Young Writers Society

the long short story(removed)

Well, hello there and welcome to YWS! I'm GryphonFledgling and I'll be your reviewer today!

A couple things right off the bat:

1) You're 13? *oogles* Your writing is so much better than mine at 13... *is jealous*

2) Omigoodness, but this is long. A good idea would be to have each chapter be its own post. It just makes for an easier reading experience on a computer. My suggested breakdown for this would be to have the prologue and Chapter 1 be one post, then Chapter 2 its own post, Chapter 3 its own post and so on and so forth. It just makes the reading a little more manageable, considering you can't put a bookmark on your exact place on a screen like you can print.

And on to the critique!

Your writing is good here. I didn't notice any glaring grammar issues or spelling problems. (perhaps another will come behind me and find them) The only capitalization thing I noticed was that father, mother, papa, mama, etc., when being used as proper names (ex. 'It made me feel as though I too were on an adventure like mommy and daddy.'), need to be capitalized. You do it a few times and power to ya, but overall, you don't.

Another reason you would probably want to separate the chapters in this post is, since they are all in the same post and are all telling the backstories of the characters (all involving abusive caretakers in some way), the characters all sort of run together. We don't get enough time to get to know them as a person and watch them live their life before we are told another person's story that is almost the same thing. My advice to you would be to start out the story in one person's POV, have them tell their story until they meet the next person and then let that person tell their story.

For example:

Ch. 1 ~ Bob
Call me Bob. I grew up in a tough neighborhood; one where the kids on the street would mug you as soon as look at you. I learned to hold my own in a fight there. I learned not to trust anyone. At least, not until I met her. See the backstory? This would be what your chapters are here in this post - exposition leading up to the actual action.

I was just walking down the street, wary of pickpockets, when I heard someone crying. I normally ignore stuff like that, but this sounded like a little girl. I poked my head into the alley where it seemed to be coming from and there I saw her. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and she had her arms wrapped around them. She had long blond hair and she pushed it aside when I called her. This is where he is meeting the second POV character. See how I told some of the action from his point of view before I changed point of view?

Ch. 2 ~ Alice
My parents were the best people that ever lived. They cared for me and my little sister and loved us with all their hearts. But they were bad judges of character. The bodyguard that they hired turned out to be a serial killer. I was the only one of my family who survived and I ran away.

It was hard to live on the streets. I didn't have any food and I drank water from puddles until I learned how to go through the dumpsters like the others did. But they didn't like me intruding on their territory and so they beat me. I almost died. Melodrama aside, this is again backstory. It's telling what the character went through before the story actually started.

I was ready to give up. I decided to just sit in one spot until I died. It was too much effort to go on. So I sat and cried and waited to die. But I had only been there for an hour or so before the boy came. Ding ding ding! The characters have met! Backstory is over! Now action continues! (Not to say that you can't have more backstory pop up occasionally, but for now, it is mainly over.)

He called to me and I jumped, pushing aside my hair to look up at him. He was short, but taller than me when I was sitting down, and the sun was behind him, so all I could see was a black outline of his shape. He asked me if I was okay. I shook my head. He squatted down beside me and then I could see the blue of his eyes and the way his mouth seemed etched in a permanent frown.

"C'mon," he said, holding out his hand to me. "Let's get you something to eat at Old Bill's." Bob's quite hospitable, isn't he. Rather out of character for him, but I'm just trying to move the story along.

And thus the story moves on. Perhaps I'd introduce Old Bill's point of view in the next chapter, but instead of having his backstory, I'd let him remain mysterious and just talk about how he sees the kids. Then they all get trapped in some situation together and it can turn out that Old Bill was a secret agent or a wanted criminal or just the little old man he seems to be.

So, my recommendation would be to pick a starting POV character, have them tell their backstory and then have them proceed with the story until they meet the next POV character, or at least let them have their own story. Perhaps they're not supposed to meet for a while (though I assume they are soon, considering the prologue had them all together) and you want their stories to continue on separate tracks for a while. By all means do so. Just let one character hold the POV for a while until we see their story continue before you switch on us.

