Young Writers Society

** Please note that this is a very first rough draft, and may be horrible**

Prologue

All was well on a cool autumn day; until Dr. Martinez unearthed that she was pregnant. She chucked the keys on the hallway table, and staggered into the living room. Throwing herself on the couch she picked up the phone. Should she call him? What would he declare? Would he refute it all and loathe her?
***

Sitting on his bunk of his band’s tour bus he thought about her. He couldn’t get her slender body, and elongated dark curls out of his mind. She had enthralled him that night. What on earth was her name? Could he even dredge up her name? Mary… No… it didn’t start with a M. Or did it? He yanked a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket; it was Maria.
***

She trembled as teardrops fell upon the phone. Throwing it against the lavender wall the phone landed into two big pieces. How could she get herself into this? Maria believed in no one night stands. She was better known as the prude, not the slut, but it was some thing about him. He just enchanted her so. She could remember everything about him. From his mid-length dirty blonde hair, to his muscular torso. A person like him, you know the sexy spinster type, didn’t want to hear, that one of the frequent girls he slept with, had gotten pregnant.
***

Maria, Maria how charming she was. He couldn’t get her out of his mind. Her softly spoken spanish had turned him on. He could of whispered ‘Te amo’ in her ear all night long.

“Come on Joe Don it’s time for rehearsal.” His band mate, Jay DeMarcus, left the bus.

Joe Don lobed his phone, along with her number, on his bed. So much for wanting to call her.
***

Her hands quavered as she fixed the phone. Pacing around the room for a while now, she decided to call him.

“Hello this is Joe Don Rooney. I’m so sorry I can’t get to the phone. Leave a message with your name and number, and I’ll get back you as soon as I can.”

Magnificent Maria thought, the answering machine.

“Hey it’s Maria, you probably don’t remember me much, but I need to talk to you. It’s vital that you talk to me.”

Maria laid on the couch. This was just brilliant. She had her whole life ahead of her, just waiting for her to get there with a wonderful career, and because of a damaged condom she was pregnant too. Her options were clear, and straightforward. Maria could bestow the baby up for adoption; or raise the child herself. Abortion was out of the question. To kill a child who had nothing to do with it’s creation was thoughtless, and selfish.
***

Fatigued after a six hour show, Joe Don threw his body on his bed resembling a rag doll; landing on his phone.

“Oops.” He mumbled, as he glanced at it.

It was too late to take note to the two messages on his phone. He vowed to look at them in the morning.
***

Maria laid restless in her bed that night. Everything was just a lurid dream. When she woke up she wouldn’t be pregnant, and her life would be back to customary. She wished, but as soon as she did sleep real nightmares hit her like a tennis match. Babies were screaming and crying. Bottles were spilt, and diapers were overflowing. Maria took a long look in the mirror, and it wasn’t pretty. Stuff was stuck in her hair, like a giant afro. Her clothes were torn, and she had a howling baby clinging to her hip. Maria sat straight up in bed sweating like a beast.
***

Joe Don took it easy in bed, listening to his messages. One from Maria, wow. Doesn’t she understand it was a one night stand. He did like her, maybe they could do it again, but he wasn’t vocation her now. He might seem engrossed. Joe Don bounded down from his bunk, and joined his band mates in the facade room of his bus.
***

Getting prepared for work was a hassle when you had to vomit every three minutes. She wiped her mouth, and finished brushing her teeth. She spat in the sink, and seized an orange juice from the refrigerator. At her office she was making phone calls to patients who had upcoming appointments, and surgeries to remind them. There was a slight knock on her door.

“Open,” She yelled towards the door.

The novel nurse peeked around the corner, and scurried her way to the desk.

“Sorry Ms. Ummm … Ms. Martinez, but one of your patients needs to see you.” Lori seemed a bit anxious.

“Oh that’s fine. What room is she in? I’ll be there in just a few.” Maria looked at Lori with welcoming eyes.

“Ummm … Ummm 209.” Lori slowly, and hesitantly walked out of the room.
***

“Today we only have radio interviews to do. So you know what that means, long boring hours on the bus.” Jay provided Joe Don with a per-made coffee.

“ Who’s he taking to?” Joe Don nodded to Gary LeVox, their lead singer.

“Oh just his wife. Didn’t he tell you? Their expecting a baby.” Gary beamed their way.

“Cool, cool.” Joe Don gave him a thumbs up sign.

