Young Writers Society

Sooo it's been a while since my last poem. I am feeling a bit rusty. Anywhoo tear it up guys.


Brick by brick,
these walls are coming down.
Dust filled air clogs my lungs,
am I breathing?
I cough, sputter, and gag again,
feeling the gritty texture in my mouth.
Each brick is heavier in my hands
as I pull them down, one by one.
My arms start to ache
my throat dries, cracking.
Goddess, is it worth this?
My head spins,
my vision swirling in front of me,
blinding me.
My hands become frantic,
reaching for more,
grasping at air.
I blink slowly,
the bright lights burn my eyes.
My fingers are bloodied,
I don't feel them anymore.
A silhouetted figure stands there,
stark black against the rising sun.
I stare at him,
he stares at me,
and I know, this was worth it.
This wall lies before me,
as broken as I once was.
I have broken it down,
don't make me build it again?

Hey Over!

I haven't read anything from you in a while, but this was great. I love dramatic poetry and this poem really has a voice. I especially like the question at the end, very powerful. This deserves a star and I couldn't find anything I would change.

Thanks for the read,

~Angel

"don't make me build it again?"
i totally don't understand this one.
whats it metaphorical for? is it metaphorical?
i get that its a struggle, but what are you fighting?
the grammar and patterns need a bit of work..
nice job

Well, now this was certainly metaphorical. It had it's hidden meanings and things and that's the way I like it to be. Well done on it.

Brick by brick,
these walls are coming down.
Dust filled air clogs my lungs, (Put a comma after 'air')
am I breathing?
I cough, sputter, and gag again, (Should be 'splutter')
feeling the gritty texture in my mouth.
Each brick is heavier in my hands (Cut the 'is' and put 'feels' there)
as I pull them down, one by one.
My arms start to ache
my throat dries, cracking.
Goddess, is it worth this? (You can add 'torture' at the end, but that's just my way)
My head spins,
my vision swirling in front of me, (Should be 'swirls')
blinding me.
My hands become frantic,
reaching for more,
grasping at air.
I blink slowly,
the bright lights burn my eyes.
My fingers are bloodied,
I don't feel them anymore.
A silhouetted figure stands there,
stark black against the rising sun. (I can just imagine this part)
I stare at him,
he stares at me, (How can you see if he stares if he is stark black?)
and I know, this was worth it. (Why?)
This wall lies before me,
as broken as I once was.
I have broken it down,
don't make me build it again? (Why the question mark?)

Well, as I said, it was a hood poem and it's hidden meanings were great. But I couldn't understand what you said at the end. It must be my own weakness not to understand it. So, your poem was good.

Good luck.

As was previously stated, I believe the metaphor is actually a bit obvious.

The answer to the question about the question mark; simply to show the near desperation of the narrator. It’s not a command; someone that was so frantically tearing down a wall to allow someone in wouldn't be then commanding them to stay by their side, no?

Instead I wanted to show how fragile she is, how unsure. By making it a question rather than a statement, I believed that made it a little more clear.


Thanks for the reviews guys, I will fix up the grammar pronto

The first thing I have to say is that I love the ending, the last about 7 lines. I don’t know if I interpreted them the way you meant, but that’s not what poetry is always all about is it? I’ve always seen it as something that should be as open to an individual’s own interpretation as possible. That’s what I love about it.

But anyway. I have to say, probably the biggest thing I noticed about this, besides the ending which definitely stood out the most, is the structure of your sentences. Because even though it’s not always strictly required in poetry, you did of course have actual sentences, as you know. So, when you do that, structure becomes important. I guess I should say sentence structure, since other kinds of structure are always important in poetry… But the reason I bring this up is because the structure you gave your sentences was such that it gave a good portion of the poem a kind of shopping-list feel to it. They’re all simple, subject predicate sentences. None of them start with a clause, none of them are complex, they’re all in general ways the same, especially after the first maybe three sentences. I think it would do a lot for this piece to have more diversity there.


The essential little picky things:

[quote=“OverEasy”]Dust filled[/quote]
dust-filled

[quote=”OverEasy”]My arms start to ache
my throat dries, cracking.[/quote]
You need some punctuation after ‘ache.’

[quote=”OverEasy”]I have broken it down,[/quote]
Generally I don’t see a problem using commas in poetry where you would otherwise need to use a period or semicolon, but in this spot I think you need something more substantial.


