Young Writers Society

This is something I started writing based off a Writers Digest prompt. Lemme know if you think any parts are weak, especially the ending. I wasn't really sure how to end this, so let me know if the ending works. I'm also open to suggestions for a different ending. (Updated Jan 28 )

I jolted awake and started rubbing my eyes as I tried to figure out what incessant beeping woke me up. When my brain began to work, I realized it was the phone that woke me up. I reached over and picked up my ringing cell phone from the nightstand. I didn’t recognize the number, but something told me to answer anyway.
I flipped open the phone groggily. “Hello?”
“James?” the voice began, “It’s me, Erik.”
“Erik? Why the hell are you calling me at two in the morning?” I wanted to smack him for waking me up.
“I need a favor….” he started.
“And this couldn’t wait ’til the morning?”
“No, it can’t.” He paused for a moment. “I’m in a bit of trouble here… The cops found out about all the music I’ve downloaded and now I’m in jail. I don’t know how they found out, but they did.”
I let out a sigh. “And what, you want me to come bail you out?” I asked.
I could picture him shaking his head when he answered, “No, I need you to do something else for me. Go to my house – you still have the key I gave you, right?” He paused just long enough for me to say yes. “Good. Go there and wipe my computer. I need you to do it before the cops go and get it in the morning.”
I sat there in disbelief for a second. He wanted me to help him get rid of evidence? “You’re serious?”
“Yeah, I am. You’re the only one I can trust…” he said.
I sighed again. “Fine. I’ll do it, but you owe me, big time.”
“Thanks. You’re a life saver.” We hung up and I got out of bed
I could not believe I was about to do this. If it was anyone besides Erik, I wouldn’t have done it. Erik had been my best friend since we were six. Fifteen years later, we were still best friends.
I got dressed and grabbed my keys. I drove over to Erik’s house, which was only a few blocks away. My mind was racing as I drove to his house. I was nervous; I definitely did not want to spend time in jail for this. When I got there, I parked in his spot and walked to the front door. I used the key and his front door popped right open.
I knew where his computer was; he always kept it in his bedroom, locked in the top drawer of his nightstand. I went over to his desk and took the key that was taped to the back of it.
The drawer unlocked with a click and I pulled out his heavily modded Toshiba laptop and set it on the desk. I booted it up and put in his password. My hands were shaking a bit as I typed it in. I would never admit it to anyone, but I was scared of getting caught. When it booted up, I opened his ‘My Documents’ folder.
When I opened the folder, another folder caught my eye, labeled ‘Top Secret.’ If that was not enough to get someone’s attention, nothing was. I knew that I should respect his privacy and just delete everything, but my curiosity got the better of me.
I opened the folder, and saw that it was filled with Microsoft Word documents. Each one was labeled with a different date. I opened the first one up and started to read. It was his 20th birthday, the day he got his laptop. In the document, he was talking about his party and everything that had happened during the day. It was his diary. I did not even know he kept a diary.
I do not know why I did it, but I took the flash drive that I keep on my keychain off and plugged it into the computer. I saved the entire ‘Top Secret’ folder to the flash drive before I wiped his hard drive.
Erik was always paranoid about his computer, afraid someone might be spying on him. He had had a shredder installed on it that made deleted files unrecoverable. Once I had finished shredding everything on his hard drive, I shut the computer back down and locked it into his night stand drawer again.
When I got home, I took my laptop off my desk, and plugged my flash drive into it. I copied the Top Secret folder from the flash drive onto my hard drive. Then, I began to read through it.
