Young Writers Society

x

this is really good. i think you should write a sequel to it to let us see what happens to them. if he dies or what.

this is really good. i hope you write a sequel.

Thankyou very much for reading. It was meant as a one-off short story, but seeing as you enjoyed it so much, maybe I'll write a sequel when I have time. XD
Thanks again.
xxx

Hello!

You've written such an endearing little tale, CastlesInTheSky; I did worry it might be one of those soppy "Wait for me! Hold me close, oh my love" stories that only work in classics, but it definitely wasn't. I liked how they weren't speaking the queen's English, but in some accent that in my head I heard as Irish (but it could have been Scottish??) as it gave the characters some charming quirkiness.
Promising was the strength of your MC, Kathleen, who was not a weeping damsel in distress but a witty young woman with a sad humour and a clever head on her shoulders. I think that comes from reading mountains of classics (I'm thinking Jane Eyre)!
The accents of Kathleen and Alastor were well drafted; I read them with unique voices ni my head. I know from experience how hard it can be to get it right, especially if you don't speak that way yourself.
Last but not least, I liked some of your phrases (quite original, quite poetic). For example,

It was well-known fact that given a choice between the cold sea and a warm woman, the sea won out every time

I personally think you should scrap the rest of the sentence that follows, for effect. It drags otherwise.
Another example:

Kathleen saw him look past her, out towards the ocean.
Look at me, not your mistress!

I loved how you symbolised the sea as his lover/mistress, snatching him from her.

Some Nitpicks, if you don't mind

Unlike some people.

I found that a bit cheesy. A bit too YA-fictionish. You could do without these paragraph-stallers.

The overcoat warmed her considerably, otherwise she might have considered dropping it

Semi-colon, I think, rather than a comma.

I will do my best though,” Kathleen smiled wryly at Alastor's flabberghasted features. “I was going to tell you a little later, when I was far enough along that a miscarriage is unlikely, but I don't want you coming back to me assuming that some other man has managed to get into my skirts so soon after you.”

Missed quotation marks! Also, no 'h' in flabbergasted.


Well, that's it! A sequel would be nice, but I think it's better as a stand-alone piece. Each to his own.



Lauren

This was beautiful. I loved it. Wonderful, just wonderful.

“I won't promise to wait for you Alastor McKinsley,” she said suddenly, in a much firmer voice than before. “I won't promise because I don't know what's around the corner. Lord knows your bairn might be in need of shelter when it's born, and if that's the case, then I cannot make any promises.

I will do my best though,” Kathleen smiled wryly at Alastor's flabberghasted features.

Just leaving this by itself is okay, but putting a quotation mark at the beginning of the next paragraph would help. So it would look like this:


Lord knows your bairn might be in need of shelter when it's born, and if that's the case, then I cannot make any promises.

"I will do my best though,” Kathleen smiled wryly at Alastor's flabberghasted features.

I have seen some authors do that. Other than that, I loved it!
Gold star!

lhighton - Yay! Spelt your name right this time! Thankyou so, so much for your comments. You really didn't owe me a review back as I love critiquing your work; but thanks so much for checking out this little story. Ha; you are so right about the moutains of classics - Jane Eyre in particular. I'm glad you liked Kathleen, I'm growing fonder of her by the minute. It's a great relief that you thought well of the accents; I was terrified it would come out sounding all false and whatnot. Anyway, thanks so muh for reading.

Cat_910 Aww I'm so glad you enjoyed reading it. It was absolutely lovely of you to come and review it when I haven't even critiqued anything of yours yer. Thankyou so much for reading. I'd love to babble on thanking you, but my mum's yelling at me to get of the computer, so I'll stop now. XD

Thankyou all.
xxx

She should have known better.
Great way to start as usual Sarah (:

That was the thought that echoed through her head as she stood upon the hilltop, the dry-gold grass whispering against her calves as she looked out to the bay.
The dry gold grass, those two words send me into another world Sarah. You simply have a way with words.

In a few minutes, the sun would begin to set behind her, and she would be able to see the orange-gold and pinks reflected in the clouds and in the deep waters of the eastern beach.Gosh, with each word I'm sent deeper and deeper within myself. Which I love She knew for a fact that it would be beautiful- she had been coming to this spot to watch the sunset since she was a child, and it never ceased to amaze her just how spectacular it was every time. It never failed her.Great description as usual. You must get bored of me reapeating myself!