And I think that’s about it. I have to mention again, for me, the end makes this poem. And it’s not just the way I interpreted it, I promise. I think it’s that it’s so easy for anybody to interpret it into something that relates to them specifically, which is, again, one of the beauties of poetry.
So, fantastic job with that, and I hope this review is helpful.


Oh, btw, I pretty much agree with Chirantha's grammer suggestions, except, I didn't see any problem with the last three things he said, so *shrugs*

-Adna

Hey Overeasy. What's up.

Your first two lines introduce the poem well and establishes the metaphor in the poem. However, the next four lines seem rather useless. They are merely just descriptions to show to the reader that the narrator is suffering. But why is she suffering? What is she suffering from? Lines 7-9 seem pretty fine to me, though it would had been stronger if the previous lines before it had expressed to the reader as to why the narrator is suffering. Line 10 seems useless. The narrator's throat is cracking, so what?
Line 11 needs to be clarified. What on earth is this "goddess"? It seems to be in there and in italics as an attempt to make the poem more fancy. Line 12-21 is pretty much the idea of the narrator suffering being expressed again, but using different descriptions to show it. I'm still left with the question as to why she's suffering. The last few lines introduces a new character in the piece and shows who's the wall is sent up for, but to read the entire poem just to know about that? As a reader, I'm left rather disappointed.

The flaw in the piece is that most of the piece is made up descriptions, descriptions that only show one idea rather than help explain why the narrator struggles to break down the barrier between two couples. You could had rewritten this in only four lines (from what I've seen) and you would had expressed the idea of how difficult it is to forgive someone.

If you wish to improve on this poem, you need to ask yourself "Why am I having this poem? What else can I express to my audience regarding the theme at hand? Every word in a poem must have some relevance.

Good luck.
Andy.

Explanation for the word Goddess being thrown in there is fairly simple. The narrator of the poem would be myself, when I do as for spiritual guidance then I ask my Goddess. Wiccan thing, not meant to make it sound pretty or anything. Simply there for me I guess. Sorry if that threw you off

OverEasy wrote:Explanation for the word Goddess being thrown in there is fairly simple. The narrator of the poem would be myself, when I do as for spiritual guidance then I ask my Goddess. Wiccan thing, not meant to make it sound pretty or anything. Simply there for me I guess. Sorry if that threw you off

I actually quite like that idea Overeasy, but it just seems a bit detached from the poem since it's just summarized into one line. I think the poem would had more effective if you had cut out some of the describing and actually explain and expand this Goddess concept so that it doesn't seem to be just there (as well as the reason as to why the narrator is suffering).

Remember: Explain/ Expand > Describe.

When you are describing, you are only giving a detailed account. When you start explaining and expanding an idea however, you are helping the reader understand why certain events, behaviours and feelings happen so that they can relate to it better.

You have a good start here, but I think you can do better.

Hope you'll take this suggestion on board. Good luck.
Andy.

Brick by brick,
these walls are coming down.
Dust filled air clogs my lungs,
am I breathing?
I cough, sputter, and gag again,
feeling the gritty texture in my mouth.
Each brick is heavier in my hands
as I pull them down, one by one.
My arms start to ache
my throat dries, cracking.
Goddess, is it worth this?
My head spins,
my vision swirling in front of me, (Perhaps using spiraling, instead of swirling)
blinding me.
My hands become frantic,
reaching for more,
grasping at air.
I blink slowly, (how can you blink slowly?)
the bright lights burn my eyes.
My fingers are bloodied,
I don't feel them anymore. (this line bugs me.. Maybe use the word 'numb'?)
A silhouetted figure stands there,
stark black against the rising sun.
I stare at him,
he stares at me,
and I know, this was worth it.
This wall lies before me,
as broken as I once was.
I have broken it down,
don't make me build it again?




I really enjoyed this poem.. It has an inside meaning and it makes the reader feel... I love it!!!



*EmmaSweetie*

Hey hun,

I suck, I suck, I suck. I know. NaNo completely stole everything from me so it's been forever since I could get to this. But I'm doing it now!

Okay, I'm trying to decide if I like this at all. The brick wall metaphor is obvious, but that's not a problem. The shadowed figure, everything you give me, it's all very clear and easy to understand. To be honest, I'd like to have seen more from you, Tale. Yes, the simplistic method works on occasion, but I definitely think you could do better.