Wouldn’t that be horrifying? Facing so much commitment and responsibility made him want to purge. Joe Don envisaged himself as a parent who was always yelling, then never there.
***

“ Ok Mrs. Lunes you’re very dehydrated, and your blood pressure is extremely low. I’ll get an IV started right away, but with all that fluid I’m going to give you I’ll have to watch your blood pressure very close.” Maria checked all her notes to make sure she had covered everything.

“Si, si senora.” Mrs. Lunes smiled and sealed her eyes.

As Maria ambled out of her patients room her cell phone began to ring.
***

“Hey Maria it’s me Joe don. You called earlier.” He had no idea was he was so curious about her. Just her voice started a fire within him.

“ Well I wanted to talk in person.” Maria had stopped in her office.

“ I’m well into another state by now. Maria what is it?” Joe Don inquired.

“Oh Joe Don it’s… It’s too important.”

“TELL ME!”

“ I’M PREGNANT!”
***

Joe Don immediately hung up the phone. Just another money famished groupie. He went back inside the forlorn building, and into the interview room.

“What did Maria say?” Jay mocked.

“Pregnant. Liar.” Joe Don sat down and the interview began.
***

She held the phone in front of her, astounded. He just hung up on her. Fine he doesn’t want to know; he doesn’t have to know. Maria had unquestionable decided to keep the baby. It was her mistake, and she was going to take responsibility of it. Maria was intelligent enough to raise a child on her own; she thought.

I really like this piece.
Now I'm not going to go into all of the grammar things (because I didn't think I saw any and I'm really bad at it myself) so I'm just going to tell you how I thought it sounded and what I might suggest for later chapters.
I thought that the whole tone of your story sounded very good and I think it flowed well. I would suggest making the POV parts a bit longer, making there more room for more interlinking plots and problems, but that's just me.
I definitely saw some foreshadowing when Jon was talking about being a parent and with Maria's dream.
I think you have a good start and I would recommend building it up, having more conflicts with Jon and his band. Just a thought.
Hope to see more, this is very promising.

*Edited Jan. 24 4:23pm* Hello Rascalover! I am Winter's Twelfth Night (or just Winter) and I shall review your story for you today! Overall I thought this story was quite interesting. However you have many mistakes in grammar and punctuation that were really distracting.

All was well on a cool autumn day; until Dr. Martinez unearthed that she was pregnant.

There is no need for a semi-colon here. Also, I don't think that unearthed in the right word. Try "...until Dr. Matinez discovered that she was pregnant."

She chucked the keys on the hallway table, and staggered into the living room.

Get rid of the comma.

Throwing herself on the couch she picked up the phone.

This sounds awkward and interrupts the flow of the story. Try "She threw herself onto the couch and picked up her phone."

What would he declare? Would he refute it all and loathe her?

Again, the words declare and refute do not sound right in these sentences. Declare is not the right word because it is too specific. When something is declared it is almost always said in a solemn and emphatic manner. Refute means to prove somebody wrong. I think your character may be wondering whether or not Joe Don will believe her. If so, then you need to reword your sentences.Try "What would he say? Would he deny it all and loathe her for saying it?"

Sitting on his bunk of his band’s tour bus he thought about her.

This sounds awkward. Try "Sitting on his bunk in the band's tour bus..." or "Sitting on a bunk in his band's tour bus..."

He couldn’t get her slender body, and elongated dark curls out of his mind.

Take out the comma

Could he even dredge up her name?

First of all, this sounds rather repetitive since you ended the previous sentence with "her name". Once again, dredge is not the right word. Dredge is usually associated with digging and rivers and mud. Even when used in the figurative sense it is usually associated with unpleasant or embarrassing facts. Try "Could he even remember it?"

Throwing it against the lavender wall the phone landed into two big pieces.

Replace into with in. You may also consider taking out the word big because it would help the flow of the sentence.

Maria believed in no one night stands.

Try "Maria did not believe in one night stands."

but it was some thing about him.

Something is one word

From his mid-length dirty blonde hair, to his muscular torso.

Take out the comma

A person like him, you know the sexy spinster type, didn’t want to hear, that one of the frequent girls he slept with, had gotten pregnant.

First of all, take out the commas after "hear" and "with". Second, a spinster is an old unmarried woman, so that definitely needs to be fixed. Third, replace frequent with many. Frequent is the wrong word.

Joe Don lobed his phone...

Lobbed is spelled with two Bs.

Her hands quavered as she fixed the phone.

Hands cannot quaver. Only a voice can. Perhaps you meant quiver?

Pacing around the room for a while now, she decided to call him.

This sounds awkward. Try "After pacing around the room for a while, she finally decided to call him."

Magnificent Maria thought, the answering machine.

Thoughts should be in italics. "Magnificent, Maria thought, the answering machine."

