Young Writers Society

This started as a song actually... somehow it morphed into what you see now. Needs editing, I don't even know what the purpose in writing it was other than the fact that some jerk tried to hit on me and THIS is what I should have said. I didn't though... so I am saying it in a different way. Anywhoo rated for language.

I've Had You Before

“Hey baby, what you doin’ tonight?” He asked snidely, his brow crooked to the side ever so slightly.

She sat at the bus stop, her hands folded neatly in her lap, staring off into space like she was every day. “Avoiding guys like you.” She told him absently.

She didn’t look up to see the frown cross his handsome face instead she sat quietly, blowing a stray lock of hair from her forehead. Her eyes remained locked on some unknown force ahead of her, and she did not move.

He sat down beside her, not noticing the slight flinch she gave as she inched herself away from him. He sense that she was uncomfortable, and a toothy grin fitted itself to his features. He brushed the back of his fingertips against her arm and she visibly shuddered. Her eyes finally left whatever spot they had fixed themselves on and she met his gaze with hers.

“Excuse me; did I say you could touch me?” She asked him pointedly.

He gave her an odd look, somewhere crossed between amusement and a frown. He sized her up, obviously trying to figure the enigma of a girl out. Her skin was light, her eyes green, and her hair dark. Nothing to interesting or special, but still pretty.

“No, you never said I could touch you.” He told her, running his fingers down her arm again, watching her draw away from him more. Until she sat at the edge of the bench, still unwilling to give up her spot because he was invading her space.

She grabbed his hand and gently placed it on his lap. “Then don’t touch me.”

“Aww, come on baby, I was going to invite you to a party tonight.” He told her, casually throwing an arm around her.

She rolled her eyes, barely visible to him at all. “Not interested, thanks.”

“Why not? Think you’re too good for me?” he asked maliciously, his breath hot on the back of her neck.

“Actually yes, because I am too good for you.” She told him, removing his arm from around her neck and tossing it towards him.

“How would you even know, bitch?” He barked.

“I’ve had you before.” She said simply.

“What the hell are you talking about? This is the first fucking time I’ve ever met you.” His anger emanated off of him, rejection not very becoming of him. He stood and stared down at her; she met his gaze boldly and stared him down.

“And yet, I’ve had you before. In ever douche bag ex, in every asshole trying to get into my pants at a party, in every schmuck that tried to get me drunk so they could get laid, you were there. You actually like that you make me feel physically uncomfortable when you get close, do you comprehend how sick that makes you? There are thousands of guys out there that are just like you, did you know that? Thousands of guys that come onto little girls that are all alone, and sadly I used to be one of the girls that fell for the act ever time.” Her voice did not rise once as she continued speaking, his mouth dropped open slightly as he stared at her.

“Do you know how guys like you make girls like me feel? After we wake up in your bed with a hangover, we get sick, not because of alcohol, but because of you. You go and brag about your sexual conquests to all your pathetic little friends, and we try to forget you ever existed. You exploit us, defile us, and break us down over and over again, because you are too much of a coward to actually be a man and treat us like we are your equals. You try to defeat us, but it just won’t happen, you know why?”

His eyes were wide now as he gaped at the girl, her eyes full of fire but her voice calm and serene. He shook his head slowly.

“Because girls like me are stronger than you can ever imagine. You can try to break me, and use you so called charms to woo me. And yet I look at you, and I know you are just a pitiable little boy that will never have the nerve to be a man in this world.”

She smiled as she watched her bus pull up in front of them. “Word of advice? Pull your head out of your ass, and be a man.” She told him as she brushed past.

Wow - that was great. I loved the overall tone of the piece, and the dialogue was very realistic. I really liked the quiet strength (cheesy phrase, but it fits) of the girl. I also liked the realistic sleeziness of the guy. He was actually acting like somebody you might meet in a bus. So often in stories you see the sleeze-ball as a complete psycho - and that sort of guy is pretty rare in every-day life. This guy was more pathetic than anything else. I also really liked the subtext - it piqued the reader's curiosity. The girl, in my opinion, had obviously had some experience with men that gave her a real view on things - she's not stuck with her head in the clouds.

Anyway, moving on past the praise... hee hee...

“You can try to break me, and use you so called charms to woo me."

you = your

You also had some dialogue punctuation problems. After a line of dialogue, you put a period, then capitalized the next letter, like this:

“Hey baby, what you doin’ tonight?” He asked snidely,

That's wrong. When the dialogue and the following words are part of the same sentence, as the above example, you don't capitalize. Also, if it's a period, you'd do a comma.

“Hey baby, what you doin’ tonight?” he asked snidely,

That's correct.

More examples, just brain farts so forgive the weirdness and look at the punctuation.

