took a sip of my water. “None of your business, man.”
“Come on, tell us. We’re all dudes here,” he retorted.
I rolled my eyes, “No we haven’t done anything like that, no.”
“Aw bummer.[replace with comma]” said Trevor. “Valerie and I hooked up a couple nights ago. Aw, man. Best time of my life.”
The other guys praised this with a chorus of congratulations and high fives. And it got me thinking: should Grace and I go there? Did she want to? Did I[I thought this needed italics, but it's up to you whether you think it needs it or not (: ][/b] want to?
Two nights later we had the opportunity, she was willing and I was curious. So it happened, and I liked it. Too much.
I started to pressure her to have sex with me two and three nights a week, then more and more as time continued to pass. And when she failed to comply, I dumped her mercilessly.
But I was hooked now. Slowly but surely it began to take over my life. I started going for the sluttiest girls I could find. I thought about it constantly and how I could get more. That one thing was running my life. Every other part of myself was screaming, this is wrong! Stop! But I couldn’t. It was as if I was a man possessed. [You haven't really mentioned why he likes it so much, I know it's kinda crude, but this is the first person so you need to delve deep into his filthy mind hehe]
School was horrible that year, my desires made me tense all throughout the day. In class I’d grip onto the metal bars of the desks, trying to make them subside so I could focus. But I never could, I never did. I barely scraped by that year.
I tried as hard as I could to hide it from Kelly. When those times arose when I couldn’t deny my lechery [nice word!! (: ], I stayed away from her; I told her I was too busy to see her. I dished out every lie in the book to keep me from her, to keep her from finding out.
She tried not to cry in front of me when I refused to see her, but a few times she barely made it. I couldn’t remember why she thought she couldn’t cry in front of me anymore.
This went on for months. I tried to see her as often as I could when I’d been okay for a few days. I pretended like my life depended on it, I tried to act like nothing was wrong, but sometimes I just couldn’t do it. She often asked me why I was acting this way [what is 'this way' - how is he different (aside refusing to see her and being a sex addict =P)?], why I was so different. Mostly, I told her I was getting really stressed out. She bought it,[I think an ellipsis would work great here, what do you think?] sort of.
I suffered like this up until junior year. I’d had at least ten girlfriends the following year, and had cheated multiple times. Kelly was starting to get worried about me, and confronted me often about my “stress problem”, but I kept distancing myself from her more and more. As much as it hurt, it hurt more to have her as a constant reminder of what I was doing.
So at the beginning of junior year I’d had enough. I tried to stop cold turkey. I broke up with my current girlfriend and didn’t ask out another. I tried to spend more time with Kelly, I tried to ignore those thoughts that kept creeping into my head, smashing them down so far into myself, I tried to bury them. This went on for a month; I thought I was doing well. Life was getting to be a living hell, but I hadn’t given in yet. I hoped to God I wouldn’t again. [Great way to end it (: ]

Last Minute Views
The Conversation
When your MC had the conversation between his friends, it seemed slightly random and the rest of it after, because there was nothing that led up to it, it just kind of popped up out of nowhere, if you get what I mean? So, try a little foreshadowing and lead into the conversation a bit better, with leading thoughts towards his sex addiction and how it all started.

MC = boy or girl?]
At the start I thought your MC was a girl - it wasn't until the conversation when his name was mentioned that I found out he was a boy. Now if this was the effect you were going for, then just ignore me but if it wasn't then try and add in some hints towards his gender. I mean, this could just be me being stupid, but it's better to be extra sure, eh? =P

MC's thoughts/feelings
Oh, the lovable thoughts and feelings of you MC!! You need to delve deeper into your MC's mind and show (not tell) us more about this guy's feelings. Everything was stated so matter-of-factly, and he talked about everyone else's thoughts/feelings, and not his own. Also, as this in first person, you need to pay more attention towards his thoughts/feelings, and make it clearer to your reader - we want to delve deep into that filthy mind of his!! =P Also, I never really got a true idea of what he felt about become distant towards Kelly, so go ahead!! Dig deep into the guy's mind =D

Overall Thoughts
I really liked this and the overall plot sounded very interesting - this sounds like a great way to introduce your novel, as it certainly does draw the reader in, so great job!!!
Now, I'm off to the next review.....