Magic Carpet Ride - Prologue{unfinished}

This is the half finished prolouge to the first novel that have serious plans about finishing. I do have the second half of the prolouge, but it's really unpolished, pretty much the very first drafts.
Basically I'd like to know if you'd wanna read this, and your opinions on the main character(the person who's point of view it is from). Please point all my typos/grammar/spelling mistakes too please (:

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Thursday 6th March 2008

I probably just had the world’s most interesting and most horrible conversation. Normally when people phone you at four o’clock in the morning, you kind of expect that everything isn’t ok. Sometimes you are just too asleep and too happy with the way things are to believe it though. Is someone who loves you supposed to go and have sex with someone else? No? See I didn’t think so. Then why did I just have this conversation?

“Hello?”
“Oh my god Ivy. I am so fucking sorry.” Sobbing came from the other end of the line.
“What?”
“I am so sorry.”
“W-What for?”
“Shit! I can’t believe it. I am so sorry.”
“Jai tell me!”
“I can’t, I can’t.”
“What the hell is it?!”
“I just…I just…had…sex…”

Normally I would snap, and shout, and shout some more. I didn’t though. The words just didn’t come.

“I am so fucking sorry.”

Because I didn’t comprehend, I couldn’t argue back. All I could do was question.

“Why Jai? Just why?”
“I don’t know…I really don’t know…”
“I don’t understand Jai. We’ve been together nearly a year…”
“I know. I’m sorry!”
“Why did you do it?!”

Even though I would’ve still killed him, it would have been nicer to hear he had been drunk or raped by some psycho girl. He just continued to tell me he didn’t know. The only conclusion I could come to by myself was that he felt like it. Like when you sit there and pick the paint off things where it has starting peeling, for some reason its so fun and satisfying, but deep down you know it’s just going to piss someone off. It was just complete and utter mindless vandalism.


Jai wasn’t in school the next day.

Predictably rumours had spread like wildfire around the school. Not just about Jai, but other people too. Apparently there had been some fourth year party, which I had no idea was happening in the first place. All the rumours were so and so was completely off their face, or so and so slept with so and so. The one thing that was missing from rumours about Jai? Nobody knew who he had done it with.

I was late that day, so the rumours had reached my friends before I did.

The weirdest part of the day was lunch. Up until then it could have been any upsetting experience. I realised though how much what he had done would affect not just my life, but all our friend’s lives. We were part of a very close knit group of friends. Obviously I didn’t know how everyone would treat Jai next time they saw him. I semi-hoped they would stop speaking to him, even if it was just for a while. The way they spoke about him though, they didn’t appear to have much respect left for him.

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Yeah so there is still about double this to go (: Probably a lot more.
Please review.

Hello!

I wanted to let you know I removed some equal signs (which you were using for a line break) from your post because if you use too many, it stretches out the front page.

Have a nice day!

Is someone who loves you supposed to go and have sex with someone else? No? --- THE NO? SHOULDN'T BE HERE, IT MAKES THE SENTENCE SOUND ODD See I didn't think so. Then why, may I ask, did my boyfriend of three hundred and fifty one days---- YOU NEED A COMMA AFTER DAYS BECAUSE IT MAKES THE SENTENCE SOUND TO RUSHED go and do just that? Yes, that's right, four days before our one year anniversary----- A YEAR HAS 365 DAYS IN A YEAR NOT 355 DAYS, YOU SAID 351 DAYS AND 4 DAYS TO GO WHICH WOULD MAKE IT 355 DAYS IN A YEAR! he decides he wants to go and shag--- "SHAG" SOUNDS VERY ODD AND NOT THE RIGHT WORD TO DESCRIBE SEX, ALTHOUGH I KNOW WHAT IT MEAN'T, JUST BE BLUNT AND SAY SEX OR ANOTHER WORD FOR SEX OTHER THAN "SHAG" someone else. A complete random one night stand. I have no idea who the girl was,---- YOU DO NOT REALLY NEED A COMMA HERE BUT YOU CAN IF YOU WANT and I don't know anybody who does.