Most of the things that I read were things I knew. We had been best friends for years, so I had a good idea of most of what was going on in Erik’s head. There were a few things that did surprise me, though. He never did date much, and his diary told me why.
I always had a feeling that Erik was gay. He was not effeminate or anything, but I always had a feeling that he was hiding something, and now I knew what it was. He was gay and he had a crush on me. I never thought that he had ever thought of me that way. I never thought of him that way. He was my best friend, practically my brother.
I read one of the passages out loud. “Today was so much fun. James and I went to the beach together. We were there all day. And James had new swim trunks on. They were bright red and hugged his ass. It was so sexy. I had to focus on not getting a boner the entire time. God he’s hot. When we were lying on the beach tanning, I wanted to just reach over and caress his muscles. Ugh. This is driving me crazy. “ The date on the entry was July 23. That was last week.
I sat there for a few minutes mulling things over. My thoughts were scattered; everything from anger about him not telling me to sadness that he was going through everything alone.
I decided that I needed to talk to him. I put away my laptop, grabbed my keys and wallet again, and drove down to the jail. I used the drive to help clear my mind and focus my thoughts.
Erik is gay… I kept thinking over and over. My best friend is gay.…
When I got to the jail, I paid his bail and he came out, looking shocked.
“What are you doing here?” he asked as he walked through the door leading to the back of the jail.
“I couldn’t let my best friend just sit in jail,” I told him.
He smiled and gave me a hug. Not a gay hug or anything, just a friendly hug. “Thanks.”
We walked out to my car together and I looked over at him. “Erik?”
He turned to look at me. “What?
“I found your ‘Top Secret’ folder…”
His eyes got wide and his mood changed almost instantly. “You… you… read it?” he asked.
I nodded.
He stopped walking. “Why?” He looked like he was going to cry.
“I don’t know. Something told me to.” I motioned towards the car. “Come on; let’s talk about this back at my house.”
He nodded and followed me, trying to fight back tears. During the car ride back to my house, neither of us spoke. Neither of us was sure what to say.
When we got to my house, we both went inside. I sat on my couch and he sat on the love seat opposite me. We were silent for a few minutes before I spoke. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I asked, searching his eyes for an answer.
He thought about it. “I don’t know. I guess I was scared.” He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He buried his face in his hands; I could hear sniffling and knew he was crying.
I went over and put my hand on his shoulder. “Erik,” I said. “You’re my best friend. You always will be. You can tell me anything. We’re practically brothers.”
He finally looked up at me and had a slight smile on his face. “Thanks. I should’ve told you.”
“Yeah, you should have,” I told him. “I would’ve helped you through all this. What’s a best friend for if you don’t let them help you?”
“I guess you’re right. Sorry.” He looked up at me and gave me a weak smile.
I hugged him. He was surprised at first, but then he hugged me back. When we broke apart we were both smiling. “Why don’t you go grab some clothes from my room and get changed? I’ll make us some breakfast.”
He nodded. When he got to the foot of the stairs he turned and looked at me. “Thanks again, James.”
I smiled. “No problem.”
He ran upstairs to change and I went into the kitchen to make us some eggs and bacon. He came back downstairs wearing a pair of my jeans and a t-shirt, just as I was finishing breakfast.
“Smells great,” he said as he grabbed a plate.
“Well duh, I made it,” I said smiling.
Breakfast was actually pretty quiet. We were both thinking about everything.
Erik was the one to break the silence. “You’re really okay with this?” he asked.
I nodded. “Best friends for life, remember?”

