The Lunar Cast

I'm going to be honest. I only read most of this.

You're English is solid. So is the concept. I'll give you that.

But that's not enough and what I'm about to say, there might not be a nice way to say this so...

It was boring. I had to wade through it. It could be interesting, though. It was sort of, "she did this, she did that" but with description.

Also, your sentences started to blur together after a while for me. You start them with so many pronouns, a thing very tempting to do, and something I have to consciously avoid.

Your flashback - an interesting idea. A good idea. A friend of mine has been experimenting with flashbacks, and we've discovered that they are very effective. However, I thought that you used the word "had" a bit too much. Something that I think might work better would be to let the flashback to be the norm for a while. Have it not be in the very past past tense, but to be in the present past tense, if you know what I mean. Have it read sort of the same as the main narrative, then have it so that the event "had happened."

Which brings me to another point. I think that it would make the transition from norm to flashback smoother if you had more of a break. More of a transition.

In the flashback, you use exclamation points a lot, I suppose to show what's supposed to be actiony. Now, I shall admit my biases. I have never been a friend of the exclamation point; it has always been my least favourite punctuation mark.

I thought that it was unnecessary. There's a better way to deliver these sentences. Deliver them unencumbered. Deliver them with strong emotion - fear, hatred, love, etc...That will make them stand out, I think.

Speaker tags: you use a lot of alternatives to the word said. People are so used to seeing the word said that they ignore it. While using these synonyms/alternatives can be easily pulled off, and it's always nice to have variety, I don't think you should neglect said.

Which once more brings me to another point. Your dialogue. It seemed unrealistic to me. It seemed to stiff. Would a twelve year old girl, terrified, really talk like this?

"Mother! Mother! Come on! I can not lose you both!" She had told her, dragging her by the cloth of the tunic she wore. "It's coming for us! We've lost enough tonight. There has been enough blood spilt!"

I know it's in a different place, different time (faux middle ages?), but they are still people. And this still seems too stiff, by far.

The unrealistic dialogue is very easily remedied. Listen to people talk. Get an idea of the rhythm and speech patterns of other people. Speech does have a rhythm. It's important, and it's how other people identify with each other. With that rhythm skewed, it sounds awkward.

I think this has potential. It really does. With some work it could be really good. As I said above, your English is solid, your concept could be quite neat.

Sorry it took me so long to reply, I didn't notice it got a review - oops!

bear wrote:I'm going to be honest. I only read most of this.

Ah, that's fine, I understand.

bear wrote:It was boring. I had to wade through it. It could be interesting, though. It was sort of, "she did this, she did that" but with description.

Also, your sentences started to blur together after a while for me. You start them with so many pronouns, a thing very tempting to do, and something I have to consciously avoid.

I guess I should make more of an effort to show rather than tell. I've been so used to the descriptive style, it'll be a hard habit to break, but I'm sure I can do it!

bear wrote:Your flashback

This was my first flashback, so I really appreciated this. I'll definitely work on it.

bear wrote:Speaker tags: you use a lot of alternatives to the word said. People are so used to seeing the word said that they ignore it. While using these synonyms/alternatives can be easily pulled off, and it's always nice to have variety, I don't think you should neglect said.

Ah, I make a conscious effort not to do that anymore. But I understand what you mean, and will try to avoid too much of this when it comes to the long overdue re-write.

bear wrote:The unrealistic dialogue is very easily remedied. Listen to people talk. Get an idea of the rhythm and speech patterns of other people. Speech does have a rhythm. It's important, and it's how other people identify with each other. With that rhythm skewed, it sounds awkward.

I've always had trouble with dialogue. The thing is, I think and sometimes talk in a stiff way, so it's easy for me to fall into this. It's a bad habit, but something I aim to break!

Thank you for your honest and helpful critique I'll keep it all in mind, and really appreciate it!

HC - hello and welcome to YWS. It’s an awesome and very, very, very addicting site : ) But, onward with your review, no? (sorry for the delay - you posted on my thread a while ago, I know).


Quote:
She could here the chatting, the clinking of glasses, the drunken laughter behind her.
Here - hear?


Quote:
"Aurora?" He said, frowning, concern thick in his voice.
Tag in minors.


Quote:
Zeb had taken The Lunar Cast as an excuse to drink to much.
To - too.


Quote:
Aurora hated them for that, but understood that they had too.
Too - to.


Quote:
I can not lose you both!" She had told her,
Can not - cannot. Minors - tag.


Quote:
"Forget." He told her calmly,
Comma, minors.


Quote:
She laughed a fake laugh, and took a sip of the brandy.
You have “brandy” a bit above, consider using something else.


Quote:
"I'll never forget. Not 'til my dying day." She whispered,
Comma, minors.


Quote:
Jitter had been purchased by her father on her tenth, from a market in Grove End. He had been named appropriately; He was fidgety for anyone but Aurora.
Also, after semicolon - minors.


Quote:
She held on to his black mane carefully, not wanted to hurt the horse.
Wanted - wanting


Quote:
She felt at one with the horse, but uncomfortable to say the least.
Unclear, a bit - consider rephrasing?