Whew, that was long. Did that make any sense? I hope so.

There were probably a bunch of specific things that I missed (helping you with grammar or sentence structure, character development and voice or whatever - YWS is great for learning that stuff) but story post is so long that it is impossible to get it all in (look at how long this review is already and I was mainly talking about one thing). So I would definitely recommend breaking this up into different posts. It's actually good for you too, considering then you'd be able to get better critiques from your readers as they could pay more attention to detail.

If you do break them up, by all means let me know! I'd love to come back and review each chapter a bit more thoroughly and give them the treatment they deserve. As is, I hardly talked about specific chapters at all.

Hope I helped. This has a lot of potential and I want to see where it goes!

Keep on truckin' and welcome once more to YWS!

~GryphonFledgling

Hey there, Shina! (did I spell that right?)

Well, I'm here as I promised. I've only did the prologue and the first chapter cuz I have to get off in a few but I think you write fairly well and there were but a few things I think you could work on.

~Prologue~

The bright light of the day began to fade away and time became quick. It seemed as though we had been running for days, and our feet were soon to giving in to the aching pain. We were sore, wet, cold, and tired. The frigid raindrops that hit our bare heads seemed to come faster and faster, and began to hit down harder and harder. I'm not sure if it was because of the sudden rush we were all clearly feeling, or if it was all an illusion of the mind. I wasn't sure what was real and what was fake. The line between reality and fantasy blurred during that stimulating and heart-pounding moment. All I knew was that I had to keep running. I couldn't give up. They were all looking up to me. I was the one they were depending on this time. Not King, not Valentina, but me. The one time they turn to me, I will prove that I am not weak. I am strong. So I will move forward for them. Their love, their hope, their faith; it's what is keeping me going. All of our destinies are in my unsure, but capable hands. I will prove to all of them; I am strong. I am brave. I won't give up, no matter how scared I am inside...

This underlined area really seemed repetitive. I'd take some of these lines out. Also, I think this should be a Preface, it's a little two short to be a prologue. You have me hooked, and your grammar is good as far as I can tell. On to the first chapter!

Chapter One: The beginning

King~

It all started one morning. My sister and I were playing out by the lake behind our large, and ravishing mansion. I remember pushing Akina on the wooden swing father made for us. I remember that was the last time I ever saw Akina smile like that. I wish I could freeze time and live in that joyous moment forever. A time when we were innocent children that were not aware of all the danger and evil in the world. Not aware of anything except the single and rare moments we'd share with our beloved family.

But lets go back a little before that shall we...

Akina, my younger fraternal twin sister, and I were born the children of regal diplomats. You do not choose who you are, or where you come from. It simply happens as a miracle of God. A moment of purity, a moment, a moment of truth. When nothing but goodness fills the air. For a single moment in time, everything is perfect. Although we were born in such high class, we felt as though we were abandoned. We loved our father and mother very much. They gave us everything we ever wanted, everything we ever needed. Our special family was all we ever needed in life, until our grandmother died. After grandmother died, our father and mother had to work even harder to maintain our status. And that ended the close bond we shared. The bond we carefully nurtured as a family.
I don't like these few sentences.

They seem a bit choppy and mess up the flow this paragraph has. Try: Family was what we valued most in our life, and when grandmother died, our parents had to work harder to maintain our status. (Try to explain briefly why the death of the grandmother altered their status) The struggles that we had to endure, ended the close bond that our family carefully nurtured.

We rarely ever saw mother or father after that. Father grew lines on his face and began to grey, while mother became consumed with her looks. The image of a happy family simply faded away. (I'd like to see a little bit more colorful words and descriptions here. I want to be able to picture the father because everyone has lines on there face and anybody can grey. How is the stress altering his face, experiment with words. And how is the mother becoming consumed by her looks?)
Akina and I were left alone in the world with only each other to watch out for one another.

grey should be spelled: gray

I remember we'd always be left alone at the mansion. We'd only be watched by the old Mr. Redwin, and by the maids that were too consumed with their job to notice us. We'd try to do the things we used to do with our parents, but it was not the same knowing other essential pieces were missing. So we played our hearts out and spoke our sadness through music. We soon became the child protégées, The Twin Violinists.

