Young Writers Society

For those of you who read that other chapter, you were put in the middle of the story. I spent about five hours on this actually, although it's only one thousand words =] I began obsessing over every sentence, and I still sort of think this is bad, because I break a lot of my own rules here. Room for lots and lots of improvement, so I can't wait for your feedback! And by the way, here's the link for that other chapter:

topic38505.html

Oh, and I changed her name to Bridget (formerly Andrea/Andy), so everybody knows. Doubt you care, and her name isn't used here, but...

~*~*~

When I woke up, everything was still back; I assumed I was dead, and I was to be burdened with an eternal darkness.

I was half right.

Whispers traveled through the shadows, loitering on my shoulders and creeping along my sleeves. Tear drops of the lips, littering words of shock and indignity as they lingered inside my ears.

The ground below felt frozen, puncturing me with hundreds of chilly needles as I struggled to sit up. My hand landed on the ground for support, only to be bit reluctantly by the ice. The air stiffened, seemingly suffocating from the incredible temperature. Cracks traveled along my lips as I inhaled, cold air swallowing my lungs.

A musty scent found its way over to my mouth, tickling me as it licked my skin and hugged my nose. Faint sirens were heard in the distance, fading slowly like a dying love. Footsteps kicked up dust from the solid ground, shuffling along cracks packed with dead thoughts and old memories. A silent click suddenly tapped me on the shoulder, creating a minuscule heat that I felt from several feet away. I heard an exhale, a breath of smoky aroma that was caught by the wind and blown in my direction.

I coughed.

An abrupt feeling seized the atmosphere, and the melancholy whispering rapidly altered to anxious murmurs. I froze, fear overtaking my body. I heard the strangers approach, their feet curiously scraping the frozen ground. I instinctively buried my face in my knees, concealing my frightened expression.

They were speaking to me; their tones were soft and full of worry, while simultaneously wondering why I possibly was where I was. Burying my head deeper, I felt one of the strangers wrap their arms around by body in a hug. My head immediately jerked up in vain, as I was still left in the dark. Questions fluttered through my mind. What are they doing? Who is this person? What’s happening? The mysterious person released me and muttered words of concern to their partner.

It took me a moment to realize I was being directed questions. I didn’t want to know what they were saying, but I accidentally caught a couple – they wanted to know where my parents were, and who the other girl and I were. I frowned in confusion, “Who?” I barely heard myself.

For a brief moment the sounds of the city rushed to my senses, releasing the smallest amount of anxiety. I blinked, all of a sudden remembering I was in a city. Why was I there? I furrowed my eyebrows in frustration – whatever kind of sleep I’d been in blurred most of my thoughts. I didn’t know the situation I was in, and I hadn’t begun to care until a couple minutes later.

The strangers remained quiet for a couple long seconds before speaking again. “Her,” one of them said quietly, his tone wavering slightly. His voice was deep and care-filled, strongly resembling one of a father. Did he not know I couldn’t see anything? Was he pointing to someone?

The reality of it raced back to me.

I couldn’t see. I was able to before.

I couldn’t see.

I can’t see anything. The thought scared me enough to have me gasp, allowing more cold air to scratch at the inside of my throat. My hands rose to my mouth, and I exhaled warm air that gently rubbed against the surface of my palm. I continued blowing apprehensively, unaware of the cracked voice of the other man above me.

As I grazed my nails against my nose to scratch, I surprised myself with how parts of my skin were puffed and irritated. My cheeks were clammy and cold, absorbing the cold winds that whipped at my face. The denim of my jeans had failed to protect my legs from the harsh winter air, and I hugged my legs tighter to my chest.

A phone snapped open. Beep, beep, beep. On the other line another phone loudly rang. The caller sniffed, and I heard the muffled sound of the fabric of his sleeve rubbing against his nose, “What’s the street?” he asked. His friend hastily told him the street name as he anxiously tapped his feet.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?" The voice on the other end sounded calm, experienced.

He took a deep breath before speaking, “I’ve discovered a body.”

And I remembered.

~*~*~

It's... so short. Agh.

