Unforgiven

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All I can say is enjoy. Any comments are welcome and encouraged.

Elesther felt his hands before she saw them. “You look beautiful tonight,” Khelar said as he gently brushed Elesther’s brunette hair with his fingers. She held his palms to her face, letting their warmth flood over her body. Her closed eyes tried to open to get a glimpse of her lover but Khelar covered them. “I have a surprise for you, love,” he whispered in her ear. Khelar lifted her gently, carefully cradling her in his arms before kissing her lightly on the lips. Cautiously, Elestar opened her eyes, her lover’s warm hands no longer hindering her sight. His diamond white eyes met her gentle brown eyes for a moment, causing both of them to look away in embarrassment.

“You shouldn’t be here,” she smiled, taking his hand into her own before resting her head against his shoulder. “If they find you here they will kill you.”

“I would never miss your birthday,” Khelar replied sternly, “especially your eighteenth.” He used his free hand to rub her back, letting his hands dance gracefully down her spine. “You’re as old as I am now.”

“I am afraid I don’t know how many more I will be having,” Elesther sighed, her eyes melting at the thought.

“Don’t say such things,” Khelar spat, releasing her from his embrace. Her high set cheekbones were paler than usual; a telling sign that her sickness was not getting any better. “I promise you will get better, and when you do I will marry you.” Smiling, Elesther ran her hand through his long, raven black hair. A frown crossed her lips, but she said nothing. “Do not believe that I love you?” he demanded, taking hold of her hand again.

“Oh no, I know you do,” she smiled, “but I know that we will never be married. The doctor gave me three days.”

“The doctor knows nothing!” Khelar shot back, his eyes glittering dangerously at her. His hands let her go, forcing her away.

Elesther crawled on top of her luxurious bed to reach him. “Darling,” she soothed as she reached to touch his face. He let her, though he couching on the lump in his throat. A winter breeze came from an open window, sending a shiver down Khelar’s spine. “Red is such a nice color for you,” she commented, draping him with her red comforter, “it makes you look like a noble.”

Khelar ignored her and buried his head on her shoulder, hot tears running down his perfect cheeks. Elesther tried not to look at him incase she started weeping. Instead, she looked around her room, trying to find something that would distract her.

The room itself was very extravagant, with heavy drapes and mahogany furniture as the center pieces of her quarters. Her family crest, an eagle with a sword clasped in its talons hung above her bed serving, as a testament to her royal blood. A cheery fire danced in a stone fireplace, lighting the room with an orange glow. A twinkle of light next to her bed caught Elesther’s eye. The fire reflected sharply against Khelar’s sword hilt and his armor that lay in a corner of her room. Not just Khelar, she reminded herself bitterly, Captain Khelar of the King’s first company.

Khelar suddenly let go of her, his eyes widening. “Someone is coming,” he said tersely. Though Elesther didn’t hear a noise, she trusted her lover’s heightened senses.

“Promise me you won’t kill them,” Elesther hissed, her soft eyes pleading with him.

“Ele,” Khelar sighed.

“For me Khelar,” Elesther pleaded. Nodding, Khelar slowly began to rise from the bed. She grabbed onto his white tunic, pulling herself up so their eyes met. She leaned in, her perfume behind her ear making Khelar’s legs week. Their lips locked; moving with uncompromising passion.

The door to Elesther’s room suddenly burst open, revealing two royal guards dressed in crimson and blue. “Princess Elesther, get away from him!” one of the guards growled. “We have an arrest warrant for Captain Khelar of Haeland, signed by the king himself.” The two lovers separated, neither willing to break eye contact.

“This man is not responsible for my sickness,” Elesther scoffed, her eyes still glued to Khelar’s silver irises.

“Milady, he is the man behind your sickness,” the second guard spoke up, “the high priests have traced your illness back to his magic.”

“Only because her father says so,” Khelar snapped savagely, staring at the guards with murderous contempt. As one, the guards drew their swords, the bright steel glittered in the firelight.

“As Princess of Saric, I order you to stand down,” Elesther commanded, her voice weak, but commanding.

“We only follow the orders of the king,” the taller guard sneered taking a step forward. Khelar’s eyes flashed to his sword, but Elesther’s hand shot out to grab his arm.

“You promised,” she reminded him, her voice no more than a whisper.

