Maharaj The Magician [edited]

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I.

His worn and frayed jacket was the first thing I noticed. The lacklustre purple fabric bloomed beneath the rain into a fuller, darker shade more imperial than the last. It made him look sadder; sitting there in the gutter with his top hat sliding across his head, threatening to tip and fall. It was getting colder, the rain hardening into icy, speeding bullets. I could feel the fluttering of butterfly wings in my chest as I sucked in breaths.

I stood nearby, watching. Across the road there was a bus shelter; neither of us moved. I wasn’t even sure he knew I was there. The street was empty, sky grey and brooding. Just as I began to wonder if it was time to leave, he turned to me. His skin was weathered brown; grey whiskers stuck out from his chin in straggled clumps. His eyes drooped down his face.

‘Want to see a magic trick?’ His voice was scratchy and hoarse.

‘I haven’t got any money,’ I said.

His shoulders slumped and his face crumpled in on itself.

‘It’s not about the money.’ He took off his hat, placed it on the pavement. His thinning black hair was plastered to his skull.

‘Are you a magician, then?’

Silence stretched between us.

‘Go on, show us something,’ I said. I could feel my nose beginning to run; the rain wasn’t letting up. The magician put his right hand on his hat and slowly, softly, it collapsed beneath his hand until his palm rested flat against the pavement. It wasn’t much, but it was better than I expected. As I watched, his left hand began to rise, slowly unveiling the top hat.

I smiled. ‘That was a good one.’

He nodded, placing the hat back on his head.

‘Will you be here tomorrow?’ I don’t know why I even cared, but when he nodded I felt strangely satisfied.

‘Cool.’

I walked on, the strap of my bag digging into my shoulder. The corner shops huddled and crouched together in miserable silence. I sniffed, willing the snot to stay away. My mind kept going back to the magician; I wondered why he was so sad.

I turned on to my street. The procession of stately houses dwindled until the spaces between each became irregular, the homes getting smaller and meaner with each step. I stopped at mine, walked past the gate skewed on broken hinges. I pulled open the screen door and finally got out of the rain.

‘That you, Jake?’ Dad yelled from the living room. The flicker of blue and white lights was a constant in the house.

‘Yeah.’

‘Where you been?’ he said, as I came into the kitchen. ‘It’s pouring, out.’

‘Reckon I noticed that.’

‘Don’t get smart with me.’ He never once turned away from the screen. ‘Go get changed and clean that damn room.’

The floor was filthy, cans of drink and empty packets of chips were scattered everywhere. Crumbs were embedded in the carpet. I walked past him and into the back of the house. I closed my door behind me and shivered out of my clothes. With a pair of pyjama pants and a shirt on, I collapsed on the bed. The roar of thundering rain continued, unabated. There were cracks in the ceiling plaster. A drop of rain perched on the edge of one, glimmering. I focused on it, trying to predict when it would fall.

It dangled for what seemed the longest time.

My phone beeped, snapping me back to focus. There was a message from Anthony. ‘Heard Jenna likes ya.’

‘Bull,’ I sent back. I’ve had a crush on her since before I could remember, for so long in fact I’d all but lost sight of it. There’s no way she’d like me, someone was just having a go. A secret little voice whispered inside me, ‘But what if she did?’ I didn’t linger on the thought; let it slip from my mind. I felt suddenly drained as if I were being willed to sleep.

I didn’t fight it.

*

‘Pst!’

Rattataptap.

Groggily, I swam back into consciousness. The sounds resolved into rapid tapping on my window. ‘Pst! Get up, dipshit! Whatcha asleep so early for anyway?’ I clambered up to the window, stared belligerently out at Tess.

‘Door’s open,’ I said. ‘Why are you such a drama queen?’

‘Dad doesn’t know I’m gone, obviously. God, you’re such a dweeb. Now open the damn window.’

‘Not like he’d notice you coming back anyhow,’ I muttered, jamming the window open. She clambered inside, dressed all in black, like a ninja. Only, ninjas didn’t wear make-up, or paint their nails black, while wearing an odd assortment of studs and chains. No, a ninja would be more careful not to sound like a tin cup full of coins, as she did now. Tess tiptoed out of the room as quietly as she could, not that it mattered; the roar of the television easily drowned out any noise she made.

