Carved Bone - Chapter 1 part 1 - Edited

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Ok... This is my first vampire story. I need all the help i can get. Cheers.

- Thanks Firestalker!
- Thanks Lord Anzius!

Chapter 1 - Pure blood - EDITED

Take a look at your perfect world! What would you do if it crumble into pieces because of what you just found out? What would you do? Stay and fight your fears? I don’t think so. You hide behind your fake smile, your cheap business suit trying to make a worth of your miserable life.
“Humans are the most intelligent beings of this world.” What a lie, but still for you it’s the truth. Nothing can shatter your thoughts, but what if I told you that among us live creatures – vampires, werewolves, demons.
“Oh great! She`s nuts!” you would say and maybe make a step back and gaze upon me with a “you-so-need-help” kind of look. I don’t care!
You can torture me, scream at me and try to convince me that there`s no such thing, but I`m actually the proof of that yet unknown world, the only one that doesn’t want to kill you… for now.
You gaze at my scars that mark my face, my shoulder, my neck. You raise an eyebrow in surprise when you see that feral glow in my eyes. You guess, you think of what I can be.
Take a seat and listen. Listen to my story that will shake the unbeatable kingdom of humans.

***

The boredom of three math hours left me half asleep at my desk with the pencil in my numb hand strangely pointed towards the teacher. My head covered the complex diagram and the math problem that we were trying so hard to solve. A stream of saliva coursed from my open mouth on my summing book. Underneath my head I could feel the ball pen pressing against my temple. The painful pressure was the only thing that kept me … awake.
The teacher, Ms. Katano, hated kids and kids hated her so it was a mutual feeling. She should have never seen the inside of a class room. The words that she spoke with a vicious regularity were encrusted in my head and they rang every math hour: “You are a moron. A stupid child.”
“Alexa Faith! “ I heard my name howled with a thundering voice that ripped me off from my latent state. I violently jumped in the seat and turned my sight at the teacher. I couldn’t believe her similitude with a cow, a pig and a frog altogether.
A wave of stifled heat stroke me in the face and the smell of sweat turned my nose up. The blackboard was filled with mathematical schematics and sums and the poor student that was put to make the problem was covered in chalk dust. The teacher stood in front of the only opened window blocking with her mass the fresh air that was intended to come in.
“Stupid child! I don’t know why your parents made you. Stupid!” So the day came she visited her venomous words on me, and such anger welled within me. All the students that were in the class room turned their sardonic smiles at me; from the back I heard giggles. I felt how my blood started to burn in my veins. I clenched my fist in my pocket. Tears blurred my sight not of shame but of rage.
I heard my best friend, Kress, whispering me to calm down and I did. After 10 minutes of torment the bell rang marking my scanty freedom of the night. I raised my backpack on my shoulder and mended my pace towards the exit not forgetting to throw a strange look at the teacher.
I slipped through the noisy group of teenagers and went outside in the courtyard. The night was so silent. Not too cold, not too dark just perfect for me. I enjoyed the cool air and took a deep breath to oxygenate my brain. I heard Kress` voice behind:
“Hey! C`Mon! Will ya move? Tonight? For the love of God I seriously don’t want to die of old age!”
I smiled. I saw him making his way pushing, yelling and pushing some more. Finally after making some bruises and gathering some harsh words he made it outside. He stood in front of me smiling at me.
“Eventually I`m gonna get killed in that! “ He made a move with his head showing me the crowd that was trying to get out on a humble door.
Kress was the only one that knew me, he was the only one that I could tell a secret. He became my friend the day that I came in that high school, three years ago. He was the first to offer to show me the school. He is like my big brother now. He protects me from bullies and I protect him from his way of getting in trouble. Plus: he lives up to his name “Kress Rogue” and steals every single… exam result. In these three years our friendship grew stronger as we had to over come family problems. My parents divorced, his father got married to another woman so it was quite a struggling.
He was the rebel boy of the school. Wearing always black clothes, short spiked hair and shade glasses that covered his green eyes. Well build for a guy that doesn’t like sport and fast, maybe cause he had to run from the principle`s office every time he stole the results.
Every day every one gazed upon us at school like we had name tags “Alexa Faith – outcast” and “Kress Rogue – outcast”.
After a while I got used to it and I became invulnerable to their gossips and continued with my life, as common as a life could be.
“I need your chemistry book, Kress. Could I borrow it `till tomorrow?” I asked on the way home.
“Sure, `Lex!” He said. We took a turn to the left to his home. A usual house, identical with the others in the neighborhood. The little fence walled the garden filled with roses and tulips and in the middle of life a paved path led towards the door.
“Stay here! I don’t know if my parents are home… you know.” he said turning the key in the door and entering.
I nodded and turned, watching the deserted street. I stared at the shadow of a tree. I thought it moved.
Then I saw with the corner of my eye a movement. I clenched my fists and took a combat stance that I learned at my karate training. Two yellow eyes appeared near the tree where I saw the shadow. My blood freeze in my veins. I wanted to move but I was paralyzed. My heart banged against my chest, my ears started whiz. I hold my breath as the shadow moved again now appearing as a full shape. In front of me stood a creature, a werewolf. Its claws and fangs shined in the light of the street lamp. It looked like an over sized dog covered in grey fur, that walked in two but was leaned forward its front …hands almost touching the ground. His fangs were covered in clotted blood and its drools dripping from its muzzle.
I opened my mouth to scream but no sound came out.
It let out a roar and lunged at me. I covered my head with my hands and made a step back. I tripped and fell on the rocks grazing my back. I waited its claws to pierce my flesh. I heard a creak behind.
“What the heck are you doing down there?”
I took a deep breath and rose from the ground. I saw Kress holding his laugh.
“A rib will eventually break and you will die…. I saw… I tripped.” I said quickly looking around for any danger.
“Here`s your book. C`Mon! I`ll get ya home.” he passed and jumped the little fence.
You couldn’t know how happy I was that he was leading me home. If it wasn’t for him I would have became werewolf Pedigree. I knew what werewolves looked like. I saw them in a book at a library. I thought that they were just a mad dream of a mad human.
That night I didn’t sleep to well. Every sound, every creak made me shiver under my blanket. Every light and shade that moved in my room was considered a threat. I replied that scene in my head over and over again trying to convince myself that it was just a day dream, just a figment of my imagination. I turned my sight at the mirror on my wardrobe door and stared foolish at my own reflection. My blonde long hair was ravaged from the restless sleep and blue eyes injected. My large sleep-T-shirt uncovered my shoulder. My birthmark shined in the moonlight: a silver tear drop circled with red line.
“Am I crazy?”


