Young Writers Society

The wealthiest party in the poorest part of town,
where old men masturbate to thoughts of
wealthy suits and hybrid cars.
And somewhere a woman's fallen down,
she’s given up, she is beat,
her eighteenth son died today,
it was the heat.

There’s laws passed for the rich,
there’s a concert for the poor,
there’s a riot going on,
they say that this will last too.

The carpets are carpeted, the sky is blue and clean,
tell your mother that the problem is it just can’t be seen.
There’s lights in the alley, screams in the dark,
I got my iPod™ headphones on, though, so I just can’t hear them cry.

People want equality! Peace and love,
so they lynch a white man and they worship a white dove.
The cops run wild, beat up a young man
but he raped a little girl, so it’s alright.

The imagery, it is broken.
The songs are doom and gloom.
Dylan’s voice is all rusty.
The Pope™ is a raccoon.

Priests teach the children to bend over and receive,
while parents teach their kids to dance around and sing,
for these people, these people,
these people that I hate,
they tell me please do this so I do that instead.

We abuse African countries,
but give them some food too
and there's a man in the TV,
he’s been shot, stabbed, raped three times
but it’s just for laughs so I don’t mind.

And yes, you're right,
I’ve lost all touch with reality.
Hey, I don’t mind much.
I washed my hands once already,
I don't want them to get dirty yet again.

Whoa Icaruss - this is really very raw and graphic. You've won a gold star already by sheer nerve, I've never read a piece like this.

Am I right in thinking this is in a poor country? What am I saying, of course it is. I was just checking though, you can never be sure. S1 is quite shocking:

The wealthiest party in the poorest part of town,
where old men masturbate to thoughts of
wealthy suits and hybrid cars.
And somewhere a woman's fallen down,
she’s given up, she is beat,
her eighteenth son died today,
it was the heat.

There's definately enough showing. I liked the way the last line was rhyming and sarcastic. The scene is garish and vivid.

S4 is powerful and though-provoking:

People want equality! Peace and love,
so they lynch a white man and they worship a white dove.
The cops run wild, beat up a young man
but he raped a little girl, so it’s alright.

Brillant irony.

And yes, you're right,
I’ve lost all touch with reality.
Hey, I don’t mind much.
I washed my hands once already,
I don't want them to get dirty yet again

That was my favourite stansa. There's a few issues with grammer, but they can be amended easily. Well done, my friend. It needed to be told, and you did it with integrety. Bravo.

Hope and Best Wishes,

Eimear xx

That was an intense poem! It was so straight to the point I was a little appalled... I like the talk about the African countries... It seems like it's a little too true in society today... You have such an almost anarchist voice in the poem... Sadly... the turmoil is all too realistic to avoid...

Anyways! It was a great poem... I def. gave you a gold star for that one!

~Panic At The Rodeo

This work is sad but true. This is an example of what the world has become and is becoming. Nice work. It got to me and not much does. You have nice works here. But you may want to take off some symbols or things like next to the pope. It is good. Keep writing and you could be another Robert Frost.

Changed the symbol next to the Pope and the iPod to the ™ symbol, which makes more sense and hopefully you guys can see now.

Viva La Revolucion! this is a very angry poem, or at lest, its passionate. and i have to agree, the last stanza is probably the best, youre saying, "If this is real-life, real life can go to hell" , right?

this poem seems angled to make people open their eyes and look at the world, to look at the horrible stuff that goes on daily, the kind of stuff that we just brush off and ignore. great job.

Jus so you know, I'm going to crit this poem as lyrics, since you replied to my lyrics critique request thread. Now... onto my critique!

Overall, I liked it. I got a tune in some places, but there were parts when it wouldn't work. I didn't like this line:

The Pope™ is a raccoon.

I liked what you were saying in it, and I thought you pulled a lot of it off really well. For instance, this bit:

so they lynch a white man and they worship a white dove.

I thought was really sweet, but it makes me think a lot.

but it’s just for laughs so I don’t mind.

Am I right in assuming this is supposed to make us think about how we watch things like killings? Because that's how I interpretted it.

