Who Would've Thought? 3

Reviews are GREATLY appreciated!

Part Three:

A few times I tried to meet Kyle and a few of his friends at a party, and he tried to hang out with me and my friends at the movies, but it never worked out. We were both anxious for Spring Break to begin, and a week before it did, I got a call from Kyle.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked as I flipped open my cell phone.
“Nothing really, I just made myself the worst PB&J ever.” His smooth voice sounded beautiful, even over the phone.
“How is a PB&J bad? Only you could screw up something so fool proof.”
“Oh, thanks I love you too.” I froze. He loves me?
“Um..are you there?” his voice rang through my ears.
“What?” I spluttered.
“Marie…are you alright?” He didn’t mean it like that. Of course not. I must be losing my mind in anticipation of Spring Break.
“Yeah, I’m fine, sorry…got distracted. What were you saying?”
“ I was wondering if you wanted to come up and stay with me at Uncle Rich’s next week. I mean, I understand if you already made plans or something, it’s kind of late to be asking. My buddy Tom was supposed to come but he had to go visit his sister at the circus. So, do you want to come? My parents won’t be there, they’re staying home with Jackie for her softball tournament. But Rich will be there, and I think Jenn is coming home too, remember her? So…are you game?” Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting that. It was a surprise, but a good one. I think.
“Um, yeah, that sounds fantastic. I mean, I just have to check with my parents, but I’m sure they’ll be glad to get me out of the house. A week at the beach sounds great. I’ll call you back with the report?”
“Alright, boss, talk to you then.” Kyle said and then hung up. I closed my eyes for a second, and then allowed myself to let out a little “eeepp!” of excitement, and then rushed down the stairs to ask my Mom.

“Hey Mom…do you need any help with anything? You look really worn out.”
“Overwhelmed? I’m watching reruns of ‘Project Runway,’ what do you need?” My Mom asked suspiciously.
“Ok, well, Kyle wants to know if I can go spend the week with him and Uncle Rich in Maine.”
“Wait, Kyle Stark? Since when are you so close with Kyle Stark?”
“Since the St. Patrick's Day party. I’ve been talking to him pretty much every day. Where have you been, Mom?” I said. Seriously, how could she not have noticed this?
“Oh. Alright then. I guess that’s alright as long as Rich is going to be there.” I couldn’t contain myself, when these words left her mouth I squealed with delight.
“Thank you Mom, thank you! This is going to be awesome!” I sang out, and then turned to leave the room and call Kyle back.

Later that night, after Kyle and I had finalized our plans for Spring Break (we were meeting up Friday night after school got out at his house, taking the train up to Uncle Rich’s house, and then we would come back nine days later on Sunday night), I signed onto AIM, and got an IM from Kate.

KTBaby110: Hey girl
uhohXXitsmarie: Hey, wutsup?
KTBaby110: Nm, I was just wondering if you wanted to come down to the shore for the day with me and Sam next Wednesday.
uhohXXitsmarie: Ohhh. I don’t think I can. Just made plans
KTBaby110: oh, alright. What are you doing?
uhohXXitsmarie: I’m going up to Maine w/ Kyle for the week. Sry.
KTBaby110: Hockey hunk Kyle? No way.
uhohXXitsmarie: yeah, lol, that’s the one. Why no way?
KTBaby110: nothing, just didn’t know you were that close anymore. Do you guys have a thing going on?
uhohXXitsmarie: NO
uhohXXitsmarie: just friends. You know that. And he’s still off limits, btw.
KTBaby110: no fair. If you don’t want him, why can’t I have him? Fess up, you totally want him.
uhohXXitsmarie: NO, I don’t, we’re just friends ok. I gotta go.

Could Kate be anymore annoying? Just because I was hanging out with a guy didn’t mean I liked him. I guess that’s hard for her to understand, since she’s attracted to everything that walks. Whatever, I’m not going to let Kate get to me, I’ve got to pack.

it’s kind of late to be asking, my buddy Tom was supposed to come
its like a run on sentence, you should make it...i know its kind of late to be asking. (Start a new sentence) My buddy Tom was supposed to come..

to go ask my Mom.
it would make more sense to just say.. to ask my mom

I guess that’s hard for her to understand, since she’s attracted to everything that walks
haha i really like that line!

salsashanno wrote:Reviews are GREATLY appreciated!

Part Three:

A few times I tried to meet Kyle and a few of his friends at a party, and he tried to meet up

the word 'meet' and 'few' is repetition, so try rephrasing. Something like this:
For a few times, I tried to meet Kyle and some of his friends at a party. He also tried to [insert synonym for meet here] with me and my friends at the movies, but it never worked out.

