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The Banker and the Slaughter's Boys *working title



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Sun Jan 11, 2009 6:50 pm
vox nihili says...



This is a story about...well, I'll see if you can figure it out. Besides, prefacing it would basically ruin this bit of the plot. But this is just the beginning. No, it's not long. It will get longer, though, I can tell you.
.............
The Banker and the Slaughter’s Boys
A tall, rail thin guy stood over the counter, his lackadaisical expression unmarred despite the clamoring crowd of customers. Drake Rellshig had an aura of peace about him. His family sometimes called him ‘The Cool One’ due to his apathetic gaze of steel blue eyes.
A woman stepped up to his station, and he asked her in the monotone of courtesy for the customers,
“Withdraw or save?”
“Withdraw,” she said, a set of purple-gloss covered lips said in a barely audible voice.
In the shadow of the counters, Drake’s feet and legs danced as his fingers drummed away on the computer, looking at the woman’s ID as he opened her account,
“How much?”
“Thirty thousand dollars, thankyou.” She said, this time sounding a bit strange as she smirked.
“I’m sorry, you can’t withdraw that much—you only have a hundred in your account,” Drake said slowly, sleepily.
“Say what? I say I want that money,” she spat at him as she said this, “And I got a way to get it too.”
“I’m sorry, you don’t have that much money in your—“
“Look here, smarty,” she hissed. What Drake saw caused him to catch his breath, trying very hard not to howl. A black steel muzzle to a revolver protruded from the woman’s skirt pocket.
“Now here's how it goes, sunny,” she whispered, her voice like poisoned honey. “I will shoot you if you don’t give me that money. So take out your own card and put ninety thousand dollars on it. Then once you’ve handed it to me, I expect you to turn your open sign around and come with me. Or else somebody’s gonna have a quarter ounce of searing hot lead in their brains.”
Drake truly wanted to screech, howl out for all his might, his feet dancing and stumbling beneath him as he typed, making the transaction of the ninety grand to his own bank card. His hands trembled as he looked deep into the woman’s grey green eyes, hoping to find a way out. But her hand remained trained on him, her finger over the already cocked trigger. It was apparent that she meant what she told him. Through pale strands of bleached hair, the woman gave him a warning glance, and a knot formed in his stomach as reluctant, slow, he flipped the open sign to closed.
He then scooted from behind the teller’s desk, stumbling on his hopping feet and ankles as he emerged from the aisle into the bank lobby. No one had been able to see the entire event, he realized, due to the small plastic partitions that surrounded each pay-hole in the counter!
His dark tennis shoes squeaked loudly on the cold tile floor. He tried not to look at the bulge in the woman’s skirt where the gun was. She could kill him…and he would never know what had even happened. Drake’s mind rushed with fleeting, adrenaline-filled thoughts.
He still could barely believe that anyone else hadn't noticed the gun. The security camera…that was it! The gun was at an angle to the desk so that it was draped in shadow, out of the monitor’s range. He was being kidnapped, and no one even knew it!
“You go out second. And don’t you think 0f running. I got this gun and I am not afraid to use it.” she said huskily.
Now the woman walked backwards through the bank’s automatic doors, the point of the gun’s muzzle still trained on Drake. A lump rose in his throat as he tried to find a way out. Run, she’s got you. BAM!
Try to fight her and the same thing happens. Try to talk her out of it, and she’ll probably be annoyed enough to fire at me. But where is she going to take me? How long will I be there, will I live? Drake’s stomach sank into his intestines as he walked over the foyer and out the last set of doors, hearing the metal sides smash together like the blade of a guillotine. The sound made him shudder as he stumbled along, his legs still dancing.
“Good, good little boy, you're defenseless, you know,” sneered the woman, now speaking in louder, a more hostile tone of voice.
“Uhm…?” Drake began, staring furiously at his captress, now whistling a jig at cut-time speed.
“You are going to open the door of that car and get in it. If you got anything in that head of yours, you should know to be careful. One wrong move and-“
“And an ounce of searing hot lead in my brain, yeah.” He spat back, fighting the growing urge to do a roundhouse kick at her head.
He went to the back door of a black car that was in the first parking space.
“Yes. Now get in the back seat. Hands on your head.”
Drake sat down slowly, reluctant to take a position in the hearse-like vehicle which smelled of smoke, alcohol, and the fetid stench of vomit. His head began to shake so hard he thought his neck would break. Now taking the gun out of her pocket, still aimed at Drake, she pulled a roll of duct tape out of her purse. Using her teeth and left hand, she began to tear strips from the roll, temporarily sticking them to the edge of the car door. Once she had her material laid out, she took a sizeable strip and ran it from the center of Drake’s forehead, going over his crown, tying his hands to his skull. Then she twined tape around his wrists, then despite his kicks, she managed to tape his ankles to each other. A final three strips secured his abdomen to the seat. The woman gave him a dark look as she closed the door, hopping into the front seat. She cranked it up, the key clicking in the ignition, and she rocketed out of the parking lot, the wheels spinning and slinging gravel.
...................
That's it so far. What do you think of the plot? Like it, hate it, love it? Feedback is quite welcome indeed. I hope you liked it. But I really appreciate criticism too.
Cheers!
--Voxina
Last edited by vox nihili on Fri Feb 20, 2009 1:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sun Jan 11, 2009 9:30 pm
Antigone Cadmus says...



Hey, Voxina! *shakes hand* I'm Sakura and I'll be your reviewer for today. ^_^

A tall, rail thin guy


The word guy feels too casual. Man would be fine here.

she said, a set of purple-gloss covered lips said in a barely audible voice.


