Young Writers Society

Renee woke up with sweat over her. That damn nightmare she thought as she toss the covers away and walked over to the window of her bedroom. Why does he keep bother me? He got what he wanted. She watched the rain slide down the window pane. Her mind went back into the past to that night.

She heard her window open, and then the floor creaked under a heavy foot. She felt her bed dip under a heavy weight. She rose up to see what it was when a black shadow pushed her back down. It ripped away the covers and shoved a hand in between her legs, pulling them apart.

Renee opened her mouth to scream, but a big, clothed hand cover it. She squirmed until something hit her, leaving her semi-awake. She felt the big hand opened her legs wider and pull down her underwear, leaving her exposed to her attacker. The sound of a zipper rang through the room and then a heavy weight push on her. A hand still to her mouth, the attack position himself in between her legs and trust into her, breaking her virginal break. She yelped out in pain.

The attacker pushes him in to the hilt, then slowly retrack, only to slammed himself into her again and again. After a couple of minute of trying to fight, she just let him continue until he spend himself in her. He roughly pulled himself. The itchly cloth of the gloves brushed against her opened legs as he got off of her. He left the way he came.

She lay there in aftermath, not believe what had happen her. She curled up unto a ball and stay that way for the rest of the night.

Renee shivered at the memory. She still didn’t know why the attack done that to her, especially after she found out who it was.

I won’t let him stop me from living my life she thought as she went back to bed, hoping for more peaceful dreams.

This might sound harsh, but only because I think it has potential.

Renee woke up with sweat over her. That’s damn nightmare she thought as she toss the covers away and walked over to the window of her bedroom. Why does he keep bother me? He got what he wanted. She watched the rain slide down the window pane. Her mind went back into the past to that night.

You have a lot of kind of bizarre errors throughout. The first sentence isn't technically wrong, but to me, I imagine sweat as some personified being standing over her bed. "Renee woke up sweating" is a more normal way to say this.

"That's damn nightmare" doesn't make sense. Do you mean "That damn nightmare" or "That's a damn nightmare"? The second option doesn't make sense either.

You had problems conjugating your verbs throughout. "Toss" should be tossed and "bother" should be bothering.

"Her mind went back into the past to that night," is kind of repetitivie. You can cut out "into the past" and it flows better.

Besides those type of problems, I kind of wondered what the point is. If it is going to be longer, that's great, I'd love to read more. It's kind of just a generic rape story until you get to:
"Renee shivered at the memory. She still didn’t know why the attack done that to her, especially after she found out who it was."

If you explained this, the story would be, I think, really interesting. But for now I think it's really static.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I think this could be the beginning of a really interesting story! Good luck!
rachel

Hey Night!
I noticed a few grammar errors in here, and it's really hard to read a story (however good) if it's riddled with mistakes. So I'll go through and correct them for ya and then get on to the overall.

Night Mistress wrote:Renee woke up with sweat over her. (I agree with nixonblitzen here; probably should be 'in a sweat' or 'sweating' That[s]’s[/s] damn nightmare she thought as she tossed the covers away and walked over to the window of her bedroom. Why does he keep bothering me? He got what he wanted. She watched the rain slide down the window pane. Her mind went back into the past to that night. I don't think you need both 'into the past' and 'to that night'. If you say that her mind went back... we'll know that you mean in the past.

She heard her window open, and then the floor creaked under a heavy foot. She felt her bed dip under a heavy weight. She rose up to see what it was when a black blob Blob isn't a very scary word; what she's seeing is someone who broke into her home to attack her. I suggest using something like shadow or silhouette because it will convey her fear better. pushed her back down. It ripped away the covers and shoved a hand in between her legs, pulling them apart.

Renee opened her mouth to scream, but a big, clothed hand cover it. She squirmed until something hit her, leaving her semi-awake. She felt the big hand open[s]ed[/s] her legs wider and pull down her underwear, leaving her exposed to her stack. This is probably just me missing something, but what is her stack? The sound of a zipper rang through the room and then a heavy weight pushed on her. A hand still to her mouth, the attacker positioned himself in between her legs and trust do you mean [i]thrust? into her, breaking her virginal break. She yelped out in pain.