At the time neither of us had had sex. In our relationship neither of us saw it as the most important thing, but we had agreed not that long before that once we'd been together a year we would do it. We had been together long enough, and ask anyone, we were in love. It was just time to take it up a step. From nearly a year we had pulled out so many amazing memories together; significant moments, silly jokes and stupid arguments that we could look back and laugh at now. We had each others backs. We were best friends. --- THAT'S ALL GOOD, I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY IN THAT PARAGRAPH, BUT IT READ A LITTLE WEIRD AT A MOMENT OR TWO

Why then would he go and fuck--- HEY LANGUAGE, OH WELL that all up? No he wasn't drunk. No we hadn't just had a huge argument. And no, I wasn't having second thoughts. Not that any of those should have made it happen, or been excuses. As far as I can tell he just felt like it. It's like when you sit there and take off paint from things where it had already started to peel. For some reason its so fun and satisfying, but deep down you know its just going to piss somebody off. Its complete and utter mindless vandalism. --- I LIKE THE PAINT THING BECAUSE IT'S ABSOLUTLEY TRUE! IV'E CAUGHT MYSELF DOING IT AT TIMES

He brought everything upon himself. That is primarily loosing his girlfriend, and secondly months of torture, both internal, from myself and from former friends.----- WHEN YOU SAY "BOTH INTERNAL" AND I'M GUESSING THE NEXT WOULD BE EXTERNAL BUT YOU NEVER DESCRIBED THE EXTERNAL WAY HE WOULD GET HURT OR EVEN MENTION IT AND IT SOULDS WEIRD WHEN YOU SAY BOTH, BOTH OF WHAT YOU ONLY USED INTERNAL SO FIX THAT He says hello, I shoot---- MAYBE USE GIVE? him the dirtiest look ever. He tries sending me texts telling me how beautiful or pretty I am, I tell him to go fuck himself. As a guy in a French film I once said, "Action, Reaction!" He acts, I react. Who's the one person he can blame? Himself.

Yet for me it's all an act. I'd prefer to break down and cry than spend everyday like it's a day in a wrestling ring. Everyday though my opponent gets more and more tired. He feels ever more guilty for throwing that first right hook directly in my face. For every sharp jab I give him in the stomach he breaks down a little more. His stamina and ableneess--- ABLENESS to put up with it drops until the only thing he can do is fall to his knees and pray for forgiveness.

Do I not feel shame in hitting a man when he is down? I most deeply do; it drives me to tears. Underneath my wrestling mask though I cry. I have been betrayed. He was only supposed to be a sparring buddy. Like wrestling though, this whole thing is so fake. It's when he is down and telling me he still loves me that I cry. I'd kill to be able to say it back. I still love him. You ask how can you still love someone who cheated on you so severly? Well, that is because I have had no closure. I don't know why he did it. I don't know whether I am scared to hear the answer, but he won't tell me that. Either that or I just refuse to listen. I have racked my brains for a good reason day after day. I've come up with nothing. I just hold on though, hoping he might have something better, something that can justify his actions. If he doesn't? At least I know there is no valuable excuse for cheating on someone.


well i kind of liked this peice and i thought it lacked a hook to it i had to force myself to read through this little bit, i don't mean to be harsh but you ask me to answer it so i did anyway keep trying on improving your writing skills and i hoped that i helped, pm me when the next half is up

good luck

---Jon---

Ah well thanks for you honesty and pointing out of some very silly mistakes on my part (the whole how many days in a year thing, didn't really think there).

The whole use of shag in the first paragraph was to make it sound kind of minky, and also to avoid use of the same word twice in a paragraph.
You are completely right about the internal/external bit, I just missed it out when typing it up >.<


I'd like to know what would give it a hook? In your opinion anyway.

But thanks for the detailed review

This has gone of for four months now.---- I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE AWAY THE PERIOD AND ADD ON "IT WAS JULY" TO MAKE A LONGER SENTENCE, THAT SENTENCE WAS TOO SHORT, BUT ADD A COMMA AFTER NOW It is July. So far I have barely enjoyed a moment of summer. Instead I have spent my time constantly wishing things were like last summer. Trips to the beach, trips to Perth, some of us even went through to Glasgow and Edinburgh. It's not that we aren't doing this--- THIS SHOULD BE "THESE" things, I just have no fun anymore. Everyone else seems to have been able to find new things to make them happier. I just want everything to be like it was last year.