‘Fix your damn window,’ I called after her. She shot me a venomous look, before launching across the hall and into her room, quick as a cat. It was dark outside, but the skies were clear. A fresh breeze blew into the room, carrying on it the memory of rain. I lay down on the bed, trying to get back to sleep. Bits and pieces of the dream I’d been having came back slowly. I tried to catch them, but they always seemed to slip away; a raven, fleeing on the wings of a storm; lightning dancing across lurid skies…

I shook my head, trying to dismiss the image. The residue of fear was sour on my tongue. I checked my phone. It was only 10:30pm and Anthony hadn’t replied. I ought to get up and have a shower, clean the house, maybe do some work but it was hard. Not to get up, but to care. Even as that thought crossed my mind, I was walking out to the kitchen. Dad was still there. I felt a sickly, ugly feeling sweep through me.

‘Did you get laid off, then?’ His shift began at ten.

His head jerked my way, but stopped before coming round completely. ‘Nah. Just took a day off is all. Got a bit of the flu,’ he said, gesturing to the table. On top of a pile of magazines and empty packets of junk, there were a few tissues lined up as corroborating evidence.

‘Are we going to see Mum tomorrow?’ I asked, half-hoping for an answer, half-not. He didn't reply, just went back to watching TV.

I started to clean.

*

‘So, what are you going to do about it?’ Rob asked, biting into his sandwich. It was recess and the schoolyard was a riot of noise and colour.

I shrugged. ‘Nothing, I guess.’

He gawped. ‘You just heard that Jenna Tremain – Jenna Tremain – likes you and you plan to do nothing?’

We were sitting on the back field, in our usual spot beneath the tree. Anthony, Rob, and Sam were spaced out around me, eating. I wasn’t feeling very hungry.

‘I don’t care what Jimmy says or who told him, I don’t believe it,’ I said, for what seemed like the tenth time.

‘Are you sure she likes him? Maybe Jimmy got it wrong,’ Sam said, brushing the hair out of her eyes.

‘Are you calling him a liar, Goldilocks? Cos you might as well call me one too,’ Rob said, jutting his chin out. Sam looked away.

‘No one’s calling you a liar, so just cool it.’ I sighed. The sky was overcast and grey but the heat still bore down, making the air turgid and ugly. Just then, the bell rang and I picked up my bag and walked off, glad to get away. The others followed suit. Next period was History, my favourite class - which isn’t saying much, given what little attention I pay to any subject. But Jenna would be there and much as I pretended otherwise, I really did want to see her.

She didn’t show.

Mr. Bones’ boisterous tone filled the room. Usually, it would be easy to engage and listen to him, but not today. I was staring out the window, lost. Something – a bird – fluttered across my vision, landing on the windowsill. It was a raven.

I glanced around the room; heads were dropped on tables, gazes were dull and glazed but none were looking my way. I turned back to the bird. It was staring at me, eyes gleaming. A chill come over me. It was a twin to the bird from my dreams, right down to the last bedraggled, storm-tossed feather. The raven cocked its head, beak gaping in what looked eerily like a grin, as though it knew my thoughts and laughed. We locked eyes, for an instant, an eternity, but it soon grew bored and left. I followed its path, neck craning.

‘Perhaps you could share with the class the object of your fascination?’

I jumped - Mr. Bones was standing directly above me, bald head shining with a predatory gleam. The class was laughing at me now.

‘Is Julius Caesar in the midst of a Triumph outside?’ he asked. ‘Because I can’t see it.’

‘Seems you just missed him, sir.’

‘Don’t get smart with me, Jake. I’ll see you after class.’

The class oohed appropriately before gradually settling back into a stupor. I went back to staring out the window, half-hoping to catch a glimpse of the wayward raven. Sometime later, as a bell shrilled in the distance, the class began to file out. I stayed, trying to lose myself in the cloudy, humid sky but failing. Mr. Bones settled into a chair next to me making more noise than necessary. His odd body shape was the butt of many jokes, not a few I’d started myself. He was known as ‘The Vulture’ for a reason.