***
So what do you think? :D
Last edited by Fellow on Fri Nov 07, 2008 7:36 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Okay here goes.

Part 1 of my crit


Take a look at your perfect world! What would you do if it crumble into pieces because of what you just found out? What would you do? Stay and fight your fears? I don’t think so. You hide behind your fake smile, your cheap business suit trying to make a worth of your miserable life.



Oooh nice,extremely marvelous beginning.


“Humans are the most intelligent beings of this world.” What a lie, but still for you it’s the truth. Nothing can shatter your thoughts, but what if I told you that among us live creatures – vampires, werewolves, demons.



I covered my head with my hands and made a step back. I tripped and fell on some rocks grazing my back.


I waited for its claws to pierce my flesh. I heard a creak behind.



I nodded and turned, watching the deserted street. I stare at the shadow of a tree. I thought it moved.
Then I saw with the corner of my eye a movement. I clenched my fists and took a combat stance that I learned at my karate training. Two yellow eyes appeared near the tree where I saw the shadow. My blood freeze in my veins. I wanted to move but I was paralyzed. My heart banged against my chest, my ears started to whiz. I hold my breath as the shadow moved again now appearing as a full shape. In front of me stood a creature, a werewolf. His claws and fangs shined in the light of the street lamp.
It let out a roar and lunged at me. I covered my head with my hands and made a step back. I tripped and fell on the rocks grazing my back. I waited its claws to pierce my flesh. I heard a creak behind.
“What the heack heck are you doing down there?”


Question is this in past or present tense?





Part 2


The boredom of three math hours left me half asleep at my desk with the pencil in my numb hand strangely pointed towards the teacher. My head covered the complex diagram and the math problem that we were trying so hard to solve. A stream of saliva coursed from my open mouth on my summing book. Underneath my head I could feel the pen pressing against my temple. The painful pressure was the only thing that kept me … awake.

Okay so here the readers feels how she feels and sees the same, but they cant see beyond the book. Whats in the room, you haven't described it.


“Stupid child! I don’t know why your parents made you.” So the day came she visited her venomous words on me, and such anger welled within me. I felt how my blood started to burn in my veins. Tears blurred my sight not of shame but of rage.

That's it? There are many things one feels when a teacher scolds you for almost nothing. Trust me i know :P, Like we clench our fists and try to avoid eye contact but also try not to look away. We feel as if there were a thousand eyes watching us, we feel humiliated, angry and we feel as if we want to kick the teacher in her/his face etc.