I'm sure I'm not the only one either. I wasn't the only person he lost after he did what he did. Last year we were both part of a very close knit group of friends. The majority of us went to my school, and he was the only guy there. That meant yes he did spend his lunchtimes with a bunch of girls. That's beside the point though. I am still of course with them all, but he was forced to find new friends. Initially-- YOU NEED A COMMA AFTER INITIALLY it was just a "What the fuck did you do that for?" Maybe they just all thought we would both figure things out. As they saw I was growing ever more upset, stressed-- NEED A COMMA AFTER STRESSED and angry their respect for him lessened. It took a month for them to loose-- YOU MEAN LOSE complete contact with him. The other guys, they still speak to him, but they told me they can never look at him the same way and that they have the greatest sympathy for me. I never made any of them turn against him. I supposed--- TAKE AWAY THE D IN SUPPOSED, IT DOSN'T SOUND RIGHT I'm glad they did though. It minimizes the time I have to see him.

With that he was forced to go and make new friends.--- ONCE AGAIN I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE AWAY THE PERIOD AFTER FRIENDS AND PUT A COMMA THERE AND ADD IT THE THE NEXT LITTLE SENTENCE BECAUSE IT IS WAY TOO SHORT OF A SENTENCE It's not easy for him. He doesn't even like his new "friends". They are just there to distract him from what he really wants. He goes and gets drunk now with his new--- THE WAY YOU USE "NEW" IS REDUNDANT, MEANING YOU ALREADY EXPLAINED THAT THEY ARE HIS "NEW FRIENDS, SO ERASE THE "NEW" friends. I don't know if that's another distraction, or if he just does it so he won't loose anyone else. His MySpace is strewn with pictures of him off his face. Not once though has his display picture been a picture that hasn't been us. Currently it's a close up, taken on his webcam. I'm looking down typing and smiling, whilst--- I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD USE WHILE INSTEAD OF WHILST BECAUSE "WHILST" DOSN'T FIT IN WITH THE WAY YOU'VE BEEN WRITING AND PLUS IT DOSN'T SOUND RIGHT HERE, BUT DO WHAT YOU WANT, BUT I WOULD PREFER YOU USE WHILE, IT JUST SOUNDS BETTER he leans over my shoulder, kissing my cheek, looking up at the camera. I don't even think I noticed he was taking a picture. I always thought the black and white version looked better. He said he thought it made him look like a zombie. He'd put up the black and white one---- ONE SHOULD BE ERASED AND I THINK YOU SHOULD USE VERSION IN IT'S PLACE BECAUSE IT SOUNDS BETTER as his display picture.

We had been together around about three or four months then--- NEED CMMA AFTER THEN and had just had our first real big argument. It wasn't really about anything in particular. Things had just built up over time and then had gotten a wee bit out of control.

He got flustered, phoning his friend saying "Oh crap she's gonna break up with me!" and other such mellow-dramatic stuff. For a couple of days we didn't really talk properly. He sent me texts seeking forgiveness but I mainly ignored them. I just needed a while to chill. Eventually I came to my senses and realised the stupidity of it all.

I tried apologizing to him, but all he could say was that it was completely his fault and that he just wanted to see me. Looking back, compared to what is happening now, it seems so stupid, immature and unnecessary. That was a long time ago though wasn't it?
----------- OK I THOUGHT THIS OTHER HALF OF THE PEICE WAS TRUTHFULLY, ALL OVER THE PLACE WITH GOING FROM THIS IDEA TO GOING TO FIVE MONTHS AGO ALL IN THE SAME SENTENCE. I REALLY DON'T MEAN TO BE MEAN ONCE AGAIN BUT I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD GO OVER THIS WHOLE PEICE AND RE-WRITE AND PUT MORE ACTION IN IT NOT JUST " WE'RE BROKEN UP BECAUSE OF THIS AND HE DID THIS AND WE USED TO DO THIS" TRUTHFULLY IT GETS KIND OF BORING, YOU ASKED ME WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HOOK AND I MEAN THAT IT HAS NO ACTION TO IT, AND I REALLY CAN'T STAY FOCUSED OR INTERESTED. A "HOOK MEANS THAT THE PEICE GRABS MY ATTENTION , LIKE A HOOK AND DOSN'T LET GO, BUT THIS PEICE JUST DOSN'T SEEM TO HAVE ONE, THE WHOLE PEICE I'VE READ JUST SEEMS COLORLESS AND DEAD, I WANT TO READ SOMETHING THAT IS AN EXPLOSION OF COLORS AND IS ALIVE, SHOUTING AND HAVING FUN.