‘Jake, I have to tell you… I’m confused,’ Mr. Bones said. ‘You haven’t been yourself lately.’ His voice was tinged with genuine concern.

I shrugged. ‘No one is perfect.’

‘Is that what this is? You’re feeling pressure to perform?’

I didn’t say anything, letting him assume that was the truth. He sighed. ‘Some parents just push too hard. Don’t let it get to you, Jake.’

I nodded and grabbed my bag, prepared to leave. Some parents don’t push hard enough, I thought, but said nothing. Mr. Bones gave me a note for being late to the next class and the rest of the day passed in a blur. The only notable thing was Jenna’s absence and I wondered briefly if she was sick or if something had happened to her. I couldn’t remember the last time she’d missed a day.

It didn’t take long for the magician, the bird and my odd dream to creep back into my thoughts, as I made my way home. My feet were already tracing the path back to the street I’d last met him and thinking about that now, I realised I didn’t even know his name. That would be the first thing I’d ask I decided. The day hadn’t improved much, but there was a cool breeze blowing to offset the humidity. As I turned onto Connelly Drive, my heartbeat quickened and I scanned the road for that signature dash of purple.

He wasn’t there.
Something inside me deflated and my steps slowed, as I carefully searched the street. Aha! I spotted the crumpled purple form draped across the bus stop. I smiled and made my way toward it. The closer I got, the more hesitant I became. Suddenly, I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing. After all, he was a stranger. But he had sat in the rain, just as I had stood, rather than seek shelter and at that moment I felt for the first time that maybe I wasn’t alone.

‘You gonna stand there all day?’ he demanded from beneath his jacket. My nose wrinkled at the rank smell of filth and alcohol but I stepped closer. There was no way he could see me, but he had known I was there.

‘You going to lie there all day?’ I asked, just as quick.

‘It’s worked so far. Can’t see a reason to stop now.’

I considered him for a moment, head tilted.

‘You’re strange,’ I said, decisively.

At that, he snorted and pulled the jacket off his face, to peer at me with red-rimmed eyes. ‘You’re the one seeking out complete strangers on the street and I’m strange?’ he said. ‘You should count yourself lucky I’m not the dangerous type. Plenty of others out there that are.’

‘My name is Jake,’ I said.

‘So?’

Despite his rudeness, I grinned. It was refreshing.

‘What’s your name?’

‘Don’t you have a home to go to, boy?’

‘My name is Jake, what’s yours?’ I repeated. He stared at me, incredulous. To this day, I can’t be sure why I stood my ground. Maybe it was an instinctive rebellion – he tried to push me away and so I tried to get closer. I don’t know what he saw in me then, but whatever it was, it made him relent.

‘You can call me Maharaj,’ he said, pulling his jacket back up.

It was enough, I thought and continued on my way home. Moments later, I was startled to hear his gruff voice call out.

‘You coming back, boy?’

I stopped and considered. ‘Sure,’ I said.
Last edited by Jiggity on Fri Oct 10, 2008 1:43 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Hey Jig!!

You posted! When I seen this I couldn't wait to read this, so instead of doing my work in school I secretly read this and loved every bit, as always but...yes there's a but....I hated the ending. I've been saying that a lot lately and that's only because people end their stories with cliffhangers which then makes me anticipate more. But now you have to make a few more exceptions when it comes to posting, because if you don't, and just leave me in the hands of punk rock music and a father with a flu, I think I'll be very upset and...yeah.

Well moving on, I love the language and it just reads so amazing, even though I possibly couldn't read it aloud. American accents trample everything. I liked how you described the magician and I feel that he's going to be a great character to write about.

Jake is a really great MC. He embodies a teenager and he seems so laid back and real, so I definitely had fun reading. I especially liked his sister. She screams rebel, and the little bit of lines she had were entertaining. Hated the father but sometimes you have to hate at least one character and in the literary sense he fits perfectly.

