Bitter Sweet- Chapter Two

I liked it. I haven't read any of the other chapters so I don't know much about Mae but it was good anyway. If you haven't already written another chapter, you should--I want to hear more about Emery and how her Dad and Jeff feel about her leaving home. Just one question: If her Dad is her legal guardian, then why would her Mom be signing the papers? I mean, they'd mean nothing if her mom wasn't her legal guardian too, I think. Anyway, it was a good story.

I've read chapter one and the prologue, too, and I really like this story. It leaves me asking so many questions about the plot: Why do people stare? Is she pretty without knowing it? What's with her vision of Katrina? What will happen with Emery?
I loved the sly hints in this chapter.

There were mistakes though.

Here:

Then my mind snapped.

This seems like she went crazy. Maybe write, "Then it all clicked."

I began to rock.

This sounds like she bursted out in song. Maybe, "I wrapped my arms around myself, rocking back and forth."

I plopped on the bed and just lay there.

Try, "I plopped onto the bed and stetched out, just lying there."


There were others, but they were pretty small, so I won't be nitpicky. I really like this, so keep on with it!!!

this was good. i liked how she called her mom by her first name because it shows how informal their relationship is.

to make the transition in the moving, maybe make her protest a little at least to her mom, like maybe say "What about school?" and other things.
or maybe have her talk to her dad when she gets home, and be mad at him, and maybe say something like "Why did you say i could go?" or something.

i really like where this story is going, though. good job!

Hello, Holly! This is repayment for being freaktastically awesome every day. Thanks.

I looked at the five concrete steps down to the sidewalk, looking pleasantly damp. I looked over to my left and saw some kid around my age walk down the steps from the next house. I wondered if we were neighbors. I inhaled the scent of rain on pavement, one of my most favorite smells. I took a step forward, and suddenly I felt weak. I grabbed onto the railing of the stairs, gasping. I huddled over again, swaying dangerously. My lungs, my stomach, my whole middle area felt like I had been ran over, if you can imagine what that might feel like. I was underwater again, but this time, it was worse. I lungs felt already totally filled with water, and I was already drifting away from life. My head felt like it was being smashed in every direction; the pressure was starting to kill me. My vision became more falling confetti until it was almost black. I felt like I was falling forward, and suddenly, I felt nothing at all.

This is the only part in this whole, huge chapter that I absolutely hated. Want to know why? Look at the first word in the beginning of every sentence. Yeah. "I did this. I did that. I did this and I did that." So boring. Please change that.

Your pacing. Oh gee. It went by terribly fast. For all that happened in this chapter, it should have been at least two chapters. One chapter with her mom and her in NY, and one with her in school. Because this was really long, and filled with a lot of good stuff, and I find that having long chapters really discourages readers.

I've already said that you're a freaking awesome writer, and I still mean it. This story is incredibly unique. That's why I love it. It hasn't been done to death before, like some of the other stories on the site. Congratulations on that. If I find something that bugs me in these chapters, I'll be sure to point it out. I'm not very useful right now...

Good job, Holly. Keep writing this story, because it rocks.

-Jared

EDIT: Wait. There is something. I don't like how you keep switching back and forth between 'Mom' and Blanca. Stay with one the entire time.