Young Writers Society

Rated for swears, suicide, and teenage boy's thoughts.

This is my new story, Suicide Kills Us All. (Which is a working title.) It's kind of strange. Connor kills himself, and it's kind of people's reactions...eh, you need to read it. Like, you *need* to. You *want* to.

Things to look out for:

- Character development! It's the whole point I wrote this, and I *need* to develop different voices.

- The therapist part. *Very* bad. (So stick it out - it does get better! In my opinion, at least.)

- Title suggestions.

- If you needed more hints/more subtle ones.

- Anything else!

Thanks so much! PM me if you'd ever like a critique in return.

Oh, and this is 31 words shy of 5k, but I figured it would be all right. Close enough, and such a shame to cut up.

~JFW1415

Edit: It was so late when I posted this that I forgot to give credit where credit was due!

Sam: For writing 'Parking Lot Sparrows,' which inspired me to write this.
Suzanne: For pointing me to Sam's story and telling me that I need to write more like that.
Cal: For making the Table of Doom (Historic.) I kind of stole the chart, took out many words, added one, and wrote. Then I ditched the words.

Thanks you guys! You're all freakin' amazing. (As are all those who critique!)

(Note to self: check out The Laramie Project.)

Currently being edited.

I know you wanted it all together! But I'm mean. I have some points to comment on, and I'll just do that here.

Voice

I know you've read Sparrows, and I can't exactly direct you back to it. But you need to give your therapist a unique voice. As I mention in the document - she comes off as a weak therapist. But despite that, she needs a stronger, more unique voice. It just sounds plain - and this might be because of the other things I mention - but keep it in mind. I don't know how she compares to the other ones at all, so there is also that.

Emotions

Your parents seem incredebly calm for the situation they're dealing with. It's like they don't care at all. Their dialogue shows a bit of their emotions, but not enough. Ask your mother or father what they would feel if you killed yourself (be sure to add "hypothetically" and "I'm doing research for my writing). It will be powerful. They won't just sit there. They might be violent, and show, or constantly crying. They will be concerned with why he killed himself, but they still need to show grief. They just seemed to sit there. It wasn't... It didn't seem natural, and I couldn't care for them.

Details

Your narrator isn't doing enough for me. She's just telling, but she isn't showing. What does the room smell, look, sound, feel like? How does the room reflect the characters moods? Or does it contrast them strongly? What do the parents look like? Not just physically, but going with the previous complaint, do they show signs of grief? Are they holding tissues? Make us feel in the scene. You can make us feel like we're being told a story - but put us in the scene, too.

I think you need explain more of what is going on. The whole scene is a bit off, because I can't entirely understand why the parents are with the therapist...? I mean, I know why, and perhaps I don't have knowledge in this area so my assumption is wrong, but ...? I don't know. It just came of strange, but now I'm making no sense, haha.


I'll do more later.

Hey JFW!
My critique is attached below. Regarding your questions above:

Character Development: [spoiler] I made a few notes about it but I was confused as to who you were developing. In my opinion, you didn't really develop Connor. We see his flaws and that he wasn't a perfect person, but we don't see why he committed suicide (I wrote a big paragraph about this at the end of my review). Maybe I didn't catch the hints but to me if they were there, they were too subtle. Trying to develop the character through others voices is tough, but he really didn't seem to change too much in my eyes. Yeah he went from perfect to imperfect but we don't see why he changed into a person who would want to commit suicide. [/spoiler]

Title: I actually liked the title a lot!

Therapist part: I thought it was fine. Her uncertainty is very clear. It is quite hard to do that type of job

Hints: Like I stated above more hints would be lovely. Actually I want to see a bucketful more of them because I couldn't really find that many in your piece.

I hope that helped! I loved it! It was genuis, seriously. I just want you to make it even more kick-ass.!!!!!!

First, before I talk about whether you write good or not, before I discuss character development and plot, before I comment on dialogue and structure, I have to say that your format makes your story implausible. A therapist doesn't write prose about patients. They certainly wouldn't write dialogue on a patient. You can make this a first-person written piece, or have the patients talking as if they were narrating, but the fact that you write this as a mock medical paper undermines your whole story. It's that kind of stuff that kill stories for me. Like, when you have an alledged millitary file, with metaphors and flashbacks, and dialogue. That doesn't happen. If you're going to do something like that, be sure it seems authentic. And yes, you're write, if it seems authentic it probably wouldn't be as entretaing, but... That's why you should lose the format.

