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Welcome to Miami: Chapter 7.



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Mon Jul 14, 2008 9:34 pm
day tripper says...



*Dances around excitedly* Woo! After weeks and weeks of writers block, I've finally done it!:D This chapter needs lots and lots of work because I'm unsure about a lot of things, so reviews would be GREAT(:

His lips were soft, warm, plushy as they gently mocked the movement of mine. I let my hands freely wrap around his back, rubbing his perfectly sculptured body. His hands around my waist pulled my tighter against his chest. The energy between us was increasing, my pulse rate wouldn’t slow, my mind was in a haze, and my lips couldn’t tear. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he pressed me against the bed, deepening the kiss. I brought my hands up to his hair, breathing intensely into his mouth as I was shortly losing breath. His hands moved up and cupped my face and a small moan flowed out my mouth. Our lips parted and I felt the air seep it’s way into my lounges. Then, he quickly pulled off his shirt and then smashed his lips against mine again. I tugged on his hair, feeling the static run through my vanes. Then, so suddenly I felt his tongue enter my mouth, flickering with mine. My body froze and shivers were sent through my arms. He wrapped his arms around my waist, again, and continued to kiss me. My mind was in such a state of shock I couldn’t think clear until I came to one solution: This wasn’t Aaron.
Aaron was a boy who didn’t care about this, wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. He didn’t ask girls out, all he did was stay in his own mind. He accepted that he wasn’t in a higher social level like Carly and I were. And he was perfectly fine with it. This kiss felt like just some other jock trying to find his way into my pants.
“Oh, shut up!” My thoughts yelled. “You’ve wanted this for so long and now you’re sitting here pondering why you don’t like it?” But deep down, it wasn’t that I didn’t like it, I loved it. It was that it didn’t feel right.
As soon as it started; it ended, “Wait-” Aaron managed to get out between our kiss. I stopped and looked up at him. He stared down, his eyes darting all over my face with his brows burrowed. I couldn’t understand what was wrong. “This isn’t right.” He shook his head, his face so discouraged. He unwrapped my legs from his waist and pulled my hands off his hair. He reached over and pulled his shirt over his head, then he got up off the floor and walked out of the room.
At that moment, I felt something in the pit of my stomach. Something that felt like a ‘I told you so’ and a ‘In your dreams’ mixed together. Something that told you ‘You’re stupid’ and ‘What were you thinking?’. It was the feel of rejection and it was the worse of it’s kind.