“Grab him,” the shorter of the two guards yelled. The tall guard lunged forward, grabbing Khelar by his long hair and pulling him onto the floor. There was a sickening crack as Khelar’s head slammed against the cobble stone. Before Khelar could defend himself, the guard slammed his elbow into the side of Khelar’s face, making the young man howl out in pain. Crying, Elesther threw herself at her lover’s attacker, but stumbled as she tried to get out of her cushiony bed.

“Stay with the princess,” the tall guard bellowed as he hit Khelar with an armored fist, this time catching the wounded captain in the ribs. Khelar desperately tried to remain conscious while the tall guard brutally clamped shackles on his hands. All he could hear was the terrifying screams of Elesther wailing. The guard forced him out of Elesther’s quarters, pushing him to his knees into the stone corridor.

Khelar lost consciousness, but the guard lifted him to keep him moving. His mind became clear again when they reached the concourse between the royal families apartments and the main hall of the castle. The night sky was almost invisible because of the thick lair of fog that had crept onto the land. “Elesther!” he yelled, struggling against his chains but to no avail.

The guard pushed him forward, mocking the captain’s plea. Blood trickled down the captain’s chin, causing red spots to stain his white tunic. The taste of blood filled his senses, making his muscles tense reflexively. He wasn’t dead yet. Spinning on his heal, he brought the shackles against the side of the guards head. Hot blood jettisoned out of the guard’s broken ear drum, showering Khelar in a new coat of blood. Without looking back, Khelar ran to the edge of the causeway and looked down into the foggy gulf. He turned back to find another escape, but four guards were already running toward him.

Khelar straightened up, as he edged closer so his feet were tangling off the wall. “Stop in the name of the king!” someone yelled.

“I’m not letting that bastard kill me!” Khelar yelled back in defiance.

He jumped over the side, disappearing into the abyss.
If there is one thing in the world I CAN'T stand it is the Redwings.




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Elesther felt his hands before she saw them. “You look beautiful tonight,” Khelar said as he gently brushed Elesther’s brunette hair with his fingers. She held his palms to her face, letting their warmth flood over her body. Her closed eyes tried to open to get a glimpse of her lover but Khelar covered them [This is awkwardly worded try “She opened her eyes to look at her lover but Khelar covered them.]. [Start a new paragraph here]“I have a surprise for you, love,” he whispered in her ear. Khelar lifted her [s]gently[/s] [I don‘t like this description just take out “gently“], carefully cradling her in his arms before kissing her lightly on the lips [You used a lot of adverbs in this sentence - don‘t hinge your descriptions on them]. Cautiously [Cautiously? Why? Is she scared?], Elestar opened her eyes, her lover’s warm hands no longer hindering her sight. His diamond white eyes met her gentle brown eyes for a moment, causing both of them to look away in embarrassment.




“You shouldn’t be here,” she smiled, taking his hand into her own before resting her head against his shoulder. “If they find you here they will kill you.”
“I would never miss your birthday,” Khelar replied sternly, “especially your eighteenth.” He used his free hand to rub her back, letting his hands dance gracefully down her spine. “You’re as old as I am now.”
“I am afraid I don’t know how many more I will be having,” Elesther sighed, her eyes melting at the thought. [This description doesn‘t make sense…]


“Don’t say such things,” Khelar spat, releasing her from his embrace. Her high set cheekbones were paler than usual; a telling sign that her sickness was not getting any better [Show don‘t tell]. “I promise you will get better, and when you do I will marry you.” Smiling, Elesther ran her hand through his long, raven black hair. A frown crossed her lips, but she said nothing. “Doyou not believe that I love you?” he demanded, taking hold of her hand again.
“Oh no, I know you do,” she smiled, “but I know that we will never be married. The doctor gave me three days.”


I find it hard to believe that someone would smile while telling their lover that they’re not going to marry and she only has three days to live.


Elesther crawled on top of her luxurious bed to reach him. “Darling,” she soothed as she reached to touch his face. He let her, though he couching on the lump in his throat [What?]. A winter breeze came from an open window, sending a shiver down Khelar’s spine. “Red is such a nice color for you,” she commented, draping him with her red comforter, “it makes you look like a noble.”


Khelar ignored her and buried his head on her shoulder, hot tears running down his perfect cheeks [Try not to describe your characters as “perfect“ in anyway]. Elesther tried not to look at him in case she started weeping. Instead, she looked around her room, trying to find something that would distract her.