It also makes the testimonies of people like the toy store clerk much less... believable. I mean, why would the psychologist interview, or treat, the toy store clerk? And by the way, the idea of a mother returning Christmas presents because her son killed himself is brilliant. It's just a very good idea but, again, it gets undermined by the logical question of: how are we hearing this, again?

This reminds me of the "National Treasure" movies. You know, those silly adventure movies starring Nicholas Cage. Those are fun movies. They don't aim at anything other than entretaining the audience and, man, if you have nothing better to do for about two hours, those movies deliver. So, in a way, maybe they're not great movies, but they are certainly a success. But then you start thinking about them... About how convulted the whole thing is. How Bejamin Franklin hid a code behind the Declaration of Independence, that would lead you to a Bell, that would reflect the sun in the direction of a wall, that would have hid inside a special pair of glasses, that would allow you to see things hidden in a map, that would take you to a tomb, that would have a riddle about an elevator, that would take you to a place where you have to light a fire that simbolizes Paul Revere's "the english are coming!" warning. Now, that makes no sense.

Why would they go through all that trouble? And how is anyone supposed to find it? If they wanted it gone, why didn't they just throw it in the sea?

But, hey, do these questions ruin a really, really fun movie? See, I don't know. Because no matter how fun the movie was, all I'm thinking is: "Man, this is a really stupid movie."

I mean, you understand my point? Like I said, the thing with the toy store, that's a really good idea. That could work fantastically in any other story, but the fact that I know this is supposed to be the therapist's notes, and that the therapist was supposed to be interviewing the students and that even if he was interviewing other people, why would he interview the toy store clerk?, kinda makes me forget it's such a good device. So, it's hard. OK. I'm rambling (National Treasure?), let's move on.

Random Thought #375: Don't say "playa". People don't say "playa." And before you ask: I am aware, of the word "player", which is usually the way it's pronounced unless you're in a recording studio wearing bling-bling, tapping that ass and bustin' some caps.

I must say that you really have that converational feel in your narration. The beginning conversation with the parents, the dialogue felt a bit awkward. Maybe because what the therapist was saying didn't feel very real (I wouldn't expect the guy to try and pinpoint the suicide to one reason), it wasn't comforting enough, it wasn't--

Oh! Oh! You know what you should do? You should watch "In Treatment." It's a HBO series starring Gabriel Byrne (that's the guy from the "Usual Suspects" and "Miller's Crossing"), and the episodes are half-an-hour long, real-time, therapy sessions. Personally, I rarely watch the series, though most of the episodes are kinda enjoyable without any previous knowledge. Anyways, see how Byrne's character, the therapist talks. He almost never offers answers, he dodges questions with other questions, or gives answers with numerous interpretations. He does so almost unknowingly. You see, therapists are sneaky fellows.

OK, moving on: about tenses. These people are supposed to be talking, and though you handle that pretty good most of the time, sometimes you have sentences like: "How he had paid for such a nice dinner. How he had held the door for her. How he had danced any dance she wanted." Say that out loud. It doesn't sound right, does it? Take out the "hads". You don't have to be gramatically right. You have to sound good. Sound funky. Sound authentic. You have it down, almost always, but sometimes you worry too much about that sort of things. Don't. If it sounds right (say it out loud, actually say the words), write it. If it doesn't, don't.

Another thing about making your narration a bit more talky: make your characters interrupt themselves. Check it out: "I know that Mom had gotten us hot chocolate and that we were sitting really close to the fire but we could still feel the cold air coming from the window because his Dad had opened the window the night before to tell something to the neighbors on the street and he had forgotten to close it so it froze that way." No human could possibly ever say that. Specially not to a psychiatrist. I mean, when people talk to a shrink they're usually self-concious and nervous and a bit uncomfortable. Certainly if it's the first session (which, since these are interviews, it kinda is). So, make the narration more... talky. Use "like" and "you know" and "I mean" and make them interrupt themselves, with "--" and "...".