I THINK WITH MORE EXPERIENCE YOUR PEICES OF WORK WILL BECOME MORE AND MORE EXCITING

BUT LIKE ANY GOOD WRITERS YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE


GOOD LUCK
---Jon---

I probably just had the world’s most interesting and most horrible conversation. Normally when people [s]phone[/s]---- I THINK YOU SHOULD USE CALL, BUT THEN AGAIN I'M IN THE U.S. you at four o’clock in the morning, you kind of expect that everything isn’t ok. [s]Sometimes you are just too asleep and too happy with the way things are to believe it though[/s]--- WAIT,--- THIS LINE THAT I JUST CROSSED OUT MAKES REALLY NO SENSE, TRY AND RE-WORD IT . Is someone who loves you supposed to go and have sex with someone else? No? --- COMMA AFTER NO? See I didn’t think so. Then why did I just have this conversation?


“Hello?”

[s]“Oh my god Ivy. I am so fucking sorry.” Sobbing came from the other end of the line. [/s] --- WHY WOULD JAI JUST COME OUT AND TELL IVY THAT HE IS SORRY, WHY WOULD HE EVEN TELL HER, WHY NOT KEEP IT SECRET?

“What?”

“I am so sorry.”

“W-What for?”

“Shit! I can’t believe it. I am so sorry.”

“Jai tell me!”

“I can’t, I can’t.” --- IF HE CAN'T THEN WHY IS HE EVEN CALLING, THINK OF A NEW WAY TO EXPRESS REMORSE

“What the hell is it?!”

“I just…I just…had…sex…”


Normally I would snap, and shout, and shout some more. I didn’t though. The words just didn’t come.


“I am so fucking sorry.”


Because I didn’t comprehend, I couldn’t argue back. All I could do was question.


“Why Jai? Just why?” ---- SEEMS A LITTLE UNDERTONE FOR NEWS LIKE THAT!

“I don’t know…I really don’t know…”

“I don’t understand Jai. We’ve been together nearly a year…”

“I know. I’m sorry!”

“Why did you do it?!”


Even though I would’ve still killed him, it would have been nicer to hear he had been drunk or it was because we had just had some epic argument----- WHY WOULD HE HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE OVER AN ARGUEMENT, I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE THE WHOLE ARGUEMENT OUT . He just continued to tell me he didn’t know. The only conclusion I could come to by myself was that he felt like it. Like when you sit there and pick the paint off things where it has starting peeling, for some reason its so fun and satisfying, but deep down you know it’s just going to piss someone off. It was just complete and utter mindless vandalism. ---- ONCE AGAIN I LOVE THE WHOLE PAINT THING



Jai wasn’t in school the next day.


Predictably rumours had spread like wildfire around the school. Not just about Jai, but other people too. Apparently there had been some fourth year party, which I had no idea was happening in the first place. All the rumours were so and so was completely off their face, or so and so slept with so and so. The one thing that was missing from rumours about Jai? Nobody knew who he had done it with.


I was late that day, so the rumours had reached my friends [s]before I did. [/s] ---- BEFORE THEY REACHED ME, YOU SHOULD SAY


The weirdest part of the day was lunch. [s]Up until then it could have been any upsetting experience. [/s] ---- THAT IS A VERY ODD LINE "UP UNTIL THEN IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANY UPPSETTING EXPERIANCE" --- ANY EXPERIANCE TO DO WHAT?Obviously I didn’t know how they would treat him next time they saw him. I semi-hoped they would stop speaking to him, even if it was just for a while. I realised how much what he did would affect not just my life, but everyone’s lives, especially if they stopped speaking to him. We were part of a very close knit group of friends. I couldn’t imagine everyday being like this.