Firstly, the “'James?” The voice began, “It’s me, Erik.” ' is the wrong way round, as is the sentence after it.

Then "We hung up and I got out of bed" should have a '.' at the end.

It's pretty good, I guess (grudgingly, haha), but I think it's evil of James to even think of reading Erik's diary! Oh well. Don't change the ending. It's nice. What was the prompt?

Cheers,
Lily.

Just to let all you future reviews know, I did fix the name thing now. =P

Here as requested!

I was jolted awake, rubbing my eyes and trying to figure out what was going on.

The "was" in here feels weird to me. And this entire sentence could probably be split at the comma.

I was a little nervous; I definitely didn’t need to spend time in jail for this.

Need or want? If you use "want" you can get away without giving an explenation, but because you're using "need" I at least would like an explanation.

My hands were shaking a bit as I typed in his password.

"His password" gets a little repetitive. Replace "it" and put it before the "in."

I would never admit it to anyone, but I was a little scared of getting caught.

This emotion is pretty natural. I don't find this line is needed.

When I opened the ‘My Documents’ folder another folder caught my eye, labeled ‘Top Secret.’

"My Documents" gets repetitive in this case. Replace with the pronoun.

If that isn’t enough to get someone’s attention, nothing is.

You switch to present tense here, when everything else is past tense.

Most of the things that I read were things I knew. We’ve been best friends for years, so I knew most of what was going on in James’ head.

You've repeated yourself in a roundabout way here. Rework so you're not saying "I knew" in each idea.

When we got to my house, we both went inside and sat on my couch......I went over and put my hand on his shoulder.

I quote these two lines together because they don't fit together. "I went over" implies that James is sitting across the room while "we... sat on my couch" implies they're right next to each other.

Overall- This is pretty well written. Since it's only a short story, you don't really have room for a ton of atmosphere. I'd put a bit more of James' feelings about his friend being gay, but other then that it's pretty good. The feeling missing from the prose are what's really weakening this.

Hope I helped!

Hey, RGallagher!

要求されるここに!

I think Rosey stole most of my nit-picks...

I was jolted awake, rubbing my eyes and trying to figure out what was going on.

"Was" messes up your sentence flow. Take it out.
This whole sentence is worded awkwardly. While he was jolted awake he is rubbing his eyes? Make the seconds half after the comma a new sentence.

I was jolted awake, rubbing my eyes and trying to figure out what was going on. When my brain began to work, I realized it was the phone that woke me up. I reached over and picked up my ringing cell phone from the nightstand. I didn’t recognize the number, but I decided to answer anyway.

This passage is strange to me. He would have heard a ringing from his phone in the first place.
Also, I think he should recognize his best friend's number.
Make it more clear that the ringing awoke him.

This is how I would personally write it:

The shrill ring of a phone pierced my eardrums. I started awake, and sat in a daze as I slowly regained conciessness.
Who's calling me at two in the morning? I thought groggily. I fumbled around on my night stand for my cell phone...

Something like that.

I definitely didn’t need to spend time in jail for this.

Like Rosey said: Need or want to spend time in jail?

Toshiba laptop and set it on the desk. I booted it up and put in his password. My hands were shaking a bit as I typed in his password. I

Two things:

-Why do I care that his laptop is Toshiba? It seems like junk description.
-The word password quickly becomes repetitive. Nix one use- maybe make the second sentence "...as I typed in the code."

I always had a feeling that James was gay. He wasn’t effeminate or anything, but I always had a feeling that he was hiding something, and now I knew what it was. He was gay and he had a crush on me. I never thought that he had ever thought of me that way. I never thought of him that way. He was my best friend, practically my brother.

Give us some examples from the diary that show James is gay.

I decided that I needed to talk to him. I put away my laptop, grabbed my keys and wallet again, and drove down to the jail.

Wait... you never told us he was in jail before...
Also, I don't think you go to jail for illegal music downloads- you just have to pay back all the money.

All in All

This was well-written with few grammatical errors, but you need a lot more description.
Also, get us into Erik's head more. Sure, he was scared. But how did he feel? What was it like when he read James' diary? When he hugged James? Get us invested in the character.

If you need anymore help with description, just ask me. I know I wasn't very clear.

助けられるこれを望みなさい,
Sakura

I couldn’t find any nit-picks that someone hadn’t already mentioned. One thing I did think of though (which someone also mentioned.) Is maybe stick in an excerpt of one of Erik’s diaries in. I think the story is fine without it but it might be a good way to get a little more insight to Erik or their relationship.

When we got to my house, we both went inside and sat on my couch. We were silent for a few minutes before I spoke. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

He thought about it. “I don’t know. I guess I was scared.” He wouldn’t look me in the eye. I could hear sniffling and knew he was crying.

I went over and put my hand on his shoulder. “Erik,” I said. “You’re my best friend. You always will be. You can tell me anything. We’re practically brothers.”

Weren't they both sitting on the couch two seconds ago? Why would James have to "go over" to put his hand on Erik's shoulder?

