The Silver Lining ch 1.1

...

Vampires? When are there vampires? Oh yeah, my bad, I haven't done your chapter 3 yet. Wooops.

Why don't you, in the future, just add chapter 1 1.2 in another post rather than making a whole new post?

Well, do you need me to critique this? If so I shall deliver (again) but in a nicer way, hey?

*claps* you posted this!

Vampire novel =) Oooo, you know I love those

He had always disliked moving, and now that the move was from on country to another, that detestation intensified.

I think you mean “was from [b]one[/I] country to another” instead of “was from on country to another”

It hadn’t seemed half as bad when he was writing to the Paris Academy. |
Paris Academy was one of the seven post-secondary institutions in the world offering all programs to all nationalities and classes in all possible languages.

You end one sentence with “Paris Academy” and then start another with the same words. It doesn’t work that way, ruining the flow. I would either reword one or the other so you avoid that.

Her face had a welcoming, natural sweetness, not at all what he had picture his landlady to be.

“pictured” instead of “picture”

~ ~ ~ ~

Wow, you are an amazing writing, Sunny. Your descriptions and the lovely atmosphere you have created makes me crave to visit France myself. You also have shrouded Juliet and Miss Dominique in mystery , which was also beautifully done. Jack, might I say, isn’t as developed. We still don’t know a lot about him but I look forward to finding out more.

Keep on Writing!

Oh, this chapter was quite good, but there are some mistakes.

and the small amount of space in between his house and the next one was overgrown and choked with clover and deleterious weeds.

His house? Why do I not remember you telling us whose house it was?

They were everywhere, floating on every gust of October wind, as if to remind people that autumn had come and winter was on its way.

I thought they paved the street?

But now all of the places and houses bled together to form a river of memories.

"blended", you mean.

countered with the sprawling, scrambling city which had been his life in England; it had been very peaceful and simple.

I don't find "sprawling" and "scrambling" anywhere close to "peaceful and simple".

Jack had never attended an Academy before because he was awarded scholarships for the Ivy League colleges, and therefore didn’t need to apply to the Academies when he had already been accepted by the second-best institution in the world.

Ivy League? I thought he was English?

There was one on each continent, except for Antarctica, and Europe had two: one in Paris and one in Rome.

One in, not one on.

Students coming from overseas were given temporary duel citizenship, allowing them to pursue their futures with as little political interference as possible.

Dual, not duel.

And now he’d arrived, he felt the place didn’t suit him at all.

"And now that he'd arrived", I think.

Even though the rent was low, the house looked like it had just barely survived a freak accident.

What do you expect of those cheap houses... <joking>

Her movement sent her cat bounding onto the crimson Axminster carpet amusement of Moya, who snorted in a very dog-ish way.

I think you mean "onto the crimson Axminster carpet, to the amusement of..."?

Doing as he was told he sat, feeling slightly out of place like he had walked into the French-version of a Jane Austen novel.

"Doing as he was told, he sat," don't forget your comma.

“Now,” Miss Dominique began pleasantly. His weak smile appeared on his lips again. “Your letter was not quite clear, Professor. How long will you be with us?”

Don't put her dialogue like that. It makes it sound as though she was a he. Try putting the weak smile after she finishes the sentence.

The cat hissed in retaliation

Fullstop!

“All right,” he said, sensing a brawl just waiting to happen, stood and avoided the feline as he made his way to the door. “I’m leaving.”

Separate the sentence! Try '“All right,” Jack said, sensing a brawl just waiting to happen. He stood and avoided the feline as he made his way to the door.'

Hmm. Too many 'he's, try putting more 'Jack's. I'm off to the next part of the chapter, see you there!

Hey-ho, 200! Sorry for the lateness of this review, was busy with building computers and getting them to work. I'm here now, though, so here we go!

They were simply shreds of vegetation after being trampled by pedestrians and torn by bicycle wheels.

The way this is worded almost make for an awkward read. It's fine as it is, but it's not very smooth. Consider revising. Perhaps something along the lines of "Shreds were all that remained after they had been trampled by pedestrians and torn by bicycle wheels."

Even reverse it maybe. "After being trampled by pedestrians and torn by bicycle wheels, shreds were all that remained of the vegetation."

Or even something completely different. Your call, but I don't suggest leaving it as is.

All the while, his stomach was churning. He had always disliked moving, and now that the move was from one country to another, that detestation intensified.

Nice bit of characterization there. ^^ I, personally, love moving around, but my sister hates it, social bug that she is, so I can almost relate to him. Curious to know why, if he doesn't like moving in general, he took the jump and moved to another country. Almost doesn't fit together, but I'm sure you have your reasons.

Why?
Don’t think about it, he thought.

Theeeere we go. Again, great bit of characterization, and makes me all the more curious to find out what happened before. The only thing that tweaks my nose about it is that it took you a few paragraphs to get to it. He doesn't know French, doesn't like moving, is in unfamiliar territory, left behind a well-paying job, and made the decision over night. Once you get to that bit above ^^ annoyance is turned to intrigue and curiosity and interest. Before that, though, it's not so great. We start out wondering why he's here, but after a while, we give up on finding out and automatically begin making assumptions on the character. This line quickly unravels any doubt, but you might want to put something above it to hint that something happened before, like how you do with this line. Put something in earlier to avoid need to unravel anything.

The door was perhaps eight feet high and wide

The door was eight feet wide?

Poor Jack... seems so awkward and out of place. It'll be interesting to watch him grow into Paris, and also to find out what happened before. Must have been no small thing if it convinced him to 'exile' himself, as he put it.

This piece is filled with imagery -- very beautifully done. I could almost see the city through Jack's eyes. The beginning was especially full, but I found it a bit wordy. The first quote I put up is an example of what I mean. It wasn't so much wordy as... word were out of place. Fine how they were, but not a smooth read. As the piece goes on, however, you seem to get into the flow of things better, things become smoother to read. Take the quality from the middle and end and add it tot the beginning. It's a great opening part of the chapter, but the opening of the opening could use a bit of tweaking. Aside from that, however, everything was great. Look forward to reviewing the continuation.

Hey 200!

The house was, quite literally, falling apart.

You really don't need commas here. "The house was quite literally falling apart".

He had taken a taxi from the Hôtel de la Bourdonnais, and it took him down a long stretch of road with the hulking figure of the Eiffel Tower looming ominously over the surrounding area, and then over the Pont d'Iéna bridge and into a new and unfamiliar area of Paris.

Try cutting up these sentences. Commas are best used in moderation. You have two here, and you're describing a place, so it makes it feel like the sentence is quite the mouthful. Try turning the first comma into a period. Also, the part: "He had taken a taxi" is passive phrasing. "He took a taxi" is active, and more engaging to read.

He loved the secluded quiet of the country; [s]it had been very peaceful and simple[/s]. Nothing was out of the ordinary.

It seems sort of obvious that the country would be peaceful and simple. And the next sentence pretty much implies that anyway.

This was a pleasant beginning. Not extremely interesting, but Jack's character was sincere enough that I find myself genuinely endeared to him. He feels very real - you're portraying his character well through descriptions. I like the presence of his dog as well. It feels more realistic for a man like him to have a pet companion rather than being alone. I think it adds to his character a lot, as the dog companion brings out bits of Jack's own character!

You need to try to make some of your sentences shorter. Try to use less commas, and recognize when it's not necessary to have continue the sentence with a commas. Like the example I use previously with the one quote.

Very nice though, I hope you have more posted!

~ Clo