Young Writers Society

When I’m watching TV and I start to smile
With the corners of my mouth and my eyes
I have to stop myself
It’s true
This smile’s not for me,
Its for you.

I’m saving my smile for you,
For the start of the long days
I’m saving my smile for you
To guide you through the haze
My eyes will always be twinkling,
My cheeks will be dimpling.
My lips will be curving,
Just for you.

I know you need something to soften that brow,
You spend too much time fixed in a scowl
I want to be your happy sun
Which I can do
So I’m smiling not for me,
For you.

I’m saving my smile for you,
For the start of the long days
I’m saving my smile for you
To guide you through the haze
My eyes will always be twinkling,
My cheeks will be dimpling.
My lips will be curving,
Just for you.

A smile is too precious a thing to waste
And if often leaves my face with too much haste
That I want someone deserving,
And I find you unerring
So you can have it,
Unconditionally.

I’m saving my smile for you,
For the sweet sorrow of goodnight
I’m saving my smile for you
For a memory at midnight
My eyes will always be twinkling,
My cheeks will be dimpling.
My lips will be curving,
Just for you.


If I had a good mind I’d give it
If I had strong legs I’d give them.
If I had a strong heart I’d give it too.
But just to smile is the most I can do,
So I’ll save my all my smiles for you.

Hi, Ducati!

When I’m watching TV and I start to smile
With the corners of my mouth and my eyes
I have to stop myself
It’s true
This smile’s not for me,
It's for you.

I wondered a couple things while reading this.
1. Would it be necessary in a song to expand the idea of smiling? I mean that second line. For some reason, I feel that lyrics are less deep than poems (of course, aren't always), and that there aren't as much time to go through a song than a poem. So, my point is, even though the expanding is sweet, is it essential? Hmm. Ignore me, if you like.
2. At first I didn't understand why the narrator has to stop her/himself. Then I realized she/he's saving the smiles. So, unless I'm somehow defective, the thought isn't clear enough. Maybe you should explain in some way, if you only can.

So I’m smiling not for me,
For you.

I was thinking, could you add a 'but' in the start of the second line? It would flow better then.

A smile is too precious a thing to waste
And if often leaves my face with too much haste

That second line doesn't quite work, and I think you know it too – it's too long to flow. Could you ditch the 'often'? Or something else, maybe?


All in all, this was so sweet! I love the idea. And the last stanza is perhaps my favourite in all its sweetness, although I'm not quite sure about the legs part. I would love to hear this with music someday

Well, as I said, I'm not the best at reviewing lyrics, but I hope helped even a little!

See you around,


Demeter
xxx

Hey Ducati,

I love the idea of your song. Very sweet and lovely, indeed. You have a neat flow and your description is wonderful.

One or two small things:

1) Same as Demi I was thrown off a little in the beginning by the speaker wanting to suppress his/her smile. I think it was the whole TV association, that bothered me though. It's great to give a concrete situation, but does it have to be TV? (Just taste, guess.) When I think about it, smiling at the TV would be rather a waste when you can smile at a person. Hmm... I'm not sure. It's up to you.

2) You concentrate a lot on the description of smiling, which is neat for the chorus but gets a little much in the verses and I kept wondering about the situation of the person for whom the smiles are saved. Maybe expand a description of that a little more, for guiding through haze is neat, but kind of hazy. (Also maybe make it winter's haze, to specify more? You're talking about days getting longer and sun and all that, so maybe connection the haze to the cold season would be appropriate? Would be less hazy. )
Maybe just describe the situation of the person for whom the narrator smiles a little more or describe the effect the smiles are supposed to have. Just to give it a little more depth on different levels.

3) The progressive tense thing in the chorus kind of threw me off, but that is probably just me.

Neat lyrics, dear!

All the best,
~Kalliope

P.S. PM me with any questions. =)

Hi Ducati!

When I’m watching TV and I start to smile
With the corners of my mouth and my eyes
I have to stop myself
It’s true
This smile’s not for me,
Its for you.

I think this part it kinf of forced, like too much thinked. Like it isn't flowing. And I didn't like the thing that you should stop smiling for him/her, I think it would be better if you put something like the smile reminds you of him/her, or you share, or something like that, because I think that saying you have to stop smiling sounds a little masochist

I’m saving my smile for you,
For the start of the long days
I’m saving my smile for you
To guide you through the haze

But I actually liked this part, this could be the entire chorus, and it is great.

My eyes will always be twinkling,
My cheeks will be dimpling.
My lips will be curving,
Just for you.

Too much description, may get boring.

I know you need something to soften that brow,
You spend too much time fixed in a scowl
I want to be your happy sun
Which I can do
So I’m smiling not for me,
For you.

I think this part is really sweet, I liked it. You should make something like this for the first part.

But just to smile is the most I can do,
So I’ll save my all my smiles for you.

I loooooooved this part!! I think is great to end a song like this..

I think I was very harsh, but it's just for you. Anyway, the parts that I told you I liked, I think are great, so it is a good song, actually. So good luck and keep writting

-Taylor