Avoid long sentences.

For example, instead of that, it would be better to do something like this: "We were sitting close to the fire, and his mother made us some really nice hot chocolate, and-- You know how windows kinda... freeze shut sometimes? Well, they freeze open, too. And I remember that his father had to tell something to the neighbours the night before... Something about their lawn, or some stupid shit like that, and he'd forgotten to close the window, right? So now we're sitting in the fire, but we're still freezing our fucking asses off." Granted, that's not the best thing I've written, but it does sound more... authentic. Like something someone would actually say. Your characters are supposed to be talking. Make them sound like they are.

Random Thought #447: Do people allergic to peanut butter really get sick if someone else is eating peanut butter close to them? Seriously? And if they do, does the school really force people not to bring peanut butter sandwiches and shit? That's crazy, man. I kinda have to agree with the Devin dude. Why wouldn't the school get rid of him?

I'm writing this as I read your thingy by the way, and there's another thing that caught my attention: the Marcus testimony. He just tells some random guy he purges after lunch? People who vomit after eating rarely tell anybody, much less some guy whose interviewing them. And if they do, which I could buy, you know? I mean, it'd be hard to buy, but I could see one guy telling the guy interviewing them, specially since the interviewing involves some classmate of his putting a bullet through his brain... If he says something about that, he'd say it in an awkward and nervous manner. You know? Not just blurt it out like it's no big deal. Another sentence that doesn't sound good: "I held my breath, praying he wouldn't hear me, the taste of puke lingering in my mouth." Nobody speaks like that.

One of the good things you do is that you keep forshadowing the whole "hero" business, and don't actually reveal what Connor did until later in the story. That's good. It keeps us interested, and it sort of explains some things about why he may have killed himself. And even when you reveal it, you keep things vague, you do it from a detached point of view. It's good, man. Good.

Nick's testimony is brilliant. Just really smart. One thing though, do people really say 'rents? It sounds so... forcefully casual. Staged. Like Nixon shaking Elvis' hand.

Random Thought #676: OK, so you mention they are going to college sometime soon and stuff, but they have a curfew at ten? And you got some girl talking about how baddass she is because she goes to sleep at midnight? Come on, man.

Let's break it down, alright? You need to lose the format. You need to make this a story. Choose a couple of students. Make storylines for them. Figure out how they handle suicide. And make a story. With different point of views if you want, that's how I would do it, but this format is... kinda pointless. I mean, it's good. You write good, you have some good ideas about how suicide affects different people, and some of the emotions are good, even though you kinda linger on clichés like "I figured the emos would kill themselves", and "smoking makes you cool", but overall, you're good. But the format makes everything...

Not just because of what I said earlier about it making the story implausible, alright? But because it doesn't go anywhere. And that's fine. I have plenty of stories that don't go anywhere, but the thing is... Your story doesn't really have that thing that makes it all worthwhile. You know? It doesn't really justify its not going anywhere. I have the same problem. I do stories that don't go anywhere, that have the characters end up exactly like they began, and sometimes they work because I transmit an idea, and a point, and it seems important, but sometimes they are just a waste of time. I'm not saying yours is. Yours is pretty thoughtful. But is it something I'll remember in a week or two?

You could make the same points you are making, and transmit the same ideas you want, with an actual... story. Use this as a template. And then expand on it. Anyways, overall, good job. Gotta go. I know this review is sloppy, but I'm not a very good reviewer. Keep writing!

JFW!

Congratulations again on winning the review contest hosted by our dear Suzanne! It's my pleasure to be one of your reviewers for your lovely SKUA! Hopefully I attached this correctly, for I have never done this before myself.

I did enjoy the mystery feel of this piece. It was to put the pieces together and figure out the crime, and you led the reader to the answer, though the answer could definitely have been clearer with a couple more hints.

The first section with the therapist did need a little more attention -- you were correct in saying so. Hopefully I made some sense not only there but everywhere.

Well, enough jabbering on my part. Your critique as you have requested!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I think that was amazing!

