Young Writers Society

Alright, so this idea has been in my head for several years. I wrote it an realized it has some similarities the His Dark Materials and Artemis Fowl.

Tell me if you see them!
I also wrote this two years ago...
I found this draft on my computer. ^_^

Thanks!

Chapter one



Squares of dusty light danced around the library. The air was thick with the smell of ancient paper. Daniel rarely went there. He was a scrawny, emaciated looking boy of ten or eleven with untidy blond hair. Since he worked in the kitchens, there was always the faint smell of flour lingering around him. He found little interest in books, as he could barley read or write, though a scullery maid had taught him his letters. But Daniel- this uneducated servant- had quite an important job: he was responsible for Bobby.
Bobby was one of the only occupants in the library. Daniel could see him at a table in the corner. He was hunkered over a giant leather-bound book. Daniel crossed over to him and saw that it was full of complex rune-like lettering. Next to that was a small piece of paper and dozens of other books in strange languages. On the piece of paper was written one of the runes and a single letter- A.
“What is it?” snapped Bobby. There were dark circles under his eyes, so Daniel could tell he hadn’t been sleeping. Bobby was thin with dark brown hair and emerald-green eyes. He was tall for his age, and his hair was messy.
“Sorry to interrupt-”
“You had better be! Do you realize that I’ve been working on this translation for three days, and I’ve only translated A. How far can I get with just one letter?”
Daniel knew better than to ask what Bobby was doing- he wouldn’t understand the first word of it. “The Heads want to see you.”
“Now? Can’t you see that I’m busy? What’s it about anyway?”
Daniel sighed. “I dunno. Probably the same old stuff.” He tapped his head with his index finger.
“Ah.” said Bobby with pride. “Intelligence quotient.”
“Don’t be obnoxious! Now hurry up so I don’t get yelled at.”
Bobby closed the books, and the two then navigated the vast and gloomy corridors together until they reached the meeting hall door. Daniel knocked, called out “Here he is!” and left the Heads to meet with Bobby in private.

The room the heads met Booby in was painted a deep blood red. The ceiling was high, but the room itself was narrow and gave one a terrible sense of claustrophobia. There was one large fireplace in the back, but Bobby had never seen it lit. The main furnishing was a long, stained wood table that seemed expensive. The Heads sat in the same order they always did, which was by rank. At the end of the table, the sort of leader of the Heads sat. His name was Merrick and the first thing that was brought to attention when looked at was his eyes. They were a piercing, intelligent gray that felt like daggers when stared into. He was of average height, and had gray hair. He was hard to describe, because although he looked normal, he had such a powerful presence that it was as if he were larger than life itself. Or death. The same was often true of Bobby, but Merrick was the only human who could belittle Bobby.
“Bobby,” said Merrick, his voice dripping with a poisoned sweet politeness. “Please have a seat.”
“It isn’t as if I have a choice.” Bobby scowled as he took a seat at the back of the long table. All thirteen Heads drilled into him with their cool eyes.
“How are your lessons?” asked Merrick.
“I haven’t had a lesson in years! I’m too dim, remember?” Bobby scowled again. He suspected that the Heads already knew what he had tried so hard to hide.
Merrick’s eyes flashed angrily. “I will not be talked to that disrespectfully!”
“Yes, sir.”
The other twelve Heads nodded in approval. They wouldn’t talk until they were given Merrick’s permission.
“Now, to business. You are aware that your father had an important role here at The Department of Experimental Theology.”
“Yes, sir.” Father? Bobby hardly knew his father. He doubted that his father even knew that he had a son.
“He ran several expeditions to receive information for us here at The Department.”
Several? Bobby could hardly remember what his father looked like. He was gone so often. “Yes, sir.”
“Some of them proved to be fatal. Many men died in those expeditions. They were very perilous.”
Of course they were perilous! Bobby had been on an expedition twice. He had naturally just been a nuisance to his father. “Yes, sir.”
“Your father was very usef… good for The Department. Unfortunately, his last expedition was more dangerous than we anticipated.”
So…? “Yes, sir.” He felt like an obedient little puppy.
“Bobby, your father isn’t coming back this time.”
“Yes, sir.” Bobby parroted automatically.
“I’m not quite sure you understand,” Merrick said casually. “Bobby, your father is dead.”
Bobby smiled weakly. “Pardon, sir?”
“Your father is dead, Bobby. We at The Department are sorry.”
“Oh.” That was all Bobby could say. He felt numb, but not sad. Millions of people died everyday and he didn’t care because he hadn’t known them. The same was true of his father. “May I leave now, sir?”
“Just go. The Department has better things to discuss than you.” However, Bobby noticed Merrick smile maliciously at his right-hand man, Aetheodore.
Bobby got out of the chair, and not bothering to push it in headed for the door. When he shut it behind him he found that Daniel had reappeared. From the look of concern on his face, Bobby knew that he had heard the news. “Are you okay?” Daniel asked nervously.
“You told.”
“What?”
Bobby was steaming. His face had turned a bright crimson red. “You told them!” he seethed. He grabbed Daniel’s arm and pulled him into a deserted hallway.
“I didn’t do nothing! Swear!” whimpered Daniel.
“You little creep,” Bobby drew his hand into a fist. “You told!” His fist exploded onto Daniel’s face, who shrieked when his nose began to stream blood. “You told!”
Daniel shielded his face with his hands. “You’re just angry! Don’t take it out on me!”
Bobby dropped Daniel’s arm and ran back to the library where he gathered his papers and books and took them to his room. He didn’t feel guilty that he had hit Daniel, even though now he realized the boy hadn’t revealed his secret. He himself had.
Bobby sat on the bed and buried his face in his hands. “Idiot.” he muttered. “Leaving your calculations out! Murmuring about ancient texts and translations!” He fell asleep cursing himself. His mother could help. He would find her first. He would leave soon. Besides, thought Bobby cheerfully. My father’s dead now. He must have left me something.
Any normal child would be destroyed at the very thought of being an orphan. Even for children who despise their parents, the comfort of having them is enough to make them regret not having them.
But Bobby wasn’t normal.
Bobby was a genius.