Hello Sock.

Tear drops of the lips, littering words of shock and indignity as they lingered inside my ears.

I greatly dislike giving abstract adjectives to objects. How on earth can tears give shocks and indignity? It's vague. You would be better off showing how the character is shocked and feeling indignity. Show, don't tell.

The ground below felt frozen, puncturing me with hundreds of chilly needles as I struggled to sit up. My hand landed on the ground for support, only to be bit reluctantly by the ice.

The flow of this bit here is off because the order of events is mixed up. You fall first before you support yourself back up, not the other way.

Overall impressions:

You have quite a lot of descriptions in the piece (to the point of overkill). The problem with that is that you greatly neglect to establish the reasons as to why the audience should care about what's happening.

1)Abstract/ vague descriptions

Here are some examples:

Tear drops of the lips, littering words of shock and indignity as they lingered inside my ears.

Footsteps kicked up dust from the solid ground, shuffling along cracks packed with dead thoughts and old memories.

For a brief moment the sounds of the city rushed to my senses, releasing the smallest amount of anxiety.

I notice that you have a tendency to give an object or situation a certain adjective or idea. Two issues arise from this:

1) It gets rather vague (how on earth can tears litter words of shock and indignity?)
2) It makes the piece passive due to its vagueness, making it more difficult for the piece to actually hook in the reader's attention.

This can be remedied by applying the "show don't tell" rule further. For example, how is the character shocked and undignified? Give specific details and examples to back up what you are saying, don't cramp the idea into another piece of description. Make your ideas active, not passive and to make them coherent with your audience.

2)This piece is just plain description of what a person would observe in an accident situation

I really have no idea as to what I'm supposed to get out of this piece. It read like a glorified play by play of what one would observe in an accident situation. There's very little for the audience to search for since you haven't considered the "what? why? when? where? how?" Who is the main character? What are his feelings and thoughts? What happened to him? How did he got into such a situation? It lacks these specific details to really make your piece convincing. With an accident situation, there are other factors involved, not just an actual play by play of what happened. Your piece ignores these other factors and as a result, not only was your piece not as convincing as I would had hoped, but it lacks depth on the whole. I think starting it with the narrator being in an accident is a poor move since his/her perspective will be limited.

Hope this critique has helped. Good luck.

Andy.

Ook, just wanted to ask you: are you posting chapter for chapter, or is this in random order? Because I don't see the connection with the previous one.

My hand landed on the ground for support, only to be bit reluctantly by the ice.

To be bitten by the ice. And why would the ice be reluctant?

Cracks traveled along my lips as I inhaled, cold air swallowing my lungs.

The cold air swallowing her lungs? Shouldn't it be vice versa?

An abrupt feeling seized the atmosphere,

How can a feeling be abrupt?

They were speaking to me; their tones were soft and full of worry, while simultaneously wondering why I possibly was where I was.

Scratch the 'possibly'.

I frowned in confusion,

I think the comma should be a fullstop.

I like this piece, but like you said, it's too short. Throughout the whole chapter, not many things of importance happen. She wakes up blind, and two guys try to help her. Then she remembers what happened. Neat cliffie. Can't wait for the next chapter.

Hi there, Sock! Here as requested!

Hopefully it doesn't matter that I haven't read the previous one?

When I woke up, everything was still back back – or black?; I assumed I was dead, and I was to be burdened with an eternal darkness. "An" eternal darkness? Surely you don't mean "the" eternal darkness?


I was half right. I don't know why, but to m,e this is too – I don't know, abrupt and awkward. What could you do with it?


Whispers traveled through the shadows, loitering on my shoulders and creeping along my sleeves. Although this is abstract, and Andy said, I still like it. Tear drops of the lips Of the lips? Are they like sweat drops?, littering words of shock and indignity as they lingered inside my ears.


The ground below felt frozen, puncturing me with hundreds of chilly needles as I struggled to sit up. My hand landed on the ground for support, only to be bitten reluctantly by the ice. The air stiffened, seemingly suffocating from the incredible temperature. I don't know whether "suffocating" is the best word for this, but twistedly enough, I know exactly what you mean by it. Cracks traveled along my lips as I inhaled, cold air swallowing my lungs. This seems funny – I'd rather say that lungs swallow the air, not vice versa.