Generally, I really like it. I can't find much wrong with it, but it gets a little confusing at times. I think you should use more body language to show more of the character's personalities, we don't know much about them.

The ending is good, I like the fact that James can accept that his best friend is gay and has a crush on him without being wierded out. It makes sense, and ties everything up. Doesn't leave me hanging, so yeah, it works.

i thought it was cool read it all the way through and liked it

Here (again) as requested!

Hmmm... it doesn't look like you've changed it very much. ^_^

There aren't any grammar problems but you still really suffer from a lack of description. I can tell by your other pieces of writing as well, you're a "let's-get-to-the-plot!" kind of guy. Believe me, description will make your story a million times better.

Don't just say "I was scared."

Show us Erik is scared with description! This is called Showing Not Telling.

Instead of "I was scared," try something like...

My heart was pounding like a caged animal.

Obviously, the person I'm writing about is scared or nervous. But I never once used the word scared.

Using more description will really help the reader picture your story more.

Some other things:

-I would really like to see one of James' diary entries.

-Get us into Erik's head! What does he think? What does he feel?

Some golden opportunities for "getting into Erik's head" are...

-While he is reading the diary
-While he is driving in the car
-When he hugs James

Hope this helped,
Sakura

I did add in an example of his diary entries! And James is the MC and Erik is the boy with the diary... And the I was scared part was him explaining to Jame why he didn't tell him, I wasn't actually saying he was scared at that moment

/me hides.

No, there are several moments when you say he is scared.

Chillll, dude.

1.) You asked for my critique
2.) It was just a hint... *hides*
3.) Showing not Telling should be applied to all of your writing.

Oh, huh...

There is a diary entry there. I swear it wasn't there before. I must be going insane... *eye twitich*

On the entry:

Um, you might want to rate this piece PG-13 or so now... ^_^

The thing about this entry is, it focuses a lot on sex. I would prefer if it got into how James sees Erik as beautiful, not just hot. Maybe how he views Erik as a lovers view each other?

Hope this helps,
Sakura

“Erik? Why the hell are you calling me at two in the morning?” I wanted to smack him for waking me up.

I would take out the "For waking me up" It just seems repetitive.

Erik had been my best friend since we were six. Fifteen years later, we were still best friends.

Maybe just say "We'd been best friends for fifteen years" or something like that.

I got dressed and grabbed my keys. I drove over to Erik’s house, which was only a few blocks away. My mind was racing as I drove to his house.

You can just say "My mind was racing" It flows better I think.

I would never admit it to anyone, but I was scared of getting caught.

I think you could just take this sentence out. I mean, the shaking hands shows us that he's scared. No need to tell us after.

My thoughts were scattered; everything from anger about him not telling me to sadness that he was going through everything alone.

I liked this because a true best friend really would feel that way. I mean, lots of guys would get all freaked out, but I like how he's feeling. It shows how close they are.

I went over and put my hand on his shoulder. “Erik,” I said. “You’re my best friend. You always will be. You can tell me anything. We’re practically brothers.”

If he has a major crush on him, wouldn't it kind of upset him that James thinks of them as brothers? Maybe he's just happy James took it so well?


Honestly, I don't really like the ending of this. I think it's a great story that could be taken a lot further. This just kind of... ends? There should be something about what happens when the police find the computer's been erased, and James' finger prints are on it? I think you should keep going. Plus, I feel like there should be a little more conflict before James is completely okay with this. I mean, he should be understanding because he's his best friend, but I would think he'd be a little more freaked out if Erik's kept this from him for 15 years.