“Hey it’s Maria, you probably don’t remember me much, but I need to talk to you. It’s vital that you talk to me.”

This is repetitive. Try just simply saying "It's vital."

Maria laid on the couch.

Lay instead of laid

She had her whole life ahead of her, just waiting for her to get there with a wonderful career, and because of a damaged condom she was pregnant too.

This is almost a run-on sentence. Try taking out "...just wating for her to get there with a wonderful career." Take out the commas after after her and after career. And take out "too".

Her options were clear, and straightforward.

Take out the comma.

Maria could bestow the baby up for adoption; or raise the child herself.

Bestow is the wrong word. The word bestow is associated with gifts. Just say "...put the baby up for adoption..."
Also, take out the semi-colon.

To kill a child who had nothing to do with it’s creation was thoughtless, and selfish.

Take out the comma

Fatigued after a six hour show, Joe Don threw his body on his bed resembling a rag doll; landing on his phone.

This also sounds awkward to the reader. Try "Joe Don was fatigued after a six hour show. He resembled a rag doll as he threw himself onto the bed and landed on his phone."

“Oops.” He mumbled, as he glanced at it.

Replace the period after "oops" with a comma and He should be lowercase.

It was too late to take note to the two messages on his phone. He vowed to look at them in the morning.

The first sentence is not worded correctly. Try "It was too late to listen the the overwhelming amount of messages on his phone." Or something like that. I liked your second sentence.

Maria laid restless in her bed that night. Everything was just a lurid dream. When she woke up she wouldn’t be pregnant, and her life would be back to customary.

Replace laid with lay. The word lurid actually works here! The third and fourth sentences were a bit confusing at first, because I wasn't sure if she was serious. Try "She forced herself to think that this whole mess was just a lurid dream. When she woke up she wouldn't be pregnant and everything would be back to normal." Again, customary has a completely different meaning than the context of your story suggests. Use normal instead.

She wished, but as soon as she did sleep real nightmares hit her like a tennis match.

Awkward sentence. Nightmares hit her like a tennis match? Is it painful to be hit by a tennis match?
Try "As soon as she fell asleep real dreams hit her like a blow to the head. The relentless nightmares would not let her forget her troubles."

Bottles were spilt, and diapers were overflowing.

Take out the comma

Stuff was stuck in her hair, like a giant afro.

Reword this. Try "Her hair was a frizzy mess covered in crumbs and various sticky substances."

Her clothes were torn, and she had a howling baby clinging to her hip.

Take out the comma. Wonderful imagery!

Doesn’t she understand it was a one night stand.

I am assuming that this is something that Joe Don is thinking. If so, it should be in italics. Either way the period should be replaced with a question mark.

He did like her, maybe they could do it again, but he wasn’t vocation her now.

Punctuation. Should be "He did like her; maybe they could do it again." Vocation means that a person's job is suitable. You need to hide your thesaurus. Try "Although he wasn't entirely satisfied with her now." Well, maybe not that but something like it.

He might seem engrossed.

Maybe obsessed instead of engrossed? You should probably find a word similar to obsessed but less extreme. Try "He might seem too involved."

Joe Don bounded down from his bunk, and joined his band mates in the facade room of his bus.

Take out the comma

Getting prepared for work was a hassle when you had to vomit every three minutes. She wiped her mouth, and finished brushing her teeth. She spat in the sink, and seized an orange juice from the refrigerator. At her office she was making phone calls to patients who had upcoming appointments, and surgeries to remind them.

First sentence: replace had with have. Second sentence: Take out the comma. Third sentence: Take out the comma. Fourth sentence: this needs rewording. Try "At her office she made phone calls to remind patients of their upcoming appointments and surgeries."

“Open,” She yelled towards the door.

This is just a suggestion, but wouldn't "come in" make a little more sense here?

The novel nurse peeked around the corner, and scurried her way to the desk.

Again, your thesaurus has deceived you. New will work just fine here. But maybe you wanted to mention that she's a novice? That would have to be a separate sentence. Also, take out the comma.

Lori slowly, and hesitantly walked out of the room.

Take out the comma

So you know what that means, long boring hours on the bus.

I'm not sure if you should replace the comma with a colon or a semicolon. You'll have to ask a punctuation specialist. But just put a colon in for now, I think.

Jay provided Joe Don with a per-made coffee.

Pre-made.

Facing so much commitment and responsibility made him want to purge.

You may need to burn your thesaurus. Unless it's on your computer. Perhaps you meant gag instead of purge? Throw-up, possibly?

Ok Mrs. Lunes you’re very dehydrated, and your blood pressure is extremely low.