A musty scent found its way over to my mouth, tickling me as it licked my skin and hugged my nose. Okay. I can stand the scent licking the skin, but hugging the nose seems a little farfetched. You're using so much these abstract expressions, they're kind of losing their power. Faint sirens were heard by whom? in the distance, fading slowly like a dying love. The metaphor doesn't fit here. Footsteps kicked up dust from the solid ground, shuffling along cracks packed with dead thoughts and old memories. A silent click suddenly tapped me on the shoulder, creating a minuscule heat that I felt from several feet away. I don't think heat can be minuscule – after all, it's not tangible. Besides, if "a click" taps you on shoulder, how it's possible to feel it from several feet away? Your shoulder isn't several feet away. I heard an exhale, a breath of smoky aroma that was caught by the wind and blown in my direction.


I coughed.


An abrupt feeling seized the atmosphere, and the melancholy whispering rapidly altered to anxious murmurs. I froze, fear overtaking my body. I heard the strangers approach, their feet curiously scraping the frozen ground. I instinctively buried my face in my knees, concealing my frightened expression.


They were speaking to me; their tones were soft and full of worry, while simultaneously wondering why I possibly was where I was. Awkwardly phrased. Burying my head deeper, I felt one of the strangers wrap their arms around [s]by[/s] my body in a hug. My head immediately jerked up in vain, as I was still left in the dark. Questions fluttered through my mind. What are they doing? Who is this person? There was more than one person, wasn't there? What’s happening? The mysterious person repetition of "person", doesn't sound good. Try "someone" or something similar released me and muttered words of concern to their partner.

For the first time in this story, I can tell what's this about. You've just used the whole story to create a strange atmosphere with those funny expressions of yours, and forgotten all about the plot. I'm glad to see something real happening now!


It took me a moment to realize I was being directed questions. Awkwardly phrased, again. I didn’t want to know what they were saying why?, but I accidentally caught a couple – they wanted to know where my parents were, and who the other girl and I were. There was someone else? I frowned in confusion,period instead of a comma “Who?” I barely heard myself. It would be best to start another line for the dialogue.


For a brief moment the sounds of the city rushed to my senses, releasing the smallest amount of anxiety. I blinked, all of a sudden remembering I was in a city. Why was I there? I furrowed my eyebrows in frustration – whatever kind of sleep I’d been in blurred most of my thoughts. I didn’t know the situation I was in, and I hadn’t begun to care until a couple minutes later. Later? Not ago?


The strangers remained quiet for a couple long seconds before speaking again. Start a new line now. “Her,” one of them said quietly, his tone wavering slightly. His voice was deep and care-filled, strongly resembling one of a father. Whose father? "A" father is too vague. Did he not know I couldn’t see anything? Ah. That explains much. Was he pointing to someone?


The reality of it raced back to me.


I couldn’t see. I was able to before.


I couldn’t see.


I can’t see anything. The thought scared me enough to have me gasp, allowing more cold air to scratch at the inside of my throat. My hands rose to my mouth, and I exhaled warm air that gently rubbed against the surface of my palm. I continued blowing apprehensively, unaware of the cracked voice of the other man above me.


As I grazed my nails against my nose to scratch, I surprised myself with how parts of my skin were puffed and irritated. My cheeks were clammy and cold, absorbing the cold winds that whipped at my face. The denim of my jeans had failed to protect my legs from the harsh winter air, and I hugged my legs tighter to my chest.


A phone snapped open. Aha! How can she know it's a phone? Beep, beep, beep. On the other line another phone loudly rang. The caller sniffed, and I heard the muffled sound of the fabric of his sleeve rubbing against his nose, “What’s the street?” he asked. His friend hastily told him the street name as he anxiously tapped his feet.


“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?" The voice on the other end sounded calm, experienced.


He took a deep breath before speaking, “I’ve discovered a body.”