Thanks!
Oh, and he really is an orphan. His mother is dead (you find that out in one page). Hence the title.

Great story! dont know any errors to say hehe =), hope you will write more into this story seemed very interesting to me. keep on the good work.

Go Bobby! This was well written but for few things. The only major issue was that it didn't seem to lead anywhere: we have no idea what actually he is going to do, but find his mom. So it is well written, but doesn't make us interested at how the story will continue.

said Malerrick as kindly as he could, which wasn’t very

something bothers me with this sentence. Try to think of another word than very. I would change it to quite but...oh well

Never read Artemis Fowl or the other book...

Squares of dusty light danced around the library. The air was thick with the smell of ancient paper.

This might look better as one sentence.
“Squares of dusty light danced around the library, the air thick with the smell of ancient paper.”

Bobby closed the books, and the two then navigated the vast and gloomy corridors together until the reached the meeting hall door.

“They reached.” Just a small typo.

“Yes, sir.” The other twelve Heads nodded in approval. They wouldn’t talk until they were given Malerrick’s permission.

Maybe put a paragraph break after the dialogue. It makes it look as it the Heads are the ones talking.

Several? Bobby could hardly remember what his father looked like. “Yes, sir.”

I think the part about Bobby not remembering his father should be taken out. It seems out of place and a little redundant.

Any normal child would be destroyed at the very thought of being an orphan.

If he still has a mother, than he shouldn’t be considered an orphan. Maybe think of another way to phrase this.

I really enjoyed this story. I didn’t notice too many similarities to Artemis Fowl or His Dark Materials aside from the genius part and the part about him living in something that looks like a university. The story grabbed me right away, and that’s normally pretty difficult to do. I’m looking forward to reading more.

Cookie!

Grammar and Wording!

He found little interest in books, as he could barely read or write, though a scullery maid had taught him his letters. But Daniel- this uneducated servant- had quite an important job: he was responsible for Bobby.

Two things I didn't like about this part. First, the part about the scullery maid is redundant, because if he can barely read and write he must know his letters. It also makes the sentence too long.
Second, Daniel-this uneducated servant- sounds like you're speaking directly to the reader. It's like, "This uneducated servant! See here: this one!" I think you should change it to Daniel, an uneducated servant, or Daniel, though an uneducated servant, or something.

