Young Writers Society

Alright people, here's the deal. I have decided to finally write a story that I have prepared for. This is part one of more chapters to come.

You're on in Five

I never really knew why on your graduation, you threw your hat in the air. I suppose it's to symbolize your new-found freedom, your breakage from the supposed prison that was called school. To me, it was just another way of dirtying up a piece of clothing and securing another chore you had to do when you got home.

My graduation was a couple of months ago. I admit, I miss high school a bit. When you go to a place day in and day out for four years, you sort of grow attached, you know? Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic to be free. I finally am not under the rule of my parents, the people who were gracious enough to give me (as a graduation present) enough money to buy my own place in the big NYC.

Of course, I had to convince them for hours to let me take a couple years off before college. Shouldn't I explore myself, discover what I really want out of life? In my opinion, you should know exactly what you want before you do anything as important as entering college. And my opinion tends to always beat out my parents - one of the perks of being an only child.

“My own place” was a gorgeous one bedroom apartment with a full-on kitchen, living room - the works. The price wasn't the absolute best, seeing how our economy is pretty much crap, but my parents are loaded, so all is well. Not to mention I have the most fabulous boyfriend I could have ever dreamed up. Michael has been my sweetie since my junior year, and yesterday he got us the best job in the world.

There's a radio station several blocks from my apartment, and his mom's cousin works there. She got Michael and me our own radio show, the main idea being us accepting calls from various people who are in need of help with their relationships. We have to start immediately because there were people who quit their job, and the station doesn't want to replace the show with music. That would be just as horrible as dead air, seeing how the music on the station is, well, horrendous.

I swiped my bag from the floor and rested it on my shoulder, the handle digging into my skin. I eyed the clock before I left and rolled my eyes – I had plenty of time. Michael had a tendency to think that I was unreliable, therefore calling me an hour before I was due somewhere. Like I had the capability to be late.

As I walked down the hallway, I realized that my heels had an immense dislike for me. They kept getting wedged into the floor and causing me to nearly fall over. Eventually I gave up, ripping off the shoes and charging back into my apartment. I approached my closet and threw the heels into it, taking out a pair of wedges. I made a mental note to return those shoes sometime soon.

I exited my apartment once more and clonked down the stairs, noticing the attack of rain that was victimizing my poor building. Hopefully the doorman will have a spare umbrella, even though I had no problem using my bag. Damn thing probably was cutting off my circulation. I let it slip from my shoulder and into my hand, which ate up most of the handle so my bag wouldn't drag on the floor.

“Hey,” I greeted our doorman. “You wouldn't happen to have a spare umbrella, would you?” The man shook his head regretfully, opening the door as he did so.

“Sorry ma'am,” he apologized, shooting me a pitiful smile. His five o' clock shadow clashed with his incredibly white teeth. “But I reckon the rain's about to let up, don't you think so?” I poked my head outside and felt massive raindrops plop onto my neck, causing me to shiver, retreat back into the lobby, and thank the lord for the invention of the heater.

“Right,” I lied, unreeling my bag and dropping it on top of my head. “I'll see you.” He nodded his hat and closed the door when I stepped out into the rain. I ran to the edge of the street, waving my hand like an idiot. People should have courses on how to hail a cab.

Fortunately, I was successful. A cab skidded to the curb, splashing a puddle of water onto my open-toed wedges. I threw my bag onto the seat before I stepped in, and listened to the enjoyable sound of my teeth chattering. I told the cabbie where I needed to go, and he sped off in that direction, taking me to the radio station.

I sighed as I leaned my head on the back of my seat, closing my eyes for a moment. After a moment's time, I realized that I hadn't gotten my morning coffee yet; hopefully there was a shop by the station.

I must have dozed off, for I had to be woken up by the driver, who was telling me that we had arrived at our destination. I yawned and sat up, digging into my now-dry bag and retrieving a couple of bills. The cabbie took them and handed me my change as I stepped out into the rain once more. “Thanks,” I told him as he drove away, once again cruelly torturing my toes with cold water.

There was a coffee shop a couple hundred yards from where I was. I grinned, putting my bag on my head once more, and approached the shop. A bell rang as I entered, the warm heat encasing my body as I stepped into the welcoming aroma of caffeine. “Two vanilla lattes?” I ordered, already getting out my wallet. The boy behind the counter nodded, handing me my order within a couple minutes. I swiped my Visa and exited the shop, sipping my coffee.