And I remembered. Good ending.

Overall:

Even though the description overload got somewhat explained (how the narrator can't see and so on), I still think you're using it too much. The reader gets bored, and that's not what you want, is it? The plot and the story itself gets covered with all the fancy description, and at least I'd rather read something thar gets forward instead of just "clicks tapping the shoulders" and "mushy scents" and whatnot. Don't get me wrong, though – those abstract metaphors are unique and nice to read to a point, but if you're using them too much, they become blah.
I liked the ending, when it started to happen something. I'd just hope to have read it earlier. The blindness was a nice touch, and I have to admit it was good you didn't tell about it until a while.
I can't make up my mind about this story. The fact I haven't read the previous part might have some influence to my confusion right now.

Well, I hope this was at least of little help. Thanks for the read, and good luck!


Demeter xxx

Hey there, Sara! [name stealer!:P] Squall, Demeter and Lily have managed to point out all the nitpicks I wanted to say, so I'm sorry about that. I do think a good critique should have both nitpicks and overall comments and advice, but I'm afraid this may be lacking in the line-by-line. At least I will not be needlessly repeatiing.

I. Mix your Concrete

Whilst I liked the flowery abstractions, cute descriptions and nebulous metaphors, after a while, it got too much. I wanted to get to the meat of this piece, to the character's story, but you've fenced yourself in so it's nothing more than a very vague recount. I understand you have a great story here, as I saw from some of the later parts, but try to mix the concrete. An abstract word describes something that is not tangible or touchable. Affection is an emotion. Justice is a concept. Neither of these things are tangible.

Concrete words are action words that you can “see.” You can see a kiss. You can watch someone in court.Because the notions of affection and justice can vary so much from person to person, it’s often very helpful to mix concrete action words in amongst your abstract terms.

So if you’re writing about one character’s affection for another, mix a kiss in there. Describe it in concrete terms and SHOW your reader their affection. Whether the kiss is a peck or one of those long drawn out Hollywood suck-fests (how’s that for a concrete description?) your description will tell you reader in no uncertain terms the true definition of “affection.”

Suppose a father stalked his child’s killer in search of “justice.” Instead of telling me he’d achieved “justice,” show me how he raises his gun, takes aim, and shoots the killer in the kneecap effectively crippling him for life. Now that may be a different notion of justice than you had in mind, but the vivid description puts us all on the same page regarding the character’s intent – and notion of justice.


II. Colour Me Beautiful

Use color to paint a mental picture. We are a visual species. No matter what your dominant learning style is, you’ll remember new information better when it’s accompanied by a strong visual. I noticed there was barely any colour in your descriptions.While actual images can be a valuable addition, one of the strongest ways to create visual impact in your copy is to use a color word. This almost forces your reader to paint a mental picture, which anchors your idea in his consciousness.

Remember the “red hills of Georgia” from Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech? Then there was Homer’s wine-dark sea. Or to go from the sublime to the ridiculous, how about Monica Lewinsky’s infamous blue dress?

Associating an idea with a color is a great way to anchor a particular thought or fact in your reader’s memory. When you’re looking for concrete details for your copy, try to incorporate a color. The impression you make will be more vivid and more enduring.


III. It's Irrelephant

Ever started reading a book that began with a detailed description of a sunset, or the ocean, or a pristine forest? How long did it take you to start skimming until something interesting happened?

Microbiology textbooks are full of details, but most people don’t find them interesting. Details have to answer an interesting question for the reader. Details about most products are boring. Details about people and how they’re solving their problems are much more interesting. At the start of this piece, you had a few memories of the reader, a metaphor related to dying love [which incidentally shows that abstractions can be good, when mixed with concrete] and details like foosteps, etc.

You should select only the details that will support their focus, deleting irrelevant information. In narrative writing, details should be included only if they are concrete, specific details that contribute to, rather than detract from, the picture provided by the narrative. Information should be included only if it is relevant to your story's goal and strengthens rather than weakens yourability to meet that goal.