I slipped through the noisy troop of teenagers and went outside in the courtyard. The night was so silent. Not too cold, not too dark just perfect for me. I heard Kress` voice behind:
“Hey! C`Mon! Will ya move? Tonight? For the love of God I seriously don’t want to die of old age!”
I smiled. I saw him making his way pushing, yelling and pushing some more. Finally after making some bruises and gathering some harsh words he made it outside. He stood in front of me smiling at me.

So she's outside, at night after school, or some class?
Also wont most people feel a cold feeling when they exit a room not air conditioned?
I do, though i don't know about others.



Kress was the only one that knew me, he was the only one that I could tell a secret. He became my friend the day that I came in that high school, 3 years ago. I`ll never forget that look on his face as I took a seat next to him. His dark hair and green eyes gave him a strange malefic look. Every one gazed upon us every day at school like we had name tags “Alexa Faith – outcast” and “Kress Rogue – outcast”.

Well that's not a excellent good description, it need a special element explaining why exactly they did become such good friends, but its good enough.


“Stay here! I don’t know if my parents are home… you know.” he said turning the key in the door and entering.

No, i don't know, will anyone who reads this? Or is that how its supposed to be?


I hold my breath as the shadow moved again now appearing as a full shape. In front of me stood a creature, a werewolf. His claws and fangs shined in the light of the street lamp.
It let out a roar and lunged at me.

Okay, you seriously need to give the reader a feeling as if the werewolf is right in front of him/her. More description might do it, or you could tr to explain more about the feeling she got by coming face to face with a mythical creature long thought extinct by werewolf believers.
Yes, I know that fantasy readers who don't know what a werewolf looks like should be put to death, but that does not mean you don't have to explain how it looks like. And also the feeling, what would you do if you were face to face with a werewolf or at least a thief?





“A rib will eventually break and you will die…. I tripped.” I said looking around for any threat.

Wait whats does that sentence mean, is it a threat a joke or what?



That night I didn’t sleep. Every sound, every creak made me shiver under my blanket. Every light and shade that moved in my room was considered a threat.


And what else? Is that it describe the feeling of horror, or fascination, or fear okay.


Help!

The last word sucks by the way, it doesn't go with you story and i personally cant believe you wrote it.




I like it and i would love to read the rest. It is definitely an original masterpiece. PM me when the next part comes out.
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Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"




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I must say that was a really nice beginning. It drew me in. I just didn't have a chance of resistance, but I will continue onward. Now that I am interested I now have 3! count them 3! Regular reviewing. Which means that once you start part 2, I will be there to read it and review it, and on and on.... you know what I mean.

i do have a question though. Will this be a werewolf love story, a vampire love story or werewolf/vampire love story? Or is it something else? I can't wait. I hope it'll be with werewolves. There are just too many vampire love stories. I only got to read one good werewolf love story "Blood and Chocolate" it was a lot better than the movie. Well anyways that's what I hope.
I really like the characters Alex and Kress. I especially like how you described them at the beginning part, nice job. It was really fluent with the story. That's always a good thing. I am also surprised that you should a 'creature' in the fist chapter! That brought some mystery into the story which was a nice touch. You created a lot of interest in the chapter so the reader wouldn't get bored; which is hard, since the early chapters are sometimes boring, and make it so that not a lot of people read, even though it is a great book. I can't wait for more, PM me once you added more.
Good luck with Chapter 2 :D
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Okay.

Here it is:

The boredom of three math hours left me half asleep at my desk with the pencil in my numb hand strangely pointed towards the teacher. My head covered the complex diagram and the math problem that we were trying so hard to solve. A stream of saliva coursed from my open mouth on my summing book. Underneath my head I could feel the pen pressing against my temple. The painful pressure was the only thing that kept me … awake.


SO exactly, where was then pen?

slipped through the noisy troop of teenagers


Troop? Say group instead.

3 years ago. I`ll never forget that look on his face as I took a seat next to him.


Everything under 20 should be written with letters. SO three instead of 3.

His claws and fangs shined in the light of the street lamp.


how does she know it's a HE? And a werewolf is not a HE it is an IT.
what did the werewolf look like?

What did your MC look like? What did her friend look like?

What did their teacher look like?

DESCRIBE!!!!!!!!!


But altogether it was fine.
Great work 8)

*********************************************************************************

LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE :smt029
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Take a look at your perfect world!


I think this would be better and less overly dramatic if you took out the exclamation mark.


What would you do if it crumble into pieces because of what you just found out?


This would make more sense if you reworded it. Perhaps, What if the things you found out made it crumble into pieces? What would you do?


You hide behind your fake smile, your cheap business suit trying to make a worth of your miserable life.


How can a cheap business suit make your life worthy? Lol, change. ^_^


Nothing can shatter your thoughts, but what if I told you that among us live creatures – vampires, werewolves, demons.


