Young Writers Society

Chapter One

Indonea rode long into the night, driven by her quest to find this stranger. His face filled her vision as she rode on, huddled in her cloak to keep warm from the harsh autumn winds. His strong pronounced cheek bones and deep brown eyes keeping her spell bound.

She was entranced by the massive power of the horse beneath her, the sleek strength only a beast such as this could possess. The wind sang sweet tunes as it whistled through her hair. The night grew brisk and dark soon enough, any light from the moon covered by the clouds. Finally she decided to bed down for the evening, and she slowed the horse to a stop. Stroking its soft muzzle she gave the horse a quick kiss before setting up her camp and starting a fire.

There was no need to tether her to a tree; Indonea knew that the animal would not run off. It wasn’t any specific action the horse had made that gave her that knowledge, the knowledge was just there. Just as she knew that somehow her ability to connect with nature had something to do with the stranger. Questions rang out in her head, and she shut herself off from her own curiosity.

Keeping warm from the fire and the heavy woolen cloak her Gran had made her, Indonea slept well. The awareness that she would soon be meeting the stranger from her dreams giving her some comfort in the cold of night.

******

The morning light came much too soon, and Indonea’s tired body protested to no end when she rose from her slumber. She stretched her worn muscles before stirring to see if it was still lit. A few glowing embers stared back at her; quickly she smothered them with her boot.

She clicked her tongue loudly and waited a moment. The horse appeared from behind some of the shrubbery and she smiled warmly. “We still need to name you, dear.” She clucked.

The horse crooned at her, nuzzling her with its nose. Indonea thought for a moment while stroking the muzzle of her friend. “What about Sabina?”

The horse snorted. “So, not Sabina. What do you think of Senona?” The horse snorted again and nudged her roughly. Indonea paused in thought, something blooming in her mind. “I know your name, you were called Shasta.” She said proudly.

Shasta nickered quietly. “We must be off, I haven’t much time left.” She said apologetically before gathering her pack. The dew hadn’t yet risen from the ground and the two companions had started off on their journey again.

Hours of riding made the bodice of her dress feel tight and constricting, her full skirt getting in her way more than aiding her. She was raised a proper lady by her Gran, though she had never fit as she should have. As a child she was chopping wood faster than the farm boys could dream. By her twelfth summer she had broken her first mare, though that was not difficult with her special talents.

Her memories of childhood were fond; the grandeur of her Gran’s estate was ideal for an adventurous youth. That was not her place in life though; her curiosity drove her to experience more in life than a simple farm girl ever could. Even as a child she dreamed of striking out on her own, and living a life of adventure and exhilaration. Merely a life of sewing and patchwork was not going to suffice.

With that in mind she rode on, harder and faster into the night. Only stopping to eat and water Shasta. Dreaming each moment of something more, always searching for something more.

His strong pronounced cheek bones and deep brown eyes keeping her spell bound.

Fragment: Either make this a part of the previous sentence or make it a complete thought. "His strong pronounced cheek bones and deep brown eyes kept her spell bound."

A note on splitting your work in order to pass time: Rather than saying that ******** represents the passage of time, I suggest that you describe the night somehow, and make us feel like she has slept. What you have done here is the same as telling, rather than showing.

My overall impression of this piece is that it needs a point. A purpose. The character does, but we don't really know what it is. She's going to see someone she dreamed about. Awesome. Now show us that. You could even use the space between night and morning to make her dream of him. Right now, though, she's just riding. And stopping. And riding again. Give her a reason. Make the ride itself have a purpose. Where did she come from? Where is she going?

--King

It does need a point and perhaps some more action. It many just talks about the horse. You should try to make something exciting happen.

This was good. You need to work on your transistions. It's a bit choppy, but I think it's good. More description, don't repeat words or ideas. Since this is just the first chapter, I won't make any major judgements. I really liked the idea, it just needs work. you have five senses, make sure you use them all when your describing a scene. I want to be there with you. I want to feel the horse and the wind, I want to smell the deep grass. Etc. XD Hope this help.

Jamie

abit confusing really. seems like she came with a runaway horse because she doesn't even know the name and suddenly she knows or remembers. anyway pretty good. in the later chapters it would be good if you could describe what she is wanting to do, a descriptions of the background and ofcourse a little past history.

btw i loved the names you gave to your characters. hope to see more of this.


feel free to pm me.

The promised critique!

Nit-Picks

His strong pronounced [s]cheek bones[/s]cheekbones and deep brown eyes kept[s]eping[/s] her spell bound.

She was entranced by the massive power of the horse beneath her, the sleek strength only a beast such as this could possess. The wind sang sweet tunes as it whistled through her hair. The night grew brisk and dark soon enough, any light from the moon covered by the clouds. Finally she decided to bed down for the evening, and she slowed the horse to a stop. Stroking its soft muzzle she gave the horse a quick kiss before setting up her camp and starting a fire.

Everything seemed to happen all at once here…

She clicked her tongue loudly and waited a moment. The horse appeared from behind some of the shrubbery and she smiled warmly. “We still need to name you, dear.” She clucked.

The last line seems random, and like she clucked the words.

Hours of riding made the bodice of her dress feel tight and constricting, her full skirt getting in her way more than aiding her. She was raised a proper lady by her Gran, though she had never fit as she should have. As a child she was chopping wood faster than the farm boys could dream. By her twelfth summer she had broken her first mare, though that was not difficult with her special talents.

Her memories of childhood were fond; the grandeur of her Gran’s estate was ideal for an adventurous youth. That was not her place in life though; her curiosity drove her to experience more in life than a simple farm girl ever could. Even as a child she dreamed of striking out on her own, and living a life of adventure and exhilaration. Merely a life of sewing and patchwork was not going to suffice.

