Young Writers Society

"If She knew what He did."

Written upon a grave,
A thousand words written upon a face,
How she lived with him so gracefully,
How she became his everything,
His wonder now, how to live this life.
How to become that man she wanted him to be.

Walking from her grave,
From that wooden tomb,
He begins to think,
How life is so black and blue,
How nothing seems to be what it used to be,
How his breath is the toughest thing, to do.

Sitting and alone,
Broken into despair,
How depression's hold is great,
How life's colors are bare.

Sickness upon his face,
Darkness within his eyes,
Dryness of longing kiss upon his lips.

She is his only cure,
For the pain inside his deceasing soul.

Needles beside his bed,
Pills scattered on the blood drip floors,
Flies dead upon web infested walls,
A Golden gun upon his lips,
Fear filling his breath,
Decided how to take his last moment,
Remembering who let him out of the womb
Or the same way she took the tomb.

-alberto-

Alberto,

A title would be nice here. You can't name your poem 'poem'. Where is the attraction in that? Unless "if she knew what he did" was the title. In which case, good title. Moving on. Don't repeat words when you don't have to. EX: "written" in the first line; "written" in the second line. Secondly, either rhyme together or don't rhyme at all. Tomb and Blue are not rhymes because Tomb is a closing of the mouth and blue is an opening. Same goes for grave and face. Also, you rhyme sporadically. You'll have a stanza where rhyming is constant, and then (last stanza) one where nothing rhymes but the last two lines. My advice: scrap the rhyming altogether. L2S1 is the best line. Grammar is important, as well. No comma in the last line of stanza two. Make sure your punctuation is in tact.

Overall, not bad at all. I would like to see a better format, but not bad.
cheers,
--Medusa.

Hello Alberto!

Okay, first off, you don't need a comma after every line. Also, put the poem's title in the title place, since your posting in the poetry section, we already know that it is a Poem.

From that wooden tomb,

He begins to think,

How life is so black and blue,

I'm guessing your trying to make a rhyme with 'Tomb' and 'Blue', but it doesn't really work that well, >< and even if it isn't a rhyme attempt, it looks like it is one which makes it not so good. Maybe attempt a different word at the 'Tomb' since the Blue sounds right with the 'Do' later in this.

This is a wonderful poem, make the changes me and Medusa gave, and possibly re-post it later for more critiques on the repaired version.

Keep it up!

~Arris

First of all, you people do NOT know how to give constructive criticism, especially Medusa. Read your work, Medusa, your a great writer. But Christ, please stop commenting, for everyone's sake.

I loved this poem. It was heartfelt and vauge with a clearly defined storyline. The imaginative wordplay was read, although some of the rhymes were sketchy at best. If you are ever running into a writer's block of rhymes, try using a rhyming dictionary or website. I use "www.rhymezone.com". Try it if you ever run into trouble like that again.

Other then that, I think this is a great poem.

Keep writing!
KKatie

Hello there Alberto!!

Welcome to YWS!!

Okay, first things first, we have a rule which indicates that you have to make 2 reviews first before posting any of your work. You broke that rule. PLEASE read the rules and FAQs first if you haven't read them. We are very strict about these rules.

Now, down with the critique. I thought your poem was nice. Very strong. It kinda leaves this hard, pounding thing in my heart knowing that the poem talks about mothers dying. I'm really becoming so sensitive about this topic.

I saw that you really are trying hard to make rhyming, but please, if you can't do it. Scrap it. Poems don't have to rhyme all the time, dear.

I already liked this poem a lot. But maybe you can do a little revising with some words and it will be better.

Peace, love and respect,
Casey

Now I can see why Dreamer pointed me in your direction. You've not had the best of reviews... but anyway, welcome to the site. If you need a helping hand or would like to meet a friendly face, feel free to pm me. And I'll see if I can help a little with this poem...