The room the heads met Bobby in was painted a deep blood red.

I don't think you have to clarify which room it is, it's very obvious. Just say the room.

His name was Malerrick and the first thing that was brought to attention when looked at was his eyes.

This...is a weird sentence. I'm guessing you meant when one looked at him? Or I guess it could work as it is. Still, it's long and awkward, so make it more concise.

He was hard to describe, because although he looked normal, he had such a powerful presence that it was as if he were larger than life itself.

Omitting the underlined portion would give your description more emphasis. Besides, A) you just described him, so it can't be that hard, and B) what is normal? Human? Non-deformed? A redhead? This is fantasy fiction, so what's normal in Bobby's world may not be the same as what's normal in our world.

“I will not be talked to that disrespectfully!”

So he will be be talked to disrespectfully, just not that disrepectfully? That's what it sounds like, anyway.

Bobby could hardly remember what his father looked like. He was gone so often.

I think this would sound better as one sentence. [i]Bobby could hardly remember what his father looked like, he was gone so often. Now they're not two separate ideas, but it sounds more like his father's absence has caused Bobby to forget what his father looked like.

I noticed a lot of short sentences, which make it sound a bit rushed and choppy, so I suggest reading it again and watching out for those.

Descriptions

He was a scrawny, emaciated looking boy of ten or eleven with untidy blond hair. Since he worked in the kitchens, there was always the faint smell of flour lingering around him.

Bobby was thin with dark brown hair and emerald-green eyes. He was tall for his age, and his hair was messy.

His name was Malerrick and the first thing that was brought to attention when looked at was his eyes. They were a piercing, intelligent gray that felt like daggers when stared into. He was of average height, and had gray hair. He was hard to describe, because although he looked normal, he had such a powerful presence that it was as if he were larger than life itself. Or death.

Notice something in common with all of these descriptions? They're all simply dropped in where they should be subtly introduced. Instead of simply listing all the details, try and space them out a bit and include action. For example:

A large gust of wind ruffled Harvey's long, blond hair as he headed down main street. His deep brown eyes scanned the sidewalk for Lucy's necklace.

The other thing I noticed is that your characters don't have any strange characteristics. Every mischievous boy has messy brown hair, but what would make Bobby different is his bright pink dinosaur barette. Or the diamond stud in his ear. Or the scar on his chin that he got from falling out of a tree when he was five. You know? Otherwise he's just forgetable. As are Malerrick and Daniel.

If you want more help/clarification check out this really helpful article on descriptions by Kitty15.

Bobby!
...is an interesting kid, if quick to anger. What I didn't like about him is how quick he was to not care about his father's death. I think anyone-even someone who had never met their dad-would be affected by it. Also it sounds like he cares about his mother, and she would be (understandably) upset at least a little bit. So even if he doesn't care, he should care that she cares. He could be numb at first, but then when it sinks in...I don't think you should just write off his father's death like that.

Things I liked!
Yes, this review is a bit harsh-but only because it's got loads of potential after revision! I think your plot is solid, though I'm not sure where it's going yet, and I liked the scene where Bobby punches Daniel because it actually gives us a sense of his personality. Just read it over a few times and revise, it'll be great.

So, get to it, Sakura! I hope this helped you.
Oh, the only thing I noticed that was similar to Artemis Fowl is the absent and then dead(?) father: question mark because Fowl Sr. wasn't really dead, but you know.
PM me/post on my thread if you need any more help.

I thought this was good, though I did see a lot of similarities to His Dark Materials. They both have the idea of a parent-less kid living at a university with impatient scholars who only care about you as a tool, etc. I haven't read Artemis Foul, so I'm not so sure in that regard. Also, I have to agree that you do just sort of throw in the traits in the beginning. Maybe try to make it a bit more subtle, and a little less of a "this is the story of Bobby's life."

The others basically covered everything, but I think you can be more descriptive of the Heads. Not just physically or names, but Bobby's feelinga bou them as a whole not just
Malerrick. Sorry for not being as helpful as the others, but I feel self conscious when it comes to critiquing others.