The attacker [s]pushes[/s] pushed himself in to the hilt, then slowly [s]retrack[/s] retreated, only to slam[s]med[/s] himself into her again and again. After a couple of minutes of trying to fight, she just let him continue until he had spent himself in her. He roughly pulled himself out?. The itchy cloth of the gloves brushed against her opened legs as he got off of her. He left the way he came.[/i]

She lay there in aftermath not sure what this means, not believing what had happened to her. She curled up into a ball and stayed that way for the rest of the night.

Renee shivered at the memory. She still didn’t know why the attacker had done that to her, especially after she found out who it was.

I won’t let him stop me from living my life she thought as she went back to bed, hoping for [s]more[/s] peaceful dreams.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you were trying to write a disturbing scene, right? (A disturbing scene=a scene where bad things happen. Not so much like natural disasters, but murder, torture, rape, abuse, etc.) It can be extremely difficult to write this kind of thing realistically, and as it is now, this piece doesn't leave me in shock or even feeling sorry for Renee. I think this is because we don't really get a sense of her emotions; you tell us her and his actions, but nothing else.

Try and think about what she'd be feeling during and after the attack. During, I imagine she wouldn't be thinking clearly enough to express emotions. Panic and fear would blot out anything else. If I may borrow a few words from an old thread (link here):

Icaruss wrote:while writing rape you should focus on little things. Like her scraping against his skin, trying to get away, her bruised wrists, the taste of her tears. Things the victim would be trying to watch instead of focusing too much on the actual sex.

And then, after, that's when all the emotions come. I like how she was in shock right after, but then what about the next day? Can she go to work/school, or is it too raw? What does she remember, what has she blocked out? Etc, etc.

Use all five senses. Something like rape is not something one ever forgets; I want to know exactly what she saw, smelled, heard, touched, and tasted (only if applicable). As I quoted above, it's all about the details: maybe the scent of his cologne is engraved into her nostrils. You began to do this with his itchy gloves but that was it.

Finally, when you say that she found out who it was. First, how did she find out? She didn't report it to the police, she didn't see him without a disguise, so how could she know? Second, who was it? Why did it shock her? How did it affect her? You can't drop a bombshell on us like that and not explain it at all. Unless, of course, you are going to continue this and then tell us.

I hope this helped you. The piece has potential, but right now there's not much unique about it. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but I do want you to revise this because I think it could be really great. PM me if you need anything!
xoxokissthewitch

I know this is something that you hear often, but this piece has so much potential, it's not even funny. The way you wrote it just begs for you to continue it.

So, as you know, I'm not one to tear a piece to shreds. I don't review line-by-line because that, to me, is tearing someone's writing - that they probably slaved on - apart. And I don't like to critique like that. I, personally, like getting critiques like that, because I'm weird and I guess I'm fueled by criticism, but unless I'm asked to shred something, I don't. And, honestly, i don't think I could find anything to shred of this piece anyway.

Now, my style of critiquing is... not different than most, but a lot of people tend to just tell you what you did wrong and nothing else, or my personal favorites say, "oh! this is good!!!! keep wr!ting! lyk, omg! write more!" and that is the extent of their so-called "review". Well, not me.

Monki's Review of "Courage":

I. GRAMMAR FUN IS!

I'd like to begin by saying that I noticed some grammar mistakes. That seems to be your weak point. Now, I didn't say that it's bad, I just think that it is your weaker point in writing and that you should try making it a point to focus on that every once in a while. Just a suggestion.

For example, if you find yourself with some extra time on your hands, try writing something and making it a point to be sure there are no grammatical errors. You can even PM me and I'd be happy to read over it for you.

But, anyway, a few of your lines are kind of awkward, so I'll just point out a few as examples:

"Renee woke up with sweat over her."
So, with this line ^^ I agree with those above that maybe you could make this flow better, grammatically speaking, by changing it to something along the lines of: "Renee woke up, a sweat breaking across her forehead." In my opinion, this seems to flow a bit better.