My drink helped my mind drift away from the fact that I was drenched head-to-toe in freezing liquid. I pushed open the door to the radio station with my foot, for my hands were preoccupied with carrying my delicious morning wake-up call.

I was immediately bombarded by my boyfriend, who seized my hand and led me down the hall. “Mirabelle,” he sneered. “I told you you'd be late.” I rolled my eyes; he should have called earlier.

~~~~~~~~

Alright, so this is in first person. It's raw, and the first chapter of a story that seems to be going nowhere (but I assure you, it's not) . Anybody generous enough to help me?

LovableLittleSock,

First of all, hello. That short inrto over, let’s move on to the mechanics of the crit: I’ll start out with a usual line-by-line one, and then’ll come any impression, likes and disliked I might have. Onward, then.



Quote:
To me, it was just another way of dirtying up a piece of clothing and securing another chore you had to get to when you got home.
When you think about it… true.


Quote:
And my opinion tends to always beat out my parents': one of the perks of being an only child.
I don’t know about that colon. Hmm. I don’t suppose I’m particularly helpful now, but, it just doesn’t fit there!


Quote:
She got Michael and I our own radio show,
“Michael and me”?


Quote:
“Thanks.” I told him as he drove away, once again cruelly torturing my toes with cold water.
Comma after “Thanks”.



Well, this is quite short, and yes, in first person. Personally, I find it very hard to write in that way, but it’s not my personal hardships that we’re discussing, but your story. You managed to make full use of that first person, and the text flowed very smoothly.

I usually post a section about characters, but here it’s impossible, since we have only the main MC, and then perhaps her boyfriend, whose role is minimized to the last paragraph. However, the MC seems a pretty strong character, and is three-dimensional and alive. Points to you on that. The reader knows that she recently graduated, has a job and a boyfriend. Summarizing, she has potential.

I also can’t say anything about the plot, simply because I do not see any. I’m taking your word on it that if you post the next section, I’ll be able to do so.

The text is well written, and, as was said, flows smoothly. There was no chunkiness, everything connected with the other, and there were hardly any mistakes. Referring to that shortness, and (of course, up to this point) lack of plot, that is all say at the moment. However, you have managed to interest me, and so I’m curious how this’ll turn out.


Cheers,
Esme

Well written. I didn't really feel like the story was going anywhere, but that is probably a personal thing rather than any fault on you part. Except for a few grammatical nitpicks (which Esme has already point out to you) there is very little wrong with this. You have a nice turn of phrase which fits with the character. I liked it.

I liked the last half. It was good. The use of realistic features is good for stories. this seems like a real/fiction story. Fun to read, it was. Keep writing.

Hello, Sock! Here upon request and desire, of course! ^_^

To me, it was just another way of dirtying up a piece of clothing and securing another chore you had to [s]get to[/s] do when you got home.

And my opinion tends to always beat out my parents': [dash instead] one of the perks of being an only child.

Colon doesn't seem to belong there.

“My own place” was a gorgeous one-bedroom [?] apartment with a full-on kitchen, living room, [dash instead] the works.

The price wasn't the absolute best, seeing how our economy is pretty much crap, but my parents are loaded. [comma instead] So all is well.

There's a radio station [s]a[/s] several blocks from my apartment, and his mom's cousin works there.

She got Michael and [s]I[/s] me our own radio show, the main idea being us accepting calls from various people [s]who[/s] who are in need of help with their relationships.

We have to start immediately because there were people who quit their job, and the station doesn't want to replace the show with music, which would be just as horrible as dead air, seeing how the music on the station is, well, horrendous.

This is kind of...long, lol.

As I walked down the hallway, I realized that my heels had an immense dislike for me.

I exited my apartment once more and clonked down the stairs, noticing the attack of rain that was victimizing my poor building.

Ah, it's not her building, but the landowner's building.

“Hey,” I greeted our doorman. “You wouldn't happen to have a spare umbrella, would you?” I asked politely.

You don't need two tags, especially when they're in the same paragraph, right next to each other. One is sufficient. We'll know who's speaking.

“Sorry, ma'am,” he apologized, shooting me a pitiful smile. His five [s]'o'[/s] o' clock shadow clashed with his incredibly white teeth.

I think that's right. I know there's only one apostrophe, and I think it's after the o.

I told the cabbie where I needed to go, and he sped off in that direction, taking me to the radio station.