I think there could have been a bit more emotion expressed, though...

I so want to read more!

More hints more hints!

Seriously, loved it.

I only hope I'm not being redundant!

Well, I've read the whole thing now. I'm going to be cruel - is that alright?

I didn't like it. I can't say I hated it, because hate takes effort, and I'm not that cruel. By the end of the story, there was no reason for me to remember anything I had just read - or care.

I'll take one problem at a time...

Point Of View

So, your big thing was the different point of views. The problem was that everyone sounded like everyone else, and I couldn't remember who was who. They didn't stand out - they weren't distinct. I didn't see people, I just heard people talking.

The Story You're Telling

This has to be one of the biggest problems. I'm reading the story, and the first thing I think: why are these people talking? Who are they talking to? Ok, so it's kind of... set up that they're talking to the therapist, I think? But that's unrealistic. She's a grief consoler - or she should be - and so many of those things they wouldn't tell her. Another reason this doesn't work is because everyone is just telling a story - which is soooo boring. I can't even explain how boring this is. I don't want to be told a story, I want to see it acted out, with dialogue, and action, and movement, and characters and blah blah. If you just have people talking to your reader, they'll get bored and stop reading.

For that matter, some of these people come in and just say a few thing. They're relevant to character development, but otherwise, I'm left asking what is going on. There isn't much realism to this story, and it doesn't make sense in several places. Rather than thinking of the story, I'm left thinking of the fact that I don't believe the set up.

Main Character

Your main character - Conner - is weak. Not because I don't see him, but because of what everyone is saying about him. Heck, it might just be the writing. I can't even remember his name without looking.

I can't connect to him, care for him, know who he is. You have half of the people calling him a "playa" and the other half saying he was a great guy. This inconsistency leaves only one thing: I have no idea who he is. You give no explanation - you don't say which on he was. Oh, sure, one person says he was whoever the people around him would like, but how do I know that for sure? You give no instance of it. And all of the things about him are so conflicting, I don't know what to believe. Do I hate him or love him? I don't know enough to decide, so I'm indifferent.

I have no clear view of who he is and what he is like. I seriously think he lacked a lot of development. Either he didn't show through enough in your story, or you need to make him more real. To be honest, he seems like a Mary-Sue-Male. He's the people pleaser, he's so perfect, blah blah, and you try to play off of the "well, but he's not completely perfect, see!" which is just cliché. Like I said before: why should I remember your story when I'm done reading it?

The Plot

Really, you have no plot, because you have no conflict. I mean, kind of, you have the "Why did he kill himself?" thing, but because I don't care about him, and I don't care about why, then I don't care to read. There's no... There isn't anything holding me on to this story. It just goes, and by the end, I'm not entirely sure where I am - or why.

You have a good base for a story, but you need to figure out how to bring it to life, and put it together properly. I dare say, think of this as an outline.

I'm rather tired, and I think I said everything I had to say... but if you have any questions, prod!

JFW1415,

Congratulations (for the no one knows what time) on winning the review competition ^_^ Here's my own, for your story, and sorry it took me so late.

You'll have a hard time finding my nitpicks, but that'll be only your fault


Cheers,
Esme


P.S. Er, differently. I need to change computers to get an extension that can work ._.

... off I go...

There.

Hi, JFW!


I'm doing this as a prize for Suz's contest, so sorry that I got here so late. I've been busy -- and distracted. I hope the attachment with my nitpicks works -- if it doesn't, make sure to tell me and I'll try again, okay? I had to make the font size bigger so that I could read it easily -- I hope that's alright. My comments are in red. (Also, just so that you know, I didn't look at anyone else's nitpicks, so mine may be redundant)

Anyway, onto the critique.


Well, this was a really interesting attempt. I like the idea of it -- of having a character sketch of someone who's dead, told from the POVs of a bunch of people who were connected somehow to him. Hearing what he was like through the voices of other characters. I also think it's interesting that he was considered great, but nobody actually liked him -- they all just wanted to like him, because they thought everyone else liked him. I really like the idea of it, and I really wanted to like the story itself... but (and I'm really sorry to say this) I didn't.