There was also this line:

"She lay there in aftermath, not believe what had happen her. She curled up unto a ball and stay that way for the rest of the night."
For this line, I like how it's laid out, but you have a few simple grammatical errors in there, but I think I also have a suggestion for it. Maybe something like, "She lay there in the aftermath of the assault, in disbelief as to what had happened to her. She curled up into a ball and remained that way for the remainder of this horrible night." Eh, something like that.

Anyway, there's quite a few other grammatical errors, but as I said, I just believe that this is your weak point. and besides, the two above me pointed them all out, I believe. My weak point is definitely punctuation and capitalization - when it comes to poetry, that is.

So, on to my next category. xD

II. PUNCTUATE! PUNCTUATE! PUNCTUATE!

Really, I couldn't find much wrong with your punctuation, besides a few missing commas here and there. I'm not feeling nit-picky though, so I won't point them out. I'm sure you can do that when your Inner-Editor feels like coming out. xD

III. SPELLING TEST!

I really just skimmed through, looking for spelling errors. As with the punctuation, I'm not going to nit-pick. Someone better at that, I'm sure, will check that out, as well as your Inner-Editor. Ha ha.

IV. CHARACTERIZATION=EPIC WIN!

In my opinion, your characterization was portrayed wonderfully. The fear of the victim, Renee, was genuine. You could practically taste the fear as she was just frozen in place, waiting for the nightmare to be over.

I believe that this may possibly be helpful. If you ever need any reading material or if you're bored or something, you should read some of these. I think that, although your character portrays good emotions of a rape victim right now, you're going to have to learn how to portray her emotions throughout the whole thing, because honestly, her emotions should change often.

As for your attacker/criminal dude, well, he's the rough kind of guy that is expected to commit this crime. But, it interests me that it seems to be that she knows her assailant. Hm... I smell a Maury Povich show! xD Just kidding!

V. MY OVERALL OPINION

My overall opinion of this is definitely that it has huge potential, but it was a bit short to say how far this can go. Will it be a shorter novel? A longer one? A series of books? A short story? Who knows. We'll only know if you'll continue this, which I strongly suggest. And after writing this review, I demand that you do! xD Just kidding. Don't pursue it if it's not what you're really interested in writing. You have to like and be comfortable with what you're writing before you can decide if you want to be in it for the long-term. But, I think that everything is great, just a few things are a tad bit off, and I'd just like to say:

NA NA NA NA NA! I TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN WRITE! Muahahahahahahahaha! Monki prevails, again! xD Epic win, epic win.

Congratulations. You just wrote something that doesn't suck. I commend you.

-Monki

I think generally it's quite good, I already feel quite worried about Renee even though the extract was quite short.

Other reviewers may have pointed this out already but it seems to me like your first language is not English. There are a few weird sentence structures and you put some of the words into the wrong tense. I think some of the other reviewers have already pointed that out though. Perhaps just go back through it and try and reassess some of the sentences

It is interesting though and I want to see how you carry this story on and whether Renee will get through what happened to her.

beckiw wrote:Other reviewers may have pointed this out already but it seems to me like your first language is not English.

Okay. I have to clear this up because I find it insulting. English is my first lanuage. I am just not good with grammar. That's all.

I saw that your profile said you were from the USA but I wasn't sure. Sorry!

beckiw wrote:I saw that your profile said you were from the USA but I wasn't sure. Sorry!

it's okay. Since i make so many grammar mistakes, i guess my proper english isn't that good.

I used to be utterly dreadful with grammar lol I still am sort of but more with punctuation, I never know where the heck to put it. I end up reading it all out loud and wherever I take a breath I put a punctuation mark.

My advice would be write a lot, like in a diary or just anything. The more you do it the easier it gets. Also if you don't already, read lots. I didn't read that much until about 2 years ago and now I can't not be reading a book. It helped me a lot to see how other people write.

I hope that helped

Hey, Bri! I always get so revved up when I hear you pos another story. Like everyone says above, you always start stories with so much potential. You just must have awesome ideas floating around in that head of yours

Red is for the words you need to add or things I crossed out and changed
Is my suggestions and comments
[s]strikethrough[/s] is what it is.
Italics and bold is examples of things

All right, let's get critiquing!

