The meeting at the cafe.

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 29
I have written this story based on the 12th picture. You can get to the contest through this link
topic35968.html. [b]Please please give me helpful critiques before I can submit it..Here it is...Enjoy!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
4th February, 2008
Dear diary,
Emily set me up with a blind date today and guess what???He was the cutest thing you would ever see. He was charming, sweet, sensitive and funny. His grey eyes would crinkle every time he showed off his million dollar smile. His nose fluttered every time he laughed and it was soo cute!!!!! Though, I noticed one peculiarity in him. He seemed to be extremely uncomfortable when I asked him about himself; his family….That kinda scares me. Guys with a scary past are worse than guys with a scary future, you know. But I am getting good vibes from this guy; like he won’t hurt me at the cost of anything in the world. With him, I discover a new side of me. One that was always hidden from the rest of the world. He makes me feel sane; like nothing can ever go wrong in my life. Maybe it’s love!
I am meeting him tomorrow again at snacks ‘n’ sips. And I am damn sleepy right now. Bye!!! Good night!!!! Sweet dreams(Preferably about Sean)!!!!
Mitchell Greenway


Mitchell walked towards her favorite local café “Snacks ‘n’ Sips” to meet her hot, new friend, Sean Livingstone. She ran her hands through the curly wisps of her brown hair. As she neared the café, she noticed a cute guy sitting all alone, probably awaiting someone’s arrival. “Sean!” She heaved a sigh of relief as she looked in his direction, waving at him from far away.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sean Livingstone sipped the milkshake he had ordered, when he noticed a girl wearing an orange sweater and white jeans was waving at him. He waved back, giving a huge grin which generated warmth. Oh! Anyone would have killed for the sight of this boy smiling. It was perfect!
“She’s here,” He whispered into the walkie-talkie.
“Do your job right, Agent T6,” the husky voice replied from the walkie-talkie. “Don’t get lost in the girl’s dreamy eyes. Many of our agents have!”
“I won’t. I am an agent with a strong will.”
“Good. Over and out.”
Sean quickly hid the walkie-talkie underneath his shirt.
“Hey, what’s up?” Mitchell asked cheerfully.
“Nothing…nothing much,” Sean hesitated, a bit nervous. “Would you like something?”
“Nope. The milkshake you’re having is just fine.” She said with a mischievous smile.
Sean gave a half-hearted smile. He did not like sharing his milkshake. Especially not with girls he was spying on.
Romantically, Mitchell dipped another straw into the milkshake. Both of them took a sip, staring right into each other’s eyes. As they shared this ‘moment’, Sean’s mind was running faster than a Cheetah. In a few minutes, he had a brilliant plan!
He pushed forward the glass, spilling the chocolate drink all over Mitchell’s white denims. Mitchell gasped, quickly getting up and flashing her eyes angrily at Sean. Sean gave a little, awkward laugh, his eyes fluttering. This looked incredibly cute, but right now, Mitchell couldn’t pay attention on anything but her costly new trousers being destroyed. She got up at once, slamming her silver Versace bag on the table and rushed away.
“Bull’s eye!” Sean whispered into the walkie-talkie, smiling smugly. “She’s in the ladies’ room” he announced in a whisper on the walkie-talkie.
He quickly lifted her bag and scanned through it with his eyes. First, he fished out a picture of a handsome, Mexican boy and Mitchell. Mitchell was looking younger, with a more chubby face.
“Must be some old boyfriend,” Sean muttered with a hint of jealousy.
“Come again,” the voice from the walkie-talkie boomed.
“Nothing. It’s nothing!” Sean sighed under his breath.
He reminded himself he was on a mission, a mission to find out what this girl, Mitchell, if her name was that and her friend, Emily, were up to. A mission to investigate the dark world of drugs. And most importantly, his first mission. He couldn’t afford to get attracted to this girl and marry her and have two kids and ruin his chances of being a world famous detective forever! OK, maybe I went a little too far this time, he thought.
He continued to rummage through the sophisticated bag, when he felt something cold. He pulled it out and in his hands he had an expensive, gold plated pen. This encouraged him to keep him going.
“Where did she get so much money from? A call centre worker couldn’t afford something like this.”
He kept searching but found no signs of cocaine or any other dangerous drugs. He sighed. It was odd that she hadn’t returned from the ladies’ room yet. The milkshake stain must have done much damage, he thought.
Suddenly, something caught his eye. Something red and small. It was her personal diary!
“Aha!” He thought aloud. “Personal diaries. This is where saints become devils.”
He hungrily grabbed it like a little kid snatching candy. Running his eyes though the pages, he stumbled upon previous night’s entry. He read it, getting more emotional by the minute. After reading the complete entry, he was quite for minutes. He just pondered over the whole issue again and again. Slowly, a tear trickled down his cheek.
How could I have suspected such an innocent girl who cares so much about me? She isn’t selling drugs! How could I even think such a thing? He kept blaming himself.
Then, he gently took a picture of Mitchell’s from the bag and kissed it, hiding it in his jeans pocket.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mitchell dialed Emily’s number, far away from where she was watching the entire scene.
“Hello, Emily?” She asked, on the phone.
“I’ve got good news. He turned out to be a detective.” Mitchell continued.
“No! That isn’t the good news. The good news is that he has read the diary entry.”
“Right. There’s no stopping us now!” She smiled slyly as she cut the phone.
Last edited by fun4eva on Tue Oct 28, 2008 9:09 am, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 174
fun4eva wrote:
4th February, 2008