I didn't dislike it for the same reason as Suzanne -- I actually don't think that a story absolutely needs conflict and action in order to be a good story. I just feel like all the characters are all so whiny and annoying. They all seem like cliché high-schoolers, in a way. Each of them is just one of the classic characters that you expect from a 21st-century high-school. And none of them seem that traumatized by the fact that the most popular boy in the school just shot himself in the head. They all just go on being themselves -- worrying about the yearbook pictures, or people finding out they're bulimic, or whatever. I think that's the worst part: they don't seem to care.

And in the end, after reading the whole thing, I was horrified by the fact that I didn't care much either. I felt like "well, that was a good idea -- but why did I bother reading it?" Y'know? The end just felt kind of weak. "Rest in piece" is all very nice, but I feel like all the sections had pretty good endings, and any one of them could have been the final one. I wasn't satisfied. Maybe have a parent go last?

Also, it was a little unclear about the therapist. If these kids are talking to her -- why would they be saying these dumb things? Like all that riffraff about the yearbook pictures and stuff. That's not the kind of thing kids would say to an adult, I think. So maybe they weren't talking to the therapist? I don't really get it. If they weren't talking to the therapist, why did you bother telling us that she was going to talk to them in the beginning? That really needs some clarification. ^_~

Also, why does the mom go to shop so soon after he killed himself? Why doesn't she wait and rejuvenate at home before going out? I understand that it's nice to have the shop worker piece the hints together, but still. It's better to be realistic. ^_~ On the same token, how could she have bought three bags of toys from ONE store?! That's unrealistic, too.

One more thing: I noticed that some of the people talked about Connor in the present, and others in the past. This may be (and probably is) intentional, but I just want you to be aware of it.

Well, I really REALLY hope this critique isn't offensive/insulting. I'm just trying to be very honest. Overly honest, maybe. Let me know if you have questions/comments!

Hope this helps somewhat! (And I hope the attachment works...)
~Azila~

Hey there winner. Sorry that this critique is kinda late, I've been busy with other things.

He nods energetically, pulling their clasped hands to his chest.

The adverb "energetically" is quite tacked on with the sentence. This is because there's nothing before this sentence that shows that.

Half an hour to get their broken hearts broken into smaller pieces still.

I dislike this sentence due to the repetition of "broken" in it. It reads kinda clunky in my opinion.

“Connor’s always had lot’s of friends. He’s a very popular boy.”

One thing I dislike about dialogue is when a person mentions a person's name whom the reader hasn't even recognized yet through the narrative. It just means that the reader has to quickly absorb the information about this new person just in case this character is relevant to the plot.

“All I’m saying is that in most cases we can find one specific event that hurt the adolescent, that sent their lives spiraling out of control.”

You don't need the comma there. Also, I don't know about you, but spiraling out of control is a pretty bland way of saying everything's gone wrong.

The day before Christmas is always our busiest day. Bunch of parents shopping at the last minutes, stocking up on goodies and presents and wrapping paper and bows and a whole bunch of other stuff to give their spoiled kids who didn’t really need any of it.

This is rather telly. It lacks specific details which distinguishes your narrative's day before Christmas from many others.

He killed himself on Christmas Eve, leaving his mother to come into the store and ask me to return his gifts. What more did the papers need to know?

Doesn't this character think or feel anything for the events that have happened?

But I didn’t. We went out, sure. It was with this huge group of his friends – I didn’t really know any of them that well. We were seeing some boring old black and white film with English sub-titles – boring!

I want to know why she thinks that's boring, not to read something whine about it -.-

Overall impressions:

I'll sum up my impressions of this briefly. Notice that I didn't do line to line for the entire piece? That's because I've realized that there wasn't much point to it since it doesn't change the narrative at all. Despite all the different view points in this piece, it was told in a single bland voice. Seriously, everyone in this piece seems the same. You have teenagers that simply complain about social labels, physical appearance, boy-girl issues etc. It's like a bag of teenage cliches and people are taking different pieces of it and complaining about it. Yet, all we get is complaining and little justification as to why they feel that way.