This would work better as two sentences and slightly reworded. Nothing can shatter your thoughts. But what if I told you that strange creatures live among us? Vampires. Werewolves. Demons.


“Oh great! She`s nuts!” you would say and maybe make a step back and gaze upon me with a “you-so-need-help” kind of look.


In “she’s”, you need an apostrophe. This: . Not `. That isn’t an apostrophe. ^_^ Change it in other places as well.



You can torture me, scream at me and try to convince me that there`s no such thing, but I`m actually the proof of that yet unknown world, the only one that doesn’t want to kill you… for now.
You gaze at my scars that mark my face, my shoulder, my neck. You raise an eyebrow in surprise when you see that feral glow in my eyes. You guess, you think of what I can be.
Take a seat and listen. Listen to my story that will shake the unbeatable kingdom of humans.


This is very over the top. It’s like you’re exaggerating too hard to make your point. It seems like you’re trying to be stirring and say about how your character is so fierce and strange and everything, but you’re shoving it in our faces. It just makes me tune out. Try and be more subtle, and not have the main character talk to the reader in first person and spell out exactly what kind of super being they are. It’s not polite. ^_^



The boredom of three math hours left me half asleep at my desk with the pencil in my numb hand strangely pointed towards the teacher.


Ooh, long sentence. This is the first sentence of this new part, so we’ve got to be able to get it and remember it. A short one is better. Also, why is her hand numb?


A stream of saliva coursed from my open mouth on my summing book.


A “stream” of saliva that “coursed” creates a really, really gross picture. Like she’s got a great tidal wave of spit coming out of her mouth. >< Reword to something like, A thin string of saliva dribbled from my open mouth onto my maths book. I assume that by “summing book” you mean maths book, but “summing book” doesn’t make sense.



Underneath my head I could feel the ball pen pressing against my temple.


If the pen is against her temple, then it stands to reason that it’s under her head, so take out the bit in bold.



The painful pressure was the only thing that kept me awake.


You don’t need the ellipsis.


The teacher, Ms. Katano, hated kids and kids hated her so it was a mutual feeling.


Take out the bit in bold. If she hates them and they hate her, duh it must be mutual.


The words that she spoke with a vicious regularity were encrusted in my head and they rang every math hour: “You are a moron. A stupid child.”


“Encrusted”? Weird! Change to another word. “Stuck” will do fine. ^_^


“Alexa Faith! “ I heard my name howled with a thundering voice that ripped me off from my latent state.


If her name is howled, then it must be in a loud voice… You don’t need to repeat yourself so much. ^_^ It is, in the words of Gyr, redundant, darling. I’d reword to something like, The sheer volume of the voice ripped me from my sleepy state. “Latent” doesn’t seem quite the right word to use here, and the rst of it was rather awkwardly worded.


I violently jumped in the seat and turned my sight at the teacher.


This would flow much better as I jumped violently in my seat and turned to face the teacher.


I couldn’t believe her similitude with a cow, a pig and a frog altogether.


We’ve got the fact that we don’t like the teacher. You can’t make every “bad” character look like a monster, because it just isn’t realistic. I would probably hate the teacher a lot more if she was sweet-voiced and pretty while still being horrible.


A wave of stifled heat stroke me in the face and the smell of sweat turned my nose up.


This would be better reworded. Something like, A wave of heat struck me in the face and I wrinkled my nose at the smell of sweat.



The blackboard was filled with mathematical schematics and sums and the poor student that was put to make the problem was covered in chalk dust.


I really don’t understand this sentence.



The teacher stood in front of the only opened window blocking with her mass the fresh air that was intended to come in.


Better reworded. Perhaps as, The teacher stood in front of the only open window, her large body blocking the fresh air.



“Stupid child! I don’t know why your parents made you. Stupid!” So the day came she visited her venomous words on me, and such anger welled within me.


This makes it sound like it’s the first time the teacher has shouted at her. If it is, then all right, but it would still be better reworded.



All the students that were in the class room turned their sardonic smiles at me; from the back I heard giggles.


“Sardonic” doesn’t seem the right word to use. Smug teenagers don’t smile in a “grimly jocular” way.



I felt how my blood started to burn in my veins. I clenched my fist in my pocket. Tears blurred my sight not of shame but of rage.


This would be better reworded. Take out the first bit and make it something like, I clenched my fist in my pocket and tears of rage blurred my sight.



After 10 minutes of torment the bell rang marking my scanty freedom of the night.


Always write numbers out. “10” should be “ten.” Reword to something like, After ten more minutes of torment the bell rang, marking my scanty freedom of the night. I’m not sure that “scanty” is the right word to use.