I washed my hands once already,
I don't want them to get dirty yet again.

Great ending. It reminded me a lot of something I've listened to. Did you get the inspiration from somewhere?


Overall, really good poem/song. Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but it really is very good.

Thanks for the reviews!

(bump)

As requested!

You really broke ground in this poem: I must praise you for being so challenging.

You used poetic devices to extremely good effect, such as the anaphora in stanza 2 and the tricolon in stanza 7 rammed the point home: "shot, stabbed, raped." Those hard-sounding consonants made the words rattle in my head, like machine guns. As Eimear points out, your use of irony is purposeful, controlled and therefore highly effective: the spare, noncommittal style worked very well. The last stanza was particularly powerful.

Your punctuation could do with revision and you used some passive constructions which you could turn around. But these are minor points: sorting them out would polish up an almost immaculate work.

Excellent!

9.5/10

Hey Icaruss! Nice poem you have. I always like it how you can read it and see the latin influences, so it's awesome. The beginning is catchy, though I will say that there were times that the rhythm felt a little jilted. But by the end, it seemed like it was written that way, just to shake up our reality by being a little more edgy, so it's all good.

There was only two stanzas that I think you can throw out. The reason I don't like them? They seem way too preachy and tell-y. If you threw them out, I am sure the poem would become stronger. The stanzas?

Priests teach the children to bend over and receive,

while parents teach their kids to dance around and sing,

for these people, these people,

these people that I hate,

they tell me please do this so I do that instead.



We abuse African countries,

but give them some food too

and there's a man in the TV,

he’s been shot, stabbed, raped three times

but it’s just for laughs so I don’t mind.

The first one I would get rid of is because the imagery really doesn't seem to support the last line and, moreover, the last line is really cliched and whiny. The whiny part gets to me. It discredits the narrator by making him whine about the people he hates, instead of hinting at any action on his part to make things better. However, in the beginning of the poem, he seems to take action, if only by observing and putting forth these realities bluntly. So yeah. Cut it.

The second stanza that I quoted, I don't like because it seems like it's more of the same, and by the point it comes, I understand what you're trying to say and I want to get to the meat of the piece, which is the ending stanza.

So yeah. Those were my thoughts. You're a good writer... take those thoughts in and figure out what you want to do with this piece. Good luck!

This poem does not make people look at the truth.
This poem is not straight to the point.
This poem is not sad.
This poem is not true.

This is not a poem.
This work accomplishes nothing.

To write about the truth falsely is worse than to write what is not true.

But it sounds good!

This was a very powerful poem. Wow , Iccarus. This shows a ton of depth in thought and awareness to the issues of the world with good use of irony. Some Highlights:

People want equality! Peace and love,
so they lynch a white man and they worship a white dove.
The cops run wild, beat up a young man
but he raped a little girl, so it’s alright.

This line caught my attention.

The imagery, it is broken.
The songs are doom and gloom.
Dylan’s voice is all rusty.
The Pope™ is a raccoon.

Ooooo...touchy, touchy. This will get some people angry(Catholics), but I feel its needed.

We abuse African countries,
but give them some food too
and there's a man in the TV,
he’s been shot, stabbed, raped three times
but it’s just for laughs so I don’t mind.

This is what I was saying when I meant irony. It was great and it gets the message across. Amen, brother.

And yes, you're right,
I’ve lost all touch with reality.
Hey, I don’t mind much.
I washed my hands once already,
I don't want them to get dirty yet again.

This was the icing on the cake. It ended this poem with a bang. You should be proud of yourself.

Viva La Revolucion! this is a very angry poem, or at lest, its passionate. and i have to agree, the last stanza is probably the best, youre saying, "If this is real-life, real life can go to hell" , right?

I totally agree with you God.

This poem does not make people look at the truth.
This poem is not straight to the point.
This poem is not sad.
This poem is not true.

This is not a poem.
This work accomplishes nothing.

To write about the truth falsely is worse than to write what is not true

I think this is wrong and whoever wrote it needs to open their eyes and stop viewing the world as just the back and front of their house.

Anyway this is a great poem. Get it published.