One advantage of having different characters express their point of view on Connar is there is potential of seeing Connar from different view points. However, as your characters are under-developed and rely heavily on teenage cliches, it has become a big flaw. The reader basically has to try to connect what each of the different characters have to say like a jigsaw to understand who Connar is. To be honest, after reading different the different P.O.V on Connar, I still don't feel anything for Connar. He doesn't seem like a real person to me.

I personally would recommend that you ditch this piece and try again. The concept of this is fine with me, but it's so convoluted in terms of execution that I think you need to have a think about what message you are trying to convey to the reader with this piece. For example, what was the point of having the physicist at the beginning of the piece? He serves little role other than to info dump to the MC's parents that he's just born that way.

If you are going to rewrite this, I suggest you only have characters that are relevant in helping to tell the story. With that in mind, what are you trying to say about Connar's murder? That it's a good thing? A bad thing?

I hope that you will rewrite this. It has potential, but I think you need to consider as to what message you are trying to convey. Right now, that message is just a jumbled mess.

Andy.

P.S: If you have issues with character development, then think about this important question: How does my character help tell the narrative on the whole? How does his/her characterisation fulfil that?

- Character development! It's the whole point I wrote this, and I *need* to develop different voices.

- The therapist part. *Very* bad. (So stick it out - it does get better! In my opinion, at least.)

- Title suggestions.

- If you needed more hints/more subtle ones.

- Anything else!

Eh, that stuff will come later. Right now I need to tell you something very, very important. This story is insanely creative. I have never read anything so wonderfully rich in voice, character development and such. Most of the characters had a distinct voice and I could picture each one of them perfectly in my head. They were wonderfully created. The plot was extremely well done, also. You gave us a look inside everyone's head to see how they thought about Connor. It was very interesting to find out how he became a hero, and why everyone either likes/dislikes him. Extremely well done.

I said that most of your characters sounded different. Not all of them. A couple of them sounded the same actually. Conner's girlfriends all seemed sluttish. All of them. I don't really understand why. All of the guys thought he was a show off, and all of the girls thought he was perfect (except, of course, for the ones that didn't. XD) I don't have the document open right now, so I can't tell you exact names. (I did love the part when Jared was talking. Extremely great name. ). Oh, man, I'm rambling. So, if you didn't understand what I was talking about right here, I'm trying to tell you to go back and edit some of the characters so they don't all sound the exact same. Like the girlfriends.

I thought the main plot was interesting. Conner jumped into the ocean/lake thingy and saved Liam. Then he was made a hero, and all of the guys despised him. I really loved it, because that is really realistic. Man, I would hate it if some guy was crowed hero and stole all of the girls. That would really piss me off, and you depicted that in your story very well. See, I can't stop praising you.

Okay. Now I'm going to go and answer those questions that I quoted at the top. 1) I think I already covered this in the second paragraph. 2) Yes, the therapist part was probably the least developed part of the story. What I would do (if possible) would be to talk to a real therapist. Ask her how she would respond to what's going on with Conner's suicide. You would be able to get a great character development for her, and everything would turn out to be a lot more fleshed out. (I hope that made sense). 3) I actually really liked the title. That's what lured me in to read this fantastic story. It was really well thought out, and overall fantastic. 4) In the end, we all understood what had happened with Conner. We understood the whole plot, so I don't think that any more hints are necessary.

Overall, excellent. Although many do not agree, I found this terribly exciting. Well done, Jen. This was wonderful.

-Jared

Okay time for the overall comments (I suggest that you read this, then read the nit-pick attached and then come back to this. In fact, I’ll copy this to the end of the document so you can read it for a second time with ease.) I liked this. It might not seem that way while you’re reading my suggestions and criticisms but I did. I think it has some really great potential. Your characters need some serious work and I hope I’ve given you enough suggestions for that in the main body of text (if not, feel free to pm me for more) and the other thing you need to do is describe! I’m pretty sure, no I’m certain that I’ve ranted to you about using all five senses before. Again, if I haven’t, pm me and I’ll talk you through it. But that’s what you need in this piece. The bits of telling are okay but after a while they get boring and even your flash-backs don’t set a scene. You’ve covered emotion reasonably well in some posts but most lack a real atmosphere. You need to draw the reader in and have them racing down the page, trying to digest all this information as quick as they can before they reach your climax.