I raised my backpack on my shoulder and mended my pace towards the exit not forgetting to throw a strange look at the teacher.


Reword to something like, I slung my backpack onto shoulder and wended my way towards the exit. That thing about the “strange look” is out of place. “Strange”?



Not too cold, not too dark just perfect for me.


Put a dash between “dark” and “just.”

I enjoyed the cool air and took a deep breath to oxygenate my brain.


Okay, weird, weird, weird. ^_^ “Refresh my brain” perhaps?



I heard Kress` voice behind:
“Hey! C`Mon! Will ya move? Tonight? For the love of God I seriously don’t want to die of old age!”


Wrong apostrophe thingie again. You do it right on “don’t”.



Finally after making some bruises and gathering some harsh words he made it outside.


“Making” would be better as “getting”.



He stood in front of me smiling at me.


Repetition of “me” is bad. Make it, He stood in front of me, smiling widely.



He became my friend the day that I came in that high school, three years ago.


“In” would be better as “to”.


In these three years our friendship grew stronger as we had to over come family problems.


“Over come” is one word – “overcome.”


My parents divorced, his father got married to another woman so it was quite a struggling.


“… so it was quite a struggle” makes more sense.


Wearing always black clothes, short spiked hair and shade glasses that covered his green eyes.


This would be better reworded to something like, He always wore black clothes and shaded glasses that covered his green eyes. This is rather unrealistic – he ALWAYS wears shades?


Well build for a guy that doesn’t like sport and fast, maybe cause he had to run from the principle`s office every time he stole the results.


“Cause” should be “because”.



After a while I got used to it and I became invulnerable to their gossips and continued with my life, as common as a life could be.


So she doesn’t mind it when they talk nastily about her, but she almost starts crying because the teacher shouted at her?



“I need your chemistry book, Kress. Could I borrow it `till tomorrow?” I asked on the way home.


Same wrong apostrophe.



“Sure, `Lex!” He said.


Wrong apostrophe, and you need a small “h” on “he”.



The little fence walled the garden filled with roses and tulips and in the middle of life a paved path led towards the door.


Reword as, A little fence walled the garden that was filled with roses and tulips. In the middle of the lawn, a paved path led towards the door.



“Stay here! I don’t know if my parents are home… you know.” he said turning the key in the door and entering.


Comma instead of full stop at the end of the dialogue.



Then I saw with the corner of my eye a movement. I clenched my fists and took a combat stance that I learned at my karate training.


How come she just happens to have karate training?



My blood freeze in my veins.


“Freeze” should be “froze”, but you should get rid of this sentence anyway, as it’s very clichéd.


My heart banged against my chest, my ears started whiz.


“Started whiz” doesn’t make sense.



I hold my breath as the shadow moved again now appearing as a full shape.


“Hold” should be “held.”



In front of me stood a creature, a werewolf.


How does she know that it’s a werewolf when she’s never seen one before?



Its claws and fangs shined in the light of the street lamp.


“Shined” should be “shone.”



I waited its claws to pierce my flesh.


Should be, I waited for its claws to pierce my flesh.



I saw Kress holding his laugh.


Should be, I saw Kress trying not to laugh.



A rib will eventually break and you will die…. I saw… I tripped.” I said quickly looking around for any danger.


Take out the bolded part as it doesn’t make very clear sense.



“Here`s your book. C`Mon! I`ll get ya home.” he passed and jumped the little fence.


“C`Mon” should be “c’mon.” You need a capital letter on the “h” on “he.”



I knew what werewolves looked like. I saw them in a book at a library. I thought that they were just a mad dream of a mad human.


She saw them in a book in the library? There are a million and one different ideas and pictures about werewolves, and how could she pick up the one book that matches the thing she saw? And why is she so quick to believe that it really was a werewolf? Why doesn’t she wonder if it could be something else?


That night I didn’t sleep to well.


“To” should be “too.”


I replied that scene in my head over and over again trying to convince myself that it was just a day dream, just a figment of my imagination.


This reaction is better. “Replied” should be “replayed.”




I turned my sight at the mirror on my wardrobe door and stared foolish at my own reflection.


Reword this to, I turned over in the bed and stared at the mirror that hung in my wardrobe door, gazing foolishly at my own reflection.


My blonde long hair was ravaged from the restless sleep and blue eyes injected.


Uh, no. No. Not “ravaged.” “Rumpled” is the word you want.
“Blue eyes injected”? That doesn’t make any sense at all. To inject is to give someone a shot with a syringe. Also, this information about her appearance is out of place. Right now, we should be focusing on her fear and memory of the werewolf, not what she looks like.


My birthmark shined in the moonlight: a silver tear drop circled with red line.