“Marie…are you alright?” He didn’t mean it like that. Of course not. I must be loosing my mind in anticipation of Spring Break.

This was beautifully constructed, apart from the fact that you mispelt 'losing'.

“Yeah, I’m fine sorry…got distracted. What were you saying?”

Comma after 'fine'.

“ I was wondering if you wanted to come up and stay with me at Uncle Rich’s next week. I mean, I understand if you already made plans or something, it’s kind of late to be asking, my buddy Tom was supposed to come but he had to go visit his sister at the circus. So, do you want to come? My parents won’t be there, they’re staying home with Jackie for her softball tournament. But Rich will be there, and I think Jenn is coming home too, remember her? So…are you game?” Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting that. It was a surprise, but a good one. I think.

You are really good at writing dialogue, it's totally beliavable and realistic, which is an incredibly hard thing to pull off. Kudos Oh yeah and by the way, I thought ' are you game' was just an English term,:lol: Is it American as well? Ha, I'm so ignorant about things like this.

“Um, yeah, that sounds fantastic. I mean, I just have to check
with my parents, but I’m sure they’ll be glad to get me out of the house. A week at the beach sounds great. I’ll call you back with the report?”

Another great piece of dialogue. Yeah, parents are like that. (:

“Alright, boss, talk to you then.” Kyle said and then hung up. I closed my eyes for a second, and then allowed myself to let out a little “eeepp!” of excitement, and then rushed down the stairs to go ask my Mom.

Your writing is improving with each paragraph. Again, well-constructed and the way you portray emotions is great - not too melodramatic but not lacking feeling.

“Hey Mom…do you need any help with anything? You look really overwhelmed.”

Now, I don't know about you, but normally I wouldn't use the word 'overwhelmed' when speaking casually to my mother. Leave it if you find it realistic enough, but I would use a slang word or something, in England we say 'shattered', I'm sure you have an American equivalent? I know, it's only a little nitpick

“Wait, Kyle Stark? Since when are you so close with Kyle Stark?”

So well written The typical, suspicious mother, as usual Encourage you to socialize and then try to change you into a nun

“Since the St. Patricks day party.

Apostrophe after the 'k' in St Patricks. I think you might need to capitalize 'day' as well.

I’ve been talking to him pretty much everyday.

In this context, everyday is two seperate words.

KTBaby110: Hey girl
uhohXXitsmarie: Hey, wutsup?
KTBaby110: Nm, I was just wondering if you wanted to come down to the shore for the day with me and Sam next Wednesday.
uhohXXitsmarie: Ohhh. I don’t think I can. Just made plans
KTBaby110: oh, alright. What are you doing?
uhohXXitsmarie: I’m going up to Maine w/ Kyle for the week. Sry.
KTBaby110: Hockey hunk Kyle? No way.
uhohXXitsmarie: yeah, lol, that’s the one. Why no way?
KTBaby110: nothing, just didn’t know you were that close anymore. Do you guys have a thing going on?
uhohXXitsmarie: NO
uhohXXitsmarie: just friends. You know that. And he’s still off limits, btw.
KTBaby110: no fair. If you don’t want him, why can’t I have him? Fess up, you totally want him.
uhohXXitsmarie: NO, I don’t, we’re just friends ok. I gotta go.

This was a nice diversion from the normal story. I for one love reading MSN conversations in books (don't ask me why), so good move. You've also done this well, without the netspeak being too over the top, but not making it sound like you don't know how teens talk on IM. Great job.


OK, this was amazing. Your writing keeps getting better and better. Congrats! I await the next installement.

salsashanno-
You know, I'm starting to really like this.
The IM thing was a cute touch.
Oh, and are you planning to write about how the met when they were young? 'Cause that would be so cool. And I really like Kyle and Marie's friendship.
Sorry, if this wasn't helpful.
-Merry

Awwwwww.... this whole story is so sweet and simple, it makes me smile whenever I read it. I have a feeling Kate's going to do something unpleasant soon, here, though. Please let Kyle and Marie be together! *crosses fingers*

"Um..are you all right?"

Only two dots, there. Also, just a small, little-known fact about the famous dot-dot-dot. Also known as ellipses. It's treated just like any other punctuation - space afterwards before continuing the sentence. See above, with my long, drawnout 'aw' noise, then the ellipses, space, then continue with sentence. See? Just a little factoid.

Anyway, I'm off! (to read next part, naturally) Cheerio!

Yours ever,
Kool