CORRECT

"Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!" the little girl shouted at me.

"Hey, jerk," the woman said calmly, "get off of my damned cloud before I shove this cattle prod right up where the sun don't shine."

"Um, sir? Could you get off my cloud?" the small librarian asked me politely, shoving his spectacles further up his nose.

Okay, that's quite enough on punctuation, I think. Sorry, I tend to belabor points.

That's all I really have to critique - I really liked this piece. *gives gold star*

To top it off, I'd just like to point out my favorite line (made me smile maliciously):

“Word of advice? Pull your head out of your ass, and be a man.”

Yours I hope always to remain,
MademoiselleKool

Hey Tale.

I’ll start with some of the little things that I found while reading through the text, a few typos, nothing too serious.

She sat at the bus stop, her hands folded neatly in her lap, staring off into space like she was every day. < I feel like “like she did” would fit a little better here.

He sense that she was uncomfortable, and a toothy grin fitted itself to his features. < “He sensed”

Her eyes finally left whatever spot they had fixed themselves on and she met his gaze with hers. < You don’t need “with hers” here.

Nothing to interesting or special, but still pretty. < “too”

He told her, running his fingers down her arm again, watching her draw away from him more. Until she sat at the edge of the bench, still unwilling to give up her spot because he was invading her space. < I don’t really like this sentence starting with “until” because you don’t end that thought. I know it fits into the last sentence but the word can’t hold up on its own. I’d suggest deleting that first period and adding one in after “bench”.

“Why not? Think you’re too good for me?” he asked maliciously, his breath hot on the back of her neck. < You’ve not moved him in closer yet. Any movement toward her should be written in, I think. She wouldn’t let him get close enough for him to breathe on her neck. Even if it happened before she could think about it. Describe that.

Now that that’s over, onto the meat of the thing. I have to say, first off and candidly, I didn’t really like this. It wasn’t true enough for me. No doubt, this is because it’s a “what I wish I said” type thing, and they’re more often than not completely out there. They involve things people would never say in a way they would never say it.

That’s what you have here. Your MC is quiet and unassuming, the guy hitting on her is a tool. Got that. ^^ That’s fine, it happens often enough. Then you move a little further along into a grey area. She’s overly polite the first time he touches her. That’s fine, it works. But then she touches him. She picks up his hand and puts it in his lap. My heavens, if there was a way to egg a boy on! I don’t know about you, but I’d never touch someone who was creeping me out like that, I don’t know a sensible woman who would. Most would slide further away, so that his hand had to move away. That’s my first issue.

Second would be his reactions. Yes, rejection is rarely becoming on such guys, but you’ve got him flaring up madly straight away. That’s kind of okay, until you get him wide eyed and silent. It’s too much of a change. Any guy who’s getting that up in your face about one thing isn’t going to just shut it for another, you know?

On the rant itself, it’s certainly a “Wish I had said”. That’s perhaps the only thing I can say about it. It doesn’t feel real in the least, until the last lines, when she’s getting on her bus. Those I like quite a lot. They fit in nicely with the situation and the woman saying them.

In the end, my main problem is how unreal the whole thing is. Everything else is fine, good, even, baring the above. I know it’s meant to be in some ways, but I think you could write it a little differently, so as to make it a little more believable. We’re meant to be able to suspend disbelief while reading, so that we don’t care how real or unreal it is, we’re just in the tale. That didn’t happen for me here. I think it could, if you look at the piece again seriously and considered what you wanted to do with it.

If you do change this at all, please tell me, I’d love to look at it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Lol, i liked the sentiment about this and I think the two previous reviewers have picked out everything I would have done...

My only problem is, would such a girl have this kind of insight? And would she really rant and rave at him in a bus stop? I don't quite understand the characters and the setting but this can be easily rectified with a paragraph or two of character definition....

Or just ignore me

Hi OE. I guess I figured I'd go from the bottem of my list on up so here I go.

He sense that she was uncomfortable, and a toothy grin fitted itself to his features.

He sensed that she was uncomfortable, and a toothy grin fitted itself to his features.

Nothing to interesting or special, but still pretty.

Nothing too interesting or special, but still pretty.

Until she sat at the edge of the bench, still unwilling to give up her spot because he was invading her space.

This sentence seems like it should be part of the previous sentence but I think that it would make the sentence too long so maybe you should reword it.

She grabbed his hand and gently placed it on his lap.

As Pengu said, it seems unlikely that she would grab his hand like that. Maybe she just glares instead?

His anger emanated off of him, rejection not very becoming of him.

I don't really think that Emanated is the right word here.

