Young Writers Society

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Wow! I'm the first person to review this. Unusual x


Jackie was highly aware of the bronze-haired girl seated beside her, a veiled madness hidden beneath her pretty features. She was aware of the string-bean legs wedged between the wooden slats on the window sill, moulding patterns into the soft, pale-freckled skin. She was aware of the girl’s chocolate mosaic eyesI adore that description, it's so unusual compared with the usual chocolate brown eyes, honey brown eyes etc , studying every detail in their clouded line of vision. Though Jackie had that odd feeling you get when you suspect that people are less looking at you as looking through you.Hahah I know what you mean;)


“Sometimes there are no words.” Rue leant forward and whispered softly into Jackie’s ear.


“What d’you mean?” Jackie questioned, shifting on the thin wicker chair, facing the windowsill. Rue stretched with a short arm and reached for her companion’s tattered book. She fluttered the pages and ran her fingers along the scarlet cover.;)


“I mean, sometimes there are only colours and pictures, Jacqueline.”That my dear Sarah, is the story of my life, you are onto a winner here The small dark girl smiled playfully. Jackie felt a shiver run down her spine when Rue flashed that wan smile; something about it seemed to be concealing hidden menace. To hide her unease, she snatched the book from Rue and buried her face in it.


“What do you mean?” she asked after five minutes.


Rue chuckled emptily. “Oh Jacqueline, so far to go.” She paused for a moment, her eyes of brown velvet dilatingAgain; fantastically unusal description makes your stories rock as usual Sarah , eerie smirk still dancing on the moistened curve of her lips. Aaah! Here we go again with that incredible dancing description *glares evilly at you while wishing I could do that!*“I will show you one day.”


Her face crumpled, like rose-coloured gauze.I love it Her eyes became wide and emotionless, her curving mouth dispersing a cold smile. Rue hunched up smaller on the sill, humming tunelessly to herself.

Then, she snapped into one of her usual habits.


Jackie watched her; not understanding, but accepting. Rue was giggling manically, running pearly fingers through her hair in frenzied movements. Her long, high-collared dandelion dress hung around her awkwardly, like a strange yellow cloud. Matching the frock, maple strands tumbled out of her plait as she played with her hair.I love that description:) A leg escaped from underneath her and dangled at an odd angle from the edge of the windowsill. It reminded Jackie of a rag doll.I adore that word. Rag doll. I just love it!


The fifteen-year-old girl really was quite a mystery to Jackie, as she was to everyone else in the HomeIs it a children's home? Sorry if I'm mentally deranged but you know how I am Sarah , but they had all simply written it off as her being either insane or mentally handicapped.


Jackie had no doubt that Rue was most probably insane, but she felt something deeper than that, hidden under her mechanical speech and her peculiar sense of humour. There was something concealed behind the frail veneer of insanity,Frail veneer of insanity, your description Sarah, dear it's the best deceiving the world and suffocating Rue like a poison-soaked veil.again;)


She remembered going to the funeral; four years ago, when Rue’s father had died from the drink. There were hardly any mourners, and the few present looked like bedraggled crows:lol:, swarming the casket. Jackie had cried openly for her friend’s loss but Rue’s tears had been dry, falling like thin confetti onto the coffin.I adore that Sarah


“Nice day for a freak show, isn’t it?” scoffed a voice from behind them, accompanied with a malicious smile etched into a pasty face. The robust, crimson-faced bully of the Home appeared in front of them.


Jackie noticed with annoyance that he obscured the silvery-gold light cast across the living room from the sun-catcher, dangling listlessly in the large windows.I'm in love ... with your writing *ponders over thought for three secs, actually I've been in love with your writing since I met you It was the only thing of beauty in the Home, for her. She wanted to enjoy it while she could.


“Just go away, Jimmy.” Jackie sighed wearily. Rue was still occupied with her hair-stroking routine and she was evidently still finding it just as amusing.