Unlike some people. Someone before said you should scrap that line. I don't think you should. I'm getting what you mean but maybe we should reword it, definetly keep it in because it's got great meaning in my eyes anyway (:


It was then that she heard him behind her, clumsy feet shuffling through the grass as he tripped over a hidden rock or three, swearing under his breath as he stubbed his toe.


Typical city-born seaman.Great way to introduce him She had yet to meet one who could travel gracefully outside of their normal environs, and this man was bad enough on a street, let alone up here where the only track was one she had worn herself. Haha this bit had me in hysterics, it's great Sarah.


The wind picked up a little, and she wrapped her arms around herself, shivering slightly in the sudden cold. I can see her leaning over herself up high looking out onto these wonderful views


A heavy overcoat suddenly dropped about her shoulders, though its owner then stepped back a little way, instead of folding her into his arms like he would have a bare three days ago, when she found out that he was going to leave her to go on a voyage to exotic climes that might take more than a year- his captain might have mentioned Cape Town and Bombay and Madagascar, but all she had overheard as she poured his beer was “away, far, far away”.


The overcoat warmed her considerably, otherwise she might have considered dropping it on the ground just to spite him.Great way to make that bit un-cliche. Instead she stared out at the horizon, lips compressed as she did her best to ignore the man standing a step behind her to her left. I'm imagining (correct me if I'm wrong) the protaganists to have a sort of Cathy/Heathcliff relationship, that powerful moody feeling that you're giving off. It's incredible.


Part of her was appalled at her behaviour, but that was the part that had told her she was foolish to get involved with him in the first place. “Him” being Alastor McKinsley, known to his crewmates as Singin' McKinsley, for his knowledge of the old tunes and his tendency to display such knowledge for the entertainment of himself and others whilst he worked was legendary aboard his ship the Desdemona. I really love that word.Desdemona.


I love this line.It was well-known fact that given a choice between the cold sea and a warm woman, the sea won out every time.


The lines that you have standing alone are simply amazing Sarah. She had hoped that maybe commonsense would lose to romance.


But it was not to be. Tomorrow he would set sail, and she would not see him again for a long time, if at all- whilst she knew he, unlike many of his crewmates could swim, this skill would do him little good if he were washed overboard in a typhoon, or if he caught some tropical disease from drinking bad water. That's a wonderful piece of description.


“Will y'ever forgive me Kathleen?” he asked suddenly, the light baritone of his voice uncharacteristically nervous. I love their accents Sarah. They're perfect.


Kathleen closed her eyes for a moment, forcing herself to hold back the tears that she could feel building. She refused to speak, knowing her voice would come out in a despicable quaver, and she hated to let him see her moments of weakness. This even more adds to my views that their relationship is like Cathy and Heathcliff's her defiance.


Oblivious of her inner turmoil, he assumed she was giving him the silent treatment and sighed. Impeccable Phrasing.


“I said it before, and I say it again, m'sorry I have t'go. If I 'ad a choice in the matter I'd stay 'ere or take y'with me, but fact is, my berth on the Desdemona is about as good as I'd ever find. Captain Ryan is a good man, and he's no great risk taker with his crew's life, not like some of the crazed devils that think they can outsail hurricanes and suchlike. And the truth is...” he swallowed. “The truth is...” he trailed off, and muttered something that sounded like a curse.


I'll forgive you Alastor. Truly. It's just that my heart's a little sore at you for not telling me, though my head understands why you have to go, Kathleen thought without taking her eyes from the horizon. Don't you get the feeling of Catherine here, looking over onto the moors (or horizon in your case) whilst talking to Heathcliff/Alasdar in your case. I also love his name, not only is it an unusual name but it's unusually spelt too. The colours were just beginning to shift, and she could tell that this one was going to be a particularly gorgeous one.Perfect.


If she were a superstitious type, she might think it was the spirits' way of trying to make it up to her, trying to give her a glimmer of happiness that might make its way to the shadows where her soul was currently hiding. Again, those single lines are so effective, they really show off your skills Sarah.