Please take this out at once. Birthmarks are brown or red and usually rather ugly looking. They are not silver and red and formed into a pretty and mysterious shape. It’s just silly.



––––

Hi! I know all that ^ may seem harsh, but it's only to help you make the story as good as possible, sa? :)

A lot of the problems with your style can be improved by more practise. You don't have to outline every single thing and back it up and make it rightinyourface. You tend to repeat yourself, and that just gets boring.

Another problem is your Main Character (M/C). I suggest your run her through the Mary Sue Litmus Test. Some things in your story are really cliched, and cliches spell death for a good story.

-Alexa is an outcast, with only one friend, and no one understands her.

-Alexa is different to the other students in her class.

-Alexa has a strange and nice-looking birthmark on her shoulder.

All those points are very bad. They make a story dull. It's not realistic. Even though this is is fantasy, you've got to imagine that it could actually happen. People still behave and react in the same ways that they do in real life. The basic laws of nature still apply. Human biology is still human biology.

Don't get discouraged by this! You just need to practise and edit, and carry on. PM me if you have any questions!
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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Wow. I thought this was really good for a "first story about werewolves, vampires, etc." I, personally have never written one, and don't intend to any time soon, so I can't really go into that.

I hope Firestalker and Lord Anzius are proud of your descriptions now, because I though that they were excellent.

I thought your beginning was very capturing, and I liked the way you set it up. The conversational tone worked very nicely. When writing the rest of the story, make sure that everything is past tense, since the MC is telling a story that obviously took place in the past.

I apologize if I repeat anything that other reviewers have already pointed out. I read their reviews, but I don't remember exactly what they put so... Here goes.


What would you do if it crumble into pieces because of what you just found out?

"crumble" should be "crumbled." To give you another option on rewording, you could say, "What would you do if it crumbled into pieces because of what you had just found out?"


My head covered the complex diagram and the math problem that we were trying so hard to solve.

I would reword this to say, "My head covered the complex diagram and the unsolved math problem." Might flow better that way.

The teacher, Ms. Katano, hated kids and kids hated her so it was a mutual feeling.

I agree that you don't need "so it was a mutual feeling" but if you insist on keeping it, you need to put a comma between "so" and "it" because the clause after "so" could be a sentence by itself.

“Alexa Faith! “ I heard my name howled with a thundering voice that ripped me off from my latent state.

Omit "with a thundering voice" and make it, "I heard my name howled, ripping me off from my..."

The blackboard was filled with mathematical schematics and sums and the poor student that was put to make the problem was covered in chalk dust.

I think I understand what you're trying to say here, but I would reword it. Perhaps "The blackboard was filled with mathematical schematics and sums and the poor student that was selected to work the problem was covered in chalk dust." Hmmm. I might have to think on that. Good description by the way.

So the day came she visited her venomous words on me, and such anger welled within me.

UMM. I don't think that "visited" is the right word choice here. I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say.

I heard my best friend, Kress, whispering me to calm down and I did

Reword this to say, "I heard my best friend, Kress, whispering for me to calm down, so I did."


I raised my backpack on my shoulder and mended my pace towards the exit not forgetting to throw a strange look at the teacher.

I would use a word other than "strange" here. Maybe "menacing," or " a wicked glare."


Finally after making some bruises and gathering some harsh words he made it outside. He stood in front of me smiling at me.

I would say, "Finally, after bruising several people and gathering some harsh remarks, he made it outside. He stood in front of me, grinning." He just sounds like the kind of character that would grin. I don't know. You know him better than I.

Well build for a guy that doesn’t like sport and fast, maybe cause he had to run from the principle`s office every time he stole the results.

"build" should be "built" and you have traveled into fragment forest. Reword it a little. "He was well built and fast for someone who didn't like sports. Maybe he used his speed when he had to run from the principal's office every time he stole the results."

Then I saw with the corner of my eye a movement

I would rearrange this to say, "Then I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye."

My heart banged against my chest, my ears started whiz.

There are three ways you could revise this. 1. "...my ears started whizzing." 2. "...my ears started to whiz." 3. "my ears whizzed." Your choice.

It looked like an over sized dog covered in grey fur

Yaay! Someone else who spells "grey" with an "e!"


His fangs were covered in clotted blood and its drools dripping from its muzzle.

The first part of this sentence is excellent, but I would say "...and drool dripped from its muzzle."

I heard a creak behind

I would say, "I heard a creak from behind me."

Is your character a human? If not, she can have a silver birthmark. One of my characters is a dragon and she had a silver mark on the back of her neck, but I'm not sure I'll keep it.