Way too much telling! Slip this in later on.

Overall Comments

You have good details here – I can definitely see where she is, and I was chatting in the chat while I read this, making it even harder!

Watch your sentence fragments, though. You use them randomly, and the way you are using them is very annoying. I didn't mark them - let me know if you need me to.

Also, try to bring the reader closer. While the writing is good, I’m not connected to the character very much.

Finally, this is a special horse, right? If not, I shall begin lecturing you about a real horses behavior.

Wow, that was a short critique, but there’s not much to comment on. It’s pretty good. (But I hate fantasy.)

PM me with questions, boredom, or the next chapter.

Good luck, and happy editing!

~JFW1415

This piece is interesting but it didn't keep me glued all the way. It needs more drive - or point, as the previous posters have said.

The flow of it all seems a bit... well, choppy. I was confused for a moment or two. But the details of the setting are sound and good.

Hello! Sorry this took so long to post! I had a couple busy nights and couldn't get everything done at once unfortunately.

Grammar and First Impressions

His strong pronounced [s]cheek bones[/s] cheekbones and deep brown eyes [s]keeping[/s] kept her [s]spell bound[/s] spellbound.

Stroking its soft muzzle, she gave the horse a quick kiss before setting up her camp and starting a fire.

There was no need to tether her to a tree; Indonea knew that the animal would not run off.

Underlined: I assume you mean the horse, but at first I thought you meant Indonea. Unless it's obvious, don't start paragraphs with pronouns like this. ^_^

It wasn’t any specific action the horse had made that gave her that knowledge, [period or dash instead] the knowledge was just there.

Keeping warm from the fire and the heavy woolen cloak her Gran had made her, Indonea slept well. [comma instead] The awareness that she would soon be meeting the stranger from her dreams giving her some comfort in the cold of night.

Grammatically, there should be a comma there, but then this turns into one huge run-on sentence and must be rewritten.

She stretched her worn muscles before stirring to see if it was still lit.

Underlined: I assume you mean the fire, but that's after reading later on and piecing the pieces together. Just put the fire. And if it's a fire, then I don't think lit is appropriate, but maybe to see if it was still going or blazing.

A few glowing embers stared back at her; [s]quickly[/s] she quickly smothered them with her boot.

The horse appeared from behind some of the shrubbery, and she smiled warmly. “We still need to name you, dear.” She clucked.

Still name her? In the prologue, though, it was her horse. It already belonged to her so it's assumed that the horse is named. Proof:

In a moment she mounted her horse and took off after the man she had dreamed about so often.

That's the last paragraph of the prologue, and you say her horse. Plus, if this part is right after the prologue, the prologue isn't needed. Maybe call it the first part of the first chapter kind of deal, but not a prologue.

The horse snorted.

[New "speaker," new paragraph]

“So, not Sabina. What do you think of Senona?”

[New "speaker," new paragraph]

The horse snorted again and nudged her roughly. Indonea paused in thought, and something [s]blooming[/s] bloomed in her mind.

[New "speaker," new paragraph]

“I know your name, [exclamation point, period, or dash instead] you were called Shasta. [comma instead]” [s]She[/s] she said proudly.

Shasta nickered quietly.

[New "speaker," new paragraph]

“We must be off, [semi instead] I haven’t much time left. [comma instead]” [s]She[/s] [she said apologetically before gathering her pack. The dew hadn’t yet risen from the ground, and the two companions had started off on their journey again.

Even if the horse doesn't actually talk, she's communicating in her own ways and gets her own paragraphs when switching "speakers."

Underlined: How do those two clauses have anything in common? Does The dew hadn't yet risen from the ground and the two companions had started off on their journey again have anything in common, any relationship, that I'm missing?

Hours of riding made the bodice of her dress feel tight and constricting, her full skirt getting in her way more than aiding her. She was raised a proper lady by her Gran, though she had never fit in with other kids as she should have. As a child, she was chopping wood faster than the farm boys could dream. By her twelfth summer, she had broken her first mare, though that was not difficult with her special talents.

Underlined: I know skirts can't be helpful when riding a horse...but how can they aid her?

Italicized: Oh, do elaborate whether it be now or later! ^^

Her memories of childhood were fond; the grandeur of her Gran’s estate was ideal for an adventurous youth. That was not her place in life, though; [period instead] her curiosity drove her to experience more in life than a simple farm girl ever could. Even as a child, she dreamed of striking out on her own, [no comma] and living a life of adventure and exhilaration. Merely a life of sewing and patchwork was not going to suffice.

You had two semis back-to-back here. That's a no-no. ^_^ They're special, but not that special. They should be rare findings, in a way.

With that in mind, she rode on, [no comma] harder and faster into the night. [comma instead] Only stopping to eat and water Shasta. [comma instead] Dreaming each moment of something more, always searching for something more.

Grammatically, all those commas are needed, but again, that makes this a huge run-on. Reword so it runs more smoothly.

Pace

You seem to be moving too fast when you're really not. It just doesn't tie together well, or maybe I'm still not understanding the plot. I don't know what it really is, but it doesn't seem to all connect and flow very well together.

Overall

That's all I really found. All I've noticed was said above. Good job. ^^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

A really intriguing beginning It makes me want to read more, just one thing. You should focus a bit more on the main character. You don't really connect with her in this, I get the feeling she's been searching for this something for a long time, so why is time "running out" only now?

I'd like to keep reading this though all in all it seems like the start of something very interesting.