WELL, I THINK THAT THIS REVISED PROLUGE IS 100% BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE/TWO. IT KEPT ME SOMEWHAT INTERESTED AND IT ACTUALLY HAD SOME CHARACTERS IN IT! IT WAS NICE TO HEAR SOME NAMES OTHER THAN THE BOYFRIEND! THIS PIECE STILL NEEDS SOME WORK BECAUSE IT WAS ODD AND VERY UNCLEAR ALSO VERY RANDOM AT POINTS. THIS IS A HUGE IMPROVMENT TO THE LAST AND KUDOSTO YOU. I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD LEARN HOW TO MAKE YOUR STORIES FLOW MORE WITH EASE AND GRACE, I DON'T MEAN TO BE MEAN BUT I THINK IF YOU CAN LEARN TO DO THAT THEN ALL OF YOUR STORIES WILL BE GREAT.

P.S.
THIS IS A GREAT IMPROVEMENT, BUT KEEP ON LEARNING HOW TO FORM YOUR SENTENCES AND MAKE YOUR STORY FLOW

IF YOU NEED ANY HELP IN DOING THAT I CAN TEACH YOU, THROUGH PM OF COURSE, I WOULD BE GLAD TO MAKE IT MORE EASIER FOR YOU TO WRITE BETTER, JUST PM ME WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE HELP I HAVE TO OFFER


PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE

---Jon---

Ah well thanks again for another brutally honest critique


Yeah the whole phone/call thing is just to do with country, so it'll just be staying :P

-Save-Ferris- wrote:This is the half finished prolouge to the first novel that have serious plans about finishing. I do have the second half of the prolouge, but it's really unpolished, pretty much the very first drafts.
Basically I'd like to know if you'd wanna read this, and your opinions on the main character(the person who's point of view it is from). Please point all my typos/grammar/spelling mistakes too please (:

=====================================================

I probably just had the world’s most interesting and most horrible conversation. Nice hook line. Makes me want to read to see what see what you're talking about. Normally when people phone you at four o’clock in the morning, you kind of expect that everything isn’t ok. Sometimes you are just too asleep and too happy with the way things are to believe it though. Is someone who loves you supposed to go and have sex with someone else? No? See I didn’t think so. Then why did I just have this conversation?

“Hello?”
“Oh my god Ivy. I am so fucking sorry.” Sobbing came from the other end of the line. color=red]This seems sort of choppy. Try a rephrase.[/color]
“What?”
“I am so sorry.”
“W-What for?”
“Shit! I can’t believe it. I am so sorry.”
“Jai tell me!”
“I can’t, I can’t.”
“What the hell is it?!”
“I just…I just…had…sex…” YES! You used a different line for each speaker! BONUS POINTS!

Normally I would snap, and shout, and shout some more. I didn’t though. The words just didn’t come.

“I am so fucking sorry.”

Because I didn’t comprehend, I couldn’t argue back. All I could do was question.

“Why Jai? Just why?”
“I don’t know…I really don’t know…”
“I don’t understand Jai. We’ve been together nearly a year…”
“I know. I’m sorry!”
“Why did you do it?!”

Even though I would’ve still killed him, it would have been nicer to hear he had been drunk or raped by some psycho girl. He just continued to tell me he didn’t know. The only conclusion I could come to by myself was that he felt like it. Like when you sit there and pick the paint off things where it has starting peeling, for some reason its so fun and satisfying, but deep down you know it’s just going to piss someone off. It was just complete and utter mindless vandalism. Interesting comparison. Though very true...


Jai wasn’t in school the next day.

Predictably rumo[s]u[/s]rs had spread like wildfire around the school. Not just about Jai, but other people too. Apparently there had been some fourth year party, which I had no idea was happening in the first place. All the rumo[s]u[/s]rs were so and so was completely off their face Off their face? Never heard that one., or so and so slept with so and so. The one thing that was missing from rumo[s]u[/s]rs about Jai? Nobody knew who he had done it with.

I was late that day, so the rumo[s]u[/s]rs had reached my friends before I did.

The weirdest part of the day was lunch. Up until then it could have been any upsetting experience. I reali[s]s[/s]zed though how much what he had done would affect not just my life, but all our friend’s lives. We were part of a very close knit group of friends. Obviously I didn’t know how everyone would treat Jai next time they saw him. I semi-hoped they would stop speaking to him, even if it was just for a while. The way they spoke about him though, they didn’t appear to have much respect left for him.

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Yeah so there is still about double this to go (: Probably a lot more.
Please review.

Okay, now time for what I came here for: tearing this to pieces! No I wouldn't do that, and it was actually pretty good. I'm confused about the age though. Before you mentioned school I figured the MC was an adult. Now they're in high school or something? You might want to clear that up.