So to put it shortly, I think you should expand. Other than that, I think this is a really good story. (:

Hey there! Apologies for the delay, it seems I got lazy and then completely forgot there was still one left on my list! If you remind me of that next time you request something, I'll be sure to do it extra quick to make up for it ^^

I'll start with a line by line here and then move onto some more general advice and some comments on the ending:

I jolted awake and started rubbing my eyes as I tried to figure out what incessant beeping woke me up. When my brain began to work, I realized it was the phone that woke me up. [Try to avoid the repetition of 'woke me up'. Just phrase is slightly differently like 'woke me' or maybe change the first to 'interrupted my sleep'.] I reached over and picked up my ringing cell phone from the nightstand. I didn’t recognize the number, but something told me to answer anyway. [People going for an 'effect' who want to invoke that atmosphere of mystery or fate are the type who use 'something told me to...' and it isn't necessary. Short sentences and cleverly constructed plots are much more effective. I'd suggest changing it to something ordinary like 'I decided to answer it anyway' or maybe something character building such as 'I decided to have a good shout at the stupid idiot who had decided to waken me' which of course is a dreadful example but you get the idea XD]
I flipped open the phone groggily. “Hello?”
“James?” the voice began, “It’s me, Erik.”
“Erik? Why the hell are you calling me at two in the morning?” I wanted to smack him for waking me up.
“I need a favor….” he started.
“And this couldn’t wait ’til the morning?”
“No, it can’t.” He paused for a moment. “I’m in a bit of trouble here… The cops found out about all the music I’ve downloaded and now I’m in jail. I don’t know how they found out, but they did.”
I let out a sigh. “And what, you want me to come bail you out?” I asked.
I could picture him shaking his head when he answered, “No, I need you to do something else for me. Go to my house – you still have the key I gave you, right?” He paused just long enough for me to say yes. “Good. Go there and wipe my computer. I need you to do it before the cops go and get it in the morning.”
I sat there in disbelief for a second. He wanted me to help him get rid of evidence? “You’re serious?”
“Yeah, I am. You’re the only one I can trust…” he said. [I'd suggest removing the he said here. It's unnecessary and slows the flow of your story a tad.]
I sighed again. “Fine. I’ll do it, but you owe me, big time.”
“Thanks. You’re a life saver.” We hung up and I got out of bed [You're missing a full stop here.]
I could not believe I was about to do this. If it was anyone besides Erik, I wouldn’t have done it. Erik had been my best friend since we were six. Fifteen years later, we were still best friends. [I think this could be phrased a little better to hide the little info dump. Possibly something along the lines of 'Erik had been my best friend since we were six and fifteen years of riding our bikes down the lane, helping each other cheat on tests and wooing girls hadn't changed that.']
I got dressed and grabbed my keys. I drove over to Erik’s house, which was only a few blocks away. My mind was racing as I drove to his house. I was nervous; I definitely did not want to spend time in jail for this. [Maybe describe something that shows him being nervous. Maybe he has the radio on automatic and he starts absently flicking through channels or hastily turns it off and scans the road for other cars, witnesses. Maybe his palms are sweating against the steering wheel or he steps on the break instead of the gas.] When I got there, I parked in his spot and walked to the front door. [And why is his spot vacated? He didn't drive to the police station I'm sure.] I used the key and his front door popped right open.
I knew where his computer was; he always kept it in his bedroom, locked in the top drawer of his nightstand. I went over to his desk and took the key that was taped to the back of it. [Are you sure you mean the back and not underneath or the back of one of the drawers? That's a strange place to tape a key unless the desk is against a wall?]
The drawer unlocked with a click and I pulled out his heavily modded Toshiba laptop and set it on the desk. I booted it up and put in his password. My hands were shaking a bit as I typed it in. I would never admit it to anyone, but I was scared of getting caught. When it booted up, I opened his ‘My Documents’ folder.
When I opened the folder, another folder caught my eye, labeled ‘Top Secret.’ If that was not enough to get someone’s attention, nothing was. I knew that I should respect his privacy and just delete everything, but my curiosity got the better of me.
I opened the folder, and saw that it was filled with Microsoft Word documents. Each one was labeled with a different date. I opened the first one up and started to read. It was his 20th birthday, the day he got his laptop. In the document, he was talking about his party and everything that had happened during the day. It was his diary. I did not even know he kept a diary.
I do not know why I did it, but I took the flash drive that I keep on my keychain off and plugged it into the computer. I saved the entire ‘Top Secret’ folder to the flash drive before I wiped his hard drive.
Erik was always paranoid about his computer, afraid someone might be spying on him. He had had a shredder installed on it that made deleted files unrecoverable. Once I had finished shredding everything on his hard drive, I shut the computer back down and locked it into his night stand drawer again.
When I got home, I took my laptop off my desk, and plugged my flash drive into it. I copied the Top Secret folder from the flash drive onto my hard drive. Then, I began to read through it.
Most of the things that I read were things I knew. We had been best friends for years, so I had a good idea of most of what was going on in Erik’s head. There were a few things that did surprise me, though. He never did date much, and his diary told me why.
I always had a feeling that Erik was gay. He was not effeminate or anything, but I always had a feeling that he was hiding something, and now I knew what it was. He was gay and he had a crush on me. I never thought that he had ever thought of me that way. I never thought of him that way. He was my best friend, practically my brother.
I read one of the passages out loud. “Today was so much fun. James and I went to the beach together. We were there all day. And James had new swim trunks on. They were bright red and hugged his ass. It was so sexy. I had to focus on not getting a boner the entire time. God he’s hot. When we were lying on the beach tanning, I wanted to just reach over and caress his muscles. Ugh. This is driving me crazy. “ [You have a space between the full stop and the speech marks that shouldn't be there. Loving the diary entry by the way, it gives a good insight into who Erik is.] The date on the entry was July 23. That was last week.
I sat there for a few minutes mulling things over. My thoughts were scattered; everything from anger about him not telling me to sadness that he was going through [s]everything[/s] this alone.
I decided that I needed to talk to him. I put away my laptop, grabbed my keys and wallet again, and drove down to the jail. I used the drive to help clear my mind and focus my thoughts.
Erik is gay… I kept thinking over and over. My best friend is gay.…
When I got to the jail, I paid his bail and he came out, looking shocked.
“What are you doing here?” he asked as he walked through the door leading to the back of the jail.
“I couldn’t let my best friend just sit in jail,” I told him.
He smiled and gave me a hug. Not a gay hug or anything, just a friendly hug. “Thanks.”
We walked out to my car together and I looked over at him. “Erik?”
He turned to look at me. “What?
“I found your ‘Top Secret’ folder…”
His eyes got wide and his mood changed almost instantly. “You… you… read it?” he asked.
I nodded.
He stopped walking. “Why?” He looked like he was going to cry.
“I don’t know. Something told me to.” [This line of dialogue doesn't sound the most realistic. Think carefully on what response you'd give to doing something you shouldn't have, like reading your friend's diary. And then think on who your character is and how the response might alter.] I motioned [s]towards[/s] toward the car. “Come on; let’s talk about this back at my house.”
He nodded and followed me, trying to fight back tears. During the car ride back to my house, neither of us spoke. Neither of us was sure what to say.
When we got to my house, we both went inside. I sat on my couch and he sat on the love seat opposite me. We were silent for a few minutes before I spoke. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I asked, searching his eyes for an answer.
He thought about it. “I don’t know. I guess I was scared.” He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He buried his face in his hands; I could hear sniffling and knew he was crying.
I went over and put my hand on his shoulder. “Erik,” I said. “You’re my best friend. You always will be. You can tell me anything. We’re practically brothers.”
He finally looked up at me and had a slight smile on his face. “Thanks. I should’ve told you.”
“Yeah, you should have,” I told him. “I would’ve helped you through all this. What’s a best friend for if you don’t let them help you?”
“I guess you’re right. Sorry.” He looked up at me and gave me a weak smile.
I hugged him. He was surprised at first, but then he hugged me back. When we broke apart we were both smiling. “Why don’t you go grab some clothes from my room and get changed? I’ll make us some breakfast.”
He nodded. When he got to the foot of the stairs he turned and looked at me. “Thanks again, James.”
I smiled. “No problem.”
He ran upstairs to change and I went into the kitchen to make us some eggs and bacon. He came back downstairs wearing a pair of my jeans and a t-shirt, just as I was finishing breakfast.
“Smells great,” he said as he grabbed a plate.
“Well duh, I made it,” I said smiling.
Breakfast was actually pretty quiet. We were both thinking about everything.
Erik was the one to break the silence. “You’re really okay with this?” he asked.
I nodded. “Best friends for life, remember?”