IV. Entering the 3-D World

To be honest, I really didn't see a lot of your character's personality come out in this piece. There were no anecdotes, and no way of knowing her from her thought chains. People are multi dimensional, and so should a character in a story be... but that's hard to do when the writer only has a small 'section' of a character's life with which to work. You need to know your character inside-out - because we begin to draw conclusions about how people will act and why they act the way they do based on the information we have about them.

With real people in our lives, we do this all the time, whether we are aware of it or not. When we interact with someone, we often have a picture in our mind about how that person is going to relate back to us. We know, from past experience and knowledge about that person, exactly what to expect when we do interact. With a character in a novel you are writing, though, you don't have that past experience and knowledge. Since characters aren't real people, meaning they can't gain life experiences that authors don't give to them, it becomes your job, as the author, to give the character those life experiences.


V.

Anyway, I hope these suggestions help. Your piece definately isn't as bad as the amount of criticism would suggest, I am just trying to look at your story objectively from all sides. With some work, improvement, and a bit of a revamp, this could be really great.
Good Luck!

-Sarah

As requested.

General Comments

Whispers traveled through the shadows, loitering on my shoulders and creeping along my sleeves. Tear drops of the lips, littering words of shock and indignity as they lingered inside my ears.

These two sentences are too abstract and vague and confusing to have any real meaning. The sentences themselves are also poorly-structured: the commas just don't seem to be in the right place. I think this part desperately needs an urgent re-write. So the character has just woken up. And she hears whispers travelling through shadows, which then loiter (??) on her shoulders and creep along her sleeves? It's purple prose. Try and keep your descriptions simpler, so your readers can keep track of what's going on. Same for the second sentence. This one isn't actually correct. You've spliced the sentence with a comma and left out articles that clarify what you're saying. It would be better as "Tear drops of the lips lingered inside my ears and littered words of shock and indignity." But that makes just as little sense. Tears of the lips inside ears, littering words?

Oh, and travelled has a double L.

Commas, Sentence Structures

The ground below felt frozen, puncturing me with hundreds of chilly needles as I struggled to sit up. My hand landed on the ground for support, only to be bit reluctantly by the ice. The air stiffened, seemingly suffocating from the incredible temperature. Cracks traveled along my lips as I inhaled, cold air swallowing my lungs.

A musty scent found its way over to my mouth, tickling me as it licked my skin and hugged my nose. Faint sirens were heard in the distance, fading slowly like a dying love. Footsteps kicked up dust from the solid ground, shuffling along cracks packed with dead thoughts and old memories. A silent click suddenly tapped me on the shoulder, creating a minuscule heat that I felt from several feet away. I heard an exhale, a breath of smoky aroma that was caught by the wind and blown in my direction.

Why am I highlighting this section? Because there's a clear and unmistakeable pattern here. In almost every sentence, you are either incorrectly using commas, or using commas when a restructuring of the sentence would simply make it better and easier to read. You are simply using far too many commas.

Examples and suggestions:

1. "Faint sirens were heard in the distance, fading slowly like a dying love."

'Were' is too passive for first-person. Suggestion: "I could hear the faint trace of sirens in the distance but they faded slowly like dying love." No comma necessary. I personally don't like the simile of dying love, but it's your choice.

2. "I heard an exhale, a breath of smoky aroma that was caught by the wind and blown in my direction."

Suggestions: You actually miss a comma here. It should be: "I heard an exhale, a breath of smoky aroma, caught by the wind and blown in my direction."

I'm going to recommend an article on comma usage because I think it's a part of punctuation you need to read up on.

Here's one article that could be of use to you. There are many others on the internet and in grammar books and perhaps even on this site. If you're able to edit your story to sort out the commas, I think it could read better.

Crazy Imagery

Sometimes you go a little mad on the description.

shuffling along cracks packed with dead thoughts and old memories

for example. Doesn't make a lot of sense, and isn't really needed. Try and avoid this kind of description. CastlesInTheSky's advice above is sound and I would follow it. You could really improve your descriptive skills with more use of the concrete.

What I Liked!

