Chapter Seven -- The Note and the News

Chapter Seven
The Note and the News

“I want this power switch to happen already” Rose said “I want to get out of this place.”

“I know, it won’t be long now” Sarah said “a few more minutes”

All three sisters stood by the pond awaiting the power switch to take place. Ripples danced across the pond from the wind blowing, it was getting chilly.

“Why does it have to be so hard, all of this?” Madeline said “I wish mom could be here, be here to help us, give us some direction.”

“We all do Madeline but she’s dead and so is our father, we have to do it on our own” Sarah said

“I know that but, I can hope can’t I?” Madeline said “I think sometimes that she can see us, is that silly?”

“No Madeline, it isn’t” Rose said “I think that too.”

“It’s about to happen” Sarah cut in, putting the power switcher on the ground.

They stood in a circle, holding each other’s hands. The triangular piece of metal that lay on the ground began to lift itself and spin slowly. It rose higher and higher reaching the level point of their foreheads. It started from a slow spin and turned into a rapid spin, making a whizzing noise. The tips glowed,
each an individual color of red, Rose’s power, green, Sarah’s power, and blue, Madeline’s power.

The powers rose from their chest and zapped into the power switcher, only now they didn’t faint. The power switcher spun so fast it now looked like a circle, the tips glowed and shot their powers back into them, knocking them to the ground.

Madeline was the first to get off the ground; she went to where her sisters were and extended both of her arms, helping them up.

“Are you O.K.?” Madeline said

“Yeah, I’m fine” Sarah said

“Me too” Rose said

“I feel like myself again” Madeline said “I feel great”

“Yeah I know, it feels good to have my power back” Rose said

“It does, but where do we go from here?” Sarah said “oh wait I know, mom will tell us.” She said looking at Madeline.

“You know Sarah, why do you have to always have to do that, I believe mom is watching over us.” Madeline said “she could contact us; we have encountered a ghost before.”

“Yes, but I just don’t believe that could happen, if mom had wanted to contact us from above, she would have sooner” Sarah yelled “Come on mom contact us, see Madeline, nothing.”

The words that come from Sarah’s mouth couldn’t be more wrong, the wind stopped and stillness swept over them like they had just gone deaf.

The puffy, white clouds above cleared and a bright light shone from above. A golden orb dropped from the sky and burst halfway down, a piece of old parchment fell from it and it floated down in sparkles of golden light. The piece of parchment landed in Madeline’s hand and she looked at it bewildered.

“Well, it looks like you were wrong Sarah.” Madeline said with a smirk

“It’s a letter” Rose said “What does it say?”

Madeline held the parchment up to her face and began to read the golden letters that were on it.

“My girls, more than ever I wish I could be with you. I died before I could teach you the history of our family and the history of magic. Your father and I have been watching over you, and we are so proud of you for the things you have done. Do you remember Mary and Xander? Well they are your protectors, well, at least Mary is, Xander is just along for the ride. There is so much that I want to say but I have to keep it short. After you give up your powers you’ll die and we can finally see each other again, but don’t worry, it’s painless. To Sarah, my dear Sarah, trust in your powers and take control of them, your grandmother had the power you have and she was worldly famous in the witch world. To Rose, you must let yourself free more, don’t be afraid to. You aren’t a little girl anymore who thought she knew it all, well that was always the problem, you did know it all. Lastly to my dearest Madeline, keep doing what you’re doing, keep everyone together like you always have, family is most important in these times of trouble. Also I think that I saw love in Xander’s eyes when he looked at you in the village, you should go for it. This is where I have to end my letter and say that I love you, keep strong my darlings.”

Tears welled in their eyes, they haven’t heard from their mother in over ten years and all of a sudden, this.

“Mom is right.” Madeline said, “We all could use some change.”

“Yeah, well, if we’re going to die…” Sarah started

“No, we don’t have to die, we’ll figure something out.” Rose said “We always do.”

“Well, if we even want the chance to almost die and live we have to go!” Madeline said “We still have a
long way to go you know.”