Why was it that she could not tell him that? She felt as though she had suddenly turned to stone, her granite tongue too heavy to lift to say her farewell to the man who had been her lover for a good four months, whilst the winter seas had been too rough for any but the more insane pirates and merchant vessels that thought profit was more important than certainty. I love this story.


With a seemingly herculean effort, she dragged her eyes from the clouds on the horizon to look deeply into the clouds in his eyes, those storm-grey eyes that had entranced her from the first moment of her acquaintance with him. Those storm-grey eyes that had promised her fun, mischief and good times for all. Aw I feel sorry for her.


His eyes had never promised to stay. She should have known better than to hope that he might. Again, you are messing with my mind with your amazing-ness!


It was as she recognised this that the tears finally broke through her defenses, and with a gasping sob she threw herself into his arms, hating herself for her weakness, but loving the warmth and security that he offered as he held her gently, rubbing soothing circles into her back as he buried his nose in her curly hair, not speaking, but still conveying that it was alright, he didn't think less of her for dampening his shirt, and that she would be able to get through this. I love this story so much Sarah. It's great.


“D-don't you forget me Alastor McKinsley,” she said finally, when the tears had slowed to a mere trickle. “Don't forget me when you're off in distant places with the pretty island women where the sun shines all the time and the fruit grows on every tree. Don't you dare forget me, after...”


He placed his finger over her lips to quiet her, and cupped her chin to make her look into his eyes.


“I won't ferget y'Katie. T'be honest I'm more worried about y'fergettin' me. I've seen the way the local lads look at ye, an' it ain't encouragin' as to my chances of seein' you again as a free woman. Aw cute! But I want to see ye happy, an' I wouldn't begrudge y'a bit for movin' on once I'm over the horizon. Perfect Sarah. Simply perfect. That said...” he hesitated, and Kathleen saw him look past her, out towards the ocean.


Look at me, not your mistress! She almost wanted to shout, but she knew how ludicrous such an exclamation would sound, and so held her tongue as he licked his lips, as though preparing himself to say something to her. I love the way Kathleen refers to the sea as his mistress.


What on earth could he want to say to her that he couldn't have said to her earlier?


“Would you ever wish to... marry me when I come back?”


Kathleen froze for a moment, and then began to laugh hysterically.


“Kathleen?” Alastor sounded worried, as her laughter sounded broken, a gallows laugh that ended finally with coughs and hiccoughs, whilst her eyes shone far too brightly.


“I won't promise to wait for you Alastor McKinsley,” she said suddenly, in a much firmer voice than before. “I won't promise because I don't know what's around the corner. Lord knows your bairn might be in need of shelter when it's born, and if that's the case, then I cannot make any promises.


"I will do my best though,” Kathleen smiled wryly at Alastor's flabberghasted features. “I was going to tell you a little later, when I was far enough along that a miscarriage is unlikely, but I don't want you coming back to me assuming that some other man has managed to get into my skirts so soon after you.”


He spluttered a little, and she smiled at him before turning to catch the sunset in its full glory. She had been right. This one was magnificent, as though liquid gold had been splashed across the sky and sea, on top of scarlet silk with a border of black to signify the impending darkness.


She sighed a little, and Alastor held her closer, his hands still shaking a little at her revelation.


“I will be alright Alastor. I'm a grown woman and I can look after myself. When the baby comes, I will stay at my sister's- she already promised to take me in, when I told her what had come to pass.”


She turned and smiled at him, then kissed him on the cheek.


“It will take some effort, but whether you come back for me or no, I will survive, and with enough time I will move on...” she paused for a moment, and then looked him dead in the eyes.


“I'll give you a year, Alastor. Your bairn will be born by then, and your ship should have at least turned her nose for home. If I receive no word after a year and a day, then I will consider you dead to me, whether you've drowned or left me for some island doxie, I will not care for the difference, I shall consider you dead to me in either case.” :'(


Was that surprise on his face, that she was laying down the rules so vehemently?


She supposed she could forgive him that, for she had bowed often enough to his whims in the past...


But on this matter, she would stand firm.


He seemed to sense this, for he merely nodded, and half-smiled. “I'll come back for ye. Kathleen, I promise.”


“Don't make me a promise that God might not keep for you. If you drown in some storm your promise will be worth nothing to me.”


He laughed humourlessly. “I just had to get meself tangled with a cynical hellion, didn't I? Fine then. I promise to do my best to return to ye.”