Ending

This is probably more my love for tension than anything else but I think the ending is too abrupt. I think James needs some time to think around this, there needs to be a little more awkwardness before they resolve it. They've both had long days. James has gone through a nerve-wrecking morning being an accomplish to a crime while Erik has spent the night in jail. Think about what that would do to your characters. And then James just throwing this out there at him as soon as he's out while he's still got the possibility of charges hovering above his head and the trauma of mug shots and handcuffs? Even if he's not a hugely emotional character, there needs to be a larger reaction. There should be more anger, maybe some humiliation, certainly desperation and sadness. And to be honest, if James were a nice guy, he'd wait until they were back at his and Erik had taken time to spill about his fears about the crime and to feel better before saying anything. That would also give you an extra scene to play tension builder in.

Description

You have the bare bones so the reader can follow your plot but there aren't many extra details and it's impossible to build an atmosphere without those. Here's an article you might find useful: viewarticlebody.php?t=33840

Characters

Now, I had trouble connecting to your characters. I didn't feel scared that James might be discovered wiping the files, I didn't feel sorry that Erik had to spend a night in jail and I wasn't sensing the tension between them or the heavy weight of the day they'd just been through. You need to work on making these two guys not just believable but also the sort of characters who we could relate to and feel for. If you've read the rest of my review, hopefully you'll have a few ideas on how to do that now but if you need more advice, send me a pm and I'll write up some tips.

Overall

I liked your plot. I think you could embellished it more in places and the ending needs some work but in general, it's a good read. Work on your description and characterisation for the moment and then if you really want to give it the full works, have another look at your dialogue and see if you can make it just a little more natural.

I hope this helps,

Heather xx

Apologies for the belated review; I've had a lot of crap on my plate lately. (Er. Only not literally.) Your other reviewers seem to have covered a lot of ground; I only skimmed through them, so I might be reiterating some of the things they have already mentioned.

Stuff that bugged me:

(1) Erik's Jail Stint: I don't know if you've done any research into copyright law and what happens when you are caught, but I didn't buy a lot of this. First of all, I'm not sure how he got caught. This may not seem important to you, but if the police haven't already seen the files on his computer (or tracked it in some way, so that deleting the files doesn't help Erik), why does James need to come and erase the music? If he's at the point where he's already in jail, it's unlikely that they don't have substantial proof to put him away.

Also, the vast majority of the time, downloaders have to pay exorbitant fines, not serve jail sentences. (I know it's one potential punishment, but I have never heard of someone being imprisoned unless he's running some kind of large-scale downloading racket, which ... is hard.)

And if he's already in jail, there would have been some kind of trial to precede it; it's not like being drunk and disorderly in the middle of the night or shooting someone or getting in a fight. It's not the kind of thing a police office can drive by and say, "oh, hey, that looks pretty illegal," and throw you into jail for. Also, why is this happening at two o'clock in the morning? For something like downloading music, I can't imagine cops doing a night raid; it's pointless and a waste of time and money and resources, and it's not likely the downloader's going to make off in the middle of the night. They can just as well arrest him in the morning.

And if there hasn't been a trial yet, why is he in jail? It's not like he's a direct threat to anyone. It doesn't make much sense.

If you really want Erik to be in jail, I would suggest changing the nature of the crime. Maybe it's something that could help James learn of his sexual orientation. Maybe he was underage at a male strip club. Maybe he picked a fight with someone — or maybe someone beat him up and he got in trouble for it.

You could still have James go to Erik's house and snoop around; maybe Erik needs his wallet for bail money, or maybe he needs to call his parents, and their phone number is saved somewhere on his computer. Any number of excuses will do.