For once, mother and father actually invited us to their strange functions they'd always attend. But it was not for the joy of having their children by their sides, but simply to impress others. They'd command us to play, and to practice night and day to perfect our work. They ordered us to play even when our little arms were weak and our hearts let out. I remember that it got out of hand one day. Our instructor had smacked Akina right across the face for messing up in the performance for the King and Queen. I remember her tears that ran down her red face and the smirk on the instructors face. That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. I went out onstage and slammed the violin on the floor and threw it onto the table by the stage. I gave my final performance and ran back home with my sister.

I stayed in a closet for 3 (use the word three) days, trying to erase the memory of my sister’s face after she'd been beaten. Mother and Father were yelling at me through the crack of the door, telling me that I blew it for them. I didn't care. I didn't care about anything anymore except for Akina and myself. They eventually left for a meeting in China. I then escaped the closet and went to check on Akina. She was changed since that moment. She never smiled, never laughed, and never talked to anyone.

The next morning, Akina and I were sitting by the river. Mr. Redwin came running down the gravel path. The news he'd told us was the most unexpected thing. Our parents' ship to China had sunk. We were now orphans.

This is unbelievably short for a chapter, but I'm not saying there's something wrong with that. As I said, you write well and I would like to see your talent being taken advantage of. Give us more action instead of telling us what your MC's been through. And I see this story is from several perspectives. I recently wrote a story in several perspectives and a really good critiquer told me that I should flesh out one character before I spring another on 'em. Those weren't his exact words but his advice plays true here. Right now I can't see King, I just know what he's been through and that's about it.

All in all, this is a good start but I think this can be better.

Ta for now,

~Angel

Hola Angels.

The bright light of the day began to fade away and time became quick.

I don't get as to how time can become quick when the bright light of day fades away. It's rather vague.

It seemed as though we had been running for days, and our feet were soon to giving in to the aching pain. We were sore, wet, cold, and tired.

You've kind of repeated yourself here. If they've been running for days, then it is not obvious that they would be sore and tired?

Their love, their hope, their faith; it's what is keeping me going. All of our destinies are in my unsure, but capable hands.

But why would they bestow her with such a task? Why do they trust her so much? Elaborate.

I wish I could freeze time and live in that joyous moment forever. A time when we were innocent children that were not aware of all the danger and evil in the world. Not aware of anything except the single and rare moments we'd share with our beloved family.

Why would the narrator want to re-live the past though? This bit here would work better if you had established as to what this evil is and how their lives are made miserable because of it. Show it, don't tell it.

For a single moment in time, everything is perfect.

What exactly is perfection?

Summary:

This was quite bland to read. I only had a look at the prologue and chapter one, but it didn't exactly capture my interest. You have some good ideas, but you tend to "tell" rather than "show".

1)Show, don't tell

From what I've read, you state your ideas/messages too directly. It's way too obvious about its meaning, leaving the reader with nothing to search for. You need to provide more specific examples to allow the reader to "work" out what's happening to get a full understanding of what's happening. For example: What exactly did the narrator's parents do that demonstrates love? Don't just directly tell us that, show us it. Describe it. Give specific examples + details.

2)Don't give the entire life story of your narrator

Do we as the audience need to know every single detail about the narrator? What purpose does it serve? It doesn't seem to build up to any theme or idea. It's just a mangled attempt to make us feel for the narrator, but in fact, it actually repulses us since there's no actual purpose to it and that the entire piece pretty much tells about the narrator's life. Keep it varied. Have some action/dialogue to break up this monotonous narrative. Use the five senses to help establish mood. And lastly, have some actual conflict in chapter 1 or else you wouldn't really have a story.