“Then let’s fly.” Rose said

One by one they lifted from the ground, and before Madeline took off, she shoved the note into her pocket. Once all three of them were in the sky the wind started to blow and dark clouds crept into view. A light sprinkle of rain danced down from the clouds but the staff’s shield protected then from getting wet.

“Lets raise up higher so no one sees us.” Madeline yelled so her sisters could hear over the howling wind.

They ascended into the dark clouds, that, once in them you could see fine. The sisters could hear the crackle and rumble of the lightning building up inside the clouds and became nervous.

They were all in a perfect row, their tunics flapping wildly behind them as they raced into the unknown places that awaited them. Rose could tell that Madeline had slowed a little and started to fall behind.

“Madeline!” Rose yelled with her head pointed backwards

She could see that Madeline’s head was in a droop and she panicked.

She turned her face back around and yelled to Sarah to help her, who was now a little farther than her.
And when she didn’t respond she looked back to help Madeline herself, only she wasn’t there.
Rose’s eyes glowed bright red and she used her own power to search for her.

She halted in the air and turned around with her eyes closed and zoomed downwards into a free fall. She could see everything in her mind and she located Madeline which was only minutes from crashing to the ground.

Rose’s whole body glowed red and the brightness that came from that filled the sky and blocked out the sun’s glow. This only happened to rose when she was using her power in a time of franticness and when she was petrified.

She opened her eyes and saw Madeline just out of her reach. The ground was nearing closer and closer and Madeline was no longer on her staff. Rose could tell that Madeline was having a really powerful premonition because her eyes were glowing blue and she only lost consciousness during one of her most powerful premonitions.

Five hundred feet.

Rose groped the air trying to get Madeline.

Four hundred feet

Rose went as fast as she could, reaching for Madeline, she wasn’t going to let her die because she
couldn’t go fast enough.

Three hundred feet

Her eyes widened and looked back to see if Sarah was nearby to help.

Two hundred feet

She felt sick and she wanted to vomit, her sister was surely going to die.

One hundred feet

Still descending, she started to weep, she would die trying to save her.

The ground came really quickly and rose closed her eyes, not wanting to see it coming. Then, a shout.
Rose with her eyes still closed, trembled. Slowly she opened them to see herself and Madeline inches from the ground and she gasped. They were surrounded by Sarah’s green light, she had saved them.
Rose looked into the sky and saw Sarah with her hand drew out and solid green, she wasn’t on her staff, but floating down on her own.

Madeline’s eyes still glowed blue and her face was emotionless. Rose and Madeline were in Sarah’s cast and could not move.

Seconds later Sarah touched the ground and let her sisters out from her cast, rose caught herself and Madeline fell on the ground, still.

“What happened?” Sarah frantically said, her heart beating through her tunic

“I was flying and I noticed that she was falling, I tried to call for you but you didn’t hear.” Rose said in one breath.

Well, I saved you just in time, I looked around and saw you two falling and I didn’t know what to do, so I just froze you in the spot you were in.” Sarah said “I’ve never felt power run through me like that before!”

“Me either!” Rose said “I could actually see what was going on in front of me without opening my eyes.”

Just then Madeline awoke and her mind looked blank, she looked to her sisters and said,

“Ruby is back.”

Cough.


---Jon---

This is a good beginning, you need to work on you punctuation though. Badly.

For example you need to fix you dialogue.

“Well, it looks like you were wrong Sarah.” Madeline said with a smirk
It should be a comma instead of a period.

“We all do Madeline but she’s dead and so is our father, we have to do it on our own” Sarah said
OK you need to put a period after said. Thats basic 101 .You also need to insert a comma after Own.

And you need to fix the rest.

The story line is good, try not to make it like Charmed though. You already have the three witches and the missing mother. So just try to make it original. Your doing great.
So if you have any questions PM me. Good kluck, and keep writing.

Thankyou!
and Good Kluck? -- haha!

Anyway, yeah...