So sorry I could only give you compliments and nothing constructive. Though hopefully this little boost will invite someone more critique-savvy.

Ta,
~Angel

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Yeah, its not finished. Don't know why I started writing this, lol, it just came out of nowhere. But I submitted to my class at uni for work-shopping, so I thought I oughta make an exception and see if I could get some reactions here. Also, this is only the second time I've written in first person, so I was a little worried I would suck.

Thanks for the comments, Angel :p
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Jiggity -

Admirable job. As always, your prose is rich and thoughtful and has plenty of good images and feelings woven in. I especially liked the beginning. You were in your element, my friend. However, there are a few things I feel that you can work on still...

[it's always a disappointment when diamonds turn out to be fake]

Like I said, the beginning of this piece was golden. Weird, ambiguous, mysterious. I found myself loving every word, which were all well-placed and chosen carefully. I also particularly like the main character as well. He was unique and different and he had a story to tell that hadn't already been told before.

And then Jake's feet un-stick and he becomes a boring character. With the magician he had so much potential, but as soon as he stepped into his house, he became another misfit teenager from a bad family and a second-rate house. It's as if your writing style completely changed - or at least Jake's strucure personality-wise. I just feel that...you sold out in a way. You took this unique persona and handed him over to the dark side. To the cliches. The best advice I can offer you here is to keep Jake edgy. Keep him consistent with the glimmer of hope in the first portion of the story.

Savvy?

[punk me not]

As Angel mentioned, this piece kind of had a colorless ending. I know you, Jig, at least to some extent. I know you can do better than leaving us with the whole "it was going to be a long night" spiel. It's just bad form to ditch us on a note like that, you know? I know it's just the end of a chapter and everything, but I think you could've squeezed a little more originality out of this. Made it juicier.

[miscellaneous]

‘Am. Was. Doesn’t matter now, does it?’ he said, studying his patchy leather shoes.


Eh. I don't like this line. It doesn't fit with the situation. It feels too hostile. It feels too...dramatic. Change it. Destroy it. Do something with it.

Anyway. I look forward to more!

-Kylan
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Yeah, I'm in agreement with you on all those points. I really enjoyed the beginning too, it was a unique situation for a unique character but I couldn't just leave him there, it would stretch and lose the strangeness which first attracted me to the idea. Maharaj would become boring.

I'm hoping the rest of it isn't as, shall we say, lacklustre. But I take your point. More of Maharaj is needed. Thanks for the crit, Kylan. Tis appreciated




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Hey, honey. You know the drill.

;)

Image
Image
Image
Image

MAGIC TRICKS

I love the descriptions of the magician.

:D

LITTLE ORPHAN OLIVER

More, please? I quite like what is there at the ending, but it feels very abrupt.

IN DEFENSE OF AN UNCOLORFUL END

I actually like the fact that end is colorless; it makes the beginning with the magician that much more distinct. I have to say though that despite the end dropping off out of nowhere, like falling blind off a cliff, (there should be more, dammit!), this has to be of my favorite stories I read recently; and it has so much potential.

Ta,
Cal
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Ye gods, but I have to keep a rein on just what I'm writing and when. I have to say in reading this again, after your wonderful comments brought it back to my attention, I'm actually quite happy with where its at. You've got me all excited about this again. Well, I'm sort of in the midst of ten million other things (not really, just two novels and a long short story) but when I have the time, I like knowing i have something else on the sidelines.

Thanks a bunch, Cal!

Much love.
J~
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Hey peeps,

I want to start working on this again and accordingly, I added the next section that I'd written long ago but never posted. As always, all thoughts are appreciated.
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Jiggy!

So. I really enjoyed this. Like, a lot. Wonderful, wonderful writing style, and your flow was beautiful. Only several little nitpicks, and only then it's only something I noticed.

Besides, Tess would be there and much as I pretended otherwise, I really did want to see her. She wasn’t there, as it turned out and my attention quickly wandered.


Did you mean Tess, or Jenna?