Other than that. When I log back on I'll review the next part, but for now I have to go. Good luck writing the rest.

WHen you come out with the first chapter my forum is open.

Here I am!

I probably just had the world’s most interesting and most horrible conversation.

This would be better phrased as: "I probably just had the most interesting, yet worst conversation in the world." Or something like that. I also find this sentence very tame anyway, it doesn't draw us in and I'm not sure if it reflects the emotions of Ivy.

ok

Should be capitals (OK).

Sometimes you are just too asleep and too happy with the way things are to believe it though.

This is very vague and awkward. "Sometimes I'm just too deep in sleep, or revelling in my dream too much to notice it though."

“What?”
“I am so sorry.”
“W-What for?”
“Shit! I can’t believe it. I am so sorry.”
“Jai tell me!”
“I can’t, I can’t.”
“What the hell is it?!”
“I just…I just…had…sex…”

This is very weak, and I didn't like it. It feels like a bunch of talking heads, we aren't really there, just watching. Tell us the emotion the cracking or a short lapse of silence so we feel more in tune. For example: "I can't believe... I'm so sorry!" I listened to Jai sobbing on the other end, me sitting on the end of my bed rubbing my temples as my heart pounded against my chest. That wasn't a great example but it avoids missing important moments. The reader would be more inclined to understand it.

Normally I would snap, and shout, and shout some more. I didn’t though. The words just didn’t come.

Normally? So it happens often does it? I think you meant when you are shocked, you would shout. I think a great way to end this part would be to say: "He had sex?" So we have some fragility from the MC's viewpoint.

all our friend’s

This should be friends'--plural possessive.

***

Grammar for the rest seems fine so I am more concerned with the development of this plot. In terms of character, looking unsure. We still don't know anything beyond the first name of Ivy so it's going to be hard to bring out any form of characterisation as the plot progresses, I'm sorry to say. That first line tells us it is a diary entry, yes? So:

1) You have put further down: "Jai wasn't in school the next day," implying their should be a preceding entry. Then, "I probably just had the world’s most interesting and most horrible conversation," at the start. This is telling us that you had this conversation minutes ago, but it doesn't work because it mixes so we are now getting it happening two days ago. Very confusing.
2) We need more emotion, a little more present tense and descriptions. Tell us everything about your character. How does she feel before and after? Contrast before the phone call and afterwards, even some principle imagery (however, if it's a diary then don't go overboard).
3) The conversation should be in italics.

The rest I'm not sure of. The prologue should draw us in. Give us one major element that distinguishes this novel from any other story, where a boy cheats on his girlfriend.

Best of luck!

Hey, Save Ferris! Sorry it took me eight thousand years to get back to you. ^_^

I really like your narrator--I feel bad for her, but I can't help but read on because she's clear and honest. There's a hint of an ironic streak there, too, which is always cool to see. She and her scummy boyfriend are a lot of fun to read about.

The one thing I want to touch on is the phone conversation, because that's the bulk of this chapter, and the opening conflict for the story. Phone conversations are really hard to write, just because there aren't gestures or facial expressions to go off of. You want to snap the dialogue back and forth, but you don't want to have just "talking heads" against a green screen. Fortunately, though, the circumstances are kind of extraordinary, so here are a few things you can do to add atmosphere/interest:

- Make sure we know she's still sleepy. The fact that she's answering the phone from her bed at three in the morning is a positive fountain of possible descriptors--she's groggy, and trying to have a conversation. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with your parents when they first wake you up? Chances are, your head feels all cloudy and you say more than one thing that makes absolutely no sense at all. I want to see that in your phone conversation, too. How does she feel?

- Speaking of feelings: add her reactions to things. She's not only sleepy, but forced to deal with awfulness when all she really wants to do is sleep. Is she incredulous? Does she start to sweat? What's racing through her head when he speaks?

- Where is she? Still in bed? Or does she get up and pace?

- How does she feel after he hangs up? Where is she? Does she lie awake, or is it easy for her to go back to sleep?

There are loads of things you can sprinkle in throughout the dialogue so that it reads more like a full scene (stage and setting), and less like a script. And besides, your characters are fantastic, so you want to show them off. ^_^

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want me to ramble some more about a particular bit.