She smiled at him, relieved he understood, or at least was trying to understand.


“Well in that case, yes. I will marry you if you return, because every man who does his best deserves just reward.”


He laughed again, but this time it was more genuine, and she could feel an answering smile growing on her face as he leant down to kiss her, holding her so tightly that for a moment she had to lean back a little so that her ribs were not entirely constricted.


After a long moment he released her, and drew a silver ring from his pocket which he slid onto her finger.


They both stared at the ring for a long moment, the silver glinting even in the failing light, as she twined her fingers about his. Perfect. I'm at a loss for words


She kissed him for one last time, then jerked her head towards the track she had worn. “You'd best be going- you have an early start,” she whispered, eyes lowered.


“So long as y'give me one last smile t'remember ye by.”


Despite herself she laughed a little at that, and smiled at him, her eyes almost glowing as though they had stolen the last rays of the sunset. Stolen the last rays of the sunset. How do you do it Sarah? How do you do it?


With a final grasping of her hands, Alastor kissed her, and then left, stumbling down the track in the almost-darkness, spoiling his exit as he slipped over and landed on his side. Hahah I love this bit


He leapt to his feet with a cry of “I'm alright, never ye worry Katie! This year'll seem long without ye, but just y'wait, I'll be back in no time at all!”


“Be off with you then! Before I change my mind!” she yelled back, laughing as he waved cheerily at her and then disappeared down the track.


Kathleen smiled to herself snuggling down into the large overcoat he had-


Drat that man! She would have to chase him down or he'd have no coat to protect him from the freezing seabreezes.


She picked up her skirts and smiled at the stars that were beginning to come out. If she hurried, she could catch him at the bottom, as she knew the way far better than he, even in darkness.


And to think she had been worried he would leave without a word.


She should have known better.Amazing way to end it.

This was amazing Sarah. I hope you understand what I meant by the Cathy/Heathcliff relationship, excuse me if I'm completely wrong. It's amazing Sarah. I love it

Thankyou so much for your review, Kirsten. You're always so encouraging.
You are partially right about the Cathy/Heathcliff relationship, though it's obviously slightly less abusive than said relationship.
I know what you mean about the resemblance to the moor scene, and I'm flattered that you compared my writing to such a classic as Wuthering Heights. Even though it's not really comparable; but you found similarities, etc.
Thanks again.
xxx

Sarah! I was trying to find something to review this morning and I remembered that I had never actually critiqued anything of yours, though I've read some. Anywhoo, here we go!

She knew for a fact that it would be beautiful- she had been

Just a nitpick, but the '-' should be '--' or a semicolon.

Unlike some people.

I agree with Lauren; it sounds a bit like the angsty teen who's different from everyone else, yada yada. Besides, it's a dry sentence. Who had failed her was never mentioned in this story, nor is it relevant. I would just scrap it.

It was then that she heard him behind her, clumsy feet shuffling through the grass as he tripped over a hidden rock or three, swearing under his breath as he stubbed his toe.

The part in bold confused me. Do you mean he tripped over three hidden rocks? Or do you been a tree root?

A heavy overcoat suddenly dropped about her shoulders, though its owner then stepped back a little way, instead of folding her into his arms like he would have a bare three days ago, when she found out that he was going to leave her to go on a voyage to exotic climes that might take more than a year- his captain might have mentioned Cape Town and Bombay and Madagascar, but all she had overheard as she poured his beer was “away, far, far away”.

Wow. That is one hunky chunky sentence. Break it up some how. Also, with the "away, far, far away", might I suggest putting a semicolon after the first 'away'? So "away; far, far away."

“Him” being Alastor McKinsley, known to his crewmates as Singin' McKinsley, for his knowledge of the old tunes and his tendency to display such knowledge for the entertainment of himself and others whilst he worked was legendary aboard his ship the Desdemona.

This sentence is confusing. Reword it, perhaps? Also, put all the "Desdemona"s in italics in the story.

It was well-known fact that given a choice between the cold sea and a warm woman, the sea won out every time.

The similarities of this sentence and the first sentence of Pride & Prejudice is undeniably noticeable. Change it around maybe?