Your description is good, but you have little effective imagery. Your tone is stilted and lacks the emotion I think you were trying to put in here. The progression is done well; it's an escalation and plateau, and that definitely works well for what you’re doing.

Brick by brick, < I’m not sure I like this as a beginning line. There’s nothing particularly wrong with it, I just like your second line better.
these walls are coming down.
Dust filled air clogs my lungs, < Why “filled air” here? It seemed superfluous.
am I breathing?
I cough, sputter, and gag again, < I don’t particularly like this line, it’s very Spartan, but seems to fit what your tone has.
feeling the gritty texture in my mouth. < I don’t like this line at all. You don’t need it at all and the sound of it just doesn’t fit in my head. Perhaps you could mix the two lines? “I cough, sputtering grit, gagging.”?
Each brick is heavier in my hands
as I pull them down, one by one. < I think you can mix this with the line above for more effectiveness. “I pull them down, hunched with weight."
My arms start to ache < “One by one, my arms start their ache” might suit this better, with the above revision.
my throat dries, cracking.
Goddess, is it worth this?
My head spins,
my vision swirling in front of me, < I think you can revise and connect this line with the others. “Vision swirling, my head spins/ I am blind”?
blinding me.
My hands become frantic,
reaching for more,
grasping at air. < Again, I think you can combine the above three into something shorter, harder. I think you’re losing emotion for me because it feels like you’re dawdling. You’re using more than you need to say what you mean.
I blink slowly,
the bright lights burn my eyes. < “Bright lights burning.”?
My fingers are bloodied,
I don't feel them anymore.
A silhouetted figure stands there,
stark black against the rising sun. < I think this might sound a little better as “He stands there/silhouetted against the rising sun.”
I stare at him,
he stares at me, < I’d delete these two lines, they don’t add anything to your poem.
and I know, this was worth it. < I’d take out “and I know,” just because I like the conviction in the shorter statements which I suppose is obvious in my suggestions.
This wall lies before me,
as broken as I once was. < Here I would suggest something a little shorter, again, instead of the two lines; “There is no wall before me.” Because you go on to mention how “you” have broken it and I don’t think that repetition worked for you.
I have broken it down,
don't make me build it again? < I don’t like this line much at all. Up until this point you’re all conviction, a little wavering with memory and with how hard it is, but then you hit here and it’s a sudden plea. Against the poem itself it feels pathetic and soft. You’ve slipped from “he” to “you” which I think is a bad idea; it is turned into a personal and you’d do better to keep the tone of the rest of the poem. I just don’t like the line at all. I’d have preferred had you left it at the line before this.

In the end I’m still not sure if I like it. As it is, I’m not overly fond of it, but if you edit it, I think I’d like it more. As always, I’m just making suggestions, feel free to ignore me on them.

Good luck with it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I like it very nice.

There is a few parts I don't like though...

am I breathing?

I sent it in for one of my school projects with these Italics. She wrote a freakin' essay on why not to do that!!! So if you hand it in, don't do that...(yeah right)

I cough, sputter, and gag again,

The gag doesn't work for me. I'd replace it with another word.

Goddess, is it worth this?

You can actually write it in a normal stance.

I stare at him,
he stares at me,
and I know, this was worth it.
This wall lies before me,
as broken as I once was.
I have broken it down,
don't make me build it again?

This is really cliche to me. No offense. The question mark at the end is not really necessary.

All in All I liked it.

Hello there, OverEasy!

I like the title of this poem. However, I felt like the poem was a little all over the place – there were little things here, others there, and everything didn't really connect with everything. It might be easier to divide it into stanzas, so you can define the meanings of certain parts better.

My hands become frantic,

reaching for more,

grasping at air.

This part is good; I like the despair. It just seems a little odd that the hands become frantic. Maybe you should replace the verb with something else. For some reason, I read the first line "My hands become fanfic"

My fingers are bloodied

Bloodied? Can you say this?

don't make me build it again?

You said that the question mark is only to show the narrator's insecurity and despair, but you could bring that up other ways, too, through the poem. Showing it with the question mark isn't that good idea, because the reader will only be left wondering what was the function of it – instead of being blown off by your wonderful poem. And you don't want that, right?

I would've liked to feel more, really become as desperate as the narrator. Unfortunately, this time it didn't happen. But still, keep writing! You have the potential.


Demeter xxx