~ ~ ~ ~

Renee woke up with sweat all over her. That damn nightmare she thought as she [s]toss[/s] tossed the covers away and walked over to the window of her bedroom. Why does he keep bother me? He got what he wanted. She watched the rain slide down the window pane. This last sentence is really random when you think of her thoughts. Make it a smoother transition from her thoughts to this sentence. Maybe try: ...He got what he wanted. She felt the memories start to bubble to the surface as she watched the rain slide down teh windowpane. See how that smoothes it out. But it's just an example so you can do what you want with it. Her mind went back into the past to that night. This is an awkward sentence. Maybe try: He mind travelled back in time to that night. or something like that.

She heard her window open, and then the floor creaked under a heavy foot. She felt her bed dip under a heavy weight. She rose up to see what it was when a black shadow pushed her back down. It ripped away the covers and shoved a hand in between her legs, pulling them apart.

Renee opened her mouth to scream, but a big, clothed hand cover it. She squirmed until something hit her, leaving her semi-awake. She felt the big hand [s]opened[/s] open her legs wider and pull down her underwear, leaving her exposed to her attacker. The sound of a zipper rang through the room and then a heavy weight push on her. A hand still to her mouth, the [s]attack[/s] attaker position himself in between her legs and [s]trust[/s] thrust into her, breaking her virginal break. She yelped out in pain.

The attacker kept pushing [s]pushes[/s] him in to the hilt, then slowly retrack, only to [s]slammed[/s] slam himself into her again and again. After a couple of [s]minute[/s] minutes of trying to fight, she just let him continue until he spend I think you mean "spent" here but I"m not sure... himself in her. He roughly pulled himself. Awkard sentence here. Maybe try: [i] He roughly pulled himself away from her. or something like that. The itchly cloth of the gloves brushed against her opened legs as he got off of her. He left the way he came.[/i]

**Umm, just so you know, you painted this so well that I seriously got so upset! This was horrible whoever did this to her and I hope he dies!**

She lay there in aftermath, not [s]believe[/s] believing[/b] what had [s]happen[/s] [color=red]happened to her. She curled up unto a ball and [s]stay[/s] stayed that way for the rest of the night.

**You tend to switch tenses. At the beginning of the memory, you have it in present. Then you switch to past at the end. I wasn't sure what one you preferred so I just corrected the best I could. Just make sure you pick one and stick with it. My advice: stay in past because it is a memory.

Renee shivered at the memory. She still didn’t know why the [s]attack[/s] attaker done that to her, especially after she found out who it was.

I won’t let him stop me from living my life she thought as she went back to bed, hoping for more peaceful dreams.[/quote]

~ ~ ~ ~

Wow, oh wow. This was so realistic and intense I couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen. This was wonderful (though what happened to her was horrible). I really want to know who this attacker is... and I hope he meets a painful end!

Anyway, beautiful work. I look forward to more!

Nitpicks:

That damn nightmare she thought as she toss the covers away and walked over to the window of her bedroom. Why does he keep bother me? He got what he wanted.

Add a comma after "nightmare" and "bother" should be "bothering" right? I like the opening, though. It hooks you in. -thumbs up-

the attack position himself in between her legs and trust into her

I think you meant "attacker" and "thrust"

After a couple of minute of trying to fight, she just let him continue until he spend himself in her. He roughly pulled himself.

Should be "minutes" and the second sentence isn't a complete thought.

She still didn’t know why the attack done that to her, especially after she found out who it was.

Again, I think you meant "attacker" and she knows who it is?



Overall: This is really well written. It was disturbing and scary, but that's what a scene like this should be. Really well done. -two thumbs up- Let me know whan you have more of this up, I want to read it.

I found this piece completely by chance and I loved the plot idea so much I just had to review it. I really like this piece, it has major potential. But it is still like a diamond in the rough. It needs the loving touch of a jeweler to polish it up and make it worthy of Tiffany's. I am probably going to repeat some of the things that have already been covered, so please bear with me. My goal is to leave you with at least one good suggestion that you use.

Everything in bold is a correction or something I would add. [s]Stike through[/s] means I would just remove this entirely. *Raises fist and lets out a battle cry*. Onto the review!