I darted a glance around the room; heads were dropped on tables, gazes were dull and glazed but none were looking my way. I turned back to the bird. It was staring at me, eyes gleaming. I felt a chill come over me. It was a twin to the bird from my dreams, right down to the last bedraggled, storm-tossed feather.


This confused me a little bit. I went back to the beginning, thinking maybe you'd mentioned a dream, but I didn't see anything. Was this something you were planning to elaborate on? If it isn't, I would take that mention out.


...And that's it. I told you I gave monumentally useless reviews! =D

Let me know if you post more of this! I'd love to read it and give you my thoughts.

Sachi
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Awesome! Revieeewww!

And you're totally right about the slip up between Tessa and Jenna XD

As for the dream, I did indeed mention it. You can check for it if you like, it's just after he's woken by his sister. Really appreciated your epic speediness Sachi!

*glomps*
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Well, here's another pointless review coming your way, and you'll see why I'm not fit for TWS as of yet. ;D

First off, it made me giggle when I read the word bald as you described the teacher.

So I totally enjoyed this from, like, the deepest depths of my heart. The way you wrote it had me hanging on nearly every word. There were a couple spots where it seemed heavy in description, but very few of those. Generally, it was written beautifully.

I didn't quite understand the magic trick as a magic trick though. In fact, I wasn't quite sure what the point was? Maybe it's me and my childish nature, but I was so excited to see a whole bunch of magic tricks, and then I got a squished top hat. D:

Jenna doesn't sound particularly special, so I hope that's the impression you were trying to give. She sounded like some typical girl that any guy should go after, and it sounds like your MC didn't care for her.

I guess the deduction I make now is this: Supposedly the MC used to be this really good student, but now life's gone a bit hectic on him and he's feeling miserable. But then this magician seems like a cool guy and reinforces the idea of 'honesty', and so perhaps the MC should take a leaf from his book and not fool people for the top student he is but rather take life as it comes.

But! It's also late for me. :D

Keep writing!

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You didn't get the magic trick?! Oh noes.

I guess the image I tried to get was a guy sitting down, with his hands by his side. Using his right hand, he squashes the hat, until it disappears (seemingly) into the ground. Then he slowly brings his left hand up, and it's there, on the other side. So, yeah, not an amazing trick but it was enough for the moment.

And it's not so much that he was a great student or anything, but he used to paid attention and do his work. Now, not so much. But he's always been honest, up to a point and thus far Maharaj hasn't actually affected him in any real meaningful way, so don't look for such, lol.

Glad you liked it! And I'm going to work to slim down the description-heavy bits.

Thanks :D
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So sorry Jigs :(
I meant to get here sooner, I really did.

Now you got a lot of great reviews so I'll be ignoring those and just telling you what I found.

I'll try to give you something good, but I'm not the best at prose.

Characters

Now, you have interesting characters. Specifically Maharaj, he is really an interesting character. I like the idea you used.

Now your narrator has some issues.
I enjoyed it at the beginning, but after a bit what they're saying is very rushed. Too rushed, if you ask me. Slow down, get things out more slowly. Don't restrict yourself to a word count/length try to draw things out gradually. It's all about pace.

Also, he seemed interesting at the beginning, but then he turned drab as the pace picked up, you didn't squeeze in those lovely words that come with time.

Plot

The idea you wrapped your plot around, I think for some reason it works that the plot and setting is over shadowed. I think it works because you have some really lovely descriptive language that flows into everything else.

Language

I don't see any problems whatsoever here. I liked the way you worded here.

--

Overall, your biggest problem is pace. You pick up and hit the climax of the scene much to soon and you continue to rush to the end. I think it could be a marvelous piece if you drew it out more. Go into more detail about things, it would really only do for you to slow it down.