In ever douche bag ex, in every asshole trying to get into my pants at a party, in every schmuck that tried to get me drunk so they could get laid, you were there.

every

You actually like that you make me feel physically uncomfortable when you get close,

Instead of a comma here, try a question mark. The questions don't seem to fit together.

I used to be one of the girls that fell for the act ever time.”

every

You can try to break me, and use you so called charms to woo me.

You can try to break me, and use your so called charms to woo me.

She smiled as she watched her bus pull up in front of them. “Word of advice? Pull your head out of your ass, and be a man.” She told him as she brushed past.

She was waiting for a bus? You never even really mention where they are so the bus thing came as a surprise. Otherwise, though, I like this ending.

I've been in sitchuations like that before; except that it was a big group of people, yelling "C'mere. (Whoever) wants to talk to you because he likes you." and me running to escape.

I think it was realistic enough. I thought the MC was awesome and the guy was evil, which was the whole point.

We’re meant to be able to suspend disbelief while reading, so that we don’t care how real or unreal it is, we’re just in the tale.

*nods head* I didn't feel in disbelief either. It was almost there but not close enough for me to not think "Oh well. It ended." (Sorry for being harsh).

Did I feel anything for the main character? A twinge of empathy? No, not really. I think it was due to feeling like it was just a scene of a bigger story. I would love to see this start off as chapter one, then you continue on to expand about the characters and everything.

Watch those typos. Just remember to look over your work before you post it and you'll probably catch them.

PM me for anything at all.

-alwaysawriter

Hey Tiff,

First of all: I loved the story ! It's strong, well-written, and captures the attention of the reader. Excellent.

Secondly: The others have pointed out most of the gramatical errors and spelling mistakes, so I won't be repeating them all, but there's just a few things to point out specifically:

1. Spelling: You write "ever" whenever you mean "every", which is an easy to fix problem, I guess. Proofread your work a few times; once to find spelling mistakes, once for grammar, and once for overall stuff.

2. Run-ons: Be careful with your sentences, sometimes they seem a bit run-on. Some should be split up into two seperate sentences, in other cases you can use different punctuation to make them flow better.

3. That's all Nothing more to "critique", really

I love how she stands up to him, it's amazing. The last line = EpIc !!

Well done, I really loved the story!!!

PM me for anything.

XxxDo

You've got a couple of critiques already and I only scanned them briefly so I apologise if I repeat anything the others have said. Here you go:

I've Had You Before

“Hey baby, what you doin’ tonight?” [s]He[/s] he [If it's a dialogue tag, it's always a small letter. Even after a question mark or exclamation mark.] asked snidely, his brow crooked to the side ever so slightly. [I'd like you to increase the description of his expression and I think maybe '...side just a little.' would read more smoothly. Also, I'd suggest starting with a description of the setting rather than the dialogue so your reader can visualise everything more easily. Describe it from the girl's point of view, something along the lines of: 'The smooth, plastic seating was cold and uncomfortable, numbing her flesh through the thin black trousers of her school uniform, and the wind whistled through the cracks in the broken glass of the bus shelter walls. They offered no protection.' and then you could edit the next paragraph so that it just describes how she's sitting and looking into space.]

She sat at the bus stop, her hands folded neatly in her lap, staring off into space [s]like she was every day.[/s] [You don't have to tell us she does that every day. When writing, consider each line carefully and remove those that don't add something to the story. Here, the reader can assume that she's the quiet, day-dreamer sort of girl.] “Avoiding guys like you. [Comma instead of full stop.]” [s]She[/s] she told him absently.

She didn’t look up to see the frown cross his handsome [I think you could find a better adjective. Maybe 'well chiselled' or 'smoothly tanned' which both suggest good looking but in a more interesting way.] face [You need to either start a new sentence here or use a semi colon.] instead she sat quietly, blowing a stray lock of hair [What colour hair?] from her forehead. Her eyes remained locked on some unknown force [I'm not sure abut force. Maybe object?] ahead of her, and she did not move.

He sat down beside her, not noticing the slight flinch she gave as she inched herself away from him. He sensed that she was uncomfortable, and a toothy grin fitted itself to his features. He brushed the back of his fingertips against her arm and she visibly shuddered. Her eyes finally left whatever spot they had fixed themselves on and she met his gaze with hers.

“Excuse me; did I say you could touch me?” [s]She[/s] she asked him pointedly.

He gave her an odd look, somewhere crossed between amusement and a frown. He sized her up, [s]obviously[/s] trying to [color=red][s]figure[/s] solve the enigma of [s]a[/s] this girl [s]out[/s]. Her skin was light, her eyes green, and her hair dark. Nothing too interesting or special, but still pretty.