...
This was one of my most horrifying chapters yet because I wrote half of it and then i waited like a month or two then finished it!

Did you read Chapters 1-6?


---Jon---

“I want this power switch to happen already” Rose said “I want to get out of this place.”

“I know, it won’t be long now” Sarah said “a few more minutes”

99.9% of the time when a person first speaks, there is a comma after their sentence. When I first read this I wanted to shoot somebody - you need punctuation after a piece of dialogue! Especially when the sentence is continued. And when Sarah speaks, you need a period after "a few more minutes." What you wrote should look like this:

"I want this power switch to happen already," Rose said. "I want to get out of this place."

"I know, [but] it won't be long now," Sarah said. "A few more minutes."

Another thing - Sarah is replying to Rose's statement, therefore you have an easy opening for using another word besides "said." You're supposed to not go overboard, adding a different tag to every line, but if you use "said" in the same exact context two sentences in a row, it's sort of boring, you know? It's not just this sentence, you did it multiple times in this chapter, but don't change it all! Just try to use words like, "reply" and "told" and "whined" and "complained." When know they said something, but how did they say it? And why? When? Where? What were they doing when they were saying these things?

=]

All three sisters stood by the pond awaiting the power switch to take place. Ripples danced across the pond from the wind blowing, it was getting chilly.

That ripples dancing across the pond thing was so nice and descriptive! But, semi-colon after chilly because although the two thoughts are connected, you either need a "so" or "and" (or something else) before "it was getting chilly," or you simply need to replace the comma with a semi-colon.

“Why does it have to be so hard, all of this?” Madeline said “I wish mom could be here, be here to help us, give us some direction.”

“We all do Madeline but she’s dead and so is our father, we have to do it on our own” Sarah said

“I know that but, I can hope can’t I?” Madeline said “I think sometimes that she can see us, is that silly?”

“No Madeline, it isn’t” Rose said “I think that too.”

Said, said, said, said, said. I shouldn't get in deeper with this, because I already ranted about it before. But in these pieces of dialogue you need commas and dashes and periods. My first case:

“Why does it have to be so hard, all of this?” Madeline said. “I wish mom could be here, be here to help us, give us some direction.”

“We all do Madeline, but she’s dead and so is our father. We have to do it on our own.” Sarah said.

“I know that, but I can hope, can’t I?” Madeline said. “I think sometimes that she can see us. Is that silly?”

“No Madeline, it isn’t,” Rose said. “I think that too.”

I bolded all the punctuation you needed and/or used incorrectly, but you may not be able to see it. I'm not going to point it all out to you, but I'm going to show you what the entire passages looks like with the correct punctuation, and how much better it looks.

"Why does it have to be so hard, all of this?" Madeline said. "I wish mom could be here, be here to help us, give us some direction."

"We all do Madeline, but she's dead and so is our father. We have to do it on our own." Sarah said.

"I know that, but I can hope, can't I?" Madeline said. "I think sometimes that she can see us. Is that silly?"

"No Madeline, it isn't," Rose said. "I think that too."

By the way, you sort of keep jumping into dialogue. Why don't you write out the background a little bit more? It's not like you totally neglect their surroundings, but truthfully, I don't really know where they are? Are they in the middle of nowhere, just standing near a pond? Are they in a grassy field, with a couple trees? Are they on the porch of their backyard, watching the tiny fishes swim on the edges of cobblestone? Where are these people?

“It’s about to happen.” Sarah cut in, putting the power switcher on the ground.

I bolded the period after "happen," and what the frick is a power switcher? You really need a better name for it. I thought it was like a box that people pull the handle on so the electricity comes back on. Power switcher?

They stood in a circle, holding each other’s hands. The triangular piece of metal that lay on the ground began to lift itself and spin slowly. It rose higher and higher reaching the level point of their foreheads. It started from a slow spin and turned into a rapid spin, making a whizzing noise. The tips glowed,

each an individual color of red, Rose’s power, green, Sarah’s power, and blue, Madeline’s power.