I think you kind of switched POVs in the beginning.

Since he worked in the kitchens, there was always the faint smell of flour lingering around him. He found little interest in books, as he could barley read or write, though a scullery maid had taught him his letters. But Daniel- this uneducated servant- had quite an important job: he was responsible for Bobby.

This paragraph, and the other beginning paragraphs, are all about Daniel, but the rest is written from Bobby's POV. So maybe you could just rewrite this paragraph. Also it has 'telling' instead of 'showing', so you could just delete it altogether and reveal the information through dialogue.

Otherwise, this was a good, interesting piece. I haven't read His Dark Materials or Artemis Fowl so I can't say whether there are similarities. Keep writing!

Hello! My name is El, and I will be your reviewer this evening.

I liked your piece. It was interesting. You are right, there are similarities to both Artemis Fowl and His Dark Materials ... but it's not so bad at the moment. I think it depends on where the story is going, for example, having Bobby kidnap a fairy for ransom would undermine the situation. But if your story is moving away from those other books, then I can't see it being a big problem. I mean, you can find bits and pieces in any story similar to bits and pieces in other stories.

What I really feel like doing it saying "ditto Mars". She had some pretty good advice for you, and she picked out the problem sentences that I would have. But I'm one of those people who likes to have their say anyway.

Squares of dusty light danced around the library. The air was thick with the smell of ancient paper. Daniel rarely went there. He was a scrawny, emaciated looking boy of ten or eleven with untidy blond hair. Since he worked in the kitchens, there was always the faint smell of flour lingering around him. He found little interest in books, as he could barley read or write, though a scullery maid had taught him his letters. But Daniel- this uneducated servant- had quite an important job: he was responsible for Bobby.

Ok, yes. Other people have talked about descriptions, and how you tend to dump it all in a telling (rather than showing) fashion. But I thought of a fun analogy!

Are you aware of vegemite? You might not be. It's supposed to be an Australian thing. If you are not, it is a black paste-like substance often spread on toast. It is also quite horrible if stick a spoonful of it straight into your mouth and try to eat it. Don't ever do this. However, if it is spread thin on toast, it is edible, and in fact quite enjoyable.

Description is a bit like vegemite. It's very hard to swallow a lump of it, but spread nicely over the whole scene/chapter/story (which ever length is relevent for the item being described) it makes a good meal. Much more interesting than plain toast, but also (and most importantly) edible. You tend to dump a whole lot of description the moment we meet a new character, but it would be a lot more pleasant for you readers if you spread the information out.

There were dark circles under his eyes, so Daniel could tell he hadn’t been sleeping. Bobby was thin with dark brown hair and emerald-green eyes.

I've never understood why hair and eye colour are so important to a story. Especially eye colour. I usually don't notice a person's eye colour the first time I meet them, unless it's truly outstanding (and that doesn't happen in real life as often as it does in books, I swear). And if someone asked me what a friend of mine looked like, eye colour would not be the first thing I mentioned. I suppose it might come up at some stage, but probably only if I was directly asked "what is the colour of their eyes?".

Ok, maybe I'm a bit pet peeve-y about eye colour. But ... I don't know. It's just not that obvious or important in imagining someone. Find something more interesting to describe, perhaps?

“Now, to business. You are aware that your father had an important role here at The Department of Experimental Theology.”

Is the "You are aware that your father ..." etc sentence supposed to be a question? Technically it doesn't have to be. It's a statement. But it would usually be asked as a question, and I read it automatically as a question and was surprised when there was no question mark on the end.

A Note On Malerrick:

I don't like him. I know I'm not supposed to. He's mean to Bobby and all that. But I don't really believe him, which is a problem. He seems very childish about how he deals with Bobby, and I'm just not convinced someone so important would be so ... uncontrolled. Especially:

“Just go. The Department has better things to discuss than you.” However, Bobby noticed Malerrick smile maliciously at his right-hand man, Aetheodore.

A bit much perhaps? Just a bit too petty of him?

On the otherhand ...

“Your father is dead, Bobby. We at The Department are sorry.”