Tomorrow he would set sail, and she would not see him again for a long time, if at all- whilst she knew

You use 'whilst' a bit too much in this story. I would take out one or two, so it's not so repetitive.

I'll forgive you Alastor. Truly. It's just that my heart's a little sore at you for not telling me, though my head understands why you have to go, Kathleen thought without taking her eyes from the horizon.

Her thoughts are a little... melodramatic. It sounds a bit weird to me as the reader.

Why was it that she could not tell him that?

Because that part is italics, I assume it's Kathleen's thoughts... but does she think in third person? xD Change the 'she' to 'I'.

It was as she recognised this that the tears finally broke through her defenses, and with a gasping sob she threw herself into his arms, hating herself for her weakness, but loving the warmth and security that he offered as he held her gently, rubbing soothing circles into her back as he buried his nose in her curly hair, not speaking, but still conveying that it was alright, he didn't think less of her for dampening his shirt, and that she would be able to get through this.

Another really long sentence. Break it up!

Kathleen froze for a moment, and then began to laugh hysterically.

Even after I read the last sentence of the story, I couldn't understand why she started laughing. It seems almost a little out of her character.

“I was going to tell you a little later, when I was far enough along that a miscarriage is unlikely, but I don't want you coming back to me assuming that some other man has managed to get into my skirts so soon after you.”

You kind of threw out the word 'miscarriage'. Maybe at the beginning of the story you should mention something about her expanding belly that held a baby or something. So the reader isn't caught so off guard, eh? xD

She supposed she could forgive him that, for she had bowed often enough to his whims in the past...

Take out the 'that' in that sentence. It seems a little out of place, no?
____

Anywhoo, that's that. Now the good stuff!

This was so adorable and beautifully written. The characters (especially Kathleen) jump right off the page. Their characters are so fully developed in such a short amount time it's amazing! The romance was cute. I adored how the man worried about losing her and Kathleen's strength. And my favorite part was the coat! The way they start to separate and then draw back to each other it such a nice element to the story. It really shows how much they love each other.

The only thing I would change is I would include a little bit of their pasts in this. She got pregnant before marriage? :0 That seems a bit scandalous for this time period!

Anywhoo, lovely read! I'm glad I thought to review something of yours!

-Holly

Hehe. Hey Castles.

That was the thought that echoed through her head as she stood upon the hilltop, the dry-gold grass whispering against her calves as she looked out to the bay.

Just a note, but the bit "the thought that echoed through her mind" sounds a bit cliche. I've been reading a number of works about the forums and I've noticed that "echoed" seems to go with "thoughts" quite often. You might want to find another way of expressing that. Also, check your word choice. You have "against" after a gentle and subtle word like "whispering". This creates a contradiction here in the sentence. When a reader reads this, the two opposing ideas will cancel each other out, making the sentence seem bland to them.

She knew for a fact that it would be beautiful- she had been coming to this spot to watch the sunset since she was a child, and it never ceased to amaze her just how spectacular it was every time. It never failed her.

Every single day? Be more specific here.

The wind picked up a little, and she wrapped her arms around herself, shivering slightly in the sudden cold.

I'm a bit surprised that she doesn't seem to consider bringing a coat along. I'm pretty sure that she had an idea of how cold when she headed out.

A heavy overcoat suddenly dropped about her shoulders, though its owner then stepped back a little way, instead of folding her into his arms like he would have a bare three days ago, when she found out that he was going to leave her to go on a voyage to exotic climes that might take more than a year- his captain might have mentioned Cape Town and Bombay and Madagascar, but all she had overheard as she poured his beer was “away, far, far away”.

Whoa, run on sentence. I think you've crammed too many ideas here. A rule of thumb is that for each sentence, it should express only one idea. I've also found it awkward that you would use the overcoat to show how their romance changed in just three days.

Part of her was appalled at her behaviour, but that was the part that had told her she was foolish to get involved with him in the first place. “Him” being Alastor McKinsley, known to his crewmates as Singin' McKinsley, for his knowledge of the old tunes and his tendency to display such knowledge for the entertainment of himself and others whilst he worked was legendary aboard his ship the Desdemona.

"Work".

It was well-known fact that given a choice between the cold sea and a warm woman, the sea won out every time.

You sure?