The story improved as it went on. I think most of your dodgy comma usage, strange metaphors and confusing sentences were focused on the first few paragraphs. After that, you seem to settle into a better voice and narrative: it's simpler and I can understand what's going on. So definitely focus on improving your introduction.

I won't comment particularly on the content, because Squall picked up on a few things I might have said.

Good luck!

Hiya ^^ I’m Sam. I’m a little new at this, but I’ll try my best to be of as much help as possible. I don’t like being harsh so if I am please let me know. ^^
Now onto my review!

When I woke up, everything was still back I think you meant black rather than back. Simple typo, not the worst mistake you could make; I assumed I was dead, and I was to be burdened with an eternal darkness.
I was half right.
I don’t really like how stray this part is. I think it really belongs, there are a lot of better ways you could of put that.Whispers traveled through the shadows, loitering on my shoulders and creeping along my sleeves.
I like this description, it’s pretty. BUT how can whispers do that? Tear drops of the lips, littering words of shock and indignity as they lingered inside my ears. I like this bit very much. The imagery is amazing.The ground below felt frozen, puncturing me with hundreds of chilly needles as I struggled to sit up. My hand landed on the ground for support, only to be bit reluctantly by the ice. The air stiffened, seemingly suffocating from the incredible temperature. Cracks traveled along my lips as I inhaled, cold air swallowing my lungs.
I’m not sure the air should be doing that to your lungs, maybe you should switch the roles.A musty scent found its way over to my mouth, tickling me as it licked my skin and hugged my nose.
Okay, how does a scent have anything to do with your mouth? I think you need to change the description so that it fits as a taste rather a scent. Faint sirens were heard in the distance, fading slowly like a dying love. Footsteps kicked up dust from the solid ground, shuffling along cracks packed with dead thoughts and old memories. A silent click suddenly tapped me on the shoulder, creating a minuscule heat that I felt from several feet away. I heard an exhale, a breath of smoky aroma that was caught by the wind and blown in my direction.
Aroma is like a scent…So I dunno is your main character ‘smelling’ their breath?
I coughed.
An abrupt feeling seized the atmosphere, and the melancholy whispering rapidly altered to anxious murmurs. I froze, fear overtaking my body. I heard the strangers approach, their feet curiously scraping the frozen ground. I instinctively buried my face in my knees, concealing my frightened expression.
They were speaking to me; their tones were soft and full of worry, while simultaneously wondering why I possibly was where I was. Burying my head deeper, I felt one of the strangers wrap their arms around by body in a hug. My head immediately jerked up in vain, as I was still left in the dark.
As cool as that sounds,, you suggest that you were previously accompanied by someone else, when just a few words you admitted you were alone. It’s a little confusing right there.Questions fluttered through my mind. What are they doing? Who is this person? What’s happening? The mysterious person released me and muttered words of concern to their partner.
Again, is the character alone or is someone with her? It’s not very clear. It took me a moment to realize I was being directed questions. I didn’t want to know what they were saying, but I accidentally caught a couple – they wanted to know where my parents were, and who the other girl and I were. I frowned in confusion, “Who?” I barely heard myself.
Huh? Is there something that happened before that we need to know about? For a brief moment the sounds of the city rushed to my senses, releasing the smallest amount of anxiety. I blinked, all of a sudden remembering I was in a city. Why was I there? I furrowed my eyebrows in frustration – whatever kind of sleep I’d been in blurred most of my thoughts. I didn’t know the situation I was in, and I hadn’t begun to care until a couple minutes later.
The strangers remained quiet for a couple long seconds before speaking again. “Her,” one of them said quietly, his tone wavering slightly. His voice was deep and care-filled, strongly resembling one of a father. Did he not know I couldn’t see anything? Was he pointing to someone?
Alright, I don’t think care-filled is the best choice of words, I’d go with a better descriptive word. As for the bolded sentence…I just don’t like it it. It feels awkward, I think mainly because of your use of the word ’not’. It just stands out too much and hurts the flow. The reality of it raced back to me.
I couldn’t see. I was able to before.
I couldn’t see.
Okay these shouldn’t be separated. It should be one paragraph not isolated sentences. I can’t see anything. The thought scared me enough to have me gasp, allowing more cold air to scratch at the inside of my throat. My hands rose to my mouth, and I exhaled warm air that gently rubbed against the surface of my palm. I continued blowing apprehensively, unaware of the cracked voice of the other man above me.
As I grazed my nails against my nose to scratch, I surprised myself with how parts of my skin were puffed and irritated. My cheeks were clammy and cold, absorbing the cold winds that whipped at my face. The denim of my jeans had failed to protect my legs from the harsh winter air, and I hugged my legs tighter to my chest.
A phone snapped open. Beep, beep, beep. On the other line another phone loudly rang. The caller sniffed, and I heard the muffled sound of the fabric of his sleeve rubbing against his nose, “What’s the street?” he asked. His friend hastily told him the street name as he anxiously tapped his feet.
Hey, how do you know they’re friends?
“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?" The voice on the other end sounded calm, experienced.
He took a deep breath before speaking, “I’ve discovered a body.”
And I remembered.
The entire phone call scene is a bit confusing. I suggest separating your dialog from your bodies.