Otherwise, I can't wait to read more, and once again I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner.
PM me if you need a review on the next part, if there is of course. I'll try to be speedier.
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Hey Jiggity! Got around to this at last! :wink: Very cool piece you have here. As has been mentioned, I love the beginning; the way you introduce the magician is fabulous and I really enjoyed the description of this strange figure who we meet. I'm going to have to agree with Kylan, that after meeting with the magician, Jake started to lose my interest, but I'll get to that in a little bit. I'm just going to make a few specific comments here and there. Take them as you will. :wink:

His worn and frayed jacket was the first thing I noticed. The lacklustre purple fabric gradually bloomed beneath the rain into a fuller, darker shade more imperial than the last. It made him look sadder; sitting there in the gutter, his top hat drooping and sliding across his head, threatening to tip and fall. It was getting colder, the rain hardening into icy, speeding bullets. I could feel the fluttering of butterfly wings in my chest as I sucked in breaths.


This is some great, vivid description, but the heavy use of subject-verb sentence structure made me feel strangely distanced from the image. As a parallel to your 'uncolorful ending', it works well. As a hook, not so much. I'm not going to tell you to fix it, but, if you want to snap the reader into your story straight away, messing with the sentence structure would help you here.

‘Go on, show us something,’ I said. I could feel my nose beginning to run; the rain wasn’t letting up, but my shoes were glued to the spot. There was a surreal quality to this moment, as though we stood in a dream. At first, I thought he didn’t hear me or refused to listen, but he had heard and he did listen. The magician put his right hand on his hat and slowly, softly, it collapsed beneath his hand until his palm rested flat against the pavement. It wasn’t much, but it was better than I expected. As I watched, his left hand began to rise, slowly revealing the top hat.


I understood the trick that was going on here, but the language didn't change at all when you talked about the magician, which bothered me. Specifically, the word 'revealed'. It just seemed strangely ordinary for this clearly mysterious magician. Again, there's a heavy use of parallel sentence structure here and it mutes a lot of the actions occurring in this. Also, the comment about Jake feeling as if he was in a dream didn't click with me; you might want to consider providing some other hints at the dream-like attitude of your main character rather than have him come out and tell us.

‘That you, Jake?’ Dad yelled from the living room. I knew he was there because he never left it. The flicker of blue and white shadows was a constant in the house.


Again, I feel like this telling by your main character mutes the vibrancy of your setting. A few paragraphs after this, you describe the house graphically and we barely even need this piece of information to understand what is going on.

My phone beeped, snapping me out of that weird zone. It was still in my school pants so I dragged them over, took it out. There was a message from Anthony. It read, ‘Heard Jenna likes ya.’ Always to the point, Anthony was. ‘Bull,’ I sent back. Jenna was smart, cool and pretty. There’s no way she’d like me, someone was just having a go. I didn’t linger on the thought; let it slip from my mind. Now that I was lying in bed, I felt suddenly drained as if I was being willed to sleep. I didn’t fight it.


The sentences in red sound awkward.

We were sitting on the back field, in our usual spot beneath the tree. Anthony, Rob, and Sam were spaced out around me, eating. I wasn’t feeling very hungry.


One thing I noticed throughout this was a general lack of feeling from Jake. We see what he sees and you do appeal to a wide variety of senses, but it's hard for me to derive how this situation is affecting him physically. Maybe you would rather not address that aspect of him--I'm not entirely sure how you're trying to present him--but it seems like the lack of feeling is drying out his character. In the encounter with the magician, there was a feeling of Jake being mesmerized, but, after he departs from the magician, this lack of feeling shakes his character of the interest I had at first.

All in all, this was very interesting. Like Cal mentioned, I really liked the colorless, ambiguous ending. It was very nifty and the way you described the magician was especially great. Jake comes across as an ordinary kid confronted with a strange situation, and I like this, but I would just warn you to beware of making him sound too, too ordinary what with the parallel syntax and lack of physical feeling. Maybe it's a difference in style, maybe something you want to think about. Again, take what you will. ^^ You really do write very well. Nice job here! I enjoyed this immensely. Keep writing and I can't wait to see the final draft. ^^ PM me if you have any questions.
~ WD
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Thanks guys,

I appreciate all comments. I need to trim this down by one or two hundred words if it's to fit the requirements for the Fellowship I want. *sigh*

I'll work some more on it tonight.

Thanks again, y'all.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko



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