With a seemingly herculean effort, she dragged her eyes from the clouds on the horizon to look deeply into the clouds in his eyes, those storm-grey eyes that had entranced her from the first moment of her acquaintance with him. Those storm-grey eyes that had promised her fun, mischief and good times for all.

This is also quite cliche. I don't really get it, do eyes really have that much of a significance in romances? It seems exaggerated to me.

Overall impressions:

I got real bored reading this (to the point that I had to go to the lounge room to play about 30 minutes of Devil May Cry 4 on my PS3 just to motivate myself to critique this. Grammatically, it's good and your word choice is sound overall, but it's how you've written this that really annoyed me. Their interaction was overwritten. It was one big glorified apology if you ask me, bringing very little insight on their relationship. Worse, it was made even longer with pointless descriptions that do little to drive the narrative forward, just merely to describe. In case you don't know, I would much rather watch an episode of "Home and Away" to see two people make out.

I suggest that you focus more on the background of the area (you mentioned calves, so I assume this is in some rural area?), the reasons as to why the are couples, the idea of land VS the sea and interaction with other characters, not just those two. Love is more than just physical attraction and heartbreak Castles. I think you are smart enough to realize that there are more complex themes when it comes to love, but from the way you've written the piece, it doesn't really show that.

Good luck.

Andy.

Thankyou Andy and Bittersweet - so so much, for reading this. It means a lot.
Lol, Andy. 'Calves' as in legs, not cows. Hehe. ^_^

Hey Castles! This is a review for being a winner, haha, but at this point I want to review your stuff anyway because I enjoy your writing.

In a few minutes, the sun would begin to set behind her, and she would be able to see the orange-gold and pinks reflected in the clouds

The end of this sentence is a little awkward, due to pinks being plural, and orange-gold being a combination of colors and singular. I think it would best here for you to just make pink singular, and then add more description to the pink, rather than implying there were a lot of pinks but only one orange-gold.

clumsy feet shuffling through the grass as he tripped over a hidden rock or three, swearing under his breath as he stubbed his toe.

That's a cute entrance.

A heavy overcoat suddenly dropped about her shoulders, though its owner then stepped back a little way, instead of folding her into his arms like he would have a bare three days ago, when she found out that he was going to leave her to go on a voyage to exotic climes that might take more than a year- his captain might have mentioned Cape Town and Bombay and Madagascar, but all she had overheard as she poured his beer was “away, far, far away”.

Ah! Too much to swallow! Too fast! This paragraph is too long. We readers are slow, and we need breathers before taking in new information. Break this paragraph up into at least two seperate sentences, or more if you can.

compressed as she did her best to ignore the man standing a step behind her [s]to her left[/s].

I don't think we really need to know that much detail. It doesn't really matter which side.

for his knowledge of the old tunes and his tendency to display such knowledge for the entertainment of himself and others whilst he worked was legendary aboard his ship the Desdemona.

The structure of this sentence is rather confusing. I had to read it twice to understand it. I think "was legendary" should follow "his knowledge of the old tunes", and then you could say "along with his tendency to display such knowledge for the entertainment of himself". It will make your meaning much more clear.

It was well-known fact that given a choice between the cold sea and a warm woman, the sea won out every time.

Why?! Bad logic there, sea people.

I'll forgive you Alastor. Truly. It's just that my heart's a little sore at you for not telling me, though my head understands why you have to go, Kathleen thought without taking her eyes from the horizon.

Could you put that in italics? I thought this was some weird internal speech or missed quotes first.

His eyes had never promised to stay. She should have known better than to hope that he might.

He would make promises, not his eyes. It just sounds a little weird,

Overall

This was a very adorable story. I "squee'd" and "awww'd" many times! I can't imagine a male would enjoy it very much, but all stories have their demographics, no? Anyway, the plot is a tad bit cliche - a woman with child saying farewell to a man that must go to sea. It's been done before, many times before, so I can't give you a point with originality. What I can say, though, is that this was written very well. Your descriptions are very lovely, and I really enjoy your style of writing - very sweet and simplistic, with occasionally splashes of deep imagery. It's a very enjoyable read, and that's what you should focus on more - you wrote something very nice.

Having read your other stuff, I know you have it in you to be more original. So this is a lovely story written of a cliche - not too terrible.