The powers rose from their chest and zapped into the power switcher, only now they didn’t faint. The power switcher spun so fast it now looked like a circle, the tips glowed and shot their powers back into them, knocking them to the ground.

Madeline was the first to get off the ground; she went to where her sisters were and extended both of her arms, helping them up.

Interesting. Anyway,

1) Omit the apostrophe in "other's" in the first sentence.

2) The second paragraph shouldn't be detached from the first. That was obviously an accident but you need to fix it =]

3) Do you really need to do that thing where you're like, "...red, Rose's power, green, Sarah's power, and blue, Madeline's power." First of all, I don't see any special need for us to know what color's they are. And the fact that they are different colors reminds me of a lot of different television shows out there, where the protagonists are color coded. Why don't you just make these blinding golden flashes or something? And please don't tell me the colors are associated with the elements like water, fire and earth. I will kill you. My fingers are crossed.

4) In the third paragraph you used the word "power switcher" twice. If that word was tangible I would punch it, I swear. Although your descriptions are nice, I still don't know where to picture these people - a backyard, a desert, a field? I might know if I read the previous chapters, but somebody should have told me to do that in their review request... Teehee. XD

“Are you O.K.?” Madeline said

“Yeah, I’m fine” Sarah said

“Me too” Rose said

“I feel like myself again” Madeline said “I feel great”

“Yeah I know, it feels good to have my power back” Rose said

“It does, but where do we go from here?” Sarah said “oh wait I know, mom will tell us.” She said looking at Madeline.

“You know Sarah, why do you have to always have to do that, I believe mom is watching over us.” Madeline said “she could contact us; we have encountered a ghost before.”

Turn "O.K." to "Okay." It's not that it's grammatically incorrect, but it's one of my largest pet peeves. And your punctuation still sucks here. What irks me is that you have great punctuation everywhere else, but when you write dialogue it's like it skips your mind. And seriously, you have eight "said" tags. In eight paragraphs. And one doesn't even have "said" in it. We get it! They're SAYING things! But seriously, I'm starting to think these super-basic dialogue tags are the only ones you know. And you know, sometimes you don't even have to use a tag like that. You could just replace it with an action, like so:

"You know Sarah, why do you have to always do that? I believe Mom is watching over us." Madeline pouted/frowned/crossed her arms. "She could contact us; we have encountered a ghost before."

I'm obligated to fix your sucky dialogue punctuation =] I'm not going to quote it again, because that takes too much time, so I'm going to show you what it looks like when you write it correctly. By the way, I just noticed this, but you aren't punctuating your TAGS. What you're doing is making your scenes just one super-giant run-on sentence.

“Are you O.K.?” Madeline said.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Sarah said.

“Me too.” Rose said.

“I feel like myself again,” Madeline said “I feel great.”

“Yeah, I know, it feels good to have my power back,” Rose said.

“It does, but where do we go from here?” Sarah said. “Oh wait, I know. Mom will tell us.” She said, looking at Madeline.

“You know Sarah, why do you have to always have to do that? I believe Mom is watching over us,” Madeline said. “She could contact us; we have encountered a ghost before.”

And Mom is capitalized because she's a proper noun. Now, I want you to really look at this, and not just think, "That's practically the same thing I just wrote. I'm not going to look at what she actually fixed." Look at it! Study it! Compare it! What's wrong with yours, and what's right with mine? And after you're done reading my review, go read some articles on writing dialogue. It's a large part of your chapters, and your chapters can't be good if a large part of them aren't written correctly, sweetheart.

“Yes, but I just don’t believe that could happen, if mom had wanted to contact us from above, she would have sooner” Sarah yelled “Come on mom contact us, see Madeline, nothing.”

The words that come from Sarah’s mouth couldn’t be more wrong, the wind stopped and stillness swept over them like they had just gone deaf.

The puffy, white clouds above cleared and a bright light shone from above. A golden orb dropped from the sky and burst halfway down, a piece of old parchment fell from it and it floated down in sparkles of golden light. The piece of parchment landed in Madeline’s hand and she looked at it bewildered.

