Five Heart Shaped Necklaces

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The lights were electrifying as me and my crew walked in. Everyone stopped and turned to stare at us with incredulous eyes. We were used to it.

“They weren’t hard, were they?” asked Rachel.

“Quite easy.” I replied.

Already a line of men was towering over us, asking if we wanted a drink. Only one caught my eye. He was in a corner that the light could not reach. He looked at me, and caught me staring. I pretended to blush and look away, but I could still see him in my peripheral vision. He didn’t pay me much attention. Strange.

My crew walked towards what looked like an important table. I wasn’t sure. The lighting was addicting, and it somewhat blinded me. I would say one thing for a club like this, the music was well stocked. I turned towards Amanda.

“I am going to dance, anyone with me?” I asked loudly, hoping to catch a worthy man’s interest.

“I’ll come.” Amada and Carly said at the same time.

That left Rachel and Emily to the table alone.

“You guys going to be alright?” I asked suspiciously.

“Yeah.” Rachel replied, a wicked gleam in her eye.

I laughed and Followed Carly to the middle of the dance floor. They played a song and we took off, the music pulsing around our bodies like it was made just for us. In a minute tops we were surrounded by most everyone, even the people who you could not see dancing. We intoxicated them.

Carly caught my eye and we laughed, really pushing our strategy. I soon felt Rachel and Emily next to me, Amada, and Carly. Our bodies pushed up on everyone, including our crew. It was fun, watching the unsuspecting people be abused be our power.
No one really understood us the way we understood each other. The song ended, and I was thirsty.

“I’m going to get a drink. Be back.”

I danced my way off the floor, flouncing a little, since no one had really jumped on their chance. I sat down and ordered, getting a martini. Tonight was slow. I might actually have to try, and it scared me a little.

Waiting for my drink, I stared towards my friends. We were all so close, it felt like we were sisters. Well, I guess we were, in a way not a lot of others were…

The bartender gave me my drink with a wink, and I winked back, leaning forwards as to catch his interest. This was quite fun. He leaned forwards too, and we were only inches apart.

“Slow night?” I breathed.

“Not anymore.” He leaned forwards, and I pulled back. He fell onto the counter, and I got up. Typical man.

I flipped my hair as I walked away, turning ever so slightly to see his face fill with regret. I went back to the table, and sat, waiting, when he caught my eyes again. I motioned him forward, hoping he would detach himself from that desolate corner. He did.

Trying was absolutely tiring.

He sat with a grace that no mortal man should have. I was suspicious immediately. My eyebrows shot up with my legs.

“BROWNIE!” I screeched, propelling myself a good ten feet backwards.

My crew ran to me, and we formed and offensive line. I was in front, Rachel and Amanda to the right and left, Emily and Carly behind them, since they were the new additions.

We lurched forwards at an unsettling pace, every innocent mortal here was in danger, and we didn’t need any deaths because of one brownie. I jumped, hoping to catch his attention, and I did. He leapt up to meet me, and I slashed for his throat. Rachel and Amanda were right next to me, and they were clawing at every part of him. He was gone before we touched the ground, exploding into dust at out elegant feet.

We left the club after that.


We ran to my car- Black Ferrari- and never looked back.
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~




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I'm kinda confused... Is this just part of a larger story? Kinda confused at the brownie... @.@

I liked the story a bit. But I kinda laughed when the girl screamed brownie. I was all "...They're fighting a brownie?"

Anywho, this is my first review (not really, but I'm barely starting to actually review people) so my comments might not be as good as others...

Hmmm....

The lights were electrifying as me and my crew walked in.


I think it should be my crew and I, but that's just me. ^^

He looked at me, and caught me staring. I pretended to blush and look away, but I could still see him in my peripheral vision. He didn’t pay me much attention. Strange.


Could you please explain why it was strange? I think it would help...

The song ended, and I was thirsty.


When the song ended, I was thirty. Or if you like the way it was, just remove the comma, it's unnecessary.