The room itself was very extravagant, with heavy drapes and mahogany furniture as the center pieces of her quarters. Her family crest, an eagle with a sword clasped in its talons hung above her bed serving, as a testament to her royal blood. A cheery fire danced in a stone fireplace, lighting the room with an orange glow. A twinkle of light next to her bed caught Elesther’s eye. The fire reflected sharply against Khelar’s sword hilt and his armor that lay in a corner of her room. Not just Khelar, she reminded herself bitterly, Captain Khelar of the King’s first company.


This description is a bit too random for my taste.




The door to Elesther’s room suddenly burst open, revealing two royal guards dressed in crimson and blue. “Princess Elesther, get away from him!” one of the guards growled. “We have an arrest warrant for Captain Khelar of Haeland, signed by the King himself.” The two lovers separated, neither willing to break eye contact.


.


“This man is not responsible for my sickness,” Elesther scoffed, her eyes still glued to Khelar’s silver irises.
“Milady, he is the man behind your sickness,” the second guard spoke up, “the high priests have traced your illness back to his magic.”


I don’t really like “silver irises” it’s too purple.

“Only because her father says so,” Khelar snapped savagely, staring at the guards with murderous contempt. As one [I think you mean “at once”] , the guards drew their swords, the bright steel glittered in the firelight.


I think this would be better worded as “The guards drew their swords at once”.

“As Princess of Saric, I order you to stand down,” Elesther commanded, her voice weak, but commanding. [First off, this is an odd description and secondly I don’t like the repetition of “command”]
“We only follow the orders of the king,” the taller guard sneered taking a step forward. Khelar’s eyes flashed to his sword, but Elesther’s hand shot out to grab his arm.
“You promised,” she reminded him, her voice no more than a whisper.


“Grab him,” the shorter of the two guards yelled. The tall guard lunged forward, grabbing Khelar by his long hair and pulling him onto the floor. There was a sickening crack as Khelar’s head slammed against the cobble stone. Before Khelar could defend himself, the guard slammed his elbow into the side of Khelar’s face, making the young man howl out in pain. Crying, Elesther threw herself at her lover’s attacker, but stumbled as she tried to get out of her cushiony bed.


I think you should tell us the guards name by now…the “taller” and “shorter” descriptons are getting over used.



Khelar lost consciousness, but the guard lifted him to keep him moving. His mind became clear again [This is a weird descripton…I think you should say he gain consciousness rather than have his mind clear] when they reached the concourse between the royal families apartments and the main hall of the castle. The night sky was almost invisible because of the thick lair of fog that had crept onto the land. “Elesther!” he yelled, struggling against his chains but to no avail.


The guard pushed him forward, mocking the captain’s plea. Blood trickled down the captain’s chin, causing red spots to stain his white tunic. The taste of blood filled his senses [Filled his senses? Just say mouth or tongue…], making his muscles tense reflexively. He wasn’t dead yet. Spinning on his heel, he brought the shackles against the side of the guards head. Hot blood jettisoned [I don’t think this is a good description]out of the guard’s broken ear drum, showering Khelar in a new coat of blood. Without looking back, Khelar ran to the edge of the causeway and looked down into the foggy gulf. He turned back to find another escape, but four guards were already running toward him.


Khelar straightened up, as he edged closer so his feet were tangling off the wall. “Stop in the name of the king!” someone yelled.
“I’m not letting that bastard kill me!” Khelar yelled back in defiance.
He jumped over the side, disappearing into the abyss.


Take out defiance.

II. LOVERS, EYES, TALL, SHORT

You use a lot of uncalled for repetition in this piece. You constantly use lovers and use eyes to convey emotion and what not. I think you should prune this away to avoid this. Along with giving us the names of the guards because the tall and short repetition gets a bit irritating after a couple of paragraphs.

III. OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought this was interesting…but unbelievable. The girl is dying and she’s smiling and doesn’t seem to care even though her lover is obviously upset over this. Also, I think it would help this piece a lot if you didn’t immediately jump into the reaction. Instead show us a bit of what it was like for them before she became ill. Otherwise, keep writing and PM me if you have questions or concerns.
Maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both - Regina Spektor




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Thanks for the reply. Would anyone else like to add anything?
If there is one thing in the world I CAN'T stand it is the Redwings.