“Well, it looks like you were wrong Sarah.” Madeline said with a smirk

“It’s a letter” Rose said “What does it say?”

Madeline held the parchment up to her face and began to read the golden letters that were on it.

I hate going through this. I'm dead serious - you're story is fine. It's absolutely fine. The only thing wrong is your punctuation. It sucks! You don't know how to punctuate things! Especially dialogue. Honey, I'm stressing this because I've read many wonderful stories where they would be great, but I'm too distracted by their horrendous dialogue. Let me break down what you're doing wrong:

1) You are not putting a comma after the first part of a piece of dialogue, like in the first sentence when Sarah says that she doesn't believe their mom can actually contact them from the heavens. Put a goddamn comma after "sooner!"

2) You could probably write books on how to write run-on sentences. You don't use periods - it's like you're afraid of using periods. And exclamation points - a perfect example is the first paragraph. Just look at it!

3) You aren't punctuating your tags. And if you don't know or haven't assumed already, the tag is what you like, put after a piece of dialogue to elaborate on what they said and how they said it. "Said," seems to be your favorite one. Anyway, you aren't putting periods after them! It's just hanging there!

Want to see what this passage looks like with the correct punctuation?

“Yes, but I just don’t believe that could happen. If Mom had wanted to contact us from above, she would have sooner,” Sarah yelled. “Come on Mom, contact us![" Nothing happened."] See Madeline? [You wouldn't need this if you added what was in the brackets] Nothing.”

The words that come from [her] Sarah’s mouth couldn’t be more wrong. The wind stopped and stillness swept over them like they had just gone deaf. [Try another simile]

The puffy, white clouds above cleared and a bright light shone from above. A golden orb dropped from the sky and burst halfway down, a piece of old parchment fell from it and it floated down in sparkles of golden light. The piece of parchment landed in Madeline’s hand [it landed there? That's convenient. Why don't you say that she caught it] and she looked at it, bewildered.

“Well, it looks like you were wrong, Sarah.” Madeline said with a smirk.

“It’s a letter,” Rose said. “What does it say?”

Madeline held the parchment up to her face and began to read the golden letters that were [written] on it.

Should I even mention how many said tags are in there?

“My girls, more than ever I wish I could be with you. I died before I could teach you the history of our family and the history of [our] magic. Your father and I have been watching over you, and we are so proud of you for the things you have done. Do you remember Mary and Xander? Well[,] they are your protectors,[.] [W]well, at least Mary is,[.] Xander is just along for the ride. There is so much that I want to say but I have to keep it short. After you give up your powers you’ll die and we can finally see each other again, [she seems a bit too casual when she writes this] but don’t worry, it’s painless. [Oh, it's painless. That makes it better] To Sarah, my dear Sarah, trust in your powers and take control of them,[.] [Y]your grandmother had the power you have and she was worldly famous in the witch world. To [Omit "To"] Rose, you must let yourself free more, don’t be afraid to. You aren’t a little girl anymore who thought she knew it all, well that was always the problem, you did know it all. [I have no idea what she means in this message to Rose] Lastly to my dearest Madeline, keep doing what you’re doing,[.] [K]keep everyone together like you always have,[semi-colon/period] family is most important in these times of trouble. Also I think that I saw love in Xander’s eyes when he looked at you in the village, you should go for it. [Who cares? She has to keep the letter short and she chose to put this in it? And why doesn't she even mention this between this part and the end of the chapter?] This is where I have to end my letter and say that I love you,[.] [K]keep strong[,] my darlings.”

Tears welled in their eyes,[.] [T] they haven’t heard from their mother in over ten years and all of a sudden, this.

“Mom is right.[,]” Madeline said, [.] “We all could use some change.”

“Yeah, well, if we’re going to die…” Sarah started[.]

“No, we don’t have to die,[.] [W] we’ll figure something out.[,]” Rose said[.] “We always do.”

