Young Writers Society

I’ve spread my wings,
I’m ready to fly,
Why must you stop me one more time,
To say goodbye?

Do not tell me again,
What I mean to you.
Do not show me,
What I have left to do.

Your life and mine,
Have taken a different path,
Nothing is working,
Nothing is left.

I know what I’ve done,
Do not show me again.
Say goodbye,
And let me fly.

First Impressions: The first thing that came to mind after reading this was "meh". It's an old idea done in an old way with a flat tone and as a reader I am begging you for more. The first stanza was the best, I think. I like the idea of trying to leave and being stopped. But you go from that really lovely metaphor to blatant accusations. You are obviously talking to a specific person with this, but you need to let us readers into the conversation as well .

Things like "Do not tell me" is a pretty good way to sum up this piece, you start with a really splendid idea of trying to take flight but being stopped. I think you should stick with that concept and adapt it. Create a picture with it, and expand the metaphor, making it the entire work.

Basic Tone Right now your tone is very flat, try to spice it up a bit. A great refrence is the Thesaurus to find some interesting new words. Speaking to a specific person in poetry works sometimes, if the message is still clear to the reader. Right now as the reader, I am not entirely sure what you are trying to get across, other than you want to fly away. Lines like "I know what I've done" are very meh to a reader. You do, but we still don't, so the line itself is fairly pointless for us.

Repetition

Do not tell me again,

Do not show me,

Do not show me again.

These lines are all saying essentially the same thing, in virtually exactly the same way. It's very boring for the reader, I know you can come up with some more creative ways to reword these. I still think they add little, and I really like the idea of taking your origional metaphor and expanding it to something more. However, if you choose to keep it as is, I highly suggest a little rewording here.

Lastly

Your life and mine,
Have taken a different path,
Nothing is working,
Nothing is left.

This stanza didn't feel like it fit with the rest of the piece. It seemed as though it was thrown in as a space taker, and had little place with the rest of the basic idea.


I'd love to see a rewrite, the basic idea is good, it just needs to be expanded and molded a touch.


Best of luck
OverEasy

Its basically the same thing over and over again, but i do feel the depth of the poem and how you can really relate to it if you think about it hard enough. I really like it overall, and you should totally keep working on writing poems because you're really good

Hello, Rosey!

OverEasy basically said it. This is an old story that we all have read before, and your way of telling it isn't very unique, either. The subject is something we can all relate to, I think, but you should make it more interesting and maybe also giving the readers something to think about. Right now, this poem isn't something one would remember a week or even a few days afterwards, and without a doubt, you'd like it to be unforgettable. The ideas of "letting go" and "spreading one's wings" are often used, and I don't think you deny that. They're pretty images, but it's just that they're such clichés.

Why must you stop me one more time,

I didn't feel this line fitted in its stanza; it's too long and breaks the rhythm. Do you necessarily need the "one more time" there? It would be interesting to see with how few words you can say the same thing, and I don't think that cutting the last three words would ruin this poem. Of course, you can also try to come up with a completely different wording, since the idea would be the same anyway.

Your life and mine,

Have taken a different path,

Nothing is working,

Nothing is left.

I didn't feel like this fitted in, either. It doesn't connect with the other stanzas; it could be out of another poem. The last two lines make an abrupt stop for the stanza, and I've never been a fan of abruptness.


I still liked the last stanza best, even though there is the vagueness of "I know what I've done". The last two lines were better, though, and I think you managed to end this rather well.

What you should do is try to think of more unique metaphors, and try to find a more interesting tone for the narrator. You didn't actually show us the emotions at all. We don't know how the narrator is feeling, except for that he/she doesn't want to hear the same things again. But why is that? I didn't really feel anything while reading this, and as a poet, you should be able to make the reader feel anything the narrator feels, too. It's not impossible, but of course, practice makes (almost) perfect. There's always room for improvement, for all of us.

So with these words, I wish you the best of luck with your writing, and just tell me when you need reviews. Thank you for the read!


Demeter
xxx

Hi Rosey!

Rosey Unicorn wrote:I’ve spread my wings,
I’m ready to fly,
Why must you stop me one more time, I think a semicolon would work better here.
To say goodbye?

Do not tell me again,
What I mean to you.
Do not show me, Off rhythm. Maybe try "Do not try to show me"?
What I have left to do.

Your life and mine,
Have taken a different path,
Nothing is working,
Nothing is left.