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Well, Periwinkle got most of it. There are a few things:

His diamond white eyes met her gentle brown eyes (maybe use a different description here besides 'gentle brown,' because it is not a very vivid desription) for a moment, causing both of them to look away in embarrassment.


You seem to be using the word "eyes" a lot in here, and I guess it would be fine if you kind of spread them out more, but I think you should either use a different word, like "orbs" or something, or describe expressions and looks without mentioning the eyes. I guess, in this instance, you could say, "His diamond white gaze held her gentle brown one for a moment..." Also, something that confuses me here is that they "look away in embarrassment." Why would they be embarrassed at this moment when they are perfectly comfortable with each other at all other times?

“Promise me you won’t kill them,” Elesther hissed, her soft eyes pleading with him.


I don't think "hissed" would be the right word here. Especially because you use the word "soft" right after it. When someone hisses something, they are generally displeased, and their eyes would be hard, not soft and pleading. Maybe say "whispered." And also, again with the eyes. There are plenty of other ways to describe someone's expression besides their eyes, or at least stay away from the word "eyes." Yes, eyes show the most emotion, but in writing, there needs to be variety. Here you could say, "Her brows arched like a child asking for just one more cookie."


One more thing that kind of bothered me about this was the ending. The action kind of came out of nowhere and seemed a bit irrational/unnecessary. Especially how the guards would not listen to the princess, and they seemed to have no conscience or personality. I think it's always nice to give non-important characters personalities. Like you could have one guard looking conflicted for a brief moment and then going after Khelar.

Um... the description is okay, but what I want to know is how Khelar was able to get free later when he couldn't before. It's also a bit unbelieveable how he gained consciousness so fast, unless something happened to wake him up, in which case you would have to mention that.

I hope you don't think I was too mean. I really think this story has potential, but it just needs to be cleaned up a bit. I'm really interested in reading more. Keep writing!




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Here is an edited version of what I first wrote.

Elesther felt his hands before she saw them. "You look beautiful tonight," Khelar said as he gently brushed Elesther's brunette hair with his fingers. She held his palms to her face, letting their warmth flood over her body. Slowly, Elesther opened her eyes to look at her lover, but Khelar covered them as a climbed onto the cushiony bed.

“I have a surprise for you, love,” he whispered in her ear. Khelar lifted her gently, carefully cradling her in his free arm before kissing her lightly on the lips. Cautiously, Elesther opened her eyes; Khelar’s warm hands no longer hindering her sight. His diamond white irises met her gentle brown eyes for a moment, before Khelar let out a long sigh and looked away.

“You shouldn’t be here,” she smiled, taking his hand into her own before resting her head against his shoulder. “If they find you here they will kill you.”

“I would never miss your birthday,” Khelar replied sternly, “especially your twentieth.” He used his free hand to rub her back, letting his hands dance gracefully down her spine. “You’re as old as I am now.”

“I am afraid I don’t know how many more I will be having,” Elesther sighed, her eyes momentarily watering at the thought.

“Don’t say such things,” Khelar spat, releasing her from his embrace. Her high set cheekbones were paler than usual; a telling sign that her sickness was not getting any better. “I promise you will get better, and when you do I will marry you.” Smiling, Elesther brushed his long, raven black hair. Khelar shuddered from her cool touch. A frown crossed her lips, but she said nothing. “Do you not believe that I love you?” he demanded, taking hold of her hand again.

“Oh no, I know you do,” she smiled weakly, “but I know that we will never be married. The doctor gave me three days.”

“The doctor knows nothing!” Khelar shot back, his eyes glittering dangerously at her. His hands let her go, forcing her away.

Elesther crawled on her luxurious bed to reach him. “Darling,” she soothed as she reached to touch his face. A winter breeze came from an open window, sending a shiver down Khelar’s spine. “Red is such a nice color for you,” she commented, draping him with her red comforter, “it makes you look like a noble.”

Khelar ignored her and buried his head on her shoulder while hot tears ran down his perfect cheeks. Elesther tried not to look at him in case she started weeping. Instead, Elesther looked around her room, trying to find something that would distract her.

The room itself was extravagant, with heavy drapes and mahogany furniture as the center pieces of her quarters. Her family crest, an eagle with a sword clasped in its talons hung above her bed serving, as a testament to her royal blood. A cheery fire danced in a stone fireplace, lighting the room with an orange glow. A twinkle of light next to her bed caught Elesther’s eye. The fire reflected sharply against Khelar’s sword hilt and his armor that lay in a corner of her room. Not just Khelar, she reminded herself bitterly, Captain Khelar of the King’s first company.