After a moment's time, I realized that I hadn't gotten my morning coffee yet; hopefully there was a shop by the station.

“Thanks. [comma instead]” I told him as he drove away, once again cruelly torturing my toes with cold water.

There was a coffee shop a couple hundred yards [s]away [/s]from where I was.

Overall

This impressed me straight away. After reading the first couple sentences, I knew I didn't have to worry much on grammar. These are either typos or serious nitpicks/opinions. Very nice, grammatically anyway!

This was pointed out earlier, but you seemed to be going no where with this. The beginning was slow, too. It was kind of dragging and info-dumpy. However, I don't know how else you could write the beginning. This could probably just be ignored, lol.

You have excellent word choice, and the entire piece flowed smoothly. The MC's voice was clearly heard in this the later we read. You did an awesome job with your MC. Hopefully you'll do the same with the bf and other characters to come.

I would also love to see how this has any importance to the story's plot, lol. Why do I need to know about her high school graduation? I dunno, but maybe that'll be answered later. This is a good start to whatever you plan to do with it! Any questions, PM me anytime! I'm more than happy to help!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey! Here's the promised critique. Sorry for taking so long!

Nit-Picks

I never really knew why, on your graduation, you threw your hat into the air. I suppose it's to symbolize your [s]new-found[/s]newfound freedom, your breakage from the supposed prison that was called school. To me, it was just another way of dirtying up a piece of clothing and securing another chore you had to do when you got home.

You kind of contradict yourself here. Maybe ‘…school, but to me, it was just…’ That would work a bit better, I think.

I admit, I miss high school a bit.

Either 'I admit I miss high school a bit,' or 'I'll admit it - I miss high school a bit.'

“My own place” [s]as [/s]is a gorgeous one bedroom apartment with a full-on kitchen, living room - the works.

Apostrophes, not quotes for the 'my own place.'

I swiped my bag from the floor and rested it on my shoulder, the handle digging into my skin. I eyed the clock before I left and rolled my eyes – I had plenty of time. Michael had a tendency to think that I was unreliable, therefore calling me an hour before I was due somewhere. Like I had the capability to be late.

Then why hasn’t he called yet…?

As I walked down the hallway, I realized that my heels had an immense dislike for me. They kept getting wedged into the floor and causing me to nearly fall over. Eventually I gave up, ripping off the shoes and charging back into my apartment. I approached my closet and threw the heels into it, taking out a pair of wedges. I made a mental note to return those shoes sometime soon.

I don’t like the repeat of ‘wedge.’ First it’s bad, then it’s good – it seems odd.

[s]Hopefully the doorman will [/s]I hoped the doorman would have a spare umbrella, even though I had no problem using my bag.

Then why’d she hope that?

Damn thing probably was cutting off my circulation. I let it slip from my shoulder and into my hand, which ate up most of the handle so my bag wouldn't drag on the floor.

Huh?

I was immediately bombarded by my boyfriend, who seized my hand and led me down the hall. “Mirabelle,” he sneered. “I told you you'd be late.” I rolled my eyes; he should have called earlier.

Wait – did she enter the building? And if he always called, why didn’t he on such an important day? Also, didn’t she say she was never late?

Overall Comments

You said so yourself – it seems to be going nowhere. As this is your first chapter, that is the worst thing you can say.

I would advise you to completely ditch this. (Well, maybe not completely, since it has some good information that you can refer to later.) Jump right into the action! Show us what’s happening.

Us readers are pretty smart. You don’t need a whole chapter describing things – we can figure it out. Show us her in her new apartment, struggling to pay the bills, her still dirty (from lack of time to clean it) graduation cap lying on the washing machine. The whole ‘I told you you’d be late’ thing was great, so why’d you go on and on about it earlier?

I would start at her walking into the building (show us what it’s like!) and have her boyfriend intersect her. Start with something exciting, people moving – don’t bore us with history. (There’s a reason people sleep in that class.)

The writing’s not bad, but it’s all telling. It won’t hook your reader yet.

Sorry about the harsh critique! PM me when you get more, when you get to the actual story, and hopefully I can give you a helpful critique instead.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

Well now that everyone's already gotten the nit-picking over with I get to tell you how much I liked it.

This was a very good introduction to the main charater. It shows her personality well.
Maybe you could describe things more to make it just a little longer?

All in all this was very good and I can't wait to read more.
Keep me posted.

~Rachael