3)What's the purpose of having angel mythology in this piece?

I don't exactly get as why you are using angels in this piece. What purpose/theme are you trying to portray here? You need to work in more angel mythology into the piece as I didn't really get the feeling that they were angels, they seem much more like regular humans to me.

And is Heaven perfect? What about God himself? If so, show to us as to how that's so. Elaborate.

So yeah, I hope this critique has helped. PM me if you need more specific help.

Take care.

Alleria.

As requested!

Prologue

I think this is too short and limited at the moment to work as you might want it to. One of its main problems is that its very hard to know who the character is -- other characters are mentioned but themselves specifically -- and also it is so short I wonder if you'd be able to move this into one of the main narratives instead.

Multiple POVs

I agree with Gryphon here. It doesn't help your story that you use multiple POVs and short chapters. I think it's a better idea to begin with one, and continue their own personal story until introducing a swathe of other characters. Otherwise it is instantly hard to keep track of the story, and it's difficult to get to know any of the characters themselves.

Third-Person?

You're also using first-person for all of them. So I'm reading a collection of first-person narratives, and I'm getting quite confused. Have you considered using third-person instead? Third-person is much more suited when you have a large number of characters whose POV you want to represent. I think it would really improve your story to switch.

Back-Story

There's a lot of dumping old background information about the characters in these first few chapters. It can make it boring. I want to know what's happening to these characters NOW. I can learn about what happened to them in the past and how they feel about it later. The first few chapters need to HOOK the reader. Try and include more action and dialogue and things happening at the start, and introduce the background of your characters later on.

Casual, Informal Tone

A lot of your lines look too informal and casual to be in a serious story.

Some examples:

But lets go back a little before that shall we...

Hmm. Let's see. I can picture that day; that time.

Using "Hmm" definitely does not work, even as the voice of a narrator. Remove! The first example isn't needed at all. Try and avoid a casual tone while writing, I know your characters are all narrating in first-person but it just turned me off from your writing when this happened.

Things I liked

For your age, this is good writing. (I'm not trying to patronise you.) Mostly you have a good command of grammar (although I'd recommend reading over your piece because there are mistakes in some places) and I haven't got too many complaints about the actual standard of writing. I think you can improve in your decisions on what to write though: which tense to use, how to organise your POVs, how to introduce your characters, how to introduce your story, and things like that.

Good luck with future writing and editing!

Here as promised!

Nit picks:

~Prologue~

I quoted the prologue title to ask if you really need one. We don't know anything about these characters, we don't know who they are or who's narating. Ask yourself if it'll work. This is an artical somebody gave me about prologues, and I find it helpful.

A second note on this prologue, it feels like an exerp. That's another reason I don't think this is needed.

But lets go back a little before that shall we...

Something about this line I don't like. I believe it's the "shall we" at the end. Showing flashbacks like this is fine, but be very careful with your word choice.

Hmm. Let's see. I can picture that day; that time

Delete the "Hmm. Let's see." at the beginning.

Evil things happen in the world for no reason, except for the reason of simply being.

Evil is not a good word to use; it's flat. And, this line in general doesn't feel like it has much of a point other then to say this.

A sudden rush of my blood, a sudden urge to commit violence.

"Sudden" twice in one sentence. And again, this feels rather flat.

Then after that, I only remember broken crystal shards that laid all over my father.

I'd like to see more of what happened here.

All I know is that the past is the past. I can only carry on. Carry on, Carry on.

A little too much repetition.

I haven't thought about it in such a long while. The last time it occurred to me what happened to my parents was that day.

These sentences feel detached from each other and everything else; what is "it"?

A general comment about the next chapter: You delete the "Ray" from "Papa" about half-way through. It's confusing.

Overall: An interesting idea, but a little flat. I haven't seen music-based magic, so I am curious as to how this will work, but the exicution is telling, not showing. Give word-for-word description of what they're talking about. Put the last line of Peter Pan in and then have a scene about the flute. Let us hear the audience gasp when Akina gets slapped. Get the picture?