“Make me,” he said, sneering at Rue. He felt the urge to smash something heavy into her perfectly formed face. Not that Jimmy was one to make a habit of attacking poor defenceless little girls.Aw:)


Jackie just shook her head and walked over to the occupied windowsill. Picking up Rue's fiddling hand, she gestured for them to vacate the living in favour of a more Jimmy lacking environment.


Okay I'm here Sarah dear that word makes me laugh, sorry but you know how I am

Plot
We don't know much about the plot yet, but I bet it'll be a good one. Your description Sarah is simply amazing. As usual I love it I can't wait for chapter two *looks up, you're adding chapter two, right? Eyes increase to a huge size! *

Characters
I have fallen in love with your characters already Sarah, and I've only read one chapter. Rue is simply amazing dearie. I really love the characters, they're exceptionally well rounded for the first chapter

Dialogue
I adore the dialogue in this chapter, t'is amazing. Rue is so intriguing when she talks, I want more! Hahah your rules for showing not telling really work Sarah, and I love your dialogue so much. It's definetley one of my favourite things about your work, although there's so much to choose from

Nitpicks
Malfunction, malfunction, this area is empty. I repeat, this area is empty

Overall
I absolutely adored it Sarah, are you sure you don't get bored of me just posting the same every time, anyway I'm off to read more of your poems *waves frantically* x

first id like to say and ask... do you like that... why do we build castles in the sky song too!? and second... some of the descriptions are great... but a few...

"Her face crumpled, like rose-coloured gauze." i like the idea of rose colored gauze... but i dont see a similariarity in rose coloured gauze in a crumpled, or, frowining face...

"Jackie noticed with annoyance that he" ACk! i hate that word, annoyance.. it just sounds so... so pompous and... unnatural and stupid! im pretty sure you can think of a better word or a better way of describing his lack of pleasure... and sneering.. dont like that either.. change them both! now! and even tho the description gave a nice background and feel to story, i think it pretty much enveloped it... after it was all said and done, i just remembered how nice everything was described.. like i dont even know if the main character is a guy or a girl, or even who the main one really was... all i remember of the actual story is that some girl was sitting at a windowsill, and then some guy nobody likes entered... and im sure this is just the beginning and stuff... but i dont even know what its beginning! know what i mean jelly bean!

Thanks for the review, Xena.
If you'd looked closer, you would have seen that Jackie was a girl as I referred to her as 'her' and 'she.' ^_^
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Hey, Sky! =D

Hmm... I'm going to claim this one as my own for about.. thirty minutes.

Time: 12:27 PM.

Grammar and First Impressions

Jackie was highly aware of the bronze-haired girl seated beside her, a veiled madness hidden beneath her pretty features. She was aware of the string-bean legs wedged between the wooden slats on the window sill, moulding patterns into the soft, pale-freckled skin. She was aware of the girl’s chocolate mosaic eyes, studying every detail in their clouded line of vision. Though Jackie had that odd feeling you get when you suspect that people are less looking at you as looking through you.

As a beginning to the piece, it was very slow. I love how you're describing your image. It's fantastic, but the word choice is a bit off. There were some phrases that lost me and I had to read a few times. The string-bean legs would probably have made sense if I knew what a wooden slat was, so that part is no doubt my brain's fault. XD Overall though, as a paragraph, this is fantastic. It's just not a great hook.

The last sentence here especially. I suggest rewording this and making it easier to read. I couldn't read it right, but I know what you mean. xD

“Sometimes there are no words.” Rue leant forward and whispered softly into Jackie’s ear.

“What d’you mean?” Jackie questioned, shifting on the thin wicker chair, [no comma] and facing the windowsill. Rue stretched with a short arm and reached for her companion’s tattered book. She fluttered the pages and ran her fingers along the scarlet cover.

The first line here is fine. It's awkward, though, to have the action said after it happened. Like... Rue whispered to Jackie, and then you tell us that she whispered. Switching the two sentences would work better.

“I mean, sometimes there are only colours and pictures, Jacqueline.” The small dark girl smiled playfully. Jackie felt a shiver run down her spine when Rue flashed that wan smile; something about it seemed to be concealing hidden menace. To hide her unease, she snatched the book from Rue and buried her face in it.