Hello! It took me a while to find this, it seems the link you gave in my boutique was wrong? But in any case here I am, with broom et al. ^_^

I never really knew why on your graduation, you threw your hat in the air. I suppose it's to symbolize your new-found freedom, your breakage from the supposed prison that was called school. To me, it was just another way of dirtying up a piece of clothing and securing another chore you had to do when you got home.

This is an awkward beginning for more than one reason. You start with "I" but then use the subject "you" as well. Try to rewrite it without using the second person, otherwise it is strange to read, especially as the first paragraph! Sometimes the second person is all that can be used (this happens to me a lot in descriptions) but if you can keep out of the second person, do so! For example: I never knew why, at graduation, everyone threw their hats in the air. I suppose it was a symbol of new-found freedom..." On another note, try to keep away from words like "really" or "very" Just cut them out. Since you are in first person though, it may fit your narrators voice, but if it doesn't and it seems like a useless word, cut! The last sentence doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me either. It does, but then... it doesn't?

When you go to a place day in and day out for four years, you sort of grow attached, you know?

I think there should be commas in the first part.. but I'm not sure. Again, second person! Just keep out of it. It's bizarre to speak to the reader.

Of course, I had to convince them for hours to let me take a couple years off before college.

I would rephrase this: It took me hours to convince them to let me... Saying "I had to convince them for hours" sounds like you had to have them convinced for at least, say, five hours until they would agree to it. Instead, you had taken those hours until they were finally convinced. Er, do you understand what I mean?

And my opinion tends to always beat out my parents - one of the perks of being an only child.

This statement doesn't seem believable to me. Only child or no, the parents opinion tend to win out. If you're trying to show that the parents are weak towards their child's opinions, try to explain it better, or give a better example.

“My own place” was a gorgeous [comma] one bedroom apartment with a full-on kitchen, living room - the works. The price wasn't the absolute best, seeing how our economy is pretty much crap, but my parents are loaded, so all is well.

Hopefully the doorman will have a spare umbrella, even though I had no problem using my bag.

The story is all in the past tense, except here. I would suggest rewording: "I hoped the doorman had a spare umbrella...."

Damn thing probably was cutting off my circulation. I let it slip from my shoulder and into my hand, which ate up most of the handle so my bag wouldn't drag on the floor.

I don't understand either of these lines.

“Hey,” I greeted [s]our[/s] the doorman. “You wouldn't happen to have a spare umbrella, would you?”

You only need to mention the umbrella once. I would suggest having the dialogue (this part) of it, instead of her talking about asking the doorman for an umbrella. Her talking about it is telling, which is bad!

and thank the [s]lord[/s] Lord for the invention of the heater.

“Right,” I lied, unreeling my bag and dropping it on top of my head.

I think to say that she lied is strange, because the question is "Do you think the rain will let up?" and so it is an opinion, and you can lie about your opinion, but when you agree with someone randomly on the street, I think "lie" is too strong of a word. Agreeing is just what you do because you're leaving, and a full conversation isn't necessary.

and listened to the enjoyable sound of my teeth chattering.

I don't think chattering teeth would be enjoyable. Maybe annoying, or alarming? imo.

I sighed as I leaned my head on the back of my seat, closing my eyes for a moment. After a moment's time, I realized that I hadn't gotten my morning coffee yet; hopefully there was a shop by the station.

You used the word "moment" twice, and too close together. Also, you did the "hopefully..." thing again, which is in present tense where as the rest is past tense, like I said before.

SHOW DON'T TELL

I'm fairly certain other people have covered this already, but I will anyway. Your first five paragraphs could be completely cut out, and you would be fine. It is all telling and infodumping, which is horrible for a story, especially the beginning! Think of it just like when you meet someone in real life for the first time. Do you know everything about them, including their relationship status, w hat they do for a living, and what they thought of their high school graduation? You start out slowly, and learn more and more as you get to know the person - it should be the same with your character. I would suggest looking through the writing tips section for stuff on beginnings, and the Character Development usergroup might help, too.

Apart from that, you still do a whole lot of telling! This was the best example I found:

I must have dozed off, for I had to be woken up by the driver, who was telling me that we had arrived at our destination.

This is so boring. If a whole book was written like this, I would fall asleep! You want stuff to be happening, you do not want to tell your reader what happened. Make your reader apart of it!

Something was digging into my arm. No, pushing my arm.

"Hey! Wake up," I heard in a grisly voice.

I mumbled something and rolled over.

"Hey, are you going to get out of my cab or not?"

I finally opened my eyes, and remembered I was in the cab.

"Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry!" I grabbed my bag and started to leave.

"Aren't you going to pay!"


I'll stop there, but already you can see. I have action and dialogue. Of course, the writing isn't too great there, but you get my point. You can also add in more details and such, but just telling us what happened is a really bad idea.

OH NO! CONFLICT

I'm going to be honest. This is boring. But I can help! Why is it boring? Because nothing is happening! You might say, "Well, she's talking about her life, and then she's getting ready for work, and going to work, and getting coffee, and then..." but why should I care?

Beginnings are really strange things. There are a lot of things you need to achieve with a beginning, and in a short amount of time (about three paragraphs). Here is a short list: grab your reader's attention, introduce your characters and make the reader care about them, introduce conflict.

You have small, small conflict with the shoe, but it's so minor it doesn't even count. If there is no conflict in the story, technically nothing is happening. Stories thrive off conflict. Your character needs to have a problem. Maybe she is on her way to an important meeting about the radio show that could boost, or end, her career as a radio talk show host, but then her heels break! And she has no other shoes to wear. What does she do?

Or maybe the cab driver turns out to be her long lost cousin, who is currently in the city looking for her. Or maybe he is a killer. Or maybe she gets a phone call that her boyfriend was just killed in a horrible car accident.

As you can tell, there are innumerable possibilities. You just need to figure out which one is going to happen in the beginning, and write about it! For short stories, the first conflict is the only, or one of the only, conflicts in the story, and it should exist through the whole story and resolve by the end. For novels, the beginning conflict doesn't have to be the main conflict, but it should be big enough that we care, or it should relate to the main conflict in some way. Without this conflict though, there is no story. So either you started in the wrong place, or you need some conflict! Start swinging punches, and see what happens. I highly suggest you look at the Character Development user group - it could be a lot of help for you, because developing your characters is a great way to find conflict.

I hope this helps! If you would like more comments, I can try to think of more things to suggest, but these were the two biggest problems, and I think those need to be corrected before anything else. ^_^ If you have any questions you know where to find me!

Hey, sorry for the delay. Many technical difficulties and then just complete incompetence (on my part completely).

Now that I'm here it seems that everyone else has beaten me to it. So, sorry in advance if I'm merely repeating what has been said, hopefully you can still draw from my input.

I never really knew why on your graduation, you threw your hat in the air.

I think you need to open with a stronger line. Your first sentence of a story is like first impressions - they give the reader a sense of what is about to go on and what the rest of the story will be like. It could even make them read, or not read, the book. Although this is an interesting idea it lacks something. To be honest you could even just re-arrange it slightly so it reads better.

I finally am not under the rule of my parents, the people who were gracious enough to give me (as a graduation present) enough money to buy my own place in the big NYC.

This is a bit awkward and I would say that you need to re-arrange some of it so it's not boderline a run-on sentence. You may want to try something like (don't feel like you have to use this, it's just an example):
I'm finally no longer under the rule of my parents, who were gracious enough this year to give me enough money for my own place in NYC. You've got to love graduation presents.

Of course, I had to convince them for hours to let me take a couple years off before college.

This could do with some mixing up and a few more words. Try putting an 'of' before 'years'. You could also change 'I had' to 'it took' and then go straight into 'hours' and then 'to convince them......'.

Not to mention I have the most fabulous boyfriend I could have ever dreamed up. Michael has been my sweetie since my junior year, and yesterday he got us the best job in the world.