[s]Renee woke up with sweat over her[/s]. Renee woke up covered in a sheen of sweat. That damn nightmare, she thought as she tossed the covers away and walked over to the window of her bedroom. Why does he keep bothering me? He got what he wanted. She watched the rain slide down the window pane. Her mind went back [s]into the past[/s] to that night.

Without giving us a total info dump can you give us more details about what her bedroom looks like? Even though it is dark you can talk about the hardwood floor being cool under her bare feet, or the light from the street filtering in through her gauzy curtains. This gives us just a little glimpse into her life, but it is just enough to make it feel like we are there with her

She heard her window open, and then the floor creaked under a heavy foot. She felt her bed dip under a heavy weight. She rose up to see what it was when a black shadow pushed her back down. It ripped away the covers and shoved a hand in between her legs, pulling them apart.

This whole paragraph you are telling us step by step what is happening. My issue with this is that there is no feeling, no emotion connected to this whatsoever. How do you expect your reader to connect to your protagonist if there is no feeling there? We are emotional creatures by habit, so when she hears her window open what is she thinking? How does she react when she hears the floorboard creak? Is she frightened? Does she cower under the covers? Right now it feels like she doesn't care that there is an intruder in her room.

Renee opened her mouth to scream, but a big, clothed hand covered it. She squirmed until something hit her, leaving her semi-[s]awake[/s]conscious. She felt the big hand open[s]ed[/s] her legs wider and pull down her underwear, leaving her exposed to her attacker. The sound of a zipper rang through the room and then a heavy weight [s]push[/s] fell on her. A hand still to her mouth, the [s]attack[/s] assailant positioned himself in between her legs and thrust into her, breaking her virginal [s]break[/s] seal. She [s]yelped[/s] cried out in pain.

Again, I want more feeling in this paragraph. Besides feeling exposed when her underwear is pulled down, how else does she feel? Ashamed? Vunerable? Weak? Completely frightened? I want more of a reaction than her just squirming or screaming.

The attacker pushed himself in to the hilt, then slowly retracked, only to slam[s]med[/s] himself into her again and again. After a couple of minute of trying to fight, she just let him continue until he spend himself in her. He roughly pulled himself out. The itchly cloth of the gloves brushed against her opened legs as he got off of her. He left the way he came.

I want to see more of a struggle here. I want her scratching, kicking, biting, yelling, bucking him off her, anything she can to fight him off. Don't tell us she spent a couple minutes trying to fight, show us. That way when she does give up, it is depressing, like her spirit has curled up and died. And have her attacker fight back too. Have him restrain her arms, causing bruises on her wrists, or have him punch her again. I want more action in this scene.

She lay there in the aftermath, not believing what had happened to her. She curled up into a ball and stayed that way for the rest of the night.

Seriously? She just was raped and she just laid there? I don't think so. Disbelief might be the first emotion she feels, but then seconds later she should be sobbing her eyes out. I want her to feel shame, to feel disgust, I want her to blame herself, to feel filthy and voilated. Have her cry, get sick, take a shower trying to scrub away the memory from her body, AND then have her sit in a corner, rocking back and forth like she has completely lost it. I want her a total wreck, because quite honestly I think that would be more believable then just curling up into the fetal position.

Renee shivered at the memory. She still didn’t know why the attacker had done that to her, especially after she found out who it was.

I won’t let him stop me from living my life, she thought as she went back to bed, hoping for more peaceful dreams.

Okay, other than the obvious problems with tenses you can work on your flow. At times the story was a little jerky to read. Also you have a lot of redundancies, like attacker. Here is a list of other words you could use besides attacker: assailant, invader, aggressor, intruder, assaulter, rapist, and adversary. I also would like you to work on your descriptions. Use all five senses when you describe a scene. Attach emotion to EVERYTHING! Imagine how you would feel in that situation. And I'd like to be able to see right into your protagonist's head as all of this is happening. Let us see her insecurities, her inner most thoughts, her darkest secrets, her ambitions and dreams and we will fall in love with your character.

Hope that helped! PM me when you have more up because I would love to see where this goes.