I tend to write poetry reviews as line by line and end with general comments but first I wanted to say that this starts pretty poorly but improves towards the end. Your Narrator's story is a little weak and unclear: what makes this love story different than any other? What makes this dead girlfriend and your Narrator special? Why should we care if he dies or not? And the rhyming needs work. It needs to be either more or less consistent (or removed altogether). I'd suggest less. An irregular rhyme pattern could work really well here but only if it's used effectively. Let's take a look at each line:


"If She knew what He did." [Nix the quotation marks and put this in bold. You clearly meant it as the title and it's a good title but display it as such.]


Written upon a grave, [Sometimes simplicity is most effective but here, I think you need a stronger image and to avoid repeating written so maybe 'Etched upon a stone,' because it also doesn't hurt to keep us guessing a little while.]
A thousand words written upon a face, [A thousand words sounds a little cliché and I think 'Words gouged into a face' would be more effective and then perhaps use a colon after it. That would fit well.]
How she lived with him so gracefully,
[s]How she became[/s] Became his everything, [I'd suggest ending this line with a full stop.]
His wonder now, how to live this life.
How to become that man she wanted him to be. [I don't like these last two lines. You can use your next stanza to show that he's wondering this (and do) so I'd suggest just removing them.]

Walking from her grave,
From that wooden tomb,
He begins to think,
How life is so black and blue,
How nothing seems to be what it used to be,
How his breath is the toughest thing, to do. [This has potential but it needs work. The previous reviewers are write in that it sounds awkward because it feels like you're trying to rhyme, even if you aren't. And it's too simple. There's no imagery, there's nothing to show this scene, to show us who your narrator is. You need a story. How did she dye? Was she his wife, fiancé? Girlfriend? Did she die in her sleep, was she murdered? Did she perhaps die at sea. Was the body recovered? Or is it an empty grave? Think about it! I'd suggest something like:

He lays the flowers down;
Pressed roses from their honeymoon.
A wasted gesture
for an empty tomb.

but that all depends on what story you go for and whether you decide to keep the rhyme or not. To be honest, this is going to have to be improved in stages. We can only give you so much advice on it as it is because it does have potential but it's raw and unformed and we don't know the story you want to convey. But I'd love to try and work on it with you.]

Sitting and alone,
Broken into despair,
How depression's hold is great,
How life's colors are bare. [Again, this is a little simple and unoriginal. Rather than talking of being broken into despair, use something more unique. Maybe snapped or jerked. Something that will catch your reader's attention and stand out.]

Sickness upon his face,
Darkness within his eyes,
Dryness of longing kiss upon his lips. [This last line is pretty good but the other two need work: they're unoriginal. What you said earlier about the words being across his face was much more unique. Maybe instead of saying 'sickness' you could describe it, describe this disease that has a hold of him and use it as an extended metaphor for depression and grief. And don't use darkness. Even shadows is better than that.]

She is his only cure,
For the pain inside his deceasing soul. [I think she was would work better. Remind your reader that she's dead and don't tell us so directly that he's dying. You want to hint at it but have it as a slight shock at the end.]

Needles beside his bed,
Pills scattered on the blood drip floors,
Flies dead upon web infested walls,
A Golden gun upon his lips,
Fear filling his breath,
Decided how to take his last moment,
Remembering who let him out of the womb
Or the same way she took the tomb.[color=red][This stanza is your strongest but the last two lines are, in my opinion, awful. I'd suggest moving the line 'Decided how to take his last moment' to a new stanza and maybe adding 'He has' at the beginning and then expand it:

He has decided how to take his last moment;
kisses the barrel once. Twice.
His fingers caress her trigger.

________________________
Overall, I think this has some potential. It needs some major editing to give it a more original turn and the imagery could be stronger but work on it and I think you could have a decent Narrative poem.

Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

p.s. Just realised that this has no rating. It should be rated R. I've posted a message in the JM forum so someone with the power here should change it for you shortly.