I beg of you

To my best friend. This is for you. Judge it as you want. Be harsh, don't be. Hate it, love it. I'm here because of her. I only care for her opinion.
Don't know if it sucks; don't really care too much. This is my work. I wrote it, and I have to be proud of being able to put my feelings into something, and to be courageous enough to present it to the world.
Review it if you want. I will listen to it. And I thank everyone who will reply (if anyone replies). Oh and don't give me the speech about the rhyming scheme since I do know this one doesn't has a precise one. I just wrote what I felt like. (*writewatiwant* get it?)


I see the darkness in you,
And I can't avoid thinking I'm responsible
I've stained you.
Ruined your thoughts,
Killed your heart.

The sadness of seeing you this way
Makes me want to leave
A little everyday.

I lose a bit of my soul at every moment,
And it only makes it worse
To see I'm dragging you with me.
This relationship can't be reversed.

But you won't leave me alone.
No, you love me too much.
But I ask you. Don't.
Don't waste your life on me.
I'm despairing.
And I will not ruin anymore of you.
Please, I beg of you
Don't make me cry
for taking away your life.

*writewatiwant* wrote:To my best friend [Shauni]. This is for you. Judge it as you want. Be harsh, don't be. Hate it, love it. I'm here because of her. I only care for her opinion.
Don't know if it sucks; don't really care too much. This is my work. I wrote it, and I have to be proud of being able to put my feelings into something, and to be courageous enough to present it to the world.
Review it if you want. I will listen to it. And I thank everyone who will reply (if anyone replies).

Why does this make me feel led xD No, but really o:

Good Ma'am!

Can I just say first I like your name, and your opening message there it tells me a bit about you. And I can already tell how wonderful a person you are before I even begin to read you poem. Though I do not know what goes on between you and your best friend I can already tell that you a holding onto something here that's long since been forgiven. But this is about the poetry!!!!!!!

This poem is impressive. I don't know how you've managed but you've led me to believe that A) It's all your fault B) You want them to forgive you C) You think your lingering presence is making the problem worse D) Your suffering is making Shauni feel any better here And E) You are in the worst kind of denial I have everrrrrrrrrrrr seen

This entire poem to me drowns itself in reasoning behind you feeling like you have to go and not wanting to at all. It's like a cry for [Shauni] to tell you no, it's all alright. It's like your having this back and forth with yourself here, and really I think [Shauni] would be more hurt by this kind of conflict inside of you than to find it at all insightful. Unless this is the first time your saying something like this to her? But that couldn't be right because it sounds reoccurring.

*writewatiwant* wrote:But you won't leave me alone.
No, you love me too much.
But I ask you. Don't.
Don't wast your life on me.

I think my heart even broke a little bit from this. Why do you feel so strongly as to even fathom that someone who loves you so much is wasting their life on you? Even then when something like that occurs that means that both are aware of a problem/occurrence and it can be resolved/fixed. 1 + 1 = 2

You did a very good job about getting your point across. I want to give you props for your ability to address the problem, but more so than addressing the problem itself you addressed the core of it. With this your doing so much more than just saying you hurt my feelings when you did this, your saying this kind of thing can hurt my feelings. You know what I mean? If not I'm sorry, I fail at describing things.

All the suffering you watch each other do though, it makes me wonder what's stopping someone from doing anything about it? I'm curious.

[Shauni] you obviously need to tell this person it's ok before you have a friend that walks away for no good reason. But what do I know? I'm just a stranger, and a kid at that.

You both obviously have strong feelings. I'd be glad to have friends like you. Be glad. Be happy for it.

Thank you for posting this too, it's very much appreciated. I understand it's not my business but I hope this resolves itself without any more sorrow or broken relationships. There's enough of that in the world today, someone deserves to be happy right? Especially us writers o: We're supposed to be the understanding ones!