I don’t do overall comments too well with advanced critiques I’m afraid but take a look at the main file and if there’s anything that doesn’t make sense or a point you would like me to expand upon, get in touch.

Good luck with the edits! And one final comment: this has enough potential and was interesting enough for me to read it in one block sitting. Okay so it wasn’t great but I’ve read novellas with a weaker plot than this that are told so well that I’ve loved them. If you work on your style and your personas, this will be great. Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

First of all, congrats on your winnings! You really are an awesome instructor, and we're glad to have you.

This is going to be short because I suck. Or I don't want to be extra repetitious.

This was the interview I liked:

Kyle (Student)
That freak’s lucky he’s got a steady hand.

I saw some guy in the news one day who tried to do the same thing, but he didn’t do it right. He hit some part that wouldn’t kill him, and now he’s locked up in a loony bin with therapists swarming around him. If Connor’s hand had shaked, he could be in the same position right now.

Jeez. Who messes up a bullet to the head?

There were a couple of reasons I liked this. For one, it's so odd. It's like Kyle is trying to not say that Connor died. Instead, he looks at some guy in the news who didn't do it right, somebody who he has no connection to or cares about. It seems like he cares about Connor a lot... so much so that he wants to detach himself from the whole scene. The only time he mentions Connor is when he calls him "a freak" and when he talks about Connor's hand, but he seems to avoid talking about Connor directly. He never mentions what Connor meant to him, any memory he has, or anything.

He is in denial.

And that's what makes it so horrible to read, really, it does, because it rings of reality and makes you stop and wonder, "Is that me? Would I hide away and pretend it doesn't really exist?" And really, I think that's what you intended with your story, not so much as to make people interested in Connor (though obviously that is one side effect) but rather of their own thoughts about suicide and what would happen if somebody that they knew, even slightly, were to commit suicide, how would their own lives be shaken apart.

So that one little interview tore out my heart and made me wonder about how another's suicide would affect me. The rest?

I am not quite sure how to put it nicely, so I'll just say it: the rest was over-dramatic. It was like you were trying to make something bigger than it was. Connor was a man whore, Connor was a good guy, Connor cut himself, and so on. And so you tried to make him sound bigger than he was. But you don't have to make more conflict out of this--a young man has killed himself. Isn't that dramatic enough? Remember the foundation of your story.

And remember that one interview. Reread it over and over again if you have to. That is the truth you want. This seems to beg to be a study of grief and how people cope with it. Some people are in denial, some people want to talk about it, some people are in shock... research grief and see what you come up with. Grief is dramatic enough--don't clutter it up and make it some sort of high school soap opera. Make it real.

You're going to have to redo this, and in a way, that's a good thing. This is a very interesting concept written in a very interesting way. You've chosen a very hard, very mature subject, but I think you can handle it. Reach in within yourself if you have to, but write it. I think something like this is needed, and I'm glad that such a capable person that is not afraid of editing is writing this.

Good luck!

So, let's see. I'm very callous, sorry (in advance)

The Parents

They weren't hysterical enough. Their kid just kicked the bucket, and they sound like they're

mourning a favourite guinea pig. Make them (in general) have more hysteria.


Mr. Suicide


He needs more of a reason to commit suicide. You can envision him being Mr. Popular, and then

suddenly, strangely, at the drop of the hat, becoming Mr. Suicide. He needs more motive, other than

popularity's strain.


More to come!!!!

I made some general notes at the bottom of this, but my major qualms are (I guess) similar to most of the ones that have been noted above. Mainly, I don't really understand the format. These are a therapist's notes, and she copied down word-for-word what people are telling her? Maybe she was taping it... that would make a lot more sense. I think that's how they did Laramie Project. I'll shut up about Laramie Project now, because I already told you about it and referenced it 18345 times in the notes, and...

Basically, just give the kids something to empathize with, even if it means making them more pathetic in places. Even if they don't care about Connor, make them care about it because it hurts them somehow. Makes them think twice about something. I don't know.

Also, I don't use Microsoft Word, so let me know if this gets messed up and/or my notes aren't highlighted.