You characters are very similar. All come from diplomat's/traveler's homes, all are forgotten in one way or another and all of them are depressed in almost exactly the same way. Almost all of them are abused.

My tip: Expand this, big time. Don't summerize everything that happens, give us the important dialogue in a scene. You can summerize some stuff (like the three days King spends in the closet) but give the important bits center-stage with a scene of their own.

Thank you for reviewing my story. I never changed prologue to preface and well, I guess that made it a dead target I wrote these paragraphs in october when I first started, and in all my 37 chapters, I think I've improved. Hopefully I can get them up for you to review. I'm working on fixing my intro ^^

Hey!

Well, seems like you've already received quite a bit of feedback on this piece. *sigh* But I'll try my best ...

The bright light of the day began to fade away and time appeared to become quick.

What do you mean by 'time appeared to become quick'? It doesn't really make sense, as nice as it sounds. Do you mean that time appeared to be going faster? How, and why did it seem to be that way?

It seemed as though we had been running for days and our feet were soon to giving in to the aching pain that consumed us. The frigid raindrops that hit our bare heads seemed to quicken its pace.

Seemed to quicken the pace of the aching pain? That makes sense but sounds kind of awkward -- maybe you should reword something like this: The frigid raindrops that hit our bare heads only made it worse.
And wait a second ... your heads are bare? Are they bald?

They felt like crashing waves against a helpless diver.

This is kind of a strange simile ... I can barely see the relationship between waves/divers and rain/heads. I think you should choose a new simile with more relevance to the previous sentences.

I’m not sure if it was because of the sudden rush we were all clearly feeling, or if it was simply an illusion of the mind.

Let's get this straight: they're cold and aching, yet feeling a sudden rush? You might want to elaborate more on that -- is the cold making them clear-headed, or is it just adrenaline?

The line between reality and fantasy blurred during that heart-pounding moment.

What heart-pounding moment?

For suspending our valiant mission meant failure, and failure here counter parted death.

I think 'counter parted' can be hyphenated.

They were all looking up to me and were depending on my faithful decision since our true leader had been captured.

I'm not sure 'faithful' is quite the right word here ... how is her decision faithful? Faithful to what, exactly?

The one time they look to me as their guidance I will prove that I am no longer weak.

I think it should be 'look to me for guidance'.

This is an okay preface. I'm kind of interested as to what it's about, but I felt that it was kind of over-done -- phrases like 'valiant mission' and 'undying love, hope and faith' are probably what makes it seem that way. Things like that work, I guess, when we actually know what valiant mission and whose undying love, hope and faith you're talking about, but since we don't, they just seem silly and unnecessary.

All I can remember of my days in early childhood were the icy raindrops that fell rapidly on my small head. The drops raced down my trembling body and tingled with and eerie feeling. I was trying to hold back my compelling tears, but I could no longer enslave them within me. It was that very day when I realized no one can see you crying when you are crying in the rain. .

This is an interesting premise, but poorly written. "Tingled with and eerie feeling"? I would suggest proof-reading your work before you post it. Also, the idea of "no one can see you crying in the rain" is cliché -- I've seen it everywhere from stickers on facebook to the notebook margins of the wannabe poets in my class.

My beloved parents most people know as the musical protégées Elaine and Cari, were the most wonderful people I knew.

Hmm ... try a reword: My beloved parents, whom most people as the musical protégées Elaine and Carl, were the most wonderful people I knew.

They taught me everything I knew. Walking, running, and speaking were essential skills I learned from my parents. However the most valuable skill they had given me was the gift to create music.

No, really? I think the second sentence here is kind of silly -- you should just say something like "they taught me the essential, practical skills any girl should have, but the most valuable skill they had given me was the gift to create music."

We would occasionally take pleasurable strolls through the park and found much pleasure in playing with our golden retriever Toby.

Repetition. I would suggest replacing the second 'pleasure' with 'joy' or some other synonym.