Overall, great start. I like it so far. I'm looking forward to reading the rest. Oh, and *clears throat* why have you not posted more Avargorn? :x :D Please?


-Sea-
'Let's eat Grandma!' or, 'Let's eat, Grandma!' Punctuation saves lives.

Reviews? You know you want one. :)

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I haven't posted Avargorn `cause I`ve been busy and some chapters are working are hard to translate so I have to actually write them in english.
And to answer you question about the MC : She is not a human. In the following chapters you`ll see what I mean.


-Akayl
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.

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Fellow wrote:Ok... This is my first vampire story. I need all the help i can get. Cheers.

- Thanks Firestalker!
- Thanks Lord Anzius!

Chapter 1 - Pure blood - EDITED

[s]Take a look at your perfect world! What would you do if it crumbled into pieces because of what you just found out? What would you do? Would you stay and fight your fears? I don’t think so. You hide behind your fake smile, your cheap business suit trying to make a worth of your miserable life. Awkward, reword
“Humans are the most intelligent beings of this world.” What a lie, but still for you it’s the truth. Nothing can shatter your thoughts, but what if I told you that among us live creatures – vampires, werewolves, demons.
“Oh great! She`s nuts!” you would say and maybe make a step back and gaze upon me with a “you-so-need-help” kind of look. I don’t care!
You can torture me, scream at me and try to convince me that there`s no such thing, but I`m actually the proof of that yet unknown world, the only one that doesn’t want to kill you… Elipses are the bane of my existence! Please try to delete it :-) for now.
You gaze at my scars that mark my face, my shoulder, my neck. You raise an eyebrow in surprise when you see that feral glow in my eyes. You guess, you think of what I can be.
Take a seat and listen. Listen to my story that will shake the unbeatable kingdom of humans. [/s] Personally, I liked this but I really don't think you should put it in. It interrupts the flow of your writing (I read on and then deleted this). Start with the math class and go on from there. It's much more interesting if we stumble upon this world and are surprised instead of being told it exists before our discovery
***