Dear diary,
Emily set me up with a blind date today and guess what??? He was the cutest thing you would ever see. He was charming, sweet, sensitive and funny. His grey eyes would crinkle every time he showed off his million dollar smile. His nose fluttered every time he laughed and it was soo cute!!!!! Though, I noticed one peculiarity in him. He seemed to be extremely uncomfortable when I asked him about himself; his family….That kinda scares me. Guys with a scary past are worse than guys with a scary future, you know. But I am getting good vibes from this guy; like he won’t hurt me at the cost of anything in the world. With him, I discovered a new side of me. One that was always hidden from the rest of the world. He makes me feel sane; like nothing can ever go wrong in my life. Maybe it’s…. [No need for the ellipsis here]love!
I am meeting him tomorrow again at snacks ‘n’ sips [Capitalize this , as it's a name of a place]. And I am damn sleepy right now. Bye!!! Good night!!!! Sweet dreams!!!! …[No need for ellipsis again] (Preferably about Sean)[Put this bracketed phrase next to 'Sweet dreams' and before the exclamation marks]
Mitchell greenway [Capital 'G']


Mitchell walked towards her favourite local café “snacks ‘n’ sips” [Capitalize cafe name] to meet her hot, new friend- [Replace hyphen with a comma]Sean Livingstone. She ran her hands through the curly wisps of her brown hair. As she neared the café, she noticed a cute guy sitting all alone, probably awaiting someone’s arrival [Is this Sean - make this claere, because if it isn't him, this sentence seems very out-of-place here]. “Sean!” She heaved a sigh of relief as she looked in his direction, waving at him from far away.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sean Livingstone sipped the milkshake he had ordered, when he noticed a girl wearing an orange sweater and white jeans was waving at him [Again, who is this girl? Is it the MC, if so, make this clearer]. He waved back, giving a huge grin which generated warmth. Oh! Anyone would have killed for the sight of this boy smiling. It was perfect!
“She’s here,” He whispered into the walkie-talkie.
“Do your job right, Agent T6,” the husky voice replied from the walkie-talkie. “Don’t get lost in the girl’s dreamy eyes. Many of our agents have!”
“I won’t. I am an agent with a strong will.”
“Good. Over and out.” [Oooh, great twist!]
Sean quickly hid the walkie-talkie underneath his shirt.
“Hey, what’s up?” Mitchell asked cheerfully.
“Nothing- [Replace hyphen with ellipsis]nothing much,” Sean hesitated, a bit nervous. “Would you like something?”
“Nope. The milkshake you’re having is just fine.” She said with a mischievous smile.
Sean gave a half-hearted smile. He did not like sharing his milkshake. Especially not with girls he pretended to be nice to but was actually spying on her. [Awkward sentence - try re-wording]
Romantically [This word doesn't fit in - try another], Mitchell dipped another straw into the milkshake. Both of them took a sip, staring right into each other’s eyes. As they shared this ‘moment’, Sean’s [s]mid[/s] mind was running faster than a Cheetah. [Nice! (: ] Suddenly [Use a different word], he had a brilliant plan!
He pushed forward the glass, spilling the chocolate drink all over Mitchell’s white denims. Mitchell gasped, quickly getting up and flashing her eyes angrily at Sean. Sean gave a little, awkward laugh, his nose fluttering [Noses can't flutter!! Try a different description, or replace with eyes?]. This looked incredibly cute [Comma here] but right now, Mitchell couldn’t pay attention on anything but her costly new trousers being destroyed. She got up at once, slamming her silver Versace bag on the table and rushed away, probably [You can't use probably here, this is in third person, so all actions are definite, not probable. Or you could make it a thought of Sean's instead?] to the ladies’ room.