I'm not to sure about the way you introduce the reader to Michael. It's a bit blase and it makes it seem like he's not going to be at all important to the story. Try putting in some description. If they share the apartment why don't you say something about waking up next to him or something that ties the apartment in with the boyfriend. (Hehe, not in a way that makes it sound like they come together - buy 1 get 1 free....!)

She got Michael and me our own radio show, the main idea being us accepting calls from various people who are in need of help with their relationships.

Should be 'She got Micheal and I....' Perhaps go on to say, 'Kinda like love doctors'. Or something which expands on this idea.

I swiped my bag from the floor and rested it on my shoulder, the handle digging into my skin.

This is a bit of a sudden change from general information into action. Perhaps work on making it smoother or make it clear by putting in ***.

I realized that I hadn't gotten my morning coffee yet

'Gotten' should be 'got'.

“Two vanilla lattes?” I ordered, already getting out my wallet.

If it's an order than you don't need the question mark. Also, by not putting in a 'please' you're creating a certain feel to your character. I think you might want to add it in as your MC seems quite polite (she previously said thanks to the cabbie and was nice to the doorman) up until this point and it's just a nice touch to have.

I pushed open the door to the radio station with my foot, for my hands were preoccupied with carrying my delicious morning wake-up call.

Description!!!! This is an excellent oppurtunity to describe the exterior of the radio station, her first impressions of her new job.

was immediately bombarded by my boyfriend, who seized my hand and led me down the hall. “Mirabelle,” he sneered. “I told you you'd be late.” I rolled my eyes; he should have called earlier.

This is a dodgy place to end your chapter. I suggest you lead it on a bit more or just leave this paragraph to the next part and re-word the last bit so it's a bit more final and well-rounded.

Overall

Your writing is good and has a laid-back quality that comes from the MC mainly.
To improve I would say that you need to be more certain with your tenses. A few paragraphs skipped from past tense to present and you need to choose one and stick to it.
Also, don't be afraid to put in description and expand on what you say. Buildings, areas, people all need to be structured in the readers mind - we can't see what you can.
Little details are always fun as well....

So, keep writing and pm me if you want me to critique any more that you post.

Alainna
xxxx

“I never really knew why on your graduation, you threw your hat in the air.”
- I’d add a comma after “why”.
“ your breakage from the supposed prison that was called school.”

- “Break” – it works and sounds better.

“My graduation was a couple of months ago. I admit, I miss high school a bit.”

- I’d take out the full stop and have “and” then take out the comma after “admit”. It looks better, I feel, and flows better as a full sentence.

“I finally am not under the rule of my parents,”

- I think you’d do a lot better to have: “Finally, I am not…”

“Of course, I had to convince them for hours to let me take a couple years off before college.”

- This is more of a personal thing – as much of what I point out is – but I feel as though “I had to convince them for hours” means that you kept them convinced for hours. Think a lot about this line before attempting a change/not change. I think that when people speak normally – everyday speech – they have different syntax as to when it’s being written. So this could work either way.

“the main idea being us accepting calls from various people who are in need of help with their relationships.”

- I think what you want here is “The main idea being that we would be accepting…” This is a little wordier, but is somewhat clearer. I disliked your use of “us” here.

“Like I had the capability to be late.”

- I think everyone is capable of being late. Perhaps you want a word like
“reputation”?

“who seized my hand and led me down the hall.”

- I thought her hands were occupied with the coffees? Perhaps just a little mention of his grabbing one as it almost falls, or something similar?

Well, I like this, Socks. ^^

You switch tenses on me quite a bit. I’m not sure if you mean to keep this in present or past tense, which makes the entire read a bit confused. There are also some parts - I've pointed them out - where I'm not sure about your wording, but not many, so that's great.

Now, I don't really find much issue with there being nothing happening when a novel or story starts. The problem with this, however, is that it's too short and too simple for nothing to happen. In serious texts, when they start with "nothing" happening, they have some strong dialogue and situations that set the narrative off to a great start. You don;t have this here. I think you need to make your character a little stronger, have her actions more aggressive then passive and maybe have the wording a little more charged. You don't give us much of a reason to keep reading.

But, I do like this, I think it needs a large re-write but I also like where this could go. Keep working on it. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.