The boredom of three math hours left me half asleep at my desk with the pencil in my numb hand [s]strangely[/s] pointed towards the teacher. My head covered the complex diagram and the math problem that we were trying so hard to solve. A stream of saliva coursed from my open mouth onto my summing book. Underneath my head insert comma I could feel the ballpoint pen pressing against my temple. The painful pressure was the only thing that kept me … awake. Again, take out the elipse
The teacher, Ms. Katano, hated kids and kids hated her so it was a mutual feeling. She should have never seen the inside of a class room classroom is one word . The words that she spoke with a vicious regularity were encrusted find a different word in my head and they rang every math hour: “You are a moron. A stupid child.”
“Alexa Faith! “ I heard my name howled with a thundering voice that ripped me [s]off[/s] from my latent state. I [s]violently[/s] jumped in the seat and turned my sight at the teacher. I couldn’t believe her similitude with a cow, a pig and a frog altogether. This felt random
A wave of stifled heat [s]stroke[/s] struck me in the face and the smell of sweat turned my nose up. The blackboard was filled with mathematical schematics and sums and the poor student that was put to make the problem was covered in chalk dust reword, it sounds awkward . The teacher stood in front of the only opened window blocking with her mass the fresh air that was intended to come in.
“Stupid child! I don’t know why your parents made you. Stupid!” [s]So the day came she visited her venomous words on me, and such anger welled within me.[/s] All the students that were in the class room turned their sardonic smiles at me; from the back I heard giggles. I felt [s]how[/s] my blood start[s]ed[/s] to burn in my veins, coursing with venemous hatred. I clenched my fist in my pocket. [s]Tears blurred my sight not of shame but of rage.[/s]
I heard my best friend, Kress, whispering me to calm down and I did. SHow us how her heart slows and how her breathing goes back to normal. Don't just tell us she's fine After 10 minutes of torment insert comma the bell rang insert comma marking my scanty freedom of the night It's night? I thought it'd be around 3ish? . I raised my backpack on my shoulder and mended Find a different word my pace towards the exit not forgetting to throw a strange look at the teacher.
I slipped through the noisy group of teenagers and went outside to the courtyard. The night was so silent. Not too cold, not too dark. Just perfect for me. I [s]enjoyed the cool air and [/s]took a deep breath to oxygenate my brain. I heard Kress` voice behind:
“Hey! C`Mon! Will ya move? Tonight? For the love of God I seriously don’t want to die of old age!”
I smiled. I saw him making his way pushing, yelling and pushing some more. Finally after making some bruises and gathering some harsh words he made it outside. From where? From in between the students? Show us what is going on. He stood in front of me smiling at me.
“Eventually I`m gonna get killed in that! “ He made a move with his head showing me the crowd that was trying to get out of the [s]on a humble [/s]door.
Kress was the only one that knew me I understand what you mean by this, but instead you should take it out and just say "Kress was the only one that I could tell secrets too , he was the only one that I could tell a secret. He became my friend the day that I came in that high school, three years ago. He was the first to offer to show me the school. He is like my big brother now. He protects me from bullies and I protect him from his way of getting in trouble. Plus: he lives up to his name “Kress Rogue” and steals every single… exam result. In these three years insert comma our friendship grew stronger as we had to over come family problems. My parents divorced, his father got married to another woman so it was quite a struggling. I don't think this background information should be stated like this because it felt kind of like an info dump. Spread it out. Focus on what's going on right now in this moment
He was the rebel boy of the school. [s]Wearing[/s] always wearing black clothes, short spiked hair and shade glasses that covered his green eyes. Well build for a guy that doesn’t like sport and fast, maybe cause he had to run from the principle`s office every time he stole the results. Watch your tenses. Everything is supposed to be in the past or at least that's what you were using in the first paragraphs
Every day every one everyone is one word gazed upon us at school like we had name tags “Alexa Faith – outcast” and “Kress Rogue – outcast”.
After a while I got used to it and I became invulnerable to their gossips and continued with my life, as common as a life could be.
“I need your chemistry book, Kress. Could I borrow it `till tomorrow?” I asked on the way home.
“Sure, `Lex!” He said. We took a turn to the left to his home. A usual house, identical with the others in the neighborhood. The little fence walled the garden filled with roses and tulips and in the middle of life a paved path led towards the door.
“Stay here! I don’t know if my parents are home… you know.” he said turning the key in the door and entering.
I nodded and turned, watching the deserted street. I stared at the shadow of a tree. I thought it moved.
Then I saw with the corner of my eye a movement. I clenched my fists and took a combat stance that I learned at my karate training. Two yellow eyes appeared near the tree where I saw the shadow. My blood froze[s]eeze[/s] in my veins. I wanted to move insert comma but I was paralyzed. My heart banged against my chest, my ears started whiz. I he[s]o[/s]ld my breath as the shadow moved again now appearing as a full shape. [s]In front of me stood a creature, a werewolf. [/s] The creature's claws and fangs shone [s]shined[/s] in the light of the street lamp. It looked like an over sized dog covered in grey fur, that walked in two but was leaned forward its front …hands almost touching the ground. His fangs were covered in clotted blood and its drool[s]s[/s] dripping from its muzzle.
I opened my mouth to scream but no sound came out.
It let out a roar and lunged at me. I covered my head with my hands and made a step back. I tripped and fell on the rocks grazing my back. I waited for its claws to pierce my flesh. I heard a creak behind.
“What the heck are you doing down there?”
I took a deep breath and rose from the ground. I saw Kress holding in his laughter .
“A rib will eventually break and you will die…. I saw… I tripped.” I said quickly looking around for any danger.
“Here`s your book. C`Mon! I`ll get ya home.” he passed and jumped the little fence.
You couldn’t know how happy I was that he was leading me home. If it wasn’t for him I would have became werewolf Pedigree. I knew what werewolves looked like. I saw them in a book at a library. I thought that they were just a mad dream of a mad human.
That night I didn’t sleep too well. Every sound, every creak made me shiver under my blanket. Every light and shade that moved in my room was considered a threat. I replied that scene in my head over and over again trying to convince myself that it was just a day dream, just a figment of my imagination. I turned my sight at the mirror on my wardrobe door and stared foolish at my own reflection. My blonde long hair was ravaged from the restless sleep and blue eyes injected. My large sleep-T-shirt uncovered my shoulder. My birthmark shone [s]shined[/s] in the moonlight: a silver tear drop circled with red line.
“Am I crazy?”


***
So what do you think? :D


Overall:

The Good: Interesting Idea! I like how she can see them but the others can't.

Stuff that Could Use Some Work:Show Us A Story: Showing versus telling. For example, instead of saying "I was angry" you should say "Rage coursed through my vains, filling me with hatred. My hands shook, my fingernails digging into my palms." See the difference? Show us what is going on instead of telling us.

Time?: I was confused as to the time. Usually a school day here is from 9-3 but if it's different from where this story is set you should clarify that so it doesn't confuse people.

The Three Ds: Detail, Description, and Dialogue. I think you need more of each. I want to see what her surroundings look like, what everything feels like. I want to hear her talk to people more. It's all about filling in the skeleton of a story you have here. Give us substance for us to base your world off of.

Other than that, good work! PM me if you have any questions!



Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
— G.K. Chesterton