“What do you mean?” she asked after five minutes.

That's kinda creepy. xD Rue called Jackie by her full name and had a creepy smile. Hm.

The bolded part is weird. You probably forgot an article or something, but I'm afraid of fixing it in case I'm wrong. xD

And after five minutes, would Rue know what Jackie was talking about? If you think about it, letting a question sit unanswered after twenty seconds is awkward.

Rue chuckled emptily. “Oh Jacqueline, so far to go.” She paused for a moment, her eyes of brown velvet dilating, her eerie smirk still dancing on the moistened curve of her lips. “I will show you one day.”

Her face crumpled, [no comma] like rose-coloured gauze. Her eyes became wide and emotionless, her curving mouth dispersing a cold smile. Rue hunched up smaller on the sill, humming tunelessly to herself.

This is weird. At one point, Rue was creepy. Then Rue became depressed. You didn't really transition from one paragraph to the other, so it was kind of weird. Insert only a few words that indicates how uneasy it made Jackie feel to see Rue all depressed or... something. I don't know much of what's happening at this point, so you'll have to decide.

Then, she snapped into one of her usual habits.

Jackie watched her; [comma instead] not understanding, but accepting. Rue was giggling manically, running pearly fingers through her hair in frenzied movements. Her long, high-collared dandelion dress hung around her awkwardly, [no comma] like a strange yellow cloud. Matching the frock, maple strands tumbled out of her plait as she played with her hair. A leg escaped from underneath her and dangled at an odd angle from the edge of the windowsill. It reminded Jackie of a rag doll.

Good description. You're very good at that. ^_^

It was the only thing of beauty in the Home, [no comma] for her.

If you want a pause there, try a dash. The comma indicates different kinds of pauses, but not the one you want, I think.

Not that Jimmy was one to make a habit of attacking poor defenceless little girls.

This was cute. xD However, I'm not sure this matches your style. You've been writing in a very descriptive style, and the bolded part adds humor that doesn't match the beautiful wordy description I fell in love with.

Third Time's A Charm

It sure was for me. The first time I read it, I was very confused as to where this took place. I finally figured out that it took place at "The Home," whatever that may be. Try to describe where they were a bit better in the beginning. Are they in the corner of a huge room? Are there little kids making noise, causing Jackie to not read so much 'cause she's distracted? Give me sounds and sights. You've described the characters' appearances fantastically. Now it's time for the setting.

Guess Who!

I've played a board game called that. It's loads of fun. xD

Anyway! Your characters are pretty good. Jackie, the main character, was the better of the three, I think. She loves to read, seems independent, and she's probably pretty smart too.

Rue is weird? xD Kinda creepy. At first, I thought you were confused as to what kind of character she was, then the second/third time I read it, I figured out that she's.. "either insane or mentally handicapped."

I don't know Jimmy, though. In fact, if you took Jimmy out, it wouldn't have made much of a different to the piece here. Try to flesh him out a bit more. Jackie seems to be annoyed by him. Why? The reader thinks Jackie's unfair to talk to Jimmy like that 'cause they don't know what she's thinking or what her reason is. Give a little more background to cover the situation. ^^

Overall, I'm Thinking...

This is a great start! And by that, I mean it's really a great start. xD There are a few things we gotta tweak here, but after that's taken care of, it'll be fantastic. Fix up the setting, flesh out the characters a bit more, and clear things up either now or in the next part.

Any questions, just find me somewhere. ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

**Edit: 12:58 PM =D

Gosh I am stupid! At the bit where it says sometimes there are only colours and pictures I thought it said sometimes there are only words and pictures

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Thankyou so much for the lengthy, detailed review, Jabber! It was extremely helpful.
Sarah
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EDIT: Man, I really need to stop writing so much. =_= Stupid thing counted as a review...

S'already been reviewed in detail enough. I'm late again. *sighs*

This is an interesting first chapter. Cependant... I have absolutely zilch of an idea of what's going on. *laughs* However, that's exactly what happened when I read the start of a beautiful, beautiful book called 'Angel Blood'. I nearly put it down - but I have a motto. Finish any book you begin. And so I pressed myself to read on.