Take out the first she said. (You say she said twice).

thankyou.” She said, this time sounding perhaps yet more clever.


Several things here:
-make thank you two words.
-De-capitalize the she
-"perhaps yet more clever" doesn't quite flow right. Also, you never stated she was clever before. How is she more clever when she never seemed clever?

“Say what? I say I want ‘dat money,” she spat at him as she said this, “An’ I got a way to get it too.”


I think you should have her talking with a dialect/accent from the beginning instead of randomly having her begin speaking like that.

her voice like poisoned honey


Random thought here lol: Did you take this from Harry Potter? I just remembered when I read it that's how Umbridge is described. Nothing wrong with that, but I just noticed it. ^_^
I also don't think the term "poisoned honey". Is good here. Poisoned honey would be sweet- sickly sweet. This woman sounds harsh.

“And an ounce of searing hot lead in my brain, yeah.” He spat back, fighting the growing urge to do a roundhouse kick at her head.


De-capitalize he.
Why doesn't he roundhouse kick her if he's that strong? I know she has a gun , but he could get it away from her.

Now taking the gun out of her pocket, still aimed at Drake, she pulled a roll of duct tape out of her purse. Using her teeth and left hand, she began to tear strips from the roll, temporarily sticking them to the edge of the car door. Once she had her material laid out, she took a sizeable strip and ran it from the center of Drake’s forehead, going over his crown, tying his hands to his skull. Then she twined tape around his wrists, then despite his kicks, she managed to tape his ankles to the floor. A final three strips secured his abdomen to the seat. The woman gave him a dark look as she closed the door, hopping into the front seat. She cranked it up, the key clicking in the ignition, and she rocketed out of the parking lot, the wheels spinning and slinging gravel.


No one notices this?

I really liked this, Voxina. There wern't many errors at all.

Good job!

Hope this helped,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85
  





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Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:10 pm
Demeter says...



Hi, Vox! Finally here.

You had quite a lot of unneeded words/sentences/expressions here, in which some of them you just state the obvious. I'll point out a few now.

His family sometimes called him ‘The Cool One’ due to his apathetic gaze of steel blue eyes[s], the long, dark lashes batting innocently[/s].

But her hand remained trained on him, her finger over the already cocked trigger. [s]An ounce of searing hot lead in his brain? He’d sooner do what she told him to.[/s] Through pale strands of bleached hair, the woman gave him a warning glance, and a knot formed in his stomach as reluctant, slow, he flipped the open sign to closed.

He tried not to look at the bulge in the woman’s skirt where the gun was. [s]She could kill him…and he would never know what had even happened.[/s] Drake’s mind rushed with fleeting, adrenaline-filled thoughts.

“Bubs, you go out second. And don’t you think a’ running. [s]I got this gun and I am not afraid to use it.[/s]”

[s]Once she had her material laid out,[/s] she took a sizeable strip and ran it from the center of Drake’s forehead

Then once you’ve handed it to me, [s]I expect you to[/s]turn your open sign around and come with me.



Then, some other things.

his lackadaisical expression


Hmm, what does this mean?


In the shadow of the counters, Drake’s feet and legs danced as his fingers drummed away on the computer, looking at the woman’s ID as he opened her account,


This sentence is too long – plus that the two 'as's make it repetitive. Also, why are there both 'feet' and 'legs'?


His dark tennis shoes squeak[s]ing[/s]ed loudly on the cold tile floor.



Drake’s stomach sank into his intestines

a knot formed in his stomach

A lump rose in his throat


I don't really care for this kind of clichéed expressions. Sure, they describe the feeling pretty well, but they're so unoriginal and boring. Maybe think of something fresher and unique? Of course, these are only small things, and you shouldn't get too stuck in them – what's more important is the plot and the story itself.


Drake said slowly, sleepily.


Delete either of the adverbs – I suggest you take out the 'slowly'.

***

Drake

His personality is vague-ish at this point. Of course, this is only the first chapter, but I didn't really get to know Drake yet. He's 'The Cool One', talks sleepily, and I can imagine him having this tired and indifferent expression on his face. He urges to kick the woman, but he doesn't, even though he apparently would be able to. Still, he's fighting back when the woman is taping him on the floor. And he doesn't even wonder why he is being kidnapped. I would, at least. So, long story short: Drake is vague. (Hey, didn't that rhyme?) But I'm pretty sure he'll develop when the story gets forward.


The woman

First, she talks normally. Then she has this weird accent, and then she talks normally again. She also wordies her sentences too much, as in 'Now you are going to do that', though she could very well say 'Do that'. See what I mean? It bugged me a little. I suggest that before you do anything else, you either 'accentize' her whole speech, or then just get completely rid of it. Also, I don't like that she calls Drake her 'captive' – it makes it sound really corny. And it's not believable, either. You could've also described her motives a little. Why is she robbing and kidnapping Drake? Give us a little background.


The plot

I liked how the action started in the very first paragraphs. This was interesting to read and you got me hooked from the beginning. I only wondered that nobody else in the shop noticed anything weird when the woman demanded Drake's card and took him away. There were other people in the shop, after all. And how could the shopmaster or whatever let Drake just leave in the middle of his workday? These unexplained things annoyed me a little while I was reading the story.


Random

You can't really tape someone on the floor with duct tape – it's not that strong, especially if the person you're taping has clothes on. I understand the tying of the hands and feet, though, that's just normal. Well, normal and normal. You know what I mean. ;)


So, overall, you had an interesting start here. Just do some editing and it'll be fine. And contact me if you need more reviews/help/anything!


Demeter
xxx
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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