“Bull’s eye!” Sean whispered into the walkie-talkie, smiling smugly.
He quickly lifted her bag and scanned his eyes through it. First, he fished out a picture of a handsome, Mexican-looking [Instead of Mexican-looking, try using a boy with Mexican features instead] boy and Mitchell’s looking around two years younger [This ending doesn't make sense, try re-wording].
“Must be some old boyfriend,” Sean muttered [Comma here] with a hint of jealousy.
“Come again,” the voice from the walkie-talkie boomed.
“Nothing. It’s nothing!” Sean sighed under his breath.
He reminded himself he was on a mission, a mission to find out what this girl-Mitchell, if her name was that [Move hyphen to here] and her friend- [Replace hyphen with a comma]Emily, were up to. A mission to investigate the dark world of drugs. And most importantly, his first mission. He couldn’t afford to get attracted to this girl and marry her and have two kids and ruin his chances of being a world famous detective forever! [Whoa! Thinking ahead here aren't we? I think those thoughts are a bit unrealistic for a teenage boy]He continued [s]running his hands[/s] to rummage through the sophisticated bag, when he felt something cold. He pulled it out and in his hands he had an expensive, gold plated pen. This encouraged him to keep him going.
“[s]From[/s] where did she get so much money from? A call centre worker [s]wouldn’t[/s] couldn't afford something like this.”
He kept searching but found no signs of cocaine or any other dangerous drugs. He sighed. It was odd that she hadn’t returned from the ladies’ room yet. The milkshake stain must have done much damage, he thought.
Suddenly, something caught his eye. Something red and small. It was her personal diary!
“Aha!” He thought aloud. “Personal diaries. This is where saints become devils.”
He hungrily grabbed it like a little kid snatching candy. Running his eyes though the pages, he stumbled upon the previous night’s entry. He read it, getting more emotional by the minute.
Then he was crying his heart out. [A bit of an unrealistic thing for a boy to be doing, don't you think?] How could I have suspected such an innocent girl who cares so much about me? She isn’t selling drugs! How could I even think such a thing? He kept blaming himself.
Then, he gently took a picture of Mitchell’s and kissed it, hiding it in his jeans pocket.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mitchell dialled Emily’s number, far away from where she was watching the entire scene.
“Hello. [Replace full stop with a comma] Emily?” She asked, [s]on[/s] into the phone.
“I’ve got good news. He turned out to be a detective.”
“No! That isn’t the good news. The good news is that he has read the diary entry.” [Who said this?]
“Right. There’s no stopping us now!” She smiled slyly as she cut the phone. [Great ending!]


Overall Thoughts
I enjoyed this and you had a few twists, which was great!
However, I think to improve, you need to develop your MC and Sean's charcter a bit more. I also think that some of Sean's reactions were a little unrealistic. And I have to ask you, how old are these characters? Are they teenagers or older, because if they're older, you need to make it more obvious, as you're giving out teenager vibes at the moment.
This was a great chapter and very interesting. Great job!!

--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."



Generally speaking, a howling wilderness does not howl: it is the imagination of the traveler that does the howling.
— Henry David Thoreau