And my life changed forever. *sighs* If you haven't read it yet, I beg of you, go and read it. It's so beautiful, so sad... for a fleeting moment, I wished I was in a mental home, too. However, that's a different story altogether, and one that doesn't really need to be told here.

Alors - I shall leave or the system will count this as a review, and that won't be fair. Bye-de-bye~! x

Hey Castles! Here is the first part of your winnings - yay!

Jackie was highly aware of the bronze-haired girl seated beside her, a veiled madness hidden beneath her pretty features.

The latter part of the sentence is sort of ambigous - I know by her you most likely mean the bronze-haired girl, but I also had a vague sense that you may have meant Jackie, giving her sort of a dark voyuerism as she watches the other girl. There's just a lack of clarity here.

She was aware of the string-bean legs wedged between the wooden slats on the window sill, moulding patterns into the soft, pale-freckled skin. She was aware of the girl’s chocolate mosaic eyes, studying every detail in their clouded line of vision. Though Jackie had that odd feeling you get when you suspect that people are less looking at you as looking through you.

This has some nice description in it, really lovely, but it's very muddled when reading it. For instance, the last sentence makes me feel like you're talking about something else with the "though", when I understand that you're trying to say she was aware of the other girl, but felt someone else was watching her. I think?

“Sometimes there are no words.” Rue leant forward and whispered softly into Jackie’s ear.

Is Rue the bronze-haired girl, or someone else?

Rue chuckled emptily. “Oh Jacqueline, so far to go.” She paused for a moment, her eyes of brown velvet dilating, eerie smirk still dancing on the moistened curve of her lips.

an eerie smirk still dancing

Jackie watched her; not understanding, but accepting.

Just use a comma here: "Jackie watched her, not understanding"

She remembered going to the funeral; four years ago, when Rue’s father had died from the drink.

This should also just be a comma. "She remembered going to the funeral, four years ago, when"

“Nice day for a freak show, isn’t it?” scoffed a voice from behind them, accompanied with a malicious smile etched into a pasty face. The robust, crimson-faced bully of the Home appeared in front of them.

First you described him as pasty faced, and the next sentence you say his face his crimson. I can understand him having pasty skin but red cheeks, but this phrasing of it contradicts.

It was the only thing of beauty in the Home, for her.

No comma. "beauty in the Home for her."

The Home
At the end, I had a vague sense of where the location was. It was a very confusing read when it comes to the setting, because you never really say what the Home is, and give no hints with descriptions. It could imply several things, and since Rue seems a little unstable, I'm thinking some sort of center for troubled kids, or something of that sort. Though, in such a short story, you don't need to abruptly define the location (assuming there is more - it definitely feels there should be more), but it would be nice if you gave the actions taking place here a clearer setting. At the beginning, I believed Jackie was inside a room, but then I thought that both her and Rue were on the sill, and then I wasn't so sure. Either way, you have great description in this story, but it mainly focuses on the characters. Try to add some more to the location.

Rue
Rue was a puzzling character - one second mysterious, then depressed, then very happy. You do say she's unstable, but I found it hard following her. And I'm not entirely sure why Jackie was so hyperaware of her at the beginning. What was going through her head to make her senses so focused on Rue? I suppose the most puzzling thing about Rue beyond her mood swings is her relationship with Jackie, and why Jackie feels any affinity with her.

Overall
I liked it, and Jackie was an adorable musing character. Your strongest point is your descriptions - it really allows us to visualize the characters, and as you write more you could really make the characters seem very much alive. And with that, you should write more! It was so halting and strange to end with a bully, after a relationship with these two girls was being developed. It's clear you have more in mind.

PM me if you have questions!

~ Clo

Thankyou so much for reading, Clo! I didn't expect my winnings to be until during the hols, so you're a darling for doing this so early. Thankyou so much for your comments, suggestions and criticisms, they helped a lot.

*LOCKED*

Plagiarism.