Quote:
The dark orange moon was almost at its' highest points:
Consider: its highest point. I don’t like that apostrophe at the end of “its”.


Quote:
After a few, long seconds, she entered her destination, and let the forest consume her.
No first comma.


Quote:
Midnight was creeping ever closer: She had but a minute left.
Consider not using the colon? A dash, perhaps, and then minors.


Quote:
She knew that her mother would be screeching through the house,
You have the horse screeching, too.


Quote:
She needs strength." Aurora's mother, Phi, said.
Comma before ending quotes.


Quote:
I feel sorry for her."
Same.


Quote:
The dark lump on the floor was indeed Aurora, who stared up at the sky.[/b]
Consider playing around with time here? I don’t like the one used here, it just doesn’t seem appropriate.


CAREFUL, CAREFUL…


-> Chunkiness. Throughout your story, you have some parts that are littered with extra short sentences. That’s not too good, just slows the read and each period is a jolt. An example can be found here:

Quote:
It has been a dreadful night. The images floated back into her mind. The Lunar Cast brought the joy of harvest. But along with it, The Night Creature.

-> Dialogue. Yes, it was a tad bit stiff. At first it was more or less okay, but the conversation between Phi and Danaan? No. Put yourself in their place, imagine what they would say, imagine what they are feeling, etc. (add body language?)

-> The Lunar Cast. The Night Creature - well, there the “the” should be capitalized, since it’s the start of a new sentence, but why is it in other places, where there is no full stop before? I think it would look better in minors (the).

-> The transition from “then” to “now”. From “memory” to “reality”. That wasn’t to smooth. At first I thought Danaan was also witness to the scene, though later I was proved wrong. But that is the crux of it all - later. I should have known that immediately, and not been confused into thinking something else.

-> Punctuation. Especially the dialogue one - that can be tricky at times, and you have to work on it. Analyze all the scenarios, and everything should be fine later on (there are articles on the subject scattered all over the web, and I think a few are here, on YWS). And the exclamation marks - those can indeed, and should, be avoided. They give the idea of false enthusiasm, or feeling of foreboding? It didn’t work, just looked weird. You’re a good writer, and can manage to make the reader feel so, but without falseness.


FANTASTIC

- was the title - it caught my attention, which is good.

- the story itself - which refused to let go of my attention, which is even better.

- plot. Seems like an interesting one, if you ever post any more of this, PM me.

- the ending sentence? Wonderful.



Cheers,
Esme

Thank you for the review. No worries about the wait, it was worth it. I have gone through it and made a corrected version, but I won't post it here until it's completely re-made.

Again, thank you. All your points have been noted

A few minor suggestions:

It threw deep oranges, bright reds into the sky, which became streaked with colour. [This could be a beautiful, descritive sentence if you thought about it more carefully but een if you want to keep it short, it needs to be '...deep oranges and bright reds...' and try to think of a word other than sky because you've used that in the previous sentence. Maybe change the first use of 'into the sky' to across the horizon?]

Aurora hated them for that, but understood that they had [s]too[/s] to.

Jitter sent up swirls of dust from the dirt track with each step [s]it[/s] he took, and Aurora smiled.

She dug her heel into her [s]stead[/s] steed, and he galloped more urgently, aware of [s]its[/s] his rider's anxiousness. [Using 'it' for a creature is generally okay but don't alternate between he and it. If you're defining the horse as a he, stick to that definition and if not, use it all the way through.]

He let out a small screech, and set off [s]in[/s] at a gallop through the marked oaks.

Phi looked down, clearly distressed. She was not a [s]a[/s] stupid woman, and she knew her child well.

Danaan rode a grey horse with a wild mane and devilish eyes, whereas Phi opted for a small black [s]stead[/s] steed with hazel flecks. [Your use of steed doesn't really fit. Traditionally a steed is a high spirited horse suitable for war or state while you seem to be suggesting that this horse is more docile. Perhaps describe it as a gelding or a mare?]

~~~

Where your dialogue and characterization are concerned, listen to Esme, she gives some good advice and the same with sentence length. I'd love to see a greater variety. Short sentences work very well in highly dramatic scenes but only if they're used sparingly.

Also I think your monster needs more of an introduction and description during the flash back. I think you should seperate that from the bulk of the text with dividers...

___________________________

like this....
____________________________

...and then place it in italics and possibly present tense? I think that would be really effective if you could manage it and it would give your reader a chance to feel closer to characters and to really see what happened. The reader needs to feel the characters' emotions and understand how tough the decision to leave the father is. Maybe have them watch through the window or glance through the window and then turn away. Show their grief and their anger - does Aurora want to hate her father for his stupidity?