How glorious it was to feel the cool summer breeze dance gently through my hair, allowing it to float along with wind. Among the many joyous Sunday memories, one specific memory I cherish most. Every Sunday, Mama and Papa would play their beautiful music for us to hear. I am still able to recall even the finest detail of the gentle melodies. The warming sounds from our treasured piano combined with the sweet melody of the flute would fill our little house every Sunday. Mama and Papa noticed that my sister and I were magnetically attracted to the unique sounds the instruments would make. Our great fascination made us eager to learn.

Papa told me each instrument had its own special qualities and distinctive sound. The drums were sturdy like the heavy oak tree in our front yard. The flute was swift, sweet and accurate like the keen wind. The piano was warm and grand, just like the sun. However the magnificent piano was not only capable of joyous sounds. It could also be gloomy and depressing like the brutal rain that poured down on windy November nights.

This whole bit could be compressed into something smaller and less info-dump ish. Like, you could say something along the lines of: "Mama and Papa noticed that my sister and I were attracted to the unique sounds the instruments would make, how we could tell apart the swift, sweet notes of the flute from the grand chords of the piano at a young age."

Music is the sad truth that whispers suddenly in your ear when you're most vulnerable

You forgot to put a period.

The next morning, Kaydence and I ran down stairs to our finely decorated Christmas tree. We tore open our brightly wrapped presents hoping to find what we asked for. I uncovered the white dog plush that I asked Santa for. I hugged it and petted its little head. Then in the corner of my eye I spotted a small, silver box with royal blue ribbon. I rushed to open it while Kaydence was playing with her new lion doll. I opened it quickly to discover a silver necklace with a jade heart locket attached to it. I opened the tiny yellow scroll that sat beside it.

Whoa, whoa ... they're opening their presents without their parents there? If this is normal for Jade, like if that's what they do every year, then you might want to mention that. If that's not the case, it's a plot hole that needs to be fixed.

My parents loved me. That was all I needed to know.

Um ... that's very noble and dramatic and all, but also very unrealistic. Wouldn't she be wondering where they were? Wouldn't her head be spinning with questions after reading that?

I tried to hold back the childish tears, but they ran down my face like the rain ran down on my head.

I don't like the last bit of that sentence -- there's no way that rain can run down your heart unless you've been horribly wounded (ewww that's morbid XD) and it doesn't really work as a metaphor.

My life, my parents, and me; it was all gone.

Overdramatic. Your life and you aren't gone -- and if it feels that way, you should specify in your writing that your life isn't actually gone, it just feels like it.

It seems as though the raindrops just froze time for a moment and brought me back to the days of happiness.

You switch tenses here; 'seems' should be 'seemed'.

The pouring raindrops seemed purify me and take away the pain. They slowly and softly healed my broken heart.

1. You say 'raindrops' way too much in this part.
2. That last sentence is kind of ... silly. Like yeah, it sounds dramatic and noble and sad, but really, who would recover that quickly from their parents' death? How could the rain heal her broken heart moments after she gets the bad news?

My sister and I were playing out by the lake behind our large, and ravishing mansion.

The comma after 'large' is unnecessary.

A time when we were innocent children that were not aware of all the danger and evil in the world; not aware of anything except the single and rare moments we'd share with our beloved family.

I don't think you need to have the 'and'; I think it could just be 'single rare moments'.

But your information on my love of my family is fairly sparse, but I shall try to introduce it to you anyways.

Akina, my younger fraternal twin sister, and I were born the children of regal diplomats. You do not choose who you are, or where you come from. Birth simply is bestowed upon us as a miracle of God. It’s a moment of purity, a moment of sheer truth. It is a time when nothing but honesty fills the air. For a single moment in time everything is perfect. You see a child is the gift of human love.

Ugh. How many times in one piece of writing can you go on and on about the purity and love and truth that you character feels? A little is okay, but the amount you have now is overwhelming and cheesy.

I remember her tears that ran down her red face and the smirk on the instructors face.

You say 'face' twice ... I think it would be better as: I remember the tears that rain down her red face and the instructor's smirk.