I know what I’ve done,
Do not show me again.
Say goodbye,
And let me fly. So in these last two stanzas, you don't keep the rhyme scheme. You have ABCB rhyme scheme in the first two stanzas, but in the last two, there's really no clear rhyme. Stay consistent!

Other than the technical stuff, good job.

Hey Rosey! June here, and I'm going to review this.

It's a beautiful piece, but I think some things drag a bit here, so, I'm going to whip out my not-so-wonderful correction pen, and cross out somethings!

I’ve spread my wings,
I’m ready to fly,
Why must you stop me [s]one more time[/s],
To say goodbye?

Without the second half of that line the reading is brisk, and clear cut, giving a fresher look to the poem. You needn't have words that drag or fill up a space unless it is absolutely necessary. In this poem, simplicity is the best way.

Do not tell me again,
What I mean to you.
Do not show me,
What I have [s]left[/s] to do.

Okay, the usage of "left" is absolutely unnecessary here. Saying "what I have to do" implies that there is something left for them to do so using "left" is basically like using a filler word-- and that makes this fall. Drop it, if you may .

Your life and mine,
Have taken a different path,
Nothing is working,
Nothing is left.

Can you replace the underlined part with "took"? It possesses the same meaning and flows more with the brisk, polished rhythm that you have working in the above stanzas.

I know what I’ve done,
Do not show me again.
Say goodbye,
And let me fly.

Is "show" the right word here? It seems a bit off, you know, perhaps you should say "tell"? From the way this poem seems it doesn't actually feel as it needs "show" at all.



Impressions:

First: From the title, I had expected this to be as it was-- a brief plead for freedom. I wasn't draw in or captivated by how it was written; it was rather predictable, but a nice read to say the least.


Overall: It was great; I loved how you were able to make it short, and brief whilst carrying a rhythm gently throughout, not making it seemed forced at all. Good job at that; not many people are able to do that as well as you have here.

This poem has a solemn air to it; it carries innocence in it, almost as if a young person is begging to be freed from something that has held her back all this time. You did a brilliant job here, Rosey. Bravo.

I give it a perfect 10/10.

Keep it up, dear, you have an amazing talent. I hope I wasn't too harsh on you.

Brilliant!

xxJune

Rosey Unicorn wrote:I’ve spread my wings,
I’m ready to fly,
Why must you stop me one more time,
To say goodbye?

Do not tell me again,
What I mean to you.
Do not show me,
What I have left to do.

Your life and mine,
Have taken a different path,
Nothing is working,
Nothing is left.

I know what I’ve done,
Do not show me again.
Say goodbye,
And let me fly.

I can relate to this poem easily, as I have felt the same way many times. I liked the poem because of it's simplicity (not saying I could have done it). The poem just expressed your feelings and that's it, I can clearly see you didn't just try fitting rhyming words in.
I'm gonna put my favourite bits in bold.

I think you should...

Rosey Unicorn wrote:I’ve spread my wings, Make this a semicolon.
I’m ready to fly, Make this a full stop.
Why must you stop me one more time,
To say goodbye? Decapitalize the T at the beginning.

Do not tell me again,
What I mean to you. Decapitalize the W at the beginning.
Do not show me,
What I have left to do. Same here.

Your life and mine,
Have taken a different path, Decapitalize the H at the beginning.
Nothing is working,
Nothing is left. Blah blah blah the N blah blah blah.

I know what I’ve done,
Do not show me again. Blah blah blah the D blah blah blah.
Say goodbye,
And let me fly. Blah blah blah the A blah blah blah.

Honestly it's good. It just needs more depth and more emotion. It's kind of cliche you know? If you add more emotion and power to the lines I think it will be better. Keep writing these poems because they are really good. Best of Luck!

Oh. My. God. You just summed up every teenager's view of their parents. Sometimes you just want them to let you GO! Awesome! And, I liked how you didn't want anymore goodbyes. Most poems about goodbyes just go on forever!!! Nice!!!

This is beautiful, i really enjoy the style of writing you use and the feelings you put into this poem.
It's a very good length, and keeps the reader interesting.
Looking forward to reading some more of your poetry and other work.

Hey there. Looks like there's not much for me to review since the review part is pretty much covered.I enjoyed reading it. I really like it. Keep writing to improve your writing if you want it to be better and practice makes prefect.

Keep writing,

Alicia.

Guys, this is really old. It was posted in January 09, with the last comment being in February 09. I'm not really looking for feedback, and it is in desperate need of editing.

*Locked*