Khelar suddenly let go of her, his eyes widening. “Someone is coming,” he said tersely. Though Elesther didn’t hear a noise, she trusted her lover’s heightened senses.

“Promise me you won’t hurt them,” Elesther hissed, grabbing onto his arms.

“Ele,” Khelar sighed.

“For me Khelar,” Elesther pleaded. Nodding, Khelar slowly began to rise from the bed. She grabbed onto his white tunic, pulling herself up so their eyes met. Elesther leaned in, her perfume on her neck making Khelar’s legs week. Their lips locked; moving with uncompromising passion.

The door to Elesther’s room suddenly burst open, revealing two royal guards dressed in crimson and blue. “Princess Elesther, get away from him!” one of the guards growled. “We have an arrest warrant for Captain Khelar of Haeland, signed by the King himself.” The two lovers separated, neither willing to break eye contact.

“This man is not responsible for my sickness,” Elesther scoffed, her eyes still glued to Khelar’s silver irises.

“Milady, he is the man behind your sickness,” the second guard spoke up, “the high priests have traced your illness back to his magic.”

“Only because her father says so,” Khelar snapped savagely, staring at the guards with murderous contempt. As one, the guards drew their swords; the bright steel glittered in the firelight. Khelar was able to make out the men’s faces. The shorter one he did not know but the taller guard was Eric Vanics, one of his own soldiers.

“As Princess of Saric, I order you to stand down,” Elesther commanded, her voice weak, but filled with authority.

“Listen to her Eric,” Khelar snarled to the taller guard, “I have no desire to kill you.”

“We only follow the orders of the King,” Eric sneered taking a step forward. Khelar’s eyes flashed to his sword, but Elesther’s hand shot out to grab his arm.

“You promised,” she reminded him, her voice no more than a whisper. Khelar instantly relaxed his tense muscles, allowing his tense shoulders to slump in defeat.

“Grab him,” the shorter guard yelled. The Eric lunged forward, grabbing Khelar by his long hair and pulling him onto the floor. There was a sickening crack as Khelar’s head slammed against the cobble stone. Before Khelar could defend himself, Eric slammed his elbow into the side of Khelar’s face, making the young man howl out in pain. Crying, Elesther threw herself at Eric, but stumbled as she tried to get out of her cushiony bed.

“Stay with the princess,” Eric bellowed as he hit Khelar with an armored fist, this time catching the wounded captain in the ribs. Khelar desperately tried to remain conscious while the tall guard brutally clamped shackles on his hands. All he could hear was the terrifying screams of Elesther wailing. Eric forced him out of Elesther’s quarters, pushing him to his knees into the stone corridor.

Khelar lost consciousness briefly, but Eric prodded the bloodied Captain to keep moving. Khelar’s thoughts became clear again when they reached the concourse between the royal families apartments and the main hall of the castle. The night sky was almost invisible because of the thick lair of fog that had crept onto the land. “Elesther!” he yelled, struggling against his chains but to no avail.

The guard pushed him forward, mocking the captain’s plea. Blood trickled down the Khelar’s chin, causing red spots to stain his white tunic. The taste of blood filled his senses, making his muscles tense reflexively. Spinning on his heal, he brought the shackles against the side of the guards head. Hot blood jettisoned out of the guard’s broken ear drum, showering Khelar in a new coat of blood. Without looking back, Khelar ran to the edge of the causeway and looked down into the foggy gulf. He turned back to find another escape, but four guards were already running toward him.

Khelar straightened up, as he edged closer so his feet were tangling off the wall. “Stop in the name of the King!” someone yelled.

“I’m not letting that bastard kill me!” Khelar yelled back in defiance.

He jumped over the side, disappearing into the abyss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is going to be a flash back for Khelar. The real story is going to take place ten years later.

The guards are not going to listen to her because their own lives are being threatened if they don't kill him.

The reason Khelar wasn't going to hurt anyone before is because he promised Elesther he wouldn't.

This opening is just to set the scene for how Khelar got the way he is in the future.

The next installment will be up tomorrow, thank you for the commments.
If there is one thing in the world I CAN'T stand it is the Redwings.



sometimes you just have to cry over spilled milk, and that is okay
— Youbeaucupid