“Well, if we even want the chance to almost die and live we have to go!” [I don't understand this] Madeline said[.] “We still have a

long way to go you know.” [Attach this to the previous paragraph]

“Then let’s fly.[,]” Rose said[.]

One by one they lifted from the ground, and before Madeline took off, [omit comma] she shoved the note into her pocket. Once all three of them were in the sky the wind started to blow and dark clouds crept into view. A light sprinkle of rain danced down from the clouds but the staff’s shield protected then from getting wet. [staff's shield? Staff? What are these things?]

“Lets raise up higher so no one sees us.[,]” Madeline yelled so her sisters could hear over the howling wind.

They ascended [nice verb] into the dark clouds, that [replace this with "and], [omit comma] once in them you could see fine. The sisters could hear the crackle and rumble of the lightning building up inside the clouds and became nervous. [I think it was implied that they were nervous, and it sounds awkward anyway. Get rid of it]

They were all in a perfect row, their tunics flapping wildly behind them as they raced into the unknown places that awaited them. Rose could tell that Madeline had slowed a little and started to fall behind.

“Madeline!” Rose yelled with her head pointed backwards[.] [WHAT? Her head pointed backwards? What are you talking about? And attach this to the previous paragraph]

She could see that Madeline’s head was in a droop and she panicked. [Why is her head in a droop? Did she fall asleep?]

She turned her face back around and yelled to Sarah to help her, who was now a little farther than her.

And when she didn’t respond she looked back to help Madeline herself, only she wasn’t there. [Attach this to the previous paragraph and omit "And"]

Rose’s eyes glowed bright red and she used her own power to search for her.

She halted in the air and turned around with her eyes closed and zoomed downwards into a free fall. She could see everything in her mind and she located Madeline which [who, not which. Her sister isn't an inanimate object]was only minutes [minutes? Are you serious? Seconds, dude, if she's only like, 600 feet in the air] from crashing to the ground.

Rose’s whole body glowed red and the brightness that came from that filled the sky and blocked out the sun’s glow. [How is the sun glowing? I thought it was dark and dreary and it was freakin' raining] This only happened to [R]rose when she was using her power in a time of franticness [this isn't a word... Don't say "in a time." Say, when she was "extremely frantic" or "terrified" or "anxious" or something!] and when she was petrified. [Petrified works well =] But we only need one adjective]

She opened her eyes and saw Madeline just out of her reach. The ground was nearing closer and closer and Madeline was no longer on her staff. [What are these staffs! Are they like brooms they ride on?] Rose could tell that Madeline was having a really powerful premonition because her eyes were glowing blue and she only lost consciousness during one of her most powerful premonitions. [Read that sentence over and tell me it doesn't sound stupid]

Five hundred feet.

Rose groped the air trying to get [at] Madeline.

Four hundred feet

Rose went as fast as she could, reaching for Madeline, she wasn’t going to let her die because she

couldn’t go fast enough. [attach this to the previous paragraph]

Three hundred feet

Her eyes widened and looked back to see if Sarah was nearby to help.

Two hundred feet

She felt sick and she wanted to vomit, her sister was surely going to die.

One hundred feet

Still descending, she started to weep, she would die [while she] trying to save her.

The ground came really quickly and [You keep forgetting to capitalize her name!] [R]rose closed her eyes, not wanting to see it coming. Then, a shout.

Rose[,] with her eyes still closed, trembled. Slowly she opened them to see herself and Madeline inches from the ground[.] and [<--- Omit that] [S]she gasped. They were surrounded by Sarah’s green light,[;] she had saved them.

Rose looked into the sky and saw Sarah with her hand drew out and solid green, she wasn’t on her staff, but floating down on her own. [Write this better, because I can't picture this]

Madeline’s eyes still glowed blue and her face was emotionless. Rose and Madeline were in Sarah’s cast and could not move.

Seconds later Sarah touched the ground and let her sisters out from her cast [from her what?], [R]rose caught herself and Madeline fell on the ground, still [and unmoving].

“What happened?” Sarah frantically said [put the adverb after "said." But try to use another tag like "panted"], her heart beating through her tunic[.]

“I was flying and I noticed that she was falling,[.] I tried to call for you but you didn’t hear.” Rose said in one breath.

Well, I saved you just in time,[;/.] I looked around and saw you two falling and I didn’t know what to do, so I just froze you in the spot you were in.[,]” Sarah said[.] “I’ve never felt power run through me like that before!”

“Me [neither]either!” Rose said[.] “I could actually see what was going on in front of me without opening my eyes.”

Just then Madeline awoke and her mind looked blank, [and her mind looked blank? How can a mind look blank?] she looked to her sisters and said,

“Ruby is back.” [attach that to the previous paragraph. And who's Ruby?]

~*~*~*~*~*

CHARACTERS

Your characters are barely distinguishable. If you hadn't been writing "she said" every other line I wouldn't have been able to tell them apart.

ROSE

You keep forgetting to capitalize this poor girl's name. Um, that's about it. What's her power? She can see things with her eyes closed? Sweet.

MADELINE

Aw, I like Madeline. She's the mommy's girl of the bunch. I'm assuming she's going to be hooking up with this Xander character pretty soon...? I can tell my the foreshadowing in the letter, but to tell the truth, that isn't really the right place to do it. I'm guessing she can see premonitions. Cool, I guess, but it sucks that she does it at random times and almost dies, like in this chapter.

SARAH

Sarah's such a meanie-pants, not believing in her poor dead Mommy. Her power is... um, freezing people in their place before they plunge to their deaths? All these characters are emotional, powerful, but they don't really do anything for me. To me, as a reader, they aren't people - they're just names that say things.

DIALOGUE

Getting past the obvious problems with the punctuation, your dialogue should be fixed. You use it to show, not tell (instead of going "The girl's mother is dead," you have one of your protagonists mention it in their dialogue), which is great, but it seems a bit stifled and unreal. It's like their narrating the story. And when I read it, it seems like your simply writing pieces of dialogue and just adding names. What you want to do is make the characters have a personality, so you know who said that. Like, I should be able to read the dialogue and know who said it from how they said it and what they said. If you made the fact that Sarah didn't believe their mom could contact them more adamant, you wouldn't even had to write "Sarah said." By the way, if dialogue is between two people, you don't need tags at all.

POWER SWITCHER

What's a power switcher! And why did you give such an important object such a retard name?

PUNCTUATION

I think we've established how you can't punctuate for your life.

OVERALL

Oh, I've read this same story ten times before, and it's not new to me. Three sisters on their own, parents are dead, they have special powers, they have to save the world, one or more fall in love, other magical peeps help them save the world, their color-coded and so on and so forth. It's cliche. This is always a bad thing, but don't bash yourself over the head for it. Try to write something original, something you have never read before.

Did I think this was bad? No! Of course not! You have potential as a serious writer Jon, and you just need to keep writing. The more you write, the better you get. If I had to assume, you've only been writing for a year or two. Three at the most. Of course, if you've been writing for three then you need a lot of help. I suggest that you post more, write more, and see what people focus on the most. If they rant on and on about how you can't punctuate, read some articles on how to improve. If they focus on your characters or how you can't name things (power switcher...), read up on that too, or ask for advice. Remember, here at YWS, we want to help you.

Toodles!
~*Sara*~

Thanks sarah, sooooo much! This must have taken hours and i really do appreciate it. As i was reading your critique i had to laugh because,

And please don't tell me the colors are associated with the elements like water, fire and earth. I will kill you. My fingers are crossed.

No! Elements = death, in my eyes anyway.

oh and i died laughing when you said, Rose, she can see things with her eyes closed? cool

She knows anything and everthing.

Thankyou so much and If you want to you can read 1-6 to get the rest of the story and understand what's going on...


You should really think of beoming an instructor, Your critiques are the best!


---Jon---