“No, you never said I could touch you.” [s]He[/s] he told her, [Maybe admitted would ork better here? Or sneered? If you're going to deviate from said make sure it's something that shows a little personality and don't do it too often.] running his fingers down her arm again, watching her draw further away from him, [s]more. Until[/s] until she sat at the edge of the bench, still unwilling to give up her spot because he was invading her space.

She grabbed his hand and gently placed it on his lap. “Then don’t touch me.” [Hmm. I think it would be better if you have her pull away from him rather than physically lift his hand away from her. At the moment, he's physically in control and she's mentally in control of the situation. That's a good balance of power and maintaining it makes this more interesting and realistic.]

“Aww, come on baby, I was going to invite you to a party tonight. [Comma here instead of full stop.]” [s]He[/s] he told her, casually throwing an arm around her. [Waist or shoulders? I presume shoulders but waist would be so much more effective because it's an even larger invasion of someone's space. And you have to describe him scooting closer. She's moved away remember.]

She rolled her eyes, barely visible to him [s]at all.[/s] “Not interested, thanks.” [What's her reaction to him touching her this time? Be consistent, she clearly hates it and what girl wouldn't. At this point, I'd be getting up and moving away and be saying 'Don't do that' or something. And she seems to be a stronger, less polite person than I am.]

“Why not? Think you’re too good for me?” he asked maliciously, his breath hot on the back of her neck.

“Actually yes, because I am too good for you. [Comma instead of full stop.]” [s]She[/s] she told him, removing his arm from around her neck and tossing it towards him.

“How would you even know, bitch?” [s]He[/s] he barked. [Hmmm. I think he gets mad a little too quickly. Guys like this are persistent and getting mad is giving up. I think he'd be more likely to go with it. Maybe something like 'Then why not show me how to be a good boy?']

“I’ve had you before.” She said simply. [Good line.]

“What the hell are you talking about? This is the first fucking time I’ve ever met you.” His anger emanated off of him, rejection not very becoming of him. [Hmm. I don't think 'becoming of him' works. It's jerky. Maybe '...rejection not suiting him.' or something.] He stood and stared down at her; she met his gaze boldly and stared him down. [Good line.]

“And yet, I’ve had you before. In ever douche bag ex, in every asshole trying to get into my pants at a party, in every schmuck that tried to get me drunk so they could get laid, you were there. You actually like that you make me feel physically uncomfortable when you get close, do you comprehend how sick that makes you? There are thousands of guys out there that are just like you, did you know that? Thousands of guys that come onto little girls that are all alone, and sadly I used to be one of the girls that fell for the act ever time.” Her voice did not rise once as she continued speaking, his mouth dropped open slightly as he stared at her. [Not the most realistic of dialogue. He wouldn't let her talk on for so long and she wouldn't do it because quite simply guys like that aren't worth the time and she clearly knows it so I'd suggest shortening this.]

“Do you know how guys like you make girls like me feel? After we wake up in your bed with a hangover, we get sick, not because of alcohol, but because of you. You go and brag about your sexual conquests to all your pathetic little friends, and we try to forget you ever existed. You exploit us, defile us, and break us down over and over again, because you are too much of a coward to actually be a man and treat us like we are your equals. You try to defeat us, but it just won’t happen, you know why?”

His eyes were wide now as he gaped at the girl, her eyes full of fire but her voice calm and serene. He shook his head slowly. [This part too and you need to have him change more gradually. You female character is reasonably consistent but your male character seems to change just to suit her. He needs to either stay angry at this point and interrupt and make more moves and show his physical strength or stomp off and say something stupid like 'You should have said yes when you had the chance.']

“Because girls like me are stronger than you can ever imagine. You can try to break me, and use your so called charms to woo me. And yet I look at you, and I know you are just a pitiable little boy that will never have the nerve to be a man in this world.”

She smiled as she watched her bus pull up in front of them. “Word of advice? Pull your head out of your ass, and be a man.” She told him as she brushed past. [These last lines are better.]

Okay, so this isn't bad but it needs some work. At the moment, it's a little unrealistic and he characterization and action are weak even for flash fiction. It starts off strongly and it has potential but you're going to need to reconsider the male character's reactions to what she says and there needs to be more reason for her to make such silly long speeches (or you need to remove them).

I think that you need to let the male character be seen to be in physical control more and then there needs to be a clear switch in power. This needs a rational reason to happen. Either it's when her bus arrives and she breaks away from him and calls back over her shoulder. Or another person could arrive at the bus stop or she could threaten him with something that would really stun him. Like she could say 'I'll tell the police you stabbed me' that would surely get his attention. It would scare him (guys like that may be psychos but they're scared of psycho girls) and you could switch him to the defensive.

I hope this helps a little!

Heather xx