Alright, over all. I like it but I’m in the dark. It’s a little misleading in a few places and you tend to get a little carried away with some of your descriptions. It’s nice but too much of a good thing can overwhelm a person. I hope I wasn’t too harsh. I like were this is going and it seems very interesting but at the moment it’s just a little confusing.
^^ Hope to read more soon.

When I woke up, everything was still back

I think you meant “everything was still black


The very first thing I noticed was that the majority of you sentences start the same way, and most also have a similar structure. They all start with the basic noun-verb. If you just take the first few words of the sentences in your first couple paragraphs (after the first sentence), this is what you have:
I was
Whispers traveled
The ground below felt
My hand landed
The air stiffened
Cracks traveled
A musty scent found
Faint sirens were heard
Etc.

See what I mean?


Now, a great deal of what I noticed, especially with regards to your descriptions, was commented on by the reviewers above, especially Andy and Jack, so I’ll just add a few other little things I don’t think anyone said yet. (Also note Jack’s mention of your problem with the placing of commas)

I’ve been noticing a lot lately that people can’t seem to punctuate their dialogue correctly. In three instances of dialogue out of the five, you use incorrect punctuation.

I frowned in confusion, “Who?”

There should be a period where you have a comma.

He took a deep breath before speaking, “I’ve discovered a body.”

And here again, there should be a period where you have a comma.

The caller sniffed, and I heard the muffled sound of the fabric of his sleeve rubbing against his nose, “What’s the street?”

And again, that should be a period before the first quotation marks, not a comma.

It took me a moment to realize I was being directed questions.

This felt a little awkward. Maybe, “It took me a moment to realize questions were being directed at me.”

I didn’t want to know what they were saying, but I accidentally caught a couple – they wanted to know where my parents were, and who the other girl and I were.

This seemed a little odd to me. Why wouldn’t she want to know what they were saying? I would want to know absolutely everything they were saying in such a bewildering situation where I had no idea what had happened or what was going on now.
Also, ‘accidentally’ doesn’t sound like the right word. I don’t know that it would be so much of an accident as something she just couldn’t help, and I think it would sound better if it were phrased that way.

Good luck with this, and I’d love to read more when you post it.

First off I just want to apologise for the amount of time this has taken me to get to! But I am here now and I have read it so here's the critique you asked for!

The Length
I don't think that yu have to worry about the length of this, it works as it is and sometimes when trying to make something longer we tend to just info dump or put pointless thing's in. So no, don't worry about it, it works well and is fine this way

The main character
I felt an immediate attachment to this character, you do portray what is happening to her very well, her panick at not being able to see is really well written, and I care about what has happened to her and what will happen to her. I assume that there is more to this? Or are you just leaving it on that cliff hanger?? (Don't you DARE leave it on that cliffhanger it's not fairrr! )

I won't say anything else as I see you have some more longer critiques already. But keep at this, I liked it a lot and it's a really good beginning! Well done!

Meevs
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