Also, is something you're going to continue with? If this is a stand-alone piece, it may be doomed to cliche. If you have a past and a future for this story, then it has a lot of potential to go many places. It really all depends on what you have in mind.

Lovely writing, Castles.

PM me whenever you want to.

~ Clo

Thank you so much for reading, Clo!
Well, I was actually going to just leave it as a standalone story. But now you've raised that point, I might consider extending it...

Hey, Castles! Of course I would review this for you. I love reading anything of yours. I am happy to help

When she found out that he was going to leave her to go on a voyage to exotic climes, that might take more than a year.

Okay, two things here. 1. What is a climes? I'm guessing another word for climate, huh? Yeah... my vocabulary is bad...

“Will y'ever forgive me Kathleen?” he asked suddenly, the light baritone of his voice uncharacteristically nervous.

Comma after "me" here

She refused to speak, knowing her voice would come out in a despicable quaver, and she hated to let him see her moments of weakness.

I'm not sure I favor the use of "despicable" here. Seems too modern. I suggest something more fancy and traditional.

Look at me, not your mistress! She almost wanted to shout, but she knew how ludicrous such an exclamation would sound, and so held her tongue as he licked his lips, as though preparing himself to say something to her.

Love, love, LOVE this line about the mistress. Couldn't have used a better way to say it. It so fits everything and how he acts. And did I mention that I loved it?

“I won't promise to wait for you Alastor McKinsley,” she said suddenly, in a much firmer voice than before.

Comma after "you" here.

“I will be alright Alastor. I'm a grown woman and I can look after myself. When the baby comes, I will stay at my sister's- she already promised to take me in, when I told her what had come to pass.”

Comma after "alright"

“I'll give you a year, Alastor. Your bairn will be born by then, and your ship should have at least turned her nose for home. If I receive no word after a year and a day, then I will consider you dead to me, whether you've drowned or left me for some island doxie, I will not care for the difference, I shall consider you dead to me in either case.”

Whoa! In the beginning, your MC was so fragile about the whole thing, but suddenly, she is this strong independent woman willing to raise a child on her own... I'm not sure I like this happening so quickly Maybe find a way to slowly have her evolve into this person. Maybe have him say something that makes her resolution come clear so that she must turn cold against him. Thoughts to consider, I guess

“I'm alright, never ye worry Katie! This year'll seem long without ye, but just y'wait, I'll be back in no time at all!”

Comma after "worry"

She should have known better.

Ah... so I'm guessing this means he doesn't return That's too bad... he was growing on me

~ ~ ~ ~

Again, Castles, your stories are breathtaking. You have such a wonderful tale woven here. I just wish that I could be more help as a critique-r instead of a praiser hehe

Anyway, just consider my comments on your MC and how her personality changed over the course of the story. Otherwise, wonderful job!

Language: WOW. I mean, seriously, you have such a way with words, it paints the pictures vividly and you use the least boring words. But I have a slight issue with the repetition of the word that. As Anthony Eaton has told me, ‘that’ is the worst word in the alphabet. Used rarely it does it’s job (whatever it is) but when used too much it not only disrupts flow, but completely destroys the writing piece itself. It is good in small measure, but repeating it for lack of better words, is just terrible. In your case, you have used it too much. Try this: do the ‘find’ function [ctrl F] and strikethrough/bold/underline/colour each ‘that’ you find, read it back to yourself without these, then read it back with the ‘that’ and you will find it does not need to be there. Of course it will in certain places, but your writing will suffer if you do not do something about those that’s!

Setting: very strong. But is the track supposed to symbolise something? If it does… well, I’m fairly sure I got it, but if not, well, it should. But are they on some kind of lookout? If so – describe it.

Characters – she was good. But they both need more work, as in the ‘description’ department. What colour hair? Fierce/soft/gentle eyes? Weathered, leathery skin for him? Smoking handsome? Is she petite and pretty or fat and gorgeous? Full lips? Jutting out jaw? I can’t imagine anything.

Senses – what do they hear? Feel? Think? See? Get the senses out there –when he touches her, does her skin ripple with tension or does he make her mad? She, in all honesty, fell flat because her emotions were not given to her in a way that gave her much of a strong voice.

Content: wonderful. With tweaking this would be great! It is great the way it is now, and was definitely a worthy read. Goodluck in the future.