My eyebrows shot up with my legs.


I just got confused here. @.@ Just fix that and I tink you're good to go. ^^

I hope that helps. This is my first actual review. ^^

-Poppy
I want to do many, many things with my life, but I'm way too scared to really say. Writing, I guess is a way of being able to so all the things I want and not worry about being hurt.




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^^ Gotta second, it would be a bit less if it weren't the first part in a bigger story. Assumed it was, but didn't see a "pt 1/ part 1/ chapter 1/ ch 1/ whathaveyou" so was wondering. Was a bit confused as to where they were at first. Maybe it's my fault for taking ocean classes, reading ocean fantasy stories and joinging a story book currently taking place on the ocean, but at the mention of 'me and my crew' I automatically thought of a ship. Maybe donate a few lines to describing what it is they walk into in the begninining. The light threw me at first. You describe it as electric, blinding, both indicate that it's really bright. But then you've got the brownie in the corner, sitting in the dark. But... if it's really bright, wouldn't it just be a dimmer corner? he would still be exposed, wouldn't he? I'm not an expert on the topic of lighting in clubs, so this is my own confusions due to lack of experience. Nevertheless, perhaps give or change a few lines to clear it up a bit, yes? :)

We left the club after that.


Not a fan of that line. ^^ Might want to deleted it. It makes it sound like they jumped up, tore at the guy, big bloody mess everywhere, surrounded by horrified people (I'm guessing) and then they just straighten their cloths and walk out. I'm pretty sure this isn't what you ment because of the next line, but I'm thinking that last line would be much more effective if it weren't for the line above it. :) Just an idea. If you *do* add to this, I'd be very interested in reading it. I'm curious to learn more about these girls.
Necropolis SB / Necropolis DT

Once was Dreamer, is now LowKey_Lyesmith.

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.




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wow. Thanks guys. Well, chapter one will really explain everything. They are Pixies, so pixies have god like features, so that was why she was confused that the guy wasn't staring at her. Pixies are enemies of the brownie, so they are trying to say that brownies are evil....
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~




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Hm… well, this is definitely an interesting opening! I’ll admit I was more than a bit lost, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that that was probably the point. In any case, the fact that I had very little idea what was going on didn’t distract me too much, in fact, it pulled me in a bit, I was curious.

Your main character and her friends seem interesting—I’m curious to know what exactly they’re doing here, why they’re doing it, and what’s up with the way they lure in other people. I did kind of feel that there wasn’t much sign of uniqueness or different personalities between them, though—they kinda felt like one big block of the same person. But it’s still very early, this was only a brief prologue, so I’ll see what they’re like in the other chapters first. ^_^ If you do want to add a little more personality to each of them, though, I suggest maybe including a little bit more dialogue; that would help give development to each individual character while also helping the reader get on their feet a little as to what’s going on. Eh, I dunno, just a thought. XD

I must also say that you have a talent with creating an atmosphere: there was just enough description here to not be too much, but to give me an image. I helped develop your main character a bit, too; it showed us that she’s glamorous and elegant and in control while still creating a vague feeling of danger, not by telling us about her personality but by making the scenery echo it. Excellent. ^_^

A few real quick prose critiques:

I laughed and Followed Carly to the middle of the dance floor.

I don’t think “followed” needs to be capitalized.

I flipped my hair as I walked away, turning ever so slightly to see his face fill with regret. I went back to the table, and sat, waiting, when he caught my eyes again.

The pronouns here left me a little lost, for a second I thought you were still talking about the bartender. Using “the man in the shadows” or something similar rather than “he” might clear things up a bit.

In any case, though, I’m pulled in now, which is just what a prologue is supposed to do for me. I’ll definitely be looking towards the next chapter, I want to know why that man is so dangerous and what’s up with the main cast. See you in chapter one!
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




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WOW! The story is wicked!
Always have a Happy Life!

Love everybody!



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote