Broken - 7

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Okay, the formatting's all messed up, so you're just going to have to imagine spaces in between the different bold and italics paragraphs. :D

Chapter 7

Sarah opens her mouth and screams. A scream that etches chills up and down her trembling body and that makes her jaws feel like they are being ripped apart with a hacksaw.

Glaring at her in the middle of the far wall are black marks which appear to have been made by fingers dragged down the whitewash.

Blood. She knows it is blood. The nails have gouged deep into the plaster.

She hadn’t seen it there before.

She begins to shake violently, unable to tear her eyes from the horrible sight. It isn't only the blood. Somewhere inside her a memory has stirred, and she doesn’t want it. There are innumerable half-decayed memories strewn through the darkness of her mind, and most of them don’t seem to matter.

This one does, though; this one she can do without.

'Please God, please God, please God,' she whispers again and again like a mantra as she retreats shaking towards the door, still staring at the marks.

When her heel touches the top step, she turns round, and, sobbing with fright, begins to descend the staircase. She hurries with short, jerky steps, her heart leaping into her mouth with every tremor of her body. Suddenly, her bare foot catches on something. She trips and rolls down and down, against each sharp stone edge, into – into –




The knuckle duster smashes across the face of the eight-year old child. She does not scream, but the weight of it flings her bird-like form back against the grey concrete. She cups her face in her delicate hands, stroking the spider web crack that had just been embroidered into her skin. It cried thick scarlet tears.

-No, Daniel!

It rings out against the choking, cruel silence, but the speaker is soon muted.

Big, tawny hands grab at her shoulders and lift her up; her legs dangling in mid-air. A frightened puppet hanging from its gossamer thread.

This is the way the world ends.




“Is that how you feel sometimes, Sarah? Like someone’s tugging at your strings?”




Thwack. Thwack. Twack as her laced patent boots knock backwards and forwards against the wall. Crimson rolls from her head, bitter and watery, staining the whitewash. She puts a hand to it and it stains her fingers. Horrified, she rubs them on the wall.

Red fingerprints, smeared on the white pure plaster.




“Don’t cry. Here. Drink this. They saw the walls, you know. It’s evidence. Do you know what that means, Sarah?” Of course not. Anyway, the cup of tea tastes like poison and her tears don’t even matter.




“Please…stop…please…stop.”

He doesn’t.

He takes hold of her wrists, frail as wineglass stems. His eyes, bitter, broken. They flare at her, pupils dilating.

It’s no use, so she bites her lip and crushes her sobs.





“Diagnosis is in. We’ve been meeting five years now, haven’t we? Well; we know what the cause is now, of everything. You’ve been on prescription for the disorder and there’s nothing more we can do. But Sarah, he’s never coming back. It’s over. It’s all over.”

Over?

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a -




Sarah wakes up. The curtains are drawn.
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.




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Sarah-
Wow. This was a very intense chapter. It kept me at the edge of my seat and eyes locked at the monitor. It was that good.

I didn't find any grammar mistakes while reading it. Which shows how much improved you are with writing.

So I have to ask, 'cause I was kind of confused a little...who was the guy who was hitting her? Well, was that what he was doing? Hitting her?

I have no further questions. So I congratulate you, Sarah, for how far you've become with writing this story. Broken has defiantly have me hooked since the beginning!

Oh, wait. One more question! Where's chapter eight? I WANT and NEED more! Please post more soon. Thank you. Enough with my ramblings.

-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




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Hey Merry !

The guy was her dad, presumably. Maybe I was a bit too vague, I forgot the reader didn't know the plan I had in my head.

Thankyou very much for following the story, as usual. You've been wonderful. (:

Sarah
xxx
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.




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Wow! The beginning was really dramatic, good job. You sure know how to keep your readers interested.

The whole bold-italics thing was a little hard to follow, but I think I got through it somehow. But it'd be still good to clear it up a bit?


I can't make up anything to critique. I didn't notice any grammatical mistakes, or any other things that would've been, like I love to say, "awkward".

Your description is good, especially in this chapter, but watch out so it doesn't go over the top. I just had to say something, you know? =D

Good job.


Demeter xxx
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

Got YWS?




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Hi there Sky (do you mind if I call you that?) here I am for the promised review, which I hope is very helpful to you!! I think that's all, so for now, on with the review!! =D
Just one short note to you would be that I didn't have enough time to read the other chapters (but I promise you I will so I can be of more help), so if I ask any stupid questions that have already been answered in the previous chapters, just ignore me - it's always the best thing to do :wink:

CastlesInTheSky wrote:Chapter 7

Sarah opens her mouth and screams. A scream that etches chills up and down her trembling body and that makes her jaws feel like they are being ripped apart with a hacksaw.[This really draws the reader in and description is amazing - awesome stuff (: ]

[Delete NP >>]Glaring at her in the middle of the far walls are black marks which appear to have been made by fingers dragged down the whitewash.

Blood. She knows it is blood. The nails have gouged deep into the plaster.

She hadn’t seen it there before.[what do you mean she hasn't seen it there before? Before what? You may need to expand on this]

She begins to shake violently, unable to tear her eyes from the horrible sight. It isn't only the blood. Somewhere inside of her a memory has stirred, and she doesn’t want to see/know/live it [again ?]. There are innumerable half-decayed memories strewn through the darkness of her mind, and most of them don’t seem to matter.

This one does, though; this one that she can do without.

'Please God, please God, please God,' she whispers again and again like a mantra as she retreats shaking towards the door, still staring at the marks.[amazing descriptions!!]

When her [bare heel? Or is she wearing shoes/socks? As trivial as it sounds, I want to know!! =P]heel touches the top step, she turns round, and, sobbing with fright, begins to descend the staircase. She hurries with short, jerky steps, her heart leaping into her mouth with every tremor of her body. Suddenly [please, don't start a sentence with suddenly as it takes the tension away from the sentence before we've started to read it. Just move the suddenly to after foot - you don't have to, but it's my advice to you :wink: ], her bare foot catches on something. She trips and rolls down and down, against each sharp stone edge, into – into –

[By this point, you've used she too much, so you need to slip in a few Sarah's, please =D ]


The knuckle duster smashes across the face of the eight-year old child. She does not scream, but the weight of it flings her bird-like form back against the grey concrete. She cups her face in her delicate hands, stroking the spider web crack that had just been embroidered into her skin. It cried thick[comma] scarlet tears.

-No, Daniel! [should this be in speech marks? And the hyphen at the start removed?]

It rings out against the choking, cruel silence, but the speaker is soon muted.

Big, tawny hands grab at her shoulders and lift her up; her legs dangling in mid-air. A frightened puppet hanging from its gossamer thread.

This is the way the world ends.[wow! This is immense stuff - really takes my breath away, awesome writing - great job :D ]




“Is that how you feel sometimes, Sarah? Like someone’s tugging at your strings?”




Thwack. Thwack. Thwack as her laced patent boots knock backwards and forwards against the wall. Crimson rolls from her head, bitter and watery, staining the whitewash. She puts a hand to it and it stains her fingers. Horrified, she rubs them on the wall.

Red fingerprints, smeared on the white pure plaster.




“Don’t cry. Here.[b][replace with comma] drink this. They saw the walls, you know. It’s evidence. Do you know what that means, Sarah?” Of course not. Anyway [this sounds too conversational, try and replace it with another word (: ], the cup of tea tastes like poison and her tears don’t even matter. [/b]




“Please…stop…please…stop.”

He doesn’t.

He takes hold of her wrists, frail as wineglass stems. His eyes, bitter, broken. They flare at her, pupils dilating.

It’s no use, so she bites her lip and crushes her sobs.





“Diagnosis is in. We’ve been meeting five years now, haven’t we? Well; we know what the cause is now, of everything. You’ve been on prescription for the disorder and there’s nothing more we can do. But Sarah, he’s never coming back. It’s over. It’s all over.”

Over?

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a - [this should be in italics as it's a direct thought]




Sarah wakes up. The curtains are drawn.[wow - great way to end it!! =D]


Last Minute Views
To be honest with you, I can't go through with a detailed account like I would normally do at this point, as I haven't read the rest of your story and don't really know much about overall improvements. So, I'll tell you what I'll do - a little treat from you to me :wink: - over this weekend I will look through each chapter you have written of this so far and copy it into a word document and send you a full blown review by mail. How does that sound?

Overall Comments
This was a really great chapter, it was brimming full of emotions and descriptions. Sometimes you were a little vague, which I have pointed out for you. Otherwise, this was a great chapter, and I have to say, you have me hooked! I can't wait to read through all the chapters this weekend as I really want to know what's been happening =D.
I really hope this review has been helpful to you,
--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."




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WOW! Even though I haven't read the other parts this was just really good. Nice word use by the way ;)

I looked at Lucy's review and well I am sure she covered everything perfectly.



"This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a -"


nice. ^_^

I really did love this and I have been so moved that I will read the other previous parts. I hope this continues ^_^

I guess you have a new fan.

~bravo
check out my deviantart account ^_^
http://maki121.deviantart.com/




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Thanks so much for reading, Lucyy and Maki-Chan. I really appreciate it.
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.




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Totally, 100% confused.

1- I think some information is missing between chapter 6 and chapter 7. I had absolutely no idea this was a dream.

2- Methinks the formatting is fixed. And I didn't quite understand what you meant by "you're just going to have to imagine spaces in between the different bold and italics paragraphs."

3- The description is really, really choppy. I didn't realize who or what was going on. When does that man come in? Where is she in this dream? It's, just really confusing.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
— Captain Jack Sparrow