Mother and Father were yelling at me through the crack of the door. ; telling me that I blew it for them.

Typo here ... I think you'll be able to see it.

The broken glass that lay on the marble floor. The shining broken shards of crystal that laid before me, and that made my bare hands bleed.

I think you can get rid of the second 'broken'.

Permanent, bold, and written.

'Written' sounds awkward ... you might find a better word, like irreversible.

Hmm. Let's see.

This is odd; it's casual and up until now the writing has been anything but. It's all broken glass and tears and ink and then suddenly, 'hmm'. It just seems out of place.

I can picture that day; that time.

Replace the semicolon with a comma, I think.

I was actually, ugly.

For effect, you might replace the comma with ellipses ('...').

How could I have been such a fool for believing such a lie.

Should be: "How could I have been enough of a fool to believe such a lie?"

So I hid in the attic, waiting for her to call me back up.

Don't you mean, call me back down?

It was a small act of violence that left me alone in the world.

A small act of violence? Didn't she kill him? That's not small.

The last time it occurred to me what happened to my parents was that day.

This sentence doesn't really make sense ... read it over and maybe you'll see what I mean.

Papa Ray stroked my light blue hair and told me he would take me.

Light blue hair?

The tiniest of things would equal chores on top of chores.

This is okay, but I think you could reword: The tiniest of mistakes earned me chores on top of chores.

I would have to wait and stay with Grandma Jane; the rash woman who'd been changed by one simple act of fate.

Replace the semicolon with a comma.

How could she think that I didn't love papa too.

Period should be a question mark.

How could she think that she was the only one who missed his warm-heart and childish soul.

Same as above.

It wasn't, the man simply frowned and walked away.

I think the comma should be a semicolon ... ?

Grandma Jane coughed in her gross tone.

Kind of an odd sentence ... how can you cough grossly?

The wicked woman had taken the single thing that kept me standing; hope.

Semicolon should be a colon.

If you play this angelic flute, the lives of all the characters will come alive and you'll be taken into a world of dreams. But it will only happen when you feel isolated. When you feel alone. When you feel forgotten.'

There's ' at the end, so shouldn't there be quotation marks at the beginning too?

I was, simply forgotten.

No comma.

I slowly and carefully took out the smooth white case from my ragged bag, and opened the elegant case.

You say 'case' twice ... you could say: I slowly and carefully took out the smooth white case from my ragged bag and opened it.



***

Whew! That's quite a long story. In the future, you should break it up into separate posts -- you'll probably get even more reviews because it won't look like a huge menacing wall of text. ;P

I think this has potential. I do suggest proofreading before you post and something that bothered me was that all the girls basically followed the same mold: kind and sweet, loving, but then driven to violence/rebellion by the evil of others. And what happens in each story is practically the same, which can get boring and repetitive. But I'm not going to go into detail here because other critiques already have ...

Well, good luck! Sorry if I was a little harsh in my review ... you can PM me anytime if you have any questions/comments.

Cheers,
- Camille<3

Sorry it has taken me so long to get around to this! Guess I was more busy than I thought but here you go:

Preface: I didn't find much of interest in your preface. There's not enough to hook the reader or st least not enough of a hook that it remains nestled in their mind throughout the reading of the other chapters. I'd suggest that it needs to be longer and give more hints, more dribbles of information for the reader to latch on to. Otherwise, you might as well remove it because as it currently stands, it doesn't seem to serve a purpose.

Chapter one: There's too much telling as opposed to showing for me to really feel as if I get to know the characters and I think the view of family life it displays (or at least the relationships within it) is a little too perfect. True, the good is highlighted once a person is lost but the flaws need to still be there, squirming at the back of the mind. Your characters need to be more human for your reader to feel the right depth of sorrow at their demise.

Jade is alright. She's a little plain and I'm not sure that I liked her presenting the whole 'the rain masks our tears' realisation as one that is solely hers. But my only real critique of her is that she's a little flat at the moment. However, I'm sure more characterization will come with time.