(2) Trivialities: The story gets bogged down in a lot of detail that isn't really relevant. Which is to say: the story's about their friendship, and how unyielding it is. It's also about Erik's sexual orientation. More than half of the story is about Erik being in jail, about James covering up for him, about James being terrified. Only halfway through the story do we learn what the story's about — and by then, it's jumped from storyline to storyline and keeps us guessing as to what it's all really about. Which is bad. You might want to keep the readers guessing as to what is going to happen next, but generally, if we're not even aware of what's going on until midway through the story, revision may be required.

Which is, again, why I'd suggest that Erik's jailing should link to something about his sexual orientation, or at least something that contributes in some way to the story. Maybe he's acting weird and James is concerned. You'd have instant tension, and you could start to introduce their friendship. Maybe James starts to flashback about defining events in their friendship. Maybe, through their conversation, you could convey some of that closeness. Any number of things.

On a minor-but-not-minor note: for someone who is constantly and vividly paranoid about his computer, you'd think he wouldn't label his secret files 'Top Secret'. That's, uh. Kind of a dead giveaway. As someone who used to hide files on their computer, the easiest way to hide it is to call the folder something incredibly boring, like 'Untitled' or 'Recovered Files' or 'Utilities'. It's also strange that he wouldn't password protect it. It's too easy for James to find the files, and it doesn't suit Erik's paranoia to be so obvious about it. Especially because "Top Secret" pretty much translates into "Read Me!" with giant blinking lights around it.

(3) The Beginning: So I have a couple of problems with the beginning. First of all, it isn't very engaging; a story that starts with a character waking up has been done a thousand and a half times before, and it's never an interesting way to begin. The phone/doorbell/alarm/insert-distracty-noise-here ringing is also another staple beginning; it's easy, but it's bland and the fastest way to turn away potential readers is to have an unoriginal, unengaging beginning.

I think you have an interesting premise here, and it's hardly unexciting: finding out your best friend is mysteriously in jail is kind of alarming. It's a great way to start a story and I'm not sure why you need all of the setup with Erik calling him. I would love to see the story begin with James entering the police station. It's a simple way to draw readers in: why's he there? Is he seeing someone or did something happen to him? And when we see Erik, there are more questions: who is Erik? What did he do?

And so forth.

(4) The End: I'm repeating what other people have said already, I think, but it's important so I'll say it again. The story is resolved too quickly. There's no tension whatsoever between the two characters. I can buy that James is totally fine with Erik being gay, but most friends I know who have revealed their sexual orientation to someone they like (who isn't also gay) have had reactions that are generally uncomfortable, even if it's just at first.

Not to mention that without any kind of tension or conflict whatsoever, the story quickly becomes uninteresting. I'm not saying James has to throw a fit at the reveal of Erik being gay, but I do think there has to be something here, somewhere, to keep the readers interested. As it is right now, it's kind of flat. The thing about happy endings is that they're not very gratifying unless the characters have earned it. It rings kind of tritely because the characters don't seem too perturbed by anything else that is happening to them. Erik doesn't even seem too upset that he's in jail! Let alone everything else.

(5) Nitpicks I'm not going to go through every single line of the story (again, others seem to have covered this pretty thoroughly), but I didn't want to point out two things that kind of stood out for me:

I always had a feeling that Erik was gay. He was not effeminate or anything, but I always had a feeling that he was hiding something, and now I knew what it was.

This is pretty vague. "He was hiding something" doesn't quite equal "he's gay" — what tips James off? Does he look at men differently than he looks at women? Does he compliment James on a few, subtle occasions? Does he hint at it? Is he more touchy, more flirty in his banter with guys?

The other thing that I couldn't help noticing was:

Not a gay hug or anything, just a friendly hug.

What's a gay hug? How is it different from a straight hug? How is it different from a friendly hug? These descriptors aren't very descriptive (and quite frankly, they're a little insulting). Is it a tight hug, a long hug, a squeeze, an embrace? There are better words in the English vocabulary to describe this.

Okay! Done. If you have any questions or need me to clarify anything, as always, feel free to PM me and I'll be glad to help out as much as possible. Good luck with editing! : )