This I liked. It wasn't overt nastiness ... it was just a bit ... cool. Impersonnel. He's working that shock value well. And it's great how you left that with no "he said" tag. It works all by itself on a line. A masterly way for someone of his position to be showing their nasty side.

That's my opinion anyway.

But Bobby wasn’t normal.
Bobby was a genius

I'm not that fond of your closer either. It's the "Bobby was a genius" bit. I think it's because we already knew that. It didn't have much impact for me, and if that sort of claim doesn't work properly it backfires and becomes a bit lame.

That said, I liked Bobby's character. I liked how he punched Daniel (ditto Mars there). He seems a bit spoiled by his intelligence. And your story is interesting. It's got some good ideas in it, and some good characters.

Although ... the title. I have no problem with it title-wise ... it's just already used. In Doctor Who. One of the episodes had this scientist who had this Lazarus Project going. He used it to make himself young, but it doesn't work and, of course, he turns into a giant monster instead. So ... I daresay the idea is different to yours, and really I doubt it would be much of a problem. It was a single episode, not the series. But I thought you might want to know anyway.

By the way I didn't know that off the top of my head. "Lazurus Project" just rang a Doctor Who bell in my head so I googled it to check.

*is not a nerd*

*shifty eyes*

*flees*

Most of the other points have already been done to death, but I might as well try to put a new suggestion in. Names. The names seem a bit unusual.

We have Daniel, Bobby then Malerrick. Malerrick. You've got one misspelling to Merrick somehow... but I think Malerrick to Merrick is more fitting.

The issue of writing runes seems also out of place for me. Just because it is what you want doesn't mean it works in every setting. The same would be true for wizards named Ping, Wong, Clark and Joe. You would not name servants like 'Edward, Gustav, Charles'. The etymology of names should be taken into account to add depth and realism to your story.

Besides, Merrick clicked, Malerrick does not. Try to avoid complex, long or strange names whenever possible, unless the context deems such. When introducing royalty, formal title once and at every formal/public meeting, but shortened for narration, character dialogue and description.

He was a scrawny, emaciated looking boy of ten or eleven with untidy blond hair.

Why would you say ten or eleven years old? Is it because he doesn't know because this should either be explained or deleted. Other than that and a few things already covered, it was pretty good. If you do any more, I'll be sure to read it.

Oh, wow. Thanks for all the feedback, everyone!

It's all been very helpful.

I'm not completely sure about continuing this. I will need extreme convincing. I've been working on a different project (You may have seen it floating around under the title of Bane) that I am much more invested in.

Oh: The reason I say Daniel is ten or eleven is because he's not sure himself. He's a poor boy, so he doesn't know when he was born.

I forgot it was originally Merrick. I'll fix that.

Thanks again,
~~~Sakura~~~

Just pick a story you like and work on it, doesn't matter which. Try to finish one before you start on another. This story does have potential, but it will take a lot of work. Don't be discouraged when we find issues with it, some reviews may actually hinder your writing by following the corrections. A set age for the boy doesn't need to be made exactly clear, but it is up to you, the way it read to me was in narration and not this all knowing first person stance which an explanation should be provided. Everything is up to you in the end.

The other reviewers basically pointed out all the mistakes...But, this was a really good piece and I think it should be continued. I can see how Bobby is similar to Artemis Fowl. But, I can't seem to find any similarities to the Dark Materials series. Is Bobby supposed to be like Will?? Because I thought that he was more like Artemis...Hmm...Anyway, this was a really good piece! Gold star for you!

fluteluvr77<3

I thought it was really good, well.. Great actually.
Its quite interesting, If you kept writing it, it could become something more than great.
Everyone seems to have covered pretty much everything. But there is something that caught my eye, that you could change.

[quote] Bobby scowled as he took a seat at the back of the long table. All thirteen Heads drilled into him with their cool eyes. [quote]

I think if you changed 'cool' to 'cold' It would make it sound like the thirteen heads here giving bobby more of a menacing glare. Saying their eyes were 'cool' sounds like a guy with a leather jacket trying to act like some hot shot, i dont know a random thing.

Just the thought, anyway, i would love to read more of this, its really good.
Hope this helped, or.. Something