Take out the comma.

I’ll get an IV started right away, but with all that fluid I’m going to give you I’ll have to watch your blood pressure very close.

Replace close with closely.

Mrs. Lunes smiled and sealed her eyes.

Closed or shut will work just fine here. Sealed doesn't work in this context unless her eyes are being glued shut or something.

As Maria ambled out of her patients room her cell phone began to ring.

Patients should be patient's because it is possessive.

“Hey Maria it’s me Joe don. You called earlier.” He had no idea was he was so curious about her. Just her voice started a fire within him.

First sentence: Don should be capitalized. Second sentence is perfect. Third sentence: the first "was" should be "why". Third sentence: Take out "just" it will help the flow.

“TELL ME!”

“ I’M PREGNANT!”

You should try to avoid all caps. An exclamation point will do. If you really want to emphasize, you could add "he screamed" or something after the dialogue.

Fine he doesn’t want to know; he doesn’t have to know.

Thoughts should be in italics

Maria had unquestionable decided to keep the baby. It was her mistake, and she was going to take responsibility of it. Maria was intelligent enough to raise a child on her own; she thought.

First sentence: Use "undoubtedly" instead of unquestionable. Second sentence: take out the comma and "of" should be "for". Third sentence: Take out "she thought" it will help the flow.

Wow. This is the longest review I have ever done. I really liked your story! The plot was interesting but you could have done a bit more to show us the characters' personalities. More dialogue would help with characterization.

The most frequent mistakes that you made were adding unnecessary commas and overusing your thesaurus! For help with commas you should go to the knowledge base area under resources and find the grammar forum. It is very helpful!

For the thesaurus problem, you should just not bother with it at all. Most of the time the words that you think of first are the ones that will sound the most natural. Using uncommon words may seem like it will make your piece sound more sophisticated, but it usually results in confusion for the reader. However, sometimes it is good to use a thesaurus so that you don't get repetitive. When you find new words from your thesaurus you should ALWAYS look them up in the dictionary to make sure that they fit the context of your story. I can't stress this enough. Never use a thesaurus without a dictionary!

By the way, thank you so much for the points! I really appreciate them. If you have any questions about your story or my review or anything else, please feel free to PM me! I hope this review was helpful. Let me know when you edit this so I can give you a gold star! Thanks.

-Winter

Thanks so much for your guy's wonderful reviews!
And Winter wow, that helps alot. See i used a theasuras(sp) and thats where most of the wrong words came from ahah.

This story was ok at first i was kind of confused, you have a little gramatical errors but not that many, just work on the flow, the flowing is kind of strange and if i wouldn't have read it more than two times i wouldn't understand but overall ok

Hey Tiff, It's Jon.

She chucked the keys on the hallway table, and staggered into the living room.

You make it seem as though she is drunk. I'm guessing that she is shocked at this point, maybe have her walk in with that emotion. Use words like, Glided, Blank, Comfused...

Throwing herself on the couch she picked up the phone. Should she call him? What would he declare? Would he refute it all and loathe her?

If she found out she was pregnant and she was a doctor, why would she throw herself anywhere? wouldn't she sit down carefully and stare blankly at the wall and then decide to call someone? You make it seem as though she is a teenager who is about to gossip on the phone. Not tell someone she is pregnant. All thoughts should be italisized.

He couldn’t get her slender body, and elongated dark curls out of his mind.

This sentence needs re-worded: He couldn't get her slender body, her loose curls of dark hair, out of his mind.

She trembled as teardrops fell upon the phone. Throwing it against the lavender wall the phone landed into two big pieces.

I get that she is upset, but breaking a phone? That last line needs re-worded. Use words like, Shatter, Snapped, Ruptered...

He couldn’t get her out of his mind.

You already tell us this, get rid of it.

Her softly spoken spanish had turned him on. He could of whispered ‘Te amo’ in her ear all night long.

Haha, this line made me laugh, (In a good way.)

“Come on Joe Don it’s time for rehearsal.” His band mate, Jay DeMarcus, left the bus.

Rascal Flatts Names? I remember a while ago criting a piece about rascal flatts from you! You must love them! Interesting thing I noticed : Joe Don. If you take the last two letters from the name and switch them, you get Jon Doe.

Her hands quavered as she fixed the phone. Pacing around the room for a while now, she decided to call him.

She fixed a phone that was shattered? Interesting...

“Hello this is Joe Don Rooney. I’m so sorry I can’t get to the phone. Leave a message with your name and number, and I’ll get back you as soon as I can.”

Italisize.

Magnificent Maria thought, the answering machine.