Chapter two: I liked this one better. You have a more flawed and generally more moving and emotive situation here. The characters are easier to relate to and the general tone of voice is much smoother and more interesting. This chapter flows better. I think you still need to check your grammar and try to move further in the direction of showing; introduce Mr Redwin more so he doesn't feel quite so disconnected. It would also then mean more to the reader that it is he who brings the news. And draw that out a little longer. Stall a touch. Don't tell us straight away that his parents are dead.

Chapter three: By now the dead parents story line is starting to get dull. You've got a good use of very different situations with their scattering of links and a touch of mystery but your characters need to be more distinct. I liked King, he sounded very different but Leila could be Jade merely placed in more desperate circumstances. Give them habits and actions that place them apart and establish them as unique individuals.

Chapter four: A reasonable character but once more she felt similar to all the others. Perhaps it's because they're introduced so close to each other and there isn't the time to reall outline one before another is brought to the front but really that's my only comment on this chapter. The plot was good. A little cringingly sweet in some places for my liking but that's probably just me

Overall: I think you should lower the number of characters you introduce at a time and try to really show the reader what makes them different. This can be through a change in writing style or a very different way or acting/ thinking. But I'm liking the plot. The mystery surrounding the deaths and disappearances is nice and I think the parallel nature will work, you just need to set up each story completely and maybe let one or two run for a while before introducing the others.

Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

Hey there,

I'm sorry, this took forever, but now I'm here, so I hope you'll forgive me for letting you wait for such a long time.

Preface: I thought the preface was alright, but it didn't do much for me. I wasn't quite sure where it was heading and it didn't make too big an impression on me. I wasn't sure what it was saying about the story as a whole or in what mood it was supposed to put me. Think about those two things, perhaps and then look at it again and see whether it does, what you intend it to do or not. Might be me though, I've never been good with prefaces.

Chapters

Generally I think you might want to put another space between the chapters and perhaps make the titles of your different chapters bold. Just to structure this a little more for the reader. That's just a nitpick though.

Whichever person you choose, I would work on distinguishing the different characters from each other. This you can achieve by using slightly altered vocabulary and just changing the general tone and mood of the chapters.
Maybe thinking about the characters and how you would like them to come across a little more would help.

#1 Here I like your description of music and how it makes Jade feel. However I would have liked to get to know Jade better in general. What's she like what makes her tick? Further I thought you did a lot of telling. Maybe try to show us how much her parents love her and how she tries to be a good elder sister. Maybe give us a situation with her family.

#2 I did notice this was a different perspective, especially in the beginning, but it somehow became similar when the twins too lost their parents. Especially in relation to a concert. Just that the children were the protegees and not the parents.
I did rather like the different feelings he has about music compared to Jade, though. Nice contrast.

#3 In all three of the chapters so far you speak of something happening "that day". Two things about that: 1) Things don't always go bad in one day, often they come slowly, creep upon you and hang over you for a long time, before they climax. 2) It's all retrospection. Having your first three chapters in retrospection will not hook your reader. We want to know what's going on in the present, you can fill us in on the background in between.
Also the stories of all three of your characters are very similar at the moment. This doesn't really make it more interesting either.

#4 Again born into a wealthy family, again that day, again pain ...

I think it's kind of clear what I have to criticize. This may sound like a lot, but I fairly enjoyed reading your writing. I'd have this read through by someone to pick out the last few mistakes, but there weren't too many of those and I liked your writing in general. Fluent, light. Very nice.

I hope this helped you out a little bit and sorry again for being so late.

All the best and happy writing,

~Kalliope

Thank you everyone for the reviews ^^ I see that "showing" and not "telling" is a pretty big deal around here xD I'm working on it. The novel gets done quicker when I write what comes to me. If I swerve my path to satisfy others, the story will no longer be mine if you know what I mean. I'll take the advice and synthesize in the end and I'll give you guys another try. But I really like my story , xD and I think it reaches up to my current expectations for a draft.