(Sorry also if I jumped a border anywhere in there)

First off, I think it's really great that you were able to post this. Art in any from is really the artist creating something that showcases their soul. I don't know about you but it takes a lot of guts for most people to be able to do this--not to mention put it out for critique! So really, the first part of this post is a thank you for letting me read your work. I appreciate it a lot. Thanks so much.
I think it's great--so packed with emotion it's crazy! I can't speak for Shauni but whatever you may have done can be forgiven and with a plea like that, it seems more than likely. It's really good and I hope everything works itself out. I've been in this position before and I know how it feels but I can assure you, things will work themselves out, you just need to let them. Keep the faith and God bless you both!

*writewatiwant* wrote:
I see the darkness in you
And I can't avoid thinking I'm responsible
I've stained you.
Ruined your thoughts,
Killed your heart.

This has great emotion, the opening ha already gotten me hooked into the poem. You might want to put a comma after you in the first line.

*writewatiwant* wrote:The sadness of seeing you this way
Makes me wanna leave
A little everyday.

This part right here, doesn't really fit with what you have typed already. It's kind of choppy if you get what I mean, it doesn't flow as it should. Though it helps define what you want in the poem.

*writewatiwant* wrote:I lose a bit of my soul at every moment
And it only makes it worst
To see I'm dragging you with me.
This relationship can't be reversed.

You need to put a comma after moment. This part reminds me of something I wrote when I was in 7th grade, it made me smile.

*writewatiwant* wrote:But you won't leave me alone.
No, you love me too much.
But I ask you. Don't.
Don't waste your life on me.
I'm despairing.
And I will not ruin anymore of you.
Please, I beg of you
Don't make me cry
for taking away your life.

This right here almost made me cry, it wraps all that you have written and puts the persons emotions right in our faces, good job.

Overall, I love this poem. It ha just the right amount of emotion without over doing it and I applaud you for it.

unless you want a rhyme scheme to have a specific purpose in your poem it doesnt need to have one at all, most poems don't rhyme and i think its more important to let your feelings out than have them constricted with a strict rhyme scheme

Hmm.. I like this. I really do. Great poetry. =) hmm... quadruple thumbs up! Oh, and I agree. Poems don't really have a to have a rhyming theme, write what you feel!

Wow. Nice work.

The only thing that bugs me is the use of "wanna." This poem is such a classic and rather formal piece that that word just ruins it for me.

Another little nit-pick (spelling):

And it only makes it worst

"Worst" should be "worse" in this case.

I really love the imagery and emotion of this piece, you've really done a good job capturing what you feel.

~Rosey

This is pretty good but it made me really depressed. It also felt really cold and not very descriptive.

This poem made me feel really happy,haha. What kind of sick person am I? I love this poem... It speaks to everyone who has been ravished by angst and molested by grief, (and who hasn't been there?) until you get so distressed that the pain is beyond a feeling, but seems to reside all around you; a truth you cannot escape from...
And this is what cheers me up at four o'clock. I think I need a snack.
Great job.

Review 3/10.

I see the darkness in you,

The darkness? Oh no. What's happened?

And I can't avoid thinking I'm responsible
I've stained you.

There should be a period after responsbled a comma after you.

[quot]Ruined your thoughts,
Killed your heart.

I've stained you ruined your thoughts andkilled yor heart.

A little everyday.

I'm a little confused as to what you mean by this. Does your narrator want to leave a little more every day, or does your friend get a little worse every day.

I lose a bit of my soul at every moment,
And it only makes it worse
To see I'm dragging you with me.

This sentence started off fine untill the last line. It dosen't really make sense, and I can't understand what you're trying to say.

Don't make me cry
for taking away your life.

Cute ^.^. Once again Kat, you never cease to amaze me. You have a gift. I do have one problem, though, and that is that I cannot feel the pain. I don't know why the narrator feels responsible, I don't know what happened. Maybe you could clear things up a little bit. Otherwise, great job ^_^