This line didn't make sense to me, I don't get what it is trying to say.

and because of a damaged condom she was pregnant too.

Too? Someone else was pregnant? Just get rid of 'Too'

It was too late to take note to the two messages on his phone. He vowed to look at them in the morning.

Describe some more. Was a red light blinking? You tend to rush through things. Expand and explain, I like detail.

Everything was just a lurid dream.

Lucid?

Doesn’t she understand it was a one night stand.

Italisize. It's a thought.

Getting prepared for work was a hassle when you had to vomit every three minutes. She wiped her mouth, and finished brushing her teeth. She spat in the sink, and seized an orange juice from the refrigerator. At her office...

This is an example of how fast you go. One moment she is at her house/appartment and the next she is a work taking phone calls.

The novel nurse peeked around the corner, and scurried her way to the desk.

I like your wording and how you call her a 'Novel Nurse'.

“Ummm … Ummm 209.” Lori slowly, and hesitantly walked out of the room.

um um um um um, get my point? I get that you want the burse to come acrossed as nervous and not knowing what she's doing but lessen up on the um's.

“Si, si senora.” Mrs. Lunes smiled and sealed her eyes.

If you want the spanish to be grammatically correct put accents on the (i's) of 'si'
If you don't you're saying if, if miss. (Knows spanish) I don't know how to put the accents on though!

“Oh Joe Don it’s… It’s too important.”


“TELL ME!”


“ I’M PREGNANT!”

She's been waiting to tell him, Maybe she'd go at a more direct route and calmy say she was pregnant. Not try and beat around the bush. I also doubt that he would get angry in like two seconds like that and yell at her. NO CAPS! When someone is yelling and you use caps it just sounds and looks dumb. An exclamation point would do nicely.


This was an okay start. You need to focus on explaining things some more, make us see what they see. This is a fan-fic, no? Anyway, if you have any questions I'd be glad to answer them!


---Jon---

Sorry if I came acrossed as harsh, I just picked out the things I saw wrong because then you could make it better! I hope you do! when ad if you do I will glady come back and see it.

Nice review Jon It's awesome. And yes i will correct thos thing. i thought I would reather put this in the romantic fiction section instead because besides using their names I don't really talk about Rascal Flatts all that much, and the fact that i added Gary LeVox havin a baby is going to help later on in the story.

Just letting you know that I added more to my review if you want to check it out. Wisemann did a good job of explaining.

Awesome, once again thanks and I will let ya know bout that

Actually it's kind of a flashback because when chapter one starts it's later in their lives sooo.... is it still good that way? I dont know I have never written a prologue before. But any who thanks for the review!

Hey, Rascalover! Finally I'm here


Okay. The most of your mistakes had something to do with punctuation. You know, there are a few places where you usually use a comma:

1) When you're addressing someone:

"Come on, Maria!" or "Good morning, Maria."

So what you shouldn't do is to type "Come on Maria" or "Good morning Maria".


2) When there's an exclamation before the proper speech:

"Oh, I didn't know that." or "Hey, what's up?"


3) When you combine two sentences:

As Maria walked back to the office, she decided it was time to tell him.

If you don't use a comma here, the sentence gets hard to understand.


4) When you're listing things:

She had bought a red top, a pair of jeans, some flowers, and new football socks.


So what I suggest you do is to pay extra attention to punctuation. It's not that hard, really – sometimes you can even hear when there's a comma in someone's speech. (People usually have a little break in talking when there's a comma.) A hint: read out loud what you're about to write.


People have pointed out most of the nitpicks, but I'll still do a few.

Who’s he taking to?

You're missing an L in the word talking.

Their expecting a baby

It's "they're". Their is a possessive pronoun, as in "Their cat is black."

Maria had unquestionable decided to keep the baby.

Hmm, do you mean "unquestionably"? Even if you do, it's still not the best word for the case. Try to think up a new one.


You keep changing viewpoints pretty rapidly, which makes the atmosphere of the story a little panting. I think the different POVs (point of views) are cool, but you could possibly keep them going for a bit longer. Now they're only a few sentences long, and then the view changes already. You could calm it down by expanding the POVs, and making the number of the changes smaller. That way, the reader also gets better grip of the characters.

You've got an interesting start here, I like how the action takes places in the beginning, and overall, I think you had a pretty good tempo here. Just focus on the punctuation, spelling (it seemed you had written all this pretty quickly and carelessly), and I think you'll be just fine.

Thanks for the read!


Demeter
xxx

Yes I did write this pretty carelessly, my bad
Thanks for the reviews Ill havew more up soon hopefully