*
Aaron took a deep breath as he walked along the Miami boardwalk. It was a very different scenery than the other boardwalks. The buildings were miles high, palm tree’s were every where and the people were extraordinary. He pulled down on his hair as he ran his hands over it, sighing.
He didn’t want to do that to Evie. Not kiss her, but leave her. He felt so right when kissing her. Like he couldn’t bear to ever let go. Aaron couldn’t stand the fact he walked out, but he shouldn’t have kissed her in the first place. All it did was make things even more awkward, having it been awkward enough that he liked her and had to sleep in the same bed as her. And there was no way Carly and Brad would split, knowing how ‘in-love’ they were. He hadn’t really hung out with Brad or Carly the whole time they were here and he was curious as to what they were up to.
He dug his hands into his pockets and hung his head, thinking. He had to make this right, but what he did to cause it wasn’t right. As Aaron kept walking, looking down at his walking feet he didn’t realize the other person in front of him walking who also had their head hung.
“Ah!” The girl yelped as he held her from falling. Aaron didn’t say a word, he just helped her on her feet and then straightened out his clothes.
“Sorry.” He mumbled, holding back some of his hair that had fallen in front of his eyes.
“Don’t be, I wasn’t looking.” He heard the girl sniffle as if she had been crying.
“I wasn’t either…” He trailed off as he looked at the once-crying girl. It was Carly! “Oh, Carly!” He breathed, trying his best to smile.
“Oh, hey. Why- why are you wincing?” Carly peered past her bangs a little to get a better look at Aaron. Being 6“, it wasn’t all too easy to see him, as she was only 5”3.
“I’m not.” Aarons attempted smile whipped off his face, now looking all too serious. “Are you okay?” He tried to be as helpful as possible, Carly looked like a wreck. Her pony tail had bumps, her bangs had fallen out of their clip, her makeup worn off, and her face looked like it was stuck in a pouting expression.
“I’m fine.” She stood up more straight, her body becoming more tense.
“Obviously not. But it’s non of my business if you don’t want me to know.” Aaron turned to walk away until Carly’s small hand grabbed his forearm.
“-I think Brad’s cheating on me.” She stated, trying to hold back her tears. Carly felt obligated to talk, but who else could she go to? Evie was friends with both of them and would certainly not believe her, Jessica wasn’t too much of her friend and Mia was too busy with her boyfriend to even care. Aaron seemed like the only good person to talk to.
“What?” He asked, confused. Last time he saw them together, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. “But, why?” By now, Carly’s hand dropped and she asked to go sit at one of the benches. She felt weird standing in the middle of crowded people, talking about her feelings.
They sat on a bench under the shade of a palm tree, relaxing. “Okay, well lately he’s seem...distant. I just figured he was trying to live up his vacation and that’s why he wasn’t into being around me.”
“You two were always being around each other.” Aaron laughed to himself. Carly and Brad were always kissing and giggling. How could she say that?
“No...not physically. But verbally. When ever I want to talk, which is what couples do, he always finds a way to weasel himself out of it. Plus, how can you say we’re always around each other when you’ve only seen us together a few times?” She looked up at him. At that moment, her thoughts about Aaron took a complete 180. She always thought of him being weird, different, and not good boyfriend material. But now, she could see how endearing he was. How good looking, how even though he was skinny, his muscles were toned and his jaw evened out. How his lips looked so full and his eyes so seductive- ‘No.’ Her mind shouted. ‘He’s not yours, he is Evie’s and you would have no right to get in the middle of that.’ She listened to her thoughts and looked at Aaron, still waiting for a response.
“Well, I mean, it’s just every time I did see you two, you were together.” He fumbled with his un-needed belt and slouched.
“Oh...well, no. It’s not always like that.” Carly sighed, crossing her legs on the cool bench.
“So, why do you think he’s cheating?” Aaron re-asked, not fully understanding.
“Well, he didn’t show up for breakfast and when I called him he was all freaked out and shouting as if he was in a loud place. After missing breakfast I called him again and he rushed off the phone, I heard girls in the background. He’s not even picking up his phone now.” Carly sniffled again, placing some of her bangs out of her eyes and behind her ear.
“Well, I think you shouldn’t jump to conclusions until you know the entire story.” Aaron got up and brushed off his jeans.
“I can’t stand to talk to him now...hey, could you ask?” She got up after him.
“Sorry Carly, but I have my own problems to solve first.” Aaron thought about Evie all alone in the hotel room as he looked down at the small, worried girl. Those big brown eyes were pleading for help, any help she could get.
“Please?” She whispered. Aaron didn’t know if it was an act or not, but what ever it was got to him.
“All right, fine.” He halfheartedly smiled.
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.
  





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Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:07 pm
alwaysawriter says...



It was awesome day! :D

The buildings were miles high, palm tree’s
No aphostophe between tree and S.

Why- why are you wincing?
I think you need to use more than two dash-things (can't rememeber the name of it) I noticed that in this too:

“Wait-”


But it’s non of my business
Misspelled none

“But, why?”
No comma.

When ever I want to talk
Whenever is one word.

How his lips looked so full and his eyes so seductive-
Period at the end.

‘He’s not yours, he is Evie’s
He's might flow a little better.

“I can’t stand to talk to him now...hey, could you ask?”
The dash-things instead of the eclipses.

Overall, I loved it. Great job!! :D :D

-Always
Meshugenah says to (18:12:36):
Kat's my new favorite. other than Sachi.

WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?
  





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Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:21 pm
Writing for love is a pas says...



Whow! I love this story!

Keep writing.
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~
  





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Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:57 pm
JC says...



my lips couldn’t tear

I don't really like this phrase...something about it has a weird kind of imagery and I think of lips literally tearing. Maybe you could say "I couldn't tear my lips from his," or something like that so that it makes more sense.

brought my hands up to his hair, breathing intensely into his mouth as I was shortly losing breath

This would sound better without the "shortly" in it.

Our lips parted and I felt the air seep it’s way into my lounges.

SP- Lungs.

It was the feel of rejection and it was the worse of it’s kind.

Feel should be feeling and I'm not sure about this but I think it might flow better with a comma after rejection.

He fumbled with his un-needed belt and slouched.

unneeded was just that, unneeded. But if you insist on keeping it, it sounds better to say unnecessary.
______________________________________
Okay, so after that I like the parts in third person better, and think that you should switch to it permanently. Especially in Evie's part. She seems to be sinking as a character while you focus on Aaron's development. It makes him a much more interesting character while she seems shallow and uninteresting.

Overall, I loved this chapter, but especially because of Aaron's developments and Carly's emotions. Evie was rather flat here.

Keep up the good work!
-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett
  








Mudwesterner
— BlueAfrica