~~~

The scene that needs the most work is the one between Danaan and Phi. Remember, this situation is urgent. They can't stand and talk about this, it's already almost midnight. They need to make the decision to go after her straight away. There should be no question as to 'should we get the horses' but rather it should be 'I'm going after her.' You could maybe have Danaan tell Phi to go home if he's the protective, sensible sort? And then Phi seems quite weak, the sort to hesitate a little before refusing. Think about that carefully though: they're reactions are essential to defining who they are.

~~~

In general, it's not the best piece of writing but it has potential and it was written a long time ago. I'd love to see a re-write and I'll gladly give you a more thorough critique if you pm me when it's up xx

Interesting. There were very many well written parts of the story, how you described the night sky, the consuming forest and so on. The characters didn't seem to have much depth, you explained the main charecter's past well but not about the woman she had become, other then her love for riding.

I felt the first flashback was at a random place. If the girl was alone and looking at the sun falling into the horizon, that would've made more sense to me. But you did it when she was in the middle of a conversation with someone.

I thought the dialouge in the flashback of when the girl was pulling her mother away from the Night Creature was... Uneccesarialy (sp?) dramatic. Um, I loved how she went back to face the Night Creature but I wonder how she knew excactly where it's lair was and if everyone knew why didn't the town form a malitia and storm the lair?

Overall I felt it was a good story with potentially memorable characters but all you really have to do is polish it and give it another look at. I'd enjoy reading more if you post another one.

-Pol

I'll be honest, I only read the first paragraph.

The sun was dipping low into the sky, barely a sliver visible. It threw deep oranges, bright reds into the sky, which became streaked with colour. Two bright eyes reflected this. A girl, no older than fifteen stared up, mesmerized. She knew what this meant. The Lunar Cast. She could here the chatting, the clinking of glasses, the drunken laughter behind her. A festival all of Grove Hill celebrated. The harvest moon would come out soon, and she would be forcing brandy down her throat. It was the way things happened here. There was a hot grip on her shoulder, and Aurora looked up, into the dreamy eyes of Danaan.

This paragraph is badly written, in the sense that all the descriptions bump into one another. As a result, nothing really stands out.

Keep in mind that we want to communicate what is happening clearly. So, this is what you're trying to communicate.

1. There is a pretty sunset.
2. Someone is watching the sunset.
3. The person watching the sunset is <15 years old. (So the person could be 12?)
4. The sunset means something.
5. There is a party nearby, which the residents of Grove hill are celebrating.
6. They are celebrating the haarvest, but she isn't looking forward to it.
7. Someone grabs her, it is Danaan.

The question is this: can we take this information and convey it in a clear manner?

It has been a dreadful night. The images floated back into her mind. The Lunar Cast brought the joy of harvest. But along with it, The Night Creature. No man or woman was ever foolish enough to stay out at midnight. It was not safe. But her father, her father had a liking to drink. Zeb had taken The Lunar Cast as an excuse to drink to much. He had fallen asleep on the chair, a drowsy smile on his face. His friends had tried to wake him, to shake him, to at least move him indoors. They called for help, but nobody would come. He was too large to even budge. So they left him.


Aurora hated them for that, but understood that they had too. Aurora had been in bed already, curled up with a scroll on Dark Magic. She had then fallen asleep, face on the parchment. She had awoken to deafening screams, piercing through the silence of the night. Aurora had sprung bolt upright; she knew that voice. Her mother was screaming. Aurora hadn't bothered to get dressed. In a thin vest and her underwear, she ran out into the cobbled street, where her mother was shrieking. She looked out and saw the scene: a black shadow hung over her father. He was turning pale, and the shadow was growing. She suddenly recognised it from books she'd read: The Night Creature was sucking the life out of her father! A puddle of blood lay at his feet. Her eyes opened wide, and she gulped back a shout of terror. Her blood was cold, and she was suddenly aware that two red eyes were watching them. It had seen them! Grabbing her mother's arm, she tried pulling her inside.

Keep an eye on the action in the story. This is a big block of telling, something that happened long before the story's present. More interesting would be if little bits of this information were spaced throughout the current action. Also, watch out that everything happening connects, and that it's not just a series of "she did this, then she did that, etc."

In general, I found this to be very lacking in context. For example:

Her mother had said nothing, but obliged to being pulled into the house. Aurora bolted the door, and stared out the window. The shadow was gone. Aurora looked up again. Danaan still stood, watching her. She guessed he knew what she was thinking. He sat down beside her on the edge of the ravine, and handed her a drink.


"Forget." He told her calmly, in a spellbinding voice.

"I can't, you know I can't!"

"Then let drink do it for you!" He smiled, gulping at his brandy.

She laughed a fake laugh, and took a sip of the brandy. She got up, walking towards the crowds.

"I'll never forget. Not 'til my dying day." She whispered, a whisper that was not audible over the roaring drunks.

^ this seems to be in the story for the sake of the words and how poingnat they might sound. But since we've only known the characters for such a short time, and since what we do know about them is all told and not shown, it doesn't really mean anything. There's nothing that makes me want to empathize with the mother since right now, she's just another character in a story.

I do think that this is something that would be better expanded. It needs the time offered in a longer novel or novella to explain the backstory slowly and to bring everything up to speed so that what's being said in the story's present can be much more affecting.